It's Not Your Fault: The Subconscious Reasons We Self-Sabotage and How to Stop

by Laura K. Connell

A guide to help readers uncover the subconscious reasons they hold themselves back along with an exploration of the ways negative childhood experiences have impacted their lives and fed into the problem.

We are sometimes our own worst enemies, sabotaging our success and with it our chance for lasting happiness and opportunities for personal and professional fulfillment. It’s Not Your Fault helps readers uncover the subconscious reasons they hold themselves back. These blind spots were often created in childhood as coping mechanisms in response to trauma. Rather than teaching tactics that ignore or give surface attention to adverse childhood events, the book lovingly guides readers to explore the ways these events have impacted their lives and how this knowledge will help them access true transformation. Readers will be relieved to discover that it's not a lack of willpower that has held them back, but a lack of self-knowledge instead.

Those who have been let down by traditional therapeutic techniques know that behavior modification doesn’t work for everyone. Simply doing things differently while staying the same on the inside might help for the short term, but before long old patterns emerge. Once they decide to get serious about change, however, and stop tweaking habits in the hope it will result in lasting transformation, they can create a life by design instead of default. It takes work, an internal excavation, and Laura comes alongside the reader as a trusted guide who has been where they are now. She provides the tools and anecdotal evidence to show them how to overcome the pain of self-sabotage and create the life they desire.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology

220 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 12, 2023

Reviews

[Sille · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ma teatavasti eneseabiõpikuid ei kannata, sest need on enamasti pealiskaudsed ja lugeja intellekti solvavad. Aga kuna käesolevat üks inimene kahtlemata siiralt soovitas, otsustasin proovida.
(Selge see, et on olemas inimesi, kes neid lugedes märkimisväärset ahhaa-efekti kogevad, nii et seda arvesse võttes peaksin oma suhtumist muidugi korrigeerima, sest terve hulk inimesi neist ilmselt abi või vähemalt mõtteainet saab.)

Ühesõnaga, see raamat kannatab täpselt samade probleemide all, mis vaevavad 99% žanri esindajatest, esiteks on ta mõeldud inimestele, kellel puudub absoluutselt igasugune oskus ja harjumus ennast analüüsida, kes ei ole kunagi tahtnud või osanud pisutki endasse vaadata ning oma käitumismustreid mõista (umbes nii, et inimene on aastaid unetu olnud ja eneseabiõpikust saab lõpuks teada, et selle põhjuseks võib olla tema komme õhtul kell kümme pool liitrit kohvi juua), ja teiseks pakutakse siin läbivalt lahendusena välja soovitud lõpptulemust, mitte ei anta tööriistu selle saavutamiseks. Näiteks, kuidas lõpetada negatiivne sisekõne? Alusta enda vastu sõbralik olemisest. Eee, kas see mitte ei olegi lahendamist vajav probleem, et inimene ei oska enda vastu sõbralik olla?

[Candace H-H · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have been diagnosed with complex ptsd or aren’t sure, but experienced trauma during your childhood, I highly recommend “It’s Not Your Fault” by Laura K. Connell. Connell writes, “When you turn the lens away from people society says are supposed to love and care for you and turn it instead on yourself and meeting your own needs, you find freedom” (79). Throughout this book, Connell offers practical suggestions on how to become more aware and compassionate towards your own needs, and being able to communicate effectively despite sometimes uncomfortable feelings.

While reading this book, I reflected on how grateful I am that in the past couple years I’ve had wonderful trauma informed therapists and experienced great somatic therapies such as trauma informed yoga. I can attest that my own therapist has said some of the same things to me that Connell has written in this book. Consequently, this book is not just written by an empathetic author who’s been through her own healing journey, it is also strengthened by research based evidence throughout.

The book isn’t marketed as a workbook, but it functions very well as one. I’ve read this entire book, but will definitely be interacting with it in a more thoughtful manner, including through journalling, one of the practices mentioned as beneficial for exploring uncomfortable but important emotions like anger.

As a personal side note, while reading this book in the past few weeks, I have felt more confident while navigating a challenging situation that didn’t align with my values. I recognized anxiety manifesting strongly within my body (especially my stomach) and told myself, “Making this boundary to leave this unhealthy situation is hard and my stomach hurts with anxiety, and I am still doing this. My needs matter”.

[kitty · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first non-fiction self-help and self-discovery book I’ve read and I really related to it! I self-sabotage a lot and this book was very helpful and insightful. It was refreshing to know that others were going through the same thing and the author wrote in a way that was personal and as if she was having a friendly conversation with us. It expanded on topics I have learned from my own psychologist such as attachment styles in a way that was easy to follow and understand and provided helpful tips on how to improve on overcoming these issues and overall improving your self-love and self-care. The chapters were broken up nicely and labelled clearly with each topic that was going to be discussed which made the book flow effortlessly.

Thank you to netgalley for the copy! ✨

[Taylor Nicke · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book felt more like a conversation with a very well educated friend versus other self help books out there. That might be a con or a pro depending on how you best absorb information. Regardless, this book was very informative and I did find it helpful. I would recommend this book to someone who’s looking for an introductory into self help books because it’s easier to read in comparison to others on the market that might read more like a textbook.

Thanks to Net Galley I was able to read this book before it’s published .

[Karin H. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well, let me tell you, "It's Not Your Fault" is like a total game-changer! This book digs deep into all the crazy ways we mess up our own success and happiness. It's all about figuring out those sneaky subconscious reasons that hold us back, which often go way back to our childhood trauma. But don't worry, it's not just about surface-level tactics – this book takes you on a journey to explore how all that old stuff affects your life and how you can make a real transformation.

You know what's cool? It's not about lacking willpower. It's more like not knowing ourselves well enough. Laura, the author, is like a trusted friend who's been there and done that. She totally gets you. No more trying to tweak your habits and ending up in the same old rut. This book shows you how to break free from self-sabotage and create the life you actually want.

If you've been let down by regular self-help stuff, this is the real deal, bro. No fluff, just heartfelt advice and practical tools to rock your world. So grab a copy, kick back, and get ready to crush it! #ItsNotYourFault #NetGalley

[Manuela · Rating 4 out of 5]

This short and insightful self help book focus on how childhood experiences shape who we are in life and how to accept that you are not responsible for how your family or close relations act.

It has short and well organized chapters, with advice on why you should try to let go of previous assumptions of unworthiness and how to see the situations as it is; to accept your own emotions and learn how to create boundaries on toxic relationships and behavior.

I would recommend this book to anyone who tends to blame him/her/themselves for things or behaviors outside of their control, and who are willing to put on the work towards having a more fulfilling life.

[Ryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s Not Your Fault is an excellent starting point for understanding trauma and how decades later it can still impact one’s life. Connell gives very personal examples from her life to validate this point. It can be read straight through, but might be more therapeutic for some if read in chunks to work through at an individual pace.

Thanks to NetGalley and Health Communications for an ARC of this book.

[Markie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is ideal for those seeking to improve their lives, written with love and compassion. It guides readers through various themes and chapters, providing validation and tools for dealing with life's challenges. The book also includes helpful questions for self-reflection. The writing is beautiful and will resonate with those committed to personal growth

[Samantha Steipp · Rating 5 out of 5]

Because of the way I grew up I feel like everything in the world that happens is my fault, it everything that will happen is because of me. This book has been an eye-opener for me. I definitely recommend if you feel the same way I do. I just reviewed It's Not Your Fault by Laura K. Connell. #ItsNotYourFault #NetGalley
[NetGalley URL]

[Lovemesomebook · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly recommended!!! Like it’s a bit uncomfortable because it started questioning your believe and stuff but it’s still an eye-opener type of book.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s Not Your Fault by Laura K. Connell is unlike other self-help books. I can’t think of another self-help book off the top of my head that I was eager to sit down and read from page to page. Connell addresses in the book that, typically, self-help books emphasize willpower, and that’s what sets her book apart. It’s Not Your Fault digs deep into what sets people back and why willpower isn’t enough to push them forward.

I found several sections empowering and relevant to my own experiences and even the parts that weren’t relevant to myself, I found insightful. This book was also empowering to read since I am a mom, and I reflected on how my actions can impact my child (as my parents’ actions impacted mine).

One of the most important takeaways I took from this book is–you don’t have to be a perfect parent, you just have to be consistent. The book explores how inconsistent parenting can impact a child’s mental health. I also was captivated when reading the descriptions of how the author identified different attachment styles. It was cathartic to identify mine and to let it sink in.

The author also addresses how talk therapy can not be the right therapy for patients with trauma. Talk therapy reopens a womb, and it hurts. I think the author’s descriptions of trauma are spot-on.

The most impactful section of the book, for me personally, was reading about how the author once experienced intense daydreaming and sought out treatment for it. It’s something I never realized, but I spent most of my childhood and early twenties in deep daydreams. The daydreams, for me, stopped when I became a mom–after all, most of my daydreams centered around being a mom, and I’m living out my daydreams. As I was reading this section, I remembered the intense pleasure I was able to derive from these daydreams. Part of me has even missed this part of my life, and I never realized it was even a bad thing. Looking back, after reading the book, I realize I lost many hours of productivity due to daydreaming. If only this book had been available in my twenties! It’s nice to have some insight into this part of my life, even if it has passed.

Another good takeaway, also, is that we often say we won’t be anything like our parents and, instead of saying that, we should create our own unique parenting style. I like that mentality.

My biggest challenge with It’s Not Your Fault was how much focus there was on your parents and how they essentially caused all this trauma. The author addresses how she’s received critique for her narrative, and I understand creating a narrative of what happened is important. However, half the book is focused on blaming the parents before she drops a line about shifting gears to focus on ourselves. I think that should have happened sooner because there’s absolutely a lot of trauma dumping in the first part of the book. She also comments on how traditional therapists urge you to forgive your parents–actually, that hasn’t been my experience. In my experience, this “blame your parents for everything” mentality is common in traditional therapy.

She urges you not to make excuses for your parents, but I think it’s important to give our parents grace. I think it’s important to acknowledge every reader’s experience and relationship with their parents is different. You can have childhood trauma without having terrible parents. Your parents did the best with the resources they had at the time.

I genuinely enjoyed this read and would recommend it to anyone who’s experienced childhood trauma. I’d especially recommend it to moms and dads navigating parenthood for the first time who are trying not to make the same mistakes their parents made.

#NetGalley

[J Kromrie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks to the publisher and Netgalley for this eARC.

In a world where self-help books often recycle the same advice, Laura K. Connell’s “It’s Not Your Fault” emerges as a beacon of hope for those who feel trapped in the cycle of self-sabotage. Connell’s book is not just a guide; it’s a journey into the depths of the subconscious mind, where the seeds of self-defeating behaviors are sown.

The author’s approach is both compassionate and insightful, recognizing that willpower alone is insufficient to break free from the patterns that hold us back. Instead, Connell invites readers to embark on an “internal excavation,” a process of uncovering and understanding the childhood traumas and coping mechanisms that have shaped their adult lives.

What sets this book apart is its refusal to shy away from the uncomfortable truths of our past. Connell argues that true transformation can only occur when we confront these painful experiences head-on. Through personal anecdotes and practical tools, she guides readers through this process, offering a roadmap to healing and self-discovery.

The book’s structure is well-organized, leading readers through the stages of recognizing self-sabotage, understanding its origins, and taking actionable steps towards change. The writing style is engaging, with a tone that is both empathetic and empowering. Readers will find themselves feeling seen and understood, and more importantly, equipped with the knowledge to forge a new path.

“It’s Not Your Fault” is a testament to the power of self-awareness and the potential for personal growth. It’s a must-read for anyone who has ever felt hindered by their own actions and is seeking not just temporary fixes, but a lasting transformation.

[Lily Heron · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really appreciated how this book emphasises practical and honest responses to trauma and adverse childhood events. It's clearly well-researched and informed by the author's own experiences. Overall, I was very impressed by the way this book breaks down various areas in which adults with a history of abuse can struggle in life, work, and relationships. The information provided was clear and helpful, the personal insight empathetic and relatable. I think knowing the author also comes from a background of childhood abuse made it easier for me to trust her and to respect her writing.

My one respectful suggestion would be regarding the references to God, religion, and Higher Powers. Bearing in mind that the book is targeted towards adult survivors of abusive childhoods, I think it's important to consider how many people are survivors of religious abuse. Personally, I found the sudden references to God etc. jarring and triggering, especially when combined with the difficult/upsetting subject material. I don't think that people should have to wait until they're "healed/recovered" before feeling safe enough to approach otherwise very well-written recovery books, so my suggestion would be either to reword/remove these references, or to put a clear note at the beginning of the book emphasising that the author takes faith seriously (which is absolutely her right, but may be harmful/hurtful for some readers if they begin reading without knowing this beforehand).

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing an ARC of It's Not Your Fault in exchange for an honest review.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT
BY: LAURA K. CONNELL

3.25 Stars!

This is the second book in a row that I read to gain more insight into Attachment theory. I did like the concise descriptions of attachment styles. I liked the section regarding the importance of setting good boundaries. That is my big takeaway light bulb moment from this book written by a survivor Laura K. Connell, whose adverse childhood experiences she bravely shares in an easy to understand conversational tone. There are various sections regarding her rise over adversity. However, the author doesn't provide enough details to merit more than a three star rating. It isn't a life changing reading experience, but I wish the author well for her attempt to write an introduction geared towards self help books. There aren't tools provided and it lacks the kind of depth towards making this a resource that I would want to read again. It fails to give insight to my subconscious mind as the subtitle would imply that by reading this that I was hoping that I would gain a better understanding of.

Publication Date: September 12,2023

Thank you to Net Galley, Laura K. Connell and HCI for generously providing me with my eARC in exchange for a fair and honest review. All opinions are my own.

#It'sNotYourFault #LauraKConnell #HCI #NetGalley

[Koen Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

A New Year, A New Chance to Grow

This book was extremely validating. It is raw and unfiltered with things which have torn me apart over my life, and gave me a path to move forward. I have been clean for seven years, sober for two years, and have spent four years processing my trauma with much success. However, I hit a wall recently where I knew there was more to do, but I didn't know where to go from where I was. This book helped show me that there is layer to my trauma which I had not been paying enough attention to. This clarity and guidance is more valuable than I could ever put into words.

Thank you Laura.

[Laura B · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title could be a mantra for anyone suffering from PTSD or CPTSD.

The author was compassionate, wise, and very concise in her advice. You could tell that she had been through the same pain, struggled, suffered, and learned to “win” over all of it. She included researches that were recent and held in high regard because of their effectiveness, and gave useful strategies to make life easier for readers. The focus on ourselves, not the abusers, was both a compassionate and empowering mindset. Highly recommended.

(I received a free review copy from NetGalley.)

[Erin Satriano · Rating 5 out of 5]

Through reading this book, I felt as though I was guided within my past self to make a change and certain instances in my personal experiences, were indeed “not my fault “. I appreciated the ease and flow of the narrative. It helped me knowing the authors own experiences, that I wasn’t alone in feeling the guilt.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well, I would loan you my copy but it's like 85% underlined, circled, highlighted, and there are notes all over the margins. I will probably also need to re-read this over and over and over again for a long time to come.

[Whitaker Jamieson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read twice

[Arden Baxter · Rating 5 out of 5]

100/10. This has been the most powerful and transformative book I’ve ever read.

[Dawn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I recently discovered Laura K. Connell through videos at Avaiya.com and had the opportunity to read an advanced copy of her book It's Not Your Fault. The book is very helpful in identifying and explaining where some of our behaviors come from, the first step in understanding and changing them in order to live a happier, healthier life. She addresses attachment styles, boundaries, and reparenting yourself in easy-to-understand language rather than technical jargon. Working on ourselves is not an easy process, but the rewards are worth the effort and Laura offers great suggestions to start creating change in your life. Laura has lived with and worked on the same problems she is addressing. There is something powerful about learning from a person who has lived what you lived, addressed it, and is living a better life because of it. Laura, thank you for sharing your life and insights!

[Karin · Rating 4 out of 5]

A challenging read but worth diving into to understand more about childhood trauma and how it impacts your life. The feedback loops we have that perpetuate being stuck or repeating poor decisions don't just happen.

Childhood trauma doesn't always mean something catastrophic or extremely dangerous. It can sometimes be difficult to identify or even accept (since we don't think there is any trauma). Once a reader has opened their mind and educates themselves on some different perspectives, working to resolve it becomes easier.

I would highly recommend this book to someone that has acknowledged that maybe they experienced some trauma as a child such as feeling as if they were a burden, or always left to "fend for themselves". This book is challenging to read and I wouldn't recommend borrowing it from a library or a friend. I recommend buying it as you'll find yourself re-reading sections and reflecting at times.

The organization of the book could be a little better, however, in the end, the book is well worth the challenge of reading it and digesting what it means to each reader.

[Jayde Gauld · Rating 5 out of 5]

"This book is for you so you know you’re not alone."

The first thing I can say about this book is WOW! It makes me feel seen and understood. At times, it almost feels like a scolding, because what the author says is so true and real. It's freaky... but yet nice. It is as if this book was written for me. This book explained many things about myself and helped me to see and understand what makes me tick. It is wonderfully enlightening.

Reading this book has been life changing. Thank you for this creation.

[JadersCorner · Rating 4 out of 5]

NetGalley Review

Books on trauma and healing are always the Hearst to review. But i will say this author creates a space where she talks about human experiences everyone can relate to and the trauma that can come with it.
She gives authentic ways to work through and over come what may be holding you back or blame yourself for.

This book or style of working through things isn’t for everyone, but it is a great resource for those that it will help and align with the values this book holds.

[Roslyn Bell · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is ideal for those seeking to improve their lives, written with love and compassion. Because of the way I grew up, I feel like everything wrong was my fault, it everything that will happen is because of me. This book been an eye-opener for me. I always thought that I had to have more "WILLPOWER" and I could accomplish things. This book lays it all out and you will not be disappointed. #netgalley #itsnotyourfault