The No Hellos Diet

by Sam Pink

"The thought of calling off work is like the thought of suicide, just nice to think about."

In The No Hellos Diet, Sam Pink brings you straight into a world you've never been to before -- your own life. Find yourself working at a department store where everyone must wear red and khaki clothing. Find yourself throwing out garbage for fifty cents more than minimum wage. Find yourself worried about getting your arm ripped off by the box compactor. Find yourself talking about licking assholes with your co-worker. Find yourself driving away into a video game sunset with an Amish man.

The No Hellos Diet reminds you of the time you burnt down your future ex-girlfriend's trampoline. It reminds you of the couple of times you smoked crack. And the time you meditated on the most important question of all: Can a cat be killed with a single punch?

Find yourself stunned by the prose of a modern novel-master as he follows the course of your life for an entire year.

Genres: Fiction, Bizarro Fiction, The United States Of America, Novels

86 pages, Paperback

First published August 16, 2011

About the author

Sam Pink is the author of The No Hellos Diet, Hurt Others, I Am Going to Clone Myself Then Kill the Clone and Eat It, Frowns Need Friends Too, and the cult hit Person. His writing has been published widely in print and on the internet, and also in other languages. He lives in Chicago, where he plays in the band Depressed Woman.

Reviews

[Danger · Rating 5 out of 5]

So like, nothing happens and everything happens. It's weird like that. Funny, depressing, and insightful. A gem.

[Zadignose]

This is another great offering from Sam Pink. It is similar to his other work, yet it also has enough that is unique about it. This time around, the author gives us a window into working life, particularly low-skilled low-paid work, and it approaches a culture which is ever-present in our world, yet rarely revealed in our arts and literature. What can I say?:

"I'on't know what it is, but I'on't like no cheese. It be fucking irritating me."

If you haven't heard someone speak this way, then you haven't lived, but you don't see it much in writing, do you?

This book was again painfully familiar in reminding me of various people I've met, known, encountered, various situations experienced, various thoughts thought. But the author's own voice and personality come through, so the book is also full of surprises. Not in plot, but in revelation. The dangers of telepathy: do you really want to see what goes on in the mind? (By the way, there's no telepathy in this book).

The novel is written in second person, which is unusual and doesn't often work out well. But here I got into it pretty quickly, so the narrative style was no problem. It could have been he, you, or I, and worked. But I did identify.

All right. Other things I liked:

-Our hero's tendency to get analytical, literal minded, stubborn in a way, and out of sync with those he interacts with, sort of like a David Byrne in a Very Vulgar World:

"Now as I heard it, you said they've rotted so bad they've become bits, or something of that sort."
"Rah-in and falling out, 'zactly, heh heh. Wah."

-His tendency to fixate on little things and get completely carried away:

(Re: seeing a guy wearing a shirt with a shark and the message "rip it")
"You wanted to walk up to him, and nod once upward with no emotion on your face, saying, 'Rip it' in a quiet but assertive tone, subtly shaking your fist a few inches from your body. 'Rip it, man.'
"Because he's a person who usually rips it, but sometimes forgets, like anyone else.
"And like anyone else, you want the world to know you're a person without any intentions of ever doing anything other than just ripping it.
"Just fucking rip it nonstop."

-His occasional absurd outbursts:

"Fuck you, wind."

-And the fact that when you think he's a bastard, you feel sorry for him and realize he's sensitive, and when he seems always ironic, you discover sincerity... or not. And his projected hatred of the world usually rebounds on himself:

"Maybe you're just dramatizing it... You're the worst."

[M.F. Soriano · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book today at work. It took me about three hours, and would have taken less time but I kept making myself put the book down for a minute, to slow down, so as not to miss things. Part of the quickness of the read is because the book keeps you turning pages. Part of it is because the book is very short--81 pages of text, probably like 30K words--too short in my mind to be considered a true novel. And part of it is because the level of language is pretty basic--short sentences, minimal description, limited vocabulary--you never really have to work hard to understand anything.

That said, I think it's a great book, with occasional moments of brilliance, and just a few fumbles. I've read three books and one chapbook by Sam Pink, and I think this is the best of them all.

Basically, it strikes me as a well-crafted existential novel, reminiscent in places of The Stranger by Albert Camus, but effectively capturing the typical existence of today. The protagonist--a vaguely sketched "you"--goes through month after month of meaninglessness, often wondering whether being alive is appreciably better than being dead. He gets no particular joy from anything, and feels no sense of connection with anyone, but isn't particularly lonely or sad, either. He works a low-pay, un-fulfilling job, but he doesn't suffer from it because there's nothing he'd rather do with his time, anyway. He's too apathetic to feel oppressed, and therefore there is no meaning in his oppression. He's just there, passing time.

While that might sound like a boring premise, the book is actually pretty amusing. Sam Pink has an excellent eye for the absurdities of our daily lives--somehow he clearly sees the relentless, glaring stupidity that we take for granted--example: a candy wrapped in a "neon-colored package with a small monster--eyes coming out of its skull--looking at the words 'MEGA STICK'". He's also got a bizarre/perverse imagination that leads to some stunningly original thoughts--like what would happen if the taffy candy in that MEGA STICK package was so sticky it pulled all the teeth out of your head, and then you'd "just stand there holding a drooping piece of taffy studded with teeth". And his ear for dialogue is wonderful, capturing a variety of dialects and accents, revealing conversations that are completely ridiculous and utterly believable. You might even LOL once or twice while you read this book; at the very least, Pink is way funnier, and funner, than Albert Camus.

The main downside is that, for the most part, the novel never goes anywhere. There is a hint of development in the protagonist's physical condition--his ear infection that get's worse, his developing dizziness and discomfort with bright lights and blaring sound--but it isn't pursued to any significant extent. Then again, in a book that focuses on the meaninglessness of life, having a plot that never really goes anywhere might just be the whole point.

[Seb · Rating 5 out of 5]

You go to work today.
You pick up your book at lunch.
It's about you. Only you didn't know it.
You read while you chew.
You dig deeper.
Somehow you are touched and connected to what it says.
It's time to get back to work.
You put the book down.
For now.
But you can't get it out of your mind.

[Aline · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great, depressing, fascinating. Like a film you wonder why you're watching, but can't look away from.
Nothing happens and everything happens at the same time.
This is the first book I've read entirely in English, so it took me a while to make sure I understood it properly, and...I loved it!

[Igrowastreesgrow · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book reveals the inner thoughts and possible conversations between a person living a life barely surviving and the rest of the surrounding world. This is a powerful story where a person could feel true connection based on the fact that their is truth. There is not a filler of any sort to make this story beautiful or purposeful. This is a story of a mundane life with all the thoughts, feelings, and experiences. The only part that makes this story work is the writing. The writing provides the connection, humor, any feelings at all.

[Always Becominging · Rating 5 out of 5]

I made a video of me reading the first half of this book out loud: http://vimeo.com/29996731

Then I read the second half to myself. Mostly while walking around town.

It is similar to Person but also different in many ways.

May fav part was when when the main person was hanging out with Sour Cream

[Emmie Rae · Rating 4 out of 5]

sam pink you are really funny and sad

i want to hug you

but i would be too scared

so i would probably just buy you an apple

and all of your books.

[DeWitt Brinson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a sequel to Person written like a sperm. Cause it's heavy in the front but it wiggle tails real light toward the end. If you read Person and wanted more then open your mouth and swallow this.

Likes:
1) When he says uh-oh. I kinda fast-read to get to the parts where he says uh-oh, so I could just giggle manically for awhile.

2) When the girl says "red light". [spoiler alert, a girl says "red light" in No Hellos Diet] that was sweet and made me feel like less of a monster even though it didn't actually change my personality or the fact that I've hurt people.

Dislikes:

1) the blurry images of self on the whites of peoples eyes.

2) I can't think of a number 2, but I didn't want to pussy out since I had 2 likes. But, I remember disliking something else. It's there.

[Marcus · Rating 5 out of 5]

one my favourite writer's from the bizarro/alt lit world. Honest, direct, sensitive without the boring pathos etc. Gritty without trying to be hipster gritty. Moving. Like the best of Miranda July flicks. Attempting to connect with others but honest with alienation as well. Love the writing of this Sam Pink fella!!

[Mainard Larkin · Rating 5 out of 5]

made me feel better about being alive

[Angie Dutton · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ordered this a while back after reading Person... I ended up paying quite a bit as couldn't find a Kindle copy. Didn't expect it to have such a low page count. Highly enjoyable though, very similar to Person but that's no bad thing. If I were to buy any more Sam Pink in book form then I'd rather wait until all these novellas get crammed into a huge 1000 page collection.

[Jessica T. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Catcher in the Rye + Bukowski + American Psycho = Sam Pink.

[Jiv Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

a good book about Working In Chicago

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

from publisher

Read 3/29/12 - 4/3/12
4 Stars - Strongly Recommended to readers who enjoy the humdrum of the everyday
88 pages (eBook/PDF)
Publisher: Lazy Fascist Press

We've all been there, unless we were born with a silver spoon in our mouths. Whether it was your first job or an in-between pocket-filler as you attempted to sort your shitty life out... I'm talking about those grueling, humiliating, horrendously mind numbing minimum wage positions we suddenly found ourselves in.

Mine was a part time position in a Carvel ice cream shop while I was still in high school. It was shit pay, and I had a shitty ass boss who thought it would be funny to make me carry the freshly made ice cream cakes to the outdoor freezer in the pouring rain... cause, ya' know, it's wet out, and my feet might stick to the freezer floor. That, or he could get a laugh by shutting the door while I was in there and hold me hostage for awhile. He and the cake maker used to get their kicks by blowing up condoms like a balloon and bouncing them back and forth as they talked about sex behind my back while I was washing dishes. I lasted two days, and that took amazing effort, let me tell you!

Then, when I was in college, I needed a job that could flex to my crazy schedule, and thought I had found it at a local ski resort as a Time Share Telemarketer. Let's just forget the fact that I absolutely despise telemarketers for a second. Cause I was willing to wipe that clear from my mind for a little commission. But my first night there, the auto-dialer rang up three non-English speaking families in a row and to top it off, the office manager threw a birthday party for one of the supervisors... with a male STRIPPER! What the hell? Weren't there Sexual Harassment laws back in the 90's? I left that night, after finishing out my shift, and never went back.

So when I pick up a book that's primarily about a going-nowhere twenty-something year old dude who stocks shelves at a department store for a living, I knew we were going to become fast friends. Sam Pink, author of The No Hellos Diet, has been there, done that, and lived to tell a pretty fucking good tale about it!

I think Pink's got to have a bit of genius in him to take something as mind-numbing as a job stocking shelves and turn it into a side street billboard showcasing the internal struggle of the awkward and antisocial. Using the slightly uncomfortable second person perspective, "you" are sucked straight into the mind of, well, yourself. You work at an Ultra-High-Risk department store too close to Blood Alley for anyone's comfort. You're made to watch an orientation video of interviews of past employees who are missing body parts and have suffered brain damage due to workplace accidents. You chill with co-workers with names like Sour Cream and humor his fetishist questions. You get a quick thrill out of crushing boxes in the compactor. Your brain thinks up the weirdest shit while you're working. It just won't shut off. It never stops...

"You load broken-down boxes into a compactor then crush them by pressing a button. Crushing the boxes, you always say, “Die. Die. Die.” Sometimes audibly, sometimes not. It feels the same either way. The box compactor squeals, compacting. Die. Die. Die. “Die. Die. Die,” you say, and watch the crushing. Feels good to watch the boxes die. Die. Die. Die. Sometimes when the store closes you empty the box compactor and press the button when there’s nothing in it. And the crushing mechanism stops a little bit above the empty bottom then comes back up. Lately, it is enough to consider that maybe when the compactor crushes without anything there to crush, a new universe opens horizontally with the crushed air. And that maybe all the crushed atoms of air open horizontally into a new material plane of possibility. And that maybe you’ve been absorbed by one, the same look on your face as always. It is enough to consider that happening."

Sam sees beyond the surface of the typical every day things. He scratches through its skin, slipping an inquisitive finger around the muscles beneath, and tugs, gently, just to see what it does. His words, very much like those fingers, wrap around you as you read them, tugging at your brain, tickling around your ribs... testing out your softer spots. It's humorous and gross, it's honest and it's way out there, all at the same time. It's almost like it's so strange it could have actually happened. All of it. In a "dear diary, you're not going to fucking believe this" kind of way...

I bet there's more truth here than you first realize.

[Steve Bal4 · Rating 5 out of 5]

The No Hellos Diet, by Sam Pink, is easily one of the best books I've ever read. Definitely in my top 3 of this past year, and my top 10 of the past decade. And although I've only just been introduced to, and read, several of his books of prose and poetry this past year, this book, in particular, has cemented him in my upper echelon of favourite writers (seated comfortably between Charles Bukowski and Douglas Coupland, I imagine). Gilded crown and throne now on order from Ikea.

First off; The No Hellos Diet is GD hilarious. I laughed out loud and I laughed a lot, often at inappropriate parts of the story -- which I relished. Secondly, I love the way Pink thinks, and, how he lets those thoughts loose across the pages like so much jazz; the flow and beats and mad styling -- seemingly improvisational, yet deftly aware of every note. He's an odd duck, with strange thoughts, delicious observational skills, and a quirky but engaging delivery.

Also, whenever you read about someone telling you that you should never write in "second person", slap them across the face with this book, and tell them to shut-up. Then slap them across the ass with it as they try to get away. Because they didn't write this masterpiece and they haven't discovered the sublimely unique, and unknowingly necessary voice that is Sam Pink.

5 big-dick hustlin' ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐s!

*P.S. Quick word of warning: don't buy the Thumbs Down Press edition (cartoon guy with horns), it's been formatted like shit.

[Jarret Lovell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had been wanting to read Sam Pink for some time now, having seen his books recommended to me on a certain large, book-selling behemoth that - I think - is killing bookstores, record stores, etc. But in this case, I will give its algorithim credit, for when I found Sam Pink's work at a visit to Powell's Bookstore in Portland, I quickly gobbled this one up - and I'm glad I did.

Simply put: THE NO HELLOS DIET is hysterical. There were many moments when I laughed out loud. Literally. And when I write literally, I don't mean it in the misused sense. I actually laughed out loud.

The book itself does not have a story as much as a theme: it is existentialism for the modern era. Dead end jobs; failed relationships that somehow linger; urban blight that peppers our landscape. The "narrative" is told by a 27 year old male who works at a large box store (think Walmart, Target, Costco) and details the (lack of) events that make up his life.

Sound boring? Perhaps that's the irony, for Pink makes the most boring life imaginable entertaining, and the inner narrative of the protagonist-of-sorts speaks to the dread in all of us, adding humor and paranoia to all of it. Throughout, Pink uses a wonderful writing style, spelling out words not as they should be, but as they sound.

Fuggin' A!

[Dustin Reade · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book...it is really something special.
George Carlin once talked about the way he came up with his material. He said there were two worlds. The "BIG" world, which involves lofty concepts like politics, and global issues stuff.
The second world, the "SMALL" world, dealt with more personal things. Observations on the self, existentialism, and what not.
Sam Pink is a master of the Small World. He understands what it means to be a person, a REAL person, to work at some awful job that you hate but don't hate because if it weren't for that job you'd be sitting at home staring at the walls. He has a knack for introspection, and a truly unique way of looking at things.

In this book, he talks about working in a department store. he has numerous conversations. Sneezes. Deals with an ex-girlfriend who still hangs around. Worries about his hair.
And so on.

I know how that sounds, but somehow Sam Pink makes all of the above activities incredibly entertaining, deep, humorous, and meaningful.
Or meaningless.
Whatever.

[Lara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hacía tiempo que quería echarle el guante a algo de Sam Pink y la verdad es que no he quedado decepcionada. Minimalista, descarnado y depresivo pero aún así consigue conectar contigo a muchos niveles, porque la vida de ese personaje sin nombre no es tan diferente a la que vives o a la que (tristemente) vas a vivir. Porque sabes que esos mismos pensamientos absurdos y enfermizos han cruzado tu mente alguna vez, y porque pierdes infinidad de segundos en tu vida en lugares parecidos a esos almacenes y salas de espera, esperando que pase algo cuando lo único que pasa es tu vida.

[Katherine Snedden · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Organizing the candy aisle with Billy, you realize suicide is not an option. Because the only way would be to try and bang your skull against the tile floor hard enough. Only what would happen is, after one good bang you'd become disoriented and then get arrested and institutionalized. And then, with the eventual granting of a little personal freedom, you'd only be able to get the same type of job, where one day you'd be asked to organize a candy aisle."

[Sharon Lam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really, really liked No Hellos, it was funny and it was refreshing to read something in second-person. Maybe also because I read it while I got my first job ever, at a supermarket, and read the book during my lunch-breaks so I felt more "connected" to the book.


This was the first book-book by Sam Pink I read, I had read No One Can Do Anything Worse to You Than You Can but I didn't even realise that it was the same author until I finished reading No Hellos.

[Matt · Rating 4 out of 5]

You know, Sam Pink really is a hell of a writer. Not sure how I feel about his public personality, though I'm very much disinclined to judge. So what if he's not my favorite interviewee on Other People? I said it already and the only thing that should matter is when talking about his work is that he's a hell of a writer. That's all. And he is.

[Eric T. Voigt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Neo fucking decapitates a guy with some kind of steel rod or something in that third Matrix movie. Did you remember that? I didn't. And then I saw it happen again. Damn. Beheaded as all get-out. This book is a six. A compact slice of a terrible life that plays out in the best way.

[Muumuu House · Rating 5 out of 5]

http://muumuuhouse.com/sp.fiction2.html

[Lindsey.parks · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book made me want to get a job somewhere similar to Target, so I could have a friend nicknamed Sour Cream.

[Stephen · Rating 3 out of 5]

meditative

[Mientras Leo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Escrito en segunda persona es un ejercicio en el que el autor disfruta de sus propias rarezas.

[Raj · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was good.

[Ben · Rating 4 out of 5]

one of the few authors that can actually make me laugh.

[Nobody · Rating 4 out of 5]

I DON'T WANT TO BE BRAVE, HONORABLE, RELIABLE, IMPORTANT, SIGNIFICANT, LIKABLE, TRUSTWORTHY, CONFIDENT, OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN SCRUMPTIOUS.