I'm Not a Mourning Person: Braving Loss, Grief, and the Big Messy Emotions That Happen When Life Falls Apart

by Kris Carr

From New York Times bestselling author Kris Carr, comes a transformational book about love, loss, and all the life-changing insights we receive when we embrace them.

A few years ago, Kris Carr’s world was falling apart. Her father was dying, she had to pivot her business because of the pandemic, and she was on the verge of reaching her twenty-year milestone of living with an incurable Stage IV cancer diagnosis.

While sitting in a CVS parking lot, she broke down, finally allowing herself to feel the massive stress and sadness she had been suppressing in order to seem strong for those around her, and for herself.

And then she asked herself, “ If embracing my intense emotions helped me feel even the slightest bit better, why was I so determined to avoid them? And given how all-encompassing this hint of catharsis felt, where else in my life have I been avoiding grief?”

In this book, Kris shares her (embarrassing, painful, helpful, hilarious, and sometimes inappropriate) stories and observations about what to expect when you’re not expecting your world to fall apart.

If your life has been turned upside down—whether it be the dissolving of a relationship or marriage, the end of a job or career, any other number of significant unexpected transitions. . . or, like Kris, you are wrestling with the pain that comes from an illness or the death of a loved one, this book is filled with real-life experiences, practices, and insights that can help you feel better—not cured—but better.

It will provide comfort and community as you learn that these big messy emotions can be a catalyst to take inventory of your life, figure out what matters most, and reset. . . because as Kris says, “when we’re brave enough to tend to our Our messy emotions can teach us how to be free––not free from pain, but free from the fear of pain and the barrier it creates to fully living.”

Genres: Grief, Self Help, Nonfiction, Memoir, Death, Audiobook, Personal Development

240 pages, Hardcover

Published September 19, 2023

About the author

Kris Carr is a multi-week New York Times best-selling author, speaker and wellness activist. Kris is the subject and director of the documentary, Crazy Sexy Cancer, which aired on TLC and The Oprah Winfrey Network, and the author of the award-winning Crazy Sexy Cancer book series. Her latest books, Crazy Sexy Diet and Crazy Sexy Kitchen, will change the way you live, love and eat! Kris regularly lectures at hospitals, wellness centers, corporations such as Whole Foods, and Harvard University, and is a Contributing Editor for Natural Health Magazine. Some media appearances include: The New York Times, Scientific American, Glamour, Vanity Fair, Good Morning America, Today, The Early Show, CBS Evening News, The Gayle King Show, and The Oprah Winfrey Show. As an irreverent foot soldier in the fight against disease, Kris inspires countless people to take charge of their health and happiness by adopting a plant-passionate diet, improving lifestyle practices, and learning to live and love like you really mean it. Her motto: Make juice not war!

Reviews

[🩶 April • A.M. Flynn • 🩶 · Rating 5 out of 5]

My mom, my best friend passed away this year. November 4th 2023 of stage 4 cancer. It was so fast that she went downhill. This book I definitely needed. It’s the first one I picked up in the library without really looking. Grief is a terrible, terrifying thing.

[Courtney Trestrail · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very difficult read in a way that is positive

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

kris carr’s voice resonates throughout this unfiltered take on the ups and downs of grief. i appreciated that it was accessible to those grieving in a myriad of ways. most of the techniques and topics mentioned (square breathing, self-care, etc.) seem like common knowledge these days; however, it takes sincere bravery to get as raw as kris does with her own walk with grief, and the personalized portions of the book are where it shines.

[Jill Salahub · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've been reading about (and experiencing) grief for so long, I'm becoming jaded about the subject. Because of that, I think I was actively resisting this book, treating it like old news, not believing it had anything new to offer -- but then I found myself at the end with a new outlook, having gleaned some wisdom I really needed at this particular time, this stage of things, and for that, I'm so grateful.

[Karlee Durfey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick read

[june · Rating 4 out of 5]

cries were had

[Allison Brewer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel like Kris wrote parts of this for me personally. 🩷Whether you are grieving something in your own life or helping someone else through a hard time, this book may help.

[Heather Walter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good read with some useful nuggets. It was a hard one to get through given my current circumstances, though.

[Murphy Fraser · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this book up skeptically. Years of unhealed grief lingering on my fingertips, it was Kris’ reminder that grief can be experienced in many different ways (loss of a job, a friendship, etc.) that gave me the permission I needed to dig in. Exploring grief in this way - not as a result of a major personal loss but instead the grief that comes with a new season of life, one come alive by decisions I made willingly- was digestible to me. And as unspoken needs usually do, what I really needed this book for crept up on me slowly. It opened doors to healing I didn’t know were there, let alone closed.

Reminders to welcome and touch grief, healed and unhealed, abound in this book. Unlike it’s topic, I did not find it to be a heavy read. Quite the opposite, actually. Sure, there were tears. But there were also faint smiles, little chuckles, and a light feeling of openness to it all. Kris Carr invites you to explore that which is a common thread in our collective human experience - loss - in its multitude of shapes and forms. At times raw, at times humorous, but always honest, “I’m Not A Mourning Person” gives space for grief to become a nonjudgmental embrace between that which was but is no more, and what is yet to be.

“Life is a terminal condition. We’re all going to die, but how many of us will actually live?”

Part guide, part memoir, and part self-help, this book is a gentle hand on the shoulder reminding us that navigating grief is a uniquely personal and imperfect journey. It gives nonjudgmental space to and for grief, encouraging readers to embrace pain and its role in reminding us we are here and alive, at least for now. There is no perfect way to grieve, no formula to moving forward. Kris gives us permission to be raw, authentic, and creative in how we navigate the ruptures of life.

“Remember, pain needs to be witnessed, not polished.”

[Kimmy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Where was this book when I lost my dad? It really would have been so helpful. This book is not just for people experiencing grief and/or loss, but I feel an extremely important book for everyone to read to help understand, empathize, and support others that are struggling. I’m coming up on the 20 year anniversary of losing my dad and she’s right - although it can get easier to manage with time, you never get over loss.

[Wendy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good pieces of advice, but kind of hard to apply to my own life because we’re in pretty different points in life. Admittedly I did not read the whole thing but I did read most, stopped when it wasn’t serving me anymore

[Meghan Summers · Rating 4 out of 5]

A moving book about the Author’s experience with grief of all kids. Touches on parental death, multiple cancer perspectives (care-taker & patient), and even pet loss. Some tears were had. The most impactful chapter (for me) was the chapter about how to talk to loved ones about grief (how to show up and show support and what to say and NOT to say and how to accept help when going through grief), and setting boundaries around conversations about grief. Not the most thrilling book, but lots of wisdom sprinkled within.

[Missy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best books I have read about grief so far. The humour helped for me, but it is also raw and honest about the shit show of emotions that await us when a loved one dies and about the self care and love that is needed to help us through it all.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for anyone who has dealt with death, loss or trauma. So much wisdom, advice, and empathy. Wish I knew about 12 years ago but so much I can still apply to today.

[Olivia Todd · Rating 5 out of 5]

I needed to read this book.

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

My father is dying of pancreatic cancer. I’ve read a few books on grief - this is the one I found most helpful so far.

[Ally · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book and needed it. It’s about more than grief - it’s about how to show up for yourself in a more authentic way, especially during the worst moments of your life. Highly recommend.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really thought this book was a great help in dealing with any kind of grief that you have going on in your life.

I really liked the part on animals. People seem to forget that the loss of a pet is just as serious as a loss of a human. Pets can cause just as many emotions and upheaval on your body as any other loss.

If you are experiencing any kind of loss, this book is the book to read.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a book I will probably pick up at a later time. This is a what to expect when you are facing loss and what to do about it kind of book.

[Melissa]

What I like about Kris Carr's books is that she doesn't hold back or shy away from sharing the worst things she has experienced, and she turns them into opportunities for connection and support for others--"here's this awful thing I went through; looking back on it now I see it really was just as awful as I thought it was at the time. Here's how I got through it. Here's where I am now with it--a little okay, a little not okay. Here's where I wanted to be and how far I've gotten with it." She doesn't "give permission" to be human and messy, she just is very open about her own human messiness, and that makes space for others to do so as well. And her work is not prescriptive--she doesn't tell you "here's a problem, here's how you solve it, trust me I'm the expert now." In fact, she regularly reminds readers "look, I'm not a doctor, I do not have all of the answers, but here's how I advocate for myself and my loved ones and here's what I do when I don't know what to do." She's not out to fix you, she's out to help you feel seen and understood, and then to empower you with resources that helped her, too, to feel seen and understood. Significantly, she gently but firmly insists that readers trust themselves, that while society continuously holds up the stoic sufferer as a pillar of virtue it's neither reasonable, rational, nor healthy to stuff your feelings down; what you are feeling is valid and listening to and honoring and allowing it to be felt is essential. I appreciate that approach, as well as her willingness to discuss the hardest topics with authenticity and respect for herself, her family, friends, and loved ones, her caregiver teams, and her readers. A comforting, human-to-human book for difficult times.

[Sharon Gausch · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a deeply moving yet somehow still incredibly upbeat book. Kris Carr lives with a lot of grief, a lot of pain, as many of us do. But she does the work, and here she shares her hard-earned knowledge finding, creating, a beautiful path forward. In spite of living with cancer. In spite of losing her beloved dad. In spite of losing her beloved dog.

I so appreciated her addressing the many different types of trauma and loss, and her eloquence in reinforcing that you can't rank order them, that their significance is solely based on the depth of the relationship, the amount of pain and upheaval it causes in your life. Losing a pet can be every bit as traumatizing as losing a person, more so even. Being diagnosed with cancer is earth-shattering. Living with cancer can be excruciating. We need to acknowledge and accept the enormity of these events, grieve for what has been lost, and then gradually figure out how we go on.

There's so much for me to reflect on here, but I think the beautiful overarching message is to remember to look for the joy, that joy and pain go hand in hand, and that finding all of the joy that is still there is not only okay, but it is how we will heal and move forward.

[Ale Angeles · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Kris Carr for writing this absolutely beautiful book - it came into my life right when I needed it most. My mum is battling stage IV colon cancer that's spread to multiple organs and she's now in palliative care. It's been utterly gut-wrenching.

This book has been such a comfort during this devastating time. Kris writes with so much raw honesty, vulnerability and heart. Her words made me feel less alone in navigating this painful journey of gradually losing a parent to cancer. It's like having a wise, compassionate friend by your side who truly gets it.

If you're reading this Kris, I want to say a huge heartfelt thank you. Your book has been a light in the darkness. I'm terribly sorry about the loss of your dad. I hope you continue to heal and find peace. Your story and insights are helping so many others feel seen and supported as they face the unimaginable. Sending a big virtual hug your way.

To anyone else facing a similar situation, I can't recommend this book enough. It won't take away the pain, but it will remind you that you aren't alone. Kris' words are a soothing balm for the soul. This is a book I'll return to again and again. It's an absolute gem.

Ale

[Maddie Boarman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Believe it or not, this book actually came to me at the perfect time. In the last year, I’ve experienced so much uncertainty and change and as a result, grief—old and new—has bubbled back up in me.

It’s been years since I’ve experienced the loss of my loved ones, but grief has no bounds. I also grieve my old self as I get older and experience shifts in thinking and goals. But, instead of stuffing it down, this book encourages us to get comfortable with the ebbs and flows of grief and how it shows up—mostly without warning.

Kris is a brilliant writer that just speaks to my heart so well—mostly through humor + cuss words lmao
If you have a hard time getting comfortable with the uncomfortable, Kris is your gal! Her writing is so easy to digest + put into practice.

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have a lot of friends with aging parents, and I’m recommending this book to anyone dealing with grief, especially anticipatory grief, and elder care.

Kris Carr does a fantastic job of weaving humor through dark stories, and I particularly appreciated how well she painted her relationship with her father, so that his death hits us, as readers, hard enough to be meaningful.

This is another one of those books, I wish it had come out 2 years ago, before my parents died and I really needed to know what to do. As it is, I felt somewhat validated reading this, that my experience was pretty typical, and I’ve been doing all the right things. I wish it felt easier to find the humor as well as Kris Carr does.

[Faye Abdel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was very excited for Kris’s new book to come out! Kris takes us on her personal life journey and more. This book goes far beyond how to deal with grief. She is very open and honest with her feelings, even adding some humor along the way.

In her book, Kris shows ways to articulate your own emotions and validate your feelings. She gives helpful advice to those providing comfort and encouragement to someone grieving.

Kris gives a great deal of practical wisdom in how to deal with seasons of pain, loss, frustration and grief.

Her beautiful writing is calming and reassuring.

I highly recommend it.

[Kayleigh Purdy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Going into this book I didn’t think there would be many similarities between me and the author’s grief story. After just reading the intro I was in tears. This book has helped me in so many ways. I can see it being a book that I reread many times, I’m sure I’ll pick up different things from it on each read.

I lost my dad to cancer 2 years ago and I have come along way in my grief journey. From not showing my grief to anyone to now leading a grief group! This book has given me so many new things to try, from tips for helping me eat better all the way to giving me reassurance that I will be OK.

I can’t wait to share this book with my sister and mother!

[Beatriz Hayes · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book! I decided to read this book as I am on a healing journey through a separation/divorce. The author made connections to how any kind of loss whether it be death, relational, financial, work wise, etc can bring about the grief process. She gave practical tools and coping mechanisms to deal with the ups and downs of grief. I really like how she went into depth about how our bodies and nervous systems hold on to trauma and grief and ways to navigate through that. She intertwined her personal story with humor and the advice of known therapist, psychiatrist, and psychologist to give the reader in depth navigational tools to walk through any form of loss.

[C2015 · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would’ve given 4.5 stars, but rounding up because of the vulnerability and authenticity. Shoot, I had some things I wanted to point out that I loved: the grief train… perfectly phrased; being generous with people who can’t live in a world where other people are going through things besides themselves…absolutely; the hole in the universe… Exactly how I described ; people who have no understanding or space for grief; there were others that I can’t remember, and I’ve already returned the book. She had a great chapter on pet loss.

[Cheyenne Wallace · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve unfortunately been through a lot of personal deaths, especially in recent years. I lost both my grandmothers in a matter of two years from one another. I remember at the time, obviously being sad, but not upset?? I was very calm with the idea that they had passed on, and although Mourning Person covers heavily the scatteredness of losing someone and fighting to keep someone as they start to slip away— I could relate. There were moments mentioned where I went “YES! THIS IS THE THING!” It always helps when your weird feelings can be validated by a complete stranger.

[Mark Valentine · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very accessible memoir of surviving cancer, of grieving her father's passing, and of learning how to thrive in life's humbling circumstances. Carr has a casual, friendly writing style that makes her sound like a friend sitting across from you at the kitchen table. There are no huge insights or epiphanies, but it is good to read different accounts of life experiences of others to help remind me what balance I need to maintain (since I have had my fair share of accumulating things to grieve over).