Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships

by Barb Winters

Distorted views of intimate relationships abound. Let's offer youth a better option.

Social media, television, and the Internet feed destructive information to tweens, teens, and young adults. Hookup culture, the acceptance of sending nudes, and rampant pornography contribute to unrealistic sexual expectations. At what cost?

Barb Winters addresses the heavy loads of anxiety, worry, and depression among young people. She offers practical advice for presenting healthier options. Today’s youth are eager, passionate, and impressionable. They look to parents, grandparents, youth leaders, and other trusted adults for direction. Sexpectations will help equip you to make a difference and be part of the solution.

- Discover factors contributing to the declining health of relationships.
- Examine consequences of a “casual sex is acceptable” societal attitude.
- Explore four foundational attributes of healthy relationships based on God’s love, selflessness, mutuality, and communication.
- Uncover biblical principles for healing from wounds caused by abnormal sexual behaviors.
- Find out how you and your child can restore, reconcile, and maintain healthy relationships.
- Learn how to have effective and ongoing conversations with the youth in your life about pornography, hookup culture, nudes, and God’s design for sex.

Genres: Relationships, Parenting

192 pages, Paperback

Published August 8, 2023

About the author

Although Barb’s been writing for over a decade, her passion for talking about online dangers was ignited after she and her husband learned their son was watching pornography. Because of their experience, she now writes to encourage and support parents, grandparents, educators, and leaders in this digital age.

Barb’s award-winning debut book, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, addresses the heavy loads of anxiety, worry, and depression young people experience because of cultural norms, social media, pornography, and other online information. Sexpectations offers practical advice for presenting healthier options to tweens, teens, and young adults.

As a Sexual Risk Avoidance Specialist and Lead Facilitator at E3 Family Solutions, Inc., Barb equips students to make healthy choices and empowers parents to aid their children. She also serves on anti-pornography committees, speaks at seminars, and advocates for human trafficking awareness.

Barb would love to speak at your next event. Visit the speaking page on her website for more information.

Connect with Barb at HopefulMom.net.

Reviews

[Ethan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sexuality and relationships remain significant issues for Christians to navigate, and all the more so in terms of raising children. For all of the heat of condemnation of sexual deviancy and obsession with all things sexuality, there is precious little light given in terms of how to well and actively encourage healthy sexuality among Christians (a major catalyst behind my upcoming theology of sexuality writing).

Barb Winters, a sister in Christ, has written a guidebook based on her own life experiences in Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships (galley received as part of early review program). She details, in broad strokes, how she grew up without the healthiest of understanding of relationships and sexuality and the trials and difficulties which attended it: a first marriage that ended, ability to enter into a second marriage and create a “blended” family, navigating how to overcome the traumas from the earlier relationships and developing a healthy relationship, and thus working to encourage her children in their understanding of sexuality and healthy relationships.

Much of the book centers on how one of the author’s sons developed and struggled with a pornography addiction/obsession (the author tends to use the former term; the latter may better reflect the reality) which led him toward isolating behaviors and which led to significant relational damage. The author describes how her son came to recognize the difficulties with his obsession and how he worked to resist it, the steps she and her son both took in order to heal and repair the relationship, and how he is working toward healthier relationships.

The author has a generally positive opinion of millennials and zoomers, and she has identified “hookup culture” and pervasive pornography as significant challenges they face. The challenge of pervasive pornography is certainly present, cannot be denied, and unfortunately, a struggle not a few Christians are presently losing without a whole lot of healthy resources at hand beyond the less-than-inspiring exhortation to just be and do better. I do not doubt “hookup culture” remains a thing and requiring addressing, but I have to wonder if the level of concern better reflects the conditions Generation X and the earlier millennials experienced in the 90s and 00s. It would seem the later millennials and zoomers are not nearly as physically sexually active as those who came before then, no doubt partially because of major parenting changes, but also no doubt because of pornography.

This is another one of those books in which the subtitle is far more accurate regarding the substance than the title, and focus on the title alone will lead the reader to not fully understand what the author is attempting to do. As a practical guide this work provides a lot of advice and ideas rooted in some experience for those seeking to encourage younger people to cultivate healthy relationships.

[Markie · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships" by Barb Winters is a timely and essential book that addresses the distorted views of intimate relationships prevalent in today's society. The author acknowledges the negative influence of social media, television, and the Internet, which contribute to destructive information being fed to tweens, teens, and young adults. From hookup culture to the acceptance of sending nudes and the widespread availability of pornography, young people face unrealistic sexual expectations, leading to serious consequences.

Barb Winters takes on the challenge of addressing the heavy burdens of anxiety, worry, and depression among the youth and provides practical advice for offering healthier alternatives. Understanding that today's youth are impressionable and seeking guidance, the book empowers parents, grandparents, youth leaders, and other trusted adults to become part of the solution.

The book delves into the factors responsible for the declining health of relationships in modern society and sheds light on the ramifications of accepting casual sex as a societal norm. Drawing from God's Word, Winters emphasizes four foundational attributes of healthy relationships: love, selflessness, mutuality, and communication. By grounding her advice in biblical principles, she provides a solid framework for healing from wounds caused by abnormal sexual behaviors.

The strength of "Sexpectations" lies in its practical approach, offering readers tangible ways to restore, reconcile, and maintain healthy relationships. Moreover, the book equips parents and guardians with the tools they need to have meaningful conversations with young people about challenging topics such as pornography, hookup culture, and God's intended design for sex.

In summary, "Sexpectations" is a much-needed guide for anyone concerned about the well-being and future of the younger generation. Barb Winters offers a compelling argument for shifting the narrative around intimate relationships and provides actionable steps for instilling healthier values. By emphasizing love, selflessness, mutuality, and communication, Winters presents a compelling case for embracing God's design for relationships and fostering a generation equipped for emotional and mental well-being. Whether you're a parent, guardian, or youth leader, this book will prove invaluable in positively shaping the lives of young people and promoting healthy, meaningful relationships.

[Cody Moen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Barb Winters addresses a needed topic that is lacking in parenting today: talking to your kids and having an actual relationship with them. Parents in America for too long have put off their responsibilities to their children: teaching them right from wrong behaviors, what is acceptable and taboo in relationships, what is abhorrent and what needs to be cherished in relationships. Rather than talking and modeling these things for their children, parents instead have surrendered these responsibilities to others: schools, colleges, pop culture, government, and peer pressure--and with disastrous results. Parents have surrendered the very thing that knits a family close together and ultimately protects their children from toxic relationships and painful consequences. Barb Winters brings those responsibilities back into the limelight and gives a roadmap for parents on how to take them back and travel them.

And it is necessary for parents to do this for their children if they truly do want to protect them from harm, pain, and turmoil. The dangers of pornography, hook up culture, and toxic relationships are real as I myself have endured them. I wish my own parents had even half the wisdom in Sexpectations and the courage to connect and talk with me about navigating relationships while I was a child. If you desire to have a relationship with your children, if you desire to protect them, if you desire to teach them a better path to take in navigating this chaotic culture in America, then read and APPLY what Barb Winters has written about.

[Sally Cressman]

The author doesn’t blush when addressing this intimate topic of healthy sexual relationships for tweens, teens, and young adults. With upfront boldness, Winters guides parents through the challenging issues of sex, sexuality, pornography, nude images, hookups, and all things online. You won’t find pat answers or worldly solutions for your child but the hope of healthy sexual, physical, and emotional relationships through applying biblical principles. For parents hesitant about approaching these personal subjects with their kids, the text will guide the conversations and offer abundant grace when a child or we mess up. A must-read for today’s hypersexualized times!

[Avery LeJeune · Rating 5 out of 5]

Many thanks to Barb (and her team) for this wonderful, timely, and well written book. It is vulnerable and honest, it connects intimate personal life with real research, and it draws people into forgiveness and love rather than shame. We need hope, not rejection!

[Heidi L. Paulec · Rating 5 out of 5]

When a family member finds porn in their households,
how do we respond?

Far too often & too common is denial, the looking away that only delays the termite-like effects pornography has on present & future relationships.

Barb Winters did not look away. She shares both personally & practically how she loved her son enough to walk with him as he chose & pursued sobriety from porn. Thank you & your family for walking this out & sharing the testimony herein.

Their shared journey sets the stage for dealing honestly with a pervasive perversion of human sexuality as well as protecting & navigating healthy relationships with quality communication, proactive boundaries & taking responsibility while also welcoming grace upon grace.

I highly recommend this book for anyone
who has a young person in your life with a computer or smartphone.

[CandyceCarden · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sexpectations is a must-read for parents, grandparents and anyone who works with youth today. Teens have to navigate a vastly different culture than we did when it comes to relationships. In this engaging and informative book, Barb Winters helps us initiate difficult conversations and offers support and hope when it's needed—and it's always needed—as we help children transition to adulthood.

[Jasmine Gatti]

Sexpectations is heartfelt and transparent. Barb through her son's story has created a courageous, wise and practical guide and an engaging personal account that will touch and motivate many to stand up, act and even lead to provide our youth a healthy and Godly option. Hope is everywhere in this book! A must read.

[David Rawls · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have come to the conclusion(rightly or wrongly) that the human race is looking for transcendence. To find this we will look at all kinds of different places and things and even look within ourselves for this search. Although Barb Winters may not use this direct language she touches upon topics that many and especially teens have experimented with and explored. Unfortunately, Barb has seen in her own family how things like pornography and hook-up culture can be destructive to teens and families alike. The value of this book is not necessarily the hard-hitting facts about how internet porn, sexting, and other behaviors are destructive to young people and families, but it is in the journey that the author takes us on. This is not a book for the researcher but for the mom or dad who is trying to help their teen to navigate this culture which bends against them at every turn. Barb's story is our story. We all want the best for our families and churches. We want to protect but also equip and disciple one another. This is not another book to emphasize the need for "purity culture." That ship has sailed and landed in places that did not help. Barb offers us a different route that is both give and take between parent and child. One of the things I appreciate about this book is that even though Barb helps us through steps to healthy relationships and reconciliation she reminds us that many of these steps were a result of mistakes and victories she had along the way. I once sat in a family counseling situation where my dad asked the family counselor if he had any experience. His only response was the diplomas on his wall. Barb unlike this counselor brings experience. We need more work like this.

[Stephen · Rating 4 out of 5]

In Sexpectations, Barb calls parents to be proactive in the battle against the oversexualized life we live.

One thing that has struck a chord with me so boldly is that I desire to be a parent that my children can rely on for their information. Now that I have a son quickly approaching preteen, I feel like I have been given the tools to come alongside him and lift him up in his ability to resist rather than shame him in his shortcomings.

[Kristjan · Rating 2 out of 5]

“One of Sue’s sons moved in with his girlfriend.” This is literally the fifth sentence of Chapter 1 and it was in response to a generally question asking how Sue was doing. The problem here being that Sue was not actually present and this entire conversation can be classified as judgmental gossip … not exactly a virtue nor something I was expecting. Needless to say … this was a pretty rough start to what promised to be a controversial topic to begin with and I was disappointed.

Immediately after this, the author goes on a screed about the phrase “As long as you’re happy …” which for me is in the same passive aggressive category as “Bless your little heart …” but for the author apparently represents a capitulation of morals. What follows is a mostly anecdotal review of “hook-up culture” and online pornography before diving into what the author believes is driving this risky behavior: Self-Doubt, No Relationship with Christ, Everyone is Doing It … with the implication that addressing any one of these might short circuit the “perpetual cycle of unhealthy relationships.” … an opinion that is not well supported in the book (citations of actual studies are rare if they exist at all).

The author regains some traction in Section Two (2) with habits of healthy relationships; however, I am reasonable sure most people would accept these general habits prima facie. Chapter 5 gives us a list of relationship red flags and green flags that seemed reasonable and the sections on “love languages” even had some practical advice (although each section was very brief and mostly cursory). Chapter 6 on Communication was the best of the group and almost worth the effort to get there. Chapter 8 on reconciliation comes in a close second. Over all … the book was not what I expected nor ultimately very useful to me.

SECTION 1 - The Deterioration of Relationships
Chapter 1: As Long as You’re Happy
Chapter 2: Consequences of Unhealthy Choices

SECTION 2 - Habits for Healthy Relationships
Chapter 3: Love
Chapter 4: Selflessness
Chapter 5: Mutuality
Chapter 6: Communication

SECTION 3 -
Chapter 7: Healing from Wounds
Chapter 8: Reconciliation and Maintaining Healthy Relationships

I was given this free advance reader copy (ARC) ebook at my request and have voluntarily left this review.

#Sexpectations #NetGalley

[Don Winters · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sexpectations is a timely book in which Barb Winters addresses the difficult subjects of pornography, sexting and hookup culture. From beginning to end, Barb graciously implores parents and those who work with youth/young adults that it is time to receive and then offer hope, healing, and direction to the next generation as they navigate healthy relationship in a sexually broken world. As Barb clearly states, we can’t bury our heads in the sand and hope that the current crisis goes away. The issues before us must be met with a willingness to confront our own shortcomings and brokenness as we enter into difficult conversations.

Sexpectations offers hope as Barb guides the reader with the latest brain science research, experience as a parent and risk avoidance specialist and ultimately the transforming power of Christ Himself. The pathway forward is spelled out as Barb writes, “When we talk about sex and sexuality with our children—yes, we must talk about it—let’s start with Christ and his redemptive power.”

[Dawn H · Rating 5 out of 5]

While sex/sexuality seems to be everywhere in culture, the concept of what it takes to create healthy sexual relationships is lagging behind. In this book, Barb Winters provides a frank assessment of how difficult it is for teenagers in today's hyper-sexualized world AND what we as adults (parents, youth leaders, et al) can do differently/better to support them.

Though the book has been written from a Christian perspective, it is never preachy. In fact, Winters vulnerably shares her own family's journey through pornography addiction. She writes from the heart as a mom who has lived it and who wants to share the lessons she learned to help others.

Overall, I loved the book! I especially appreciated Winters' outlining a practical, faith-based foundation for relationships using love, selflessness, mutuality, and communication.

My true rating of the book is 4.5 stars (I rounded up). This is because some of the word choice was too repetitive to me (e.g. "hook-up culture"). Other than that, I highly recommend this book, and have shared it with my friends and pastor.

[Cheryl Schuermann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Barb Winters, having personally experienced the shock and heartache of pornography invading her home and family, presents an authentic discussion of the challenges facing parents today. The book is timely as the sexual pressures facing our teens continue to increase and parents seek practical ways to direct them to healthier relationships. The author emphasizes our need for better communication and understanding mutuality. The last section of the book focuses on ways to reconcile and repair relationships. This is a valuable resource for parents and other adults helping children navigate today’s complicated world.

[Kyla Carpenter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Barb Winters did a great job connecting with her readers by being transparent and allowing us to see her struggles as well as those of her son as they navigated the trap of online pornography. From the heartfelt words of her son to the practical advice and tools Barb shares in the later chapters of the book, there are many truths and bits of wisdom sprinkled throughout the pages. If you are a parent, grandparent, teacher, youth leader, or anyone who works with children or students in any capacity, you will find helpful advice and tips on how to guide and support these young people in this age of technology and instant access.

[Adriana · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Sexpectations, Barb Winters not only defines healthy relationships from a Christian worldview, but also shares practical tips for engaging in conversations on porn and sexting. Through her vulnerable stories of successes and failures in relationships, she maps out a path forward if your child is already caught in a web of unhealthy, sexual behavior. For those who have no idea how to initiate a discussion on pornography with your kids, the author has included questions to ask. This book is for any parent, teacher or youth leader who desires to help young people today thrive in relationships and avoid the havoc of porn.

[Alice Murray · Rating 5 out of 5]

Children are our future. How then can we ignore our responsibility to prepare them for healthy relationships? Author Barb Winters speaks from her heart and based on her experience as a mother of a teen who had an addiciton to pornography. She explains how our culture has encouraged and enticed the younger generation to participate in unhealthy behaviors such as hookups and consuming pornography. Barb offers suggestions for avoiding such entanglements and how to move forward when addictions and unhealthy behaviors arise. Her advice is sound and faith-based with plenty of Scripture references included.

[Dawn R. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I appreciate the author’s approachability when discussing the topics of teen sexuality and pornography. As a parent of now adult children, I remember how challenging it was to bring up the subject without my sons cutting jokes or shutting down completely. Barb shares simple conversation starters spoken in the language of today’s youth to help parents introduce the conversation. Written from a faith-based perspective, I am grateful also for her generous use of Scriptures to guide parents in the wisdom of God’s word.

[Holly Doherty · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book could easily have gone into preachy mode about purity culture. Instead, it's a down-to-earth message about how to have these difficult conversations with your kids - mostly by getting YOUR heart right first.

"If we aren't careful, we'll react to our children's silence... If we react from a place of hurt, inadequacy, or frustration, we risk them stonewalling or resisting us. (p 123)" So true.

More than theory, the author offers practical advice - with sample conversation starters - on how to broach these topics with your kids. So helpful.

[Sylvia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was amazing. As a young adult that is single, I can say that this is so true. It is amazing that there is a book finally talking about it. All throughout High School, it was a common thing for people to hook-up. It became an expectation. Even other Christians fell under the influence and pressure of the main-stream.

This book is so helpful and something every Christian should read, especially the Young Adults and Singles looking for someone.

I loved everything about this book and appreciated the message behind it.

Highly recommend.

[Ava Pennington · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Barb Winters offers a gift to parents and families learning to navigate a cultural minefield. Eight chapters are packed with relevant truths and augmented with relatable illustrations. She identifies the pitfalls of unhealthy relationships, shares foundations for healthy ones, and provides principles to pursue recovery from wrong choices. Sexpectations meets contemporary needs by offering practical helps. You’ll find yourself referring to this valuable resource again and again.”

[Dr. Richard · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book was very well written and Barb's own courageous admitted vulnerabilities should help others struggling with the difficulties of trying to raise children in this current society of online temptations

[Nevine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book. I was able to have a great conversation with my 11 year daughter with much confidence and knowledge after reading just few chapters. We as parents have to educate ourselves and it starts by reading a book like Sexpectations from Barb.

[Margie Benjudah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is going to be a incredible tool for anyone helping this generation and the next navigate healthy relationships.

[Lee Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Barb has written a wonderful book that will help us understand what true love is and how we can express it in a healthy, godly way. A must-read for parents, teenagers, and young adults.