I’m surprised I found a book that could be more disappointing than Wonderland 🤷♂️
So this book was one of my most anticipated reads of 2020 and flopped just as hard as my other anticipated reads. Survivor Song, Wonderland, and now Clown in a Cornfield. Perhaps the biggest thing I’ve seen about this book is that it’s “Friday the 13th!” It’s “Halloween!” It’s “Scream!” Really it’s none of those things, except for maybe the bad parts. Flat teens who instead of being total horn dogs always have a keg on hand and throw parties every night like they’re a part of a frat house rather than high schoolers. The movie this book ACTUALLY is, well, if I tell you it’ll spoil the single plot point this book has. It’s a very famous movie...one with corn... I’ll put the title in a spoiler category:
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Children of the Corn. Literally Children of the corn. Same exact ideology except flipped. Instead of kids who don’t want to grow old since being an adult is “wrong”, it’s Trump supporters who kill the kids since being young makes you a slutty, disrespectful nuisance. Not surprised it’s this movie either.
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With that out of the way, let’s talk about this book...or what little there is to talk about.
First off the characters. They’re who you see in Friday the 13th or Sleepaway camp. Kids whose names you don’t know and only care to watch be slaughtered getting slaughtered. The difference between Clown in a Cornfield and these slashers is it’s fun to see the creative deaths. Jason’s kill with a sleeping bag? Iconic. Angela drowning a girl in an outhouse? Brutal. Random kids whose names you only learn after they’re dead getting shot by crossbows...and more crossbows...and more crossbows...and one chainsaw? Overdone at best. I wouldn’t have minded the flatness of everyone since they were all going to die anyway but they could’ve at least been killed in cool ways. When EVERYONE dies ALL AT ONCE in this one huge bloodbath THE SAME WAY I lose interest fast. Which brings me to my next point.
This book only has 2 acts. The start where you learn the names of your flat, drunk teens and then the one bloodbath. That’s it. Nothing else happens. There’s a single plot point that if you read my starred off section you already know. Aside from that? The book has no plot. It’s just a bunch of teens I didn’t even know most the names of dying in the same fashion in - you guessed it - a single cornfield. There’s a barn...though nothing significant happens there (Yeah there’s the part with the fire - all I’ll say here in case you actually want to read this - but you don’t see the inside of it...just hear people screaming and that’s it). There’s also a corn refinery where one short sequence happens and then the book moves onto its climax, which this entire section felt like. Just a first introductory act, then climax, then epilogue. You can’t tell me this book has a middle. There’s bloodbath in cornfield then it’s over.
Shamelessly segwaying over to my next point, this book moved way too fast. Maybe if the characters actually got some more page time before they died, or if when they were split up in the cornfield STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENED I would’ve enjoyed this more. Instead it felt like out of nowhere people I’d just heard the name of were being shot with arrows and somehow I was supposed to care...? My favorite quote from this book is when one of the characters Cole - I had to write his name down because I would not have remembered it - said “We barely know her!” That was me. To everyone in this book. It flew through the intro then just skipped over the entire middle like the author couldn’t wait to kill everyone. Don’t get me wrong, I love gore. Like I said already, watching unlikable teens get slaughtered is always fun. But when all the unlikable teens are killed in the same exact way in the same exact spot I get bored really fast. Though there was one character where an attempt was made at making her “like able?” Who I’ll discuss now.
Quinn. The new girl to this small Mississippi or Missouri town - one of those two - who had to grow up to fast because her mother dies before the start of the book. She takes care of her dad, she critiques her “friends” for being teen slasher cliches, she drinks screwdrivers like no ones business while worrying about her friends also getting drunk, she has major anxiety issues but then blasts clown heads off with a rifle as soon as blood begins flowing, she acts like a total badass but don’t worry, she thinks to herself how wrong it is to be shooting people while shooting people who are trying to murder her. LONG STORY SHORT - Quinn makes no sense. She’s the mother of the group but also does all the “bad” activities she criticizes everyone for doing. She has anxiety but then no hesitation for killing people but then randomly the author throws in some BS line of “but when she shot the clown, she felt how wrong it was taking a human life...” like PICK SOMETHING. Is she a bad ass or is she riddled with anxiety? Is she the mother friend or a follower? Literally she just did whatever was needed to keep the blood flowing for that one section of the book and that was it. No one had any agency. I’ll end this by discussing the villains or “clowns” though I felt like the biggest clown for actually finishing this book.
So if you read my spoiler, you already know the reasoning behind the murdering so I won’t say it again in case you somehow want to still read this. I hated the villains. They could’ve worked. I would’ve loved them if they weren’t the dumbest people alive - which I mean they definitely are, but when you want me to be afraid of them in your book, you gotta give me something to fear. The epilogue of the book COMPLETELY UNRAVELS THEIR ENTIRE PLAN. I’m not even joking. The book literally says “even if they killed everyone, they still would’ve been caught because of x”. I’ll only say the thing that unravels everything is the most Boomer meme reason I’ve ever heard in my life. I actually laughed when I heard this. It was like I already didn’t feel scared about the villains and then this MAJOR SIMPLE THING gets revealed that 100% undermines the already undermined villains. Like OK THEN. Just disregard your only plot point why don’t you 🤷♂️
I know I said that was my last point but THIS NEEDS TO BE SAID. If you actually want to read this book, DO NOT BUY THE AUDIOBOOK. The “southern” accent done on all the male characters is a terrible Canadian one, and then for the females the narrator reads them like she’s about to start crying...even in the exposition, just straight up sounds like she’s about to burst into tears even though the most bad ass thing could be happening. Like when Quinn readies her gun for the first time, the narrator is on the verge of tears reading this attempt at a triumphant scene. Like WHAT? Am I supposed to be sad or feeling empowered? And are we in Canada or southern middle of nowhere America?
So in the end, I not only wasted an audible credit, but lost any and all brain cells I had remaining too. If you want to read a book about a bunch of nameless teens getting decimated in one fell swoop, then this book is for you. I personally couldn’t find any semblance of care for anyone in this book which is a shame. It raises some really good social commentary but then wastes that on flat as hell characters who even die before they get introduced. Like there was a whole group of kids whose names didn’t even get mentioned until Quinn found their dead bodies. Was I supposed to care about them after they were dead because I didn’t. I couldn’t even care for the ones still alive 🤷♂️ Same goes for the villains. Like I know these certain people get a lot of slack in real life but if you’re trying to make them into even worse villains than the news already says they are then at least give them some brain cells too. Like how can they orchestrate this whole bloodbath but have this one HUGE flaw in their plan that would’ve unraveled everything had they succeeded? Doesn’t make sense in the slightest. Don’t waste your time or money. Just watch the movie I already mentioned instead.