What do you think?
Rate this book
The Parenthood Dilemma: Procreation in the Age of Uncertainty
Our Culture Magazine Best Book of 2023
“Rushton's work is generous, thoughtful, and honest, taking care neither to romanticize nor to disparage the choice to become a parent.”
—Jenny Hamilton, Booklist (starred review)
A bold feminist investigation into the mother of all questions; whether or not to become a parent in these turbulent times.
Should we become parents?
This timeless question forces us to reckon with who we are and what we love and fear most in ourselves, in our relationships, and in the world as it is now and as it will be.
When Gina Rushton admitted she had little time left to make the decision for herself, the magnitude of the choice overwhelmed her. Her search for her own “yes” or “no” only uncovered more questions to be answered. How do we clearly consider creating a new life on a planet facing catastrophic climate change? How do we reassess the gender roles we have been assigned at birth and by society? How do we balance ascending careers with declining fertility? How do we know if we’ve found the right co-parent, or if we want to go it alone, or if we don’t want to do it at all?
To seek clarity on these questions, Rushton spoke to doctors, sociologists, economists, and ethicists, as well as parents and childless people of all ages and from around the world. Here, she explores and presents policies, data, and case studies from people who have made this decision—one way or the other—and shows how the process can be revelatory in discovering who we are as individuals.
Drawing on the depth of knowledge afforded by her body of work as an award-winning journalist on the abortion beat, Rushton wrote the book that she needed, and we all need, to stop a panicked internal monologue and start a genuine dialogue about what we want from our lives and why.
“Rushton's work is generous, thoughtful, and honest, taking care neither to romanticize nor to disparage the choice to become a parent.”
—Jenny Hamilton, Booklist (starred review)
A bold feminist investigation into the mother of all questions; whether or not to become a parent in these turbulent times.
Should we become parents?
This timeless question forces us to reckon with who we are and what we love and fear most in ourselves, in our relationships, and in the world as it is now and as it will be.
When Gina Rushton admitted she had little time left to make the decision for herself, the magnitude of the choice overwhelmed her. Her search for her own “yes” or “no” only uncovered more questions to be answered. How do we clearly consider creating a new life on a planet facing catastrophic climate change? How do we reassess the gender roles we have been assigned at birth and by society? How do we balance ascending careers with declining fertility? How do we know if we’ve found the right co-parent, or if we want to go it alone, or if we don’t want to do it at all?
To seek clarity on these questions, Rushton spoke to doctors, sociologists, economists, and ethicists, as well as parents and childless people of all ages and from around the world. Here, she explores and presents policies, data, and case studies from people who have made this decision—one way or the other—and shows how the process can be revelatory in discovering who we are as individuals.
Drawing on the depth of knowledge afforded by her body of work as an award-winning journalist on the abortion beat, Rushton wrote the book that she needed, and we all need, to stop a panicked internal monologue and start a genuine dialogue about what we want from our lives and why.
217 pages, Kindle Edition
Published September 5, 2023
48 people are currently reading
1858 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 55 reviews
May 1, 2023
"I can’t find a template for an ambivalent woman."
I enjoyed this well-organised and well-articulated examination of what it means to be a modern mother and parent. Rushton uses each chapter to consider different factors in what is a life changing choice for anyone, whether that choice is to have a child or not. Being around the author’s age and thinking about these things myself, this book stands out to me among others about this subject because it is topical and takes into account the aftermath of the pandemic and the present state of the climate crisis, is rich and well-written, and most importantly for me, I identified with the
feeling of ambivalence and wondering why career or children are often presented as the only two potential life paths that shape who we become.
I received an ARC of this novel through NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
I enjoyed this well-organised and well-articulated examination of what it means to be a modern mother and parent. Rushton uses each chapter to consider different factors in what is a life changing choice for anyone, whether that choice is to have a child or not. Being around the author’s age and thinking about these things myself, this book stands out to me among others about this subject because it is topical and takes into account the aftermath of the pandemic and the present state of the climate crisis, is rich and well-written, and most importantly for me, I identified with the
feeling of ambivalence and wondering why career or children are often presented as the only two potential life paths that shape who we become.
I received an ARC of this novel through NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
September 13, 2023
Fucking loved that one. So nuanced, so well-researched. Incredible work of journalism. Moving. Informative. Definitely provided me with some answers on (un)decisions around parenthood. Highly recommend.
December 2, 2025
This book was released about a week ago. The intro started off super strong with the author voicing a lot of the concerns and internal debates I've been having in the last few years about parenthood, the future, the present, climate, gender, and life generally. A couple great quotes from the intro:
“I am a member of a generation that often feels impotent in the face of endless uncertainty. The question of children thrusts us into a time beyond now, demanding we come up with more than whatever gets us through the present, while the only assurance we’ve had about what lies ahead is that it will be worse.”
“The childfree women I know have already tasted motherhood. We have given unconditional love, care, domestic and emotional work to those around us, including partners, for our entire adult lives.”
The first chapter focused on abortion, and it didn’t really teach me anything I didn’t already know - I feel like I’m pretty well-versed on the topic, but not exceptionally so. The second chapter was about reproductive justice, which again, I am not a special expert in though do have a general interest in, and I was also already pretty familiar with the majority of the info that was covered here (though I appreciated the main point, which is that the assumption that all women are pressured into having children is a very white perspective in the face of the historical reality of forced sterilization and medical racism). I guess in order to be comprehensive/contextual, these chapters were important, but I could have done without them since they didn't do much that was new (to me).
The third chapter is about work, the thesis essentially being that loving your work may seem like a potential path for fulfillment, but this is often a false promise. This chapter echoed some of the main points discussed in Arlie Hochschild's The Managed Heart (1979) and in Sarah Jaffe's more recent Work Won't Love You Back (2021), e.g., that "doing what you love", monetizing your hobbies, "we're a family" company culture, etc., are pretty much always a neoliberal scam. I liked that the author, as an Australian, was able to point out that a lot of these problems are extra prominent in American work culture and not something that the rest of the world necessarily thinks is normal, and she connects this observation to the fact that American workplaces are also the providers of things that should ideally be independent of work - from free bagels and fitness centers to more fundamental needs like healthcare - making us extra incentived to equate our company with our family, our jobs with our passions, our work with our life. The chapter ends with the question: why does it still feel radical to admit that I might want a life that is centered around neither children nor a career?
Chapter 4, which covers emotional labor and the fact that many women in relationships with men are wary of motherhood because they are already de facto mothers to their male partners, was insightful. Chapter 5 was, of course, about climate change. Some takeaways were: if you have kids, they will NOT have the same life you had; the world WILL be more dangerous; one must grapple with the question of whether having children is an act of hope or of human sacrifice.
Chapter 6 was about fertility, a topic I haven’t honestly thought much about - and indeed, this was kind of the point of the chapter, that (in)fertility and miscarriage are still relatively taboo topics. There was some interesting discussion about race, queerness, and colonialism, and how the state and corporations gatekeep fertility options in harmful ways. It also touched briefly on some of the unethical aspects of the adoption system (though she could’ve spent more time on this topic IMO - I have friends considering private adoption and the system is really problematic and complicated). What I took away most from this chapter is that it just really sucks that women don’t have time to decide. At 28, I think I don’t want children, but what if, in twenty years, I do? A man can make that choice; I can’t.
The final chapter, called Inheritance, discusses the anxiety we as Millennials in particular have about reproducing the traumas that we inherited - or, alternatively, the desire to correct the mistakes in our own upbringing by doing it better than our parents did. This chapter asks a philosophical question that I have been grappling with lately - is everything, in fact, the parents’ fault? In the conclusion, she reflects on the nature of decision-making itself, on responsibility and control, on hope and despair.
Overall, I’m glad I read this, since I’ll read pretty much anything about questioning motherhood as a life choice in the era of climate change. But, I wouldn’t say I got a ton out of it that I hadn’t already read or thought about. Also, wouldn’t recommend the audiobook - the narrator mispronounced a lot of words and put odd emphasis on parts of sentences that made certain parts a little confusing.
“I am a member of a generation that often feels impotent in the face of endless uncertainty. The question of children thrusts us into a time beyond now, demanding we come up with more than whatever gets us through the present, while the only assurance we’ve had about what lies ahead is that it will be worse.”
“The childfree women I know have already tasted motherhood. We have given unconditional love, care, domestic and emotional work to those around us, including partners, for our entire adult lives.”
The first chapter focused on abortion, and it didn’t really teach me anything I didn’t already know - I feel like I’m pretty well-versed on the topic, but not exceptionally so. The second chapter was about reproductive justice, which again, I am not a special expert in though do have a general interest in, and I was also already pretty familiar with the majority of the info that was covered here (though I appreciated the main point, which is that the assumption that all women are pressured into having children is a very white perspective in the face of the historical reality of forced sterilization and medical racism). I guess in order to be comprehensive/contextual, these chapters were important, but I could have done without them since they didn't do much that was new (to me).
The third chapter is about work, the thesis essentially being that loving your work may seem like a potential path for fulfillment, but this is often a false promise. This chapter echoed some of the main points discussed in Arlie Hochschild's The Managed Heart (1979) and in Sarah Jaffe's more recent Work Won't Love You Back (2021), e.g., that "doing what you love", monetizing your hobbies, "we're a family" company culture, etc., are pretty much always a neoliberal scam. I liked that the author, as an Australian, was able to point out that a lot of these problems are extra prominent in American work culture and not something that the rest of the world necessarily thinks is normal, and she connects this observation to the fact that American workplaces are also the providers of things that should ideally be independent of work - from free bagels and fitness centers to more fundamental needs like healthcare - making us extra incentived to equate our company with our family, our jobs with our passions, our work with our life. The chapter ends with the question: why does it still feel radical to admit that I might want a life that is centered around neither children nor a career?
Chapter 4, which covers emotional labor and the fact that many women in relationships with men are wary of motherhood because they are already de facto mothers to their male partners, was insightful. Chapter 5 was, of course, about climate change. Some takeaways were: if you have kids, they will NOT have the same life you had; the world WILL be more dangerous; one must grapple with the question of whether having children is an act of hope or of human sacrifice.
Chapter 6 was about fertility, a topic I haven’t honestly thought much about - and indeed, this was kind of the point of the chapter, that (in)fertility and miscarriage are still relatively taboo topics. There was some interesting discussion about race, queerness, and colonialism, and how the state and corporations gatekeep fertility options in harmful ways. It also touched briefly on some of the unethical aspects of the adoption system (though she could’ve spent more time on this topic IMO - I have friends considering private adoption and the system is really problematic and complicated). What I took away most from this chapter is that it just really sucks that women don’t have time to decide. At 28, I think I don’t want children, but what if, in twenty years, I do? A man can make that choice; I can’t.
The final chapter, called Inheritance, discusses the anxiety we as Millennials in particular have about reproducing the traumas that we inherited - or, alternatively, the desire to correct the mistakes in our own upbringing by doing it better than our parents did. This chapter asks a philosophical question that I have been grappling with lately - is everything, in fact, the parents’ fault? In the conclusion, she reflects on the nature of decision-making itself, on responsibility and control, on hope and despair.
Overall, I’m glad I read this, since I’ll read pretty much anything about questioning motherhood as a life choice in the era of climate change. But, I wouldn’t say I got a ton out of it that I hadn’t already read or thought about. Also, wouldn’t recommend the audiobook - the narrator mispronounced a lot of words and put odd emphasis on parts of sentences that made certain parts a little confusing.
April 27, 2025
i came across this book right after having a conversation with my sisters about parenthood, motherhood and having children. they seemed pretty set on having at least one or two children and it was an enlightening conversation. gina articulates a lot of my feelings within the introduction, the visceral doubt one can feel despite knowing what decision feels best and right for you. contrary to the author, the climate crisis honestly has close to nothing to do with my decision and while she acknowledges her social privileges as a middle class white woman, i feel like my perspective differs drastically. nonetheless, her writing was engaging and she relayed very important narratives.
here are some parts that stood out to me:
"even if i was made of mother material, i would not volunteer for a position so chronically devalued."
"i am a member of a generation that often feels impotent in the face of uncertainty." - interesting use of the word 'impotent' here when not used in the context of fertility.
"...in considering whether to make an irreversible decision to have a child, we are often considering an investment in the longevity in dynamics we have spent years questioning...the childfree women i know have already tasted motherhood, we have given unconditional love, care, domestic and emotional work to those around us, including partners, for our entire adult lives. i am not the first dutiful daughter to resist the specter of maternal responsibility..."
"how do we find symmetry in care and in communication that feels sustainable enough to hold a third human? how do we do so without expending more of the work we are weary from, at a time where we are often asking one person to give us what an entire village used to provide? i want to name what we should expect from our partners and what we have failed to build in our other relationships, including, and the one we have with ourselves."
"why would anyone become a mother? not a woman with a child but a mother. as i was led to believe, she should be infinitely nourishing, serene, soft, sweet, without anger, without needs, without self and later, as she was revised, with a meaningful career."
"i need to know precisely what i am saying no to...how thankless parenthood would be. i am wary of romanticizing the unpaid work of parenthood...you can idealize something without valuing it."
"...reconsidering what lives i might live if i move beyond defining myself through any form of labour. i want to fantasize about the space between the myths of woman as womb and woman as worker, to consider a life where my purpose is tied to neither. i want to consider a life where my identity is not contingent on the labour my body produces in reproduction or production." - THIS! when i think about a childfree life, i don't imagine myself in a career i love either; i imagine myself starting each day anew, tending to a warm coffee and carefully refilling the birdfeeder on my porch, walking to the library, shoveling snow off the sidewalks, visiting my parents, babysitting my nieces and nephews, the list is endless! i want my life to be full of love and i don't see work or children as fulfilling or meaningful parts of it.
"i just want a conviction that feels enduring enough to confront fear as i feel it."
"motherhood felt like a mirage, unreachable to a woman like me, even if i should want it."
"i wanted to understand why i felt pregnancy and parenthood would interfere with the place my body occupies in the world."
"i am a husk, filled mostly with all i want to do for the people i love. it would be chic to quietly emanate love like moonlight; a coy glow settling on the rooftops of your dearest as they fall asleep, a comforting presence they know to be there if they look for it."
"without the work, love remains a presumption, distant, rarely visited, hanging silently above us in the night sky."
"it has helped rebrand exhaustion as a status symbol that tells the world you are needed, you are skilled and you are special. the devotion must be unwavering. after all, ideal love is nothing if not constant."
"the worse work gets, and the less we are paid to do it, the more meaningful we are told it should be...like motherhood?"
"the risk is just enormous, maybe i'm a coward."
"if respite is not defeat and rest is not death, then being average at something is permissible."
"i want to deconstruct myself as a worker...pursuing mediocrity in each part of my life...love does not begin as labour and it exists beyond it."
"i understand that parental love should be unconditional, and that the care of a child can be unrelenting and unreciprocated and go unrecognized...i expect a child needs you to communicate patiently and intuit their needs attentively." - yup, and i can't be 'on' like this 24/7
"the partner who is already more likely to do the majority of household labour became the partner more likely to take on the bulk of care and communication. the one who then not only became the human list, calendar, alarm, diary, schedule, reminder, booking system, archive, and point of contact for the partner and any potential offspring, was also the person who must start and finish hard conversations. managing your partner's emotions, anticipating needs, pre-empting displeasure and keeping the peace is something women are taught to accept as their duty from an early age...dating a man is just micro dosing motherhood." stooppp this is so real
"'do you love spending time with you niece and nephew?' 'yes! so much! and i enjoy handing them back'"
"i was a uterus, an invisible site of unfertilized potential...in every relationship with a man, i learned that i am not infinite as i'd learned mothers must be. i discovered that my reluctance to cause men discomfort, to trust that they will survive my boundaries, to have my own needs and then express them clearly does not make for honest or equal relationships. only a child thrives out of care that is given out of obligation, and i want to believe that most men are not boys." - that last sentence sticks with me.
"you're more likely to get an interviewee who is a man to tell you how he feels about something by asking him what he thinks about it." - i will be using this technique in my conversations with men and especially ones in the family. language is so important and this subtle approach might change things on a larger scale.
"this sense that your value is in your output, not in your personhood feeds the comparison to mothering-a child needs the care of his parents but is rarely interested in their inner life." - oof
"i sense it in myself some days, the feeling that there is nothing to be done, and that feeling, no matter how fleeting, feels completely incompatible with having a child."
"single women are still categorized as socially rather than medically infertile."
"if you don't know whether your desire has a beginning, how do you fathom its end?"
"ultimately, the more people that love a child, the better and i think that is something that we culturally don't acknowledge enough."
"since i first decided to prevent motherhood, my relationship to desire itself had shifted. throughout my twenties, my desire was incrementally defined in relation, but more often in reaction, to what i found i did not want...no after no after no, i scorched the earth and set a low bar above it...fertility forces us to sit with shades of 'perhaps', 'maybe', 'hopefully', 'hopefully not'."
"but then you shout at your own child and if you can do that, you must be a terrible person. before you had kids, you are allowed to think you are a good person so then you secretly resent them for making you realize you're actually a monster."
"i worried that meant that i can only empathize with suffering that looked like mine...i understood the lack of faith in your ability to best parent children who are nothing like us, who do not suffer or find joy in the ways that we do, who might live in a way that is antithetical to our values, who might cause harm to others...i think it is wanting to know you could love a child unconditionally even if they're different from you."
"good parents are now more than ever defined by how accepting they are and less by historical measures of raising obedient and well-behaved children...there has been a deep, tectonic shift in parenting that leaves parents feeling like failures despite spending more time with their children than previous generations."
"there is something fragile about an identity forged only through personal choices. we collapse our connections to other humans into ourselves, an isolating process of dicing ourselves into smaller pieces that the world as we know it depends on. this individualizing, this withdrawing into ourselves, is one of the reasons i first saw motherhood as unattainable for me, the formulization of so many relationships."
"i feel swollen with other people's decisions, my own feelings diluted."
"maybe i'm just a selfish prick but i want to be able to dictate my own life direction and not be so worried that i am running a small person's life and have someone else dependent on me. i want to have enough time and energy to spend on my loved ones and their children and still go home to my own bed."
here are some parts that stood out to me:
"even if i was made of mother material, i would not volunteer for a position so chronically devalued."
"i am a member of a generation that often feels impotent in the face of uncertainty." - interesting use of the word 'impotent' here when not used in the context of fertility.
"...in considering whether to make an irreversible decision to have a child, we are often considering an investment in the longevity in dynamics we have spent years questioning...the childfree women i know have already tasted motherhood, we have given unconditional love, care, domestic and emotional work to those around us, including partners, for our entire adult lives. i am not the first dutiful daughter to resist the specter of maternal responsibility..."
"how do we find symmetry in care and in communication that feels sustainable enough to hold a third human? how do we do so without expending more of the work we are weary from, at a time where we are often asking one person to give us what an entire village used to provide? i want to name what we should expect from our partners and what we have failed to build in our other relationships, including, and the one we have with ourselves."
"why would anyone become a mother? not a woman with a child but a mother. as i was led to believe, she should be infinitely nourishing, serene, soft, sweet, without anger, without needs, without self and later, as she was revised, with a meaningful career."
"i need to know precisely what i am saying no to...how thankless parenthood would be. i am wary of romanticizing the unpaid work of parenthood...you can idealize something without valuing it."
"...reconsidering what lives i might live if i move beyond defining myself through any form of labour. i want to fantasize about the space between the myths of woman as womb and woman as worker, to consider a life where my purpose is tied to neither. i want to consider a life where my identity is not contingent on the labour my body produces in reproduction or production." - THIS! when i think about a childfree life, i don't imagine myself in a career i love either; i imagine myself starting each day anew, tending to a warm coffee and carefully refilling the birdfeeder on my porch, walking to the library, shoveling snow off the sidewalks, visiting my parents, babysitting my nieces and nephews, the list is endless! i want my life to be full of love and i don't see work or children as fulfilling or meaningful parts of it.
"i just want a conviction that feels enduring enough to confront fear as i feel it."
"motherhood felt like a mirage, unreachable to a woman like me, even if i should want it."
"i wanted to understand why i felt pregnancy and parenthood would interfere with the place my body occupies in the world."
"i am a husk, filled mostly with all i want to do for the people i love. it would be chic to quietly emanate love like moonlight; a coy glow settling on the rooftops of your dearest as they fall asleep, a comforting presence they know to be there if they look for it."
"without the work, love remains a presumption, distant, rarely visited, hanging silently above us in the night sky."
"it has helped rebrand exhaustion as a status symbol that tells the world you are needed, you are skilled and you are special. the devotion must be unwavering. after all, ideal love is nothing if not constant."
"the worse work gets, and the less we are paid to do it, the more meaningful we are told it should be...like motherhood?"
"the risk is just enormous, maybe i'm a coward."
"if respite is not defeat and rest is not death, then being average at something is permissible."
"i want to deconstruct myself as a worker...pursuing mediocrity in each part of my life...love does not begin as labour and it exists beyond it."
"i understand that parental love should be unconditional, and that the care of a child can be unrelenting and unreciprocated and go unrecognized...i expect a child needs you to communicate patiently and intuit their needs attentively." - yup, and i can't be 'on' like this 24/7
"the partner who is already more likely to do the majority of household labour became the partner more likely to take on the bulk of care and communication. the one who then not only became the human list, calendar, alarm, diary, schedule, reminder, booking system, archive, and point of contact for the partner and any potential offspring, was also the person who must start and finish hard conversations. managing your partner's emotions, anticipating needs, pre-empting displeasure and keeping the peace is something women are taught to accept as their duty from an early age...dating a man is just micro dosing motherhood." stooppp this is so real
"'do you love spending time with you niece and nephew?' 'yes! so much! and i enjoy handing them back'"
"i was a uterus, an invisible site of unfertilized potential...in every relationship with a man, i learned that i am not infinite as i'd learned mothers must be. i discovered that my reluctance to cause men discomfort, to trust that they will survive my boundaries, to have my own needs and then express them clearly does not make for honest or equal relationships. only a child thrives out of care that is given out of obligation, and i want to believe that most men are not boys." - that last sentence sticks with me.
"you're more likely to get an interviewee who is a man to tell you how he feels about something by asking him what he thinks about it." - i will be using this technique in my conversations with men and especially ones in the family. language is so important and this subtle approach might change things on a larger scale.
"this sense that your value is in your output, not in your personhood feeds the comparison to mothering-a child needs the care of his parents but is rarely interested in their inner life." - oof
"i sense it in myself some days, the feeling that there is nothing to be done, and that feeling, no matter how fleeting, feels completely incompatible with having a child."
"single women are still categorized as socially rather than medically infertile."
"if you don't know whether your desire has a beginning, how do you fathom its end?"
"ultimately, the more people that love a child, the better and i think that is something that we culturally don't acknowledge enough."
"since i first decided to prevent motherhood, my relationship to desire itself had shifted. throughout my twenties, my desire was incrementally defined in relation, but more often in reaction, to what i found i did not want...no after no after no, i scorched the earth and set a low bar above it...fertility forces us to sit with shades of 'perhaps', 'maybe', 'hopefully', 'hopefully not'."
"but then you shout at your own child and if you can do that, you must be a terrible person. before you had kids, you are allowed to think you are a good person so then you secretly resent them for making you realize you're actually a monster."
"i worried that meant that i can only empathize with suffering that looked like mine...i understood the lack of faith in your ability to best parent children who are nothing like us, who do not suffer or find joy in the ways that we do, who might live in a way that is antithetical to our values, who might cause harm to others...i think it is wanting to know you could love a child unconditionally even if they're different from you."
"good parents are now more than ever defined by how accepting they are and less by historical measures of raising obedient and well-behaved children...there has been a deep, tectonic shift in parenting that leaves parents feeling like failures despite spending more time with their children than previous generations."
"there is something fragile about an identity forged only through personal choices. we collapse our connections to other humans into ourselves, an isolating process of dicing ourselves into smaller pieces that the world as we know it depends on. this individualizing, this withdrawing into ourselves, is one of the reasons i first saw motherhood as unattainable for me, the formulization of so many relationships."
"i feel swollen with other people's decisions, my own feelings diluted."
"maybe i'm just a selfish prick but i want to be able to dictate my own life direction and not be so worried that i am running a small person's life and have someone else dependent on me. i want to have enough time and energy to spend on my loved ones and their children and still go home to my own bed."
![Profile Image for Amy [adleilareads].](/_next/image?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.gr-assets.com%2Fimages%2FS%2Fcompressed.photo.goodreads.com%2Fusers%2F1652548137i%2F91470664._UY200_CR0%2C0%2C200%2C200_.jpg&w=128&q=75)
November 11, 2023
I found this resonated with me so much.
It looks into the dilemma of whether we should have children with the current state of the world, looking into: reproductive rights and justice, work, emotional labour, the climate crisis, fertility and inheritance.
“No one these days can consider having children without confronting the unavoidable cost of raising them.”
“Growing a family during a time when houses in our city cost six times the average salary, not more than fifteen as they do now.”
It raised so many great points, basing most of the data from Australia but also pulling in some from the UK and the US. I still found it wholly relevant and it reassured me that I’m not the only one having these doubts.
It looks into the dilemma of whether we should have children with the current state of the world, looking into: reproductive rights and justice, work, emotional labour, the climate crisis, fertility and inheritance.
“No one these days can consider having children without confronting the unavoidable cost of raising them.”
“Growing a family during a time when houses in our city cost six times the average salary, not more than fifteen as they do now.”
It raised so many great points, basing most of the data from Australia but also pulling in some from the UK and the US. I still found it wholly relevant and it reassured me that I’m not the only one having these doubts.
November 14, 2024
Oh man, lots to unpack here. I gave this book a low rating because it’s nonfiction and I kinda skimmed through it. I read it because I’m thinking about parenthood and there was a quote from this book in a New Yorker article I liked. Author is basically struggling with being a mother in a dying world. She’s got some resentment for her own mother, but in the end reconciles with her. Struggling with the idea of being a mom so that’s also why I wanted to read.
December 19, 2025
Really glad I stuck this one out. Front is quite heavy with Australia centric reproductive law, but the chapters after are exactly what I was looking for. A heartfelt, emotional, and open-handed deep dive into all the questions we ask ourselves before having kids.
August 21, 2023
Stunning and heartbreaking book - picked this up because my parenthood morality problems are mostly climate based (and there is a whole chapter on this) but there’s also so much more. Fertility, abortion, emotional labor and careering, things you need to think about even before having the idea to conceive. So well written and it had to have taken a lot of heart and hard work to put all of these stories of different people together
April 17, 2024
“I want to consider a life in which my identity is not contingent on the labor my body produces in reproduction or production”
should i become a parent? it's a question I've asked myself much more than I thought I would at the age of 24 (almost 25). I find myself thinking about it, weighing up the pros and cons, even though I don't see myself having children at all for at least ten years, or at all. Like many people, I think, I find it hard to project myself into this world.
Gina Rushton explores the question of parenthood through the prism of reproductive rights, reproductive justice, work, emotional labor, climate change, fertility and inheritance, and brings many perspectives that I hadn't even thought of. She raises a number of points that are not intended to provide a clear, universal answer to the question of parenthood, but more to bring material to the individual conflicted debate we might all be having.
I was particularly struck by the part about the climate. for me, it would be the main factor in deciding whether or not to have children one day.
I found the chapter on abortion rights instructive, well-researched and essential. As a journalist on reproductive rights, she brings a lot of examples that made me realize how privileged I am to even think about the question of parenthood, and to have the choice/right to abort if I wish. Making the choice of parenthood is also and above having the choice to have an abortion, or not, and being able to do so in my own country.
Rushton explores all aspects of parenthood, and it's reassuring to have a testimonial that proves I'm not the only one asking myself all these questions. too many questions hanging in the air, too many factors to take into account, choosing whether or not to have children makes your head spin. This book is a first step towards answering these questions; it's a key to understanding, an observation, but by no means a binary answer to the question of parenthood. It's up to each of us to find our own way through the heap of questions, doubts and fears.
should i become a parent? it's a question I've asked myself much more than I thought I would at the age of 24 (almost 25). I find myself thinking about it, weighing up the pros and cons, even though I don't see myself having children at all for at least ten years, or at all. Like many people, I think, I find it hard to project myself into this world.
Gina Rushton explores the question of parenthood through the prism of reproductive rights, reproductive justice, work, emotional labor, climate change, fertility and inheritance, and brings many perspectives that I hadn't even thought of. She raises a number of points that are not intended to provide a clear, universal answer to the question of parenthood, but more to bring material to the individual conflicted debate we might all be having.
I was particularly struck by the part about the climate. for me, it would be the main factor in deciding whether or not to have children one day.
I found the chapter on abortion rights instructive, well-researched and essential. As a journalist on reproductive rights, she brings a lot of examples that made me realize how privileged I am to even think about the question of parenthood, and to have the choice/right to abort if I wish. Making the choice of parenthood is also and above having the choice to have an abortion, or not, and being able to do so in my own country.
Rushton explores all aspects of parenthood, and it's reassuring to have a testimonial that proves I'm not the only one asking myself all these questions. too many questions hanging in the air, too many factors to take into account, choosing whether or not to have children makes your head spin. This book is a first step towards answering these questions; it's a key to understanding, an observation, but by no means a binary answer to the question of parenthood. It's up to each of us to find our own way through the heap of questions, doubts and fears.
June 12, 2024
Wow. I knew I would never get an “answer” regarding one of the biggest questions I have asked myself in the last couple of years, but this book was a journey I needed to take. There are anecdotes, statistics, references that confirm all my worst fears. And yet - you come out of the end with a sense of serenity and hope.
May 17, 2024
Recommend for anyone with complex feelings about the prospect of having children in a time of...everything...
January 9, 2025
I picked up this book when my husband and I were exploring a new bookstore on a trip to Indianapolis. Over the past year, we’ve really been exploring the question of kids—not necessarily because either of us doesn’t want them, but more because of the curveballs life has thrown (thx cancer) and what it means for family planning. So stumbling on this book felt well timed to examine other factors about becoming a parent in today’s world.
It’s very clear the author wrote this book as a way to explore whether or not she wants to take on motherhood. She’s honest about her positionality and so the book centers around topics most relevant to her—focused mostly on US/UK/AUS, what it means to be a millennial parent, etc—so it shouldn’t be approached as a comprehensive look across various types of people approaching motherhood, though through her interviews she did include some other perspectives (for example, queer experiences of family planning).
Anyway, as for my take, I’d say it was interesting and there were a few points that I’ll take away, but overall I felt like the topics she explored were topics I’ve already approached. That’s not the author’s fault but I think indicates that if you’re just starting to consider motherhood, this book might be better timed at the beginning of that journey rather than after you’ve been in it for a while.
It’s very clear the author wrote this book as a way to explore whether or not she wants to take on motherhood. She’s honest about her positionality and so the book centers around topics most relevant to her—focused mostly on US/UK/AUS, what it means to be a millennial parent, etc—so it shouldn’t be approached as a comprehensive look across various types of people approaching motherhood, though through her interviews she did include some other perspectives (for example, queer experiences of family planning).
Anyway, as for my take, I’d say it was interesting and there were a few points that I’ll take away, but overall I felt like the topics she explored were topics I’ve already approached. That’s not the author’s fault but I think indicates that if you’re just starting to consider motherhood, this book might be better timed at the beginning of that journey rather than after you’ve been in it for a while.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 6, 2024
"I want to consider a life in which my identity is not contingent on the labor my body produces in reproduction or production.”
I have been grappling with the concept of motherhood and parenthood for years. I have had my struggles and fear with fertility but at the end of the day, I still had a choice. However, today that choice was decided for me by the American people.
I woke up (didn’t sleep) to finish this book to distract myself from the horror that was this election. I am truly unbelievably heartbroken.
I have been grappling with the concept of motherhood and parenthood for years. I have had my struggles and fear with fertility but at the end of the day, I still had a choice. However, today that choice was decided for me by the American people.
I woke up (didn’t sleep) to finish this book to distract myself from the horror that was this election. I am truly unbelievably heartbroken.
December 12, 2023
I enjoyed the interview/research aspect of this book. Though there were certainly great points of view from many experts, the entire book felt more like an inconclusive memoir. I would recommend this book to anyone who is unsure if they want kids, not for a sure answer but for the space to reflect on their own feelings. Overall I wished there was more research and less personal anecdotes but I still found value in exploring the question.
January 28, 2024
Surprised myself with this one! I don’t usually reach for books like this but the way so many people’s stories are woven into the themes/issues facing mothers was so thoughtful and enlightening. The question of whether or not to have children is so complicated and the depth and grace in how this question is explored is wonderful.
Also - managed not to get bored! I really couldn’t wait to read this as the end of the day.
Also - managed not to get bored! I really couldn’t wait to read this as the end of the day.
May 29, 2024
I was pleasantly surprised by how nuanced this book was despite being only 200 pages. It’s unapologetically feminist while also directing readers to be mindful of those who can feel othered by “catchphrase” feminism: for example, families who sincerely want children and are struggling to conceive, and people of color who have traditionally been targets of now-respected family planning organizations that had eugenics influencing their origins. I also thought the chapter on emotional labor was very strong. It was a really thought-provoking book, even to someone who like me who will never personally be involved in the kinds of decisions and conversations the author talks about.
August 28, 2025
Very nuanced, well written analysis of the myriads of factors that go into thinking about motherhood, from reproductive justice or climate change to inheritance to bare minimum partners to capitalistic feminism. I have had every single thought articulated in this book, and though I am not any closer to knowing what path I would choose, I am now at least comforted by the fact that a lot of people with uteri feel the way I do about modern motherhood.
August 31, 2025
yeah this solidified that i am destined to be the cool lesbian aunt and not a mom
February 5, 2025
i think this book is a solid 3.75 stars. it really helps to paint a more complete picture about the current state of the world and the complex factors surrounding bringing a new life into it, but doesn’t come close to answering the question, which isn’t what i was expecting anyway. it just helps to make the question more clear, or rather, helps me ask the right questions around the debate of motherhood.
for some reason, i think what also helps is that the author herself has decided to remain child-free after writing this book, which lets me know that this book isn’t a justification to go and have a child anyway because “all humans can do is hope for a better future”. the decision to not be a parent is an act of love as well.
for some reason, i think what also helps is that the author herself has decided to remain child-free after writing this book, which lets me know that this book isn’t a justification to go and have a child anyway because “all humans can do is hope for a better future”. the decision to not be a parent is an act of love as well.
June 13, 2024
I'll admit that I almost DNFed this book. For a journalist, Rushton ignores the K.I.S.S. principle when it comes to sentence construction. Comma splices, dangling modifiers, and sentences held by fraught conjunctions abound. Some examples:
"Sally talks about the idea of the life she wants to lead and she looks momentarily dazed before she says softly,"
"In love, we find who we are, in devotion we express it."
"As a child I thought she was a woman who chose architecture over children but I see now she chose many things instead."
These instances were constant and distracting; The Parenthood Dilemma needed a much, much better line editor. With that being said, however, the actual content of the book gets stronger as the chapters go on.
Rushton interrogates parenthood as more than just a personal choice, but also as a political right not everyone has equal access to. Readers who are invested in feminist ideology will be familiar with a lot of its talking points, but The Parenthood Dilemma is deeply researched and thoughtfully constructed. I appreciated how Rushton highlighted issues faced by Indigenous people when it comes to parental separation and forced sterilization; the clarity with which she links climate change and the ethical debate of bringing new life into the world; and criticism of how neoliberal feminism has sold the myth of finding true meaning in the workplace.
For a book about parenthood, I found discussions regarding adoption to not be present entirely.
The chapter on fertility, in general, felt incomplete. There was no interrogation of the ethics of one of the pathways to parenthood Rushton's subjects discuss: surrogacy. Given the ethical and legal implications of the industry, I was a bit disappointed to see that it was only presented at face value.
Clear-eyed but not cynical, political without being preachy, The Parenthood Dilemma will be a valuable read for anyone anxious—but yearning—for parenthood.
"Sally talks about the idea of the life she wants to lead and she looks momentarily dazed before she says softly,"
"In love, we find who we are, in devotion we express it."
"As a child I thought she was a woman who chose architecture over children but I see now she chose many things instead."
These instances were constant and distracting; The Parenthood Dilemma needed a much, much better line editor. With that being said, however, the actual content of the book gets stronger as the chapters go on.
Rushton interrogates parenthood as more than just a personal choice, but also as a political right not everyone has equal access to. Readers who are invested in feminist ideology will be familiar with a lot of its talking points, but The Parenthood Dilemma is deeply researched and thoughtfully constructed. I appreciated how Rushton highlighted issues faced by Indigenous people when it comes to parental separation and forced sterilization; the clarity with which she links climate change and the ethical debate of bringing new life into the world; and criticism of how neoliberal feminism has sold the myth of finding true meaning in the workplace.
For a book about parenthood, I found discussions regarding adoption to not be present entirely.
The chapter on fertility, in general, felt incomplete. There was no interrogation of the ethics of one of the pathways to parenthood Rushton's subjects discuss: surrogacy. Given the ethical and legal implications of the industry, I was a bit disappointed to see that it was only presented at face value.
Clear-eyed but not cynical, political without being preachy, The Parenthood Dilemma will be a valuable read for anyone anxious—but yearning—for parenthood.
December 18, 2025
This was well-organized and works through some really important topics like climate change, genes and traumas, and what you may feel your purpose in life is (work, parenthood, discovering yourself, a combination of these things), in order to make some decisions about being a parent.
These are all things I have thought about independently, but it was nice to see someone else having similar thoughts and experiences. The author does a great job of providing both perspectives. At no point did I feel a particular side was being pushed. I liked this.. but I was also frantically reading through the book for a solid answer on what to do. This book will not give you an answer, but it will provide research, musings, and personal accounts to help you think things through.
I did feel that at times the book would ramble off topic slightly, and the final chapter went on a bit too long. However, I know this might be a personal opinion because I was waiting for a clear sentence saying "[do/don't] have a child" and that never happens (as I knew it wouldn't.. but I secretly hoped).
If anything, this book gave me some great talking points to use should I decide to be child-free, while having some serious respect for people who become parents. It also reminded me that should I become a parent, I do not have to fall into the traditional mother role. I can parent how I want, I can have a partnership that supports my needs, and I can do what feels right for me.
These are all things I have thought about independently, but it was nice to see someone else having similar thoughts and experiences. The author does a great job of providing both perspectives. At no point did I feel a particular side was being pushed. I liked this.. but I was also frantically reading through the book for a solid answer on what to do. This book will not give you an answer, but it will provide research, musings, and personal accounts to help you think things through.
I did feel that at times the book would ramble off topic slightly, and the final chapter went on a bit too long. However, I know this might be a personal opinion because I was waiting for a clear sentence saying "[do/don't] have a child" and that never happens (as I knew it wouldn't.. but I secretly hoped).
If anything, this book gave me some great talking points to use should I decide to be child-free, while having some serious respect for people who become parents. It also reminded me that should I become a parent, I do not have to fall into the traditional mother role. I can parent how I want, I can have a partnership that supports my needs, and I can do what feels right for me.
December 31, 2024
Gotta say I'm surprised by some of the negative reviews of this book. Not because there's no room for criticism, but because I feel like it's pretty apparent the book isn't here to answer a question or to tell you what to do. It's a place for a mixture of research and journalism and personal thought processes and biases. I really appreciated how the author jumped from scientific studies (complete with acknowledgements of how some studies' findings may have been called into question) into much more personal, almost poetic sections. Also really appreciated a reproductive justice discussion that isn't centered on the US system. Serves as a great reminder that even every fully modernized country has nuanced fuckery when it comes to women's bodies.
This really made me think about a lot of different off-shoot topics surrounding parenthood and our current culture, and I think that's what it set out to do.
This really made me think about a lot of different off-shoot topics surrounding parenthood and our current culture, and I think that's what it set out to do.
October 6, 2023
As a marriage therapist I can say this book is a appalling and promotes an untrue/unfounded narrative that is both toxic and unhelpful in its goal of helping people find answers with the difficult question of ‘should I have kids’.
It’s funny (and disturbing) that the author talks about how religion is unhelpful and has its issues but has zero problem touting a pseudo religious cult-like narrative of “the big bad invisible patriarchy” as the problem.
I’m glad I was able to return the book so I don’t support this toxicity, and glad to know what book to reccomend avoiding for married couples seeking unbiased help with this issue.
It’s funny (and disturbing) that the author talks about how religion is unhelpful and has its issues but has zero problem touting a pseudo religious cult-like narrative of “the big bad invisible patriarchy” as the problem.
I’m glad I was able to return the book so I don’t support this toxicity, and glad to know what book to reccomend avoiding for married couples seeking unbiased help with this issue.
December 31, 2024
This book is fabulous, well-researched and written, humorous, engaging, moving. I found the book relatable as a millennial woman who has grappled with these questions and topics, and validating in seeing my concerns written on page in another’s voice.
The audiobook was lovely and engaging as well.
The book mostly interviewed folks in hetero relationships, with a sprinkling of consideration to folks in queer relationships. More could have been said in this regard.
Recommend. For those considering having children, who are thoughtful about the idea to or to not have children, or those who want a lens into a millennial’s confrontation to the question of having children.
The audiobook was lovely and engaging as well.
The book mostly interviewed folks in hetero relationships, with a sprinkling of consideration to folks in queer relationships. More could have been said in this regard.
Recommend. For those considering having children, who are thoughtful about the idea to or to not have children, or those who want a lens into a millennial’s confrontation to the question of having children.
February 18, 2024
a marvellous book addressing many of the anxieties which can plague our individual decision to bring new life into a world crippled by climate emergency & bound by restrictive reproductive legislation. Touching upon everything from infertility, emotional labor, climate crisis & mental illness inheritance, Gina has pulled together a moving piece of informative journalism which balances jarring historical facts and quotes with fragments of her own experience, as well as stories from the mouths of many more woman who have suffered with the complexities which come with considering to raise a child in today’s society. If you have ever wanted to read something which echos those very same concerns which have held you back from feeling any sense of maternal instinct, then this is certainly the book for you 🫶🏻
March 25, 2024
Has a lot of great research covering almost too many subjects. But the author overuses dramatic metaphors and uses her personal response as the main summary of multiple threads of thought. There's a lot of thoughts but not much overarching wisdom for readers who are genuinely trying to answer the question for themselves. She herself admits at the end that the decision to have a child or not is not one that can be determined by facts and logic.
April 5, 2024
A gorgeously written book that's part memoir, part culture study, part social history. This book was elevated beyond its peers due to the quality of the writing, particularly the metaphors and thoughtful, careful word choice. As someone who reads sociological books primarily from a US perspective, I also found the Australian perspective particularly interesting and I was able to learn a lot from this book. This book will stay with me for a long time. 5 stars.
February 3, 2024
Captivating exploration of parenthood challenges. The author skillfully delves into the complexities of parenting, offering insightful perspectives that resonate with authenticity. A must-read/ listen for anyone navigating the intricate journey of raising children.
I just stumbled over it on libby and decided to give it a try. It was nice and easy to listen to.
I just stumbled over it on libby and decided to give it a try. It was nice and easy to listen to.
May 14, 2024
This book deserves so much more attention! I read this in one sitting because I couldn't put it down. It's so well researched and the writing is very engaging and thought provoking. I think anyone and everyone should read this book if you're looking to reflect on parenthood and the decision to become a parent or not.
May 31, 2024
Somehow I felt cheated that the author didn’t come down on a side for this. Not that someone writing about issues of parenthood has to to but I felt it was set up as her personal journey to a decision. Otherwise it was okay, particularly scary chapter about climate change but otherwise most chapters not hugely new news to me
Displaying 1 - 30 of 55 reviews