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Breeding with Bigfoot: A smutty fantasy romance
When I went camping, I didn’t expect to encounter a hairy monster with huge muscles and a club that dragged on the forest floor.
One thing led to another and we did the deed.
The next day, I suffered symptoms, and Bigfoot was there to hold my hand.
Only now he says I can’t survive this pregnancy without daily infusions of his “special milk.”
One thing led to another and we did the deed.
The next day, I suffered symptoms, and Bigfoot was there to hold my hand.
Only now he says I can’t survive this pregnancy without daily infusions of his “special milk.”
264 pages, Paperback
Published February 17, 2023
398 people are currently reading
1611 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 653 reviews
March 14, 2023
God gave me eyes and I have ABUSED them.
March 19, 2023
Cállense la boca. Tengo cuatro tiktoks hablando de esto no necesito hablar mas. Dios me dio ojos para ver y leyendo esto abuse de ellos.
March 17, 2023
I'm regretting my decision to read this, but what's done is done. I am forever scarred by Mr Bigdick...and everything else in this book. ESPECIALLY THE 5 FOOT FIVE DICK THAT CAN ENLARGE ITSELF TO ANY SIZE, EVEN 10 TIMES HIS HEIGHT WHICH IS 70 FEET LONG AND THAT CAN WRAP ITSELF AROUND ANYONE AND EVEN BE A GAG GOODBYE.
April 28, 2023
my book club has led me to places I wouldn’t even go with a gun
March 17, 2023
I wanted to read it as a joke. I don't like my decisions
April 26, 2023
I wish I was Jared, 19.
Read
March 11, 2023🧍♀️
March 6, 2023
I didn't read it, im just a hater
March 3, 2023
I feel like I’m going absolutely insane I lost and gained brain cells. I cried tears of terror, of fear. I wanted to die while reading this 🧙🏻♀️
March 9, 2023
THIS BOOK WAS WILD YALL 😂
April 6, 2023
i regret having the ability to read…
October 2, 2025
So, this was a book I kept seeing on my feed, and I got intrigued!
Now, most of y’all are probably thinking, why did I give this book two stars instead of one? Am I out of my mind? Honestly, the only reason is because I was laughing so hard. The whole idea of this book is so far-fetched and insane that it ended up being hilarious. And when Bigfoot and Faye were interacting—basically fucking—I was just dying of laughter. That’s pretty much the main reason it got two stars.
Also, the sex scenes were… very, very creative. Like, just plain stupid, honestly. What do you mean Bigfoot’s dick can basically wrap around you like a snake? I’m pretty sure he can make it bigger than the Burj Khalifa at this point—apparently, he has the power to shapeshift his dick. And it was literally dangling when he was walking through the forest. Why was that needed? Why is that one of Bigfoot’s magical powers? I will never understand. And oh my god, the things he had to do just to deliver that baby… Basically, the only way to give birth was to have sex. The baby doesn’t come out unless they fuck. I mean, I’ll praise the author for her creativity, but honestly, some ideas should just stay ideas!
Will I read anything from this author again? Honestly… yeah. She has a book about an octopus tentacle guy or something like that, and I can’t lie—that sounds intriguing. I want to laugh my ass off again the way I did with this one, so I’ll probably read it. Don’t sue me. But for now, I’d rather stick to normal books. So that’s the review. Go read it if you want, and if you don’t, just don’t. I’m not recommending this book. There is no way in hell I’m recommending this shit!
Now, most of y’all are probably thinking, why did I give this book two stars instead of one? Am I out of my mind? Honestly, the only reason is because I was laughing so hard. The whole idea of this book is so far-fetched and insane that it ended up being hilarious. And when Bigfoot and Faye were interacting—basically fucking—I was just dying of laughter. That’s pretty much the main reason it got two stars.
Also, the sex scenes were… very, very creative. Like, just plain stupid, honestly. What do you mean Bigfoot’s dick can basically wrap around you like a snake? I’m pretty sure he can make it bigger than the Burj Khalifa at this point—apparently, he has the power to shapeshift his dick. And it was literally dangling when he was walking through the forest. Why was that needed? Why is that one of Bigfoot’s magical powers? I will never understand. And oh my god, the things he had to do just to deliver that baby… Basically, the only way to give birth was to have sex. The baby doesn’t come out unless they fuck. I mean, I’ll praise the author for her creativity, but honestly, some ideas should just stay ideas!
Will I read anything from this author again? Honestly… yeah. She has a book about an octopus tentacle guy or something like that, and I can’t lie—that sounds intriguing. I want to laugh my ass off again the way I did with this one, so I’ll probably read it. Don’t sue me. But for now, I’d rather stick to normal books. So that’s the review. Go read it if you want, and if you don’t, just don’t. I’m not recommending this book. There is no way in hell I’m recommending this shit!
Read
April 1, 2023We all make mistakes and reading this was mine. Idk which traumatised me more, Bigfoot's creepy dad Bigdick, or the scene where Bigfoot chased Faye with his shapeshifting pp through a cave.
April 8, 2023
A few weeks back I was hearing a lot of hate for Siggy Shade and her books on tiktok and I was seeing a lot of people on tiktok mocking her books and saying "ew wtf". And I mean, I do understand where they're coming from because her books aren't everyone's cup of tea, but seriously, do you have to be so hateful? If you think it's weird, then don't read it. Meanwhile, I was hearing this before the book was even released.
That being said, this book was hella bonkers dude.
That being said, this book was hella bonkers dude.
Want to read
May 8, 2023but i need know. what kind of special milk? chocolate??
March 17, 2023
Idk how I’m supposed to feel tbh
March 9, 2023
This isn't a review I ever thought I would be writing but morbid curiosity got the best of me and here I am, I'm giving it 1 star because it made me laugh
This book is EXACTLY what you think it will be, it is the literal definition of DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT.
I'm unable to move past the magical penis that he use's similarly to a snake for non-sexual purposes
The author was in one hell of a silly goofy mood when then wrote this
I have no words ... just nothing ... I'm sorry to any friends or family who see this update on their feeds, but sacrifices had to be made for me to know how one goes about having sex with a 7 foot tall gorilla man AND NOW I KNOW ALRIGHT
This book is EXACTLY what you think it will be, it is the literal definition of DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT.
I'm unable to move past the magical penis that he use's similarly to a snake for non-sexual purposes
The author was in one hell of a silly goofy mood when then wrote this
I have no words ... just nothing ... I'm sorry to any friends or family who see this update on their feeds, but sacrifices had to be made for me to know how one goes about having sex with a 7 foot tall gorilla man AND NOW I KNOW ALRIGHT
September 12, 2023
2 stars purely for how much this made me laugh 😂 The premise of this was so wild i had to read! Was it an amazing book- no. Was it entertaining- yes. it was hilarious, I mean I was howling at every page, some of that was due to shock I’m sure but I found this so funny! There were so many outrageous plot points dropped out of nowhere (hello the Bigfoot origin story) that I was in no way expecting to play out the way they did, and obviously this story is so far from plausible, but with everything I read the implausibility just escalated (10x his height 💀) 😂 I just can’t get over how funny i found this 😂
March 21, 2023
…what did I just read? And why did I like it?
During a camping trip-gone-bad, Faye discovers her boyfriend is cheating on her with nonother than...Bigfoot.
Tiktok made me read it, and, I'm (surprisingly) not mad about it! This book was so bad that it was good. Along with bringing major spice, the stupidity of Bigfoot's extendo-dick and the secondary cast of Disney-grade animal companions made the story unputdownable.
Would I recommend this book to my family/friends. Absolutely not.
Will it reread in the future? Definitely no.
But do I regret picking it up? No.
During a camping trip-gone-bad, Faye discovers her boyfriend is cheating on her with nonother than...Bigfoot.
Tiktok made me read it, and, I'm (surprisingly) not mad about it! This book was so bad that it was good. Along with bringing major spice, the stupidity of Bigfoot's extendo-dick and the secondary cast of Disney-grade animal companions made the story unputdownable.
Would I recommend this book to my family/friends. Absolutely not.
Will it reread in the future? Definitely no.
But do I regret picking it up? No.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 27, 2023
I was expecting something horrible based on the few reviews. I think the majority of those who gave a low score don't tend to read monster romances. I enjoyed the book. It was fucken wild that's for sure. But Bigfoot and Feya are so cute together. The beginning of their relationship was an unfortunate beginning but they made it work and fell in love. Feya is a strong person. I laughed a lot and questioned myself a lot cause I enjoyed reading it lol.
March 9, 2023
What did I just read?!! It was pure smut as expected from Siggy Shade. From Jack’s head and Tentacles book, I shouldn’t be surprised with this book😄😄🤦🏻♀️. I can’t count how many times I laughed and thought WTF is this s*it while reading.
May 2, 2023
whatever fuck y’all this was entertaining as hell
June 28, 2023
siggy, i don’t think the devil would even take you into hell after writing this.
October 28, 2025
This was absolutely insane… I’m not as traumatized as I thought I would be, but that could be that it was a least somewhat funny. Which is part of the reason it’s getting 2 stars, another is because even though this book was very bad, it did keep me interested (I don’t know if this is good or bad… I haven’t figured that out).
They were like two normal parts in the entire book,
(1) being the fight with the dire wolf since nothing during that part was completely sexualized,
(2) the jump through the trees.
Both of with were mostly normal… until they no longer were. The cave journey was even worse… I had no words for that part.
The ending was kinda sweet… until it wasn’t.
Everything about this book will almost end in until it wasn’t. I came out of the mostly unscathed, definitely questioning my decision behind reading this, but not entirely regretting it, maybe? I liked certain parts - the normal parts. I would have been perfectly find never having reading this book in my life, but what’s done is done. I have no words for what I have just read, and probably never will. You can take this how you want.
Also the note at the end, we do NOT need a story for Bigfoot’s dad, like ever.
They were like two normal parts in the entire book,
(1) being the fight with the dire wolf since nothing during that part was completely sexualized,
(2) the jump through the trees.
Both of with were mostly normal… until they no longer were. The cave journey was even worse… I had no words for that part.
The ending was kinda sweet… until it wasn’t.
Everything about this book will almost end in until it wasn’t. I came out of the mostly unscathed, definitely questioning my decision behind reading this, but not entirely regretting it, maybe? I liked certain parts - the normal parts. I would have been perfectly find never having reading this book in my life, but what’s done is done. I have no words for what I have just read, and probably never will. You can take this how you want.
Also the note at the end, we do NOT need a story for Bigfoot’s dad, like ever.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 1, 2025
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️💦 4.5/5
Genre: Cryptid Smut / Forest Filth / Emotional Bigfoot Era
Okay. So I came here for the chaos — and stayed for the ✨feral forest daddy vibes✨.
Bigfoot is HUGE, hairy, and deeply committed to... well, breeding. And I don’t know what’s more unhinged: the fact that I read this in one sitting, or that I found myself emotionally invested in a cryptid with a breeding kink.
Let’s just say: the scenes are not safe for public transport. Or polite society. There’s growling. Knotting. Lifting. Marking. At one point I whispered “oh my god” to no one in particular and had to take a lap.
But ALSO? He’s lowkey a soft boy. Protective. Loyal. Gentle when he’s not being absolutely feral. It's giving forest alpha with a gooey emotional center, and I hate how much I loved it.
Would I read it again?
Yes.
Would I recommend it?
Only to the brave. Or the deeply curious. Or my best friends Mads and Jess, who got me into this mess in the first place.
Mads and I had a conversation a bit ago and this is how it went
Me- can we talk about his dick can shrink and expand while he’s in you😏
Mads- could you imagine 😭 I need some of that shit rn 😂😂😂😂😂
Me- Ima need to call Jake to do some stuff on FaceTime this book is turning me on😭
Mads- lucky Ima have to go out to get fucked by some random dude.
WE ARE JOKING. Well she is. Me? probably not…
Genre: Cryptid Smut / Forest Filth / Emotional Bigfoot Era
Okay. So I came here for the chaos — and stayed for the ✨feral forest daddy vibes✨.
Bigfoot is HUGE, hairy, and deeply committed to... well, breeding. And I don’t know what’s more unhinged: the fact that I read this in one sitting, or that I found myself emotionally invested in a cryptid with a breeding kink.
Let’s just say: the scenes are not safe for public transport. Or polite society. There’s growling. Knotting. Lifting. Marking. At one point I whispered “oh my god” to no one in particular and had to take a lap.
But ALSO? He’s lowkey a soft boy. Protective. Loyal. Gentle when he’s not being absolutely feral. It's giving forest alpha with a gooey emotional center, and I hate how much I loved it.
Would I read it again?
Yes.
Would I recommend it?
Only to the brave. Or the deeply curious. Or my best friends Mads and Jess, who got me into this mess in the first place.
Mads and I had a conversation a bit ago and this is how it went
Me- can we talk about his dick can shrink and expand while he’s in you😏
Mads- could you imagine 😭 I need some of that shit rn 😂😂😂😂😂
Me- Ima need to call Jake to do some stuff on FaceTime this book is turning me on😭
Mads- lucky Ima have to go out to get fucked by some random dude.
WE ARE JOKING. Well she is. Me? probably not…
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 13, 2023
Me estás diciendo que el novio de ella se tiro a esta bestia porque hasta cuando le chupaba la pija absorbía conocimientos de el 😭😭😭
No logro entender como fue que ella decidió participar en esto y sigo sin poder creer que me haya leído esta mierda.
No sabía si quería reír o llorar por tremenda mamada de guiones 😭😭
No logro entender como fue que ella decidió participar en esto y sigo sin poder creer que me haya leído esta mierda.
No sabía si quería reír o llorar por tremenda mamada de guiones 😭😭
March 22, 2023
This book was ridiculously hilarious, and a hell of a ride. (but seriously the rides this heroine has. What even). I was just a chapter in before I started recommending it. I regret nothing.
May 4, 2023
at this point. therapy is no longer an option.
September 25, 2024
How do I unread this?
June 23, 2023
My Selling Pitch:
Do you want to read Bigfoot smut? If you read this for anything other than the lols, I need you to seek actual help. Jesus christ, I feel like this book is proof that god does not exist. 😂
Don’t read this, but if you do, please write a funny review so we can all commiserate and trauma bond.
Pre-reading:
Look, if you ask me to read a book, I’ll do it. On nothing. Everything is on my TBR. That being said, I can’t wait for people to ask me what I read this year. Kindle Unlimited is guaranteeing that I go to hell.
Thick of it:
Who does the art for all these weird erotica books? Like I’m always so impressed with the covers.
The dedication is sending me.
Fun fact, one of my first forays into the wacky world of monster erotica was drunk at college and my friends and I did a dramatic reading of Cum for Bigfoot, so I feel like we’re really coming full circle.
More fun facts, I hate caramel. I think it’s gross.
Oh, we open with problems with our plurals. This bodes well for the rest of the book.
Why would an owl’s hoot make tent walls tremble?
Campers are wild to me. Let’s pay hundreds of dollars to freeze outside. Like you can do that for free, Bestie.
Oh, this is just a bad book.
How are tree branches fossilized snakes? What museum exhibits are you looking at?
Brian chose, but you agreed, and that was your first mistake. Also, you willingly went camping.
Girlypop, he’s in a sleeping bag, not Fort Knox. Just take the keys off of him.
Has she seen a therapist? This is some generalized anxiety disorder nonsense.
There’s a bunch of typos.
Slithers of light, wow.
Bloody hell. Is she British? I guess her name is Faye. I don’t know why I assumed they were American, but I did. Probably because it’s Bigfoot. Does England even have Bigfoot myths? (Update, Wikipedia says-and yes, I will only be doing a cursory search on Wikipedia- that Bigfoot is an American thing, but Europe has Wildman.)
If only he had shown me that he was selfish before…Girlypop, he made you go Dutch. The chivalry was dead on arrival. Also, I’m glad that you’ve known this man for four months, and you’re like yeah, he can die. That’s some wonderful humanity.
You know, girlypop has her priorities. Always be making content.
I have no words. Sneaky link? One of my most hated slang terms. How on earth did it get started? I would rather die than use it.
The club was dragging behind him. The club is his penis. I don’t think evolution would design that. That’s not super sanitary. He would have to have one hell of a foreskin.
Do you think Bigfoot gets road rash on his cock?
Well, did you peg him, Becky? No? Then shut up. (I know her name isn’t Becky, but she gives massive Becky vibes, so she will be referred to as Becky for the rest of this book.)
That’s all you’ve ever wanted? All? I don’t believe you, Becky or I need you to dream bigger.
Also, you keep saying that Brian is selfish for doing this, but you’re super into this. Honestly sounds like he kind of nailed your kink.
Isn’t she like still up a tree?
You know, at least Becky is self-aware. She’s like can I be more of a loser? And she’s like oh yeah, for sure.
Babe, you already realized that the club was his penis, but I’m glad that you’ve discovered this again.
I’m getting whiplash from her opinions on her mans.
Fun fact, I’ve never seen Brokeback Mountain.
She reads, so she’s a nymphomaniac. But like honestly that tracks. That’s fair. That’s valid. It’s always the quiet ones, eh?
I don’t know what to do with her. You didn’t ask for it, but you dig it, and you want it, so like make up your mind.
That man really having anal sex after he eats beans.
He’s wearing a beige Hoochie daddy shorts sweat set, and she didn’t know he was at least a little gay? Honestly, Becky, that’s on you.
Yeah babe, he didn’t only cheat on you just to chat with Bigfoot. He also had to take that monster cock.
Becky is a Tiktok dancer, and homeboy is a YouTuber.
Oh, he just said chuffed. I guess they are British.
I didn’t know Bigfoot was in England. I thought Bigfoot was as American as Walmart.
Can a headless horseman still give head? That pumpkin head give a sucky suck? (I’ll see myself out.)
How would he know the plot if he doesn’t read monster smut books?
Hey babe, I’ll admit to fucking Bigfoot, but no homo.
Babycakes, you can suffocate on a grape. It don’t take much.
Literally so many typos
You love her, but you still make her pay for dinner.
They asked for Bigfoot’s consent? Sexiest part of this book lmao.
Did he just buy her with fish?
Wow, Bigfoot breaking the pine and cinnamon boy barrier.
Hey, what shape is a grapefruit? I don’t know, round. Hey, what shape is a plum? I don’t know, round. Would that not be the same shape?
It wouldn’t be erotica romance if our girlypop didn’t feel insecure about her looks. Shut up.
Nothing quite as sexy as eyes popping out of heads like a pug’s.
I loved Brian. He was the best. He never made me cum. Come on sweetheart, make up your mind.
They’re fucking, and he’s gutting fish in the background.
Bigfoot has a magic cock.
This bit makes no sense. I mean the whole book is going to make no sense, but she’s asking Bigfoot if he can talk, and then her boyfriend says Bigfoot has camouflage powers and I don’t understand what that has to do with anything. Apples and oranges.
HGTV Bigfoot. Think he’s got shiplap?
Book mentions Harry Potter sin
She’s down for sex with Bigfoot, but she draws the line at talking deer.
Oh good, he drugged her and messed with her contraception.
He’s making a reality show between her and Bigfoot. Naked and afraid who? And Only Fans.
Bigfoot said abstinence-only sex ed.
Every inch of her is covered in hair now, but she didn’t notice that she had like furry hands and arms and a whole ass body even though she’s naked? OK.
Bigfoot has a pro-life agenda.
Bigfoot can breathe underwater, but has no gills.
Oh, she’s instantly super pregnant and she can’t eat anything but sperm. Becky’s coming for your weird pregnancy crown, Miss Bella.
I want you to repeat that sentence back to yourself and remember that you only did exactly what you wanted to do babe.
I don’t know who Keyser Soze is. (It’s from a movie from before I was born, so I don’t feel bad for not knowing it.)
How do you weave tree bark into a blanket? Pinterest moms report back.
Now we’re victim blaming? Sweetie, you’re not at fault for dating people. You are at fault for wanting to fuck Bigfoot. Like, let’s be very clear.
Babe, you don’t have to tell us you have daddy issues. You’re a TikTok dancer. We know.
Girlypop, it hasn’t even been 24 hours.
Hey now, at the beginning of this book, you told me his cum tasted like salted caramel. Now you’re saying it’s maple syrup. This is baiting and switching. (I’m going with the headcanon that it changes flavor based on his mood, like a mood ring of dick juice.)
Oh, not the internalized misogyny that only men can have hair and that women must be hairless cats.
Bigfoot has a 4-foot-tall cock. What is wrong with people.
What places was that relationship going? Hell?
They took pity on him, so they put him in government. I don’t know about that one.
It’s been one day.
Bigfoot’s dick needs its own dining chair.
Oh, now his dick is 5 1/2 feet, my bad.
Bigfoot’s cock is an elephant trunk.
Hold on, spider monkey.
Bigfoot cares about body count. Shame on Bigfoot.
Now Bigfoot’s cock is 7 feet.
Do you know what’s funny? I know that fairytale about the princes in the tower because of a Facebook post about horrifying paintings.
Truthfully, I’m speechless.
Bigfoot says you’re not like other girls.
The valley is shaped like the inside of a ball, so like a normal valley.
Gspot doesn’t exist just like Bigfoot. Oh wait-
… OK this time, the god cliche didn’t work for me. I’m glad we finally found a time when it’s bad for me.
This book is like only smut, and yet nothing about it is sexy. It’s just horrifying.
Oh god, I’ll tolerate a lot, but no daddy kink. Absolutely not. Never.
Aren’t pregnant women like not supposed to eat sashimi? (Wildly conflicting information upon a cursory Google.)
I’m speechless again.
These people don’t have cell phones to text people where they’re going?
Do you know how much death tourism that would bring?
They still have a satellite Internet connection, even though Brian’s dead? Who’s paying for the Internet?
Oh, I’m so dumb money. They make money selling nature photos on Etsy. I should’ve known. Like that still doesn’t explain how they have the Internet to sell things on Etsy or where they get digital cameras, but go off. Amazon really will deliver anywhere.
So his dick is a fishing line.
Post-reading:
I have no words…
Aw, who am I kidding? Of course I do. This book is proof that god does not exist, because how could a higher power allow for the creation of this? It’s awful. I think everyone who picked it up, knew it was gonna be awful. It’s self-published, so there’s a lot of typos. The writing is bad. Metaphors don’t make sense. The whisper of a plot doesn’t make sense. Who’s reading Bigfoot smut for the plot? If you like to cringe spectate because why on earth would anyone else pick up this book, you are in for a time. The smut is honestly pretty tame, but just knowing that there’s a human being out there that not only thought this up but chose to share it with the world will probably, and should leave you speechless. Does this count as kink shaming? Good.
I dunno, this exists, and I read it. You’re welcome.
Who should read this:
No one
Cringe spectators
Do I want to reread this:
No
Similar books:
* Kissing the Coronavirus by M. J. Edwards-shock value erotica
* Cum for Bigfoot by Virginia Wade-more Bigfoot shock value erotica
* Wet Hot Allosaurus Summer by Lola Faust-dinosaur erotica
* The Guest With Claws by Ella Maven-alien monster erotica
* A Soul to Keep by Opal Reyne-monster erotica but with an actual plot
Unhinged Summary:
Becky is a Tiktok dancer who goes camping with her YouTuber boyfriend, Brian. He’s a douche canoe. She’s like yeah, he’s kind of the worst. He makes me pay for dates and he never makes me cum, but like oh my god, I totally love him. While they’re camping, Becky gets spooked and wants to go home. Brian says no. Becky takes a man’s word as law, so she’s like OK, I’ll just go stumble around in the dark until you change your mind. Maybe I’ll walk into those random stairs to nowhere that we camped next to. That’s definitely like a relevant plot point that will be explained as long as the reader is patient, right? Right?
Bigfoot comes strolling out of the woods holding a club like it’s an episode of The Flintstones, and she’s like oh my god, it’s time for the slasher part of this horror movie to start. I’m gonna go climb a tree so that he can’t get me. Forget my boyfriend. He’s on his own. Fuck him. And Bigfoot took that literally.
So the club is his penis, and he fucks her boyfriend. Becky is like how dare my boyfriend cheat on me! But like why is this kind of hot though? So she masturbates in a tree. She’s like goddamn, I wish I was fucking Bigfoot. Bigfoot leaves after he fucks her boyfriend, and her boyfriend comes out like oh my god babe, you should’ve joined us! And she’s like oh my god, that’s exactly what I wanted to do and you’re offering it to me, but I’m pissed. How could you not tell me you were gay? He’s like lol babe, Bigfoot doesn’t count. No homo. I can’t wait for you to meet. And she’s like how did you know I would be into this? And he’s like you read smutty books about fucking monsters to get off, like it was pretty clear that this was in your wheelhouse. And she’s like I don’t see the correlation. But like OK, I want to fuck Bigfoot.
So the next morning they have a weird threesome with Bigfoot, and Bigfoot buys her pussy with fish like some weird maritime prostitute. But then Brian drugs the fish because homeboy is somehow loaded and a medical tech and this book need a villain. Becky wakes up inside some forest cabin that would make Joanna Gaines cream her pants. And she’s like oh my god, I didn’t know Bigfoot could do construction. And Brian’s like lol, he can’t. I built this house and outfitted it with a bunch of super high-tech security cameras that you definitely can’t turn off or break. I’m starting an only fans starring you and Bigfoot. There’s like really good Wi-Fi in these woods. Becky’s like Brian, how could you? I loved you! And Brian is like literally why? I am the worst, and I did not hide that. And Becky’s like Brian, you know I have daddy issues! Stop being so sexy. And Brian’s like oh, by the way, I switched out your birth control so congratulations, mama. You’re pregnant with Bigfoot’s baby! You’re about to be on the new season of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. She’s like oh my god, I will find a way to escape you! And he’s like oh my god, whatever you do, don’t go out the unlocked front door.
So like obviously she leaves and goes to the forest and Bigfoot finds her and is like hey baby mama, how you doing? And she’s like I’m on my way to Planned Parenthood. And Bigfoot’s like sorry Bestie, abortion equals death. And she’s like yeah, that’s the point. And he’s like no, your death. Like we’re basically Texas. You can’t get one. And she’s like damn, I guess I have to believe you. And then he’s like oh also, you can’t eat food. You have to eat this dick. And she’s like excuse me. And he’s like I did not stutter. So Becky has to drink Bigfoot’s fun juice to survive. It tastes like maple syrup and or salted caramel, depending upon what the author was craving at the time. How’s that for gestational diabetes? And Becky’s like well, now that I gave you the sucky suck, what’s to stop me from going back to the real world? And Bigfoot’s like remember how pregnancy makes your hair grow? We took that to the extreme. Congratulations mama, you’re a furry! And Becky’s like omg, I just noticed, and I’ve never heard of laser hair removal, so I guess I’m just stuck here. And Bigfoot’s like great. I love you. And Becky’s like oh my god, it’s been one day and I’m a commitment-phobe. I need some space!
So she goes for a walk, and she runs into the big bad wolf. The wolf is like lol, Bigfoot lied to you. You can eat this magic flower, and it’ll give you an abortion. And Becky’s like why would you help me? This sounds like a trick. And the wolf is like for the very logical reason of I don’t want more Bigfoots in this world. And she’s like I don’t know. Sounds sus. And the wolf is like weren’t you trying to get an abortion like an hour ago? And she’s like yeah, but then Bigfoot give me a bunch of orgasms, so now I’m like reconsidering. And the wolf’s like oh my god, you are too stupid to reproduce. I’m going to eat you.
But then Bigfoot saves her from being attacked, and he and the wolf go over a waterfall like horsies from Spirit. And Becky’s like oh my god, Bigfoot’s dead! We’ve only been together one day, but in the past five minutes, I’ve decided that I love him. He can’t be dead! So she like cries on him, and he comes back to life because plot. And he’s like oh my god, thanks for saving me from death, babe. The big bad wolf was like guarding this magic Viagra flower, so now that he’s dead, let’s go get it so that I can get my dick juice back and you can suck it out again. And Becky’s like oh my god, this is so romantic.
Then grab your tape measures, girlfriends, because Bigfoot’s cock can shapeshift. Becky’s too tired to walk, so Bigfoot carries her with his penis. Not on, with. It coils around her like Nicki Minaj’s anaconda. To get to the magic flower, they have to scale a cliff. Becky falls off. And you’re like oh my god, great. This book is finally over. Not quite. Bigfoot catches her with his 70-foot-long dong. So they find the flower, and Bigfoot is like lol, so the wolf was telling you the truth. You could eat this flower like Plan B. And Becky’s like I don’t think that’s how Plan B works. And Sam was like I know. I just couldn’t think of another tasteful abortion joke. And Becky was like these have been tasteful? But either way, I’ve joined the pro-lifers. I’m keeping this baby. And Bigfoot’s like oh my god, call me daddy.
Then the author got bored, so we get a time jump, and Becky is ready to give birth. And Bigfoot’s like oh my god, I forgot to tell you. We’re gonna fetishize birth in this book. And she’s like what does that mean? And he’s like fisting. And she’s like oh okay, just make sure you throw in some ass eating to satisfy the masses. But before Bigfoot can tongue punch her fartbox, Brian shows up with his Disneyland tour group. He’s convinced this group of idiots to follow him into the woods to look for Bigfoot.
So they capture Bigfoot. And Becky’s like oh my god, I have to go get some more of that magic flower to make him super strong in his King Kong ding dong so he can save the day. While she’s getting the flower, she meets Bigfoot’s dad, Bigdick. It’s a family name. And he’s like hey sexy lady, how about you forget Bigfoot, and I’ll give you multiple orgasms instead. And Becky is like oh my god, that’s super tempting because I love monster cock, but unfortunately, I like Bigfoot’s personality even more. And the audience is like what personality? And Becky is like my other option was Brian, and the audience is like good point. So Bigdick is like you got this, babe. Go save your mans. Peace!
So Becky just walks into Brian’s tour guide camp and is like lol, I surrender. And Brian’s like perfect. I learned from my mistakes with the Hype House. Now, the cage has a lock. And Becky’s like Brian, you can afford all these gadgets but you couldn’t afford to pay for dinner? What’s your job anyway? And Brian’s like who knows? So Becky feeds Bigfoot the flower which makes him strong enough to break out of the cage and knockout Brian. Then Becky remembers that she’s supposed to be giving birth, and she’s like oh my god, it’s time to have the baby. And Bigfoot’s like who needs an epidural when there’s multiple orgasms? So they have the baby, and then Bigfoot slaughters the rest of the camp so that they can escape. Now it’s time to deal with Brian. They’re like delete your YouTube channel. You’re canceled. And Brian’s like actually I’m such a bad villain, that I never uploaded anything to the cloud, so collecting all that footage was basically pointless. And they’re like oh okay, perfect. We’re gonna leave you trapped here with all these dead bodies. I hope you don’t have to eat them or anything. Okay byeeee.
So now it’s time for the epilogue because this is a romance remember, guys. Becky is now a forest school teacher and slowly creating a softball team of Bigfoot juniors. The police just decided to leave the forest alone because Becky and Bigfoot made Brian record an apology video saying that he had started a death cult and that he murdered everybody. The police were like sounds legit, and Becky just forgot that Brian somehow also put microchips in her and Bigfoot, but like as long as no one takes them to the vet to get scanned, I guess they’re fine. Man, Brian was a busy guy. And Becky’s like happily ever after guys, I get to have monster cock every day. The end.
Do you want to read Bigfoot smut? If you read this for anything other than the lols, I need you to seek actual help. Jesus christ, I feel like this book is proof that god does not exist. 😂
Don’t read this, but if you do, please write a funny review so we can all commiserate and trauma bond.
Pre-reading:
Look, if you ask me to read a book, I’ll do it. On nothing. Everything is on my TBR. That being said, I can’t wait for people to ask me what I read this year. Kindle Unlimited is guaranteeing that I go to hell.
Thick of it:
Who does the art for all these weird erotica books? Like I’m always so impressed with the covers.
The dedication is sending me.
Fun fact, one of my first forays into the wacky world of monster erotica was drunk at college and my friends and I did a dramatic reading of Cum for Bigfoot, so I feel like we’re really coming full circle.
More fun facts, I hate caramel. I think it’s gross.
Oh, we open with problems with our plurals. This bodes well for the rest of the book.
Why would an owl’s hoot make tent walls tremble?
Campers are wild to me. Let’s pay hundreds of dollars to freeze outside. Like you can do that for free, Bestie.
Oh, this is just a bad book.
How are tree branches fossilized snakes? What museum exhibits are you looking at?
Brian chose, but you agreed, and that was your first mistake. Also, you willingly went camping.
Girlypop, he’s in a sleeping bag, not Fort Knox. Just take the keys off of him.
Has she seen a therapist? This is some generalized anxiety disorder nonsense.
There’s a bunch of typos.
Slithers of light, wow.
Bloody hell. Is she British? I guess her name is Faye. I don’t know why I assumed they were American, but I did. Probably because it’s Bigfoot. Does England even have Bigfoot myths? (Update, Wikipedia says-and yes, I will only be doing a cursory search on Wikipedia- that Bigfoot is an American thing, but Europe has Wildman.)
If only he had shown me that he was selfish before…Girlypop, he made you go Dutch. The chivalry was dead on arrival. Also, I’m glad that you’ve known this man for four months, and you’re like yeah, he can die. That’s some wonderful humanity.
You know, girlypop has her priorities. Always be making content.
I have no words. Sneaky link? One of my most hated slang terms. How on earth did it get started? I would rather die than use it.
The club was dragging behind him. The club is his penis. I don’t think evolution would design that. That’s not super sanitary. He would have to have one hell of a foreskin.
Do you think Bigfoot gets road rash on his cock?
Well, did you peg him, Becky? No? Then shut up. (I know her name isn’t Becky, but she gives massive Becky vibes, so she will be referred to as Becky for the rest of this book.)
That’s all you’ve ever wanted? All? I don’t believe you, Becky or I need you to dream bigger.
Also, you keep saying that Brian is selfish for doing this, but you’re super into this. Honestly sounds like he kind of nailed your kink.
Isn’t she like still up a tree?
You know, at least Becky is self-aware. She’s like can I be more of a loser? And she’s like oh yeah, for sure.
Babe, you already realized that the club was his penis, but I’m glad that you’ve discovered this again.
I’m getting whiplash from her opinions on her mans.
Fun fact, I’ve never seen Brokeback Mountain.
She reads, so she’s a nymphomaniac. But like honestly that tracks. That’s fair. That’s valid. It’s always the quiet ones, eh?
I don’t know what to do with her. You didn’t ask for it, but you dig it, and you want it, so like make up your mind.
That man really having anal sex after he eats beans.
He’s wearing a beige Hoochie daddy shorts sweat set, and she didn’t know he was at least a little gay? Honestly, Becky, that’s on you.
Yeah babe, he didn’t only cheat on you just to chat with Bigfoot. He also had to take that monster cock.
Becky is a Tiktok dancer, and homeboy is a YouTuber.
Oh, he just said chuffed. I guess they are British.
I didn’t know Bigfoot was in England. I thought Bigfoot was as American as Walmart.
Can a headless horseman still give head? That pumpkin head give a sucky suck? (I’ll see myself out.)
How would he know the plot if he doesn’t read monster smut books?
Hey babe, I’ll admit to fucking Bigfoot, but no homo.
Babycakes, you can suffocate on a grape. It don’t take much.
Literally so many typos
You love her, but you still make her pay for dinner.
They asked for Bigfoot’s consent? Sexiest part of this book lmao.
Did he just buy her with fish?
Wow, Bigfoot breaking the pine and cinnamon boy barrier.
Hey, what shape is a grapefruit? I don’t know, round. Hey, what shape is a plum? I don’t know, round. Would that not be the same shape?
It wouldn’t be erotica romance if our girlypop didn’t feel insecure about her looks. Shut up.
Nothing quite as sexy as eyes popping out of heads like a pug’s.
I loved Brian. He was the best. He never made me cum. Come on sweetheart, make up your mind.
They’re fucking, and he’s gutting fish in the background.
Bigfoot has a magic cock.
This bit makes no sense. I mean the whole book is going to make no sense, but she’s asking Bigfoot if he can talk, and then her boyfriend says Bigfoot has camouflage powers and I don’t understand what that has to do with anything. Apples and oranges.
HGTV Bigfoot. Think he’s got shiplap?
Book mentions Harry Potter sin
She’s down for sex with Bigfoot, but she draws the line at talking deer.
Oh good, he drugged her and messed with her contraception.
He’s making a reality show between her and Bigfoot. Naked and afraid who? And Only Fans.
Bigfoot said abstinence-only sex ed.
Every inch of her is covered in hair now, but she didn’t notice that she had like furry hands and arms and a whole ass body even though she’s naked? OK.
Bigfoot has a pro-life agenda.
Bigfoot can breathe underwater, but has no gills.
Oh, she’s instantly super pregnant and she can’t eat anything but sperm. Becky’s coming for your weird pregnancy crown, Miss Bella.
I want you to repeat that sentence back to yourself and remember that you only did exactly what you wanted to do babe.
I don’t know who Keyser Soze is. (It’s from a movie from before I was born, so I don’t feel bad for not knowing it.)
How do you weave tree bark into a blanket? Pinterest moms report back.
Now we’re victim blaming? Sweetie, you’re not at fault for dating people. You are at fault for wanting to fuck Bigfoot. Like, let’s be very clear.
Babe, you don’t have to tell us you have daddy issues. You’re a TikTok dancer. We know.
Girlypop, it hasn’t even been 24 hours.
Hey now, at the beginning of this book, you told me his cum tasted like salted caramel. Now you’re saying it’s maple syrup. This is baiting and switching. (I’m going with the headcanon that it changes flavor based on his mood, like a mood ring of dick juice.)
Oh, not the internalized misogyny that only men can have hair and that women must be hairless cats.
Bigfoot has a 4-foot-tall cock. What is wrong with people.
What places was that relationship going? Hell?
They took pity on him, so they put him in government. I don’t know about that one.
It’s been one day.
Bigfoot’s dick needs its own dining chair.
Oh, now his dick is 5 1/2 feet, my bad.
Bigfoot’s cock is an elephant trunk.
Hold on, spider monkey.
Bigfoot cares about body count. Shame on Bigfoot.
Now Bigfoot’s cock is 7 feet.
Do you know what’s funny? I know that fairytale about the princes in the tower because of a Facebook post about horrifying paintings.
Truthfully, I’m speechless.
Bigfoot says you’re not like other girls.
The valley is shaped like the inside of a ball, so like a normal valley.
Gspot doesn’t exist just like Bigfoot. Oh wait-
… OK this time, the god cliche didn’t work for me. I’m glad we finally found a time when it’s bad for me.
This book is like only smut, and yet nothing about it is sexy. It’s just horrifying.
Oh god, I’ll tolerate a lot, but no daddy kink. Absolutely not. Never.
Aren’t pregnant women like not supposed to eat sashimi? (Wildly conflicting information upon a cursory Google.)
I’m speechless again.
These people don’t have cell phones to text people where they’re going?
Do you know how much death tourism that would bring?
They still have a satellite Internet connection, even though Brian’s dead? Who’s paying for the Internet?
Oh, I’m so dumb money. They make money selling nature photos on Etsy. I should’ve known. Like that still doesn’t explain how they have the Internet to sell things on Etsy or where they get digital cameras, but go off. Amazon really will deliver anywhere.
So his dick is a fishing line.
Post-reading:
I have no words…
Aw, who am I kidding? Of course I do. This book is proof that god does not exist, because how could a higher power allow for the creation of this? It’s awful. I think everyone who picked it up, knew it was gonna be awful. It’s self-published, so there’s a lot of typos. The writing is bad. Metaphors don’t make sense. The whisper of a plot doesn’t make sense. Who’s reading Bigfoot smut for the plot? If you like to cringe spectate because why on earth would anyone else pick up this book, you are in for a time. The smut is honestly pretty tame, but just knowing that there’s a human being out there that not only thought this up but chose to share it with the world will probably, and should leave you speechless. Does this count as kink shaming? Good.
I dunno, this exists, and I read it. You’re welcome.
Who should read this:
No one
Cringe spectators
Do I want to reread this:
No
Similar books:
* Kissing the Coronavirus by M. J. Edwards-shock value erotica
* Cum for Bigfoot by Virginia Wade-more Bigfoot shock value erotica
* Wet Hot Allosaurus Summer by Lola Faust-dinosaur erotica
* The Guest With Claws by Ella Maven-alien monster erotica
* A Soul to Keep by Opal Reyne-monster erotica but with an actual plot
Unhinged Summary:
Becky is a Tiktok dancer who goes camping with her YouTuber boyfriend, Brian. He’s a douche canoe. She’s like yeah, he’s kind of the worst. He makes me pay for dates and he never makes me cum, but like oh my god, I totally love him. While they’re camping, Becky gets spooked and wants to go home. Brian says no. Becky takes a man’s word as law, so she’s like OK, I’ll just go stumble around in the dark until you change your mind. Maybe I’ll walk into those random stairs to nowhere that we camped next to. That’s definitely like a relevant plot point that will be explained as long as the reader is patient, right? Right?
Bigfoot comes strolling out of the woods holding a club like it’s an episode of The Flintstones, and she’s like oh my god, it’s time for the slasher part of this horror movie to start. I’m gonna go climb a tree so that he can’t get me. Forget my boyfriend. He’s on his own. Fuck him. And Bigfoot took that literally.
So the club is his penis, and he fucks her boyfriend. Becky is like how dare my boyfriend cheat on me! But like why is this kind of hot though? So she masturbates in a tree. She’s like goddamn, I wish I was fucking Bigfoot. Bigfoot leaves after he fucks her boyfriend, and her boyfriend comes out like oh my god babe, you should’ve joined us! And she’s like oh my god, that’s exactly what I wanted to do and you’re offering it to me, but I’m pissed. How could you not tell me you were gay? He’s like lol babe, Bigfoot doesn’t count. No homo. I can’t wait for you to meet. And she’s like how did you know I would be into this? And he’s like you read smutty books about fucking monsters to get off, like it was pretty clear that this was in your wheelhouse. And she’s like I don’t see the correlation. But like OK, I want to fuck Bigfoot.
So the next morning they have a weird threesome with Bigfoot, and Bigfoot buys her pussy with fish like some weird maritime prostitute. But then Brian drugs the fish because homeboy is somehow loaded and a medical tech and this book need a villain. Becky wakes up inside some forest cabin that would make Joanna Gaines cream her pants. And she’s like oh my god, I didn’t know Bigfoot could do construction. And Brian’s like lol, he can’t. I built this house and outfitted it with a bunch of super high-tech security cameras that you definitely can’t turn off or break. I’m starting an only fans starring you and Bigfoot. There’s like really good Wi-Fi in these woods. Becky’s like Brian, how could you? I loved you! And Brian is like literally why? I am the worst, and I did not hide that. And Becky’s like Brian, you know I have daddy issues! Stop being so sexy. And Brian’s like oh, by the way, I switched out your birth control so congratulations, mama. You’re pregnant with Bigfoot’s baby! You’re about to be on the new season of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. She’s like oh my god, I will find a way to escape you! And he’s like oh my god, whatever you do, don’t go out the unlocked front door.
So like obviously she leaves and goes to the forest and Bigfoot finds her and is like hey baby mama, how you doing? And she’s like I’m on my way to Planned Parenthood. And Bigfoot’s like sorry Bestie, abortion equals death. And she’s like yeah, that’s the point. And he’s like no, your death. Like we’re basically Texas. You can’t get one. And she’s like damn, I guess I have to believe you. And then he’s like oh also, you can’t eat food. You have to eat this dick. And she’s like excuse me. And he’s like I did not stutter. So Becky has to drink Bigfoot’s fun juice to survive. It tastes like maple syrup and or salted caramel, depending upon what the author was craving at the time. How’s that for gestational diabetes? And Becky’s like well, now that I gave you the sucky suck, what’s to stop me from going back to the real world? And Bigfoot’s like remember how pregnancy makes your hair grow? We took that to the extreme. Congratulations mama, you’re a furry! And Becky’s like omg, I just noticed, and I’ve never heard of laser hair removal, so I guess I’m just stuck here. And Bigfoot’s like great. I love you. And Becky’s like oh my god, it’s been one day and I’m a commitment-phobe. I need some space!
So she goes for a walk, and she runs into the big bad wolf. The wolf is like lol, Bigfoot lied to you. You can eat this magic flower, and it’ll give you an abortion. And Becky’s like why would you help me? This sounds like a trick. And the wolf is like for the very logical reason of I don’t want more Bigfoots in this world. And she’s like I don’t know. Sounds sus. And the wolf is like weren’t you trying to get an abortion like an hour ago? And she’s like yeah, but then Bigfoot give me a bunch of orgasms, so now I’m like reconsidering. And the wolf’s like oh my god, you are too stupid to reproduce. I’m going to eat you.
But then Bigfoot saves her from being attacked, and he and the wolf go over a waterfall like horsies from Spirit. And Becky’s like oh my god, Bigfoot’s dead! We’ve only been together one day, but in the past five minutes, I’ve decided that I love him. He can’t be dead! So she like cries on him, and he comes back to life because plot. And he’s like oh my god, thanks for saving me from death, babe. The big bad wolf was like guarding this magic Viagra flower, so now that he’s dead, let’s go get it so that I can get my dick juice back and you can suck it out again. And Becky’s like oh my god, this is so romantic.
Then grab your tape measures, girlfriends, because Bigfoot’s cock can shapeshift. Becky’s too tired to walk, so Bigfoot carries her with his penis. Not on, with. It coils around her like Nicki Minaj’s anaconda. To get to the magic flower, they have to scale a cliff. Becky falls off. And you’re like oh my god, great. This book is finally over. Not quite. Bigfoot catches her with his 70-foot-long dong. So they find the flower, and Bigfoot is like lol, so the wolf was telling you the truth. You could eat this flower like Plan B. And Becky’s like I don’t think that’s how Plan B works. And Sam was like I know. I just couldn’t think of another tasteful abortion joke. And Becky was like these have been tasteful? But either way, I’ve joined the pro-lifers. I’m keeping this baby. And Bigfoot’s like oh my god, call me daddy.
Then the author got bored, so we get a time jump, and Becky is ready to give birth. And Bigfoot’s like oh my god, I forgot to tell you. We’re gonna fetishize birth in this book. And she’s like what does that mean? And he’s like fisting. And she’s like oh okay, just make sure you throw in some ass eating to satisfy the masses. But before Bigfoot can tongue punch her fartbox, Brian shows up with his Disneyland tour group. He’s convinced this group of idiots to follow him into the woods to look for Bigfoot.
So they capture Bigfoot. And Becky’s like oh my god, I have to go get some more of that magic flower to make him super strong in his King Kong ding dong so he can save the day. While she’s getting the flower, she meets Bigfoot’s dad, Bigdick. It’s a family name. And he’s like hey sexy lady, how about you forget Bigfoot, and I’ll give you multiple orgasms instead. And Becky is like oh my god, that’s super tempting because I love monster cock, but unfortunately, I like Bigfoot’s personality even more. And the audience is like what personality? And Becky is like my other option was Brian, and the audience is like good point. So Bigdick is like you got this, babe. Go save your mans. Peace!
So Becky just walks into Brian’s tour guide camp and is like lol, I surrender. And Brian’s like perfect. I learned from my mistakes with the Hype House. Now, the cage has a lock. And Becky’s like Brian, you can afford all these gadgets but you couldn’t afford to pay for dinner? What’s your job anyway? And Brian’s like who knows? So Becky feeds Bigfoot the flower which makes him strong enough to break out of the cage and knockout Brian. Then Becky remembers that she’s supposed to be giving birth, and she’s like oh my god, it’s time to have the baby. And Bigfoot’s like who needs an epidural when there’s multiple orgasms? So they have the baby, and then Bigfoot slaughters the rest of the camp so that they can escape. Now it’s time to deal with Brian. They’re like delete your YouTube channel. You’re canceled. And Brian’s like actually I’m such a bad villain, that I never uploaded anything to the cloud, so collecting all that footage was basically pointless. And they’re like oh okay, perfect. We’re gonna leave you trapped here with all these dead bodies. I hope you don’t have to eat them or anything. Okay byeeee.
So now it’s time for the epilogue because this is a romance remember, guys. Becky is now a forest school teacher and slowly creating a softball team of Bigfoot juniors. The police just decided to leave the forest alone because Becky and Bigfoot made Brian record an apology video saying that he had started a death cult and that he murdered everybody. The police were like sounds legit, and Becky just forgot that Brian somehow also put microchips in her and Bigfoot, but like as long as no one takes them to the vet to get scanned, I guess they’re fine. Man, Brian was a busy guy. And Becky’s like happily ever after guys, I get to have monster cock every day. The end.
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