*Fear not the fear!*
Fear! Anxiety! Stress! If reading those words just about pushed you over the edge, then Read! This! Book! (Now!).
Non-trembling hands down, Taylor's book _Nerve_ is one of the best ones I've encountered on dealing with the "nervous trinity" of fear, anxiety, and stress. The author is actually the perfect person to deliver the message that fear is not the enemy we assume it to be. In the beginning of the book he admits that:
"I am hardly the cool-headed master of fear. I'm not a psychologist, and I'm not a guru with a seven-step plan to help you End Worry Today! Or Unleash Your Fearless Warrior Spirit...I am in fact, a fairly neurotic guy with more than my fair share of irrational, deep-seated worries and anxieties." (p. 13)
And, it is through his own research-inspired, actually-lived (and trembled-through) experiences of confronting his own demons that Taylor is able to offer a new way to relate to fear. His approach centers on the wisdom that "Fear is not our enemy. We don't need to get rid of fear or push it away. We need to learn how to be afraid." (p. 16)
With his wit, humor, savvy writing style, and down-to-earth guidance, Taylor shows that being afraid really is not so scary after all. As he points out: "Our problem is almost never 'fear itself' but the way we relate to that fear--by avoiding, withdrawing, seeking control, worrying, or falling victim to the mistaken belief that things will be okay only after we've annihilated all anxiety. Fear can be a good thing: it helps us survive, gives us meaning to our achievements, facilitates our performance, and makes us feel alive. Yes, fear can be uncomfortable and bewildering, and it can even thwart our most dearly held goals--but it doesn't have to be so...It's not whether you feel afraid that matters, but how you react to that fear." (p. 272)
After presenting fascinating case studies, debunking popular myths, and exploring the "brave new science of fear and cool," the book culminates in twelve key steps for learning how to be afraid (pp. 272-280):
1. Breathe--Deep breathing actually decreases reactivity in the parasympathetic nervous system, which reduces heart rate, resulting in your feeling less anxious and stressed.
2. Put your feelings into words--Talking or writing about emotions helps brain to consciously process them instead of becoming overwhelmed by them.
3. Train, practice, prepare--Training through repetition and experience is the only reliable way to ensure success. The U.S. military promotes this idea with their eight Ps: "Proper prior planning and preparation prevents piss-poor performance."
4. Redirect your focus--Concentrate on the present moment and on the task at hand, instead of on the "what-if" fears of the future.
5. Mindfully disentangle from worries and anxious thoughts--Learn to non-judgmentally "watch your worries" or postpone them instead of trying to wrestle with them.
6. Expose yourself to your fears--The only way to get over a fear is to go through it. As Taylor urges, "You must expose yourself to the things and ideas that scare you."
7. Learn to accept uncertainty and lack of control--Here's where the Serenity Prayer comes in handy by encouraging us to find the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
8. Reframe the situation--Keep fear in perspective by doubting your doubts and reappraising how you look at the situation. In the words of Elizabeth Phelps (whom the Taylor cites as "the NYU reappraisal expert"): "When you change the way you appraise a situation, you change your emotional response to it."
9. Joke around--By poking fun at a stressor, we take away its "psychological venom."
10. Build faith in yourself--Having confidence helps to transform threats into challenges we can cope with with and overcome. Believing we can influence the outcome reduces anxiety in a frightening situation.
11. Keep your eyes on a guiding principle--When we're feeling overwhelmed with fear and anxiety, dedication to a higher purpose can keep us grounded and motivated. Taylor so appropriately cites Nietzsche's wise words of "He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."
12. Open up to fear unconditionally--Contrary to popular belief, the best way to deal with fear is not to fight, control, avoid, or analyze it, but to simply expect, welcome, and accept it. Taylor's prescription is much more effective than any anti-anxiety medication will ever be: "There's nothing wrong with feeling anxious, ever, over anything at all. Fear and anxiety are part of who we are. Once we drop the pointless, wrongheaded routine about needing to get rid of them, we carry fear and anxiety around with us through life like friendly companions. Instead of battling fear, we just let it happen, and when the fight against it dissolves, so does the torment."
Through these steps "we slowly learn to live in harmony with fear, anxiety, and stress, expecting them to show up and welcome them when they do. And then a problem that once seed so horrific and intractable becomes so simple--and really not a problem at all." (p. 278)
So, go and (at least pretend to) be fearless and get your hands on a copy of this book, asap! And, once you're finished reading it, you might even realize that by not fearing the fear you can even become friends with it. (OK, so you might have to read the book twice to get to that