Programados para amar: Un viaje por la neurociencia del romance, el duelo y la esencia de la conexión humana (Para estar bien)

by Stephanie Cacioppo

UN VIAJE REVOLUCIONARIO POR LA CIENCIA DEL AMOR. ÉSTE ES UN LIBRO SOBRE EL AMOR. Y ES, TAMBIÉN, UNA HISTORIA DE AMOR.
Una experta en neurociencia nos explica por qué los seres humanos estamos hechos para amarnos mutuamente; y cómo el conocimiento de lo que pasa en nuestros cerebros puede ser clave para hallar lo mejor de nuestra vida en pareja.
"Una meditación sobre el amor que es profunda en todos los en su riqueza científica, en la iluminación sobre el comportamiento humano y en lo más conmovedor de su historia." Steven Pinker, autor de Cómo funciona la mente y En defensa de la Ilustración "Cacioppo combina el testimonio personal con la divulgación científica en un libro iluminador sobre el poder del amor para elevar nuestras vidas. Un texto para fascinar y conmover a los lectores." Publishers Weekly

Genres: Nonfiction, Science, Psychology, Memoir, Neuroscience, Relationships, Love

250 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 5, 2022

Reviews

[Irene · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book a lot more than I did. I am very aware that the topic of her specialty and the rampant misogyny in the neurology field has already put her in the "not to be taken seriously" box, so I am reluctant to add to it, but the neurobiology sections felt extremely surface level and Cacioppo's memoir was written in a way that made her seem like a real-life Hallmark movie protagonist. I'm not saying she made anything up, just that she falls squarely into several overused romance tropes, which is a little unfortunate when you're a real person. The inclusion of the time in which she allegedly had a subconscious premonition about her grandmother's death when she was little was a bridge too far for me.

A couple of really baffling musings about the anthropological origins of romantic love as coming before friendship also made me wonder what the hell was going on, and I found the entire book to be biased towards a concept of romantic love as a passionate, all-consuming, committed relationship between two people, which is, by any measure, an entirely recent development and not, by any stretch of the imagination, the norm. It also revolved almost exclusively around heterosexual relationships. Romantic love in other animals also goes entirely unexamined.

The aromantic spectrum was completely discounted and conflated with the asexual spectrum, even though they’re different things, but Cacioppo hasn’t made room in this book for people who do experience sexual attraction but experience little to no romantic attraction, which is something that happens. She also conflated asexual romantic relationships with platonic ones, and that is also very much not the same thing. People on the asexual spectrum may or may not experience romantic attraction, but the lack of sexual attraction does not mean that 1) they don’t have sex with their partners 2) their relationships are platonic. I don’t know about you but I can think of several activities that don’t involve sex that I would do with a romantic partner and wouldn’t do with a friend.

[Kate The Book Addict · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! You may WRONGLY—think this is going to be another boring scientific book by a brilliant neuroscientist but it is magnificent in it’s true stories of relationships we can all identify with, with truly fascinating science facts you learn so many of but never feel overburdened by, and a true and heartwarming love story of the author that spares no heartbreaking details. No matter where you are in life, her G.R.A.C.E. (Gratitude, Reciprocity, Altruism, Choice, Enjoyment) is my new daily Life Plan. She’s “ Dr Love” and her husband is “Dr Loneliness” and their scientific minds collide in love and beauty to bring this book. There’s so many amazing quotes, but I’ll end with this:
“There is beauty in the struggle.” Ow get out there in GRACE. 💕

[Clif Hostetler · Rating 3 out of 5]

A unique mix of neurology and memoir, this book describes brain activity caused by falling in love, and then the author goes on to recount her own personal experience of falling in love. Readers who enjoy a true love story will find it here, and unwittingly learn a bit of science while immeshed in the love story.

I enjoyed learning how disparate parts of the brain become active in response to love.

“By looking deep into the brains of people in love, we discover that this complex neurobiological phenomenon activates not just the brain’s mammalian pleasure centers but also our cognitive system, the most evolved, intellectual parts of the brain that we use to acquire knowledge and make sense of the world around us.”

The author is a credentialed social neuroscientist who has researched the human brain’s reactions to falling in love, and she also has experienced falling in love and getting married at midlife at age thirty-seven. After seven years of marriage her husband died, consequently the experience of grief is explored near the end of the book. Ironically, her husband was an internationally renowned scholar author of multiple books about grief and loneliness. Their friends referred to their match as the marriage of love and grief.

The following excerpt is part of the author's summary near the end of the book.

... love is much more expansive concept than we give it credit for. We must begin to view this phenomenon not as an isolated and ineffable emotion but as a cognitive and biological necessity, one that is measurable but ever changing, one that has the power to make us not only better partners but also better people.

I began this book alone and I'm ending it ... alone. Yet by coming full circle I believe that I found the key to lasting love both as a neuroscientist studying it in a laboratory and as a human being experiencing it in life. The key is to have an open mind. That is far, far, easier said than done, but the process of opening the mind begins by understanding how it works. That is exactly what you and I have tried to do in this book.

[Makmild · Rating 4 out of 5]

จดหมายรักฉบับนักวิทย์

มีความรักแล้วดีอย่างไร (ในแบบวิทยาศาสตร์) เล่มนี้มีคำตอบ

ตอนแรกคาดหวังไว้ว่าจะได้เจอวิชาการแบบเบิ้มๆ จัดไปเลยพี่ ไม่ ยูเข้าใจผิดแล้ว เล่มนี้อ่านง่ายมาก ไม่ต้องกังวล นักเขียนเล่าเรื่องราวความรักของตัวเอง (กูถามจริง ยังกะนิยายรัก) ไปควบคู่กับวิทยาศาสตร์และงานวิจัย ดอกเตอร์ความรักกับดอกเตอร์ความเหงามาเจอกัน ขอโทษนะแก เราจำเรื่องวิทยาศาสตร์อะไรในเล่มนี้ไม่ได้เลย จะสมองส่วนซีบัม หรืออะไรก็ตาม เราจำได้แต่ว่าดอกเตอร์สองคนนี้เจอกันได้ไง บอกรักกันที่ไหน แต่งงานกันยังไง คือ เออ มันมีสาระนะ แบบรู้แล้วว่ามีความรักดีจริงๆ ประโยชน์ของมันคืออะไร ส่งผลกับสมองแบบไหน แต่เรื่องความรักในเล่มมันเด่นกว่างะ

สรุปอ่าน nonfiction อย่างไรให้เป็น fiction มาจ้ะ เล่มนี้เลย

[Patricia · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I was in graduate school, I often resented having to buy expensive textbooks, often written by the professor teaching the class, which I considered a great essay with added padding to make it a book.

This book was a great essay. Why we love where we love and how we are motivated to love by factors we can barely understand, IF we are even aware of them, is fascinating. The brain chemistry and neuro-connections are still uncharted territory, and in making some of these studies readable and understandable the author has done a service.

A goodly portion of the book uses the author's private life and experiences as material for this book, detailing how they met, fell in love, married, and then suffered a terrible ending, full of grief and loneliness. It was illustrative, but, for me, overwrought.

[J. (Better Off Read) · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF at 25%. By the third chapter it was pretty clear this book is only interested in romantic love and only from the cis-gender, heteronormative perspective. The author asserts that everyone needs romantic love to feel happy and whole in life, so aromantic and asexual people apparently don't exist. (Or if they do, they must all be unfulfilled in their lives, I guess?) The writing is pretty basic overall. Maybe there are some useful nuggets of wisdom that could be applied to romantic relationships that I hadn't gotten to yet, but it just wasn't holding my attention and seemed pretty one-note. Life's too short to read books I'm not liking. On to something else!

[Danielle · Rating 2 out of 5]

As someone who will shamelessly consume (almost) any content related to understanding love, I have to admit I was disappointed in this book. In particular, I found myself frustrated by the narrow approach Cacioppo takes towards love in a book that advertises itself as touching upon "the essence of human connection." Despite being a well-written and extremely readable memoir that weaves together topics of love, loneliness, and grief with various psychological theories/concepts, Wired for Love ultimately feels like unbalanced case for the "necessity" of romantic love to reach human fulfillment that is lacking in inclusivity & nuance regarding the complex reality of finding and maintaining romantic connections.

There are some ideas Cacioppo raises in this book that I do agree with, primarily the transformative power of love on an individual. Even with my limited experience with romantic love, it was easy for me to recognize the profound impact loving someone else had on myself (revealing parts of myself I never before recognized), my priorities, and my world-view. I completely agree that it is through others that we learn to understand ourselves, and I would go as far as to say that Cacioppo is right that we need to build and maintain social connections to unlock our human potential. However, I absolutely disagree that romantic love is the (only) key.

While Cacioppo clarifies early on that this is a book about romantic love, I personally feel that the only people who can disentangle the romantic from all other forms of love to advocate for its superiority are those who are yet to experience substantial connections within their nonromantic lives. Platonic love rarely makes an appearance in Wired for Love, but when it does I almost felt like it was being belittled and undermined as biologically inferior without any further investigation or counter research. I can't speak to the science behind the importance of platonic love, but I certainly can speak to the impact it has had on my life. Almost everything I've learned about love has come from strong female friendships that have long outlasted any of my romantic relationships. Not every friendship is transformative, but many are. I genuinely believe that the most important thing I've done for my own emotional wellbeing has been nurturing the platonic love in my life, as the compassion and support I've received from the women in my life has undoubtedly rewired how I view myself and my ability to move forward in a world that is often callous and chaotic. Furthermore, the author never touched upon the link between platonic love and self-esteem in a way I find detrimental to how (I personally believe) we should all approach entering romantic relationships. Strong social bonds are what have sustained me throughout my life, and have allowed me to find meaning and comfort during times of romantic turmoil. I have learned to never settle in my romantic life because of my experience being loved fully through friendship. There is great power in knowing you don't "need" a romantic partner because you have other means to experience emotional fulfillment.

Beyond these core relationships, I've found that little interactions between myself and others (even strangers) can have the potential to alter my self-image and greater outlook on the world. Cacioppo discusses navigating her grief following the death of her husband, and the loneliness she felt even when she was surrounded by people who cared for her. She says that "in a way" she has come to love those people who provided her with support and goes on to describe how rekindling a friendship allowed her pull herself out of the lowest point of her life. Yet, there was no real discussion or identification of these relationships as being based in love. Is there nothing more transformative than moving towards recovery after loss? I wondered if maybe Cacioppo's narrow focus on romantic love in her work directly reflects how she ranks various forms of love within her own life, and maybe keeps her from recognizing these interactions as meaningful connections. I don't intend this point to be a critique of how she was able to process her loss and move forward. But I do take issue with the narrative that love is only worthwhile with it is between two committed romantic partners, and that little gestures or acts between friends, family members, or strangers cannot be valid or fulfilling forms of love (even if they are fleeting).

Overall, certain concepts Cacioppo raises, such as the importance of socialization in human development, could have been elaborated on further and a broader discussion of human connection may have made her points about the uniqueness of romantic love more compelling. All that said, I do believe this book expertly combines the personal with the scientific to produce a meaningful look into Cacioppo's personal experiences with love and loss that is worth the read for anyone who wants to think deeper about how we engage with love in our own lives.

[Rae · Rating 3 out of 5]

Cacioppo writes a heartfelt and touching memoir on finding her soulmate and losing him to cancer. She shares both her joy and her pain, weaving neuroscience into the narrative along the way.

Given that her core message is how essential to an individual's wellbeing romantic love is, as a long-term singleton I found it lacking in scope. Only successful, healthy, requited, romantic love is fully considered.

If you want to read my more detailed reflections, I've added them below.

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Wired for Love wasn't the indepth analysis of love in all its manifestations and configurations that I was expecting. I picked it up hoping to demystify attachment, infatuation, and the science behind romance. With greater understanding, I hoped to gain insight into my own feelings and possibly assert some control.

Instead, what I read was a beautiful memoir. Dr Cacioppo tells the story of how she fell in love with her soulmate, entwined her life with his, then devastatingly lost him to a rare cancer.

It is impossible not to feel both her joy and her heartbreak. The deep love and connection she felt with her partner is what all of us romantics hope for (and few of us actually find.) This is a love story, and through the author's passion for her field, we explore some of the neuroscience along the way.

It soon became apparent that this book wasn't written with people like me in mind. That's completely OK, but if you're single and foresee yourself staying that way, I would advise you not to read it unless you're able to detach.

"My scientific research on the brain has convinced me that a healthy love life is as necessary to a person's well-being as nutritious food, exercise or clean water."

Where does that leave aromantic persons? What about people who can't find a partner? Or people who would like to date, but can't due to mental health issues? Are they all doomed?

As if it's not hard enough for these people to find validation in a world that puts a particular kind of romantic love at the centre of everything.

Romantic love is not to be underestimated, but it is still possible to live a meaningful life and be a valuable person without it.

There was almost no discussion of what we actually mean by "romantic love" and how it distinguishes from other kinds of love (either socially or biochemically). There was only a surface-level exploration of the distinction between love and lust, and pretty much no mention of unrequited love, which is a prevalent and painful experience.

Romantic love is one of the most absorbing, brain-chemistry-hijacking, all-encompassing, frightening, and emotionally derailing experiences. We tell stories about it, make movies about it, we are fascinated by it, and during those early stages of infatuation we can focus on little else. But surely there are ways it can be hacked when it isn't healthy?

What about people in abusive relationships whose romantic affections are deployed in a harmful direction? There are lots of situations where perpetuation of these affections is undesirable. Wired for Love doesn't seem to acknowledge any of the darker consequences of attachment. Or the ways in which romantic love can be more trouble than it's worth.

This is because Cacioppo sets out to persuade on the importance of romantic love. She does this well. As an illustration of how romantic love can bring someone to life, enrich them, expand their horizons, and lead them into a more fulfilling state of being than they could have possibly imagined before, this is a successful book that celebrates romantic love.

As a narrative with scientific asides, the book works well. As a book discussing the science behind love, I felt it lacked scope (but not depth).

This is a passionate defence of romantic love, and a moving, deeply personal memoir. My three star rating reflects how alienating I found the attitude that only romantic love truly matters, and how limited and reductive I found the discussion.

[Mircea Petcu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Foarte emoționantă povestea de dragoste a soților Cacioppo. Acum doi ani am citit "Singurătate", cartea lui John Cacioppo, despre cum singurătatea cronică este la fel de nocivă ca fumatul.

Dragostea romantică activează aceleași regiuni din creier (insula, striatul etc.) ca dragostea platonică sau maternă, diferă doar intensitatea și tiparul de activare. În plus, dragostea romantică activează girusul angular, o structură de ordin superior cunoscută pentru implicarea în gândirea conceptuală și în reprezentările abstracte ale sinelui. "Poate că dragostea nu este întru totul un sentiment, ci un mod de a gândi?" se întreabă autoarea.

Neurotransmițătorii implicați în dragostea romantică sunt: dopamina (plăcere), noradrenalina (îngustarea atenției), serotonina (răspunzătoare pentru simptomele asemănătoare tulburării obsesiv-compulsive) și oxitocina (atașament).

Recomand

[Dan Connors · Rating 4 out of 5]

Is the human brain wired to be self-sufficient, or is it an imperfect organ ultimately dependent on connecting with other brains, deeply, to function at its best? Can science really tell us when we're in love? And do scientists look at their own personal lives to work out complex psychological problems?

These are some of the questions looked at by "Dr Love" Stephanie Cacioppo in her new book on love and the brain. She is a professor of psychiatry and behavioral neuroscience at the University of Chicago, has written many research papers on the topic, but this is her first book.

One would think that love, like religion and humor, is something that scientists shy away from studying. It's hard to define, loaded with messy emotional meanings, and impossible to test for. But our progress in understanding the workings of the brain make it easier to see what areas are involved in just about anything that we experience, and love is no exception.

Using high tech devices like functional MRI (fMRI) machines, researchers like Dr. Cacioppo can see exactly what areas of the brain light up when exposed to stimuli of people or things that the subject is already in love with. She came up with what was playfully called a "love machine" that measured changes in the body when exposed to different photographs. Subjects could test their own levels of love-sickness by sitting in the machine and seeing what prompts the strongest responses.

Stimuli of love light up twelve different areas of the human brain, some very primitive and some surprisingly high-level. These responses lead to measurably improved brain functioning on a variety of tasks. So maybe we are wired for love. Physical desire is certainly a part of that response, but there is something larger that complements pure lust and helps the brain to function at its best.

Humans are built for connection. By finding friends and lovers, we expand ourselves and our abilities through close relationships. Choosing a partner is sometimes an exercise in realizing our own shortcomings and looking for someone who is different from us but complementary- making us more whole than we were before. Deep connections make us physically, emotionally, and cognitively stronger. We sleep better, have better health, and fewer addictions.

The author gives us a anagram called GRACE that could help expand our ability to love.
G= Gratitude. "Every day, try writing down five things that you truly appreciate. Studies show that such simple exercises can significantly improve subjective well-being and reduce feelings of loneliness."
R= Reciprocity. "Being shown respect, being depended upon, being made to understand your own importance—all these things can give a lonely person a sense of worth and belonging that decreases feelings of isolation."
A= Altruism. "Volunteer—at the library, the running club, the Red Cross, you name it. Be part of something bigger than yourself. Helping others, sharing your knowledge, feeling a sense of mission—all this will give you a feeling of self-expansion that is similar to what people experience when they’re in a loving relationship…"
C=Choice. "You can decide right now—yes, right now—if you want to feel lonely or happy. When we look at psychological interventions for lonely people, changing their attitudes and outlook has more effect on their loneliness ratings than increasing opportunities for social contact."
E=Enjoyment. "Science shows that enjoyment is a predictor of well-being and life satisfaction. Luckily, positive events tend to occur more often than negative ones. Yet not everyone makes a point of enjoying them, a process psychologists call capitalization. Sharing good news and good times with others helps increase positive emotions and reduce loneliness."


Interspersed with all of this scientific study, Cacioppo tells the moving story of her marriage to her late husband John. Devoted to her work, the author stayed single well into her 30's and then fell for John Cacioppo, aka "Dr. Loneliness", who was also a researcher and author of books and scientific studies on the needs for human connection. Though he was over 20 years her senior, Stephanie writes glowingly about their relationship and how much it taught her about the very field she was studying. The marriage was brief, however, as he died from cancer after just 7 years of marriage. The author opens up her personal life and goes through a lot of the grief that she experienced after losing him, and it puts a decidedly personal spin on the scientific jargon about risking pain and becoming vulnerable.

Wired for Love is a short book, but it lets us into the world of a person who has studied the phenomenon of love most of her life. I close with an interview she did with Shondaland.com about why her research about love is so important.

"I think both poetry and neuroscience are necessary to understand the full meaning of love. I’m biased in this response because I’m a poet at heart. I think they can both give us a different sense of the beauty of this invisible bond that binds all of us together and that also binds two human beings together just by choice alone. If I can have only one key message for today, it would be from Maya Angelou, who encourages people, through her beautiful writing, to have enough courage to trust love one more time, always one more time. That’s something that I live and breathe every day. Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time."

[Victoria · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was extremely disappointed that the author barely talked about the science of platonic relationships and the benefits those have on us. This book skewed violently towards the belief that romantic love is
the best social connection a person can strive for, which I strongly disagree with. I have a hard time believing that, scientifically, meaningful friendships can’t provide the same amount of benefits (if not more) that a singular romantic relationship can provide. We need to stop subscribing to the harmful societal concept that friendships should be secondary to a romantic partnership. Friends are essential.

[กำพล สนธิเณร · Rating 3 out of 5]

เป็นหนังสือที่เล่าเรื่องความรักของผู้เขียน มากกว่าเป็นงานวิชาการ

จากคน บ้าเรียน บ้างาน และตั้งใจจะครองชีวิตโสด แต่สุดท้ายก็ได้พบกับความรัก และความสูญเสีย ซึ่งความรู้ความเข้าใจในอาชีพนักประสาทวิทยาศาสตร์ของผู้เขียนไม่ได้ช่วยให้จัดการกับความรู้สึกเมื่อต้องเผชิญกับสูญเสียเลยแม้แต่น้อย แต่ในอีกทางหนึ่งก็ต้องยอมรับว่าเขียนออกมาด้วยความซื่อตรงและจริงใจ แบบเปิดเปลือยความรู้สึก เหมือนกับว่าผู้เขียนใช้การเขียนหนังสือเล่มนี้เป็นการบำบัดตัวเอง

เรื่องบังเอิญคือเล่มนี้ไปโยงกับหนังสือที่เป็นวิชาการที่มีงานวิจัยมากมายอัดแน่นอยู่ในเล่ม "วิทยาศาสตร์แห่งความเหงา" เพราะผู้เขียนคือภรรยาของนักเขียนเล่มนั้น

[Nima Morgan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This will pull on your heart strings for sure.

[areadsara · Rating 3 out of 5]

หนังสือเล่มนี้จะพาเราไปทำความรู้จัก ‘ความรัก’ ในมุมมองของวิทยาศาสตร์ เริ่มตั้งแต่ความจำเป็นของความรัก ความเสี่ยงของความเหงา เหตุผลของการหมดรัก ไปจนถึงการดูแลใจเมื่อรักจากไป

ความสนุกของหนังสือเล่มนี้คือมันเป็นการเล่าชีวิตรักของนักเขียนแล้วโยงกับประสาทวิทยา เลยเหมือนการอ่านนิยาย มีจังหวะนึงเรากำลังน้ำตาไหลกับการจากไปของสามีนักเขียน แต่อยู่ ๆ ก็โดนกระชากอารมณ์ให้ไปนั่งฟังการบรรยายเกี่ยวกับการทำงานของสมองในสภาวะหัวใจสลาย คุณแม๊!!

หนังสือเรื่องนี้ได้สะท้อนให้เราเห็นว่าบางความรู้สึกที่เกิดขึ้นในความสัมพันธ์นั้นอาจเกิดขึ้นจากการทำงานอย่างสอดคล้องกันของสมองก็เป็นได้

[Taylor Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Once in a while, of course, a contemporary nonfiction. Alumnus of the university concerned, I pick this one up, it helps, surely, that I have never not been hopelessly romantic, that if I am not at all times in love, presently I am, there is not the finest shred of doubt in that matter. Whether the fondness, the attraction, the affection is or will be reciprocated remains to be seen, if life is not as some playwright claimed, for some as-of-yet situation, a waiting room, for me, for now, it is.

A pleasant surprise, this book! Inspiring. Not, perhaps, gripping, but compelling, informative, delightful. I learned things! I related. Part memoir, part popular science as the book is.

[cara · Rating 5 out of 5]

love makes u smarter!!

[Evie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fascinating book that's incredibly well written and makes even complex science easy to understand. The perfect mix of a deeply personal story and facts that can applied to everyone.

[Natalie Park · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to Net Galley and Flatiron for the ARC in exchange for my honest review. This was a very interesting read and part memoir as she intertwines her experiences as a researcher and of love. She does a wonderful job of explaining the science of love and also loneliness (her future husband's area of expertise) and how we know more about our relationships than we realize (our brains know our preferences but for some reason we don't "know" it). She also gives specific examples why having love in our life is necessary for life (romantic or otherwise) and also how detrimental loneliness can be on our wellbeing (many experienced this first-hand during the pandemic). I highly recommend this if you're interested in the topic.

[Madalina Dan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really loved this book. The writing style is so personal and well-put together. The author talks about love and neuroscience in such a simple way that it can be understood by the general public. What I really loved is that she used her personal story to explain her scientific contributions in the field of neuroscience. The story about her love and loss has really moved me and inspired me to appreciate my relationships more. Also, her words of gratitude were heartfelt. She is so loving and honest. I highly recommend this book for both a scientific and personal touch on love.

[Ai Robbins · Rating 5 out of 5]

No because this is a must read. I think especially for people in our generation that overwhelmingly feel a sense of isolation and longing because of the world we grew up in: digital age, higher divorce rates, pandemic, etc. You feel solace in knowing that were wired to feel and think certain things for survival. Gives hard facts of the chemical mystery that happens in our heads giving you a why. But its also the writer’s anecdote in her journey to love, loss, and yearning for connection. Funny enough, makes you feel less alone hearing others go through similar journeys. Ironically, I picked up this book right as I thought I found a potential love and finished this book as I experienced unrequited love. Coincidence? Or the universes’ reminder to me about what it means and feels to be alive? Maybe the timing of when I read this book made it even more of an enjoyable read because I was experiencing it by the pages and the days. Regardless, it makes you appreciate the journey of the highs and lows in life. Its what makes us human

[Megha · Rating 3 out of 5]

Extremely readable. It had some things I liked, some I didn't agree with, and a lot of new information that I was previously unaware of—but that's not really important considering this is a personal story. I'm an eternal romantic, so I definitely got carried away with a lot of what the author was feeling, and I was rooting for her. Having said that, I would also like to read something that explores love beyond the conventional romantic sense, and more into social relationships—so that's on me to look for something similar.

[Yanick Stevens · Rating 5 out of 5]

Niet verwacht dat ik er zo snel doorheen zou gaan. De combinatie tussen wetenschappelijke inzichten en een liefdesverhaal is heerlijk in elkaar verweven. Je leeft mee en tegelijkertijd wordt er uitgelegd hoe te herkennen of toe te passen op het gebied van hersenen en liefde (lees: verbinding tussen mensen). Het gaat over (romantische) liefde, maar nog meer is mij bij gebleven dat mensen sociale en veerkrachtige wezens zijn die gemaakt zijn voor verbinding en liefde.

[Alexandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

I almost gave up on this book around page 50 or so. The combination of personal facts and science was simply not working for me. But then I got to the Love Machine and it was so funny that I warmed up to the author and followed her narrative with more interest. When she got to her love story with its sad ending, it read really like a novel...
Yes, I learned some new things about love and loneliness, but this is not a popular science book, not really. It's a heartbreaking story and it probably was a coping mechanism - to let this all out and into the world.
I wish the author all the best and I hope that if she found love once, it might be easier to find it again.

[𓆝 𓆟 belci 𓆞 𓆝 · Rating 4 out of 5]

⭐️ 4.5, such a good book and so full of love it’s overwhelming for such a small book, when Dr. Cacioppo talks about her work, about neurology, her clients and her late husband I just feel her passion. So many interesting things about the social brain and how powerful love is and needed for human beings to survive

[Claudette R · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have any interest in anthropology, evolutionary psychology or understanding the human condition, you will enjoy this book. It's also rare to find a non-fiction book that has such a engaging style.

[Silvia Cimpeanu · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Story of Stephanie, a neuroscrientist that studies love and its benefits. She is doctor Love and her husbnd is Dr Loneliness. The book is about their unique love story and about how love impacts us all in a really pozitive way. It's also about other dreamy love stories meant to inspire us.
A spurce of inspiration, a book full of motivation and a perfect read for all the romantics out there.

[Audrey Inglis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a wonderful book, and I really enjoyed reading this coming from a medical background! I learned a lot about the neuroscience/medical implications of love and loneliness and reflected on my own relationships alongside the touching story of the author's own relationship.

[Lori Puma · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had great potential. The author’s academic expertise on love and human relationships meant that I was looking forward to compelling scientific arguments that would change how I think about love. I was also looking forward to a memoiresque recounting of her personal love story. But sadly, neither aspect of the book lives up to the potential.

Structurally, this is not as strong as it could be. It’s loosely organized into the author’s chronological life story. But there are jumps in time and topic that just didn’t work for me. Plus, in a book about romantic love, I was annoyed that she doesn’t meet her husband until 25% in. Just moving that up to 10% would’ve made a huge difference in focus and then would’ve left room to expand on each stage in the romance. Both the relevant science and scenes from the relationship.

Within each chapter, I felt that the presentation of the science would’ve benefitted from some framing. There were a lot of small details that are appropriate for a scientific paper but are just overwhelming in a popular science book.

I also thought that at least one of her summary statements about what’s true wasn’t supported by the presented. Or at least she didn’t offer enough data to support her statement.

She said that ‘romantic love is a biological necessity’ in a way that love for a job or hobby isn’t. But she cites a study early in the book that looks at how passions also change the brain. And later she cites her personal experience as a reason she believes romantic love is a biological necessity. I think that there are also some other studies that show the difference between passion, friendship, and romantic love, but claiming that something is a biological imperative is a BIG claim. A personal belief and a couple of differences just don’t seem like a high enough bar to call something a necessity.

While the science often felt too detailed, the personal anecdotes had the opposite problem. They summarized when they would’ve been stronger as in-the-moment scenes. I think she tried to show how the scenes related to the science, but it just didn’t work.

I think this would’ve been a really difficult book to write. Writing popular science is hard. As an subject matter expert, it’s challenging to know what details are going to be interesting to readers. Writing memoir is hard. It’s hard to know what’s going to make your personal experience feel relevant to a reader. And it’s emotionally exhausting to relive difficult times. It’s not surprising that this book fell flat when the author was trying to succeed in two different ways. I wish she would’ve chosen to do one or the other.

[michelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

leading neuroscientist on love falls for leading neuroscientist on loneliness meet-cute <3 short, easy to read, and a real treat if you're a romantic like me.

[P K · Rating 3 out of 5]

We read this for a neuroscience book club I co-run, DM me if you want our book report :)

This book is part popular science part memoir of the author's own experience with (and early loss of) romantic love. The end of it thus is also an exploration of grief. The personal story was quite sad, and I won't summarize that here, but I think many readers will find it engaging.

Early in her career, the author finds that tailoring exercises around a stroke patient's passion (art) aided her recovery much more than the standard set of exercises. Based on this, she wondered if love might be the key not only to helping an injured brain recover but also to helping a healthy brain thrive.

In her research, she found that people performed significantly better on a lexical task after being primed with the name of the person they romantically loved vs being primed with a friend they had known for the same length of time. Amusingly, undergrads often came to her office often to ask to use the “Love Machine” to see which of two potential suitors they really loved. This effect may be the result of the name’s positive associations, which activated the brain’s “reward” system through not only the regions that process blissful feelings but also other connected areas, like those that help us parse written language. Ok but also, this cognitive boost was also found when participants were primed with a beloved sport or hobby, but again, not with "just friends." In our book club, this became a standing joke during the meeting. Specifically, one major problem with the book is Cacioppo's reliance on preexisting cultural norms to define types of relationships, rather than a more of a factor analysis approach in which you let the data cluster in categories naturally. Thus, we joked that what she discovered was a cluster we called LOVESPORT, which differs from FREINDSHIP.

Cacioppo also argues that that passionate love and lust might rely on a single interdependent and unified brain network. Passionate love and lust, while often seen as opposing or rival forces, may actually work together. She found that love and desire were activating complementary parts of the same brain regions, reinforcing the idea that they are not necessarily opposing forces but have the potential to grow out of the other. She interpreted this as love being essentially the abstract representation of the rewarding, visceral sensations that characterize desire. This is based on brain imaging data that found that desire activated the posterior insula and love feelings activated the anterior insula. The insula is a region of the brain that, among other functions, helps us to assign value to bodily experiences. Again, based on the brain imaging data, I think the author's conclusions don't necessarily follow. For example, I wouldn't say that long term memory has the potential to grow out of spatial navigation or vice versa because they are facilitated by "complementary parts of the same brain region" in this case the hippocampus. I also wouldn't say that long term memory and spatial navigation are both needed to "fire up the hippocampus fully" and thus SHOULD IDEALLY exist together as Cacioppo claims about the insula regarding love and desire because there's no reason for me to believe that the whole hippocampus being active simultaneously is a good or bad thing in any way.

Anyway, overall, a sad and vulnerable story is told, I wish the author all the best. Some interesting insights are imparted, like keep trying to get to know your partner, practice gratitude, loneliness is dangerous, love improves your life. However, lots of stuff was totally missing. As someone who experiences deep deep love and fulfillment in my friendships in addition to my romantic life, it's not clear to me if the friendship data was separate and not as beneficial because people tend to not invest in them as much, or if this is special to romance in some way. Cacioppo seems content to leave the social construct of exulted extra speecciaaal romance unexamined. A much more interesting approach to me would have been to administer survey data to participants engaged in meaningful interpersonal relationships that asked them about important aspects of the relationship (e.g. how often do you think of the person, how much do you feel that you can tell them anything, etc. etc.) and seeing which qualities in relationships predicted the cognitive boosts. Additionally, a lot of the brain data was interpreted in a pretty ad-hoc and story-telling way, reverse inferences run rampant.

Overall, quick read, sad story, thought provoking, but left me hungry for a more data-based approach.