Dirty Laundry: Why adults with ADHD are so ashamed and what we can do to help

by Richard Pink, Roxanne Emery

If you have ADHD - or love somebody who does - DIRTY LAUNDRY will change your life, and your relationships.

Do you feel crippling shame because you struggle with cleaning, personal hygiene, or time-keeping?
Do you always feel misunderstood by the people close to you and find that they get frustrated by your behavior?

Dirty Laundry is an unfiltered look into the chaos of real life with ADHD. It will transform your self-hatred into self-acceptance, with simple tips that actually work for your brain. It will also help to educate partners, parents and friends, to help them move from frustration to patience, understanding - and love.

Learn how
- Stop believing you are fundamentally broken,
- Stop judging yourself by the standards of a neurotypical world,
- Communicate your struggles to those who love you,
- Support someone with ADHD in ways that work for them,
- Be compassionate rather than judgemental,
- And much more.

This fearless, often outrageously funny, account of life, learning, and growing with ADHD reveals the strategies Rich and Rox use to reduce shame, improve communication, and find happiness in their neurodivergent household. Filled with heartbreak and humor in equal measure, Dirty Laundry is an invaluable resource both for neurodivergents and the people who love them.

Genres: Nonfiction, Adhd, Self Help, Mental Health, Audiobook, Psychology, Health

160 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2023

Reviews

[Xenia Ruiker · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this, but unfortunately it was not my cup of tea. I can tell it was written with the best of intentions, but as a person who learned to function despite her ADHD on her own, I find the message in these pages slightly troubling. Rather than teach how to overcome and live with the challenging aspects of ADHD, it heavily relies on co-dependence. I understand this was Rox's life experience and she's writing solely based on that, but if I were lost and struggling with my ADHD, this book would basically tell me to go and find a neurotypical person to be with so they can help me, rather than find a way to help myself.

Considering this, the most helpful part of this book should be that of the neurotypical teaching others how to treat people with ADHD, but Rich's part of the book was very hard to read. I kept feeling like he was talking about dogs. That whole "your ADHDer" thing that's said in almost every paragraph of the book was very painful to read.

Again, I get what the book tried to do and I appreciate it, but my own personal experience and my views on this subject made me disagree too much to enjoy it or feel like recommending it to anyone. :(

[James M · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is the book equivalent of "oh silly you, have you tried using a calendar so you're not late/miss appointments?"

Rich's constant referral to those with ADHD as "your ADHDer" doesnt sit right. It gives the impression that those with ADHD are second class citizens, and has an air of ownership about it. Given the majority of the books advice is 'be heavily reliant on someone neurotypical for everything' its not really a surprise.

The book is boring and repetitive. Chapters are split into Rox providing a dull anecdote, and some advice which is "I rely on Rich", followed by Rich providing the exact same anecdote and advice only worded slightly differently. The book could literally be cut in half, and it would make no difference apart from making it a shorter amd slightly more enjoyable read.

[Whitnie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not the clinical answer to what is ADHD and how to deal written by people who have studied the brain and human psychology for 50 years but never actually experienced ADHD hands on. This is written by real people. Don’t get me wrong, the first type of books are also fantastic and super helpful, hell I own a few of those myself and am a big proponent of therapy. But this book is so personal and real that it really changed my views in a lot of ways. I live in a home full of ADHD. My husband was diagnosed as a kid and just given meds to calm down without the skills or therapy to actually learn to live with it. Our son has struggled for years with school and low self esteem before we realized (and accepted) that he has it. And I have only recently been diagnosed at the age of 36. So many parts of this book hit home on both Rox’s side of living with it, and Rich’s side of loving someone with it. I was in tears for parts and then in tears after just thinking about it. While I just finished reading this on my own, it’s a book we plan to read as a family to understand ourselves and each other better. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn more about themselves or those they love with ADHD. Fantastic, quick read. So glad to have found it.

[Na Islandii · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have a feeling the author is struggling with something more than ADHD or maybe is on the extreme side of the spectrum. I had a hard time relating to many of the things mentioned and it really made me second guess my diagnosis.

I know that the author mentioned that it's her symptoms and everybody is different. At the same time I would appreciate some statistics and information regarding how many people actually struggle with things in such an extreme manner.

Also, it seems like coping with ADHD means finding your neurotypical saviour who will take care of you like you're a baby. As much as I think having a supporting partner is key, Rox seems too reliant on Rich. The solution is not to find somebody to take care of you. It's to be able to take care of yourself.

Finally, had to listen to the audiobook on 1.3x speed because they were narrating so slowly it was driving me mad.

I don't know if I would recommend reading it.

[Sara Woś · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bardziej niż poradnik, jest to raczej opowieść o związku osoby z ADHD z neurotypową, ale czytało się przyjemnie i zabawnie.

[Nick · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really disliked the extreme blaming of every negative trait on ADHD. While I could not care less about the authors their lives and whatever works for them is fine by me, but the way this book portrays ADHD is simply not true.

You can overcome challenges, ADHD makes certain tasks more difficult, not impossible. If the message of the book wasn't so forced on the "I-know-because-I-got-diagnoses" and filled with advice that is just really bad, I would not have cared either.

It could have been a decent read if the authors had chosen to tell it as their narrative instead of some form of truth. If I may join in that style, then "Rox" has more serious co-morbid undiagnosed neurodivergent challenges. Because holy shit is everything dialed to the max with her symptoms.

[not my high · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bardzo, bardzo fajna książka. Zdecydowanie zachęciła mnie do dalszego, bardziej wnikliwego, edukowania się o ADHD.

Jest mocno powtarzalna - pod koniec znałam wszystkie porady na pamięć. Fakt, że neurotypowa osoba bez wykształcenia psychologicznego ma tak dużo do powiedzenia o neuroróżnorodności... nie pasuje mi.

Duża część problemów, które zostały tu przedstawione to rzeczy na które nie ma żadnej rady poza: potrzebujesz specjalisty. Może psychiatry, może leków lub terapii.

✨️akceptacja✨️ & ✨️wsparcie partnera (którego może nie masz)✨️ to nie wszystko. Nie jesteś gorszx, bo masz ADHD, ale może Ci być cholernie trudno i samoakceptacja zdecydowanie nie naprawi tego, że żyjesz w społeczeństwie, które cię nie rozumie.

Brakowało mi podkreślenia tego, jak ważna może być profesjonalna pomoc i z jakiegoś powodu nie było ANI SŁOWA o lekach.

- napisane z perspektywy autystyka, który spotyka się z ADHDowcem

[Samantha Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found much of this relatable. I saw someone else saying it lacked substance and was just their perspective, not supported by research. I knew that going in. That's not what I wanted. I can find the research if I want to. I needed to hear a human, life lived perspective, and that's what I got. It's an easy read, finished in a few hours, and I must admit, I shed a few tears and had a few "oh my god, that's an ADHD thing too?" moments.

[Katie Allen · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a short book written from the perspective of a couple in which one has ADHD, and they focus on what it was like before and after the diagnosis and give advice without any references, which I really dislike when you have tips/suggestion sections but nothing but personal experience to back it up. I don't discount their advice flat out at all, but given the amount of information and research out there now on this, I'm disappointed nothing is included.

It's also written almost as if transcribed from a conversation and lacks maturity and substance. I'm grateful for those willing to be vulnerable in sharing their stories but at the same time do not recommend this book to someone in the beginning stages of understanding their ADHD diagnosis given all the options out there that include a more balanced approach with anecdotes and science.

[Tessa Shtabska · Rating 1 out of 5]

After finishing this book, I feel like it lacks depth. Probably, I should mention that I don’t follow the authors on any social media, and I started this book without any prior knowledge of their background.

The book doesn’t resonate with me at all; it didn’t provide any new information. From my perspective, it seems like if you don’t find a person who would take your life in their hands, then you are doomed to live a miserable life.

[Karli · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m truly surprised that this book has received so many positive reviews. It suggests methods that rely so heavily on codependency that it’s potentially toxic to your relationships.

I will start by saying that they cover the shame associated with ADHD and its symptoms very well, and that seems to be where they really resonate with their neurospicy audience.

A lot of these stories and examples sound like she got her diagnosis and just waved the white flag. I kept waiting to get to a part where Rox attempts to better herself or make adjustments on her own, and I was continuously disappointed. I’m not implying you can fix your ADHD, but you can certainly make your life easier and more functional by finding ADHD-friendly solutions. I kept dumping my shoes in the same place in the foyer instead of putting them away in my closet. Enter the large decorative “shoe basket” that now lives in my foyer. Brushing my teeth, while necessary, was daunting and burdensome. I have a fancy fun toothbrush with a timer, and I started using sparkly kids toothpaste because the minty adult stuff was too spicy. These are small things I do to make everyday tasks easier for me. I am constantly trying to change stuff up to work for me and how my brain operates. I don’t rely on my husband to do this for me. He is supportive and helpful, but it’s not his job to find what works best for my neurodivergent brain while I continue doing everything the same way that’s never worked for me. There’s a difference between working with your ADHD and leaning into it.

It sounds like Richard is caring for a toddler, not in an active partnership. You have poor executive function with ADHD, but you’re not incompetent in every facet of life. He talks about having to show her how to make a bed, use a washing machine, clean a mirror, how to fold, how to start the dishwasher… What in the world? Being neurodivergent isn’t a reason to not know how to do those things, and I don’t know how she possibly reached adulthood without seeing others do any of this. I know how to make my bed, and I would be irritated if, at 32 years old, someone tried to show me how. What I lack is the executive function to get that done along with my morning routine. It’s not important enough to me to prioritize it over the other things I struggle to stay on top of, so here we are. But everyone I know, neurodivergent and neurotypical alike, knows how to make a bed (and complete the other everyday tasks he lists).

Rich tries to be empathetic and asks the audience to be empathetic as well, but he was assigning characteristics that I’ve never found to be standard with those with ADHD. “They’ve likely never been shown how budgeting and credit scoring work, so patience and understanding are key.” RICHARD, PLEASE.

Rich and Rox seem to love each other very much. They’re sweet. They appreciate each other. Their roles and actions in their relationship seem to work for each other. However, most people don’t want to be a full time caretaker to their adult partner. This is where the “help” in this book could be detrimental to our relationships. It asks too much of our loved ones and places too much responsibility on them. We have to take some ownership of our disorder, regardless of the fact that it’s out of our control. My husband and I both do the dishes. I don’t like doing dishes, because the feeling of wet dishes makes me cringe. It’s also a big snooze fest. Rather than leaving this 100% for my husband, who also doesn’t enjoy the dishes, I wear gloves and listen to an audiobook while loading the dishwasher. You have to adapt. While I have several areas that I struggle with and haven’t found a solution for, I’m still trying. And my husband can be supportive and helpful without being expected to have that solely on his shoulders.

Rox and Rich suggest you tell everyone you know that you have ADHD and ask them to call you out on it. Honestly, that’s insufferable. And not wise in many careers. Like it or not, there is a stigma associated with ADHD. Most people don’t understand it. It would not benefit me (and many others) to advertise my disability in every possible environment, especially asking those I work with to keep my behaviors in check. I also don’t believe ADHD needs to define me, and this kind of thing takes a step in that direction. Be yourself, be honest with others, but don’t ask your world to bend around your needs when you’re not doing much to help yourself. I have processes in place to keep myself in check, and I’m not going to ask that of my coworkers. A good example is Rich suggesting “set a time limit for them.” Set a timer for yourself, girlie! Why does Richard have to do this? I love my timer. I use it all the time, whether it’s to make myself to something I don’t want to for just 15 minutes, or to cut off task avoidance at 30 minutes. If my husband tried setting timers for me like I was one of our children, I wouldn’t care for it one bit. You have ADHD; you can acknowledge that you procrastinate, get distracted, get overwhelmed, and have time blindness. So do something about it! Get a visual timer and hold yourself accountable.

The symptoms they discuss and how they present in Roxanne also had me questioning if she’s been misdiagnosed or has other otherwise undiagnosed comorbidities going on. They are either using ADHD as an excuse for every negative behavior she has or there is more to her mental health that needs to be addressed, but I didn’t like how they assigned all of these behaviors to anyone with ADHD. I have a disorder that makes it difficult for me to live in a society designed for neurotypical people, but I’m perfectly capable of learning how things work and making strides to improve my day-to-day functionality. To insinuate otherwise is irresponsible.

[Andee · Rating 1 out of 5]

Let me disclaim that this book was maybe simply not written for me. I am an adult with ADHD, who was diagnosed as an adult. I am married to an adult with ADHD. However, much like the ADHD half of these two authors, I also have done a lot of “tik tok learning” about ADHD- meaning most of these conversations were on my FYP…two years ago. There isn’t a lot new when it comes to “turns out that was ADHD all along!”

So, this seems more for the ones who haven’t been diagnosed yet, or done any digging yet. Which also seems like those people are less likely to be picking this book up with the tagline it has but…I digress.

It seems the solution to all of these problems is simply to go find Richard Pink and marry him. That is genuinely what most of the advice in this book boils down to. There is no evidence backed information mentioned in this book, which I found frustrating. Anecdotal evidence is great, but when you reference things about ADHD symptoms as facts, you probably ought to include more information on that.

Additionally, I am an adult with ADHD. I am not a toddler, nor am I a dog. The way Richard’s parts of this book reads feels as though he endlessly infantilizes his partner due to her ADHD. Some of his comments about how without her diagnosis, they wouldn’t still be together, or how without the early relationship honeymoon phase, they wouldn’t have made it…made me wary. Especially when I realized they’d only been together four years.

There are some helpful grains of salt here and there, but this isn’t a book I’d recommend to most of the people I know with ADHD.

[przygodaliteracka · Rating 5 out of 5]

niesamowita książka
bardzo mnie otuliła i pokazała, że nie jestem z tym sama!

[Andrea]

So, I’ve made the decision to not finish this even though I’m almost half-way through and it’s quite an easy read. My reason is purely personal, and is that there’s a lot of co-dependence going on in this book.

Rox solves most (if not all) of her struggles related to ADHD by relying on her husband, Rich. And look, I’m not here to judge them: if that has worked for them, that’s nice (I just sincerely hope they never split up or Rox will have a hard time “adulting”). However, I cannot afford co-dependence. I have no one who will help. I live alone, swimming in my mess, forgetting my groceries in the fridge until they’re moldy, reminding myself to take a shower and doing the laundry with my own hands. I won’t have a neurotypical partner who will do things for me or who will even REMIND me to do them. So, to be honest, this book offers no practical advice.

I’ll give them credit on the overall message. It is true that the best way to help a loved one with ADHD is to show them compassion, not judgement. But, other than the “kindness and compassion” message, there’s little more of value for me.

I find two things very interesting about this book. The first one being that Rox says (and I’m paraphrasing) that we should let people teach us how to do things. She talks about how Rick taught her how to make her bed, for example, and now she does it almost every day! And I’m over there like: “Is that what you struggle with? Not knowing?”. I’m not saying that you can’t have ADHD AND not know how to do something. The two things are not mutually exclusive. HOWEVER, learning how to do things like that is not a part of managing ADHD and as such shouldn’t be included in this book. Let me explain: Rox says that it’s like she wasn’t born with the same manual that other people have to do things, and she says that Rich has given her that info in the form of teaching her to make her bed or use the washing machine.

Let me be very clear: ADHD doesn’t mean you don’t know how to do stuff just like being neurotypical doesn’t make you an expert at it. You know (or you don’t) how to do things because you are taught. You not knowing means you were never taught, and not being taught is a completely different issue. I have very difficult to manage ADHD but know how to make my bed and how to use the washing machine since I was a kid. That is NOT the issue at all. The issue is to actually DO those things. We need to learn to do things our way, practically; to ditch neurotypical standards, but this book doesn’t teach you such things. The book “How to keep house while drowning” is a much better example.

And the other thing is related. See how I just said that Rich taught Rox a lot of basic life skills? (Which is fine, btw.) Well, the whole time feels like Rich is her parent and/or her dog trainer and she’s a dog. And not exactly because of the things mentioned but because of how they are written.

For example, every time Rich refers to the person with ADHD who you are trying to help as a neurotypical person, instead of saying “your loved one” or similar, he kept saying “your ADHDer”. Which in and of itself might not be that big of a deal (still icky tho), combine that with advice like (and this is a direct quote):

“You can help encourage your ADHDer with basic hygiene tasks like bathing and teeth cleaning by having products you think they will enjoy. For example, ask if they’d like a lavender-oil bath with their favourite scented candle lit, or buy a fancy new electric toothbrush. Try bringing some excitement and joy to this area, as opposed to the crippling shame they will have felt for years.”

Is it just me or can you change that to “your dog” instead of “your ADHDer” and it still makes perfect sense??? What is wild to me is that Rich says to try to not be patronizing.

All in all I’m glad Rox found a life and person that are helping her to cope with her ADHD, I truly do. However, this book is weird, a little patronizing and not what I need to be better at the things I struggle with.

[Ellice · Rating 1 out of 5]

'A man will save you' but make it a neurodivergent edition. Big no

[Melany · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not going to lie, I really enjoyed this book. The story about his wife's adhd and all of the research he's done made me giggle solely because I have ADHD and it was extremely relatable. I listened to this whilst I was cleaning (adhd binge cleaning after feeling bad for pushing it off for 2 weeks). This truly opened my eyes, and I loved their approach to it. I love how Rich adapted things to fit his wifes needs due to ADHD. It truly shows how beautiful and meant for one another they are. There is some sense of shame with ADHD due to the struggles that come along with it, like laundry or just "normal" things others can do that we can't do as easily. It really made me feel more seen and understood. I feel like anyone with ADHD or anyone who knows someone with it should read/listen to this book. It really helped me a lot. I cried at one point because I felt so understood for once in my life. Thank you for putting this out there for others to feel so understood and seen for once. Thanks for the little road map, I'm going to try some of the tips!

[mara.literacka · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fajne uzupełnienie wiedzy na temat adhd. Świetnie pokazuje jak to zaburzenie wyglada na co dzień i jak
mozna sobie z nim radzić zarówno jako osoba z nim jak i osoba towarzysząca. Plus za kochana osobowość autorów.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I discovered this couple's ADHD humor/informational video bits when I was as at a particularly vulnerable point of my own ADHD journey and they gave me life and made me feel seen. After having a particularly tough mental health year, I had received a double diagnosis of an anxiety/depressive disorder and ADHD. Both things I had been living with and struggling with for years (ADHD my whole life) without knowing what was wrong. So even though my dark times are nothing compared to Roxanne's (familiarly "Rox" in the book) there are still an astonishing number of parallels. Like Roxanne, I did well in school so I wasn't the kid that people worried about. Like Roxanne, living up until now with undiagnosed ADHD, created a lot of inner turmoil and self-doubt. So I particularly related with that plaguing, awful worry that you must be broken or somehow incompetent at being a person.

The crux of their ADHD_love_ videos highlights the day-to-day of a couple where one of them is an adult with ADHD (diagnosed late, as an adult) and feeling their way through it. Also they depict how a relationship works when one of you is neurotypical and the other one isn't. These are funny, true, and sometimes unexpectedly touching, and the book brings all of this to the table. If anything, it's even more nurturing. It's clear they've both done a lot of work in therapy (separately and probably together) and they pay it forward to people (like myself) who are fresh on their journey and still processing.

Their philosophy of "radical acceptance" may be a lot to take in for partners, especially, but it is something that a lot of (as Rox calls us) ADHDers desperately need to hear, particularly in their early days with a diagnosis. Pink and Emery reinforce the point that acceptance doesn't equal "no accountability" but rather realistic, practical strategizing. I sense that Emery herself, is still on her own journey towards getting more agency with this--she freely admits she has been really reliant on her partner, especially in her earliest days with the diagnosis. That said, she also had to have more of a healing period than a lot of us, and she does show her work with how she's been progressing. Sometimes you have to walk before you can run and the reassurance here is just what someone needs at the start of their path.

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was good. I really liked the structure of the book, with Rox sharing her vulnerabilities and ADHD quirks and issues, and then Richard coming in behind to talk about how to support a partner dealing with those (or similar) issues, with love and acceptance and no judgement or anger.

I really liked how he shared very openly about how he initially felt very disrespected by the things that Rox would forget or mess up or lose, taking it as a lack of care for those things, or that he wasn't important, but then upon her diagnosis, realizing that her brain just works differently, and he RETRAINED HIMSELF to lead with openness and curiosity rather than assumptions and irritation. Loved it.

As a presumed-but-still-officially-undiagnosed ADHD'er, I can't say that I identified with all of the issues that they shared in this book, but quite a few resonated STRONGLY with me. Really informative and sweet, and I definitely think this is an eye-opening read for couples who generally have very different life-management styles in general, even if all you take from it is to be willing to openly and vulnerably communicate your needs and be willing to help fill gaps for your partner.

[Christina TB · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really really wanted to love this book. As a neurospicy woman married to a diagnosed ADHD man I’ve been hyper focusing on helping him overcome his shame and anxiety. I really REALLY wanted there to be concrete things that would be helpful to focus on in therapy (for example), or heck, even an explanation as to why certain types of therapy might be more or less effective. No dice though. In general the book seems to be more about explaining ADHD behaviour and ways to hopefully mitigate some of the every day challenges that, left unchecked, and lead to intense frustration. That in itself is fine - I just don’t think the subtitle of the book is completely accurate.


Additionally, I found it irritating that every chapter could have been half the length. It was the same information repeated - but each had perspective A: adhd author, and then the same stuff again from perspective B: neurotypical author. I understand the intent, but using the same exact stories, metaphors, and turns of phrase with maybe a slightly different arrangement of sentences and word order left the entire thing feeling incredibly redundant. I also think the book could have used more diversity as it’s more of a memoir of them overcoming the challenges in their own relationship that were caused by ADHD.

A book full of different couple’s Split View with coping mechanisms laid out could have been interesting, but again, the SAME example used by both persons just gets boring.

I’m glad so many people have felt seen by this book - but unfortunately it just doesn’t do it for me.

[Honey · Rating 1 out of 5]

While I'm sure the intentions are to help, I find it alarming that given the many resources available on ADHD there are no academic/scientific references here. Where the couple say they "looked at TikTok and spent time Googling" (which is alarming on its own, please get professional help) the advice here feels very anecdotal and what fits them.

There is also quite a lot of co-dependency so, whilst helpful for the authors, may not be helpful for everyone else. I particularly dislike the personal hygiene and cleanliness part, where acceptance and being shame-free is pushed forward rather than getting actual help.

There seems a lot of blaming ADHD for negative traits and I don't like the term "your ADHDer". The ADHD dictionary in the end is obviously the couple's own made up language, which I suppose was put there for funny purposes... but could the publishers/editors not have pushed more for more helpful references and hotlines?

Respectfully, Rich & Rox have every right to feel validation about their experiences. Unfortunately, I just hope they stuck to their social media platforms rather than creating this book.

[лічі · Rating 3 out of 5]

трошки іншого очікувала, але книга гарно підійде родичам/близьким людям тих, у кого є рдуг

[Catalina Vieru · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been following their social media for ages and always found it so funny and heart warming! So just bought the book to see if it is the same 😂 It is.

Rich and Rox manage to address 10 adhd symptoms in the book, first from her perspective, shared with vulnerability and including tips for people with adhd on shaking off the shame, then from Rich's perspective, as the supportive NT partner. It is lovely to see how much care, love and 'i see you' is in this book.

If I'd have one criticism (and I do) is that the book (and the social media) are from the perspective of helping the ND partner function in society and how much the NT partner is doing, how aware they are, how patient, loving and understanding. And although that is cool to see, would have loved to see more vulnerability on Rich's side and maybe more ways in which being in this relationship improved HIS life and what Rox is teaching him. The way is depicted now comes across as a bit unilateral. There is ONE chapter in the book where Rich says being with Rox taught him to sometimes enjoy spending money and indulge in little things.

Other that that, it's heart warming, read it.

[Bella · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't doubt that this book will help a lot of people with ADHD, but for myself (diagnosed with ADHD) and my boyfriend (who wants to understand my diagnosis) this book was just a bit boring and repetitive.

I really like the couple's TikToks and find them really relatable and funny, but for some reason the book just doesn't hold up the same. Each chapter is set out in the same way, with an anecdote about how a certain aspect of Rox's ADHD has negatively impacted her life, then a basic therapy paragraph about how "the ADHD brain isn't wrong, just DIFFERENT, and there is nothing wrong with that!" and then Richard's neurotypical view of the ADHD symptom in question, and how to approach it. Maybe for a person/couple who is less accepting of their ADHD struggles this would be relatable and useful, but honestly to me, it read almost like a dog training book. Richard's sections have this habit of referring to the person in question with ADHD as "your ADHD-er", which just as easily could be replaced with "your labrador" or "your jack russel terrier" with regards to how someone with ADHD views the world and behaves. The whole thing just came across as weirdly trivialising, and made me feel like it's the neurotypical partners responsibility to understand and accommodate for their partners disability, because the ADHD partner can't HELP IT, their brain isn't wrong it's just DIFFERENT.

I do feel like I misunderstood the message and tone of the book, which as someone with ADHD feels really weird, but maybe it's just not the book for me.

[Kayleigh O'lynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just spent the afternoon with this book, and it is so relatable. I got my diagnosis last year - parts of this book had me in tears - they break down common symptoms, how they affect both sides (ND/NT), and give helpful improvement tips, without using negative language. Definitely recommend if you experience, or are partnered with someone who experiences, ADHD. The shame is real and support is everything. It's a quick read - and worth picking up.

[Michael James · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book, which discusses the several symptoms of ADHD Rox deals with and how she and her husband Rich navigate them. It is very specific to her and to them, but I found it really helpful to hear how someone on the other side of therapy explains how ADHD affects her. I particularly found fascinating how she describes how her mind processes time.

[faustyna。 (lekkidramat) · Rating 3 out of 5]

w jakimś stopniu to było dla mnie osobiste i pozwoliło otworzyć oczy na wiele rzeczy, ponieważ ta pozycja skupiona była w głównej mierze na relacji osoby neuroróżnorodnej z osobą neurotypową. jednak podejrzewam, że inne książki na temat adhd powiedzą to samo i pogłębią te części, których tu było za mało.

[Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm torn about this one. And even as I type that, I'm sure it's a ME thing and not a BOOK thing, but it's still *a thing*.

For most of this book, I was nodding along and occasionally cheering, having a whole slew of things I didn't even realize were attributable to ADHD finally make sense. (Object permanence? Mine's not just people, but also things. If it's not right in front of me, it ceases to exist. Which is why I have like sixty-seven pairs of scissors, etc..)

It was also really nice to see how supported Rox is. My partner tries, but I'm pretty sure I'm the reason he has grey hairs in his eyebrows.

The cognitive dissonance for me, though, is that very same support. While it's beautiful to see so much non-judgement, the American toxic individuality baked right into my psyche had a real problem with just how far that support went. It honestly felt, to me, like it's beyond support and sailed straight into enabling territory. It's all well and good to support your neurodivergent partner, but when you're literally shielding her from any consequences of her behaviors...it gets dicey, IMHO. There's such a thing as personal responsibility, and I feel like there's a fair chunk of this advice that absolutely is not that.

(note: I don't know these authors. I have no idea what their relationship's like outside of the public context. This is absolutely not a value judgement on their particular way of handling things; just saying that, to me, some of the advice felt very *not congruent* with what therapists and doctors have said to me, about my own personal situation. Whether that's cultural or individual, I don't know. I can only speak on what feels right to me, *for* me.)

Balancing that out, though, is the fact that I have words now. And not just my own words, but words on a printed page, that I can absolutely whip out and hand to my partner when I can't describe why it is that I'm 99% sure that making soldered jewelry is my life's calling and that I have to buy the best soldering tool they make because THIS is different than all the OTHER things that have called me, etc.. (BTW, I have a very nice soldering tool for sale if anyone else feels called in that direction.)

Despite my personal squick, I'd definitely recommend this for partnered folks with new ADHD diagnoses. I think it'd help immensely. If you're unpartnered, it might not be as helpful, but will still give you language and validation, which is good too, obviously, but I would guess than the super nonjudgemental partner thing (which, let's face it, isn't all that common) might make you feel a little lonely.

For me, it was just a little too forced helplessness/burden-shifting to be perfect, but for what it is, it's worth the read. 3.5*.

[poeta orcio · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ehhh, nie chcę jechać po tej książce tak bardzo, ale jest tu kilka rzeczy których mi tu BARDZO brakowało:

-bardziej naukowych wstawek z ogólnymi faktami, statystykami itp. Może napisanych przez psychologa? Ja zazwyczaj nie lubię kiedy w książce jest za dużo suchych faktów ale tutaj wydaje mi się że trochę brakowało
-praktycznych porad, takich life-chacków które ułatwią codzienne funkcjonowanie. Tutaj podane porady były bardziej wsparciem psychicznym (co tez jest potrzebne!!) ale spodziewałam się więcej praktycznych porad rzeczywiście zmieniających codzienność
-uniwersalności, mam wrażenie że rady były spisane konkretnie pod tą autorkę, brakowało mi tu strasznie opisu ogólnych objawów ADHD a nie tylko z perspektywy jednej osoby. Nawet gdy sama autorka nie doświadcza konkretnych sytuacji, mogło by tu zostać opisane dla bardziej szerokiej perspektywy.
-najbardziej mi tutaj brakowało jednak tej wiedzy, tej psychologicznej, naukowej strony. Bo ogólnej wiedzy psychologicznej na ten temat nie było prawie w ogóle, co trochę sprawia że książka przestaje być profesjonalna i wiarygodna (nie mówię że są tu nieprawidłowe informacje!! Ale mam nadzieje że wiecie o co mi chodzi)

Co trochę mi tu nie pasowało to żartowanie ze wszystkiego. Może jestem po prostu wrażliwszą osobą ale nie ważne jak blisko bym była z daną osobą żarty tu przytoczone w kontekście niektórych zachowań by mnie raniły. Ale to tylko moje odczucie, pewnie nie każdy tak to odbiera.
Szczerze rozczarowałam się, myślałam że rzeczywiście coś z tego wyniosę, a nie wyniosłam nic ☹️. Wierzę jednak że ta książka na pewno komuś pomogła

[Jody Jo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Heartfelt, honest and genuine

I’d recommend this book for anyone struggling with deep despair caused by the ADHD in yourself, your relationships or your family; it’s full of hope, genuine compassion and practical tips.

I found this book via the couple’s social media, which posts lighthearted, loving, fun and informative ADHD scenarios. That’s what I’d been looking to read here. The book, however, adopts a much more serious tone. If your or your partner’s ADHD is more at the level of annoying rather than disabling, and you just want some comic relief alongside guidance to help you navigate everyday life, this book might feel too heavy. In that case, flip straight to the clever ADHD word inventions at the end. But still buy the book, so they can continue to share their loving entertainment.