Advice to a Young Wife from An Old Mistress

by Michael Drury

A compendium of wisdom and insight on love and romance offers commentary on such topics as the value of exclusivity, the impact of money as power over sex, and the relationship between emotion and reason

Genres: Nonfiction, Romance, Self Help, Relationships

110 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1968

Reviews

[Sid Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

The problem with writing a review of a beautifully written book is how inadequate I feel as a writer after reading it. Part of this book talks about how words do injustice to certain experiences that are more "inner" or spiritual in nature and beyond words. This is one of those times.

This book is a gem. 110 pages of wisdom, and not just for women. It is reminiscent, in places, of the Tao Te Ching and Zen writings. The background is that the author met the speaker (an aging mistress) and was taken with her serene, self-confident spirit, and requested to interview her. The result is the book, as a narration by the mistress. The book is not erotica, nor is it a "how to please your man" book, although those things are somewhat inherent in the story. Instead, it is valuable advice to women about how to find and maintain their own identity and independence while in relationship, and how that creates a better relationship. She has great insight into what this man wants in a relationship, though I can't speak for all men. This is all told in a lyrical, quiet, and intelligent prose that feels romantic and full of life.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

a must read for all women, especially the ones with a tendency to lose themselves in relationships with men

[Thing Two · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I didn't own this already, I'd be on my way to purchase it. Excellent book. This may become my standard bride's gift, but is something each woman should read.

[DC · Rating 5 out of 5]

While the title (and the content) of this book may sound scandalous, at heart, this is a guidebook to becoming a woman. As a quote from the book goes, "One is born female, but being a woman is a personal accomplishment."

Advice to a Young Wife From an Old Mistress is a nonfiction book that draws from the experiences of a mistress to a married man. However, this book is not a titillating tale of lust and adventure; this is a thoughtful treatise on how a mistress lives in a restricting society, and the pain, allure, beauty and wisdom of being one despite that.

Interestingly, it does not condone the nature of adultery. As the book goes, "Being a mistress is on the whole rather inconvenient, bad for society, bad for one's creature aspects- children, a home, security, old age..." But also, it does not shy away from what it is and why people - men, in particular, at least for this book - engage in it. "... this inconvenience is part of its attraction."

The book has 5 chapters, and each discusses an interesting facet of a mistress's life. Yes, it includes love and sex, but it also goes deeper than that - talk of personality, of creativity, of reality. All of these are great notes for not only the young wives that this book was meant for, but also for women everywhere, especially those who feel lost in themselves and incomplete of being.

Overall, this was an eye-opening read for me, and reminded me of my own personal goals and perspectives when it comes to myself and my relationships. "You make yourself happy," as Matthew, the mistress's lover, pointed out. He then added, "I am simply part of it." The book drops little gems like that, all probably with one primary focus that a favorite blogger of mine summarized in a few words: be the empress of your own happiness, first and foremost.

I personally enjoyed savoring the thoughts of this old mistress, and I can see myself reading and rereading a couple of passages of this book every so often. It's thought-inducing material, and good reading for wives, mistresses, single ladies, and all women alike.

"When one is young, and a new wife, it is easy to forget that the first and last requirement is to be woman."

[Eve Dangerfield]

"If you would stay loved, stay a little strange."

"The crudest injury inflicted on love is administration."

"Society designates itself a third and far from silent partner in a marriage; if it condemns or ignores a liaison, at least it keeps its nose out. Thus a mistress is not constrained to catechize herself with being a "good" mistress; it is evident from the beginning that there is no such thing. She is herself, and that suffices or it does not. Marriage radically needs more of this public-be-damned attitude. A wife can too easily become occupied with proving the system right, and fitting herself into it, instead of giving her allegiance to the hearts that live within the framework, her own and her husband's."

"The cautious hedge themselves about with customs and plans and prefabricated diversions, and appeal to experts to certify that what they do is genuine living. But life is a deeper process, filled with the highly charged winds of paradox and truth and transfiguration, a willingness for tears, a sense of ending."

"Don't pretend you want love if what you truly want is safety."

Good lord what a book. Seriously, I could quote the whole thing. It's like...wall to wall quotes. I can't recommend it enough, truly beautiful words from a woman who was more woman than I can put into words. Unfortunately, AtaYWfaOM's not in print or available for purchase as an eBook (why???) , but I've ordered a secondhand paperback copy on Amazon and I read it by borrowing a copy on the Internet Archives website (though I had to read it in the browser). There might be a wait if you decide to borrow but it's so, so worth it. I know I'll be thinking about this one for a long, long time.

https://archive.org/details/advicetoy...

[Erryn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quote by anonymous review:
"Reading this book is like getting good advice from a close friend. Not only does the author have extremely good insight on relationships, but she also knows what it means to be happy in life whether you are by yourself or involved with another person. The most impressive facet of the book is that the author has realized that there is no one right way to live and thus manages to convey her ideas in such a way that no matter what the reader's mindset is at the outset, each and every person will leave the book with a slightly different and equally poignant message. Anyone in a serious relationship and considering questions about monogamy and lifetime committment should definitely read this book. I know that it will profoundly effect the way I approach my relationships in the future and I think its words will give more that just a few clues on the mysterious realms of love and happiness."

[Phil Mayes · Rating 5 out of 5]

On starting this book, I thought it was a parody of Victorian erotica, with a slow start before becoming salacious, but then I discovered both that it was non-fiction and that the author is female, and it became instead an extraordinary discourse on the nature of honesty. By being freed of the conventions and expectations of marriage and society, the mistress was able to live life on her own terms.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love love love this little book about love and relationships. Read it. Buy it. Get several copies for your friends.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Refreshingly honest, pleasantly complex little book about finding satisfaction and retaining individuality in modern relationships. I can't believe this was written half a century ago; every word in it holds true today.

The narrator, with the clarity of an outsider, rails eloquently against homogeneity, against consumer culture telling us how to behave as husbands and wives, against pathologizing our partners and our relationships. She urges us to deal with each other as individuals: "I sometimes think only lovers are free to love; husbands and wives are compressed into roles to be played but not truly lived." I personally know many marriages that fit this description. This mistress has some words of wisdom.

[Valerie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everything I would say to a young bride, or any woman ... Find Yourself! That's what makes you attractive!

[NYLon Carry On · Rating 1 out of 5]

Total crap

[niceu_a · Rating 4 out of 5]

written with as much skill and heart. superior writing.

[L. · Rating 3 out of 5]

The writer admits she's a bit Victorian and it shows in her proper verbiage and style. But she's quite a lady, I would have enjoyed meeting her and listening to her speak.
I was given this book by someone who thought it applied to me. All because my ex and I have been friends for over fifty years. If they had read the book they would understand why and how to keep love in a relationship. A loving relationship with a male is not always a sexual one.
Be a woman first.
Be yourself always.
Keep your individuality.
Live your life for yourself.
Remember that happiness comes from within.
Be kind.
Be gracious.
Remember all things come to an end.
We all die so make the best of each moment.
This book is so gently written, like listening to an old aunt's words of advice on relationships and life. There is no condemnation only wisdom. Beautiful prose.

[Sabina Colleran · Rating 4 out of 5]

If it hadn't been my last book in my reading challenge on 12/31 I would have spent more time with this. But as it is, such an interesting book. Fascinating and not always right but always thought provoking.

[Chloe Glynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting little book in a genre I'd not previously come across, this how-to confessional is just the right blend of simple honesty and womanly insight. For its author, I feel reserved admiration. By comparison with someone else's commentary, I was better able to contrast and consider my own opinions on love and romance so haphazardly collected in their practice.

[Nancy · Rating 1 out of 5]

I loved Counter Clockwise by the same author. Could not connect with this at all. To me, it does not hold up well with time.

[Andrew Lerasan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Prose is actually challenging lols but very insightful

[Jeremy Hornik · Rating 3 out of 5]

A short book, from the point of view of an old mistress, talking to a wife about relationships and happiness. Originally published in 1968, it speaks about the need to be one's own person in whatever relationship... and has a certain amount of realpolitik in describing the relations between men and women. Adultery exists, it says, and the mistress is less protected than the wife, but thus more self-reliant and living life more honestly. A bit dark, but ultimately hopeful about the possibility of redemptive love and joy.

[Greg Archer · Rating 5 out of 5]

"IF there is a secret to being loved, it lies in not having to have it." So says author Michael Drury, whose fascinating book was far ahead of its time. It remans relevant today and sou-searchers out there take note: if there is one book that will assist you in getting a clearer picture on what real love actually is and help you understand the inner workings of relationship, this is that book. Heartfelt and surprisingly revealing.

[Shailaja Shettigara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book is like getting advice from your best friend. Highly recommended for every girl. First read a snippet of this book in Readers Digest in the late 90s. A part of one chapter was published and it was seared into my soul! Circa 2004, this is the first book I ordered from Amazon.com.
Being very selective about books that I actually purchase; the fact that it has been with me over the years across my many moves says a lot.

[Donnovan Simon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book for me this year. A fantastic read. Reality, wit, truth and more important a base level honesty that is attractive and inspiring. Even as a man, the power of the perspectives brought home many things that would have otherwise eluded me were they wrapped in the typical theory and falsehood. Michael made sure that simplicity trumped all other forces to deliver a work everyone who ventures into marriage, whatever that means, should see as a must read.

[Nicole Labry]

I realize how bad the title sounds. I picked this up at my hair salon one day not too long ago and was too engrossed after reading a section out of the middle to leave it alone. I ended up buying a copy and I've been saving it thinking it will be a good one to bring to an all-girl book club that I (sporadically) belong to...

[Mary Karpel-Jergic · Rating 1 out of 5]

"Matthew once said to me, in a fit I suppose of home-grown annoyance, though I did not ask, 'if you ever want me to leave you, do housework'."

OMG! Enough said!

I wonder, is there an equivalent of this written by a man for a man!

Plus, the book sleeve by Marc Burckhardt, looks a rip off of a Georgia O'Keeffe painting.

[Claire Grasse · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stunning and wise and slim enough to read in one sitting. Full of observations on the nature of love, of what starves and kills love, and what causes it to flourish and to grow. I'll be recommending this to all my female friends.

[amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

The language is somewhat archaic, and goes in somewhat wild sociological tangents here and there, but not overly wordy.

[Inhabiting Books]

A fascinating book.

[ltNurseypants · Rating 5 out of 5]

loved it!

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's interesting to read the thoughts of someone who identifies herself as Victorian on love and marriage in the Mad Men era.

[Iris · Rating 3 out of 5]

Slightly insightful, but only just. She does an excellent job of articulating what I think most women already know and feel. Some points seemed a bit outdated in their thinking and beliefs, but that is to be expected.

You can tell that she has only the best of intentions with trying to help and guide the young women of the world, but she does come across as a bit preachy in parts. Even so, it should be a book that all women pick up, just to learn what past generations of wives and lovers have felt. 3/5