What do you think?
Rate this book
The Expectation Gap: Change Your Expectations to Transform Your Relationships
There is often a major gap between the expectations we hold and the reality of what we experience. This gap is what causes so much of the discomfort and discontentment we feel, especially within our relationships. The Expectation Gap is your guide to bridging this divide. In a world flooded with vague self-help advice, this book stands out by providing not just the "what" and "why" of self-improvement but also the crucial "how."
Written in an engaging and conversational tone, this book adeptly navigates complex topics, ensuring ease of understanding. It transcends vague encouragement, providing specific insights into how expectations influence relationships, providing a compelling reason to desire and initiate change. Blending science, psychology, personal anecdotes, and biblical principles, this book embarks on a captivating journey, shedding light on this essential aspect of relationships, providing both clarity and depth.
It's not just a book; it's an immersive experience that sparks a mindset shift. As you complete the application exercises and apply the principles within, you'll undergo a transformation in your relationships, creating a ripple effect that extends into every aspect of your life.
Say goodbye to generic advice and embrace a journey of self-discovery and improvement with The Expectation Gap. It's time to bridge the gap between what you expect and what you experience. Are you ready for the change?
Written in an engaging and conversational tone, this book adeptly navigates complex topics, ensuring ease of understanding. It transcends vague encouragement, providing specific insights into how expectations influence relationships, providing a compelling reason to desire and initiate change. Blending science, psychology, personal anecdotes, and biblical principles, this book embarks on a captivating journey, shedding light on this essential aspect of relationships, providing both clarity and depth.
It's not just a book; it's an immersive experience that sparks a mindset shift. As you complete the application exercises and apply the principles within, you'll undergo a transformation in your relationships, creating a ripple effect that extends into every aspect of your life.
Say goodbye to generic advice and embrace a journey of self-discovery and improvement with The Expectation Gap. It's time to bridge the gap between what you expect and what you experience. Are you ready for the change?
- GenresNonfictionChristian
112 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 22, 2023
10 people are currently reading
1481 people want to read
About the author
Jamie Hallman
1 book44 followersJamie Hallman is the author of The Expectation Gap. This transformative self-help guide offers readers specific action steps to bridge the gap between their expectations and reality to foster healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Jamie is also the owner and CEO of Consider It Closed LLC, a company that provides transaction coordinator services to real estate agents in Florida. She received her Bachelor's degree in Human Nutrition from Winthrop University. She practiced as a Registered Dietitian for several years before obtaining her real estate license, starting her own company, and growing her team.
Having visited 22 countries, Jamie is a world traveler. One of her more adventurous experiences involved an overseas mission trip called the World Race that took her to 11 different countries within 3 continents in 11 months. All of these experiences have shaped her as a person and author. Jamie resides in Northeast Florida with her husband, Keith, and their two dogs, Kai and Yoshi.
Jamie is also the owner and CEO of Consider It Closed LLC, a company that provides transaction coordinator services to real estate agents in Florida. She received her Bachelor's degree in Human Nutrition from Winthrop University. She practiced as a Registered Dietitian for several years before obtaining her real estate license, starting her own company, and growing her team.
Having visited 22 countries, Jamie is a world traveler. One of her more adventurous experiences involved an overseas mission trip called the World Race that took her to 11 different countries within 3 continents in 11 months. All of these experiences have shaped her as a person and author. Jamie resides in Northeast Florida with her husband, Keith, and their two dogs, Kai and Yoshi.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
October 27, 2023
“There is often a major gap between the expectations we hold and the reality of what we experience. This gap is what causes so much of the discomfort and discontentment we feel, especially in our relationships.”
Jamie Hallman has written The Expectation Gap to help readers understand how their unmet, and often unknown expectations, are affecting their relationships, often causing tension and deterioration.
There are a lot of great insights in this book that will definitely help shift mindsets when arguments or hurts occur, curb reactions, and help direct attention to the real problems and not just the symptoms of the problems.
What is at the heart of most issues in our relationships?
Hallman poses: expectations, and therefore, unmet expectations.
Hallman’s position is correct. Yet, I think we could go even deeper and talk about how our expectations are formed by our needs. We expect certain treatment or behaviors because we may have a need to feel accepted, or appreciated, or loved, or useful. We may need trust or commitment or grace. The list goes on.
I recently attended a marriage workshop that talked about a relationship’s ‘fear cycle’ in which we are triggered by certain behaviors because of our fear of our needs not being met which in turn can trigger the other person’s buttons because of their fear of their needs not being met. A lot of what Jamie discusses in her book aligns with that observation.
She says, “Simply put, expectations are based on what we imagine, hope, guess, or want to happen rather than what actually is.”
Expectations created out of our needs, placed with fear, and then unmet can cause a lot of problems.
The outline and purpose of the book is this:
“By the end of this book you’ll be able to: define and identify your expectations, set realistic expectations, communicate them, and experience healthier relationships, more personal freedom, and peace.”
To this end, she did a great job of informing us about the psychology of expectations and seeing how it affects our relationships. She gives good examples from her own life and gives some guidance on helping us identify our own blindspots. She points out expectations that may not be realistic and or that may need to be adjusted.
There are application sections after each chapter that are really important to put things into practice. I tended to view them in light of my marriage, which I found very helpful, but I think they can easily be applied to friendships, relationships at work or even with your kids. They will have the most impact if you are willing to put in the work and have these conversations or write things down. Take the abstract and make it concrete. Make it actionable.
In her book Jamie talks about the positive and negative elements of expectations.
“Expectations serve a purpose. At their best, they allow us to hope and strive for more, to look forward to what happens next, to mentally prepare us for certain scenarios and can even help us achieve a certain level of growth and success. At their worst though, they can lead to disillusionment and resentment, destroy relationships and cause feelings of anger and disappointment.”
She talks about where expectations meet perceptions.
“There is proof that how we perceive something affects our experience of that very thing regardless of the facts surrounding it.”
Knowing this, then, she says “…expectations create perception.”
She talks about the science behind expectations.
I was a Psychology minor in college and so I really enjoyed the chapters in her book that talked about different studies that were done that inform us on how expectations and brain function.
I don’t know if I felt surprised by anything she revealed, as they were things I had kinda already known about. But nonetheless they were good reminders and still interesting to read about.
For example, our brains our very powerful because of their neuroplasticity, which is basically the fact that our thoughts can literally change the structure and function of our brains. That can be to the good or to the bad. Our self-talk seems inconsequential but it can actually really make a difference.
Then there’s the Pygmalion Effect. Robert Rosenthal said of this, “the bottom line is that if we expect certain behaviors from people, we treat them differently— and that treatment is likely to affect their behavior.”
I think this is a really important thing in relationships to be sure, but also just in today’s victimhood culture in general. One of the studies she shared told of teachers in a classroom looking at students’ growth over the course of the year. They were told which students were expected to experience a lot of growth that year and those students did! But they were picked at random. The teacher treated them different because of the expectation which then influenced how the students responded to that treatment.
If you tell kids they are smart and they can do hard things, they will rise to it. If you tell kids they are disadvantaged and growth is limited, they will most likely remain stagnant. (The Golem Effect)
If applied to marriage, or even my marriage specifically, if I expect my husband to get mad about something ‘like he always does’ then when that situation comes up again, I’m going to perceive things through that lens when that might not even be the case.
I related a lot to her honesty in some of the friendships she had or the perceptions she had of women going into new environments. She talks about how she has a lot of different interests than most women and often felt like no one understood her or she wouldn’t be able to connect to anyone because she was too different. So she would go into these gatherings expecting that and then perceiving these women through that lens of difference and negativity which hindered her ability to make friendships. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
“I do not have to have x amount of things in common with someone or be fully understood by them, to love them or be loved by them.”
I think I have a tendency to do that too. Those were expectations I had of others that I didn’t really realize, and it was a good aha moment.
Another thing that stuck out to me was this:
“Instead of focusing on the reality of who we both were and what I knew to be true, I started creating my own version of the truth, and it put us both on the losing team.”
This was something I had spoken with my own counselor about. When an argument occurs or something happens that upsets me, I have to stop and ask- what is the story I’m telling myself?
For example, I made supper one night— miracle— and when my husband went to dish his out he said, ‘Is this what it’s supposed to look like?’ And I instantly reacted in anger and frustration. How dare he criticize my meal I worked so hard to make? I felt hurt and I told myself I wasn’t a good wife or a good mom and he didn’t appreciate anything I did and didn’t know hard it was for me and on and on. The story I told myself was that him questioning my meal meant he viewed me as incompetent and a bad cook and that he didn’t care about me. The reality? He just thought it looked different than the last time I made and was curious if something new was in it.
Or when my husband forgot to take the trash out… again… the story I often told myself was that he didn’t care about me or our family or he would try harder to remember.
The stories I told myself were not true but they became my reality and derailed the situations pretty quickly.
Her chapter on communicating our expectations is important because it’s not enough to just ‘know’ about stuff. A relationship involves two people. One of the pieces of marriage advice I always give is: Ask for what you want because your spouse cannot read your mind and what seems obvious to you, is not a given.
It’s annoying, but it’s reality. If I expect my husband to take the pile of stuff upstairs with him that’s been sitting on the stairs all week, he really has no idea, and it won’t get done. I need to ask him to do it. I can’t fume all week because he didn’t meet that expectation that I never voiced.
“When you let others in on your expectations and viewpoint, it tends to either create resolution through change or at the very worst relieve you of the burden of carrying it.”
Plus if you are communicating your expectation, you are getting input.
I thought it was good that Hallman reiterated that just because we have a want, a need, or an expectation doesn’t mean that we are right to have it or that it is a good one. By talking through our expectations with the other person we can determine- is this a fair, realistic, healthy expectation?
“It is not fair to take a personal desire and make it a requirement, especially if unvoiced to the person it is being placed upon.”
Following that train of thought, she links hiding your expectations with hiding your true self.
“Even if some do like the fake version of who you present yourself to be, how does that truly leave you feeling? I’m guessing it is not accepted, loved and happy because you know the person they have accepted is not truly you, so it is not true acceptance.”
I can see where she’s coming from with this, but I also couldn’t help but think about this in terms of relationships strained because of different beliefs about LGBTQ+ things. ‘Accepting’ someone can mean a lot of different things and tends to be a buzzword.
I think we have to be careful when using verbiage like ‘acceptance’ and ‘true you.’ What the culture defines as authentic and true does not always line up with Scripture.
I definitely agree that expectations should be communicated and people should share their true feelings. But a feeling is not always truth.
She does have some clarifying words that I thought were helpful in understanding her message:
“I hope you see just how vital it is that you begin communicating your true expectations and feelings with others, as well as yourself. This is not because you are right and everyone needs to cater to what you want. It is so that you can be honest about who you are and what you most want and need.”
“Somewhere along the way, our culture has bought into the lie that we must agree with others to be in true relationship with them.”
Though Jamie uses some Bible references and states upfront that “My relationships with Jesus Christ is the single most impactful thing in my life. I strongly believe that this relationship is what has allowed me to accept and apply these truths I’ve learned…” overall the book is written in a way that is meant to be for a more universal readership. Meaning, you don’t have to be a Christian to benefit from and use this knowledge. For better or worse, she’s not ‘preaching.’
I understand this design because she wants to keep her market broad and help the most people that she can.
But at the same time, there are going to be aspects of this that come to a head— like in terms of acceptance and true self— where a Christian would move forward one way because of God’s Word and the leading of the Holy Spirit and a non-believer would move a different way.
Learning about expectations and everything Jamie talks about is really good and practical and helpful, but really it can only do so much if it’s not grounded in Truth and based on the knowledge of where our identity is and why it matters. Sacrifice and love are rooted in Christ. We have grace for unmet expectations because we know that God gives us everything we need. We don’t NEED anything from our spouse or our friends because God is enough for us. That’s the freedom.
“Peace is found where expectations meet grace.”
Christ’s example is also the why. We love because he first loved us. We sacrifice and put others first because Jesus showed us how. We love because the other person is made in the image of God. If we don’t have that foundation then what really is the why? And is it sustainable?
We are selfish creatures. It’s probably safe to say that most, if not all, of our expectations are selfish in some way. Selflessness and humility are not innate in us. We can’t just ‘be better’ on our own. We need help. Outside of ourselves.
I was happy to see that Jamie included something along those lines at the end of her book. She recognizes and shares that you can have all the tools in the world but the most impactful thing you can do is trust in the power of Christ and the Holy Spirit to do a good work in us. To enable us to put others first. To enable us to choose true and right expectations even when it goes against our feelings.
We are finite creatures with a disposition to selfishness and self-preservation. We are weak to do anything on our own. Books like this are still really good because in the practical day-to-day it gives us action steps and a template for our conversations. But at the base of it, we need something more and hopefully readers will take Jamie’s advice and consider learning more about Jesus as they finish her book.
A few other books I would recommend:
Everybody Fights: Why Not Get Better at It? by Kim & Penn Holderness (This is also a fairly universal handling of this topic and provides practical tips on the actual communicating part of it.)
Lies We Believe by Chris Thurman (I’m currently reading this one; is helpful in knowing what expectations are healthy or if they’re based on a lie we believe about who we are or what we need)
Love Focused by Bob & Judy Hughes (On my TBR but comes highly recommended by many, including my mom…)
Do Not Be True to Yourself: Countercultural Advice for the Rest of Your Life by Kevin DeYoung (This is not particuarly focused on relationships or marriage, but does speak into how we identify some of the desires we have that we may NOT want to be true to.)
A sidenote I wanted to make about the book itself. When I communicated with the author before agreeing to read the book, she shared something she had posted on her Instagram page. She chose to publish this book without test readers or professional editing.
“…in a time where we tend to over-filter and over-analyze everything, from our social media posts to our conversations, I wanted to share myself with others in a completely authentic, pure, and raw way. This was my chance to share the lessons I have learned without asking the world for its permission first, without changing or editing it to gain more approval or acceptance. This book was an opportunity to acknowledge both my value and the value of my experience independent of outside influences.”
I respect her decision to do this. I was actually expecting a lot of errors in the writing or fluff in the content because of this, but I only found a couple mistakes. For not being ‘a professional,’ the content was good and the research was strong.
The margins are a bit small and the paragraph breaks could have been more frequent for ‘reading comfort’ but those are small formatting issues.
Overall, I am impressed with the quality of the book that she put together and I admire that she took the plunge, trusting that God would get her book in the hands that needed it, that she wasn’t going to curate a book fit for the masses, but put out there what God was putting on her heart in a transparent and raw way.
“I guess I wanted to prove that regardless of what the book publishing industry says, you do not need a PhD or a million followers or a perfectly written manuscript in order to have something of value to say and share. My goal in writing this book was not to compromise on my message to reach as many people as possible but to be authentic to the message I have to share to make the most impact for the few who do read it.”
Recommendation
I would definitely recommend this book. It’s short and very practical. It’s not magic or a secret weapon, but it’s really good advice and instruction that I’ve heard echoed and validated that will help the way you interact in your relationships.
Expectations, whether met or unmet, are a reality. And they truly do play a big role in our conflicts. Getting a handle on them is a very worthwhile way to spend your time and I do think your relationships will be healthier for it.
As I mentioned that this wasn’t an entirely gospel-centered book regarding the topic, I would recommend it be read in conjunction with some others because I believe it’s effectiveness is limited without Christ and the Holy Spirit. But even if you opt not to read anything else, you won’t come away empty.
**Received a copy via the author in exchange for an honest review*
Book Review Blog | Facebook | Pinterest | StoryGraph
Jamie Hallman has written The Expectation Gap to help readers understand how their unmet, and often unknown expectations, are affecting their relationships, often causing tension and deterioration.
There are a lot of great insights in this book that will definitely help shift mindsets when arguments or hurts occur, curb reactions, and help direct attention to the real problems and not just the symptoms of the problems.
What is at the heart of most issues in our relationships?
Hallman poses: expectations, and therefore, unmet expectations.
Hallman’s position is correct. Yet, I think we could go even deeper and talk about how our expectations are formed by our needs. We expect certain treatment or behaviors because we may have a need to feel accepted, or appreciated, or loved, or useful. We may need trust or commitment or grace. The list goes on.
I recently attended a marriage workshop that talked about a relationship’s ‘fear cycle’ in which we are triggered by certain behaviors because of our fear of our needs not being met which in turn can trigger the other person’s buttons because of their fear of their needs not being met. A lot of what Jamie discusses in her book aligns with that observation.
She says, “Simply put, expectations are based on what we imagine, hope, guess, or want to happen rather than what actually is.”
Expectations created out of our needs, placed with fear, and then unmet can cause a lot of problems.
The outline and purpose of the book is this:
“By the end of this book you’ll be able to: define and identify your expectations, set realistic expectations, communicate them, and experience healthier relationships, more personal freedom, and peace.”
To this end, she did a great job of informing us about the psychology of expectations and seeing how it affects our relationships. She gives good examples from her own life and gives some guidance on helping us identify our own blindspots. She points out expectations that may not be realistic and or that may need to be adjusted.
There are application sections after each chapter that are really important to put things into practice. I tended to view them in light of my marriage, which I found very helpful, but I think they can easily be applied to friendships, relationships at work or even with your kids. They will have the most impact if you are willing to put in the work and have these conversations or write things down. Take the abstract and make it concrete. Make it actionable.
In her book Jamie talks about the positive and negative elements of expectations.
“Expectations serve a purpose. At their best, they allow us to hope and strive for more, to look forward to what happens next, to mentally prepare us for certain scenarios and can even help us achieve a certain level of growth and success. At their worst though, they can lead to disillusionment and resentment, destroy relationships and cause feelings of anger and disappointment.”
She talks about where expectations meet perceptions.
“There is proof that how we perceive something affects our experience of that very thing regardless of the facts surrounding it.”
Knowing this, then, she says “…expectations create perception.”
She talks about the science behind expectations.
I was a Psychology minor in college and so I really enjoyed the chapters in her book that talked about different studies that were done that inform us on how expectations and brain function.
I don’t know if I felt surprised by anything she revealed, as they were things I had kinda already known about. But nonetheless they were good reminders and still interesting to read about.
For example, our brains our very powerful because of their neuroplasticity, which is basically the fact that our thoughts can literally change the structure and function of our brains. That can be to the good or to the bad. Our self-talk seems inconsequential but it can actually really make a difference.
Then there’s the Pygmalion Effect. Robert Rosenthal said of this, “the bottom line is that if we expect certain behaviors from people, we treat them differently— and that treatment is likely to affect their behavior.”
I think this is a really important thing in relationships to be sure, but also just in today’s victimhood culture in general. One of the studies she shared told of teachers in a classroom looking at students’ growth over the course of the year. They were told which students were expected to experience a lot of growth that year and those students did! But they were picked at random. The teacher treated them different because of the expectation which then influenced how the students responded to that treatment.
If you tell kids they are smart and they can do hard things, they will rise to it. If you tell kids they are disadvantaged and growth is limited, they will most likely remain stagnant. (The Golem Effect)
If applied to marriage, or even my marriage specifically, if I expect my husband to get mad about something ‘like he always does’ then when that situation comes up again, I’m going to perceive things through that lens when that might not even be the case.
I related a lot to her honesty in some of the friendships she had or the perceptions she had of women going into new environments. She talks about how she has a lot of different interests than most women and often felt like no one understood her or she wouldn’t be able to connect to anyone because she was too different. So she would go into these gatherings expecting that and then perceiving these women through that lens of difference and negativity which hindered her ability to make friendships. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
“I do not have to have x amount of things in common with someone or be fully understood by them, to love them or be loved by them.”
I think I have a tendency to do that too. Those were expectations I had of others that I didn’t really realize, and it was a good aha moment.
Another thing that stuck out to me was this:
“Instead of focusing on the reality of who we both were and what I knew to be true, I started creating my own version of the truth, and it put us both on the losing team.”
This was something I had spoken with my own counselor about. When an argument occurs or something happens that upsets me, I have to stop and ask- what is the story I’m telling myself?
For example, I made supper one night— miracle— and when my husband went to dish his out he said, ‘Is this what it’s supposed to look like?’ And I instantly reacted in anger and frustration. How dare he criticize my meal I worked so hard to make? I felt hurt and I told myself I wasn’t a good wife or a good mom and he didn’t appreciate anything I did and didn’t know hard it was for me and on and on. The story I told myself was that him questioning my meal meant he viewed me as incompetent and a bad cook and that he didn’t care about me. The reality? He just thought it looked different than the last time I made and was curious if something new was in it.
Or when my husband forgot to take the trash out… again… the story I often told myself was that he didn’t care about me or our family or he would try harder to remember.
The stories I told myself were not true but they became my reality and derailed the situations pretty quickly.
Her chapter on communicating our expectations is important because it’s not enough to just ‘know’ about stuff. A relationship involves two people. One of the pieces of marriage advice I always give is: Ask for what you want because your spouse cannot read your mind and what seems obvious to you, is not a given.
It’s annoying, but it’s reality. If I expect my husband to take the pile of stuff upstairs with him that’s been sitting on the stairs all week, he really has no idea, and it won’t get done. I need to ask him to do it. I can’t fume all week because he didn’t meet that expectation that I never voiced.
“When you let others in on your expectations and viewpoint, it tends to either create resolution through change or at the very worst relieve you of the burden of carrying it.”
Plus if you are communicating your expectation, you are getting input.
I thought it was good that Hallman reiterated that just because we have a want, a need, or an expectation doesn’t mean that we are right to have it or that it is a good one. By talking through our expectations with the other person we can determine- is this a fair, realistic, healthy expectation?
“It is not fair to take a personal desire and make it a requirement, especially if unvoiced to the person it is being placed upon.”
Following that train of thought, she links hiding your expectations with hiding your true self.
“Even if some do like the fake version of who you present yourself to be, how does that truly leave you feeling? I’m guessing it is not accepted, loved and happy because you know the person they have accepted is not truly you, so it is not true acceptance.”
I can see where she’s coming from with this, but I also couldn’t help but think about this in terms of relationships strained because of different beliefs about LGBTQ+ things. ‘Accepting’ someone can mean a lot of different things and tends to be a buzzword.
I think we have to be careful when using verbiage like ‘acceptance’ and ‘true you.’ What the culture defines as authentic and true does not always line up with Scripture.
I definitely agree that expectations should be communicated and people should share their true feelings. But a feeling is not always truth.
She does have some clarifying words that I thought were helpful in understanding her message:
“I hope you see just how vital it is that you begin communicating your true expectations and feelings with others, as well as yourself. This is not because you are right and everyone needs to cater to what you want. It is so that you can be honest about who you are and what you most want and need.”
“Somewhere along the way, our culture has bought into the lie that we must agree with others to be in true relationship with them.”
Though Jamie uses some Bible references and states upfront that “My relationships with Jesus Christ is the single most impactful thing in my life. I strongly believe that this relationship is what has allowed me to accept and apply these truths I’ve learned…” overall the book is written in a way that is meant to be for a more universal readership. Meaning, you don’t have to be a Christian to benefit from and use this knowledge. For better or worse, she’s not ‘preaching.’
I understand this design because she wants to keep her market broad and help the most people that she can.
But at the same time, there are going to be aspects of this that come to a head— like in terms of acceptance and true self— where a Christian would move forward one way because of God’s Word and the leading of the Holy Spirit and a non-believer would move a different way.
Learning about expectations and everything Jamie talks about is really good and practical and helpful, but really it can only do so much if it’s not grounded in Truth and based on the knowledge of where our identity is and why it matters. Sacrifice and love are rooted in Christ. We have grace for unmet expectations because we know that God gives us everything we need. We don’t NEED anything from our spouse or our friends because God is enough for us. That’s the freedom.
“Peace is found where expectations meet grace.”
Christ’s example is also the why. We love because he first loved us. We sacrifice and put others first because Jesus showed us how. We love because the other person is made in the image of God. If we don’t have that foundation then what really is the why? And is it sustainable?
We are selfish creatures. It’s probably safe to say that most, if not all, of our expectations are selfish in some way. Selflessness and humility are not innate in us. We can’t just ‘be better’ on our own. We need help. Outside of ourselves.
I was happy to see that Jamie included something along those lines at the end of her book. She recognizes and shares that you can have all the tools in the world but the most impactful thing you can do is trust in the power of Christ and the Holy Spirit to do a good work in us. To enable us to put others first. To enable us to choose true and right expectations even when it goes against our feelings.
We are finite creatures with a disposition to selfishness and self-preservation. We are weak to do anything on our own. Books like this are still really good because in the practical day-to-day it gives us action steps and a template for our conversations. But at the base of it, we need something more and hopefully readers will take Jamie’s advice and consider learning more about Jesus as they finish her book.
A few other books I would recommend:
Everybody Fights: Why Not Get Better at It? by Kim & Penn Holderness (This is also a fairly universal handling of this topic and provides practical tips on the actual communicating part of it.)
Lies We Believe by Chris Thurman (I’m currently reading this one; is helpful in knowing what expectations are healthy or if they’re based on a lie we believe about who we are or what we need)
Love Focused by Bob & Judy Hughes (On my TBR but comes highly recommended by many, including my mom…)
Do Not Be True to Yourself: Countercultural Advice for the Rest of Your Life by Kevin DeYoung (This is not particuarly focused on relationships or marriage, but does speak into how we identify some of the desires we have that we may NOT want to be true to.)
A sidenote I wanted to make about the book itself. When I communicated with the author before agreeing to read the book, she shared something she had posted on her Instagram page. She chose to publish this book without test readers or professional editing.
“…in a time where we tend to over-filter and over-analyze everything, from our social media posts to our conversations, I wanted to share myself with others in a completely authentic, pure, and raw way. This was my chance to share the lessons I have learned without asking the world for its permission first, without changing or editing it to gain more approval or acceptance. This book was an opportunity to acknowledge both my value and the value of my experience independent of outside influences.”
I respect her decision to do this. I was actually expecting a lot of errors in the writing or fluff in the content because of this, but I only found a couple mistakes. For not being ‘a professional,’ the content was good and the research was strong.
The margins are a bit small and the paragraph breaks could have been more frequent for ‘reading comfort’ but those are small formatting issues.
Overall, I am impressed with the quality of the book that she put together and I admire that she took the plunge, trusting that God would get her book in the hands that needed it, that she wasn’t going to curate a book fit for the masses, but put out there what God was putting on her heart in a transparent and raw way.
“I guess I wanted to prove that regardless of what the book publishing industry says, you do not need a PhD or a million followers or a perfectly written manuscript in order to have something of value to say and share. My goal in writing this book was not to compromise on my message to reach as many people as possible but to be authentic to the message I have to share to make the most impact for the few who do read it.”
Recommendation
I would definitely recommend this book. It’s short and very practical. It’s not magic or a secret weapon, but it’s really good advice and instruction that I’ve heard echoed and validated that will help the way you interact in your relationships.
Expectations, whether met or unmet, are a reality. And they truly do play a big role in our conflicts. Getting a handle on them is a very worthwhile way to spend your time and I do think your relationships will be healthier for it.
As I mentioned that this wasn’t an entirely gospel-centered book regarding the topic, I would recommend it be read in conjunction with some others because I believe it’s effectiveness is limited without Christ and the Holy Spirit. But even if you opt not to read anything else, you won’t come away empty.
**Received a copy via the author in exchange for an honest review*
Book Review Blog | Facebook | Pinterest | StoryGraph
February 26, 2024
Ironically, this book did not meet my expectations. I wanted to DNF early on, but persuaded myself to continue due to the short length; a book I should have read in a day or two took me far longer to complete simply because I did not want to pick it back up.
By the halfway point, there is still no application, which is ostensibly the purpose of the book. The content on research related to expectations (it's all about priming although this word is never utilized) feels redundant by this point. The amount of text devoted to the Stanford Prison Experiment feels out of place in such a short book. There is also Scripture included, but the approach is very much one of eisegesis.
This felt like a lot of words and biographical information about the author for a text that could have boiled down to a blog post. Ultimately the book advises to make a list of expectations, evaluating if those are realistic, reasonable and important, before sharing them with others.
I also did not enjoy what read as a condescending tone from the author, as she repeatedly apologized for using basic neuroscience terms after defining them, as if they're difficult for the reader to grasp. I was also not a fan of the author's repeated insistence that we should be willing to put aside how we feel loved and simply appreciate how others are able to show us love. We all feel love differently and those preferences are valid (see The 5 Love Languages, or Love & Respect among others).
Perhaps I am not the target reader for this book, as I have conducted research on priming and was a research grant recipient in my undergrad on this topic. I've also done a good deal of personal reading and research on neuroplasticity, which is covered in the first portion of this text. However, this does not impact the lack of substance or my other issues with this book.
Format: Ebook, owned
Rating: 2 stars
Book 35 of 2024
By the halfway point, there is still no application, which is ostensibly the purpose of the book. The content on research related to expectations (it's all about priming although this word is never utilized) feels redundant by this point. The amount of text devoted to the Stanford Prison Experiment feels out of place in such a short book. There is also Scripture included, but the approach is very much one of eisegesis.
This felt like a lot of words and biographical information about the author for a text that could have boiled down to a blog post. Ultimately the book advises to make a list of expectations, evaluating if those are realistic, reasonable and important, before sharing them with others.
I also did not enjoy what read as a condescending tone from the author, as she repeatedly apologized for using basic neuroscience terms after defining them, as if they're difficult for the reader to grasp. I was also not a fan of the author's repeated insistence that we should be willing to put aside how we feel loved and simply appreciate how others are able to show us love. We all feel love differently and those preferences are valid (see The 5 Love Languages, or Love & Respect among others).
Perhaps I am not the target reader for this book, as I have conducted research on priming and was a research grant recipient in my undergrad on this topic. I've also done a good deal of personal reading and research on neuroplasticity, which is covered in the first portion of this text. However, this does not impact the lack of substance or my other issues with this book.
Format: Ebook, owned
Rating: 2 stars
Book 35 of 2024
February 5, 2024
This is a wonderfully practical book!
Whether it is our stress level, our mood, or the way we respond and react to someone, expectations deeply touch our lives and those we love. Even more, expectations we don’t even realize we have can cause harm. Despite this, we are not stuck in a hopeless cycle. This is the basis for this book.
What especially drew me in was how the book “uniquely combines biblical principles, personal stories, and scientific studies” on this topic. I appreciated how well written and researched this book was. Even though this is a topic that is familiar to me, there was so much I had not considered before.
I’m immensely grateful for the author’s insights and study on this topic!
Some highlights:
“The key to managing expectations is to identify them and adjust them based on reality, not try to make reality conform to the expectations.”
“Knowing you can speak encouragement and hope into someone else and actually have it affect their own views and thoughts of themselves is incredible - it is a powerful ability that many of us do not even know we have.”
“Managing your expectations of others, though it will of course affect them, is not actually about others at all. At its core, it is about you and the freedom that comes from learning to accept others and better control yourself.”
Thank you to the author for gifting me a copy of this book. I am leaving this review voluntarily and all opinions are my own.
Whether it is our stress level, our mood, or the way we respond and react to someone, expectations deeply touch our lives and those we love. Even more, expectations we don’t even realize we have can cause harm. Despite this, we are not stuck in a hopeless cycle. This is the basis for this book.
What especially drew me in was how the book “uniquely combines biblical principles, personal stories, and scientific studies” on this topic. I appreciated how well written and researched this book was. Even though this is a topic that is familiar to me, there was so much I had not considered before.
I’m immensely grateful for the author’s insights and study on this topic!
Some highlights:
“The key to managing expectations is to identify them and adjust them based on reality, not try to make reality conform to the expectations.”
“Knowing you can speak encouragement and hope into someone else and actually have it affect their own views and thoughts of themselves is incredible - it is a powerful ability that many of us do not even know we have.”
“Managing your expectations of others, though it will of course affect them, is not actually about others at all. At its core, it is about you and the freedom that comes from learning to accept others and better control yourself.”
Thank you to the author for gifting me a copy of this book. I am leaving this review voluntarily and all opinions are my own.
October 6, 2024
Have you ever thought about what fuels anger, frustration, or misunderstanding between people or when facing a challenging situation? What if it’s because of uncommunicated—and sometimes unknown—expectation that we have?
In her book, Jamie Hallman devotes eight chapters to helping us understand the science behind expectations, identifying and managing them, and the role they play in maintaining healthy relationships when managed well.
I loved how practical the book was and the exercises that she gives throughout the book are incredibly helpful for getting really clear about your expectations. She is truly committed to helping us learn to manage them in a healthy way through practice and education. I really enjoyed learning more about this subject from Jamie!
So grateful to the author for gifting me with an electronic copy to read and review. All opinions are my own.
In her book, Jamie Hallman devotes eight chapters to helping us understand the science behind expectations, identifying and managing them, and the role they play in maintaining healthy relationships when managed well.
I loved how practical the book was and the exercises that she gives throughout the book are incredibly helpful for getting really clear about your expectations. She is truly committed to helping us learn to manage them in a healthy way through practice and education. I really enjoyed learning more about this subject from Jamie!
So grateful to the author for gifting me with an electronic copy to read and review. All opinions are my own.
February 20, 2024
What I Thought About the Book:
I enjoyed this book. I thought it was helpful and informative to learn how to improve relationships. As a Therapist, I will reference and recommend this book to clients struggling in their relationships.
I appreciated the blend of scientific research, personal stories, and Biblical principles that articulated how expectations influence our relationships.
At the end of each Chapter, there were application exercises to help readers take action and improve their relationships.
This book is for those seeking more harmony and peace within their relationships.
Thank you to the author of this book for reaching out and providing me with a free ebook copy!
Quotes/Highlights:
"The key to managing expectations is to identify them and adjust them based on reality, not try to make reality conform to the expectations."
"Time and time again, there is proof that how we perceive something affects our experiences of that very thing regardless of the facts surrounding it."
"When we try to view others solely through our lens, we lose sight of theirs."
I loved this point and how the author noted a Biblical principle- of treating others more significant than ourselves ( Phil. 2:3-4).
"We can become so consumed with our own needs to be seen and loved that we neglect that same need in others."
"One of the most impactful changes within my relationships has come from learning to focus less on what makes me personally feel most loved by others and more on how they do demonstrate love to me."
July 7, 2024
This is a really well written and well researched book, which offers some really helpful insights into how to navigate expectations/disappointments, particularly in the context of relationships. Although written from a Christian perspective this is mainly physiology and psychology informed self help rather than spiritual teaching, so would also be accessible for anyone - and it really challenged my thinking at points (in a good way!)
May 31, 2023
Jamie did a great job explaining the research behind our expectations and how these expectations have an effect on so many things we do and relationships we care about. She encourages and equips you with ways that you can re-examine those relationships closest to you and make a choice for positive change. As a Christian, I appreciated how she tied these truths together with the truth of the Bible. I walked away from this read with some new things to consider and a new ways to confront relational conflict when it may arise.
April 22, 2024
The Expectation Gap says, “The key to managing expectations is to identify them and adjust them based on reality, not try to make reality conform to the expectations.”
The Expectation Gap was written by Jamie Hallman, CEO of a real estate business and world traveler. Jamie found herself enjoying others more for who they were when she took the burden of expectation out of the equation.
Jamie lays out a comprehensive guide to identifying and applying the tools to transform relationships. She says every relationship can benefit from identifying, setting, and communicating proper expectations.
I could relate to the need to identify, because expectations often lie below the surface until they are exposed by disappointment. How many times have we been hurt by something we didn’t know we wanted? Setting expectations is another way to establish boundaries in a relationship and helps us to know guidelines for relating to each other. Communicating expectations is the hardest part for me, knowing when it is appropriate to take that step in a relationship. Jamie helps the process by modeling the approach and follow up.
The Expectation Gap helps me see how interaction with my grands impacts their self-esteem. When I say, “You are smart, kind, sweet and I love spending time with you,” I am speaking into their character, and they will rise to fulfill that role. When I have unmet expectations in my marriage, I can be more mindful of interactions and notice my role in the interpretation of that expectation.
The Expectation Gap will encourage you in your quest toward your most authentic self and help you to dig deeper for transformation in yourself and with others.
Disclaimer: I received a copy of this book from the author in exchange for a fair and honest review.
The Expectation Gap was written by Jamie Hallman, CEO of a real estate business and world traveler. Jamie found herself enjoying others more for who they were when she took the burden of expectation out of the equation.
Jamie lays out a comprehensive guide to identifying and applying the tools to transform relationships. She says every relationship can benefit from identifying, setting, and communicating proper expectations.
I could relate to the need to identify, because expectations often lie below the surface until they are exposed by disappointment. How many times have we been hurt by something we didn’t know we wanted? Setting expectations is another way to establish boundaries in a relationship and helps us to know guidelines for relating to each other. Communicating expectations is the hardest part for me, knowing when it is appropriate to take that step in a relationship. Jamie helps the process by modeling the approach and follow up.
The Expectation Gap helps me see how interaction with my grands impacts their self-esteem. When I say, “You are smart, kind, sweet and I love spending time with you,” I am speaking into their character, and they will rise to fulfill that role. When I have unmet expectations in my marriage, I can be more mindful of interactions and notice my role in the interpretation of that expectation.
The Expectation Gap will encourage you in your quest toward your most authentic self and help you to dig deeper for transformation in yourself and with others.
Disclaimer: I received a copy of this book from the author in exchange for a fair and honest review.
January 11, 2024
Like most things we say we “know”, if you’re not implementing positive change around it, you may understand it, but you don’t know it.
Jamie works her way around this seemingly simple concept - setting proper expectations in all facets of life - and delivers subtle reminders in myriad ways. Along with useful reflections and exercises to ensure we leave with actionable reminders that will effect action - not just good intentions.
Well done
Jamie works her way around this seemingly simple concept - setting proper expectations in all facets of life - and delivers subtle reminders in myriad ways. Along with useful reflections and exercises to ensure we leave with actionable reminders that will effect action - not just good intentions.
Well done
December 15, 2024
Given to me during a time when I'm struggling with my expectations of God; and wondering why my prayers aren't being answered in the manner in which I hoped.
Excerpt that resonated with me
"In the dark moments of my faith, when I am feeling swallowed up by doubt, when I encounter evil firsthand, when a friend faces a tragic loss, I am comforted by remembering God's first and final word . . . . life."
Excerpt that resonated with me
"In the dark moments of my faith, when I am feeling swallowed up by doubt, when I encounter evil firsthand, when a friend faces a tragic loss, I am comforted by remembering God's first and final word . . . . life."
February 12, 2024
Such an important read for relationships and for thriving marriages. Expectations and the disappointments we experience and feel are the cause of so many unnecessary disagreements. Thank you for this important conversation!
February 4, 2025
Jamie Hallman delivers a well-researched book. Hallman blends science, personal stories, and Bible verses to show the importance of expectations in our relationships. The application questions at the end of each chapter help you delve deep and discover your own expectations.
*Thank you to the author for a copy of the book. All opinions are my own.
*Thank you to the author for a copy of the book. All opinions are my own.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews