1/Changing the conversation: Changes in circuits (now nonhormonal) can build a stronger and more confident sense of self, making the wisdom gained from a lifetime of experience a neurological reality. No longer driven by fertility hormones to seek external approval, we behave differently and others respond to us differently. Many find that men will listen to us not because of how we look but because of our wisdom and experience. The female brain is no longer stressed by its wiring being hormonally altered by 25% every month. By the time we’ve reached this age, we’ve been through fire. We have survived tragedy and begun to thrive again.
2/The Crux of Being Female: Biological systems fight for equilibrium. The pendulum swings perpetually, never finding the perfect middle. The female brain is pushed by strong hormonal waves to mate, flirt, rage, hug, speak unvarnished truth. Waves are one of the most powerful and efficient physical forces in existence. Waves change everything they touch (Florida Keys – compare east wave side to no wave on west side). Waves of hormones: high cortisol in the morning to low in the afternoon. If anything interrupts this wave – staying up too late, crossing time zones, having a big fight with a loved one, or a deeply traumatic experience – the brain’s neurocircuitry is rewired. Steep drop off of progesterone – around 8-fold decrease – every month, the female brain circuits can get dragged out to a depressive sea (500 times over the course of her life). Though the basic brain material of female and male is monthly the same, waves create measurable structural differences. Circuits that were engaged nearly full time in managing the waves are now free to be deployed as we see fit, creating a new reality for what could be the best time of our lives.
3/Transitioning into the Upgrade: You may feel less like yourself than ever, when your old tricks for calming down, sleeping it off, or losing weight stop working, it’s not just stress, and it’s not made up. It’s real, it’s physical, and it’s in your brain. After decades of predictable cycles, suddenly everything just feels off. It wasn’t that I became my old self. It’s that it helped me emerge into who I was becoming. There are estrogen and progesterone receptors on every single organ. First sign is a shortened cycle time. Estrogen stimulates growth of brain synapses, intensifies their connections, and reorganizes brain networks. Growth is great as long as there is a careful gardener, stimulated by progesterone, eventually coming along to cut the weeds, clip the hedges, trim the trees, and clean up the trash. Temperature change and biological stress: the range of ambient temperature variation the hypothalamus can tolerate shrinks dramatically. Sleep is the body’s chance to reset and recover. If you are waking up twice or more during the night, you won’t enter REM, and you won’t get the rest that you need (lasts 4-7 years). Alarm Bells: Insula asks body if it is okay. When answer comes back ‘I’m not sure’ then biological stress system kicks in (cortisol released and can turn into unconscious anxiety). If you have any worries in your life at this time, it’s like pouring a geyser of gasoline on an already-burning fire. If you are having cortisol and adrenaline surges because of stress on top of estrogen and progesterone glitches, this can be experienced as a powerful emotional meltdown and/or an intensification of hot flashes.
4/Navigating the Wilderness: Estrogen lowers a woman’s risk of dementia, heart disease, diabetes, and osteoporosis. A flawed WHI study said the opposite, so hormone therapy was halted for 20 years. Actually, risk of increase in breast cancer is quite low. What is troubling is that the quality of life for women was taken off the table. Most doctors are not well versed in HT and menopausal treatments. If you wait too long to start HT then you will not get all the benefits. Estrogen is an essential joy vitamin for many women. SSRI’s are an option for those who can’t take HT. The evidence is clear that estrogen protects brain, cognition, and mood. As hormones shift in the transition, as they pull other neurochemicals with them that regulate sleeping, waking, biological stress, temperature variation tolerance, you get pulled off homeostasis.
5/Renewal: Your brain in Search of a New Reality: For a long time, I was tortured over losing my looks. I remember the torture of trying to hide my age. Once I allowed myself to grieve my old life and my old self, things got much simpler. Now I am proud of every wrinkle on my face and every year I have lived. Now that I am not cycling up and down (weight) every month, things are so much more peaceful. I feel comfortable in my own skin in a way I never did in my life. The more you resist (a negative state) the more it persists. When I had the chance to rest and heal, my mind came roaring back. Once I got away from a threatening environment, my brain got creative again. Centering, feeling at home and at ease in a new reality, is a gift of the Upgrade. It took a long time for me to realize that I have something to offer younger women. By the time you reach your late forties or fifties, you’ve been through a mountain of experience. I am here to signal to your brain that you are just getting started in becoming who you’re meant to be. Running away before you know what you’re running toward can be a big mistake at any age but especially now. Make sure you know what you want. And consider that you might need some downtime to reflect. Passively riding out our later years in a fog of denial about old age and death is not optimized. It’s giving in to the cloak of invisibility, of uselessness, a downgrade. Pauline’s granddaughter asked for style advice and had other answers for her too! The culture does not hand out belief in self to women as a birthright the way it does to men. When we actively engage in tasks and accomplish them, the reward system of the brain kicks in and releases dopamine. What you spend time pondering, that’s what we become. The thought or emotion takes over your mind, and soon it impacts your behavior. Even if you are done working, you are not done growing.
6/Neuroscience of Self-Care: think about what it was like to be a newborn. Cycles of eating, sleeping, and getting rid of waste controlled your day. Every thought, plan, or movement was governed by the very strict schedule your tiny body needed because neurohormones are stimulated by a regular light/dark cycle and a reliable routine lays the best foundation for brain development and overall health. When does the body stop needing a schedule? The body we inhabit and the brain we count on never stopped being the baby that needs a schedule. More than half of the brain is made of cells that clean up synaptic trash and bring nutrition to neurons. Getting to sleep and staying asleep requires the balancing of a complex system of neurochemical waves rising and falling, hormones released and withdrawn that drive behavior. The brain’s glymphatic system flush all the wasted proteins out. With at least 6 uninterrupted hours of healthy, natural sleep, the brains’ immune cells, microglia have the chance to emerge like careful nighttime gardeners to trim away the overgrowth and carry out trash. Chronic stress means chronic elevation of cortisol, making it nearly impossible to form new accurate memories during periods of extended grief and trauma. Albert Einstein passed away, his brain was studied and his astrocyte (cleaning cell) count was off the charts. He was famous for sleeping 10 hours a night and taking a nap almost everyday. In our 60’s we need 7-9 hours of sleep. 6 hours is associated with sterile (not caused by an infection) inflammation. Reducing stress: alternate nostril breathing which tricks the vagus nerve into activating the body’s calming circuits. Meditative engagement of nurturing moment (time you felt loved). The Gut Brain: entire GI tract (esophagus to anus) is wrapped in a web of interconnected neurons burrowed with the bowel wall the regulates motility and secretions. ENS (enteric nervous system) and called second brain. Vagus Nerve: Long, wandering nerve in charge of breathing, heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, wake and sleep cycles, emotional well-being. The usually healthy bacteria that take up residence in our intestines help us grow, develop, and live a healthy life. This microbiome is essential to helping our immune system do its job of maintaining balance between inflammation and anti-inflammation. Vagus nerve ranges between everything is okay and poison=vomit now. Progesterone helps bolster the microbiome’s population of lactobacillus (L reuteri), which is protective against depression and anxiety. Other ways to help your gut: 12-16 hours between dinner and breakfast, aerobic exercise, Mediterranean diet. When we ingest a consistent flow of sugary food and drink, cytokines (proinflammatory immunity protein) overstay their welcome and inflammation becomes chronic; the result is progressive tissue damage rather than repair. Food, sleep, and exercise can be medicine. Eat (less), pray (it doesn’t make me fat), love (my body).
7/Your Brain in Search of Connection: The part of the brain that registers social pain from isolation, the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), is also part of our basic primate empathy circuit. The ACC is part of what enables us to feel and react to another’s emotions and pain. High levels of cortisol from feeling isolated can make that wiring go askew over time. Connecting with others – the need to belong – is as deep a survival instinct as eating, drinking, and sleeping. Social connection activates the brain’s physical reward circuitry far more than researchers imagined. Recognizing the symptoms of lacking connection is much harder than recognizing the symptoms of hunger, thirst or sleepiness. The tent of me: The more frequently our nervous system comes into contact with another’s nervous system, the more influenced our own becomes by theirs, the more we incorporate the feeling of being around them into the feeling of ‘me.’ Sitting or walking or talking together, our heartbeats attune our blood pressure syncs, and we begin to breathe in unison. If there is a dramatic or abrupt change in a relationship with someone to whom we are close, to whom we are used to being around, the brain and nervous system crave their proximity intensely. Tricks and Traps of Refilling the Tent: These chronic feelings of not belonging can drive a cascade of biological events that accelerate the aging process, even increasing the risk of dementia. Toxic familiarity: we are drawn to the same kind of problems we are used to. The social stress circuits become more sensitive as women get older because the HPA (hypothalamic, pituitary, adrenal) axis responds more quickly to social stress but takes more time and attention to calm and reset. Resetting the Nervous system: Through nervous system harmonization, we physically incorporate the people we are close to. You don’t realize it’s like singing in harmony until your choirmate is gone. The experience of reciprocity that happens when we are a part of a circle of others feels good to the brain and nervous system.
8/Upgrading the Mommy Brain: When the mommy -brain circuits turn on, it changes who you are. No matter how quickly they’ve grown up, no matter how old we are, the mommy-brain circuits are very hard to turn off. Our frontal lobes are always on for problem solving. Though everything may be okay, our overthinking and over concern will create problems where they don’t exist, pushing us to interfere and rescue when there is no crisis to be rescued from. Her son: yes, I am lonely, but seeing you isn’t going to do anything about it. My anxious presence was keeping him from exploring how to address his own loneliness. Showing me that let me off the hook. Man helps struggling butterfly but then it cannot fly because hatching is what is supposed to make it strong. How you deal with the incorporation of your child into your tent of ‘me’ can have a dramatic impact on your own life. The upgrade is our chance to radiate strength and goodness powered by wisdom and courage to hold the space for whatever is emerging for the adult child. It takes patience. It’s exhausting taking care of active grandchildren. I want time for walks, for thinking, for rest, for reevaluating life, priorities, choices. If I am growing consciously into a better person, I can be better for everyone. If I can find peace and happiness, that will make a difference to others around me. My happiness is not selfish – it is a contribution to the happiness of others. Making sure that we are meeting our best interests in a way that actually makes us better to and for everyone around us. Mom to son: You’re an adult. I’m sure you can find people at the airport to help you figure it out (lost passport). Woman about her husband: I ignore questions about where things are and he manages to find whatever he’s looking for all by himself. We recognize that our tentpole doesn’t belong to anyone else, and we can see there is little we can do to fix the minds of others. After trying to control others, acceptance of the truth of powerlessness over most everything frees us to finally know ourselves.
9/The Relationship Brain: Women spend a lifetime perfecting ability to anticipate the needs and moods of others (anyone in subordinate position develops this skill). For the most part I kept feeling like I’d lost my center, that I couldn’t feel my own emotion, my own discomfort. It felt like I didn’t have a self that wasn’t absorbed in his reality. Many times I’ve found myself holding attitudes or behaving in ways that don’t feel native to me, attitudes and behaviors I might not be proud of. Neuroscience shows how many of our attitudes and habits and how much of our physiology come from what we absorb from those closest to us. Someone else’s suffering lights up the pain circuits in our own brains. Sylvia managed to separate, to remain connected to Robert but not be overwhelmed by his moods by maintaining her tent of ‘me.’ At first her practice to disconnect from Robert’s mood felt wrong to her. We become hypervigilant to the needs of the boss. Mice living as a couple had poorer memory and cognition (more inflammation) than those who were involved in small group (6 mice) living. Connection and belonging trigger a soothing cocktail of neurotransmitters that regulate mood and provide a buffer in times of stress and anxiety.
10/Centering: Waves leave imprints. Wading through calm waters, we feel their ridges in the sand beneath our feet, evidence of their passage. Though our hormonal waves may have calmed in the Upgrade, their echoes are still imprinted in the tent of ‘me.’ To emerge into an optimized Upgrade means using our attention and our intelligence to take full control of our own tent pole, learning how to keep it from being yanked out of the ground or snapped in half by echoes of waves that no longer pound the shores. Do something to get us back to our cushion of familiarity at the center of the tent of ‘me.’ You see women in their 80’s not eating, wobbling around in high heels, wigs, and heavy makeup. What we are up against: divorced, kids grow up, higher suicide rate of women over 60, women biased against other women. By recognizing the biological and neurochemical principles in the female brain, we can see which circuits we are reinforcing through our physical, mental, and emotional habits. The tent pole becomes unshakable.
11/Body Hacks for the Mind: The biggest biological impact on emotion is hormones. Ghrelin=eat, testosterone=sex, oxytocin=repair relationship, progesterone=curl up under blanket, cortisol & adrenaline=fear, frustration, anger. After burst of cortisol, it can take up to 5 days for the brain to reset to the new normal. Chronic rumination can raise cortisol levels. When we make choices that hinder the brain’s capacity to remain strong, vibrant, and sharp, we can all too easily slip into smaller and sadder worlds that can spiral into isolation and melancholy. Movement is cognition and cognition is movement: When people get profound melancholic depression, it affects their movement. The motor system also goes into clinical depression along with motivation and mood. If we are nervous or very upset, the cerebellum is inhibited by the body’s threat response. 80% of the cerebellum’s functioning was related to areas that deal with judgment. Because it is connected to the emotion, reward, and judgment centers of the brain, physical and emotional balance can be understood as part of the same process. Author prescribes 20-30 min walk for sadness instead of medications. Cultivating Joy: The longer we are subject to excess chronic cortisol and adrenaline, the more they alter our perception of the motives of others. Movement is connected to our first success at survival as babies (breastfeeding). Play is co-mingled with joy in the nervous system. Drink a shot of joy every day by moving to music, walking in nature, jumping into a pool. When the joy circuit needs a jump start (HT and SSRI): by the time a woman would come to see doctor, she would be at the end of her rope emotionally. Deliberate breathing also helps. Tiny Muscles and first thoughts: upon wake up, wiggle toes (activates longest nerve - sciatic) and smile. Essential first thoughts (EFTs) from God: I love you and I will be working for you today. 20-minute interval program: 2 min warm up walk, 1 min fast walk, 1 min slow jog, 1 min faster jog, 1 min run at good pace (repeat 4 times = 16 min), finish with 2 min walking cool down. Study people (aged 60-80) the more fit they were, the more words they were able to mentally access. Butt squeezes and squats aid balance.
12/The Return of Purpose: Each woman would tell you she had been torn down to the bone, pride stripped, life shattered. Everything each once held dear had been released, including old strategies – drinking, travel, shopping, excessive exercise, and obsessive self-improvement – to acquire peace. They allowed tough times to bring out their best, relishing their ability to meet a struggle, even when it was hard. They found purpose again, and not a bit of it was driven by anyone or anything outside their own internal engine. Life Extension: Jane became an infant mental health specialist (since she only had one grandchild and wanted more). Doctor takes up photography. Sherry became a consultant to café and restaurant owners. Clearing the Obstacle of Worry: estrogen keeps the female brain hypervigilant to danger in its drive to protect the vulnerable ones. Keeping purpose on track: women turn do