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Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies That Really Work
"All behavior makes sense"
'"It most certainly does not!", is probably your first reaction.
Parenting and neuroscience expert Robyn Gobbel is here to reveal how all behavior, no matter how baffling, can be explained and remedied. You just need to look past the behavior and understand what's going on inside.
Robyn decodes the latest brain science into easy-to-understand principles and metaphors to help you become an expert in your child's behavior. She reveals simple ways to help you regulate and connect with your child, with brain-, body- and sensory-based strategies to overcome day-to-day challenges. She also provides you with the knowledge to understand and regulate your own brain so that you don't flip your lid when your child flips theirs.
Let this be your lifeline for parenting or caring for any child with baffling behaviors and hidden challenges, including kids who have experienced adversity, or with additional needs.
'"It most certainly does not!", is probably your first reaction.
Parenting and neuroscience expert Robyn Gobbel is here to reveal how all behavior, no matter how baffling, can be explained and remedied. You just need to look past the behavior and understand what's going on inside.
Robyn decodes the latest brain science into easy-to-understand principles and metaphors to help you become an expert in your child's behavior. She reveals simple ways to help you regulate and connect with your child, with brain-, body- and sensory-based strategies to overcome day-to-day challenges. She also provides you with the knowledge to understand and regulate your own brain so that you don't flip your lid when your child flips theirs.
Let this be your lifeline for parenting or caring for any child with baffling behaviors and hidden challenges, including kids who have experienced adversity, or with additional needs.
269 pages, Kindle Edition
Published September 21, 2023
741 people are currently reading
2091 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 166 reviews
September 29, 2024
Reading the first section of this book was like shoving spikes into my eyes. In fact, I could list greivances against this book for a very rude length of time. But I'm very glad I read it. Not only did it help me understand my "possum" child, it helped me understand the biggest, most baffling book I've read recently: Good Inside, by Becky Kennedy.
Both Robyn Gobbel and Becky Kennedy are clinical psychologists who deal with difficult children in an office setting. Both of them wrote the books. The contents of the books are remarkably similar. I'd argue they wrote almost the same book in very different ways.
But there is one extremely notable difference between the two: Kennedy wrote her book for mainstream parents seeking gentle parenting methods. She considers her strategies to apply to regular parents and regular kids.
Gobbel wrote her book for kids with overactive "fight or flight" responses. This triggerhair response is what leads to their "big baffling behaviors." Those behaviors are persistent, maladaptive behaviors that are inappropriate for their age. If you find yourself with a child who consistently does not act their age, this book might be for you.
Let's take an example. Kennedy makes it sound like no child on earth will develop with a healthy psyche if they hesitate to go to a birthday party and their parent says "Just do it, there's nothing to be afraid of, see you later." Gobbel, on the other hand, says that if you notice your child overreacts to new situations, you may want to prepare them before the birthday party. You should remain on high alert as you approach the party, and be prepared to diffuse and deescalate. However, she repeats often that this an exhausting way to parent, and absolutely not necessary for the average child.
This plays out in each author's approach to the parents as well. Kennedy has a diminutive section for the parent's self-care. It boils down to "you can feel sorry for yourself occasionally." Gobbel dedicates her entire final third of the book to addressing the stress of parenting in this very extra way.
If you didn't come here to read about Good Inside, I apologize and I'm going to move on to summarizing big baffling behaviors for two reasons: (1) I found it kind of annoying to read, so I'd like to give you a thorough opportunity to decide if this book is for you. (2) My husband isn't going to read this book but he needs to know the contents, so here come the Spark Notes.
Why are some kids on edge all the time? It's telling that Gobbel chooses an adopted kid as her primary example in this book, because her explanation is pretty parent-blaming. She says if the caregiver is "mean, weak, or gone" then babies won't develop a proper feeling of safety. She also mentions that autoimmune conditions might cause kids to be on edge a lot. But otherwise, she doesn't explore other reasons that won't saddle the mother with blame. (Because let's be real: it's the mother.)
Maybe the kid just has really big feelings -- all of them? Or maybe the caregiver was "mean, weak, or gone," because the infant was in the NICU, they had colic or some other painful condition, or, ahdunno maybe some kids are just born extra needy? I liked how they put it in the enneagram book: maybe Sevens all have deficient parenting. Or maybe no parent could ever meet the bottomless needs of the Seven.
If you can get past that, Gobbels is a pragmatic and realistic author. You do need to read her examples to understand what she's getting at, often. But I'll do my best to state it clearly as I understood it.
First, she provides preemptive strategies to employ daily when things are smooth to keep them going smoothly.
Next she provides specific strategies to handling the increasing stages of deregulation for a "watchdog" child. That's the kind of kid who gets loud and/or violent when upset.
Then she provides strategies for the increased stages of deregulation for a "possum" child. That's the kind of kid who gets quieter and more withdrawn when upset.
Finally, she provides strategies for staying regulated yourself, because she understands that all of the above are unusually demanding. She says to think about it like your kid broke their arm and you have to do things for them until it heals. You need to do all this extra parenting until your kid's psyche heals.
General, all-the-time strategies:
- stay close to your child and supervise so you can step in before things get out of hand (especially during triggering activities or times of day).
- make sure they never become hangry or overstimulated.
- keep their lives predictable and provide clear warnings of change.
- scaffold activities they find challenging.
- spend quality time together regularly.
The goal of the above list is to create positive neural pathways of safety, and avoid retreading the negative ones as much as possible so they prune away.
When you see a watchdog child start to lose it:
- Give them an immediate "yes" to their demand so they don't lose it. But qualify it as necessary afterward.
- Take a break from whatever is causing the distress.
- Show them how to seek and ask for a compromise between what you both want.
- Provide a sensory experience. This could be a snack, warm drink, bath, craft, etc. Obviously you cannot always pop your angry child into the bath. This bears mentioning, because I have absolutely read parenting books that make it sound like tossing your kid into the bath when they get upset is a brilliant parenting hack. Gobbel sees it more as a way of cooling off after a stressful incident to head off the long tail of grumpy behavior that follows. Basically, if your child is acting stressed and you can get them absorbed into some kind of sensory experience, that can diffuse their feelings.
- If things escalate: step back, crouch low, signal with words and body language that you are not a threat. If shit really hits the fan, just stay safe and also be safe for your child.
The possum chapter had much less content and isn't organized as neatly, but the strategies are essentially the same.
- Recognize the distress. This is especially important for possums because their maladaptive behavior is often disguised as spaciness or even compliance.
- "Trickster" possum has no opinion except your opinion and is cute and charming to make you love them. Apparently this isn't good. They are seeking safety by sucking up.
- Use sportscasting to loudly notice things about the Possum that are not their compliant veneer. That is, focus less on what great little kids they are, and more on the preferences and interests that make them unique. Also use it to tease out their actual desires, preferences, and opinions when they aren't expressing any. For example, if you ask them whether they'd prefer cookies or cake and they say "either" you can mention that they keep looking at the cookie and therefore you suspect they might rather have that one. The goal is to show them that you love and respect who they really are no matter what.
- Remove the source of stress so it doesn't escalate.
- Provide sensory soothing.
- Just be with them however they are comfortable. Don't try too hard to force yourself on them; that's what they're defending against. I actually tried this on my possum five minutes after reading it. He was curled up in a ball but pushed me away. I said "Okay, I'll be right over here; let me know when you're ready for a hug." It took less than sixty seconds. Magic.
If your possum starts acting out more aggressively, that's a success! Don't ask me how to parent that; it wasn't in this book. But I did notice she has a podcast episode on that specific topic.
She has a section to answer concerns that you're spoiling your kid. Basically, no, because this is a special case.
Her last section is directed at the parent. She says many of the strategies provided for the kids can also help a parent who is feeling triggered by their kid's behavior. That, in fact, the entire family needs to be treated together to widen their window of what they can tolerate.
This last section is really the most endearing part of the book. Plenty of parenting books give you a hefty task and not a lot of personal tools for pulling off. Gobbel made me feel seen.
She realizes that half of parenting is about the parent, not the kid. She has several strategies to help you cope with the more challenging aspects of parenting. She reiterates that this is a wobbly process spiraling vaguely in the right direction. Nothing changes overnight.
First she talks about "self care" although she calls it "bicep curls for the stress response." Here she advises:
- Seek connection. This can be with a coparent, a support group, or just a group of friends who will let you vent and support you positively.
- Playfulness. Be open to delight. It's easy to get caught up in stress and become a 24/7 grump. Don't. Seek things that make you laugh. Actively seek to cheer up.
- Noticing the good. She tries hard to avoid saying "develop an attitude of gratitude" but that's basically it. Find something small that makes you feel content and focus on it.
- Self-compassion. You are dealing with something hard. You are doing the best you can. You deserve compassion.
Next she approaches the topic of how to stay regulated when your kid is flipping out. Regulation is catchy, but dysregulation is catchier. She recommends that you do the following as a post-mortem to moments of dysregulation. Go over them in your mind and do the following:
- Notice. Notice what got under your skin. Notice your growing feeling of irritation. Notice how it manifests in your feelings and behavior.
- Acknowledge without judgement. Acknowledge that you were angry and dysregulated. That you lost control. But don't judge yourself for it. It happens. It happened.
- Self-Compassion. Nobody likes losing it. You didn't enjoy the experience, that's why you're doing this exercise. You are trying.
- Release tension. Do something soothing. Take a deep breath. Drink an ice-cold beverage. Find your sensory soother. Heck: take a bath if you can.
If you do this enough as a post-mortem, she says eventually you'll find this exercise creeping into your moments of dysregulation. Like everything else, it's a skill you need to build up. It won't change overnight just because you've read it in a book.
After reading this final chapter, I couldn't resist looking up her podcast, and I saw episodes that addressed specific questions I had while reading this book. So, I guess I'm going to listen to at least a few. I'm quite amazed that I went from "omg I hate this book" to seeking additional material.
Both Robyn Gobbel and Becky Kennedy are clinical psychologists who deal with difficult children in an office setting. Both of them wrote the books. The contents of the books are remarkably similar. I'd argue they wrote almost the same book in very different ways.
But there is one extremely notable difference between the two: Kennedy wrote her book for mainstream parents seeking gentle parenting methods. She considers her strategies to apply to regular parents and regular kids.
Gobbel wrote her book for kids with overactive "fight or flight" responses. This triggerhair response is what leads to their "big baffling behaviors." Those behaviors are persistent, maladaptive behaviors that are inappropriate for their age. If you find yourself with a child who consistently does not act their age, this book might be for you.
Let's take an example. Kennedy makes it sound like no child on earth will develop with a healthy psyche if they hesitate to go to a birthday party and their parent says "Just do it, there's nothing to be afraid of, see you later." Gobbel, on the other hand, says that if you notice your child overreacts to new situations, you may want to prepare them before the birthday party. You should remain on high alert as you approach the party, and be prepared to diffuse and deescalate. However, she repeats often that this an exhausting way to parent, and absolutely not necessary for the average child.
This plays out in each author's approach to the parents as well. Kennedy has a diminutive section for the parent's self-care. It boils down to "you can feel sorry for yourself occasionally." Gobbel dedicates her entire final third of the book to addressing the stress of parenting in this very extra way.
If you didn't come here to read about Good Inside, I apologize and I'm going to move on to summarizing big baffling behaviors for two reasons: (1) I found it kind of annoying to read, so I'd like to give you a thorough opportunity to decide if this book is for you. (2) My husband isn't going to read this book but he needs to know the contents, so here come the Spark Notes.
Why are some kids on edge all the time? It's telling that Gobbel chooses an adopted kid as her primary example in this book, because her explanation is pretty parent-blaming. She says if the caregiver is "mean, weak, or gone" then babies won't develop a proper feeling of safety. She also mentions that autoimmune conditions might cause kids to be on edge a lot. But otherwise, she doesn't explore other reasons that won't saddle the mother with blame. (Because let's be real: it's the mother.)
Maybe the kid just has really big feelings -- all of them? Or maybe the caregiver was "mean, weak, or gone," because the infant was in the NICU, they had colic or some other painful condition, or, ahdunno maybe some kids are just born extra needy? I liked how they put it in the enneagram book: maybe Sevens all have deficient parenting. Or maybe no parent could ever meet the bottomless needs of the Seven.
If you can get past that, Gobbels is a pragmatic and realistic author. You do need to read her examples to understand what she's getting at, often. But I'll do my best to state it clearly as I understood it.
First, she provides preemptive strategies to employ daily when things are smooth to keep them going smoothly.
Next she provides specific strategies to handling the increasing stages of deregulation for a "watchdog" child. That's the kind of kid who gets loud and/or violent when upset.
Then she provides strategies for the increased stages of deregulation for a "possum" child. That's the kind of kid who gets quieter and more withdrawn when upset.
Finally, she provides strategies for staying regulated yourself, because she understands that all of the above are unusually demanding. She says to think about it like your kid broke their arm and you have to do things for them until it heals. You need to do all this extra parenting until your kid's psyche heals.
General, all-the-time strategies:
- stay close to your child and supervise so you can step in before things get out of hand (especially during triggering activities or times of day).
- make sure they never become hangry or overstimulated.
- keep their lives predictable and provide clear warnings of change.
- scaffold activities they find challenging.
- spend quality time together regularly.
The goal of the above list is to create positive neural pathways of safety, and avoid retreading the negative ones as much as possible so they prune away.
When you see a watchdog child start to lose it:
- Give them an immediate "yes" to their demand so they don't lose it. But qualify it as necessary afterward.
- Take a break from whatever is causing the distress.
- Show them how to seek and ask for a compromise between what you both want.
- Provide a sensory experience. This could be a snack, warm drink, bath, craft, etc. Obviously you cannot always pop your angry child into the bath. This bears mentioning, because I have absolutely read parenting books that make it sound like tossing your kid into the bath when they get upset is a brilliant parenting hack. Gobbel sees it more as a way of cooling off after a stressful incident to head off the long tail of grumpy behavior that follows. Basically, if your child is acting stressed and you can get them absorbed into some kind of sensory experience, that can diffuse their feelings.
- If things escalate: step back, crouch low, signal with words and body language that you are not a threat. If shit really hits the fan, just stay safe and also be safe for your child.
The possum chapter had much less content and isn't organized as neatly, but the strategies are essentially the same.
- Recognize the distress. This is especially important for possums because their maladaptive behavior is often disguised as spaciness or even compliance.
- "Trickster" possum has no opinion except your opinion and is cute and charming to make you love them. Apparently this isn't good. They are seeking safety by sucking up.
- Use sportscasting to loudly notice things about the Possum that are not their compliant veneer. That is, focus less on what great little kids they are, and more on the preferences and interests that make them unique. Also use it to tease out their actual desires, preferences, and opinions when they aren't expressing any. For example, if you ask them whether they'd prefer cookies or cake and they say "either" you can mention that they keep looking at the cookie and therefore you suspect they might rather have that one. The goal is to show them that you love and respect who they really are no matter what.
- Remove the source of stress so it doesn't escalate.
- Provide sensory soothing.
- Just be with them however they are comfortable. Don't try too hard to force yourself on them; that's what they're defending against. I actually tried this on my possum five minutes after reading it. He was curled up in a ball but pushed me away. I said "Okay, I'll be right over here; let me know when you're ready for a hug." It took less than sixty seconds. Magic.
If your possum starts acting out more aggressively, that's a success! Don't ask me how to parent that; it wasn't in this book. But I did notice she has a podcast episode on that specific topic.
She has a section to answer concerns that you're spoiling your kid. Basically, no, because this is a special case.
Her last section is directed at the parent. She says many of the strategies provided for the kids can also help a parent who is feeling triggered by their kid's behavior. That, in fact, the entire family needs to be treated together to widen their window of what they can tolerate.
This last section is really the most endearing part of the book. Plenty of parenting books give you a hefty task and not a lot of personal tools for pulling off. Gobbel made me feel seen.
She realizes that half of parenting is about the parent, not the kid. She has several strategies to help you cope with the more challenging aspects of parenting. She reiterates that this is a wobbly process spiraling vaguely in the right direction. Nothing changes overnight.
First she talks about "self care" although she calls it "bicep curls for the stress response." Here she advises:
- Seek connection. This can be with a coparent, a support group, or just a group of friends who will let you vent and support you positively.
- Playfulness. Be open to delight. It's easy to get caught up in stress and become a 24/7 grump. Don't. Seek things that make you laugh. Actively seek to cheer up.
- Noticing the good. She tries hard to avoid saying "develop an attitude of gratitude" but that's basically it. Find something small that makes you feel content and focus on it.
- Self-compassion. You are dealing with something hard. You are doing the best you can. You deserve compassion.
Next she approaches the topic of how to stay regulated when your kid is flipping out. Regulation is catchy, but dysregulation is catchier. She recommends that you do the following as a post-mortem to moments of dysregulation. Go over them in your mind and do the following:
- Notice. Notice what got under your skin. Notice your growing feeling of irritation. Notice how it manifests in your feelings and behavior.
- Acknowledge without judgement. Acknowledge that you were angry and dysregulated. That you lost control. But don't judge yourself for it. It happens. It happened.
- Self-Compassion. Nobody likes losing it. You didn't enjoy the experience, that's why you're doing this exercise. You are trying.
- Release tension. Do something soothing. Take a deep breath. Drink an ice-cold beverage. Find your sensory soother. Heck: take a bath if you can.
If you do this enough as a post-mortem, she says eventually you'll find this exercise creeping into your moments of dysregulation. Like everything else, it's a skill you need to build up. It won't change overnight just because you've read it in a book.
After reading this final chapter, I couldn't resist looking up her podcast, and I saw episodes that addressed specific questions I had while reading this book. So, I guess I'm going to listen to at least a few. I'm quite amazed that I went from "omg I hate this book" to seeking additional material.
January 14, 2024
I wish I had more than 5 stars to give this, and I wish I’d had this book 10-15 years ago, as both a parent and an educator. It’s written clearly and lays out a cohesive vision for how our brains work individually and together to connect and protect us. Her explanations and recommendations are realistic and compassionate, not the directives and promises in other parenting books that always break down under pressure. I recommend this book for anyone who needs a trauma-informed approach to helping yourself and a child cope with challenging behaviour.
September 28, 2023
Best book I have ready on parenting kids with traumatic experiences. But applicable enough to parents raising kids without any history of trauma
January 25, 2025
One of the best trauma informed parenting books I’ve read! Easy to read and full of helpful parenting strategies. Practically felt like I was in a therapy session. I regret not reading this book sooner.
My takeaways include:
1. No behavior is maladaptive. All behavior makes sense
2. Be curious instead of controlling. Behavior is just a clue to what’s going on inside the brain
3. Regulated connected kids who feel safe behave well (Owl brain)
4. Trauma causes the brainstem to fuel the body with way too much energy or way too little energy (Watchdog brain vs Possum brain)
Raising children with vulnerable nervous systems is no small feat. The change that I desire may not be observable for a long time, but I’m hopefully that I am a more regulated and informed parent after reading this book.
My takeaways include:
1. No behavior is maladaptive. All behavior makes sense
2. Be curious instead of controlling. Behavior is just a clue to what’s going on inside the brain
3. Regulated connected kids who feel safe behave well (Owl brain)
4. Trauma causes the brainstem to fuel the body with way too much energy or way too little energy (Watchdog brain vs Possum brain)
Raising children with vulnerable nervous systems is no small feat. The change that I desire may not be observable for a long time, but I’m hopefully that I am a more regulated and informed parent after reading this book.
April 7, 2025
32. That’s the number of parenting books I’ve read thus far. THIS IS THE BEST ONE. If only it had been available 18 years ago, it would have saved me a lot of confusion and shame and heartache.
The book is aimed at parents whose kids have trauma in their background, but this is important info for anyone who lives in relationship with humans. Robyn succinctly breaks down the work of Dan Siegel, Stephen Porges, Deb Dana, and Bruce Perry into a very easily digestible format by anthropomorphizing the stress responses as animals (owl, watchdog, possum). You will learn the science behind behavior effortlessly as well as how to create the right conditions for change to occur. It is both theoretical and very practical and specific. And, unlike many parenting books, there is continual grace and even expectation that you as the parent will not do this perfectly, not even close. And that’s okay.
Regulation. Connection. Felt Safety. These are the keys that unlock the door to change.
The book is aimed at parents whose kids have trauma in their background, but this is important info for anyone who lives in relationship with humans. Robyn succinctly breaks down the work of Dan Siegel, Stephen Porges, Deb Dana, and Bruce Perry into a very easily digestible format by anthropomorphizing the stress responses as animals (owl, watchdog, possum). You will learn the science behind behavior effortlessly as well as how to create the right conditions for change to occur. It is both theoretical and very practical and specific. And, unlike many parenting books, there is continual grace and even expectation that you as the parent will not do this perfectly, not even close. And that’s okay.
Regulation. Connection. Felt Safety. These are the keys that unlock the door to change.
November 27, 2024
Every single therapist and parent, regardless of if your kids/clients have baffling behaviors or not, should Read. This. Book. Holy moly. So insightful and makes so much sense from the neurological lens Gobbel describes. I have started trying to use some of these approaches during OT with my tough kiddos and it has made a difference for sure. I wish Robyn Gobbel could see every single one of my patients and families.
March 18, 2024
I wish I could give this book 8,000 stars. I feel seen.
July 9, 2024
There is a lot of neat advice that oversimplifies why kids may have emotional outbursts, in my view, but the advice about coregulation feels sound. As the author describes the differences between owl brain, watchdog brain, possum brain and the various reiterations of these basic levels of cognition, she sets a pretty good framework for addressing a child with a highly sensitive nervous system. I have read a lot of books on this topic, and this one was by far the most compassionate to the parent, and addresses the importance of regulating our own brains as parents, while also acknowledging that difficult task. The author contends all behavior makes sense. I have some difficulty with the premise, but am happy to employ the strategies to help a child coregulate and to also shift from anger to trying to understand. Another interesting part was the discussion of the possum brain--the child who has no opinion and goes with the flow but does so because they need to feel safe. This was a new concept to me. Overall, I recommend the book.
April 23, 2024
Really good info! I like the concepts of the owl, watchdog, and possum brain. It provides a simple way to explain what’s going on when kids have big behaviors.
I didn’t love the formatting of the book. I just personally get annoyed when books spend so much time telling what is going to happen in future chapters.
I didn’t love the formatting of the book. I just personally get annoyed when books spend so much time telling what is going to happen in future chapters.
May 31, 2024
This would have been so useful when I was raising my kids!!! It was very validating for those of us who have fostered or adopted from foster care. Now I can use these skills in my job and hopefully make a difference as I care for foster youth.
February 20, 2025
If I could give it seven stars, I would. Insightful, compassionate, well organized, great research, good examples.
August 22, 2025
This book should be required reading for any foster/adoptive parent, but is such a valuable resource for parents whose kids have big, baffling behaviors, or really anyone who wants to better understand brain-based parenting. I found Robyn’s podcast and resources eye opening when I was in the thick of our foster parenting journey, but wow, do I wish I had this whole book then. It gave me so much (more) compassion for children who have navigated trauma and all the ways that experience changes them, as well as myself and others who parent amid these challenges. I even shed a tear a time or two 😭 please, read this!
December 28, 2025
This was a struggle to get through because I felt so insulted by it. The author makes it seem like kids’ behaviors are brought on by trauma-inflicting parents. I know I make daily mistakes, but the idea that I have not created connection for my children, and this is why they are dysregulated, is ridiculous.
Valuable for the idea of slowing down and recognizing when brains are receptive to instruction. But, there are much more agreeable, less cheesy and annoying, packages to receive/be reminded of that information in.
Valuable for the idea of slowing down and recognizing when brains are receptive to instruction. But, there are much more agreeable, less cheesy and annoying, packages to receive/be reminded of that information in.
March 3, 2024
This book changed the way I parent. Our oldest is gifted with ADHD tendencies (not tested yet) and we have had to pivot hard on how to parent him and therefore our other two. Robyn Gobbel presents information in an easy-to-read format, understandable, easily followed and overall wonderfully palatable. The conversation + explanation format allows me as the reader to feel heard and seen. I really benefitted from reading this and re omens it to any parent who is curious on other ways to parent their children when what they’ve known isn’t leading to a regulated child.
October 29, 2025
The content was okay but delivery was condescending.
February 25, 2025
Of all the parenting books I've read, and there have been many, this is the one I would recommend above them all! I felt seen, I cried, and I truly think this book has helped me grow in my compassion towards myself and my kids. I love Neuroscience and I so appreciate the language of this book in how it speaks to connection, co-regulation, and the autonomic nervous system. It's insightful, it's practical, and it's written with a lot of empathy. If you are parenting kids with trauma, this needs to go to the top of your TBR list.
April 30, 2024
Anyone who has kids, works with kids or has even looked at a kid, needs to read it. It took forever to read because there was so much information. I’m pretty sure I underlined 83% of the book. It. Is. So. Good.
I will be referring back to this book for the rest of my life (Or til I’m done raising kids with baffling behaviors.)
I will be referring back to this book for the rest of my life (Or til I’m done raising kids with baffling behaviors.)
October 23, 2025
My one gripe is that this book felt a bit parent-blamey--like the only reason your kid could ever possibly have a vulnerable nervous system is if they've experienced massive parental trauma. There are other things that can contribute to kids behaving in "baffling" ways (why on earth doesn't she mention neurodivergence??), and I'd like to hear less about how we as parents have failed our kids and that's why they're struggling (I am by no means a perfect parent, but I am a cycle-breaker so writers can stop coming for me).
That being said, the book is a treasure trove of information about how the nervous system works, how to soothe and regulate (CO-REGULATE), and how to approach both your struggling child and yourself with compassion as you parent through hard things. I feel like I finally have some insight into what's going on with my kid (who is likely neurodivergent), and how to connect with him and help him. Because of this, I still have to give the book 5 stars.
I am confident enough in my parenting and in my own personal growth to know I haven't failed my child, so I can put the parent-blaming aside as I read this book. If you DON'T experience that kind of self-assurance, maybe sit this one out until you've experienced some healing (which I hope you do, because you deserve it).
That being said, the book is a treasure trove of information about how the nervous system works, how to soothe and regulate (CO-REGULATE), and how to approach both your struggling child and yourself with compassion as you parent through hard things. I feel like I finally have some insight into what's going on with my kid (who is likely neurodivergent), and how to connect with him and help him. Because of this, I still have to give the book 5 stars.
I am confident enough in my parenting and in my own personal growth to know I haven't failed my child, so I can put the parent-blaming aside as I read this book. If you DON'T experience that kind of self-assurance, maybe sit this one out until you've experienced some healing (which I hope you do, because you deserve it).
May 8, 2025
this book is a lot. it took me a long time to get through it, but i loved it. possibly too deep / too dense for a typical parenting situation, but if you’re in the trenches with an especially tough situation / child, (or if you yourself maybe had a rough childhood or life experience and are struggling in parenting,) it will be refreshing. she hit on all the spots that “typical” parenting books and experts don’t seem to get, and my favorite part was that she not only had so much compassion for struggling kids, but also spent a lot of time on the parents / caretakers experience, which i usually feel is totally missing in this genre. she really goes deep and covers topics at length, which you have to be prepared to take in, but i feel is so helpful. highly recommend it as an audiobook! the writing structure is unique and took me a bit to get into, but once i did, i really liked it. definitely going to go back to reference this one!
March 2, 2024
Each chapter starts with a first person narrative with a hypothetical client. It is hokey and kind of annoying, but I’m still giving this five stars because the information is insightful, real and practical strategies are offered, and there’s no blaming parents for their kids’ behavior.
Lots to think about especially in terms of how to implement this with older children who function most of the time at much younger developmental ages.
Lots to think about especially in terms of how to implement this with older children who function most of the time at much younger developmental ages.
December 16, 2024
This book is a must-read for anyone seeking a trauma-informed approach to understanding and addressing challenging behavior in children. Written with clarity and compassion, it offers a realistic framework for how our brains work individually and together to connect and protect us. The concepts of the owl, watchdog, and possum brain are particularly impactful, providing a simple yet powerful way to explain and navigate big behaviors.
What sets this book apart is its balance between storytelling and teaching. The author weaves in client perspectives and parent experiences, making the advice relatable and grounded. Unlike many parenting books filled with rigid directives, this one feels practical and achievable, even in high-pressure moments. Whether you're a parent, educator, or caregiver, this book is packed with valuable insights and actionable tools. Highly recommended!
What sets this book apart is its balance between storytelling and teaching. The author weaves in client perspectives and parent experiences, making the advice relatable and grounded. Unlike many parenting books filled with rigid directives, this one feels practical and achievable, even in high-pressure moments. Whether you're a parent, educator, or caregiver, this book is packed with valuable insights and actionable tools. Highly recommended!
January 10, 2025
Parts were really helpful, but overall, for my purposes- it was too dense and too much information. I recommend getting into a book club led by a mental health professional to help break it down. I read it independently because our local book study on it was full. Even if I had been in the book study, I think the material seems geared towards kids with bigger, more baffling behaviors than what I needed help with. Some parts were helpful though as a parent with a trauma history.
February 5, 2024
I don't have words for how good this book is or how much I wish I had found it months ago. It's not just that I will be returning to it often, I plan to go back to parts of it again tomorrow! And the next day and the next day and every day until I know it's all fully in my owl brain (which will make sense when you read it).
January 13, 2025
Highly recommend!! As a parent of 4, 2 of whom are adopted and have significant mental health needs, and daily big baffling behaviors, this is the most helpful book I’ve read yet. Full of empathy as well as tangible and detailed instructions with almost a role play like vibe. I will most certainly need to read this again, and am very much looking forward to the workbook that I hear may be coming out. I have this book in text and on audio and do believe that utilizing both versions concurrently is the best way to maximize understanding of the concepts and practices she teaches.
March 5, 2024
This is a phenomenal book for anyone raising or spending time with kids with big baffling behaviors. I've been recommending it to anyone and everyone who comes in contact with kids with vulnerable nervous systems. I wish this book was written back when my kids were toddlers but I'm so happy that parents have this book now. When we understand where the behaviors come from, it changes how we respond. We are able to connect and our children feel safer, causing the behaviors to fade away.
September 18, 2025
4.5 🌟 only thing I didnt like is the perception that all behavior is the result of trauma. it felt a little shaming/blaming, when in reality we all have different "windows of tolerance" which impacts our reactions and behaviors.
December 22, 2023
I work in a high school. This book was enlightening. I’ve already begun looking at students and coworkers from a different perspective than I did before I read this.
July 30, 2024
PD Book Study
September 2, 2024
life changing! I’ve told everyone I know about this book
October 1, 2024
My book of the year no doubt. Recommend it to every single parent of a child with a vulnerable nervous system!!! Recommend it to all my coworkers!!! Changed the way I practice, the way I see behaviors, the way I understand vulnerable nervous systems. Wowowowow I am grateful for this book and the empathetic perspective Robyn takes, recognizing that parenting kids with vulnerable nervous systems is HARD. 100000/10
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