**Emergency Update!**
Dear Goodreads Community,
It is with profound shame and humiliation that I must issue this apology. I, trusted steward of sacred plot points, Jakob J., without prior warning, have spoiled the ending of this children’s book published in 1994 with the review before you. I manipulated you, dear readers, coaxing you in with my witty anecdotes, forcing you to read on before blindsiding you with betrayal in this review of a thirty-year-old text. This error in judgment has me reflecting on, and wanting to atone for, my previous acts of critical indecency, therefore I would also like to apologize to my entire class in the Year of Our Lord 2000. I mention in this review that I wrote a report on this book, and I spoiled the ending in that report as well, which was—prepare yourselves—read aloud to my unsuspecting classmates!
Furthermore, I have included in a previous review that *SPOILER ALERT* Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father. If you can find it in your hearts to forgive me, I hope we can still be friends, and begin to heal.
In hopes of making amends, because it is my responsibility to guard you from revealing information and not yours for choosing to read a review in which discussion of the contents is the point, please consume the following goofy review of a goofy kids book with caution, at your own discretion, and be duly forewarned:
**SPOILERS AHEAD**
I wrote an essay on this early entry into the Goosebumps canon in sixth grade, comparing it to the two-part television series adaptation. I wish I had held onto it, but—as with all of my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures which, had I preserved them in their original blisters would have made me a considerable profit in recent years—my dumbass kid brain hellbent on actually enjoying myself in the moment lacked the mature foresight.
It seems so quaint that there was legitimate controversy surrounding this series back in ye olde 1900’s. “Horror for children?! What has our culture come to?” I recall what I can only deem PSA’s on the evening news warning parents of the dangerous new corrupting influence: corny spooky books!
Unfortunately, despite its influential and respectable cultural impact, the quality of the output does not correlate. One Day at Horrorland remains one of the most popular, but as with a majority of the series, the promising, atmospheric cover art by Tim Jacobus was the premier component. (And don’t even get me started on those gauche, neon pukefests splattered on the modern reprints).
Even as an easily impressed youth, the ‘twist’ had me blowing raspberries (Granted, I had already read Pet Sematary, so Goosebumps really never stood a fair chance with me), but those dipshit inflatable monsters plastered the park with ‘NO PINCHING’ signs? That’s like telling your kids where the Christmas presents are hidden and expecting them not to snoop.
I did include that incredulity in my astute sixth-grade analysis, and even had the gall to declare that the television show was better. I stand by that. It handled the satire better and the monsters were a more formidable threat (one of them even going so far as to mutilate himself in front of the children to pour them cups of monster juice). [Wait, is that a spoiler? God, it gets tiring].
Goosebumps was, for many kids of my generation, an introduction to horror, and that’s a wonderful thing, but unlike similar staples like Hocus Pocus—which I will defend as holding up until I die—the nostalgia goggles malfunctioned on this one. I’ll still return to some other books in the series and give each one a fair shake, or reckoning.