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Daughters: How to Untangle Yourself from Your Mother
This is a self-coaching book for women in difficult relationships with their mothers, who want to understand how these patterns of relating came into being and how to change them. The book explores the factors that influence such relationships from conception onwards, and what holds them in place now we are adults. It includes the challenges of being raised by negative, narcissistic, distant, smothering and dependent mothers, and looks at how they may have become like this. Mothers are daughters too. The book doesn't blame mothers or daughters, but takes a compassionate and non-judgemental approach to the topic. At the heart of such relationships is emotional trauma, and the book addresses this in a way that will promote insight and well-being. There are self-help exercises throughout the book to take readers on their own learning and change.
The book invites readers into a conversation about some difficult topics, including maternal ambivalence and the emotional pain of not feeling loved, seen, protected or valued by the mother. Sadly, the family environment for some children is not a loving one, nor is it one where the family is struggling with many challenges which affect how the mother can relate to her daughter. Not all daughters stay with their birth mothers, some are raised by adoptive or foster mothers, or other family members. They may have relationships with both birth and adoptive mothers, either or both of which may be difficult for the daughter.
In focusing on daughters and mothers, the book also recognises the importance of fathers, mothers' partners, and close family to how we develop. The author acknowledges that sons and mothers, daughters and fathers, sons and fathers can also be difficult and challenging relationships, however, the focus of this book is daughters and mothers.
The book invites readers into a conversation about some difficult topics, including maternal ambivalence and the emotional pain of not feeling loved, seen, protected or valued by the mother. Sadly, the family environment for some children is not a loving one, nor is it one where the family is struggling with many challenges which affect how the mother can relate to her daughter. Not all daughters stay with their birth mothers, some are raised by adoptive or foster mothers, or other family members. They may have relationships with both birth and adoptive mothers, either or both of which may be difficult for the daughter.
In focusing on daughters and mothers, the book also recognises the importance of fathers, mothers' partners, and close family to how we develop. The author acknowledges that sons and mothers, daughters and fathers, sons and fathers can also be difficult and challenging relationships, however, the focus of this book is daughters and mothers.
282 pages, Kindle Edition
Published April 3, 2023
2 people are currently reading
16 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
May 20, 2023
Thank you NetGalley and Literally PR Limited for this ebook in exchange for an honest review.
This book was pretty in-depth and informative. It was written clearly and concisely. It could have been organized better, and it did get very repetitive throughout. I didn't find the exercises included after each chapter or the advice given to "change" your relationship with your mother to be helpful for me personally, but others may. While the book was somewhat constructive in healing as an adult, it did get victim-blamey at times, as well as non-inclusive to any family system that isn't a straight, cis couple and their children. Regardless, it did have some good information and talking points, but it was just an okay book on this subject.
This book was pretty in-depth and informative. It was written clearly and concisely. It could have been organized better, and it did get very repetitive throughout. I didn't find the exercises included after each chapter or the advice given to "change" your relationship with your mother to be helpful for me personally, but others may. While the book was somewhat constructive in healing as an adult, it did get victim-blamey at times, as well as non-inclusive to any family system that isn't a straight, cis couple and their children. Regardless, it did have some good information and talking points, but it was just an okay book on this subject.
May 10, 2023
Wow! Where do I even start with this one! First thing I want to say is that this book is very well put together and that you are guaranteed to learn something whilst reading through this book or even if you are just dipping into different sections.
The different sections include childhood - where it all starts. Family dynamics and how they affect us. Separation, illness and grief. How we develop ideas about ourselves - I found this section particularly insightful and interesting. Along with many more!
If you are going through or ever have gone through a challenging relationship with your mother, then this book will definitely be of benefit to you, and could become a great tool of insight, understanding and encouragement! I do feel that all daughters out there should take a look at this book, the author is very knowledgeable and passionate about what she has written here, the emotional and heartfelt message comes through on every page!
I liked the way the author incorporated her own personal situations and experiences into the book and how she chose not to sugarcoat things! This is raw, real and beautiful in its own way.
This was a massive 5 stars for me! I loved it! Hats off to the author for having the courage to put something like this out there! So much research, work and emotion has gone into this!
5 stars
The different sections include childhood - where it all starts. Family dynamics and how they affect us. Separation, illness and grief. How we develop ideas about ourselves - I found this section particularly insightful and interesting. Along with many more!
If you are going through or ever have gone through a challenging relationship with your mother, then this book will definitely be of benefit to you, and could become a great tool of insight, understanding and encouragement! I do feel that all daughters out there should take a look at this book, the author is very knowledgeable and passionate about what she has written here, the emotional and heartfelt message comes through on every page!
I liked the way the author incorporated her own personal situations and experiences into the book and how she chose not to sugarcoat things! This is raw, real and beautiful in its own way.
This was a massive 5 stars for me! I loved it! Hats off to the author for having the courage to put something like this out there! So much research, work and emotion has gone into this!
5 stars
June 11, 2023
This book helps daughters really look at oneself as well as our mother and the patterns and ways that we have become entangled in all manners of ways in a way that is not blaming but self reflective. You can't change your mother. She can't change you. Only you can change your own behaviors and patterns and Julia Vaughan Smith takes you on a journey to do just that, slowly and thoughtfully. At the end of each of the twenty three chapters there are self help exercises that get you thinking and journaling about your role in this relationship and ways of helping you grow in a healthier and freer person and less reactive and triggered by whatever and however your relationship is with your own mom. I know this book focuses on mothers and daughters specifically, which is much needed, and I hope that in the future she branches out with focusing as much attention on other family members. Very informative and thought out. Even learning about body therapy was new to me and something I will have to dive deeper to look at, but all in all a great resource and I highly suggest you grab a journal to really explore your thoughts as you read this.
*I received a copy of this book from NetGalley. This review is my own opinion*
*I received a copy of this book from NetGalley. This review is my own opinion*
June 11, 2023
This book helps daughters really look at oneself as well as our mother and the patterns and ways that we have become entangled in all manners of ways in a way that is not blaming but self reflective. You can't change your mother. She can't change you. Only you can change your own behaviors and patterns and Julia Vaughan Smith takes you on a journey to do just that, slowly and thoughtfully. At the end of each of the twenty three chapters there are self help exercises that get you thinking and journaling about your role in this relationship and ways of helping you grow in a healthier and freer person and less reactive and triggered by whatever and however your relationship is with your own mom. I know this book focuses on mothers and daughters specifically, which is much needed, and I hope that in the future she branches out with focusing as much attention on other family members. Very informative and thought out. Even learning about body therapy was new to me and something I will have to dive deeper to look at, but all in all a great resource and I highly suggest you grab a journal to really explore your thoughts as you read this.
*I received a copy of this book from NetGalley. This review is my own opinion*
*I received a copy of this book from NetGalley. This review is my own opinion*
June 6, 2023
This is a very interesting book which, as you can imagine, deals with some very complicated themes. I read the book in 2 sittings on consecutive days. This wasn’t a challenge but on reflection, I wouldn’t say it was the right approach as I feel I would have been better spent taking some time to digest the material.
The tone of this book is really helpful. For a book about difficult relationships between mothers and daughters, the wording does feel nurturing like it’s trying to be our mother. There are also interesting exercises which I’d like to go back & do. While the author does share her own experiences, these are scattered through the text & don’t feel forced. If this is an area you would like to work on I would recommend it.
Thank you to NetGalley, the author & the publishers for allowing me to review this ARC.
The tone of this book is really helpful. For a book about difficult relationships between mothers and daughters, the wording does feel nurturing like it’s trying to be our mother. There are also interesting exercises which I’d like to go back & do. While the author does share her own experiences, these are scattered through the text & don’t feel forced. If this is an area you would like to work on I would recommend it.
Thank you to NetGalley, the author & the publishers for allowing me to review this ARC.
June 4, 2023
I was looking forward to reading this because I’ve got a slightly strained relationship with my own mother due to past issues.
What I found in this book was possibly the reasons why it was strained and ways to actively change my relationship which I will put into use going forward.
I also enjoyed the book because it gave me and insight into my relationship with my teenage daughter, as the teenage years are the hardest and are an absolute rollercoaster in my opinion.
I would recommend this to all my friends who want to understand family life a little better.
What I found in this book was possibly the reasons why it was strained and ways to actively change my relationship which I will put into use going forward.
I also enjoyed the book because it gave me and insight into my relationship with my teenage daughter, as the teenage years are the hardest and are an absolute rollercoaster in my opinion.
I would recommend this to all my friends who want to understand family life a little better.
June 1, 2023
As a daughter and a mother I read this book with caution ! Haha !
Couldn’t wait to start it and can honestly say I found it very good indeed. There’s a few self help sections, which could help you with your own way forward and for learning. A few bits for me to take on board. Helpful.
Many thanks to team LiterallyPR for my advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.
Couldn’t wait to start it and can honestly say I found it very good indeed. There’s a few self help sections, which could help you with your own way forward and for learning. A few bits for me to take on board. Helpful.
Many thanks to team LiterallyPR for my advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.
June 8, 2023
Thanks to Literally PR for the gifted proof of this title in return for an honest review and spot on the book tour.
I will start this review by saying I have a perfectly happy and healthy relationship with my mother - which is impressive seeing as I am 30 years old and still live at home with her. And yet, there was something about this book that interested me and I felt I had to read it. But that healthy relationship may mean this book isn't necessarily targeted at me, but I feel it's important to read none the less. Even more so considering my mother is the only parent I have left.
There does seem to be this divide - I don't think I noticed it before - particularly with the mother/daughter relationship, is you are either really close or very distant. It seems odd to come across anyone in between, which is interesting.
You can tell this is a topic that Julia feels strongly about, and this comes through in the research she's done to compile it, as well as her own personal experience.
The book is split into relatively short, clearly defined sections. This makes it easier if you want to dip in to a certain section or skip a section that may not be relevant to you. But it doesn't impact the reading experience if you wish to read it from front to back, like I did.
The sections include childhood, family dynamics, grief, adult mother/daughter relationships, the cycle of suffering, compassion, trauma, forgiveness, grandmother/mother/daughter etc.
It is intense, I won't lie. Julia hasn't cut any corners or sugar coated things. It's raw and honest and eye opening. At times, uncomfortable, but for all the right reasons.
It's potentially not the friendliest of books - and what I mean by that is whilst it's very interesting, it's probably not the book you'll choose to curl up in front of a fire with for a nice relaxed, cosy evening. It makes you work for it. And that is definitely a benefit. And whilst there's absolutely nothing wrong with reading a book just for entertainment purposes (that's how I spent 99% of my life), this gives you more than just that and you get a certain reward out of knowing you've learned something. And I think it's difficult to find the right balance between informative and entertaining, but overall I believe Julia has got it just right. It's not too heavy on the technical, she knows that most people reading it won't be professionals in the field of relationships, and so it has to be accessible to the lay person, but she hasn't dumbed it down either.
In my non-professional opinion I'd say, rather than it being a book on a household bookcase, it would be more suited to a psychologists office or in a senior school library, something like that. Although I must say it doesn't look out of place on my bookshelf.
There are some...I don't want to call it homework. At the end of each section she provides some questions to think about and asks you to look deeper into your childhood and your relationships.
I like that she's added little examples. Whether they're true anecdotes or fictional, it makes the 'sciency' bits easier to relate to.
I'm not aware of any other books currently having this conversation so it's a unique and interesting read in that regard.
If I'm being super critical, I'd say I'd like a bit more certainty. I know things are specific to each and every reader and you can't cover 100% of people, but there's a lot of "maybe this", "perhaps you", "some may feel" etc. and I feel it might have been more impactful if it had more definites, but it's not the end of the world. It doesn't affect the reading of the book, it's just my pickiness.
I will start this review by saying I have a perfectly happy and healthy relationship with my mother - which is impressive seeing as I am 30 years old and still live at home with her. And yet, there was something about this book that interested me and I felt I had to read it. But that healthy relationship may mean this book isn't necessarily targeted at me, but I feel it's important to read none the less. Even more so considering my mother is the only parent I have left.
There does seem to be this divide - I don't think I noticed it before - particularly with the mother/daughter relationship, is you are either really close or very distant. It seems odd to come across anyone in between, which is interesting.
You can tell this is a topic that Julia feels strongly about, and this comes through in the research she's done to compile it, as well as her own personal experience.
The book is split into relatively short, clearly defined sections. This makes it easier if you want to dip in to a certain section or skip a section that may not be relevant to you. But it doesn't impact the reading experience if you wish to read it from front to back, like I did.
The sections include childhood, family dynamics, grief, adult mother/daughter relationships, the cycle of suffering, compassion, trauma, forgiveness, grandmother/mother/daughter etc.
It is intense, I won't lie. Julia hasn't cut any corners or sugar coated things. It's raw and honest and eye opening. At times, uncomfortable, but for all the right reasons.
It's potentially not the friendliest of books - and what I mean by that is whilst it's very interesting, it's probably not the book you'll choose to curl up in front of a fire with for a nice relaxed, cosy evening. It makes you work for it. And that is definitely a benefit. And whilst there's absolutely nothing wrong with reading a book just for entertainment purposes (that's how I spent 99% of my life), this gives you more than just that and you get a certain reward out of knowing you've learned something. And I think it's difficult to find the right balance between informative and entertaining, but overall I believe Julia has got it just right. It's not too heavy on the technical, she knows that most people reading it won't be professionals in the field of relationships, and so it has to be accessible to the lay person, but she hasn't dumbed it down either.
In my non-professional opinion I'd say, rather than it being a book on a household bookcase, it would be more suited to a psychologists office or in a senior school library, something like that. Although I must say it doesn't look out of place on my bookshelf.
There are some...I don't want to call it homework. At the end of each section she provides some questions to think about and asks you to look deeper into your childhood and your relationships.
I like that she's added little examples. Whether they're true anecdotes or fictional, it makes the 'sciency' bits easier to relate to.
I'm not aware of any other books currently having this conversation so it's a unique and interesting read in that regard.
If I'm being super critical, I'd say I'd like a bit more certainty. I know things are specific to each and every reader and you can't cover 100% of people, but there's a lot of "maybe this", "perhaps you", "some may feel" etc. and I feel it might have been more impactful if it had more definites, but it's not the end of the world. It doesn't affect the reading of the book, it's just my pickiness.
September 4, 2023
I recently read a book written about the mother-daughter relationship (both as adults) from the perspective of the mother. As a mother to two daughters, and a daughter, I found this fascinating. I feel like it helped to set the scene for this book by Julia Vaughan Smith actually, not that you need any prep work, but it set a tone so to speak. Julia's book is so well written and reads like you're being coached, so it is easy to get into but of course the subject matter is far from 'simple'. There are so many emotions surrounding such a topic.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful relationship with my mother, we're still close and check in with each other daily, see each other every couple of weeks. But I read this in the context of friends I know who have a tricky relationship with their mothers, and also as a sort of 'prep work' for the future of me as a mother to two teenagers.
Julia is so clever to be able to explain not just what these patterns of behaviour ARE but how the began and most importantly how they can be changed. I am fascinated by the subject of narcissists, again having read books on the subject previously, and I found the sections on the challenges of being raised by narcissistic parents incredibly well written and explained. Incredibly there is no blame game here. It's a compassionate, thoughtful approach to a complex topic - that being emotional trauma. The self-help exercises help guide the reader through the process not just of reading but understanding.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful relationship with my mother, we're still close and check in with each other daily, see each other every couple of weeks. But I read this in the context of friends I know who have a tricky relationship with their mothers, and also as a sort of 'prep work' for the future of me as a mother to two teenagers.
Julia is so clever to be able to explain not just what these patterns of behaviour ARE but how the began and most importantly how they can be changed. I am fascinated by the subject of narcissists, again having read books on the subject previously, and I found the sections on the challenges of being raised by narcissistic parents incredibly well written and explained. Incredibly there is no blame game here. It's a compassionate, thoughtful approach to a complex topic - that being emotional trauma. The self-help exercises help guide the reader through the process not just of reading but understanding.
June 9, 2023
I didn't choose this book because I need to untangle from my own mother, I read it because I thought it would benefit my mental health training.
There is a slight repetition in the book, but other than that it is a very useful and informative book that I feel many would benefit from. It has exercises and useful tips throughout, is very concise and easy to understand.
There is a slight repetition in the book, but other than that it is a very useful and informative book that I feel many would benefit from. It has exercises and useful tips throughout, is very concise and easy to understand.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews