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Loved and Missed
With her daughter in the throes of drug addiction, a mother takes over the care of her granddaughter—and is transformed by the bond that forms between them—in this warm, sharp-witted, and psychologically acute story of familial love by a praised British novelist.
Ruth is a woman who believes in and despairs of the curative power of love. Her daughter, Eleanor, who is addicted to drugs, has just had a baby, Lily. Ruth adjusts herself in ways large and small to give to Eleanor what she thinks she may need—nourishment, distance, affection—but all her gifts fall short. After someone dies of an overdose in Eleanor's apartment, Ruth hands her daughter an envelope of cash and takes Lily home with her, and Lily, as she grows, proves a compensation for all of Ruth's past defeats and disappointment. Love without fear is a new feeling for her, almost unrecognizable. Will it last?
Love and Missed is a whip-smart, incisive, and mordantly witty novel about love's gains and missteps. British writer Susie Boyt's seventh novel, and the first to be published in the United States, is a triumph.
Ruth is a woman who believes in and despairs of the curative power of love. Her daughter, Eleanor, who is addicted to drugs, has just had a baby, Lily. Ruth adjusts herself in ways large and small to give to Eleanor what she thinks she may need—nourishment, distance, affection—but all her gifts fall short. After someone dies of an overdose in Eleanor's apartment, Ruth hands her daughter an envelope of cash and takes Lily home with her, and Lily, as she grows, proves a compensation for all of Ruth's past defeats and disappointment. Love without fear is a new feeling for her, almost unrecognizable. Will it last?
Love and Missed is a whip-smart, incisive, and mordantly witty novel about love's gains and missteps. British writer Susie Boyt's seventh novel, and the first to be published in the United States, is a triumph.
209 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 19, 2023
566 people are currently reading
16052 people want to read
About the author
Susie Boyt
17 books136 followersSusie Boyt (born January 1969) is a British novelist.
The daughter of Suzy Boyt and artist Lucian Freud, and great-granddaughter of Sigmund Freud. Susie Boyt was educated at Channing and at Camden School for Girls and read English at St Catherine's College, Oxford, graduating in 1992. Working variously at a PR agency, and a literary agency, she completed her first novel, The Normal Man, which was published in 1995 by Weidenfeld and Nicholson. She returned to university to do a Masters in Anglo American Literary Relations at University College London studying the works of Henry James and the poet John Berryman.
To date she has published four novels. In 2008, she published My Judy Garland Life, a layering of biography, hero-worship and self-help. Her journalism includes an ongoing column in the weekend Life & Arts section of the Financial Times. She is married to Tom Astor, a film producer. They live with their two daughters in London.
The daughter of Suzy Boyt and artist Lucian Freud, and great-granddaughter of Sigmund Freud. Susie Boyt was educated at Channing and at Camden School for Girls and read English at St Catherine's College, Oxford, graduating in 1992. Working variously at a PR agency, and a literary agency, she completed her first novel, The Normal Man, which was published in 1995 by Weidenfeld and Nicholson. She returned to university to do a Masters in Anglo American Literary Relations at University College London studying the works of Henry James and the poet John Berryman.
To date she has published four novels. In 2008, she published My Judy Garland Life, a layering of biography, hero-worship and self-help. Her journalism includes an ongoing column in the weekend Life & Arts section of the Financial Times. She is married to Tom Astor, a film producer. They live with their two daughters in London.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 987 reviews
March 2, 2025
My head and heart hurt.
The story:
Parenting can be tough. But it can be tougher as a single parent. It can be tougher with a teen. It can tougher when your teen turns to drugs as a way of living.
Ruth is a mother. Her estranged drug addicted daughter is someone who is difficult to have a relationship with. But her daughter has a daughter, Lily. Now it’s about ensuring her granddaughter's safety.
An intimate look at the relationship between mother and daughter. The disappointments and expectations. The shame of being powerless to save her child and the realisation she can’t protect her from harm. A grieving process that has peaks of hope for recovery but is followed by despair when change doesn’t happen.
But sometimes an opportunity opens up: a 2nd chance. The relationship between grandmother and granddaughter can be a beautiful and powerful thing; a healing balm.
This writing knocked me off my feet. The story brought me to tears but also made me smile.
I am in awe, Boyt.
5⭐️
The story:
Parenting can be tough. But it can be tougher as a single parent. It can be tougher with a teen. It can tougher when your teen turns to drugs as a way of living.
Ruth is a mother. Her estranged drug addicted daughter is someone who is difficult to have a relationship with. But her daughter has a daughter, Lily. Now it’s about ensuring her granddaughter's safety.
An intimate look at the relationship between mother and daughter. The disappointments and expectations. The shame of being powerless to save her child and the realisation she can’t protect her from harm. A grieving process that has peaks of hope for recovery but is followed by despair when change doesn’t happen.
But sometimes an opportunity opens up: a 2nd chance. The relationship between grandmother and granddaughter can be a beautiful and powerful thing; a healing balm.
This writing knocked me off my feet. The story brought me to tears but also made me smile.
I am in awe, Boyt.
5⭐️
November 27, 2024
This book commences with Ruth, our narrator, chatting with three old girlfriends. All middle-aged, maybe a bit younger – the writing was engaging, I settled in. Within four to five pages – one friend said she saw Ruth’s daughter, Eleanor, recently. The circumstances of that sighting – turned me on my head. From then on, I was strapped in for one incredible ride.
If anyone has ever been unfortunate to experience daughter or son-initiated estrangement, this book will resonate like no other. I can think of nothing else that has the capacity to leave one so powerless, so frustrated, so sad – one’s confidence is ripped from your soul.
I never knew what I was allowed to think.
Eleanor floats into and out of Ruth’s life (more out than in). Ruth goes through what can only be described as ‘hell.’
Eleanor has a daughter, Lily. Leaving Lily with her mother is out of the question – Ruth does what any grandparent would do. The relationship between Ruth and Lily, we follow, it is beautiful. Both characters created and developed by this author, Susie Boyt, are unforgettable, they will stay with me.
How can such beautiful people sprout from such misery?
This story broke my heart many times. This story also made me laugh – and laugh hard.
What a writer Boyt is. What a talent.
The world was Eleanor’s widow – you know the estranger, the child, or children who decide to (.......) their parent/s. They hold all the cards.
Please believe me, from experience, they DO hold all the cards. Un-fun fact - son or daughter initiated estrangements are on the rise. Interestingly, parents are reminded, told, ordered to respect our children's boundaries. That's what we call progress, perhaps? The whole estrangement thing causes damage.
The male characters here, are shadows. Mere puff.
I will no longer allow myself to be pilloried by the lack of her. I let go of her hand.
Ruth and Lily, the characters we follow for many years, will break your heart, you’ll cry and laugh. You will be surprised about the reserves of resilience ‘ordinary’ people can draw on.
”For Christ’s sake, Ruth, you need to think before you open your fucking mouth!.” For mouth, I half-heard legs.
The sense that we understood each other, without having to say anything, that we know how to be careful, not anxious careful, just full of care, full of caring
Please read this book. It is my favourite of the year.
5 Stars
This was an accidental buddy read with Diane - how's that? Her wonderful review can be found here: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
If anyone has ever been unfortunate to experience daughter or son-initiated estrangement, this book will resonate like no other. I can think of nothing else that has the capacity to leave one so powerless, so frustrated, so sad – one’s confidence is ripped from your soul.
I never knew what I was allowed to think.
Eleanor floats into and out of Ruth’s life (more out than in). Ruth goes through what can only be described as ‘hell.’
Eleanor has a daughter, Lily. Leaving Lily with her mother is out of the question – Ruth does what any grandparent would do. The relationship between Ruth and Lily, we follow, it is beautiful. Both characters created and developed by this author, Susie Boyt, are unforgettable, they will stay with me.
How can such beautiful people sprout from such misery?
This story broke my heart many times. This story also made me laugh – and laugh hard.
What a writer Boyt is. What a talent.
The world was Eleanor’s widow – you know the estranger, the child, or children who decide to (.......) their parent/s. They hold all the cards.
Please believe me, from experience, they DO hold all the cards. Un-fun fact - son or daughter initiated estrangements are on the rise. Interestingly, parents are reminded, told, ordered to respect our children's boundaries. That's what we call progress, perhaps? The whole estrangement thing causes damage.
The male characters here, are shadows. Mere puff.
I will no longer allow myself to be pilloried by the lack of her. I let go of her hand.
Ruth and Lily, the characters we follow for many years, will break your heart, you’ll cry and laugh. You will be surprised about the reserves of resilience ‘ordinary’ people can draw on.
”For Christ’s sake, Ruth, you need to think before you open your fucking mouth!.” For mouth, I half-heard legs.
The sense that we understood each other, without having to say anything, that we know how to be careful, not anxious careful, just full of care, full of caring
Please read this book. It is my favourite of the year.
5 Stars
This was an accidental buddy read with Diane - how's that? Her wonderful review can be found here: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
November 26, 2024
This is the story of Ruth, Eleanor, and Lily …
Mother, daughter, and granddaughter.
Ruth is raising her granddaughter Lily… since birth, her daughter Eleanor is a drug addict, as is Lily’s father and Eleanor relinquishes parental control.
This story shows all the different feelings and struggles of each of them … the grief that comes from loving your child so deeply but they are unable to reciprocate. The utter joy yet difficulty of raising a granddaughter whose mother is uninterested.
So many feelings all around.
It is a very poignant read.
Mother, daughter, and granddaughter.
Ruth is raising her granddaughter Lily… since birth, her daughter Eleanor is a drug addict, as is Lily’s father and Eleanor relinquishes parental control.
This story shows all the different feelings and struggles of each of them … the grief that comes from loving your child so deeply but they are unable to reciprocate. The utter joy yet difficulty of raising a granddaughter whose mother is uninterested.
So many feelings all around.
It is a very poignant read.
November 2, 2024
I finished reading this incredibly poignant novel more than two weeks ago. I’ve not had the time to sit and write a review. Life has gotten in the way. Some of it fortuitous, some of it rather tough. I sat down to look over my highlights this morning and found them difficult to sift through. I felt a bit melancholy in the process. I guess that’s a testament to the quality of writing, this lingering effect on me. Mother-daughter relationships – it can’t get much more fraught than that, at least from my own personal perspective. But my strength lies in having come to terms with that, so I’m not going to give this more mental space today. Susie Boyt, the author of this novel, expresses my feelings perfectly through her main character, Ruth:
“There is so much in life that doesn’t matter, so many things that hold you back, hem you in and throw you off the scent of what’s important.”
Ruth had a challenging childhood. Her father’s desertion, her mother’s heartache. Then Ruth has a child, Eleanor, and puts her whole heart into it. It’s hard to know the right balance between too much caring and too little. Can we fault anyone for that? Most of us simply do what we think best, based on our own past experiences. There’s no finger-pointing there. It’s fruitless. Eleanor ends up with a drug addiction. She eventually has her own child, Lily. Ruth steps in and raises Lily as her own. The relationship between them is touching. But I couldn’t help but wonder how all of this would shape Lily in the future. I could see Lily, even as a child, being the one responsible for healing. That’s often a great burden on a child, too. Ruth recognizes this.
“There was an idea that having Lily compensated me in various ways for losing Eleanor… But if Lily thought it was her job to patch me up, I would have doubly failed.”
Recognizing such pitfalls doesn’t mean that we won’t unwittingly step into them though, does it? This book pointed that out to me in a very thought-provoking, unsentimental way. The prose is literary, on the verge of distancing the reader from its characters. But not quite. For me, it was just the right amount of closeness versus distance to make it all very palpable. So much so that I’ve been reflecting on it a lot these past couple of weeks. It’s become a part of me. I’m in awe of Susie Boyt’s skill. She caught me off guard! The ending sections were phenomenal and evidence of the strength that women’s solidarity through times of grief can bring to the table.
Thanks to Antoinette for pointing me towards this novel. Cheers, my friend!
“Sometimes in life you have to let your heart and bones off the hook of yourself.”
“There is so much in life that doesn’t matter, so many things that hold you back, hem you in and throw you off the scent of what’s important.”
Ruth had a challenging childhood. Her father’s desertion, her mother’s heartache. Then Ruth has a child, Eleanor, and puts her whole heart into it. It’s hard to know the right balance between too much caring and too little. Can we fault anyone for that? Most of us simply do what we think best, based on our own past experiences. There’s no finger-pointing there. It’s fruitless. Eleanor ends up with a drug addiction. She eventually has her own child, Lily. Ruth steps in and raises Lily as her own. The relationship between them is touching. But I couldn’t help but wonder how all of this would shape Lily in the future. I could see Lily, even as a child, being the one responsible for healing. That’s often a great burden on a child, too. Ruth recognizes this.
“There was an idea that having Lily compensated me in various ways for losing Eleanor… But if Lily thought it was her job to patch me up, I would have doubly failed.”
Recognizing such pitfalls doesn’t mean that we won’t unwittingly step into them though, does it? This book pointed that out to me in a very thought-provoking, unsentimental way. The prose is literary, on the verge of distancing the reader from its characters. But not quite. For me, it was just the right amount of closeness versus distance to make it all very palpable. So much so that I’ve been reflecting on it a lot these past couple of weeks. It’s become a part of me. I’m in awe of Susie Boyt’s skill. She caught me off guard! The ending sections were phenomenal and evidence of the strength that women’s solidarity through times of grief can bring to the table.
Thanks to Antoinette for pointing me towards this novel. Cheers, my friend!
“Sometimes in life you have to let your heart and bones off the hook of yourself.”
January 26, 2025
Have you ever felt as though you deserved something better than what you've got? Ever thought your kids or a good friend deserved better than how they've fared?
Of course you have.
But, really, at the end of the day. . . do we really know or understand what it is we DO deserve? (And who says we deserve anything?)
Enter Ruth, our protagonist here. Our narrator, too.
As a reader, I embraced Ruth quickly. I understood her, felt as though she could easily be a friend of mine in real life.
It was natural for me to wonder if Ruth deserved what she got.
Ruth and her mother were abandoned by Ruth's father, early in her life, and Ruth's beloved mother died right around the time Ruth turned 30. Ruth grew up without siblings, and she was impregnated about five minutes into a rare romantic affair, with a man who had a lot of requirements of her:
He liked me very light about everything, smiling, mild opinions, carefree. But beneath that he wanted me tender in my personality; it was how a woman should be, with intelligent courage, a careful imagination for the difficulties of others, soft laughter, delicate feminine instincts. A sense of duty. If you think of the way a doctor sometimes says with sympathy as he presses against you with his fingers, 'Is it tender here?' Like that. He could overlook a certain sadness as long as it wasn't twee, but anger would have struck him as unsightly.
And, just as Ruth's father abandoned his family, the father of Ruth's child abandons her, almost immediately, and she is left to raise her own daughter without parents, siblings, or a partner.
When did I learn the more you wanted from people, the less they gave?
It is Ruth's friends, all women, who show up for her, and they offer complicated and reciprocal relationships, both with the nuts and bolts of childcare and mutual aid, and with laughter and emotional support, too.
. . . each time you had ought to be a special thing, a special time, you made something out of it. An event to remember. That was life, that was living. . . it was important as you got older to take pleasure seriously.
These friends are the ones who cringe in despair and disbelief as they witness Ruth's only child, Eleanor, turn away from her mother and her privileged existence to a life of erratic behavior, drug abuse, and complete indifference toward her family.
And Eleanor, like her father and grandfather before her, abandons her mother and newly born daughter.
Ruth. . . sob. . . my sweet friend Ruth. I am so sorry, my friend. Good God, woman, I am so grateful you had shelter, you had friends, and you had clear-headed and loving Lily, but still, lady, you deserved so much more than you got.
Didn't you, dear?
Of course you have.
But, really, at the end of the day. . . do we really know or understand what it is we DO deserve? (And who says we deserve anything?)
Enter Ruth, our protagonist here. Our narrator, too.
As a reader, I embraced Ruth quickly. I understood her, felt as though she could easily be a friend of mine in real life.
It was natural for me to wonder if Ruth deserved what she got.
Ruth and her mother were abandoned by Ruth's father, early in her life, and Ruth's beloved mother died right around the time Ruth turned 30. Ruth grew up without siblings, and she was impregnated about five minutes into a rare romantic affair, with a man who had a lot of requirements of her:
He liked me very light about everything, smiling, mild opinions, carefree. But beneath that he wanted me tender in my personality; it was how a woman should be, with intelligent courage, a careful imagination for the difficulties of others, soft laughter, delicate feminine instincts. A sense of duty. If you think of the way a doctor sometimes says with sympathy as he presses against you with his fingers, 'Is it tender here?' Like that. He could overlook a certain sadness as long as it wasn't twee, but anger would have struck him as unsightly.
And, just as Ruth's father abandoned his family, the father of Ruth's child abandons her, almost immediately, and she is left to raise her own daughter without parents, siblings, or a partner.
When did I learn the more you wanted from people, the less they gave?
It is Ruth's friends, all women, who show up for her, and they offer complicated and reciprocal relationships, both with the nuts and bolts of childcare and mutual aid, and with laughter and emotional support, too.
. . . each time you had ought to be a special thing, a special time, you made something out of it. An event to remember. That was life, that was living. . . it was important as you got older to take pleasure seriously.
These friends are the ones who cringe in despair and disbelief as they witness Ruth's only child, Eleanor, turn away from her mother and her privileged existence to a life of erratic behavior, drug abuse, and complete indifference toward her family.
And Eleanor, like her father and grandfather before her, abandons her mother and newly born daughter.
Ruth. . . sob. . . my sweet friend Ruth. I am so sorry, my friend. Good God, woman, I am so grateful you had shelter, you had friends, and you had clear-headed and loving Lily, but still, lady, you deserved so much more than you got.
Didn't you, dear?
June 12, 2024
5 HUGE STARS!
This is an incredible book- incredibly written and devastatingly heartbreaking. I was thinking when I finished it that it was one of the saddest books I had ever read but then I stopped and remembered the happy, positive moments in Ruth’s life and the friend who helped hold her up and I realized that it was more than just a sad book. It was a book about a woman’s strength, and women’s solidarity. Yes, it is a book that brought me to copious tears but also tremendous respect for the woman at its heart and the author who created her.
This book is about Ruth and her tenuous relationship with her drug addicted daughter, Eleanor.
“I could only think blood relations had different requirements of each other. The rate of exchange wasn’t the same. The economy of sympathy had a different cellular structure. I had the wrong kind of patience, the wrong kind of sentimentality as far as Eleanor was concerned. The wrong arms and legs and eyes and ears—“
“Eleanor’s grey-blue eyes sent out flares of contempt. The scorn of an angry saint almost. Now and then when I have received that look of hers I have wondered if I could still keep going.”
Eleanor becomes pregnant and has Lily. After someone OD’s in Eleanor’s apartment, Ruth gives her money and takes Lily. Will Ruth get a second chance with Lily?
I loved the way the author explored these relationships. None of my kids have ever had issues with drug addiction and for that I will be eternally grateful. The author explores this push pull bond between Ruth and Eleanor and the underlying love a mother has for her child regardless.
I’d be remiss if I did not mention Jean- Ruth’s friend who brought some levity to the story. You can’t help but love Jean.
There were a few references to books and authors. My favourite was her reference to Elizabeth Taylor and Elizabeth Bowen!
Phenomenal book! I highly recommend it!
Published: 2021
This is an incredible book- incredibly written and devastatingly heartbreaking. I was thinking when I finished it that it was one of the saddest books I had ever read but then I stopped and remembered the happy, positive moments in Ruth’s life and the friend who helped hold her up and I realized that it was more than just a sad book. It was a book about a woman’s strength, and women’s solidarity. Yes, it is a book that brought me to copious tears but also tremendous respect for the woman at its heart and the author who created her.
This book is about Ruth and her tenuous relationship with her drug addicted daughter, Eleanor.
“I could only think blood relations had different requirements of each other. The rate of exchange wasn’t the same. The economy of sympathy had a different cellular structure. I had the wrong kind of patience, the wrong kind of sentimentality as far as Eleanor was concerned. The wrong arms and legs and eyes and ears—“
“Eleanor’s grey-blue eyes sent out flares of contempt. The scorn of an angry saint almost. Now and then when I have received that look of hers I have wondered if I could still keep going.”
Eleanor becomes pregnant and has Lily. After someone OD’s in Eleanor’s apartment, Ruth gives her money and takes Lily. Will Ruth get a second chance with Lily?
I loved the way the author explored these relationships. None of my kids have ever had issues with drug addiction and for that I will be eternally grateful. The author explores this push pull bond between Ruth and Eleanor and the underlying love a mother has for her child regardless.
I’d be remiss if I did not mention Jean- Ruth’s friend who brought some levity to the story. You can’t help but love Jean.
There were a few references to books and authors. My favourite was her reference to Elizabeth Taylor and Elizabeth Bowen!
Phenomenal book! I highly recommend it!
Published: 2021
August 1, 2025
Ay 💔
‘Amada y perdida’ es una punzada directa al corazón y es una de las historias más tristes que he leído.
Ruth presenta su día a día en primera persona de una forma bastante sincera. Con el paso de los años, ha aprendido que hay partes de su vida que dolerán siempre. Su hija Eleanor es drogadicta y acude a ella solo cuando necesita algo y, aunque Eleanor conoce como son las dinámicas porque llevan años repitiéndose, nunca se le acaba el amor, la paciencia, la esperanza. Vive un duelo por la ausencia de su hija y tiembla cada vez que suena el teléfono.
Entre recuerdos que nos permiten conocer los momentos clave de la relación y fractura entre estas dos mujeres, el presente se abre paso y Eleanor tiene un bebé que acabará criando Ruth. ¿Una segunda oportunidad? Así lo ve ella, pero también una ocasión de que todo se repita y sentir que otra vida puede truncarse por su culpa. Vemos los años pasar con angustia por esa niña, por esa abuela, por esa madre. ¿Qué pasará cuándo Eleanor no esté? Ese pensamiento le atormenta a ella y a ti.
Una novela que reflexiona sobre la familia y el amor incondicional, las heridas que no se cierran y que nadie entiende como empezaron a sangrar, la culpa y el rencor. Sobre cómo no siempre podemos salvar a quienes más queremos y como todo el mundo tiene derecho a elegir cómo vivir, aunque eso conlleve autodestruirse. Pero ay, el dolor insoportable de no poder protegerles. Por supuesto también del trauma generacional y de cómo nos marca nuestra infancia.
En una historia tan desgarradora, te dan respiritos las personas (amigas, of course) que llegan (y se quedan) en la vida de Ruth para ayudarla a salir a flote en cada choque contra el iceberg. Y lo mejor es darte cuenta de que esas personas realmente existen (recordatorio para mandar un mensaje a la persona que te haya venido a la cabeza al leer esto).
Por cierto, esta señora escribe de maravilla. De esas novelas que cuesta creer que no es alguien contándote su vida. Qué delicadeza e inteligencia emocional heavy la de Boyt.
Un libro de esos que tienes que dosificar para que no duela tanto. La cicatriz no creo que se me borre nunca. Con todo, el final es precioso. Esperanzador en cierta manera incluso, aunque demoledor también. ¿Cómo? Mira, yo no sé ya ni lo que siento. Este libro me dejo mal para siempre.
‘Amada y perdida’ es una punzada directa al corazón y es una de las historias más tristes que he leído.
Ruth presenta su día a día en primera persona de una forma bastante sincera. Con el paso de los años, ha aprendido que hay partes de su vida que dolerán siempre. Su hija Eleanor es drogadicta y acude a ella solo cuando necesita algo y, aunque Eleanor conoce como son las dinámicas porque llevan años repitiéndose, nunca se le acaba el amor, la paciencia, la esperanza. Vive un duelo por la ausencia de su hija y tiembla cada vez que suena el teléfono.
Entre recuerdos que nos permiten conocer los momentos clave de la relación y fractura entre estas dos mujeres, el presente se abre paso y Eleanor tiene un bebé que acabará criando Ruth. ¿Una segunda oportunidad? Así lo ve ella, pero también una ocasión de que todo se repita y sentir que otra vida puede truncarse por su culpa. Vemos los años pasar con angustia por esa niña, por esa abuela, por esa madre. ¿Qué pasará cuándo Eleanor no esté? Ese pensamiento le atormenta a ella y a ti.
Una novela que reflexiona sobre la familia y el amor incondicional, las heridas que no se cierran y que nadie entiende como empezaron a sangrar, la culpa y el rencor. Sobre cómo no siempre podemos salvar a quienes más queremos y como todo el mundo tiene derecho a elegir cómo vivir, aunque eso conlleve autodestruirse. Pero ay, el dolor insoportable de no poder protegerles. Por supuesto también del trauma generacional y de cómo nos marca nuestra infancia.
En una historia tan desgarradora, te dan respiritos las personas (amigas, of course) que llegan (y se quedan) en la vida de Ruth para ayudarla a salir a flote en cada choque contra el iceberg. Y lo mejor es darte cuenta de que esas personas realmente existen (recordatorio para mandar un mensaje a la persona que te haya venido a la cabeza al leer esto).
Por cierto, esta señora escribe de maravilla. De esas novelas que cuesta creer que no es alguien contándote su vida. Qué delicadeza e inteligencia emocional heavy la de Boyt.
Un libro de esos que tienes que dosificar para que no duela tanto. La cicatriz no creo que se me borre nunca. Con todo, el final es precioso. Esperanzador en cierta manera incluso, aunque demoledor también. ¿Cómo? Mira, yo no sé ya ni lo que siento. Este libro me dejo mal para siempre.
September 13, 2025
5 heart wrenching stars!
One of the most impactful audiobooks I’ve ever listened to.
A heartbreaking exploration of addiction, motherhood and unconditional love.
Ruth becomes the loving guardian of her granddaughter, knowing her daughter cannot manage the responsibility of motherhood.
This book took me about 20% to fully “click” with, but once I did, my heart was 100% in. It crept up on me. There was something so extremely heartfelt about the story and writing.
This is a story about addiction without getting into the gritty details of addiction. It’s hard to explain until you experience this story but there is so much power and emotion in what is left UNSAID in this story. The author weaves such an impactful tale about addiction, yet doesn’t divulge the brutal details, only the lingering waves of consequence. It’s an exploration of the aftermath of addiction when children are involved. It’s about love and loss. The author created a messy, emotional family dynamic that will pull at your heartstrings. The narrative is brilliant. A truly unique reading experience!
Audio rating: 5 stars! I applaud this narrator. She did an outstanding job presenting the story. Pauses, tone and emotion were spot on. Heartfelt feeling was in every word. I highly recommend this in audio format. Be patient with it. It will undoubtedly make an impact on your heart.
One of the most impactful audiobooks I’ve ever listened to.
A heartbreaking exploration of addiction, motherhood and unconditional love.
Ruth becomes the loving guardian of her granddaughter, knowing her daughter cannot manage the responsibility of motherhood.
This book took me about 20% to fully “click” with, but once I did, my heart was 100% in. It crept up on me. There was something so extremely heartfelt about the story and writing.
This is a story about addiction without getting into the gritty details of addiction. It’s hard to explain until you experience this story but there is so much power and emotion in what is left UNSAID in this story. The author weaves such an impactful tale about addiction, yet doesn’t divulge the brutal details, only the lingering waves of consequence. It’s an exploration of the aftermath of addiction when children are involved. It’s about love and loss. The author created a messy, emotional family dynamic that will pull at your heartstrings. The narrative is brilliant. A truly unique reading experience!
Audio rating: 5 stars! I applaud this narrator. She did an outstanding job presenting the story. Pauses, tone and emotion were spot on. Heartfelt feeling was in every word. I highly recommend this in audio format. Be patient with it. It will undoubtedly make an impact on your heart.
May 2, 2025
Susie Boyt is the daughter of artist Lucien Freud, and great-granddaughter of Sigmund. That pedigree alone would get me to read her. Add to that a moving review from gr-friend, Mark (and thanks to Antoinette, who got him to read it with her enticing review), and it was the first thing I asked for when my friend wanted to buy me a gift.
What a gem! At core, this is a story of redemption for a very likable woman in her 50s, Ruth, who is suffering from the absence of her only daughter, Eleanor. The redemption comes from her warm and wonderful relationship with her granddaughter, Lily, and raising her gives her a second chance.
The absence of Eleanor is its own kind of presence for both Ruth and Lily, as is the dread that they will one day be told she is dead. Eleanor’s strongest bond is with her drug addiction, and it’s anyone’s guess when she will flit into their lives again, although the door is open, the invitations there.
Meanwhile, Lily grows into a lovely girl, and Ruth has the support of her friends, a delightful cast of characters that bring levity into the fold. And Ruth, with her combined insight and denial, gentleness and occasional bite, is as delightfully balanced as is the whole of this story, which negotiates the biggest loss and deepest fulfillment life can bring at once.
I often turn to translations for an efficiency of prose I rarely find elsewhere, but Susie Boyt gives us that in her native tongue (English). And yet, the pace of such beauty here is surprisingly lively, the story moves along so well in its taught 200 pages that I found myself deliberately slowing down, going back, and starting again, all to savor the experience. Can you believe it’s also at times as funny as it is sad? Ruth can be delightfully observant of others and self-deprecating of herself. How did Boyt create such balance, harmony, beauty, sorrow and love? Ah, love, yes, love.
Another exquisite thing about this book is how clearly it illustrates the pain of having no one there to receive your love when you can’t stop its natural flow. We read many stories about the unloved, but when one knows how to love it’s devastating and confusing when the people it flows toward naturally are unable to receive it. That is its own kind of hell, one that Boyt illustrates with an artist’s hand.
What a gem! At core, this is a story of redemption for a very likable woman in her 50s, Ruth, who is suffering from the absence of her only daughter, Eleanor. The redemption comes from her warm and wonderful relationship with her granddaughter, Lily, and raising her gives her a second chance.
The absence of Eleanor is its own kind of presence for both Ruth and Lily, as is the dread that they will one day be told she is dead. Eleanor’s strongest bond is with her drug addiction, and it’s anyone’s guess when she will flit into their lives again, although the door is open, the invitations there.
Meanwhile, Lily grows into a lovely girl, and Ruth has the support of her friends, a delightful cast of characters that bring levity into the fold. And Ruth, with her combined insight and denial, gentleness and occasional bite, is as delightfully balanced as is the whole of this story, which negotiates the biggest loss and deepest fulfillment life can bring at once.
I often turn to translations for an efficiency of prose I rarely find elsewhere, but Susie Boyt gives us that in her native tongue (English). And yet, the pace of such beauty here is surprisingly lively, the story moves along so well in its taught 200 pages that I found myself deliberately slowing down, going back, and starting again, all to savor the experience. Can you believe it’s also at times as funny as it is sad? Ruth can be delightfully observant of others and self-deprecating of herself. How did Boyt create such balance, harmony, beauty, sorrow and love? Ah, love, yes, love.
Another exquisite thing about this book is how clearly it illustrates the pain of having no one there to receive your love when you can’t stop its natural flow. We read many stories about the unloved, but when one knows how to love it’s devastating and confusing when the people it flows toward naturally are unable to receive it. That is its own kind of hell, one that Boyt illustrates with an artist’s hand.
November 25, 2024
I'm not sure I can do justice to the depth of feeling and emotion in this book. It's sad and hopeful at the same time. Four women are instrumental in this novel. There's Ruth, a single mother who was herself raised by a single mother. Eleanor is her daughter and they were very close until the teenage years and drugs entered her life. She was lost to her addiction. She had a daughter herself and Ruth stepped in to rescue her as an infant. Ruth raises Lily, but continues to maintain contact with Eleanor, always hoping she'll turn her life around.
The above description sounds very dry, but let me assure you, my tears flowed throughout this novel. The burden of Ruth's love for Eleanor didn't seem to transfer to Lily from Eleanor, who seemed to want to love and care for Lily, but her addiction wouldn't allow it. Eleanor seemed to flit through this novel like a ghost, showing up once in a while, sometimes disappearing for months. She was never wholly there, never committed, making promises never kept. Ruth and Lily muddle on, both feeling like they had a missing part.
I mentioned four women above. The fourth character here was Jean, Ruth's best friend. What a great friend! Funny and sarcastic, able to inject a little common sense into any situation, loyal, independent, with troubles of her own; we should all be so lucky to have such a friend.
Being a parent is hard in the best of situations. That Ruth could remain so good, so caring, so full of remorse and guilt, simply because of her love for her daughter and grand -daughter; as I said, I teared up often. It's not easy being a daughter either for many of the same reasons. Love is a trap that most of us enter willingly, but a trap nevertheless.
This turned out to be an accidental buddy read with Mark when we realized we were both reading it, and we shared some interesting views. I've been trying to stay away from sad books lately, but this was so worth it and had some hopeful notes as well. There was an interesting priest who showed up a couple of times and some peripheral characters that added to the overall story as well.
This title is brilliant. Susie Boyt is on my radar going ahead.
Thanks to Antoinette and Candi for such moving reviews. In the case of Goodreads, it takes a village......
The above description sounds very dry, but let me assure you, my tears flowed throughout this novel. The burden of Ruth's love for Eleanor didn't seem to transfer to Lily from Eleanor, who seemed to want to love and care for Lily, but her addiction wouldn't allow it. Eleanor seemed to flit through this novel like a ghost, showing up once in a while, sometimes disappearing for months. She was never wholly there, never committed, making promises never kept. Ruth and Lily muddle on, both feeling like they had a missing part.
I mentioned four women above. The fourth character here was Jean, Ruth's best friend. What a great friend! Funny and sarcastic, able to inject a little common sense into any situation, loyal, independent, with troubles of her own; we should all be so lucky to have such a friend.
Being a parent is hard in the best of situations. That Ruth could remain so good, so caring, so full of remorse and guilt, simply because of her love for her daughter and grand -daughter; as I said, I teared up often. It's not easy being a daughter either for many of the same reasons. Love is a trap that most of us enter willingly, but a trap nevertheless.
This turned out to be an accidental buddy read with Mark when we realized we were both reading it, and we shared some interesting views. I've been trying to stay away from sad books lately, but this was so worth it and had some hopeful notes as well. There was an interesting priest who showed up a couple of times and some peripheral characters that added to the overall story as well.
This title is brilliant. Susie Boyt is on my radar going ahead.
Thanks to Antoinette and Candi for such moving reviews. In the case of Goodreads, it takes a village......
December 15, 2023
Ruth doesn’t have much, she’s deeply depressed and unloved, yet she keeps trying. Ruth is also a stealer. She stole her childhood friend’s husband once, for a time, then when he didn’t want her, she stole a child. When that child stopped wanting her, she stole her child’s child. She had to steal every crumb of love she could get in her life.
Is it because Ruth was not wanted by her father? Or because her mother, in her obsession and desperation and deep depression after Ruth’s father left her, tried to also leave, this time through self-harm? Ruth is a deeply sad, controlled woman who craves being loved, being needed, being the most important person in somebody’s life.
I wasn’t enjoying this book for the first half of it and then something started to get through. It got through so much that during one chapter near the end I had a cathartic sob. Ruth doesn’t want to open up to a reader, even though this is a first person narrative. Ruth hides away. And somewhere along the way it became an interesting exercise for me to psychoanalyze this woman.
The prose is controlled, careful, labored, but so is Ruth as a person.
Ruth reminded me of Villette’s Lucy Snowe. Which is completely intentional, I think, since here I am thinking of Villette and then Ruth says:
Only Charlotte, a romantic, gave Lucy romance, while Boyt gave Ruth a child as a salvation.
I must confess, I picked up this book because it was written by Freud’s great-granddaughter, ancestors like this surely come with baggage. The next book of hers I’ll pick up because of her. A very sad and touching read.
Is it because Ruth was not wanted by her father? Or because her mother, in her obsession and desperation and deep depression after Ruth’s father left her, tried to also leave, this time through self-harm? Ruth is a deeply sad, controlled woman who craves being loved, being needed, being the most important person in somebody’s life.
I wasn’t enjoying this book for the first half of it and then something started to get through. It got through so much that during one chapter near the end I had a cathartic sob. Ruth doesn’t want to open up to a reader, even though this is a first person narrative. Ruth hides away. And somewhere along the way it became an interesting exercise for me to psychoanalyze this woman.
The prose is controlled, careful, labored, but so is Ruth as a person.
“I was not sure what they would say about me. Tall, chestnut-haired, despairing? Would they claim in order to be brave I’ve had to coarsen myself?”
Ruth reminded me of Villette’s Lucy Snowe. Which is completely intentional, I think, since here I am thinking of Villette and then Ruth says:
“Villette?”
Lily nodded.
‘I love that one. The people in the school were so severe.’
Only Charlotte, a romantic, gave Lucy romance, while Boyt gave Ruth a child as a salvation.
“I wondered how long I could keep her at my side. People haven’t stuck to me particularly in life.”
I must confess, I picked up this book because it was written by Freud’s great-granddaughter, ancestors like this surely come with baggage. The next book of hers I’ll pick up because of her. A very sad and touching read.
December 10, 2025
Such an emotional read—the kind you can't help but feel right there in that spot between your gut and your heart and your head. And you will feel it, whether you're a mother or not. I'm not, but we are—every one of us—the product of a mother.
So what can you say about a daughter who chooses drugs over her child and her mother? They make excuses for her but it’s harder each time. Still, they love her and, certainly, they miss her, but what of the torment and the worry? The roles begin to blur. Just who is the mother and who is the child?
5 “Somewhere–between–hello–and–goodbye–there–was–love.–So–much–love.” stars ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
So what can you say about a daughter who chooses drugs over her child and her mother? They make excuses for her but it’s harder each time. Still, they love her and, certainly, they miss her, but what of the torment and the worry? The roles begin to blur. Just who is the mother and who is the child?
5 “Somewhere–between–hello–and–goodbye–there–was–love.–So–much–love.” stars ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
September 15, 2023
Boyt's seventh novel (but first available in the United States) is the heart-wrenching story of a woman who adopts her granddaughter because of her daughter's drug addiction. Her prose is stunning as she traces the history of this complicated, makeshift family. I would particularly recommend the book to fans of Unless by Carol Shields for the picture of a daughter in extreme and precarious circumstances. The title has a wry double meaning: "the aim was wrong and the love didn't quite get through," Lily jokes when she sees the phrase on a gravestone. But it also has connotations of anticipatory grief and unrewarded nostalgia. There can be love even where there is estrangement, or eternal separation. That is one of the enduring messages of this gem of a short novel. (More of a 4.5, really.)
See my full review at BookBrowse. (See also my related article on the publisher New York Review Books.)
See my full review at BookBrowse. (See also my related article on the publisher New York Review Books.)
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June 8, 2025Qué difícil debe de ser escribir un libro durísimo que, al terminar de leerse, deja al lector con una sonrisa en la boca y cierta sensación de esperanza.
Una abuela se encarga de criar a su nieta porque su hija es toxicómana y, por lo tanto, incapaz de hacerse cargo de la niña. Ese es el nudo de una trama que sirve para hablar de las estructuras cambiantes de las familias, de las tensiones inherentes a las relaciones familiares peliagudas, de lo que sacrificamos para poder decirnos que lo hemos hecho bien, de lo que estamos dispuestos a hacer por quienes nos cambian la vida.
Susie Boyt ha escrito una novela tan delicada como contundente. Este libro es un cactus escondido en el interior de una tetera de porcelana. Los diálogos devastadores suceden en ambientes llenos de flores naturales, las sensaciones más dolorosas desgarran la superficie de hermosos papeles pintados y de lujosas alfombras mullidas.
Una lectura tierna y afilada, emotiva y punzante. Recomendadísimo.
Una abuela se encarga de criar a su nieta porque su hija es toxicómana y, por lo tanto, incapaz de hacerse cargo de la niña. Ese es el nudo de una trama que sirve para hablar de las estructuras cambiantes de las familias, de las tensiones inherentes a las relaciones familiares peliagudas, de lo que sacrificamos para poder decirnos que lo hemos hecho bien, de lo que estamos dispuestos a hacer por quienes nos cambian la vida.
Susie Boyt ha escrito una novela tan delicada como contundente. Este libro es un cactus escondido en el interior de una tetera de porcelana. Los diálogos devastadores suceden en ambientes llenos de flores naturales, las sensaciones más dolorosas desgarran la superficie de hermosos papeles pintados y de lujosas alfombras mullidas.
Una lectura tierna y afilada, emotiva y punzante. Recomendadísimo.
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August 25, 2022 This Guardian piece opened me up like a book, as if Susie Boyt and I were kindred spirits; I'm sure that if I had found Noel Straetfield's phone number I'd have rung her up too. Immediate order of this, her seventh novel, with a little thrill of surprise that I had not heard of her before and a quiver of hope that I might find I want to read the previous six? (I do!)
And no disappointments: the same generous sympathy as I felt towards the writer, a gentle warmth is there at the heart of this novel of Ruth, Eleanor and Lily, mother, daughter, granddaughter. Men are, generally, out of focus figures on the outskirts that loom large for a few moments only to disappear again. Indeed, yes, these women are struggling, financially, emotionally, but the tone is neither earnest nor twee. Humour keeps everything in balance. Jean, for example. How could you not love Jean? Her husband Alan has left, this time for good. It had always been the spring when she'd discovered his affairs. Jean's doctor suggests a course of anti-depressants. Jean isn't keen.
And now her daughter has weighed in. Jean could have done without that.
How could you not love Jean?
And no disappointments: the same generous sympathy as I felt towards the writer, a gentle warmth is there at the heart of this novel of Ruth, Eleanor and Lily, mother, daughter, granddaughter. Men are, generally, out of focus figures on the outskirts that loom large for a few moments only to disappear again. Indeed, yes, these women are struggling, financially, emotionally, but the tone is neither earnest nor twee. Humour keeps everything in balance. Jean, for example. How could you not love Jean? Her husband Alan has left, this time for good. It had always been the spring when she'd discovered his affairs. Jean's doctor suggests a course of anti-depressants. Jean isn't keen.
I suppose I'm more a cup of tea and a sit-down, get into bed with a good book kind of grin and bear it, gin and bear it person, two glasses of wine and a Camembert eaten straight from the box with a spoon when the chips are down. Not that I'm against pills. I just see them as a last resort. Something like that. Fine for others but not quite for me. Like bridge, perhaps. Or the tango.How could you not love Jean?
And now her daughter has weighed in. Jean could have done without that.
I need more resilience, apparently. "You know what Dad's like." So I said, I think resilience as a word is morally bankrupt. It's what people require of you when they don't intend to treat you very well. She didn't like that.
How could you not love Jean?
September 29, 2025
When I first started this book that so many had recommended I found I had to set it aside. The story was just too sad and powerful for my ears and eyes. But I could not set the story aside and after several months went back and started over, this time to finish it. A hard read but a most powerful story I believe will be long remembered and thought about.
It is the story of a mother trying to come to terms with an addicted daughter. When this daughter has a daughter the now grandmother can not sit back and watch her lovely innocent granddaughter be impacted by her mother's addiction and possible neglect.
At first I found myself blaming Ruth for her daughter's addiction and her inability to come to terms with her own culpability in dealing with it. Then the question of whether she has the right or is in the right in taking over the care of her granddaughter. As a grandmother I can certainly understand the need to step in and try to "save" the child she feels maybe in danger.
But I found my views changing as this complex story continued. Love and Missed is great story telling of hard, always difficult choices and situations but somehow left this reader feeling hopeful at the end. It deserves the many accolades and praise i have seen.
It is the story of a mother trying to come to terms with an addicted daughter. When this daughter has a daughter the now grandmother can not sit back and watch her lovely innocent granddaughter be impacted by her mother's addiction and possible neglect.
At first I found myself blaming Ruth for her daughter's addiction and her inability to come to terms with her own culpability in dealing with it. Then the question of whether she has the right or is in the right in taking over the care of her granddaughter. As a grandmother I can certainly understand the need to step in and try to "save" the child she feels maybe in danger.
But I found my views changing as this complex story continued. Love and Missed is great story telling of hard, always difficult choices and situations but somehow left this reader feeling hopeful at the end. It deserves the many accolades and praise i have seen.
December 12, 2025
When your book bestie tells you that this was "her favorite book of the year", you read the book.
This was written by Sigmund Freud's great- granddaughter and it would appear she has a way with words. I wouldn't consider myself an overly emotional person, but this was book was deeply affective.
A mother living with an addict daughter. "like a haunted house at the fair or something. Hollow bits and scabs and shadows and under it all something very sharp flickering away.." As mothers it is your worst fear to lose a child. When a child is lost to you how do you reconcile that? They are living yet estranged.
Tis book captures the emotions perfectly. The writing is sublime and heartbreaking. Quotes that will stay with me forever.
Thanks Jen Jen for putting this book on my radar. An absolute stunner!
This was written by Sigmund Freud's great- granddaughter and it would appear she has a way with words. I wouldn't consider myself an overly emotional person, but this was book was deeply affective.
A mother living with an addict daughter. "like a haunted house at the fair or something. Hollow bits and scabs and shadows and under it all something very sharp flickering away.." As mothers it is your worst fear to lose a child. When a child is lost to you how do you reconcile that? They are living yet estranged.
Tis book captures the emotions perfectly. The writing is sublime and heartbreaking. Quotes that will stay with me forever.
Thanks Jen Jen for putting this book on my radar. An absolute stunner!
February 22, 2025
What a good read. I really got stuck in to Susie Boyt’s finely written and sensitively told family story, narrated by Ruth, a London teacher who raised her daughter Eleanor as a single parent only to become painfully estranged from her as Eleanor grew up. However, when Eleanor gives birth to a daughter in straitened circumstances, Ruth sees an opportunity to take on her granddaughter and raise her.
Apparently this is Susie Boyt’s seventh novel but the first released in North America. She’s artist Lucian Freud’s daughter and trained as a bereavement counsellor, which may go to her tolerance for and perceptiveness about the tricky ways humans deal with life, death, and each other. A nice mix of kind observation and some reason for optimism about the human condition.
“‘Hi, Mum,’ she said, but she spoke without any warmth at all, as though she was saying ‘curtain’ or ‘gas bill.’ I tried to get a sense from her eyes, from her mouth, from her face what kind of evening we were in for, but it was too dingy to tell. And she did not enjoy being scrutinized for signs of life. Who could blame her? I wished I could be more immune to the effect my behaviour had on her: how her reactions struck my features and how her face then responded to the rapid contortions she saw in mine. We were a mirrored room with hundreds of reflections flashing back and back and back. I knew my constant search for glints of hope was tasteless, but I couldn’t stop myself.”
“I started to laugh… ‘It says Loved and Missed,’ I said.
‘What’s funny about that?’
‘Well it kind of sounds like the person tried to be loving but the target moved, or the aim was wrong and the love didn’t quite get through, it didn’t hit home? It didn’t work out for whatever reason. Or…or…they maybe just weren’t very good at it.’”
Apparently this is Susie Boyt’s seventh novel but the first released in North America. She’s artist Lucian Freud’s daughter and trained as a bereavement counsellor, which may go to her tolerance for and perceptiveness about the tricky ways humans deal with life, death, and each other. A nice mix of kind observation and some reason for optimism about the human condition.
“‘Hi, Mum,’ she said, but she spoke without any warmth at all, as though she was saying ‘curtain’ or ‘gas bill.’ I tried to get a sense from her eyes, from her mouth, from her face what kind of evening we were in for, but it was too dingy to tell. And she did not enjoy being scrutinized for signs of life. Who could blame her? I wished I could be more immune to the effect my behaviour had on her: how her reactions struck my features and how her face then responded to the rapid contortions she saw in mine. We were a mirrored room with hundreds of reflections flashing back and back and back. I knew my constant search for glints of hope was tasteless, but I couldn’t stop myself.”
“I started to laugh… ‘It says Loved and Missed,’ I said.
‘What’s funny about that?’
‘Well it kind of sounds like the person tried to be loving but the target moved, or the aim was wrong and the love didn’t quite get through, it didn’t hit home? It didn’t work out for whatever reason. Or…or…they maybe just weren’t very good at it.’”
January 1, 2025
"Loved and Missed" is a story about a family with a heroin addict. The mother is Ruth - a middle-aged teacher who raised her daughter Eleanor as a single mom. While in her teens, Eleanor became addicted to heroin and meth. When the book opens, Eleanor is living on the streets of London with a boyfriend. She wants nothing to do with her mother, "Mum," and treats her quite badly. In one of their few, fraught meetings, Eleanor tells Ruth that she is pregnant. You can imagine Ruth's worry. How is Eleanor in any shape to care for a baby?
The baby is named Lily. When Lily is 2 months old, Ruth decides that she is unsafe with her mother (Eleanor). Ruth practically kidnaps her and becomes her de facto mom. Eleanor's first priority is drugs - She passively lets her baby go and then, just keeps in sporadic contact. Months and years can go by without Eleanor visiting them.
This is the bare bones of the story. There is so much packed into this short novella. Readers will get a picture of how these three women (of three generations) respond to each other. The main character is the grandmother, Ruth. We hear her point of view. Towards the end, we hear her granddaughter Lily's point of view. By then, Lily is 15 years old. Less is known about Eleanor, Lily's absent mother.
My reactions: I thought there was a core of truth in the book and wondered if the author has personal experience of her own. The characters are portrayed realistically with very human flaws. For example (like all of us), Ruth had some blind spots. Grandmother Ruth had Lily share the same bed with her until Lily was 12. Lily was not given a bed of her own. That's not okay. It's a symbol of how needy Ruth could be, despite her generous nature and thoughtfulness.
Stylistically, the author's writing is spare and elegant. Some of her metaphors seemed muddled. I also thought that the characters' pain and rage were muted. As an American, I enjoyed the many English idioms that the characters used.
I found the novella to be absorbing and poignant. Best of all, Ruth showed how it is possible to live a good life while enduring estrangement from a drug addicted daughter.
Trigger Warning: Cancer is part of the story.
The baby is named Lily. When Lily is 2 months old, Ruth decides that she is unsafe with her mother (Eleanor). Ruth practically kidnaps her and becomes her de facto mom. Eleanor's first priority is drugs - She passively lets her baby go and then, just keeps in sporadic contact. Months and years can go by without Eleanor visiting them.
This is the bare bones of the story. There is so much packed into this short novella. Readers will get a picture of how these three women (of three generations) respond to each other. The main character is the grandmother, Ruth. We hear her point of view. Towards the end, we hear her granddaughter Lily's point of view. By then, Lily is 15 years old. Less is known about Eleanor, Lily's absent mother.
My reactions: I thought there was a core of truth in the book and wondered if the author has personal experience of her own. The characters are portrayed realistically with very human flaws. For example (like all of us), Ruth had some blind spots. Grandmother Ruth had Lily share the same bed with her until Lily was 12. Lily was not given a bed of her own. That's not okay. It's a symbol of how needy Ruth could be, despite her generous nature and thoughtfulness.
Stylistically, the author's writing is spare and elegant. Some of her metaphors seemed muddled. I also thought that the characters' pain and rage were muted. As an American, I enjoyed the many English idioms that the characters used.
I found the novella to be absorbing and poignant. Best of all, Ruth showed how it is possible to live a good life while enduring estrangement from a drug addicted daughter.
Trigger Warning: Cancer is part of the story.
July 31, 2024
This was what I would call a hyper-realistic novel. It's about a mother, Ruth, and Eleanor, her drug addicted beautiful daughter. Eleanor has a baby she's unable to take care of, so Ruth takes Lily under her wing. Ruth is a devoted grandmother, striving to avoid the mistakes she thinks she made with Eleanor.
The writing offers us great insights into Ruth's thinking. People are simple but also complicated.
I found this novel utterly depressing but that's because it was realistic.
If you're after an uplifting novel, this is not that the right choice. If you're keen to read a well-written novel, Loved and Missed will certainly fit the bill.
The writing offers us great insights into Ruth's thinking. People are simple but also complicated.
I found this novel utterly depressing but that's because it was realistic.
If you're after an uplifting novel, this is not that the right choice. If you're keen to read a well-written novel, Loved and Missed will certainly fit the bill.
January 31, 2024
What a harrowing read! I remember at one point thinking to myself that, from a psychological standpoint, it's such a well-observed novel, and then I found out the author is the great-granddaughter of none other than Sigmund Freud.
November 3, 2024
Novela leída en el club de lectura de La librería ambulante 📚😍.
La comencé con ganas, pero el impacto ha sido bastante menor de lo esperado.
La leí en paralelo junto a Los siguientes y siendo dos historias duras, a la de Pedro Simón la he amado mucho mientras que con esta no he terminado de conectar.
Amada y perdida tiene momentos emotivos y sus protagonistas pasan por situaciones muy complicadas, pero teniéndolo todo para haberme llegado, solo lo ha hecho en parte.
La comencé con ganas, pero el impacto ha sido bastante menor de lo esperado.
La leí en paralelo junto a Los siguientes y siendo dos historias duras, a la de Pedro Simón la he amado mucho mientras que con esta no he terminado de conectar.
Amada y perdida tiene momentos emotivos y sus protagonistas pasan por situaciones muy complicadas, pero teniéndolo todo para haberme llegado, solo lo ha hecho en parte.
January 26, 2024
As I neared the end of this wonderful book, I was lying in the bath. And the water was getting cold and I was crying (because of the book, not the cooling bathwater) and I just kept reading and crying because the book was so wonderful. Is so wonderful.
January 20, 2025
A truly poignant novel about women's relationships, and loss, especially loss. Susie Boyt provides a close-up of an estranged mother-daughter relationship, whereby the daughter is an alcoholic and their relationship is broken. The mother has a chance at redemption and happiness through mothering her granddaughter and that relationship is explored also. The writing is both lyrical and truly insightful and caused me to experience many emotions as I reflected on my own relationships.
Standout quotes:
"He wore suit trousers but they were ancient, miles too big, and he billowed around his edges."
About teaching girls at school to commit poetry to memory: "It will be a lovely wallpaper for your life, I told them, especially at in-between moments. When you can't get off to sleep. When you're waiting for the bus [...] you can just run through beautiful things in your mind to lift yourself."
"I loved the simple rubbing along with another person, friendliness, a calm and busy rhythm, lustre and life cheer, snippets of shared news." This resonated as our son arrived for a visit and ended up staying for several months. It was lovely once we found our rhythm after the initial settling in period.
"Since she'd come out of prison there were locks and bars on her. Besides we never talked to each other about death. It was too strong a current in our life to be named." This refers to the constant tidal fear the mother has lived with as she has imagined the tragic end of her alcoholic daughter's life.
"What we felt for each other had a lot of heat and urgency. I was strong but I was careful. I teaspooned love into her." The grandmother trying to parent her granddaughter.
"People didn't speak much of the thick currents of emotion that flowed between the single parent and the only child, the joint unbridled purpose, the coming first with each other, the aims shared, doubled, twinned, the thick swoon of it." I thought this was fascinating to think on.
As her daughter, an alcoholic, approaches her third decade the mother thinks: "I would keep her hazy shape in view though. I'd hold her close to me in theory as one holds a new baby in the crook of one's arm before it's born or the memory of a person whose recently died and you're not quite sure who is comforting whom or who can see and who is blind. It would take sleight of hand not to look at things head on but instead to soften my ideas around her, let them be lacy at their edges and fall away. I couldn't keep on trying to balance the equations all the time that my care had equalled what she was living."
"The line of the scar I was aware of all the time. You could see the purplish stitch marks, the surrounding skin puckered and angry. The sort of bad seam your needlework teacher would make you unpick and redo." - Yes! This is so true and prompted a wry smile from me.
"Jean liked to do everything properly, to make ordinary things into an occasion, even sitting down for a hot drink, not to be done self-consciously like in quotes, but each time had ought to be a special thing, special time, you made something out of it. An event to remember."
"That was life, that was living, she said it was important as you got older to take pleasure seriously. "You must grab it by the lapels," she said, "Hail it, like a taxi."" Yes!
"Some people believed that if your mother wasn't all that bothered about you she must know more than anyone what you were really like deep down because she sort of invented you so there had to be something really wrong with you then." This was painful to hear and feel.
"I had read that it was important to let all the feelings in so they had no power over you and you could be set free. Not to hold back on anything because it was too bad to say. To have a mother that wasn't maternal." This leaves me with much to think about.
Standout quotes:
"He wore suit trousers but they were ancient, miles too big, and he billowed around his edges."
About teaching girls at school to commit poetry to memory: "It will be a lovely wallpaper for your life, I told them, especially at in-between moments. When you can't get off to sleep. When you're waiting for the bus [...] you can just run through beautiful things in your mind to lift yourself."
"I loved the simple rubbing along with another person, friendliness, a calm and busy rhythm, lustre and life cheer, snippets of shared news." This resonated as our son arrived for a visit and ended up staying for several months. It was lovely once we found our rhythm after the initial settling in period.
"Since she'd come out of prison there were locks and bars on her. Besides we never talked to each other about death. It was too strong a current in our life to be named." This refers to the constant tidal fear the mother has lived with as she has imagined the tragic end of her alcoholic daughter's life.
"What we felt for each other had a lot of heat and urgency. I was strong but I was careful. I teaspooned love into her." The grandmother trying to parent her granddaughter.
"People didn't speak much of the thick currents of emotion that flowed between the single parent and the only child, the joint unbridled purpose, the coming first with each other, the aims shared, doubled, twinned, the thick swoon of it." I thought this was fascinating to think on.
As her daughter, an alcoholic, approaches her third decade the mother thinks: "I would keep her hazy shape in view though. I'd hold her close to me in theory as one holds a new baby in the crook of one's arm before it's born or the memory of a person whose recently died and you're not quite sure who is comforting whom or who can see and who is blind. It would take sleight of hand not to look at things head on but instead to soften my ideas around her, let them be lacy at their edges and fall away. I couldn't keep on trying to balance the equations all the time that my care had equalled what she was living."
"The line of the scar I was aware of all the time. You could see the purplish stitch marks, the surrounding skin puckered and angry. The sort of bad seam your needlework teacher would make you unpick and redo." - Yes! This is so true and prompted a wry smile from me.
"Jean liked to do everything properly, to make ordinary things into an occasion, even sitting down for a hot drink, not to be done self-consciously like in quotes, but each time had ought to be a special thing, special time, you made something out of it. An event to remember."
"That was life, that was living, she said it was important as you got older to take pleasure seriously. "You must grab it by the lapels," she said, "Hail it, like a taxi."" Yes!
"Some people believed that if your mother wasn't all that bothered about you she must know more than anyone what you were really like deep down because she sort of invented you so there had to be something really wrong with you then." This was painful to hear and feel.
"I had read that it was important to let all the feelings in so they had no power over you and you could be set free. Not to hold back on anything because it was too bad to say. To have a mother that wasn't maternal." This leaves me with much to think about.
August 28, 2021
An intensely powerful book about three women; grandmother, daughter and grandchild, who are bound to each other despite the odds.
Ruth’s daughter Eleanor is a drug addict. When she falls pregnant and is unable to care for her child Ruth steps in. Her granddaughter Lily somewhat fills the hole that Eleanor’s absence has left.
This is a deep and at times distressing book. It pulls no punches. I felt desperately sorry for Ruth; her proud and dignified manner seemed like a wall put up to prevent her crumbling. Describing how her daughter suddenly changed from a happy teenage girl who had such a close relationship with her mother to an adolescent who didn’t want a bar of her broke my heart. In fact my heart broke several times while I read this book. The writing and prose are exquisite; every sentence has such meaning and depth. And the agony of a mother’s heartache is conveyed so profoundly that it would be impossible not to be moved by this book.
As well as tears there are also uplifting moments - the book does shift at a certain point as the plot continues. It becomes a story of strength and determination with some incredibly resilient characters, who are crafted so beautifully that you’ll feel proud to have known them for a short while.
Ruth’s daughter Eleanor is a drug addict. When she falls pregnant and is unable to care for her child Ruth steps in. Her granddaughter Lily somewhat fills the hole that Eleanor’s absence has left.
This is a deep and at times distressing book. It pulls no punches. I felt desperately sorry for Ruth; her proud and dignified manner seemed like a wall put up to prevent her crumbling. Describing how her daughter suddenly changed from a happy teenage girl who had such a close relationship with her mother to an adolescent who didn’t want a bar of her broke my heart. In fact my heart broke several times while I read this book. The writing and prose are exquisite; every sentence has such meaning and depth. And the agony of a mother’s heartache is conveyed so profoundly that it would be impossible not to be moved by this book.
As well as tears there are also uplifting moments - the book does shift at a certain point as the plot continues. It becomes a story of strength and determination with some incredibly resilient characters, who are crafted so beautifully that you’ll feel proud to have known them for a short while.
January 17, 2025
One of the best books I’ve read on the joy and pain of parenting and coping with addiction of loved ones. Funny and sad in books as a combo is my peanut butter and chocolate.
December 27, 2024
“Loved and Missed”, by Susie Boyt (a contemporary fiction)
3 stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️
I only picked this book because it was highly recommended.
And I do love family dramas.
But the cover art does not appeal to me, so I wouldn’t have thought of reading this.
Anyways… I so wanted to love it. The writing is not bad, but the storytelling is overly descriptive and failed to convey some authenticity to the characters.
I was completely untouched by the story, which was considered by many readers as being depressing.
I didn’t think this one was for me, so I feel that is unfair to give it a lower rate, so I’m taking into consideration the concept and writing.
ebook (Kobo): 208 pages (default), 62k words, 10 chapters.
3 stars ⭐️⭐️⭐️
I only picked this book because it was highly recommended.
And I do love family dramas.
But the cover art does not appeal to me, so I wouldn’t have thought of reading this.
Anyways… I so wanted to love it. The writing is not bad, but the storytelling is overly descriptive and failed to convey some authenticity to the characters.
I was completely untouched by the story, which was considered by many readers as being depressing.
I didn’t think this one was for me, so I feel that is unfair to give it a lower rate, so I’m taking into consideration the concept and writing.
ebook (Kobo): 208 pages (default), 62k words, 10 chapters.
August 12, 2025
This was just so lovely and so strikingly intelligent. It was very sad but also honest and made it feel like even sad lives are worth living. And that love is an action; that kindness, as one character says, is really faith made real.
I read so many books and rarely do they make me tearful, but this one did. One of the best of the year.
Worth taking your time with.
I read so many books and rarely do they make me tearful, but this one did. One of the best of the year.
Worth taking your time with.
October 19, 2024
finally some good contemporary fiction
June 16, 2024
This book is British.
This is my book club’s pick for July, and since some of the members prefer audiobooks, I’m eager to hear their take. If you’re not British, I suspect hearing this book through an interpreter would be a much better and more comprehensible experience than reading it.
That said, the writing is good. Really good—you can tell, even if you can’t understand it all. It’s underwritten, allowing the story to come together through the synapses. My problems were all due to my lack a familiarity with deeply vernacular British turns of phrase. Even so, I was moved by this story of three generations of lost, single women. And it wasn’t until near the end that the title made sense. Until then, I couldn’t retain it, because—again—I didn’t know how to read or understand it. Once I learned, it was worth the earlier problems.
‘Could you be a little jealous?’ Christine said, Sarah said, and Fran, when we met for a slightly dismal drink, ostensibly to Cheer Christine Up. (110)And I don’t know how to read that. I suspect if I heard this book read by a British actress it would have been more obvious to me. But so many times I’m sure that what is a vernacular turn of phrase to an English person left American me baffled.
This is my book club’s pick for July, and since some of the members prefer audiobooks, I’m eager to hear their take. If you’re not British, I suspect hearing this book through an interpreter would be a much better and more comprehensible experience than reading it.
That said, the writing is good. Really good—you can tell, even if you can’t understand it all. It’s underwritten, allowing the story to come together through the synapses. My problems were all due to my lack a familiarity with deeply vernacular British turns of phrase. Even so, I was moved by this story of three generations of lost, single women. And it wasn’t until near the end that the title made sense. Until then, I couldn’t retain it, because—again—I didn’t know how to read or understand it. Once I learned, it was worth the earlier problems.
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