Spouse: The Truth about Marriage

by Shobhaa Dé

How marriages work and why they fail ... Marriage is an adventure, says Shobhaa D, celebrity writer, devoted wife and mother of six. It's about trust, companionship, affection and sharing. It's also about learning to cope with your partner's moods and eccentricities. Not to mention the delicate balancing act between parents, children, friends and a career, and the sometimes overpowering need to get away from it all.In this delightful book on society's most debated institution, Shobhaa D writes about how and why marriages work-or don't. With her usual disregard for rules, she reinvents tradition and challenges old stereotypes, addressing all the issues that are central to most Indian the saas-bahu conundrum (how to escape the role-trap and enjoy each other), the need for honesty (aren't some secrets better left secret), the importance of romance (no, expressions of love are not unmanly!), and not any less important, how to recognize the warning signs in a hopeless relationship and run before it's too late.Fun, savvy and, above all, pragmatic, this is the ultimate relationship book for all those who want to make the adventure of marriage last a lifetime.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Marriage, Indian Literature, India, Self Help

288 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2005

About the author

Shobha Rajadhyaksha known as Shobhaa Dé is an Indian columnist and novelist. She graduated from St. Xavier's College, Mumbai with a degree in psychology. After making her name as a model, she began a career in journalism in 1970, during the course of which she founded and edited three magazines – Stardust, Society, and Celebrity.
In the 1980s, she contributed to the Sunday magazine section of the Times of India. In her columns, she used to explore the socialite life in Bombay lifestyles of the celebrities. At present, she is a freelance writer and columnist for several newspapers and magazines.
De is married to Dilip De, her second husband and they have six children from their first marriages. She lives in Cuffe Parade, Mumbai.

Reviews

[Ayushi · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have problems with Shobhaa De(not the book, that comes later) :

a. She thinks she is to India what Candace Bushnell ,(Hope I spelt i that right )the creator of Sex and The City is to America, she is obviously wrong.
b. I really enjoy a lot of modern Indian chick lit but all her fiction books are about small town girl coming to big bad town and having lots of sex or a rich girl falling down from grace and having lots of sex. Her books read like a bad (very bad ) Jackie Collins novel.
c. She - not being a splendid / spectacular writer herself criticizes other , better writers say Khushwant Singh. Yes, people might think he is a pervert and all but Train to Pakistan is a great novel (atleast according to me ) , his translations of Sikh scriptures is good and he is the man who bought Umrao jaan's translation into the realm of knowledge of Indian readers in English. Shobhaa (extra a courtesy numerology) De doesn't have anything to credit except corny novels with a skewed percetion of women. In one of her more well known books (Bollywood Nights) , her protagonist is an actress who spends no time acting, talking sense or showing character development BUT guess what, has intercourse throughout the book, all the time, with a myriad number of people .
d. She was Chetan Bhagat before Chetan Bhagat (sorry CB)i.e. capitalizing on people's love for voyeuristic unreal fast easy reads and benefiting from it commercially ! That's where the similarity ends . Chetan Bhagat again I stress is better and I am saying that even though I dislike all his books (really except for Five point someone).
e. She started the whole filmy spicy gossip thing with stardust and now that is all one sees on most news channels and magazines, half the time anyway .
f. She rarely has praise for anymore and has been known to call any bollywood actress/ model within range of garnering publicity ugly ! Talk about maturing with age ! And gushing about Rahul gandhi in every alternate news column doesn't help much either.
g. She reminds me of Meryl Streep in The Devil wears Prada , only Indian and worse.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Rant over :
NOW THE BOOK

The book is yes, about marriage, and non fiction , she's largely written about her own "perfect" marriage(which is not too exciting), society gossip about her friends and acquaintances (which was exciting until I felt guilty about the fact that how would any woman feel about her husband's obsession with PYTs and someone almost making fun of her). I didn't really care for the tone of the book which as I said, felt like sympathetic scornful mockery of women and men in bad realationships.

I liked the way she started chapters with a song , yes, even if it was corny (I am not that hard hearted ) and I really liked the fact that she touched upon ALL aspects of an urban Indian marriage.

THIS IS NOT A SELF HELP BOOK . IT"S NOT GOING TO TEACH YOU HOW TO HAVE A GOOD MARRIED LIFE . So don't pick up this for advice. also, there's no plot, no story as such.
It's just a long compilation of essays on various aspects of married life in India written in shobhaa's typical sarci saucy style.

It's not that bad also, just OK but I didn't see the point of reading it.


And I think I just ended up writing THE LONGEST REVIEW of any book I have read so far.

[Vaishali · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well, it's Shobhaa De... so no string theories attached:)

Still, I didn't expect a desi book to be this fluffy. There's also that annoying Mumbaikar habit of misquoting American slang. (Dear Shobhaa: "Girl scout points" don't exist. The term is "brownie points" because the Brownies are the entrant stage to the Girl Scouts, and you need -x- amount of "points" to get in. Sincerely, Me)

The bullets listed to recap each chapter's end are unneeded, and will make you giggle.

The real book we want from Stardust's former editor is that juicy Bollywood tell-all. Come on, Shobhaa... what DID happen with Amitabh and Rekha? You were there... you saw some stuff... and we know it ! I want some outrageous Feroz Khan tales, tidbits on Zeenat and Parveen's dating lives. It's 30 years after the fact, and you're on safer ground now. Spill those Bollywood beans, woman !

So no raw organic vegan salads in this book ... but no tasty gol gappas either. :(

[Siddhartha · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quite a serious and well written book. A little amazing when you consider the typical image of the author as a writer of smut. I think a must read for all those people who are stupid enuf to get hitched.

[Akansha Gupta · Rating 4 out of 5]

Shobhaa De has always been a part of controversies owing to her bold and outspoken nature and her provocative as well as sexually explicit works. Few of her popular writings include Sethji, Spouse, Socialite Evenings, Sisters and Sultry Days. @Shobhaa Dé

There is a little tribute on her birthday.. Happy birthday in advance @Shobhaa Dé

[Parsa · Rating 1 out of 5]

I started reading it because a friend recommended and lent it to me and I was curious. I hated it because there was no other thing to do with this book. This book is a joke about what is a relationship about. I might have a bit idealist view of relationships but this is utter mockery of a marriage and most of all her husband.

[Surya Pemasane · Rating 5 out of 5]

First of all, I want thank to Shobhana. She changed me lot and lot.

She is really very cute in briefing each moment. You know what If she is ready to adopt me, I am ready.

She knows what child want, She knows what husband want, she know what others want and the main thing she knows what she really wants - These are the big things I have noticed in this book.

I LOVE YOU SHOBHANA.

[Vinod Jayachandran · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is on same line with Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus but still far from close competition.

Lot of repetition and written with really very well do and rich family back ground in mind, many cases, its hard to co-relate with your current situation

[Bima Choudhury · Rating 2 out of 5]

True....I could personally relate to some of the situations which she explained but was equally disappointed by the remedies offered....those bullet points are an utter waste of space and could have been done away with. A lot of "Gyan" difficult to digest...!!!

[Priya Sambhar · Rating 3 out of 5]

Valuable pointers to married people....
Never thought I will ever read Shobha De ....
but this book changed my perspective about her , She's a true optimistic n positive person which showed strongly in her writing...
I certainly got few tips ....

[Sashikala Devalikar · Rating 2 out of 5]

didnt hold my attention beyond page 35..:)

[The book bee Urmi · Rating 4 out of 5]

🌹The read was so fluent and swift like I was in conversation with the author. I could make out that the topic is changed only because I had frequent breaks in between, else I would have not known when the book ended.

🌹'Spouse' is an insightful book about marriage and how it works or sadly why it doesn't for some. What it takes for everyone for a marriage to work. Shobha de has covered each and every aspect of a marriage in its depth.

🌹This book helped me answer and understand a few questions and queries I had.

🌹Some of the examples and real life experience made me gloomy and sorry for them initially.

🌹Though she says that it is not a manual or guide for marriage life but it really contains many useful guidance and really important aspect to be understood.

🌹The way of her writing is catchy and interesting like she gives a hindi tinge everywhere with uses of phrased and words.

🌹There were a few confusing points, when she contradicted her statements and views somewhere but in and all would definitely recommend to any reader regardless married, single or whatever.


🌹Something valuable :

Communication is your lifeline under any circumstances.

Partners are not mind readers, spell out your requirements.

[Girish Kamath · Rating 5 out of 5]

An insightful read. I read this book 13 years back, before I got my married, and it had influenced me a lot on how to approach the relationship. Out of impulse, I thought of re-reading this book now, and again, after 12 years of marriage, this book influenced me on how to approach the relationship. This book has touched upon many aspects of marriage, all relevant, and there are many insights on each aspect. After reading this book, I started thinking very differently about my relationship and plan to take few steps towards further improving my relationship. An excellent read, 5 stars.

[Karan Batra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading a Shobha De book for the first time after a friend’s recommendation. Not too bad actually.

Shobha De speaks freely about marriage and provides marital advice based on her learnings. Not preachy as most people would expect - a lot of examples which are spoken about in her references.

In all, a good read for those who want to look at their spouses in a more accepting manner and imbibe their nature as their nature without trying to change it.

[Ananya Thakur · Rating 4 out of 5]

What is the most unavoidable topic in the Indian Society, if not Marriage. How often it is that all our relatives and acquaintances starts enquiring about it after completion of our academic journey. And the proposals and talks increases if the child is a girl. Not only this, young people also start considering it after a while. Now the question here is how many of us actually knows the nitty-gritty of it. Do we get a chance to understand the true meaning of adding the Prefix ‘Married’ to our names. What changes comes with the new state proposed. What all steps need to be taken beforehand. What are the Dos and Don’ts of it. And lastly and most importantly- is it a compulsion, a non-avoidable task for all of us living out there. Or there’s something called ‘Our Say’ in it.
Well, there’s a good news coming your way. All the above mentioned questions and topics are largely and meticulously touched by one of the eminent author Shobha Dé.


Although i have had a chance to read two works of Shobha Dé before, but this one comes with a lot of engrossing topics to delve into. The title itself piqued my interest. I remember how i was walking through the book stores in the Delhi Book Fair, and my eyes stuck to a familiar name. I was not expecting it to a non-fiction. I thought it might be one of her idea to write a story with the said topic. While going through the chapters, i got to know some of the real-life incidents that Shobha Dé has gone through. The best part was her song choice, which she coordinated well with the chapter’s name. That added a bit of humour, which i commonly find in her work. Coming to the chapters, she covered almost every thing that could come to one’s mind while hearing the word Marriage.

From touching the less-talked about topics like sexual intercourse and babies to how the next generation used to picture it all, she unabashedly left nothing for later. The way she added her family and friends’ opinions in her book made it easy to connect. I also liked the thing that she touched both Men and Women’s role unbiasedly. Nonetheless, there were certain topics where i think she pressed too much, leaving no scope of further discussion. She talked about her marriage quite a number of times, and in doing so, she seemed to make it sound as an ideal one, which none could be. And that’s when i realise that this book ‘Spouse’ by Shobha Dé is basically an account of her personal experiences after being married for almost two decades, which was good to know about. There’s no denying in this. I would like to suggest it to someone who would like to hear the truths of Marriage by a woman being married for a considerably long time.

My Rating - 3.8/5

[Poornima · Rating 4 out of 5]

A practical, no-nonsense guide on how to handle a modern marriage. A bit dated now as was written nearly 14 years ago, but sensible in many ways.

[Linda]

i think the book is great

[All night bookworm · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book by Shobha De! Loved it absolutely!

[Lakshmi · Rating 4 out of 5]

The most realistic way of explaining relationship secrets without any kind pf bias.

[Kushal · Rating 3 out of 5]

Practical advice regarding Indian spouses and on marriage

[Anuradha Cherukuri · Rating 2 out of 5]

A good manual on how married couples should follow some rules and adjust in marriage. A nice read for young couples.

[Shebin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some tips for some areas of marriage life.

[Anushka · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book, an eye-opener about marriage, love, what it takes to make it work. obviously from the p.o.v of a rich socialite Indian in Bombay. Interesting to gain personal insight into the private life of Shobha De, Stardust journalist :P and see that our problems are in fact universal. would to be interesting to see how much more I gain from this book 8 years from now and what age brings to it.

[Manpreet · Rating 4 out of 5]

A decent read. Not all books of Shobhaa De are intelligent and insightful but this one is different and catches your attention. The title suggests it's a self-help book but it appeals like a biography with situations pouring out wisdom for the reader. Narrating your own life candidly requires a lot of courage. Shobhaa De has done it well. Would like to read it over again after every 4- 5 years. The gyaan in the book has no shelf life. :)

[Noor Anand · Rating 3 out of 5]

Shobhaa De's advice on marriage is insightful and intelligent. Even though the book was published 10 years ago, it's relevant today and will be for ages to come. The format and style of writing was easy, keeping the reader engaged.
What honestly surprised me though was how traditional her outlook is! Her projected personality is so different from the one that comes out in this book!
Definitely worth reading for married couples of any vintage.

[Nisha · Rating 1 out of 5]

Well, addressing all the issues central to an Indian marriage! A pinch of drama, a scoop of facts, a sprinkle of exaggeration and lots of De masala....she's done it again! You read her or discard her but you simply can't ignore her!... way to go!!!!!

[Banu Prakash Raje Urs M S · Rating 2 out of 5]

Better than what I expected from Shobha De, lots of sense and some absolute non-sense (especially about stuffs not to share and being on your own most of times and having an agreement paper on it! well I say in that case have a divorce paper ready at the start itself!) Overall a decent book.

[Kavitha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Normally not a huge fan of Shobhaa De, but this is one different book. Not much of a self-help book, but this provides insight into Indian marriage. Can be a bit of a drag but worthy of a read. I like her examples and how she has covered almost every aspect of Indian marriages.

[Sheokhanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book by accident but I must say that she talks wisely about marriage. She narrates her incident and those she knew in order to tell how not have a married life. She also gives an insight into how marriage should led. Interesting and wise words, one time read.

[Namrata Rao · Rating 2 out of 5]

It is a good read. There are a lot of things that makes sense but there are at the same time, lot of things that you wouldn't readily agree with. It is not for serious reading but it is one of those books that you will just pick up to amuse yourself and have a smile throughout while reading!

[Mihir · Rating 3 out of 5]

Filled with many real life experiences. Sometimes borders a gossip novel. However, in typical Shobhaa style, it has the charm of a great life-changing book.

I loved the little-heart-bulleted summary notes at the end of each chapter.

Good, quick read.