Memorable Loss: A Story of Friendship in the Face of Dementia

by Karen Martin

Dementia is experienced in different forms, in different ways and is coped with differently by different people, but with nearly 10 million new cases every year, it is something many people face. It’s tough on those with the disease, but it is also incredibly hard for the loved ones around them. Karen Martin’s story about her friend Kathleen, however, is overwhelmingly one of love and persistence. Despite their nearly half–century age difference, their commonality drew them to each other, and their genuine friendship uplifted them both. Charting the story from pre–diagnosis to Kathleen’s eventual passing, this moving tale highlights the difficulties and joys of facing dementia, through the lens of friendship.

Genres: Nonfiction, Christian

216 pages, Paperback

Published July 11, 2023

Reviews

[Karen Martin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wrote this book!
I've read its final copies multiple times this year, so I hope you can enjoy reading it as much as
I enjoyed writing it. It's published on July 11th.

Here are some reviews from advanced copies:
"a fount of wisdom for anyone who cares for a friend with dementia," Dave Duel

"a profound meditation on memory and personhood, human identity and Christian discipleship," Mark Meynell

"This book is poignant, insightful and hopeful. It will equip and edify in equal measure," Sam Allberry

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dementia can be a very long painful and confusing journey, but it is made bearable with patient, lovely friends and family. This is the beautiful story of Karen’s 20-year friendship with a much older Kathleen and how she cared for Kathleen until her last day. As I have beloved family with dementia I could not help weeping during the last chapters. Yet the Lord is kind to those who suffer and need his mercy the most. Let us trust in you with our whole hearts, Father.

[Steve Ayers · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a remarkable book, sensitive and beautifully written. It gives a great insight into dementia through the author's changing friendship with an elderly woman in her church. It's thoroughly researched and tender hearted. A cliche but I both laughed and cried. This is a strong contender for being my book of the year. Heartily recommend it.

[Ernest D. · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful perspective on a difficult situation

Having had a relationship with a neighbor before a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, seeing her move into assisted living, and making weekly visits, I could relate somewhat to the author’s experience. She makes a wonderful case for seeing beyond the label of “Alzheimer’s “ and seeing the person. Beautifully written, extremely informative. I highly recommend this book.

[Jennifer S. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very intimate, moving account of the kind of bond that can only be forged because of God's kindness to cross our paths with friends who are as close as (or closer) than family. Karen Martin invites us into her friendship with Kathleen, an older woman in her church family with whom she bonded even before Kathleen's dementia diagnosis.
This story may be difficult for some to read as Karen doesn't shy away from the heartbreaking stages of dementia and Alzheimer's, but that's also what makes this story of such a special friendship so beautiful.
I also learned even more about dementia as Karen is informative along the way, providing facts that may be helpful to those for whom this disease is newer territory.
Truly touching, truly informative, I loved this so much.

[Martin L · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kathleen was a former deputy head teacher whose diligent professionalism was widely celebrated on her retirement. She subsequently enjoyed many years’ activity including foreign travel and various community and charitable pursuits. She had never married, and had no close relatives living nearby, so she had planned meticulously against the possibility of declining health. In the last years of her life, this came about as Alzheimer’s disease slowly closed down her horizons. This is her story.

This is Karen’s story, too. Karen Martin has also been a teacher; she came to know Kathleen when they belonged to the same church. Their friendship, spanning a forty-year age gap, began with pragmatism. When Kathleen no longer wanted to drive at night, it made sense for Karen to offer her lifts to evening events. Gradually, their shared faith, professional backgrounds and outlooks brought them closer.

Inevitably, their friendship changed as Kathleen’s health deteriorated; Karen was deeply engaged in Kathleen’s struggles. She voices honestly her perceived failures and frustrations at not giving better support, even though her concern and commitment are undeniable. Kathleen’s move to residential care left Karen feeling “demoted” and “dejected”. She notes how, in that decision, Kathleen’s physically distant nephews could see objectively what was best; Karen herself, though outside the family, was ironically too emotionally involved to surmount denial about her friend’s condition.

This book reaches beyond the purely personal. Following her friend’s death, the author explored the wider medical aspects of dementia (as shown by an extensive bibliography), learning lessons which she accepts could have been valuable earlier. She highlights the cultural importance of memory in Western society. Memory is considered vital to identity; the prospect of losing the ability to remember is, for many people, terrifying. Equally, though, dementia carries unexpected compensating factors:

“Loss of short-term memory has some benefits. It makes dwelling on cross words or foolish acts impossible. It makes guilt less likely. It makes regret almost impossible.” (p69)

The changing nature of memory for an Alzheimer’s patient is also noted. Music and photographs became valuable with Kathleen as remote memories proved more durable than recent ones:

“Her world was reducing to the present and the remote past. The recent past and the ability to plan ahead and visualise a future was already deeply impaired … The present had become her only real point of reference …” (pp77, 95)

Anecdotes provide valuable insights. Once Kathleen had relinquished control of her finances, a note carefully placed in her handbag – “Philip has my cheque book [and] looks after my money for me” –often defused anxiety. By contrast, a written reminder to “Do the washing” led to newly-laundered clothes being put straight back into the machine: Kathleen simply forgot they had just been washed.

At its deepest level, though, this is a story of friendship. Karen and her family gave Kathleen abundant time and care, yet Karen insists they received more than they gave. She notes “a thin line between dignity and condescension … I was very aware of this throughout our friendship.” Yet the narrative bears witness to sizeable empathetic shifts as Karen adjusted to Kathleen’s changing capabilities.

This perfectly titled memoir is a profound book, likely to evoke both tears and laughter. It beautifully celebrates friendship, showing how relationship and love can outlast memory’s demise and enable life to go on, albeit in different ways. Anyone with relatives or friends facing the onslaught of dementia will find it helpful; but it is well worth reading by all who value human dignity, love and friendship.

[Becca Hadaway · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this book. It's beautifully written and researched - I felt like I learned something with every page. Poignant and heartbreaking in places, it's also packed full of joy and hope.

I was fascinated by the discussions around the relationship between Alzheimer's and our sense of self (which I had never really considered before), and the author's argument for society to change the way we view people with Alzheimer's - still very much themselves and an individual - and not just a patient or sufferer. The book beautifully outlines how sometimes the disease can have positives and be a blessing, again not something I had come across before.

I would absolutely recommend this book to everyone, regardless of if you have had a personal experience with Alzheimer's or not.

[Lisa Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not a How-to book

While there were moments in this book when I wished I’d read it years ago, mostly I was glad to read it now, resonating with many of the author’s experiences. My stepmother went through much of this and died at age 93. She too had Alzheimer’s and broke her hip. Her transition to assisted living was not the happy one the author experienced with Kathleen.

But I also read the book and thought about what I would want for myself.

[Elaine · Rating 5 out of 5]

A heartbreaking read. Dementia is a cruel illness! Karen Martin does a great job of guiding us through the story of her friendship with Kathleen as they face the dementia battle together.

Weaving the wisdom of all she learned along the way and has researched since this is a great insight into an illness which many of us will face.

[Nicola Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful and moving book about caring for someone with dementia and what dementia is

[electrajoy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Need to remember to reread later in life too.
Granny square to match cover.
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