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Sex & God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality
Why are all the major religions consumed with sex? What makes sex so important, whether Buddhism or Islam, Christianity or Mormonism? What is the impact of religion on human sexuality? This book explores this and more. It ventures into territory that has never been examined. You will be surprised at how much religion has influenced your sexuality, who you marry, the pleasure you get or don't get from sex, and what you can do about it.
300 pages, Paperback
First published January 10, 2012
63 people are currently reading
1105 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 82 reviews
January 1, 2017
Given that the Amazon blurb says "it ventures into territory that has never been examined" I was on red alert from the start. Territory that has never been examined? Are you saying this is the first book ever published on Religion and Sexuality? That's absurd. Amazon has an entire section about religions and sexuality, and a simple search of the university library system finds books and articles on the topic dating back to the mid-1800s in Religious Studies, Neurology, Psychology, Sociology, Anthropology, etc, etc. You have got to be kidding me. But maybe Ray didn't write the blurb for his self-published book. That's possible. Maybe his self-publisher did that for him.
But given this, I was hardly surprised to find the book itself read like a first year term paper, riddled with errors and unfounded and undefended assertions. The book is largely lacking any sort of citation or sources, even from Ray's own field of psychology. When he does cite things it's frequently a fellow atheists like Hitchens and Ayaan Hirsi Ali, random internet sources, and the popular media. When he does cite academic sources, which is extremely rare, he often uses poor sources or frequently gets what those sources say wrong.
This book is the perfect example of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Ray has no idea what he doesn't know about religion or religious traditions. Instead he repeatedly makes overly broad generalized statements that have no basis in reality. What little he says about Islam, Buddhism and Hinduism he gets wrong. At times he mixes up an Islamic Scholar (which he misread and quoted from a very sketchy website) with the Qur'an, at other times he implies that Buddhists pray to a higher power for salvation. I suspect having come out of a conservative Christian tradition Ray is using that tradition as his prototype for what all religions are like and thus projecting his own beliefs into other cultural and religious contexts. It's awful. In the early chapters he presents crackpot theories (Jesus was a gay female eunuch) that no academic would ever take seriously before pulling them back saying "but that's just silly". If it's just silly and nobody, including yourself, believes it, why in God's name did you just waste 3 pages explaining it?
At one point he makes the assertion that he wants to be fair and balanced in his treatment of religious biology and scientific biology. His version of fairness is anything but fair. He dedicates a total of 2 pages to religious beliefs about biology, which are filled with nothing but bible quotes. He never once examines what people actually believe, and he never once leaves the abrahamic context, although to be fair he does find two embarrassing passages from the Qur'an. It's cringe-worthy, and the entire book is reflective of this sort of thinking. One cannot judge a religion based solely on your own selective personal interpretation of it's scriptures. It's dismissive, highly biased, and incredibly suspect.
At other times he seems to be implying that Buddhists worship an all-seeing deity and believe in an eternal soul. For the most part though he ignores non-Western Religions like Hinduism and Buddhism. It's a great gaping hole in his thinking that he utterly neglects eastern traditions like Confucianism, and Daoism. Although recognizing that there are some sex-positive religions in one of the early chapters, he never bothers to come back and reflect on how these might affect his thesis that all religions need to control sex in order to propagate themselves.
His treatment is superficial, highly biased, negligent of the academic work that's come before, often times self-contradictory, and he wears his pro-polyamory and anti-religion agendas on his sleeve.
But given this, I was hardly surprised to find the book itself read like a first year term paper, riddled with errors and unfounded and undefended assertions. The book is largely lacking any sort of citation or sources, even from Ray's own field of psychology. When he does cite things it's frequently a fellow atheists like Hitchens and Ayaan Hirsi Ali, random internet sources, and the popular media. When he does cite academic sources, which is extremely rare, he often uses poor sources or frequently gets what those sources say wrong.
This book is the perfect example of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Ray has no idea what he doesn't know about religion or religious traditions. Instead he repeatedly makes overly broad generalized statements that have no basis in reality. What little he says about Islam, Buddhism and Hinduism he gets wrong. At times he mixes up an Islamic Scholar (which he misread and quoted from a very sketchy website) with the Qur'an, at other times he implies that Buddhists pray to a higher power for salvation. I suspect having come out of a conservative Christian tradition Ray is using that tradition as his prototype for what all religions are like and thus projecting his own beliefs into other cultural and religious contexts. It's awful. In the early chapters he presents crackpot theories (Jesus was a gay female eunuch) that no academic would ever take seriously before pulling them back saying "but that's just silly". If it's just silly and nobody, including yourself, believes it, why in God's name did you just waste 3 pages explaining it?
At one point he makes the assertion that he wants to be fair and balanced in his treatment of religious biology and scientific biology. His version of fairness is anything but fair. He dedicates a total of 2 pages to religious beliefs about biology, which are filled with nothing but bible quotes. He never once examines what people actually believe, and he never once leaves the abrahamic context, although to be fair he does find two embarrassing passages from the Qur'an. It's cringe-worthy, and the entire book is reflective of this sort of thinking. One cannot judge a religion based solely on your own selective personal interpretation of it's scriptures. It's dismissive, highly biased, and incredibly suspect.
At other times he seems to be implying that Buddhists worship an all-seeing deity and believe in an eternal soul. For the most part though he ignores non-Western Religions like Hinduism and Buddhism. It's a great gaping hole in his thinking that he utterly neglects eastern traditions like Confucianism, and Daoism. Although recognizing that there are some sex-positive religions in one of the early chapters, he never bothers to come back and reflect on how these might affect his thesis that all religions need to control sex in order to propagate themselves.
His treatment is superficial, highly biased, negligent of the academic work that's come before, often times self-contradictory, and he wears his pro-polyamory and anti-religion agendas on his sleeve.
April 14, 2012
If you are someone who was raised with any sort of religious indoctrination, this is probably an invaluable book. It has a great deal of very topical information about how religion and sexual practices are intertwined. The only problem I had with the book, and I am the last person to defend religion, is that the author lays the problems with infidelity and sex education among other things at the at the feet of religion. While I am am certain that religion is to blame for much of it, I feel that because the author comes from a religious background he placed a little too much blame on religion. I suspect that most people who were raised, like myself, in a secular household are not automatically completely uninhibited with their children about masterbation and don't practice polyamory. Nonetheless, a very interesting book to read. I look forward to reading more of his literature..
May 23, 2016
This book definitely bites off more than it can chew.
Mind you. I am as anti-religion as the author himself. So my issue is not with the book's stance. The book read more like a Facebook rant by a bullied teen rather than a, well, book. Apart from a few paragraphs scattered around, there wasn't much value. I definitely didn't learn a whole lot from this book, and almost halfway through I was only reading to justify the money I spent on it.
The author talks again and again about the fact that religion distorts sexuality. Yes, we know that. But I couldn't find much psychology, anthropology, history, etc to explain why and how that happens.
Definitely a waste of time and money. Recommended for high school level reading.
Mind you. I am as anti-religion as the author himself. So my issue is not with the book's stance. The book read more like a Facebook rant by a bullied teen rather than a, well, book. Apart from a few paragraphs scattered around, there wasn't much value. I definitely didn't learn a whole lot from this book, and almost halfway through I was only reading to justify the money I spent on it.
The author talks again and again about the fact that religion distorts sexuality. Yes, we know that. But I couldn't find much psychology, anthropology, history, etc to explain why and how that happens.
Definitely a waste of time and money. Recommended for high school level reading.
June 8, 2017
A very interesting and informative read.
December 5, 2015
I looked this book up before I purchased it and I'm still not sure how it got such high reviews for being such an awful book. I was looking for a book that had an earnest discussion about God and sex. Covering all those messy social norms we don't like to talk about. Instead the book comes off as angry ramblings. To make matters worse I suggested it for a group read. More power to the people in the group who finished it. I just like to say thanks for not chasing me from the room and still being my friends.
June 23, 2013
This is the best book I have read to date dealing with this subject matter.
The author's experience training ministers, priests, and other religious officials combined with his work as a psychologist give him a unique point of reference to write a book that goes in depth in regards to the issues he has witnessed and assisted with.
As someone who has ambitions of one day becoming a sex and relationship therapist, I foresee this book being a staple recommendation. Imagine the world we could have if we human beings could all approach sex and sexuality from a more rational, scientific angle and remove damaging supernatural influences from our lives.
The author's experience training ministers, priests, and other religious officials combined with his work as a psychologist give him a unique point of reference to write a book that goes in depth in regards to the issues he has witnessed and assisted with.
As someone who has ambitions of one day becoming a sex and relationship therapist, I foresee this book being a staple recommendation. Imagine the world we could have if we human beings could all approach sex and sexuality from a more rational, scientific angle and remove damaging supernatural influences from our lives.
April 23, 2012
Excellent book, and oh so very timely right now, with all the religious conservative crap going on here in the USA. The author covers a wide range of information covering how religion poisons sex, and yet the hypocrisy that religious people are having sex, because it's natural, and then feel guilty and dirty about it, which makes a gradually more vicious cycle as they repeat it.
An easy, fascinating read, covers the basic screwed up religions of Christianity, Islam, Judaism, as well as touches on Buddhism, Hinduism, and Confucianism.
Lots of really good information!
An easy, fascinating read, covers the basic screwed up religions of Christianity, Islam, Judaism, as well as touches on Buddhism, Hinduism, and Confucianism.
Lots of really good information!
January 1, 2021
This is an excellent book that gives us that gives us an overview of what sexuality was and is before and after the appearance of the great religions such as Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism and Mormonism in various tribal or more "modern" societies and what we should do to be happy without denying our real sexual needs.
“How has your sex life changed since leaving religion?”
(It is) more liberating; less guilt; less fear about supporting people of other sexual orientations; more loving relationships; more freedom of expression physically; I feel healthier physically and mentally. I now feel like I can explore sex more. There is no God that is judging me or
overlooking what I do. I can do what I want, and feel good about it because I know that I'm doing it for both my partner's pleasure and my pleasure.
Everybody who feels insatisfaction in their sexual life should read this book.
“How has your sex life changed since leaving religion?”
(It is) more liberating; less guilt; less fear about supporting people of other sexual orientations; more loving relationships; more freedom of expression physically; I feel healthier physically and mentally. I now feel like I can explore sex more. There is no God that is judging me or
overlooking what I do. I can do what I want, and feel good about it because I know that I'm doing it for both my partner's pleasure and my pleasure.
Everybody who feels insatisfaction in their sexual life should read this book.
December 2, 2013
I saw Dr. Ray give a lecture on the subject of sex and religion at a recent conference, and wasted no time in buying his book at the speakers table. He was a funny and engaging speaker. The same easy-going conversational style comes through in his book. Sex & God is as much a book of self understanding as it is a examination of the role of religion in shared sexual mores, in the sense that we are all products of the culture we are raised in, and so it is responsible for much of our identities, whether we realize it our not. So yes reading this book will help you understand yourself better, especially your sexual self and your intimate relationships. The title might lead you to think it is all about Christianity in its various forms, which it is mostly since it is a book written by a western author for western readers, but critiques all forms of "sex-negative" religions including Buddhism. In short it's a guidebook on how to shed some of the obsolete attitudes and guilt that have been constructed for you by others long dead, and points you in the direction of living a sex-positive life.
March 5, 2014
This is a great book and very helpful for those who grew up with religious programming. The writer, a counselor, has counseled extensively and spoken and researched this subject extensively, and his stance is that religion doesn't belong in sexuality. It is a very sex-positive book and humanistic and interesting. I suppose some people (perhaps the strictly religious) might have a problem with the stance. It is educational and thought-provoking and I recommended it for my family members.
I will probably write a longer review later. I would also listen (buy and give to my family members) to this book in AUDIO format if it came out.
I received this ARC in exchange for an honest review.
I will probably write a longer review later. I would also listen (buy and give to my family members) to this book in AUDIO format if it came out.
I received this ARC in exchange for an honest review.
January 3, 2023
تجربة ذهنية بسيطة :
نشأت ماري ، الكاثوليكية ، منذ ولادتها على الذهاب إلى القداس والصلاة كل أسبوع. إذا فاتها القداس ، سوف تشعر بالذنب. سالي ، وهي من الكنيسة المشيخية منذ الطفولة ، تعلمت أن حضور الكنيسة جيد ولكنه ليس إلزاميًا. إذا فاتتها الكنيسة ، فإنها لا تشعر بالذنب حيال ذلك طالما أن لديها عذرًا جيدًا - مثل زيارة جدتها المسنة. جودي ، الملحدة منذ ولادتها ، لن تحلم بإضاعة يوم الأحد في الكنيسة ولا تشعر بالذنب على الإطلاق.
تعتقد النساء الثلاث اعتقادًا راسخًا أن الغش والقتل خطأ ويكرهن مثل هذه السلوكيات. تُظهر هذه التجربة الفكرية كيف يطبع كل دين نمطًا فريدًا من الذنب على أتباعه ولكن ليس له أي تأثير على ما إذا كان الشخص ملتزمًا بالقانون أو أخلاقيًا.
.
Darrell Ray
Sex And God
Translated By #Maher_Razouk
نشأت ماري ، الكاثوليكية ، منذ ولادتها على الذهاب إلى القداس والصلاة كل أسبوع. إذا فاتها القداس ، سوف تشعر بالذنب. سالي ، وهي من الكنيسة المشيخية منذ الطفولة ، تعلمت أن حضور الكنيسة جيد ولكنه ليس إلزاميًا. إذا فاتتها الكنيسة ، فإنها لا تشعر بالذنب حيال ذلك طالما أن لديها عذرًا جيدًا - مثل زيارة جدتها المسنة. جودي ، الملحدة منذ ولادتها ، لن تحلم بإضاعة يوم الأحد في الكنيسة ولا تشعر بالذنب على الإطلاق.
تعتقد النساء الثلاث اعتقادًا راسخًا أن الغش والقتل خطأ ويكرهن مثل هذه السلوكيات. تُظهر هذه التجربة الفكرية كيف يطبع كل دين نمطًا فريدًا من الذنب على أتباعه ولكن ليس له أي تأثير على ما إذا كان الشخص ملتزمًا بالقانون أو أخلاقيًا.
.
Darrell Ray
Sex And God
Translated By #Maher_Razouk
May 4, 2013
some of this is light and fluffy, some however is very serious and important.. the chapter on sexual abuse is eye opening and worrying.have to say the cover pic was misleading , the topic is very serious. see the reviews by others on goodreads or amazon
February 26, 2020
The author has an intense resentment towards any organised religion. The book is filled with speculation, ranting and anecdotal stories interspersed with referenced facts.
There is very little of value in this book. There is many better books cover similar topics.
There is very little of value in this book. There is many better books cover similar topics.
June 18, 2013
Rewrite your Sexual Roadmap
As Darrel outlines early on, using a map from the American Colonial era would be useless in today's modern world. Skyscrapers, back alleys, gang territory etc. would be conspicuously absent. So too with religion and sex. In the latter case, however, the consequences are far more dire than not finding the Space Needle after a few hours of sojourning in Seattle.
Religious myths about sex covers a short chapter, and some more humour is present in the Mormon "teachings" for adolescents maturing into sexual beings. Tragically, the issue is largely skirted and the words "sex" and "masturbation" are eschewed in lieu of religious buzzwords and euphemisms. It's a riot.
One of the most obvious effects is the sexual repression of Catholic priests and how their seminary "education" turns them into vicious predators. As their sexual development is frozen at ages 13-16, so too is their ability to relate to adults in a romantic way. Unfortunately, their hormones still rage and 10% of them (watch Deliver Us From Evil) will become pedophiles for life. The next most obvious effect can be seen in the scandals of Ted Haggard, Difatta, Craig and Allen in a predictable pattern. It's only a matter of time before those of Frank Turek's ilk are involuntarily outed (unless they chemically castrate themselves). Only those who are asexual could possibly lead a healthy or fulfilling life as celibate prelates.
The brutality of the Magdalene Sisters can be seen in their treatment of young girls imprisoned for "crimes" such as acting seductively, sex outside the bounds of marriage and being raped. Horny nuns + sexual repression + unquestioned power = torture and abuse.
Roman and Greek sexual practices and mores are explored in great detail. Sexual practices and behaviours and dictated by cultures, not from any innate commands from on high.
What was sex like before religion? Looking at nomadic hunter-gatherer societies, women collected at least half of the food. This gave them power equal or greater than men, even in countries with full-blown women's suffrage. Sadly, these tribes were either exterminated or forcibly assimilated by agrarian tribes.
Sexual identity and kinks are formed through genetics, epigenetics (gene expression) and culture. How one is raised can leave a lasting imprint. Childhood fears of balloons popping can re-emerge as a fetish for the experience that instigated that fear to begin with.
Darrel's sex study, appearing in the book's latter half, comes to one simple (and, in hindsight, obvious) conclusion: leaving religion is the best thing you can do for your sex life. No more guilt about masturbation (it won't turn you gay). No more timorous conversations regarding kinks and fetishes. No more sex only for procreation.
Among the exemplary advice that Darrel proffers for his readers includes the notion that everyone is normal. Everyone's sexual desires are normal, and so long as no unconsenting adults or minors are being harmed, go for it! Have a blast! Humans are one of the most sexually active animals on the planet, having sex multiple times (including masturbation) without having children.
As Darrel outlines early on, using a map from the American Colonial era would be useless in today's modern world. Skyscrapers, back alleys, gang territory etc. would be conspicuously absent. So too with religion and sex. In the latter case, however, the consequences are far more dire than not finding the Space Needle after a few hours of sojourning in Seattle.
Religious myths about sex covers a short chapter, and some more humour is present in the Mormon "teachings" for adolescents maturing into sexual beings. Tragically, the issue is largely skirted and the words "sex" and "masturbation" are eschewed in lieu of religious buzzwords and euphemisms. It's a riot.
One of the most obvious effects is the sexual repression of Catholic priests and how their seminary "education" turns them into vicious predators. As their sexual development is frozen at ages 13-16, so too is their ability to relate to adults in a romantic way. Unfortunately, their hormones still rage and 10% of them (watch Deliver Us From Evil) will become pedophiles for life. The next most obvious effect can be seen in the scandals of Ted Haggard, Difatta, Craig and Allen in a predictable pattern. It's only a matter of time before those of Frank Turek's ilk are involuntarily outed (unless they chemically castrate themselves). Only those who are asexual could possibly lead a healthy or fulfilling life as celibate prelates.
The brutality of the Magdalene Sisters can be seen in their treatment of young girls imprisoned for "crimes" such as acting seductively, sex outside the bounds of marriage and being raped. Horny nuns + sexual repression + unquestioned power = torture and abuse.
Roman and Greek sexual practices and mores are explored in great detail. Sexual practices and behaviours and dictated by cultures, not from any innate commands from on high.
What was sex like before religion? Looking at nomadic hunter-gatherer societies, women collected at least half of the food. This gave them power equal or greater than men, even in countries with full-blown women's suffrage. Sadly, these tribes were either exterminated or forcibly assimilated by agrarian tribes.
Sexual identity and kinks are formed through genetics, epigenetics (gene expression) and culture. How one is raised can leave a lasting imprint. Childhood fears of balloons popping can re-emerge as a fetish for the experience that instigated that fear to begin with.
Darrel's sex study, appearing in the book's latter half, comes to one simple (and, in hindsight, obvious) conclusion: leaving religion is the best thing you can do for your sex life. No more guilt about masturbation (it won't turn you gay). No more timorous conversations regarding kinks and fetishes. No more sex only for procreation.
Among the exemplary advice that Darrel proffers for his readers includes the notion that everyone is normal. Everyone's sexual desires are normal, and so long as no unconsenting adults or minors are being harmed, go for it! Have a blast! Humans are one of the most sexually active animals on the planet, having sex multiple times (including masturbation) without having children.
March 11, 2014
I received this as an arc from netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
I really liked this book. What kept me from giving it 5 stars was that I wanted to see more academic references to support his claims because I wanted to use it in an academic setting as a required textbook. But I understand why he provides information from both academic journals and mainstream entertainment magazines and newspapers: to reach the common reader.
Dr. Ray takes us through his personal experiences with religion and sex, then discusses historical references to religion, society and sex. He then addresses the biology of animals including, of course, humans and how we are designed sexually. Finally he weaves an argument about the nature of social control involved in distorting sexuality and why it continues, how we can be liberated from this, and how this will ultimately help in our personal relationships with our partners.
It was a fascinating read and while I won't adopt it as a textbook at this point, I do recommend it to my sociology of religion students.
I really liked this book. What kept me from giving it 5 stars was that I wanted to see more academic references to support his claims because I wanted to use it in an academic setting as a required textbook. But I understand why he provides information from both academic journals and mainstream entertainment magazines and newspapers: to reach the common reader.
Dr. Ray takes us through his personal experiences with religion and sex, then discusses historical references to religion, society and sex. He then addresses the biology of animals including, of course, humans and how we are designed sexually. Finally he weaves an argument about the nature of social control involved in distorting sexuality and why it continues, how we can be liberated from this, and how this will ultimately help in our personal relationships with our partners.
It was a fascinating read and while I won't adopt it as a textbook at this point, I do recommend it to my sociology of religion students.
April 12, 2012
A fascinating book that blows the top off the sex control systems used by organised religion. The early chapters are perhaps a little predictable in their attack on religion, but the later chapters illustrate how religion and the agricultural societies they infect radically changed the healthier attitudes to sex and relationships held by hunter gatherer societies. I was surprised that there was no mention of the medieval church's strictures on marriage between related cousins, second cousins etc, to ensure the greatest income from christian families.
June 16, 2012
An incrediblly broad view on how religion affects sexuality and the perception we have of sex, relationships, general human behavior and values. Even though a lot can be said on the subject, by the end of the book it feels like no topic had been left unattended by the author. It's a wonderful piece that will provoke a war of thoughts for those who are still living under the sexual dictatorship of religion. And for those who already left God's realm of control, the piece is a great surce of knowledge for an honest approach to a sexual rewarding life.
May 25, 2015
While I certainly don't share this (atheist) author's intense resentment of Christianity, I do enjoy behavioral science in all its forms, and I find there's always things to learn from reading books that differ with one's own positions.
BTW, you can judge this book by its cover. :-)
BTW, you can judge this book by its cover. :-)
August 14, 2017
This is a great book that covers an essential topic. I am a witness to the truth of this distortion, from having a family member who thought God told him to practice polygamy, to having siblings and boyfriends who had sexual obsessions or unhealthy avoidance, to having inappropriate private interviews as a young teenager with middle aged [untrained and unvetted] men about my sexuality. Religion plays a very dangerous game with the world's perception of sex. It can cause longterm psychological and physical damage.
I found the science behind the topic very interesting, especially a comparison of species and tribes around the world, and redefining what we consider "healthy" and "normal."
It is very clear (not just from this book, but from history and current events), that religion is a cause of sexism, disatisfaction, and abuse, worldwide. In its smallest and largest forms. That is something that we simply cannot deny. One person in a sex-negative religion cannot point fingers at someone else's sex-negative religion without being hypocritical, no matter how different they feel it is. For example, I knew many Mormons who considered themselves supportive of women, and pointed fingers at religion in the Middle East, appalled at their treatment of women. However, they are willingly participating in a church which practiced polygamy for decades (against the will of many women) and still preaches there will be polygamy in heaven, who has an all-male clergy, who teaches that a woman's highest (used to be "only") duty is to be a wife and mother, and whose women regularly vow to obey their husbands in religious ceremonies. Many (I would say most) women in the LDS church do not feel oppressed. Sure, sexual extremism in other religions could be considered worse. But it all contributes to misconception, control, anxiety, fear (and bad sex) in society. No one owns anyone else, sexually or otherwise.
The one issue that I have is that he wrapped up the book with the definitive conclusion that humans are not meant to be monogamous. It's very possible that this is true. I will take his recommendation and study up on this. I do think that divorce is not always a tragedy, and that often it's for the best. I don't always think anyone should have to have a "reason that's good enough" to get divorced, if they are unhappy or unsatisfied. But sometimes I do think that. I think that marriage is a big commitment and the partners have to decide what they're comfortable with. Ray suggests that the best-case-scenario is when a couple is married but allow each other to have sexual partners outside the marriage. That doesn't exactly feel right. If you're going to do that, why get married at all? Perhaps for the sake of children if you have them. It's possible that some couples are very happy that way, but I think he goes a little far in stating that it's the BEST scenario. Who knows, maybe it is. Maybe it's just society that teaches jealousy about partnerships. The nice thing about this conclusion though, is that he's very clear in stating that it's an equal partnership with man and woman and that both of them have freedom in this scenario.
I often wonder if men are more likely to desire more partners and have less self control, which would lead to further abuse of women--or really any partner who is more invested--or heartbreak. No different than polygamy. That could just be sexism (or distorition of genders) on my part though! He names one tribe that is very open sexually, and the women seem to actually have as much, if not more power than the men; they aren't afraid to leave if they are mistreated, etc. The society seems very functional, and there is not one gender that more likely to have more partners than another; it's very fluid. So, the concepts are all very interesting. I think it would take several generations for society to change that much, but it does already seem like it's happening. Many changes have taken place in the "information age." One of the advantages to that one tribe, I think, is that they aren't aware of the norms of other societies (or perhaps don't see the value in them); that same type of lifestyle might not even work in America, because of the different type of work/survival that we handle. Kind of like "Bringing Up Bebe," the book on French parenting... it's like yeah it's great if we have an infrastructure for that -- where daycares are free and safe and serve organic gourmet food -- but would that type of parenting work in America? (I love that book though; full of good points)
A lot of his conclusions seem to make sense, but some of them feel more like opinions. I suppose in time I might have the same opinion; but only time could tell the truth of his ideal society.
Regardless, it is a super valuable book, and I honestly wish I could give it to everyone I know of my former religion, especially the ones who are not married (well, I could give it to them but they'd be very offended, embarrassed, and unreceptive). How unfair that they are locked in a glass box... if they just look up they would realize they can climb right out.
I found the science behind the topic very interesting, especially a comparison of species and tribes around the world, and redefining what we consider "healthy" and "normal."
It is very clear (not just from this book, but from history and current events), that religion is a cause of sexism, disatisfaction, and abuse, worldwide. In its smallest and largest forms. That is something that we simply cannot deny. One person in a sex-negative religion cannot point fingers at someone else's sex-negative religion without being hypocritical, no matter how different they feel it is. For example, I knew many Mormons who considered themselves supportive of women, and pointed fingers at religion in the Middle East, appalled at their treatment of women. However, they are willingly participating in a church which practiced polygamy for decades (against the will of many women) and still preaches there will be polygamy in heaven, who has an all-male clergy, who teaches that a woman's highest (used to be "only") duty is to be a wife and mother, and whose women regularly vow to obey their husbands in religious ceremonies. Many (I would say most) women in the LDS church do not feel oppressed. Sure, sexual extremism in other religions could be considered worse. But it all contributes to misconception, control, anxiety, fear (and bad sex) in society. No one owns anyone else, sexually or otherwise.
The one issue that I have is that he wrapped up the book with the definitive conclusion that humans are not meant to be monogamous. It's very possible that this is true. I will take his recommendation and study up on this. I do think that divorce is not always a tragedy, and that often it's for the best. I don't always think anyone should have to have a "reason that's good enough" to get divorced, if they are unhappy or unsatisfied. But sometimes I do think that. I think that marriage is a big commitment and the partners have to decide what they're comfortable with. Ray suggests that the best-case-scenario is when a couple is married but allow each other to have sexual partners outside the marriage. That doesn't exactly feel right. If you're going to do that, why get married at all? Perhaps for the sake of children if you have them. It's possible that some couples are very happy that way, but I think he goes a little far in stating that it's the BEST scenario. Who knows, maybe it is. Maybe it's just society that teaches jealousy about partnerships. The nice thing about this conclusion though, is that he's very clear in stating that it's an equal partnership with man and woman and that both of them have freedom in this scenario.
I often wonder if men are more likely to desire more partners and have less self control, which would lead to further abuse of women--or really any partner who is more invested--or heartbreak. No different than polygamy. That could just be sexism (or distorition of genders) on my part though! He names one tribe that is very open sexually, and the women seem to actually have as much, if not more power than the men; they aren't afraid to leave if they are mistreated, etc. The society seems very functional, and there is not one gender that more likely to have more partners than another; it's very fluid. So, the concepts are all very interesting. I think it would take several generations for society to change that much, but it does already seem like it's happening. Many changes have taken place in the "information age." One of the advantages to that one tribe, I think, is that they aren't aware of the norms of other societies (or perhaps don't see the value in them); that same type of lifestyle might not even work in America, because of the different type of work/survival that we handle. Kind of like "Bringing Up Bebe," the book on French parenting... it's like yeah it's great if we have an infrastructure for that -- where daycares are free and safe and serve organic gourmet food -- but would that type of parenting work in America? (I love that book though; full of good points)
A lot of his conclusions seem to make sense, but some of them feel more like opinions. I suppose in time I might have the same opinion; but only time could tell the truth of his ideal society.
Regardless, it is a super valuable book, and I honestly wish I could give it to everyone I know of my former religion, especially the ones who are not married (well, I could give it to them but they'd be very offended, embarrassed, and unreceptive). How unfair that they are locked in a glass box... if they just look up they would realize they can climb right out.
July 20, 2021
While Dr. Ray has a good understanding of how sexuality is distorted in a Christian context, and he makes some good points about the inner workings of modern cults, I think he needed to do more research into Islam and Judaism before writing this book. Some of the sections about these religions are not only inaccurate, but downright offensive. Dr. Ray is a well-known atheist, but his specific brand of atheism is so permeated with his own background of growing up in a fundamentalist Christian community that I think he has a hard time separating his critiques of religion from his critiques of Christianity specifically. As a result, the book is lacking in a LOT of nuance. Perhaps if Dr. Ray had actually discussed his notions of Islam and Judaism from an outsider perspective with actual practitioners or ex-practitioners of Islam and Judaism then his book would have been a lot more fleshed out.
For me, it was difficult to tale this book seriously when from page 2 on when Dr. Ray implies that Wicca and Pagan (not paganism, just "pagan") are examples of good, forward thinking religions while denouncing Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, and Hinduism. Speaking as a pagan myself, it's foolhardy to think that all Wiccan or Pagan sects are immune to the exact issues that Dr. Ray spends the whole book criticizing other religions for. Clearly Dr. Ray doesn't realize that Wicca and modern neo-paganism are intrinsically tied to cultural Christianity, and therefore have unfortunately adopted many of Christianity's faults.
For me, it was difficult to tale this book seriously when from page 2 on when Dr. Ray implies that Wicca and Pagan (not paganism, just "pagan") are examples of good, forward thinking religions while denouncing Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, and Hinduism. Speaking as a pagan myself, it's foolhardy to think that all Wiccan or Pagan sects are immune to the exact issues that Dr. Ray spends the whole book criticizing other religions for. Clearly Dr. Ray doesn't realize that Wicca and modern neo-paganism are intrinsically tied to cultural Christianity, and therefore have unfortunately adopted many of Christianity's faults.
March 30, 2018
Though I don't agree with the author's every assertion, I do with his main points.
First, human biology does not match with the teachings of major religions, as far as sex is concerned. Religion teaches a restrictive, "one size fits all" approach to sexuality. Primate sexuality, including that of humans, does not nearly match the expectations taught by major religions. E.g. almost nobody actually lives out the religious definition of monogamy: one sexual partner only for a lifetime.
Second, religion creates guilt, particularly in the realm of sexuality, then offers believers the supposedly only way to forgiveness for the guilt it created in the first place.
I do recommend this book to anybody who wants to explore the relationship between religious indoctrination and sexuality, particularly how religion can cause sexual problems. I do NOT recommend this book to anybody who holds, and is not willing to examine and challenge, fundamental views of sexuality, as taught by the world's major religions.
First, human biology does not match with the teachings of major religions, as far as sex is concerned. Religion teaches a restrictive, "one size fits all" approach to sexuality. Primate sexuality, including that of humans, does not nearly match the expectations taught by major religions. E.g. almost nobody actually lives out the religious definition of monogamy: one sexual partner only for a lifetime.
Second, religion creates guilt, particularly in the realm of sexuality, then offers believers the supposedly only way to forgiveness for the guilt it created in the first place.
I do recommend this book to anybody who wants to explore the relationship between religious indoctrination and sexuality, particularly how religion can cause sexual problems. I do NOT recommend this book to anybody who holds, and is not willing to examine and challenge, fundamental views of sexuality, as taught by the world's major religions.
February 15, 2021
The author, a self-proclaimed atheist, believes that religion is the source of all the sexual problems humanity faces. The problem is that he generalizes his own upbringing, as a Fundamentalist Christian, to all world faiths and traditions.
Here are the main problems:
1. He does not understand other religions (for exampe, around 80% of what he says about Islam is factually erroneous).
2. He uses shoddy statistics (for example, his hallmark study suffers selection bias and self-reporting).
3. He manipulates anthropology to fit his narrative (he thinks that a subset group of hunter-gatheres today represent the human condition 50,000 years ago!!).
4. And his assertions are strife with logical inconsistencies (he uses testimonies of non-religious people when it confirms his views, but disregards them as people who have been programmed by religion when their views oppose his own).
Not to say that the author did not get anything right. But with all the problems mentioned overshadow the little good that is scattered throughout the sea of rubbish in this book.
Here are the main problems:
1. He does not understand other religions (for exampe, around 80% of what he says about Islam is factually erroneous).
2. He uses shoddy statistics (for example, his hallmark study suffers selection bias and self-reporting).
3. He manipulates anthropology to fit his narrative (he thinks that a subset group of hunter-gatheres today represent the human condition 50,000 years ago!!).
4. And his assertions are strife with logical inconsistencies (he uses testimonies of non-religious people when it confirms his views, but disregards them as people who have been programmed by religion when their views oppose his own).
Not to say that the author did not get anything right. But with all the problems mentioned overshadow the little good that is scattered throughout the sea of rubbish in this book.
July 28, 2022
As a young atheist emerging from the church, I assumed that my feelings about sex and sexuality had been influenced by the church. I eagerly picked up Dr. Ray's book to help "deprogram" my brain as well as taking up listening to his podcast.
But while I liked the book and Dr. Ray's advice pretty well, I couldn't relate to it in the way I thought I should. I didn't CARE about sex ultimately, but Dr. Ray's advice seemed to indicate that that meant I was just supremely repressed and in denial. Reading his book and listening to his podcasts where he often talked about how EVERYONE engaged in self-pleasure ended up confusing me even more. Why was I so different?
It took several years before I had the language to describe who I was: I was asexual. I used to think rather fondly of this book, but now I simply feel sad that it added to my confusion by not legitimizing asexuality.
But while I liked the book and Dr. Ray's advice pretty well, I couldn't relate to it in the way I thought I should. I didn't CARE about sex ultimately, but Dr. Ray's advice seemed to indicate that that meant I was just supremely repressed and in denial. Reading his book and listening to his podcasts where he often talked about how EVERYONE engaged in self-pleasure ended up confusing me even more. Why was I so different?
It took several years before I had the language to describe who I was: I was asexual. I used to think rather fondly of this book, but now I simply feel sad that it added to my confusion by not legitimizing asexuality.
June 17, 2023
Not a big fan of the cover or the graphic design to try and get you to focus on it. I think it could’ve been a much more engaging read for multiple people to enjoy.
I honestly don’t think the book was long enough as it left many ideas and topics not explored fully enough for my liking.
Towards the end of the book you start to really understand or the author stopped trying to sell you on science and ideas and was more into giving you opinions. I became pro polygamy and sexual non-monogamy but social monogamy. The authors true feelings slipped in a little too often. Many terms came from their other book titled “the god virus”, and it was a little jarring at times.
It had a few interesting themes about critical thinking being genetic and religion being a driving factor to unhappiness for many people.
It was at least complete with a bibliography and index.
I honestly don’t think the book was long enough as it left many ideas and topics not explored fully enough for my liking.
Towards the end of the book you start to really understand or the author stopped trying to sell you on science and ideas and was more into giving you opinions. I became pro polygamy and sexual non-monogamy but social monogamy. The authors true feelings slipped in a little too often. Many terms came from their other book titled “the god virus”, and it was a little jarring at times.
It had a few interesting themes about critical thinking being genetic and religion being a driving factor to unhappiness for many people.
It was at least complete with a bibliography and index.
July 17, 2019
excellent read for anyone in the church and willing to be critical or anyone who's left the church and wants to uncover some implicit messaging they aren't even aware of.
the mid-section got a bit slow, lots of research and less interesting bits, but overall a very good book that explains biological desire and cultural/religious conditioning. definitely read to the end.
Ray isn't preachy or telling you what to do, he just explains how religions distorts sexuality, and suggests alternative ways of viewing relationships and the purpose of intimacy. some of the facts seem far-reaching, and it's definitely written with a critical eye and repeated claims, but as someone from a Evangelical background, I still found it helpful.
the mid-section got a bit slow, lots of research and less interesting bits, but overall a very good book that explains biological desire and cultural/religious conditioning. definitely read to the end.
Ray isn't preachy or telling you what to do, he just explains how religions distorts sexuality, and suggests alternative ways of viewing relationships and the purpose of intimacy. some of the facts seem far-reaching, and it's definitely written with a critical eye and repeated claims, but as someone from a Evangelical background, I still found it helpful.
May 3, 2023
As someone raised in a high control religious group (baptist), I found this book interesting. Lots to ponder. Here’s a quote:
“Baptists and evangelicals in the United States have among the highest divorce rates. The best predictor of child abuse, after drugs and alcohol, is parents’ religiosity. Sexual dysfunction is often related to religious guilt, from childhood training. Teenage pregnancy is highest among the most religious.
Most religious people would deny that religion contributes to all of these problems. But religion actually causes or contributes to the behaviour it most abhors. Failure to identify religion as the cause, allows it to stay hidden.”
The one con I would say: the audiobook recording is not good quality, and I was quite disappointed in that.
“Baptists and evangelicals in the United States have among the highest divorce rates. The best predictor of child abuse, after drugs and alcohol, is parents’ religiosity. Sexual dysfunction is often related to religious guilt, from childhood training. Teenage pregnancy is highest among the most religious.
Most religious people would deny that religion contributes to all of these problems. But religion actually causes or contributes to the behaviour it most abhors. Failure to identify religion as the cause, allows it to stay hidden.”
The one con I would say: the audiobook recording is not good quality, and I was quite disappointed in that.
September 17, 2025
Look…. I really tried but…. This felt like a book that was written in a garage of a retired bored person…
“Is it possible that religion impacts hormones? Could testosterone increase or decrease in response to religious activities? No one has researched this, but most religious services are based on the idea of submission and evoke submissive behavior such as the following: Bowing the head during prayer… “
Well if no one has researched it, why the fuck is it in your book? Is it possible that drinking holy water makes you horny? No one has researched this but I have a theory I’m gonna share that increases my page count and nothing else.
I just… nothing I didn’t already know. Nothing enlightening. Glad I didn’t waste my time finishing it.
“Is it possible that religion impacts hormones? Could testosterone increase or decrease in response to religious activities? No one has researched this, but most religious services are based on the idea of submission and evoke submissive behavior such as the following: Bowing the head during prayer… “
Well if no one has researched it, why the fuck is it in your book? Is it possible that drinking holy water makes you horny? No one has researched this but I have a theory I’m gonna share that increases my page count and nothing else.
I just… nothing I didn’t already know. Nothing enlightening. Glad I didn’t waste my time finishing it.
January 14, 2019
This was really good, with caveats. I can definitely see some of my own programming. It's going to be difficult processing it all. I don't know where I'll end up on that.
This was pretty condemning to religion, but fair enough, religion has had its fair share of condemning everyone else. Ray comes across as a bit angsty, but I can get over that. And some of his studies listed barely support his points, but I think his points were mostly sound anyway.
I thought I might read this and have to make some major changes, but it wasn't really like that (at least, not yet :o).
This was pretty condemning to religion, but fair enough, religion has had its fair share of condemning everyone else. Ray comes across as a bit angsty, but I can get over that. And some of his studies listed barely support his points, but I think his points were mostly sound anyway.
I thought I might read this and have to make some major changes, but it wasn't really like that (at least, not yet :o).
February 17, 2019
as a practicing Muslim, I really understand why the author has such a negative view about Islam. He does not know anything about Islam, and learn from Ayaan Hirsi Ali is a Somali-born Dutch-American activist, feminist, author, scholar and former politician and a critic of Islam. Therefore, He get a wrong interpretation of Islam.
So, my message for all readers, please don't learn Islam from this book.
So, my message for all readers, please don't learn Islam from this book.
May 12, 2021
Listening to this book was very reassuring, and it addressed a lot of things I suspected about the culture revolving sexuality like monogamy. It was definitely an interesting and worthwhile read, and I would recommend it to all ex-religious atheists who want to straighten out a few of their pre conceptions about sex.
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