The Vampire Handbook

by P.J. Jones

Warning: Adult humor

So, after a painstakingly long soul-searching (at least five minutes) and after grappling with the possible fate of your immortal soul (who cares if you’re not going to die, anyway), you’ve decided to become a vampire.

Congratulations!

But before beginning that dark and shadowed journey into a life of eternal damnation, every vampire is required to read THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK, a short step-by-step guide to becoming a vampire and then adjusting to the bloodsucking lifestyle.

Some of the helpful tips in this handbook include: Rules for Living an Environmentally Friendly and Urbane, Undead Lifestyle, Dietary Restrictions for Vampires, Engaging in Battles with Other Immortals, Rules for Fitting into Society and not Scaring off Potential Meals and much more...

In addition to THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK, you will also get THE WERE/SHAPE-SHIFTER HANDBOOK and THE ZOMBIE HANDBOOK as well as a few sample chapters from PJ Jones's sparkly vampire parody, ROMANCE NOVEL.

Genres: Vampires, Fantasy, Humor, Fiction, Zombies, Werewolves, Paranormal

47 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 15, 2011

Reviews

[Ellie]

I laughed, I cried, I nearly wet my pants in a few spots. P.J. Jones has a gift for humor, a rare talent! I read bits out loud to my teen daughters and they laughed along with me.

[Matt]

What to say about this book? Well it started out a little interesting. Sort of unique and funny. And then it all went to Hell. All this book was, was a rambling piece of shit. The author can not write. The book is a way for the author to push opinions on you. Whether it be saving the environment, making fun of Twilight, boosting a love for Harry Potter, or letting you know which celebrity figures were not liked and felt needed to die. Not only was it an idiotic book, I found it racist and offensive. Which is saying something, because I am not easily offended. I would like to inform everyone to stay away from this book. It is an hour of my life that I wish I could get back. It was an utter piece of shit and a serious waste of time. Just skip this one and read something with a little more substance and class.

[Eryn]

There were, admittedly, a few laughs hidden in this book, but most of it was just ridiculous. The Twilight references were hit and miss, and the rest of it was just filler. I was surprised yet relieved when I came to the end of the Vampire handbook....and then found the werewolf handbook as a 'bonus'. I wish I hadn't felt obligated to read it. And then the zombie handbook...sigh

[Holly]

the kindle edition i got also includes the Were/ ShapeShifter Handbook, and the Zombie Handbook. it is def a laugh out loud short story. pokes at the twilight series wonderfully! i only wish it was longer!

[Shéa MacLeod]

Hilarious (yet important) information for all those interested in pursuing a life of supernatural bliss.

[Melissa]

Parts were funny but I felt it started to just repeat itself. It makes fun of the Twilight series. It includes Vampire Handbook, Zombie Handbook, and Were/Shifter Thing Handbook.

[Charity Parkerson]

This was a very funny book. I found myself reading several parts aloud to my husband. I love the way it was always acceptable to do bad things to Carrot top.

[Angel Mae]

I am just glad it was a free kindle download...

[P.J. Jones]

Of course I'd give it five stars. I wrote it!

[Allison Simms]

This kind of Twilight bashing parody was extremely common when this came out in 2011 so maybe it is unfair to judge a product of its time in 2026, but I can't help myself. The jokes are very dated or just obvious. There's weight shaming, bashing Justin Bieber, and of course the whole 'vampires don't sparkle.' If you are going to make a parody, it needs to be funny and make meaningful insights on the original. Otherwise, I'd rather just read Twilight since it's unintentionally hilarious anyway.

[.]

THE VAPMIRE HANDBOOK (currently free for Kindle on amazon) was quite an entertaining read and well worth the short time investment. So in this cheeky little download you get the obvious “handbook” to becoming a vampire as well as, what to do once that goal is achieved; including the “rules” you must adhere to as an undead bloodsucker. P.J. Jones had me cracking up right out the gate with the Introduction and her pre-vamping plastic surgery advice and… yay, the laughs and giggles carried through to the end.

But that’s not all! Oh no, the fun doesn’t end with the vamps in this very wallet friendly investment, you also get The Pathetic Pussy...err …The Were-Thing or Shape-Shifter Guide, which is also very funny followed by the super quick read, The Zombie Handbook.

Although, I thoroughly enjoyed all of the clever handbook humor (be aware that a lot of it is PG-13); I can’t say I was a huge fan of the bonus, bonus Romance Novel excerpt add-on at the very end. Don’t get me wrong, by no means do I take issues with witty or silly parodies (or Twilight goofs), but this was kinda, been there done that for me…think “Vampires Suck” movie. But hey, it’s an extra so I’m not complaining. I’m confident that I got my full $0 investment with THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK and would still feel that way even if had had to pay the original cost of a whopping $.99. So be brave, be bold, go to amazon and click that insta kindle delivery button and get your free funny on… I honestly don’t think you’ll regret it.

[MoonGlitter]

This book was hilarious! P.J. Jones has packed a lot of crucial information into this handbook! It is in MY opinion that EVERY mortal should read The Vampire Handbook if they are going to seriously consider becoming a vampire, a were-changing thing or a zombie ;) There is vital information to be taken into account before taking that final leap into this lifestyle. Things that I am sure, we are ALL unaware of.

P.J. Jones's sharp and witty sense of humor had me laughing out loud several times. My husband *who usually doesn't even bother to ask what I'm reading* kept wanting to know what in the world I was laughing at ;) The Vampire Handbook is a quick but entertaining guide into the immortal life. A MUST read for those who just want to sit down and have a few good laughs. You're sure to put this book away with a smile on your face ;)

Reviewed for WearVampsRomance. http://werevampsromance.blogspot.com/

[Patricia Lynne]

I've had this book on my kindle for a few years and finally cracked it open. It was a lot shorter than I was expecting, with a good chunk bonus chapters from another of the author's books, BUT it was amusing and funny. I laughed out loud more than once. There was also a section for werewolves and a short one for zombies (since zombies apparently have a short attention span.) It makes the title a bit misleading because I was expecting only stuff about vampires. I didn't mind the werewolf and zombie parts, but a title that reflects multiple paranormal creatures would have been more appropriate.

If you like vampires and want a good laugh, I'd recommend picking this up. You can read it in an afternoon. But if you're a hardcore Twilight fan, you might not like some of the fun that is poked at the series.

[Cynthia]

The Vampire Handbook is a must read for lovers of the supernatural. The e-book edition that I read includes the were-thing/shifter handbook and the zombie handbook along with the vampire handbook. There is also a preview of a Twilight parody story at the end.

I have to admit, although I thought the vampire and zombie section was pretty darn funny--the were-thing/shape-shifter section was my favorite. It was just so hilarious!

[Michael]

What can I say about the Vampire Handbook that hasn't already been said? It's laugh out loud funny and will have you reading parts out loud to your family, friends, and even your co-workers. As a bonus you also get the The Were-thing Or Shapeshifter Guide For Not Behaving Like A Pathetic Pussy as well as The Zombie Handbook. Let's face it you never know what could happen when your walk out the front door and it's nice to have such an informative book at the ready just in case.

[Marva]

Clever little book, but it kind of wore on me halfway through. The humor is better in smaller doses. I'll review it now based on 50% and finish up when I have a short reading time to fill (like sitting in the doctor's waiting room).

[Bj Gaskill]

Too Funny!!!!

[Kindle Kandy]

Short, funny, campy look at the vampire craze from a how-to guide angle. Terribly clever, really great attitude comes across from the page.

[Lynne Bridges]

Very funny book. Its a good sized book on Kindle. It includes Vampire Handbook, Zombie Handbook, and Were/Shifter Thing Handbook.

It will literally make you LOL.

[Honeytiger3m]

Read this book before you read the rest of her paranormal parodies. Her rules of etiquette will make perfect sense when you actually apply them.

Oh, I hate disco so I could never be a vampire!

[Dana]

A funny, quick read.

[Wendy]

Not bad.

Very short with some humor I did appreciate, although it mostly poked fun at the Twilight Saga.

[Caffeinated Fae]

This book had some funny parts to it but it wasn't anything special. If you enjoy bashing "Twilight" then this book is for you.

[Laurie]

author is obviously not a Twilight fan lol

[ladymurmur]

Reading before bed, trying to drift off, and it made me laugh hard enough that I woke all the way up. Gave it an extra star for the unexpected chortling.

[Cynthia Mello]

Funny stuff.

Found this book too funny. Loved the references to the new age vampires. It's a nice change to read funny books.