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A Bittersweet Season: Caring for Our Aging Parents--and Ourselves
Wise, smart, and ever-helpful, an essential guide to caring for aging parents.
When Jane Gross found herself suddenly thrust into a caretaker role for her eighty-five year-old mother, she was forced to face challenges that she had never imagined. As she and her younger brother struggled to move her mother into an assisted living facility, deal with seemingly never-ending costs, and adapt to the demands on her time and psyche, she learned valuable and important lessons. Here, the longtime New York Times expert on the subject of elderly care and the founder of the New Old Age blog shares her frustrating, heartbreaking, enlightening, and ultimately redemptive journey, providing us along the way with valuable information that she wishes she had known earlier. We learn why finding a general practitioner with a specialty in geriatrics should be your first move when relocating a parent; how to deal with Medicaid and Medicare; how to understand and provide for your own needs as a caretaker; and much more.
Includes chapters on the following
Finding Our Better Selves
The Myth of Assisted Living
The Vestiges of Family Medicine
The Best Doctors Money Can Buy
The Biology, Sociology, and Psychology of Aging
Therapeutic Fibs
When Jane Gross found herself suddenly thrust into a caretaker role for her eighty-five year-old mother, she was forced to face challenges that she had never imagined. As she and her younger brother struggled to move her mother into an assisted living facility, deal with seemingly never-ending costs, and adapt to the demands on her time and psyche, she learned valuable and important lessons. Here, the longtime New York Times expert on the subject of elderly care and the founder of the New Old Age blog shares her frustrating, heartbreaking, enlightening, and ultimately redemptive journey, providing us along the way with valuable information that she wishes she had known earlier. We learn why finding a general practitioner with a specialty in geriatrics should be your first move when relocating a parent; how to deal with Medicaid and Medicare; how to understand and provide for your own needs as a caretaker; and much more.
Includes chapters on the following
Finding Our Better Selves
The Myth of Assisted Living
The Vestiges of Family Medicine
The Best Doctors Money Can Buy
The Biology, Sociology, and Psychology of Aging
Therapeutic Fibs
448 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2011
228 people are currently reading
1446 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 189 reviews
May 6, 2011
The worst nightmare of most adult children is that their parents will die a lingering death, suffering a drawn-out and humiliating series of losses and depleting all financial reserves. Yet somehow, we think, “It won’t happen to OUR family.”
Wrong! In Jane Gross’s important new book, she reveals that approximately 40 percent of Americans, generally past the age of 85 will follow this course – and that number will only grow with improvements and prevention and treatment of cancer, heart disease, and pulmonary disease.
Those of us who are baby boomers – used to being in control – must stand by and (as one of Jane’s bloggers stated), “watch our mothers un-live.” Yet we are stuck in a medical world where old age is considered a disease with a cure…when in reality, precisely the opposite is true. There ARE no heroics and there IS no cure for aging.
This one is PERSONAL for me. Like the author, I was thrust into an unanticipated role of moving my vibrant mother halfway across the country to a senior facility nearby. It upended my life, causing never-ending cycles of guilt, resentment, frustration, overriding terror and exhaustion – along with the days of feeling very blessed to have the chance to be a part of my mother’s world again. I trusted my intelligence and management skills and believed I was making all the right choices. I wish I had read this book two years ago! Among the insights that Jane Gross reveals:
*The Medicare fee-for-service system is broken. To get paid, doctors must recommend a billable procedure; recommendations on lifestyle changes, for example, translate to no payment. Small wonder that few doctors are opting for gerontology or even internal medicine. Small wonder, too, that one-third of Medicare-age patients have difficulty in finding a new physician!
*Researching the best specialist in the field isn’t always (or even usually) the answer. Sometimes, an operation can be performed and the elderly patient dies of the recovery. The question to really ask is, “Is the procedure worth it, given the waning number of years?”
*Public policy has yet to keep up with the needs of a populace, inevitably adult daughters, who put their own jobs and marriages at risk. In a study, most respondents wanted caregiver tax credits and respite services – an unlikely scenario given the state of the economy.
*There comes a time when the person you viewed as parent and protector begins receding into the past. “She never stopped caring about us, per se,” writes Jane Gross of her own mother, “only in our babble about a world she no longer lived in.”
I could go on and on about this amazing book. I read parts of it with tears streaming down my eyes because I’ve been there, done that – the late night trips to the emergency room, the confrontations with a mother who held me initially responsible for her diminishing independence, the vacation guilt, the being labeled an “hysterical daughter” when I demanded certain care levels, the scramble to find quality care and a caregiver we can trust.
I was luckier than most: my mother did save up for old age and we rather quickly found a senior facility that concentrated on living, not dying, in The Hallmark (Chicago). And I have a wonderful sister who is on the same page. But the fact that I’m interjecting myself into this review is the whole point: this is shared problem that demands shared answers. Bravo to Jane Gross for a well-researched, highly personal, crucially valuable and intelligent book.
Wrong! In Jane Gross’s important new book, she reveals that approximately 40 percent of Americans, generally past the age of 85 will follow this course – and that number will only grow with improvements and prevention and treatment of cancer, heart disease, and pulmonary disease.
Those of us who are baby boomers – used to being in control – must stand by and (as one of Jane’s bloggers stated), “watch our mothers un-live.” Yet we are stuck in a medical world where old age is considered a disease with a cure…when in reality, precisely the opposite is true. There ARE no heroics and there IS no cure for aging.
This one is PERSONAL for me. Like the author, I was thrust into an unanticipated role of moving my vibrant mother halfway across the country to a senior facility nearby. It upended my life, causing never-ending cycles of guilt, resentment, frustration, overriding terror and exhaustion – along with the days of feeling very blessed to have the chance to be a part of my mother’s world again. I trusted my intelligence and management skills and believed I was making all the right choices. I wish I had read this book two years ago! Among the insights that Jane Gross reveals:
*The Medicare fee-for-service system is broken. To get paid, doctors must recommend a billable procedure; recommendations on lifestyle changes, for example, translate to no payment. Small wonder that few doctors are opting for gerontology or even internal medicine. Small wonder, too, that one-third of Medicare-age patients have difficulty in finding a new physician!
*Researching the best specialist in the field isn’t always (or even usually) the answer. Sometimes, an operation can be performed and the elderly patient dies of the recovery. The question to really ask is, “Is the procedure worth it, given the waning number of years?”
*Public policy has yet to keep up with the needs of a populace, inevitably adult daughters, who put their own jobs and marriages at risk. In a study, most respondents wanted caregiver tax credits and respite services – an unlikely scenario given the state of the economy.
*There comes a time when the person you viewed as parent and protector begins receding into the past. “She never stopped caring about us, per se,” writes Jane Gross of her own mother, “only in our babble about a world she no longer lived in.”
I could go on and on about this amazing book. I read parts of it with tears streaming down my eyes because I’ve been there, done that – the late night trips to the emergency room, the confrontations with a mother who held me initially responsible for her diminishing independence, the vacation guilt, the being labeled an “hysterical daughter” when I demanded certain care levels, the scramble to find quality care and a caregiver we can trust.
I was luckier than most: my mother did save up for old age and we rather quickly found a senior facility that concentrated on living, not dying, in The Hallmark (Chicago). And I have a wonderful sister who is on the same page. But the fact that I’m interjecting myself into this review is the whole point: this is shared problem that demands shared answers. Bravo to Jane Gross for a well-researched, highly personal, crucially valuable and intelligent book.
August 5, 2011
I heard the author of this book, Jane Gross, on the American Public Radio show "Being" and realized she had gone through what I am going through now. My mother is 90 and living in an assisted living facility. She is in a wheelchair, but reasonably cognizant. Certainly not on death's door, but one has to admit the door is not too far from opening. In the meantime, all the stresses associated with this had been weighing on me. Deciding to buy this book may have been one of the smartest things I've ever done. I have read several books over the years about dealing with elderly parents, but this is the best. It is written in a very personal style, but includes a lot of practical information about handling the transition from independence to nursing home in one's parents.
Jane's mother was a truly independent, unsentimental woman to whom Jane was not particularly close. But in dealing with the last years of Estelle Gross's life, they develop an understanding of each other that made the passing easier for both. Jane discusses how she and her brother, Michael, dealt with each other and their mother - sometimes in conflict, sometimes in unison. She admits she and Michael were so unprepared for dealing with the health care system and she gives much needed advice in navigating these murky waters. I found myself bookmarking many pages for present and future reference. And realizing I had somehow stumbled into a pretty good place for my Mom to live.
I recommend this highly to anyone in the generation now dealing with elderly parents and their health woes.
Jane's mother was a truly independent, unsentimental woman to whom Jane was not particularly close. But in dealing with the last years of Estelle Gross's life, they develop an understanding of each other that made the passing easier for both. Jane discusses how she and her brother, Michael, dealt with each other and their mother - sometimes in conflict, sometimes in unison. She admits she and Michael were so unprepared for dealing with the health care system and she gives much needed advice in navigating these murky waters. I found myself bookmarking many pages for present and future reference. And realizing I had somehow stumbled into a pretty good place for my Mom to live.
I recommend this highly to anyone in the generation now dealing with elderly parents and their health woes.
August 1, 2011
I heard Jane Gross on NPR, and she has a blog on old age ("The New Old Age") on the New York Times web site. This book is about the complexities of caring for aging parents. She explains why "aging in place," everyone's ideal situation, isn't possible for very many; how many of the very old (85 plus) reverse migrate from sunshine retirement places to assisted living homes and nursing homes closer to their children; and she explores the realities of dying at 85 plus (that you can "rot away" as your body wears out).
Using her own mother's story as an examplel, Gross explains the differences between Medicare and Medicaid (I don't quite get it yet, but at least I know where I can come for additional info. when needed), how federal programs like Medicare and Medicaid are administered locally, so that, for example, it may be better to age in Florida than New York in some cases, even though New York's benefits are better, and what the realities of assisted living are (that in some cases, you can't have much assistance as aids aren't allowed, and it might be better to go straight to a nursing home with different levels of care than to stop at assisted living).
The book is a little repetitive, written it seems, for people who might need to speed read a chapter in a crisis situation, rather than someone like me who reads cover-to-cover. The repetition is helpful, however, as the topics covered are so tangled. The advice seems sound, especially if you're upper middle class and can afford help from lawyers and geriatric care managers. (She addresses this in the book and has suggestions if you don't have the cash, too, and these are helpful. She's especially helpful when she talks about spending down to Medicaid where adult children are better off spending their parent's money through a joint checking account for items that Medicare doesn't cover--like motorized wheel chairs, in some cases--rather than spending their own cash.)
The most moving chapter was Gross's description of her mother--who could no longer speak, could barely chew and swallow, was paralyzed from the waist down with unknown sources of pain, and who had refused antibiotics for three different battles with pneumonia--decided (she was perfectly cognitively there) to stop drinking and thus ease her way out. This decision (VSED), voluntarily stopping eating and drinking, causes coma and a "good death" in most cases. Here Gross explains that she should have called hospice in sooner rather than the regular nursing home staff, and she also gives great data about how many people who live to 85 plus will be in these horrible physical situations with very little quality of life & no hope of recovery who linger given improvements in the quality of health care.
There's practical information in here about health care proxies and why you might need two powers of attorney if your parent goes back and forth between two states and other information, but the best part of the book is Gross's description of how she and her mother got closer as the end got nearer. While Gross's mother suffered physically, Gross was grateful that she was able to connect with her mother's mind during their last four years together. I appreciated Gross's honesty about what she perceives as mistakes she made b/c of lack of information. Well worth reading!
Using her own mother's story as an examplel, Gross explains the differences between Medicare and Medicaid (I don't quite get it yet, but at least I know where I can come for additional info. when needed), how federal programs like Medicare and Medicaid are administered locally, so that, for example, it may be better to age in Florida than New York in some cases, even though New York's benefits are better, and what the realities of assisted living are (that in some cases, you can't have much assistance as aids aren't allowed, and it might be better to go straight to a nursing home with different levels of care than to stop at assisted living).
The book is a little repetitive, written it seems, for people who might need to speed read a chapter in a crisis situation, rather than someone like me who reads cover-to-cover. The repetition is helpful, however, as the topics covered are so tangled. The advice seems sound, especially if you're upper middle class and can afford help from lawyers and geriatric care managers. (She addresses this in the book and has suggestions if you don't have the cash, too, and these are helpful. She's especially helpful when she talks about spending down to Medicaid where adult children are better off spending their parent's money through a joint checking account for items that Medicare doesn't cover--like motorized wheel chairs, in some cases--rather than spending their own cash.)
The most moving chapter was Gross's description of her mother--who could no longer speak, could barely chew and swallow, was paralyzed from the waist down with unknown sources of pain, and who had refused antibiotics for three different battles with pneumonia--decided (she was perfectly cognitively there) to stop drinking and thus ease her way out. This decision (VSED), voluntarily stopping eating and drinking, causes coma and a "good death" in most cases. Here Gross explains that she should have called hospice in sooner rather than the regular nursing home staff, and she also gives great data about how many people who live to 85 plus will be in these horrible physical situations with very little quality of life & no hope of recovery who linger given improvements in the quality of health care.
There's practical information in here about health care proxies and why you might need two powers of attorney if your parent goes back and forth between two states and other information, but the best part of the book is Gross's description of how she and her mother got closer as the end got nearer. While Gross's mother suffered physically, Gross was grateful that she was able to connect with her mother's mind during their last four years together. I appreciated Gross's honesty about what she perceives as mistakes she made b/c of lack of information. Well worth reading!
November 16, 2018
This book saved my sanity when my mother became unable to manage her life after a perfect storm of physical, mental, legal, financial, and marital issues in a short period of time. I cannot recommend this book highly enough. Like the author says in this book, you should read it before you need it, but most likely, if you're reading it, you're in the middle of a big, stressful, confusing change in your family. This book is full of details that I was able to immediately use, especially when we began touring assisted living facilities. I'm forever grateful to learn about the Geriatric Care Manager profession.
I think the most surprising thing for me in this experience is how much you have to advocate for good, kind, appropriate, and sound treatment for your loved one. This is not always the default treatment your loved one will receive. The author talks about all the lengths she had to go to to make sure her mom was cared for as she ought to be, which mirrored some of my experiences this year interacting with my mom's medical team.
This book is mainly appropriate if you're in the United States because it talks a lot about Medicare, Medicaid, and our broken US medical system.
I think the most surprising thing for me in this experience is how much you have to advocate for good, kind, appropriate, and sound treatment for your loved one. This is not always the default treatment your loved one will receive. The author talks about all the lengths she had to go to to make sure her mom was cared for as she ought to be, which mirrored some of my experiences this year interacting with my mom's medical team.
This book is mainly appropriate if you're in the United States because it talks a lot about Medicare, Medicaid, and our broken US medical system.
December 14, 2025
A memoir with practical information attached. We live in a world talking about the future but never about the inevitable ending of one's life. While the author's personal story wasn't resonating with me, it gave me a glimpse into the suffering of old age.
April 25, 2023
This isn’t Chicken Soup for the Caregiver’s Soul — I assume there is such a book, but this isn’t it. It’s frank, unflinching, and useful. Some experiences will be easier, some worse than the author and her family experienced, but there’s perspective to be found here in any case.
April 3, 2018
I read about 55% of the ebook version. I got to chapter 10 before I quit. There are plenty of more useful books available on the subject.
The book is mostly a memoir of the author's experiences with placing her mom first in assisted living and then in a nursing home. She describes herself as a caregiver, but she really never had to provide much hands-on care for her mother. She and her brother hired others to do that stuff. The author practically had a nervous breakdown when she had to buy Depends for her mother. I mean really - grow up. I suppose I have to give the author credit for baring her emotions for all to see though.
The most annoying part of the book is that it becomes obvious that the author resents the fact that her mother liked her brother best, even when the author felt she spent more time caring and worrying about her mother than her brother did. The constant complaining just got under my skin. I'm sorry the author had a bad relationship with her mother, but the only reason I was reading this book was for information about my own situation with aging parents. There is some information in this book, but mostly it is filled with the author's subjective feelings and experiences that are of little use to me.
The book is mostly a memoir of the author's experiences with placing her mom first in assisted living and then in a nursing home. She describes herself as a caregiver, but she really never had to provide much hands-on care for her mother. She and her brother hired others to do that stuff. The author practically had a nervous breakdown when she had to buy Depends for her mother. I mean really - grow up. I suppose I have to give the author credit for baring her emotions for all to see though.
The most annoying part of the book is that it becomes obvious that the author resents the fact that her mother liked her brother best, even when the author felt she spent more time caring and worrying about her mother than her brother did. The constant complaining just got under my skin. I'm sorry the author had a bad relationship with her mother, but the only reason I was reading this book was for information about my own situation with aging parents. There is some information in this book, but mostly it is filled with the author's subjective feelings and experiences that are of little use to me.
June 27, 2011
About a third of the way into 'A Bittersweet Season: Caring for Our Aging Parents--and Ourselves,' Jane Gross recalls a conversation with Dr. Rosanne Leipzig, a geriatrician at Mount Sinai Medical Center, that ended with her "crying in regret for all the now-obvious things I could have done differently. . . . Now, in choosing to guide others through this process by revisiting my own family's experience, the old dust was flying and tears came easily and often." Combining the skills of a seasoned reporter with the intimate, heartfelt narrative of a woman coming to grips with her mother's decline, Gross gives vivid expression to an issue that only promises to become more pervasive as an aging Baby Boom generation copes with aging parents. As memoir, the book is a moving account of how she and her brother dealt with the day-to-day care and decisions that needed to be made on behalf of their mother; as a roadmap of sorts for those just looking into the hows and whys of elder care, it's a wellspring of information, eye-opening at that.
November 27, 2024
I listened to this as not a middle-aged child of an elderly parent, but as a 27 year old grandchild of a near 90-year-old grandmother. I don't have the resources Jane and her brother had, but I empathize with her experience.
The section about Medicare was a little overwhelming, but it was interesting and hopefully helpful.
The section about Medicare was a little overwhelming, but it was interesting and hopefully helpful.
December 13, 2014
I decided to read this after spending two weeks with my 86-year-old mother this past December and noticing a shocking increase in her cognitive impairment. I'm afraid I was short with her a number of times and I feel guilty about it. I searched the net on the subject of being more patient and compassionate with elderly loved ones and found The New Old Age Blog on the New York Times website, written by Jane Gross and two other reporters. I shopped for books and this one seemed perfect. I remember hearing the author interviewed on NPR a few months ago and being impressed.
I migrated to California almost thirty years ago, but mom still lives in the Midwest and the attitudes there have not changed in fifty years. The firm belief remains entrenched there that people remain independent until death. The tough, conservative folks do not admit weakness or defeat. People used to drop dead in their tracks while working on the farm and generally didn't live long enough to draw social security. There is only one gerontologist in the city where she lives for the approximately 10,000 people who are age sixty-five or older. The long, sick old age that results from our superior diet and medical care does not seem to be acknowledged. (As an indication of this denial, my mom bought "funeral insurance" -- a prepaid casket and vault -- but she hasn't done a medical directive.)
The book is giving me much needed information and good ideas. It has also eased some of the worries I had due to being completely ignorant about the many issues of aging and caregiving. It's full of anecdotes about the author's own experiences and those of people she has known, interspersed with good-sense advice and resources. She honestly and compassionately describes her experiences with a view to helping others avoid mistakes she made. Ms. Gross is a journalist who has done her research, and I feel I can trust her advice.
Before reading this, I felt overwhelmed by the many, sometimes confusing, sources of information on the diverse topics. But it's all here in one place: what kinds of facilities and types of assistance there are, what it might cost if you have money and what government aid is available if you don't, how to get the most out of an inadequate safety net -- the one your parents worked for and contributed to their whole lives -- offensively referred to as "entitlements" by members of a certain political party which shall remain nameless. Legal and financial issues, how to discuss end-of-life plans, and much more are presented with warmth, humor, and compassion. She is diplomatic but direct with regard to things we don't want to face but must in the end. She helps us to see things from the points of view of the parent and the health care professionals. She urges us to seek help when we need it and gives a wealth of information on where to get it. Her personal story makes it so real. I saw a lot of myself in her, and a lot of my mother in hers.
I feel more prepared now so I can make informed decisions when I need to. I think the book and the blog will be of inestimable value to me as things progress.
I migrated to California almost thirty years ago, but mom still lives in the Midwest and the attitudes there have not changed in fifty years. The firm belief remains entrenched there that people remain independent until death. The tough, conservative folks do not admit weakness or defeat. People used to drop dead in their tracks while working on the farm and generally didn't live long enough to draw social security. There is only one gerontologist in the city where she lives for the approximately 10,000 people who are age sixty-five or older. The long, sick old age that results from our superior diet and medical care does not seem to be acknowledged. (As an indication of this denial, my mom bought "funeral insurance" -- a prepaid casket and vault -- but she hasn't done a medical directive.)
The book is giving me much needed information and good ideas. It has also eased some of the worries I had due to being completely ignorant about the many issues of aging and caregiving. It's full of anecdotes about the author's own experiences and those of people she has known, interspersed with good-sense advice and resources. She honestly and compassionately describes her experiences with a view to helping others avoid mistakes she made. Ms. Gross is a journalist who has done her research, and I feel I can trust her advice.
Before reading this, I felt overwhelmed by the many, sometimes confusing, sources of information on the diverse topics. But it's all here in one place: what kinds of facilities and types of assistance there are, what it might cost if you have money and what government aid is available if you don't, how to get the most out of an inadequate safety net -- the one your parents worked for and contributed to their whole lives -- offensively referred to as "entitlements" by members of a certain political party which shall remain nameless. Legal and financial issues, how to discuss end-of-life plans, and much more are presented with warmth, humor, and compassion. She is diplomatic but direct with regard to things we don't want to face but must in the end. She helps us to see things from the points of view of the parent and the health care professionals. She urges us to seek help when we need it and gives a wealth of information on where to get it. Her personal story makes it so real. I saw a lot of myself in her, and a lot of my mother in hers.
I feel more prepared now so I can make informed decisions when I need to. I think the book and the blog will be of inestimable value to me as things progress.
June 21, 2015
This is a pretty fantastic book, because somehow the author has managed to take this frankly depressing subject and provide both an incredible resource and a touching memoir that is as surprisingly readable as it is helpful. Each chapter details stages from a period in Gross' life in which she and her brother cared for their aging mother, starting from when they moved her from an independent living, older community in Florida to ultimately a nursing home in NY. Within each chapter Gross discusses issues of elder care and provides insight into her own families' mistakes, national and state policies, financial and health issues, and family dynamics. I found this approach to the topic to be extremely helpful. Yes, it's still scary--the problems with eldercare in this country are mind boggling--but Gross makes this topic both personal and applicable to others in a way that doesn't overwhelm the reader. I actually looked forward to progressing through the book, which I didn't expect. And that's completely due to Gross' amazing writing skills.
March 17, 2016
Disappointing. Rambling and repetitive. Seemed like the author was using the book as a vehicle to resolve her actions caring for her mother. The information was minimally relevant and I am not sure if that was due to my experiences, living in the Midwest vs New York, or the copyright - 2011. I think some things have changed in the long term care environment. I got much more from the book "On Being Mortal" that is helping me care for my aging and ill mother.
April 18, 2022
This was an educational and timely read. I learned so much about Medicaid, preparing for the financial and logistical challenges of old age, and found many parallels to my own experiences as my father and mother’s caregiver in Jane’s anecdotes about her mom. A great read for anyone who is a caregiver as well as anyone who is aging. (Plot twist—all of us are aging—read this before you think you’ll need to).
This book opened my eyes to the realities of my own aging and helped me begin to consider some of the changes I will need to make now to improve circumstances for my family as I approach my later years.
This book opened my eyes to the realities of my own aging and helped me begin to consider some of the changes I will need to make now to improve circumstances for my family as I approach my later years.
February 3, 2021
A necessary if not pleasant read for my family's current situation. The author does an excellent job of balancing critical research with her own mother's story, so the book never drags. This is an excellent resource, best read before you need it in the midst of a crisis. Much of the information is helpful for my sister and me as we are navigating these waters together. Gross wants to help the reader avoid many of the mistakes she and her brother made with their mother's care, but she also offers a good measure of grace for the mistakes that we will inevitably make in caring for our loved one.
January 7, 2026
This book had a lot of good insight about the caregiving journey . I wish I had read it 10 years ago. What’s weird is I looked up the author to see if she still writes for the New York Times. Sadly she has also passed away in the same nursing home as her mother ( whose journey the book is about) . She had a traumatic brain injury and died 13 years younger than her own mother. Just a reminder to treasure every day.
July 27, 2019
Part memoir and part guidebook, this book was at times too much for me. It's a lot of information to handle, and certain sections will require a re-read. Overall, it's a thorough introduction to this time in the lives of older parents and adult children. I enjoyed the parts about the author's relationship with her mother and brother the most. Our loved ones and our dignity (hopefully) are what we have left, in the end.
September 29, 2022
This is a hard book to read, not because of the text, but because of its many messages of aging and end-of-life events. It is an excellent story of what we must learn and do, to be our parents advocates and care givers as they age. Her family circumstances are very unique in timing (Sept 11, 2001) yet, not so much in the aspect of end of life events. A very insightful and well written story.
November 28, 2022
She covers a lot in a very readable, relatable way. Much of it I recognize from my own experiences. I want to hand a copy to any 50-something friend about to embark on an unasked-for career as caregiver to an aged parent.
November 18, 2018
Gross takes her experience of caring for her aging mother and shares it as both a personal memoir and a resource for navigating the system.
August 25, 2022
This book is full of many helpful hints and anecdotes for children of aging and dying parents. I’m sure her blog and website are terrific resources. This book is a memoir of the final years of her mother’s life. While it is interesting, the advice is so interspersed throughout the personal stories you would almost need to take notes to glean the useful tidbits. An article of her advice would have been as interesting.
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February 14, 2018I find this book not very relevant for people who don't live in the United States.
March 1, 2021
This was a hard one to read as it’s so much of what my sister and I are dealing with for our mom. Jane had good information to look into early on in the aging/caring for elderly parents.
May 29, 2018
Read it before you need to. That is to say before your parents are 70 years old. Recognize this book for what it is: advice from a friend, a way to process experiences from that friend, and a great place to begin thinking about, and more importantly, planning for, the inevitable. While some data and laws my be out dated, the absurdity and red tape described, are not. Not an uplifting read, but an inspiring one.
December 12, 2023
This was a hard book to read, but it's saved my life this season as I've gone full throttle in my parents' daily care. It's a very practical, step-by-step, everything you need to know book about taking care of your parents, and it's also a precise and devastating memoir. The author is clear-eyed about her mistakes and her confusing feelings while taking care of her mother, and I felt so invested that I looked up the author to invite her on my work podcast (but she died a few years ago).
The biggest drawback, which the author acknowledges and analyzes over and over, is classism. Gross and her mother have a lot of money and resources to get the best of the best. Their lifestyles are lush and lucky and this is not most people's experiences. But it didn't detract for me; in fact, it showed how hard it STILL was for Gross, even with money. It's hard. It sucks. It's rewarding. It's agonizing.
Worth reading before your parents get old, but I'm glad I read it now.
The biggest drawback, which the author acknowledges and analyzes over and over, is classism. Gross and her mother have a lot of money and resources to get the best of the best. Their lifestyles are lush and lucky and this is not most people's experiences. But it didn't detract for me; in fact, it showed how hard it STILL was for Gross, even with money. It's hard. It sucks. It's rewarding. It's agonizing.
Worth reading before your parents get old, but I'm glad I read it now.
June 27, 2012
Jane Gross writes three books bound in one: 1) She's processing her mother's journey from independent living through assisted living to skilled nursing and finally to death's door. Gross wonders if she made correct decisions and if she responded appropriately. The book give incredible detail about her feelings as well as the pragmatics of her mothers situation. 2) She's writing a guidebook for other adult children, hoping to help them avoid pitfalls that she and her brother Michael fell into in caring for their mother. 3) She brings her skills as a journalist by interviewing professionals and other families struggling with the same challenges. By doing so, she brings a lot of information to the conversation about caretaking as a way to complement the raw emotion this situation can evoke.
A well-researched, thoughtful, heartfelt book. Gross hopes that people will read this BEFORE a parent starts experiencing age-related changes that require support. I agree. But even if you are in the throes of caregiving, pick up this book and let Jane Gross hold your hand and walk you through the challenges you face.
I offer one small caution. The author and her family have more financial resources and connections than the average American, so their experience is a little priviledged. Gross acknowledges that in the front matter of the book. Nevertheless, they must deal with the harsh realities of aging and with government programs that treat everyone like a number, so even if you can't hire private duty nurses and purchase other extras (well, really they were necessities) as they did, the book still has incredible value for caregivers.
A well-researched, thoughtful, heartfelt book. Gross hopes that people will read this BEFORE a parent starts experiencing age-related changes that require support. I agree. But even if you are in the throes of caregiving, pick up this book and let Jane Gross hold your hand and walk you through the challenges you face.
I offer one small caution. The author and her family have more financial resources and connections than the average American, so their experience is a little priviledged. Gross acknowledges that in the front matter of the book. Nevertheless, they must deal with the harsh realities of aging and with government programs that treat everyone like a number, so even if you can't hire private duty nurses and purchase other extras (well, really they were necessities) as they did, the book still has incredible value for caregivers.
January 6, 2013
This book is a must for anyone with an aging parent or spouse. Jane Gross speaks from her own experience of moving her mother to NYC, looking for a retirement home that is "nice" and also affordable. Her mother had some physical problems that made living alone in the SouthEast no longer feasible.
She writes that "assisted living' is a joke! Every "assist," like helping to get dressed, to bathe, changing linen, light housekeeping...all cost extra.
Gross became so stressed from her fulltime job at the New York Times and looking after her mother's needs that she became ill. She was told to take a two-week vacation somewhere without a phone (including cellphone) so she could actually rest and relax. Initially she found this difficult.
"Bitterweet Season" is crammed full of information gleaned by Ms Gross. Reading it, studying it, gives caregivers and potential caregivers a veritable Course on what needs to be done and how to go about it.
Here's an interesting tidbit: Nearly 90% of the elderly in the U. S. live (and die) at home--theirs or a close relative's. But this may change as the Boomers reach their 70s and 80s. More retirement, assisted living and nursing homes are being built. A word of caution: let the buyer beware.
She writes that "assisted living' is a joke! Every "assist," like helping to get dressed, to bathe, changing linen, light housekeeping...all cost extra.
Gross became so stressed from her fulltime job at the New York Times and looking after her mother's needs that she became ill. She was told to take a two-week vacation somewhere without a phone (including cellphone) so she could actually rest and relax. Initially she found this difficult.
"Bitterweet Season" is crammed full of information gleaned by Ms Gross. Reading it, studying it, gives caregivers and potential caregivers a veritable Course on what needs to be done and how to go about it.
Here's an interesting tidbit: Nearly 90% of the elderly in the U. S. live (and die) at home--theirs or a close relative's. But this may change as the Boomers reach their 70s and 80s. More retirement, assisted living and nursing homes are being built. A word of caution: let the buyer beware.
September 4, 2015
This powerful depiction of one family's experience with aging resonated deeply with me. As a millenial who is still (hopefully) a decade or two away from starting to deal with these issues, it was hard to face the realities many experience but also good. This book, in conjunction with (yes) Atul Gawande's Being Mortal is at the very top of my recommendation list.
As a journalist by trade, Gross knows how to research, tell a story, and neither over-dramatize nor under-tell. She brings life to an experience that is new and unfamiliar to many, but that most will walk through to some degree.
Granted, I haven't been there yet, but I believe it is so important for parents and children to consider the questions, dilemmas, and difficulties of aging before we're called at midnight with an emergency. This book is a huge step in starting those conversations and exploring some "what ifs" that are terrifying, but so much less so when they don't come unexpected.
As a journalist by trade, Gross knows how to research, tell a story, and neither over-dramatize nor under-tell. She brings life to an experience that is new and unfamiliar to many, but that most will walk through to some degree.
Granted, I haven't been there yet, but I believe it is so important for parents and children to consider the questions, dilemmas, and difficulties of aging before we're called at midnight with an emergency. This book is a huge step in starting those conversations and exploring some "what ifs" that are terrifying, but so much less so when they don't come unexpected.
September 21, 2015
A very good resource for a particular subset of readers. Although some of Jane Gross' excellent research can be applied across the board, her family had financial resources not available to the average consumer, so her experience was far from average. Still, this book is an excellent education in walking the final walk with one's parent(s), from the point at which s/he is no longer independent until s/he dies. I wish that I had read it several years earlier, as my mother no longer has the mental capacity to have some of the conversations Gross mentions that would have been beneficial. I also wonder how the mindset of the elderly will change, once "the elderly" is no longer made up of survivors of The Great Depression. This book is a great basic education in Medicare and Medicaid, which is NOT just poor people's insurance, so if you have aging parents, regardless of their ages, I'd recommend reading it.
August 18, 2012
Anyone caring for elderly parents or who will get old themselves (who could that be?)will probably benefit from reading this book. Perhaps denial is human nature but it seems there is a lot of wishful thinking or willful ignorance about what happens in our modern American society around aging and death. One example the author cites ilustrates the problem. A physician expert on geriatrics was addressing a Hastings Center gathering and began by asking, "Who here expects to die?" There were a few nervous giggles, a few hands went up and gradually everyone raised their hand, acknowledging the inevitable. "Who would choose to die from cancer?" A very few hands went up. "Who would choose to die from heart failure or emphysema?" Again a few hands went up. "So," she concluded, "The rest of us are hoping to die from frailty and dementia." This book is a needed addition to books for general readers about this subject which will affect all of us except those who die young.
January 23, 2012
This is a truly excellent book for anyone who has an elderly parent. Think of the book as a personal guide for helping your parent (and yourself), for finding and dealing with an appropriate home for your aging parent, and interacting with your siblings. The book details the author's personal dealings with a wide range of issues, including interacting with doctors, aides, staff members, nurses, and other support people, and learning about all the financial aspects. You can learn from the author's mistakes, as well as from her philosophy and approach.
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