This Exquisite Loneliness: What Loners, Outcasts, and the Misunderstood Can Teach Us About Creativity

by Richard Deming

"...Rich and sensitive." —The Wall Street Journal

“Loneliness is everywhere these days. But this book will chase some of it away, and maybe replace it with connection.” —Patton Oswalt, Emmy and Grammy winning comic

A examination of the life and work of six brilliant minds of the twentieth century, intent on answering the question “What can be done not despite but because of loneliness?”

At an unprecedented rate, loneliness is moving around the globe—from self-isolating technology and political division to community decay and social fragmentation—and yet it is not a feeling to which we readily admit. It is stigmatized, freighted with shame and fear, and easy to dismiss as mere emotional neediness. But what if instead of shying away from loneliness, we embraced it as something we can learn from and as something that will draw us closer to one another?

In This Exquisite Loneliness, Richard Deming turns an eye toward that unwelcome feeling, both in his own experiences and the lives of six groundbreaking figures, to find the context of loneliness and to see what some people have done to navigate this profound sense of discomfort. Within the back stories to Melanie Klein’s contributions to psychoanalysis, Zora Neale Hurston’s literary and ethnographic writing, the philosophical essays of Walter Benjamin, Walker Evans’s photography of urban alienation, Egon Schiele’s revolutionary artwork and Rod Serling’s uncanny narratives in The Twilight Zone, Deming explores how loneliness has served as fuel for an intense creative desire that has forged some of the most original and innovative art and writing of the twentieth century.

This singular meditation on loneliness reveals how we might transform the pain of emotional isolation and become more connected to others and more at home with our often unquiet selves.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Audiobook, Art, Sociology, History

334 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 3, 2023

Reviews

[Richard Propes · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would be less than honest if I didn't acknowledge that I found myself drawn to Richard Deming's "This Exquisite Loneliness: What Loners, Outcasts, and the Misunderstood Can teach Us About Creativity" in the early weeks after having experienced a major cancer surgery that has left me acknowledging the dual realities of a dramatically changed physical being and also having the privilege of being defined as "cancer free."

I am in my three-bedroom home in Indianapolis, a home where I live alone and a home where I now work toward physical healing with a good majority of my hours spent alone. Having been a loner for a good majority of my life, solitude doesn't negatively impact me. In fact, it often fuels me. However, there are undeniable moments during this experience when I've acknowledged to my peers that I do, in fact, feel lonely.

And yet, I struggled early on to get into Deming's rather lyrical rhythm that practically defines "This Exquisite Loneliness." I struggled to understand where "This Exquisite Loneliness" was going and I struggled to surrender myself to the journey. Yet, there came this point, an Aha! moment of sorts, when everything began to click and I began to understand Deming's intimate yet intellectually satisfying exploration of what he refers to as "exquisite loneliness." Deming turns this literary lens inward throughout his writing here, however, he also focuses his lens on six groundbreaking figures to explore how these loners, outcasts, and misunderstood figures used loneliness in remarkable ways.

These figures include Melanie Klein, Zora Neale Hurston, Walter Benjamin, Walker Evans, Egon Schiele, and Rod Serling. My guess is that at least a couple of these names are easily familiar, though it's quite beautiful how Deming shares their works and also shares their lives in painting poetic and precise essays on exquisite loneliness and how it can serve as a fuel for intense creativity.

Presenting as meditative in spirit, "This Exquisite Loneliness" isn't likely a book for everyone but for those who embrace it this will be an exceptional and meaningful journey and one, I'd dare say, that fosters a sense of connectedness. Easily one of the more unique reading experiences I've had in 2023, I can also say that "This Exquisite Loneliness" is also one of the most meaningful.

[Kelly Pramberger · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sometimes I feel lonely even though I'm surrounded by people. This book made me feel more connected to those feelings. Deming explores themes of loneliness and mental health. I found it unlike any other book I've read about the topic. I appreciated the multiple stories on the topic. Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC. Four stars.

[Caroline Todd · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some poignant parts, but ultimately not the reading experience I was hoping for. A helpful accompaniment to all of us strangers, though - another impetus to seek out relationships that connect us through our loneliness

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Got this for the section on Rod Serling; however,the rest of this was just as engaging. A good companion to Olivia Liang’s Lonely City.

[Cheng Bogdani]

DNF at 19%

This started out really well for me - the author related some very personal experiences with their sobriety and recovery, and since I've been sober for a number of years I was optimistic I'd vibe hard with this book.

The first clue that all was not well was when the author mentioned some Freudian psychology. The author then tries to introduce us to Melanie Klein, a protoge of Freud, and the narrative was... scattered, at best. It jumped around to different parts of her life, even different people the other would introduce us to later, it was very hard to follow in audiobook format. The prose leans towards lyrical; what could have been straightforward descriptions of Melanie and her life were unnecessarily complicated by the overuse of words.

The print/ebook formats might work, while you're tucked away in a mountain cabin during a snowstorm with plenty of hot tea and cozy cats. But for my use case - listening on headphones while running and cycling - it was a no-go.

I listened to the audiobook format via Overdrive from my library.

[Rebecca · Rating 1 out of 5]

Oh my God, this is a tortured book. Read by the author who is on the point of tears the whole time.

Severance’s “The You, You Are” has ruined me for books like this. I just couldn’t take it seriously.

I hope the author has made peace with himself and the world and learned to find joy.

[Maileen Hamto · Rating 3 out of 5]

In "This Exquisite Loneliness," poet and critic Richard Deming pens an arresting and piercing analysis of the experience of profound aloneness and isolation from others. Deming excavates his own experiences in exploring both discontent and creative fervor as he examines the lives of six phenomenal figures, including writer Zora Neale Hurston, psychoanalyst Melanie Klein, Twilight Zone creator Rod Serling, and artist Egon Schiele. Part memoir and part character study, the author brings us to the recesses of his struggles with drug and alcohol addiction and relates his bouts with intense abandonment to the known lived experiences of other creatives.

Demng pieces together information from autobiographies, interviews, and writings to formulate a coherent study of the extraordinary experience of transcending isolation and despair to create the most original and innovative works of art and writing. We learn that his connection to each of his subjects is deeply personal. For example, he writes about discovering Schiele’s haunting self-portraits as a teenager and Hurston’s works during a pivotal time of transition. Deming often wanders in the territory of an armchair psychologist, and his analysis could sometimes be a stretch. While passages that transition quickly into the author’s self-reflections about his own demons can be quite jarring, I recognize that this book would not be possible without a keen sense of introspection.

[Susan Oleksiw · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author, Richard Deming, poet and writer, struggled with chronic, painful loneliness and addiction, and once sober turned to understanding both. In this work he examines the life and work of six other creatives who struggled with chronic loneliness and expressed particular facets of it: Melanie Klein, Zora Neale Hurston, Egon Schiele, Walter Benjamin, Walker Evans, and Rod Serling. How well you know the work of each one may affect how persuasive and rewarding the section on that writer is for you. I wasn't familiar with the work of all of them, but I did find the chapters on Evans and Serling especially interesting. Because each chapter covers the life of one writer as well as offering opportunities for Deming to talk about his own transformation in coming to understand and grapple with his own emotional states, the text is of necessity limited in what it covers. Still, this is a provocative exploration of one important aspect of the human condition not limited to creatives but perhaps best explored and expressed by them.

[LeeAnn · Rating 3 out of 5]

"I believe we must reinvent loneliness in order to survive it."

The author begins with this rather contemplative premise. Of course, everyone has experienced loneliness. So how do we survive it?

According to the author, "exquisite loneliness" is "emotional awareness sharpened by the pain of feeling excluded or isolated."

And by understanding that feeling, we come to understand ourselves and what we need in order to survive. Beyond that, the author attempts to point us toward what living beyond and through loneliness can inspire, especially after his own experiences after COVID.

Deming draws from many sources for inspiration and insight, and though the book is well-crafted and thoughtfully written, it didn't really resonate with me.

The conclusion is actually the best section of the book. So many moments of truth and illuminated thought here. I certainly appreciated the author's choice of Thoreau & Emerson as reading companions, as well as his ascetic cabin sojourn.

[Scott Neigh]

An examination of loneliness through the lives and work of six well-known figures – Melanie Klein, Zora Neale Hurston, Walter Benjamin, Walker Evans, Egon Schiele, and Rod Serling – as well as the experiences of the author. It is deeply thoughtful and moves confidently across broad swathes of cultural knowledge, plus the writing is good. There were certainly stretches that gripped my interest. However, overall I was disappointed. There were passages of biography that felt tangential. There were moments where its reflection came across as a bit contrived. Perhaps most detrimental to my enjoyment, there were too many claims about the meaning of creative works or about the inner lives of the book's subjects that not only didn't feel supported but that felt like they went beyond what one *could* support based on the biographical and textual leavings of someone who can no longer speak for themself.

[Shelley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Spent the first 2/3 of this book being annoyed the author doesn’t deliver on the premise of the book. There was very little about creativity and connections of these famous creatives works to loneliness often seemed forced. The author would tie creations to loneliness without the creatives ever directly saying they wrote to deal with loneliness or that their art came from just loneliness or even having a strong line of logic to make these leaps in connecting creation to loneliness. So that was disappointing and felt misleading. I was won over eventually by the writing and it being interesting to read these biographies of creatives. The authors musings on loneliness and creativity aren’t particularly unique or compelling but it was cool to read about the lives of different artists.

[Alicia Bayer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very deep, intellectual read. Deming tells of six people from history in different fields and tells of their lives, their back stories, their longings and loneliness. I especially loved the sections on Rod Sterling and the artist Schiele (how did I never know of him, and oh my goodness what a tragic story). Some of what I learned about all these people was so fascinating and heartbreaking, and I found myself repeatedly reading sections to my 25 year old as we’re staying with family friends in Nebraska together this week. This is a very heavy read but parts of it will stay with me, probably forever. As someone who reads hundreds of books a year, that is saying something.

I read a digital ARC of this book for review.

[Kathleen Gray · Rating 4 out of 5]

An unusual read. Deming looks at the lives of six individuals-Melanie Klein, Zora Neale Hurston, Walter Benjamin, Walker Evans, Egon Schiele, and Rod Serling- and how loneliness helped them create and ran as themes through their work. I was not familiar with Klein or Benjamin and only vaguely knew Schiele so this served as an introduction to them (and sent me to wikipedia for more information). It wasn't what I was expecting but I found it illuminating. Thanks to Edelweiss for the ARC. Interesting.

[Kim Wilch · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook - the narrator is also the author - in truth, I cringed when he said that, but he has a very nice and soothing voice. I listened at 1.2x. He does inflict sadness into his tone at appropriate times. I think the audiobook was the right choice for me, it was slow going (but interesting) in the beginning. The introduction was 38 minutes. The Chapters were even more interesting and enjoyable, definitely thoughts to ponder. The writing is fantastic and it's compelling to consider how creativity can blossom in unexpected places. 

[Alex Chen · Rating 2 out of 5]

i learned some interesting factoids abt egon schiele and walter benjamin and some other historical luminaries so i hesitate to write this book off as a total loss

but it is pretentious and i don't think ultimately that it would help anybody confront their own loneliness – of course that may not be the point of the book but a lot of the time i was reading it i kept thinking to myself "well what's even the point of this"

[Jodell · Rating 1 out of 5]

Thie book I read was not the book I wanted to read: It is based on this authors experience with loneliness and six groundbreaking figures in history who suffered this human condition and whom I have no clue who they are except one.

I guess I was going to get a book on where that lonely feeling comes from or if everyone has it and all those other profound feelings you imagine people must feel at one point in life. This was not that book.

[Joanna · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book tried to weave together philosophical insights into loneliness and its relationship to creativity, mini-biographies of artists who grappled with loneliness, and the author’s own experiences, but ultimately it fell flat.

[Joan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a beautifully written book about the emotional terrain of isolation. The author explores how loneliness can be a source of creative power and light. This is kind of a guide book for the lonely.

[Kaitlin Lillywhite · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting commentary on historical examples of great things done by people who are “exquisitely lonely”, the chronically morose and despondent. Who knew The Twilight Zone was so deep!

[Nick · Rating 2 out of 5]

For listeners of the audiobook: Eckspecially.

This wasn't what I expected, so perhaps that's why I found it disappointing. Here's the takeaway: what if people who make stuff got lonely too?

[ellery beck · Rating 5 out of 5]

READ THIS!

[Florence ✨ · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Our memories come from the weight, fire, and pressure that form who we are. Trace our memories far enough and we find out what our lonelinesses are made of.”

[Kie Watanabe · Rating 3 out of 5]

it made me sad..and a lil bored…good if u are an old man with a lot of life to look back on maybe

[Anna Perreyclear · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very interesting info about Egon Schiele and Rod Serling.

[Hannah · Rating 1 out of 5]

A waste of my time.

[Larra Call · Rating 4 out of 5]

Soooo interesting. The lonely lives and observations of relatively famous ppl.

[Tay Colls ☀️ · Rating 2 out of 5]

Verbose. Melancholy. Author is definitely one of those broody poetic ruminative tortured soul types. Which can be a bit romantic and interesting at first, but feels encompassing, sad, and boring after awhile. Book has a rocky autobiographical through-line while also infused with lots of little biographical tid bits of other overly ruminative intellectuals that the author hyper-fixated on.
I agree there’s value in one’s ability to access a connection to their own deep pain and the resulting creativity from that introspective process. I did finish it - so that’s something. But overall, meh.

[Elyssa · Rating 4 out of 5]

A heavy listen, but a reassuring one. A reminder that we are experience loneliness. Especially loved the section about Rod Serling and “The Twilight Zone.”
Having listened to this while also reading Lauren Groff’s “Vaster Wilds,” has me needing an Amish romance or two as a palate cleanser.