The Definition of Beautiful: A Memoir

by Charlotte Bellows

A stunning memoir of coming of age and recovering from anorexia in the 2020s

Charlotte Bellows wrote The Definition of Beautiful between the ages of fifteen and seventeen, in the wake of lockdown and in recovery from anorexia. In the tradition of Sylvia Plath in The Bell Jar and Françoise Sagan in Bonjour Tristesse, Bellows writes with deceptively straightforward urgency, pushing through society's constraints on the bodies and minds of girls and women to offer a story both achingly familiar and devastatingly new.

In 2020, fourteen-year-old Charlotte's lifelong drive to achieve 'perfection' distorts into an all-encompassing obsession. Living between the suffocating world of lockdown and an uncanny dreamscape inhabited by competing avatars, Charlotte faces a parade of masked faces in hospital rooms, the aftermath of first love, the erosion of lifelong friendship, and the agony of seeing her illness devastate her family as it threatens to destroy her; as the world reopens, she finds new connections and mentors, new joy, new ways of thinking, new ways to be.

Charlotte Bellows offers a potent fusion of insight and innocence—a story for those who suffer or have suffered from eating disorders, but, more, a vital coming of age story of a young gay and artistic woman, tugged and throttled by a myriad of pressures, not least from the dark gravity that is the underside of her own creative drive.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Mental Health

208 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 2023

Reviews

[Meghan (TheBookGoblin) · Rating 4 out of 5]

The fact that this was written by a teenager is pretty remarkable. I mean, its very obvious that its written by a teenager in terms of writing level, but there are a lot of great insights into mental health and the meaning of existence that even a well-read adult can appreciate.
This was also written during her high school years over Covid, and while Covid itself isnt mentioned often, I think that makes it distinctly Gen Z.
There are a lot of eating disorder memoirs out there, but most are written from an adult's perspective post-recovery. Reading from the point of view of a teenager in the midst of their disorder added a lot of authenticity and I think will make it an important read for any young people suffering from an ED.
While The Definition of Beautiful is also written from a point of recovery, unfortunately Bellows is too young for that to be the end of the disorder. We can hope it is, but as someone who's been in and out of 'recovery' for more than 15 years (and all the people I've ever met with an ED have been in and out since their teens) it very rarely is a 'one and done' illness.
I think this was a great accomplishment for someone so young, and I hope Bellows continues her writing because she has a great natural talent.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the most beautiful memoirs from a strong young author. Charlotte wrote her memoir about overcoming her eating disorder. She began writing this when she was 15 and later finished when she was 17.

Her story of overcoming her inner demons, her eating disorder, societal pressure and finding her inner beauty is extraordinary. She talks about “The Deep” and her captor, Ed in a meteorological way that any reader can understand the inner workings of her demons.

This book, I personally believe, will help so many girls and women struggling with their inner demons. Showing body positive and self love is achievable.

Thank you Netgalley and Freehand books for sharing the opportunity to read this beautiful memoir. An especially big thank you to Charlotte Bellows for sharing her journey.

[Ayca H · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so so so beautiful - I had to stop and re-read some sentences or a paragraphs over and over again to let Charlotte’s words really sink in. Her writing style was immaculate and I thought the use of the character “Ed” to describe her journey with Anorexia was brilliant. The reveal of the “Mysterious Girl”’s true identity was also incredible and fitting as her journey progressed. Though this was a memoir (and life’s realistic nature doesn’t tend to result in “perfect” endings), I still thought the ending was so profound. Definitely one of my faves.

Thank you for the story Char - your bravery and wisdom you earned through your suffering is bound to help other young women. I take this with me: “Bravery is not in the act of winning, I learn, but rather in the act of fighting.” - C.B

Thank you for your story ❤️

[Colby Clair Stolson · Rating 5 out of 5]

A memoir of astonishing depth that reads like the most captivating of novels. Charlotte holds our hand through her pain, her recovery, her beauty the way a lifelong friend might lead you to a secret grove in the trees.

The Definition of Beautiful will help women of all ages combat society's destructive beauty standards and accept themselves above and beyond the imposition of these standards.

I'm stunned at the end of this book and hold a profound depth of gratitude to Charlotte for telling her story.

[Kelly Pramberger · Rating 5 out of 5]

This could be the first memoir about eating disorders that take place in the 2020s that I have read. It was a well written book and Bellows is brave for sharing her story. Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC.

[Nicola · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing

An incredibly well written, touching book! I couldn't put it down, I loved it so much!!

[misa · Rating 5 out of 5]

"You're beautiful, Charlotte." Out of the countless beautiful lines written in this book, this quote is by far my favorite.

I don't think I've ever read a memoir so touching in my life. The stark contrast between her attitude towards food and body image at the beginning and her ideals during recovery was so relatable and genuine.

The struggle of COVID and being isolated for so long poisoned people with the idea of re-emerging differently, particularly with weight. "I was alone in my head, until one day I realized I wasn't." Eating disorders don't usually happen overnight. They worsen over time and get out of hand. Hospitals refuse to acknowledge someone needs help because they aren't 'skinny enough' to be admitted yet, despite visually decaying. "People see dying and mistake it for beauty."

"Why is beauty so painful?"
"How do you save girls from daily living?"
The constant poison present every day on social media creates such an unrealistic standard of beauty for young girls that digits on a scale and food packages determine their entire youth. "Society's current definition of beauty isn't even human." The demanding idea of altering your body to receive praise and be adored sets so much pressure on girls that they deprive their bodies and themselves of joy.

Charlotte's forgiveness and acceptance at the end were admiring, especially with her parents. Throughout the entire book, I was rooting for her and knew she'd have to want to get better for herself. "There's a future out there that I'll be alive for."

The title speaks for itself. 'You're beautiful, Charlotte." After starving herself and battling death for the false idea of beauty, Charlotte gets told she's beautiful as she recovers and gives her body the love it needs. Beauty is everything and everywhere. Giving it a single definition would remove its meaning entirely. I hope Charlotte honestly is living her most beautiful life and persists in writing. Her words are beyond beautiful and will only bloom as she continues.

[Esme · Rating 5 out of 5]

Please read the trigger warning to this book as it has plenty, but wow, what a work. I love how--perhaps because the author is still so young--there's genuineness to the way it's written & the way it tells stories. To get into her head and all of the things passing through, how she illustrates it through the companion of Ed & The Mysterious Girl, the dreamscapes of it, yet there was hope and warmth and rawness of adolescence's peak and harsh high school days...? This is among my best read for the year. I am of healthy & well condition but I am on the thin side & it's eye opening to know that everyone felt cold when they're.. thin. And some of the.. how it gets painful & frail it's feeling sometimes to have to sit for a long time. Her relationship with food. The way she saw Dr. Blunt & wanting to get better, even if she hated it at first, at least to dodge that; but then that becomes the beginning of her getting better? I love it. Thank you for sharing your voice, Charlotte.

Thank you to publisher & Net Galley for allowing me the eARC copy in exchange for this honest review.

[Ruth · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an extraordinary first work by a promising young new author. She alternates between her real-life descent into life-threatenng anorexia and the struggle with parents and health professionals with noctural visits in a land called The Deep, where a boy named Ed (Eating Disorder) vows to protect her. He eventually becomes her captor. This is an excellent metaphor of the power of anorexia and bulimia to possess a person, and her writing does so magnificently. Her struggle to release herself from his grip and seek a healthy life is a result of a harrowing experience with him, but such is the impetus to healing from a chronic eating disorder. I look forward to more from this young writer.

[Maria · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really touching book that would make for a wonderful resource for teens, and for librarians/teachers. Definitely a powerful story.

[Jeanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

The compelling story of an eating disorder told first hand by a young woman who wrote this book while still in high school.

[Holly Annaleisha · Rating 4 out of 5]

This novel tugged at my heart strings. A heartbreaking coming-of-age story of a 14-year-old girl recovering from anorexia. This book made me cry ugly tears; the strain that children, especially teenagers, are put under by the idea of chasing 'perfection,' especially from the media and society, is horrendous.

As children, we are conditioned to believe that what we see in the media is the standard, and as teenagers, this influences our attitudes towards one another in school, dating, friendships, and relationships; which includes our own relationship with our own bodies.

Charlotte's anorexia, the destruction of lifelong friendships, and the agony of seeing her illness devastate her family as it threatens to destroy her are all front and centre in this gut-wrenching memoir; as the world reopens, she finds new connections and mentors as she tries to overcome and understand her illness.

As I type this, I'm choking up with tears again; as a woman in my twenties, this story hit so close to home for teenage me, reflecting how badly society as a whole has failed us and will fail our children if we attempt to turn it around before it's too late.

⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

[vaneeza · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly written, atmospheric in a way that only intensified the emotions and message of this memoir. The pace, imagery and themes were done phenomenally. The experiences in this memoir crafted a devastatingly realistic image which makes the messages of society’s unacceptable body standards for women very clear. Charlotte’s experiences with an eating disorder are very well captured in this memoir, making it an astounding read.

[Alyssa Marie Ruppel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH THIS BOOK!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Robin Goodfellow · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received this book for free. This does not impact my review in any shape or form.

The Definition of Beauty, by Charlotte Bellows, is a dark memoir about the struggles of fighting an eating disorder. Bellows illustrates how tempting it is to listen to an addiction whispering in your mind, rather than your loved ones, even though they’re the ones that planted the addiction in your mind. Bellows details her painful journey, from seemingly harmless conversations with her mother and father, to her painful friendships between herself, Anne, and Jade, and even the subtler hits, that caused Bellows’s disorder to develop as horrifically as it did. Despite this, Bellows also goes into detail tiny sparks of light that helped her find her way, and how she was able to piece together what others could not.

Eating disorders can be very seductive. Thoughts and emotions pin you into a corner psychologically, emotionally, and finally physically. I like how Bellows compares her disorder with an abusive partner. It’s all summed up in this sentiment, where she says that he’s all she had, despite him being the enemy. I loved how there were times Bellows’s point-of-view was intertwined with ED’s, and I felt all the frustration I felt as a reader for Bellows seemingly putting herself in that situation, even though ED also played a role in torturing her. Moreover, I liked how, towards the end of the book, we actually see what ED has become, just as Bellows starts to recover.

The book reminds me of yet another book called Reviving Ophelia: Reviving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. It discusses how family, school, and other environments that we may think are safe for adolescent girls are actually the most dangerous for their self-esteem. Bellows perfectly illustrates how, when it comes to eating disorders or any other addiction, there doesn’t have to be this all encompassing traumatic event where our loved ones are all either gone or we’ve alienated ourselves from them. We’re like contortionists in that manner; the world tells us what to do, and we try to twist our ways that are unnatural, if only to gain the approval of everyone else. Who cares if we’re dancing skeletons at the end of it? Anything, just to give everyone else what they want.

I absolutely enjoyed this book. I appreciated the candor Bellows was able to bring, as well as the almost hypnotizing tone she delivers to her audience. As such, I would like to give this book a 5 out of 5 stars, and would recommend it with other books such as the aforementioned Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher and Untangled by Lisa Damour.

[Olivia · Rating 5 out of 5]

i'm amazed by this book. charlotte writes so beautifully and is able to articulate her emotions on paper so well, and so eloquently. it is absolutely astounding to me that she achieved this feat of writing and publishing a book at her age, all while fighting her demons (and winning).

I feel that, contrary to many of the reviews i've seen, this book shines not in the deep, but in the way that charlotte writes about how she uses what she learnt in the deep, in the real world. I believe that is the true highlight to this novel.

also, i wanted to point out how charlotte doesn't tip toe. charlotte doesn't speak vaguely in order to protect the fragile egos of the world. she brings forth her anger and she assigns blame. she gets right down to the nitty gritty of our society and speaks openly about how each and every teenage girl is subject to so much torment just for existing.

I feel as though at this point my words cannot accurately represent the power of this novel. words cannot surmount to just how amazing it is that charlotte tells the story of the battle she faced and conquered. despite everything that was against her. I believe this is a must read for anyone who was once, or currently is, a teenage girl.

thank you charlotte.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Charlotte Bellows’ memoir tracks the worst of her struggle with anorexia and her ensuing recovery. Written by a teenager, this is an important book for young women and men because while it is her personal account of overcoming her eating disorder, the book also makes it very clear that the root cause is the systemic push for thinness in our society. Bellow dissects advertising and social causes in her narrative (and though a little heavy-handed at times) the messaging is clear when she uses the characters of her father and classmates to show society’s view of how women should look, and the comments of young women to show how pervasive calorie counting and diet culture is.
The book is delivered in clear prose as part anecdote and part dream sequence. There is some beautiful description in parts (sometimes of beauty, sometimes of trauma) and I think it would appeal to teen readers a lot! I found “the Deep” sections, when Bellows is metaphorically battling her eating disorder, far less engaging than when Bellows is battling the triggers and stressors of the real world - but it makes sense as a structural choice! A solid debut!

[Adrianna Heaney-velu · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Some people would burn a house to live in chaos.”

In “The Definition of Beautiful,” by Charlotte Bellows bravely shares her journey through the depths of an eating disorder that unfolds during the challenging period of the Covid lockdown. From the initial stages of seemingly harmless diets to the life-threatening clutches of the disorder, Charlotte lays bare the destructive obsession with her weight that jeopardized not only her physical well-being but also her relationship with family and friends.

I cannot express how amazing this book was. I’ve read a lot of eating disorder books in the past and this one was by far the best written and most impactful. Charlotte writes in a way so I could clearly see and feel everyone’s sides; Charlotte wants to attain an unattainable size and her family’s terror and inability to fix her if she didn’t want to be fixed. The book drew me in immediately and I couldn’t put it down and I cannot tell you how much I cried when reading it. Absolutely perfect 5 out of 5 stars.

-Mental Illness
-Eating Disorder
-Hospitals
-Toxic Friend
-Weight Hate Talk
-F/F

[Neva · Rating 3 out of 5]

Review in exchange for a NetGalley ARC

This story is a mixture of the author's eating disorder memoir and magical realism dream sequences. Reviewing her experience is not fair of a memoir, but I found her story realistic with a easy to follow plot. The characters were a little difficult to differentiate from at points, and could have used more fleshing out in relation to the narrator. The author handles the triggering nature of the subject matter with care, not including numbers or graphic details.
The formatting feels inspired by Ellen Hopkins books, keeping the book easy to follow and read through. I did not care for the sections in which she is dreaming. They strayed from the plot of realism and didn't feel needed to convey the narrator's internal struggles. The instances in these chapters made character realizations feel too on the nose for the reader; 'the mysterious girl' being the most obvious.
And perhaps this memoir isn't meant for me. As someone who used to be an edgy teen, reading books like Wintergirls and Girl, Interrupted, this book felt much lighter. Younger readers, middle school and early high school, could likely find more value in this story.

[Rue Sarsfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written with the prose of an author well beyond her years Bellows captures and retells the darkest moments of her year long fall and eventual recovery from an eating disorder.

I loved this book and it was so well written that serval times I was in awe that bellows is barely more than a child. She has lived such depth and tragedy but found such strength and beauty in it and found the strength to share it in this book. While I loved this book I did feel like the dream state chapters where she is in “the deep” to be distracting and slow. However, I can appreciate them for the purpose they have in her story.

I really would love to read more from Bellows if she ever publishes more. Wonderful author!!!

[Jillian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow, what an incredible memoir from such a brave young person. Charlotte's writing was beautiful, her pain and struggle so raw. Her relationship with her parents and friends felt real with its flaws and yet she never tried to blame one person or thing - she identified a number of things that lead to her illness. Anorexia and body dysmorphia are such huge issues today thanks in large part to social media but also just to the stereotype of what is beautiful in females - a standard that is not applied to males. I felt like I gained insight into the brain of a young person. So powerful. I was cheering for Charlotte and I hope she comtinues on this journey of recovery and discovery of the definition of beautiful.

[June · Rating 5 out of 5]

Charlotte's writing quickly pulls the reader into a wild ride of her battle with life and death. Primarily, the book delivers  compelling insight into Charlotte's thoughts as a teenager struggling with anorexia; concurrently, she is defining her sexuality during this book's time frame.
I was impressed with the intelligence and resilience shown by a youth, to address such a difficult health issue. The support of her family and friends was critical to her success.
Charlotte is now a bold, young adult who has much to offer others with her experience and wisdom.Charlotte Bellows

[Diane D'Entremont · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully written book about a devastating disorder, that didn’t feel depressing, but rather riveting, suspenseful and poetic. This book would appeal to anyone who is interested in reading about high school experiences and especially the pressures on youth to be thin. I felt like I really understood what living with an eating disorder was like. But more than anything, I loved Charlotte’s voice / writing style and would rank this as one of the best books I’ve ever read.

[Jennie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A candid look into a Canadian teenager's journey through her eating disorder during the pandemic.

As a former healthcare worker I saw the services dry up during covid, but never considered how it would affect those with eating disorders.

Inciteful, sad, strong and beautiful, highly recommended.

If you or someone you know is experiencing an eating disorder, please reach out to someone you trust and get help. You matter.

[Liralen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bellows was in Grade 9 when the pandemic shut the world down. With time to spare, she set about trying to lose some weight—and, in the privacy of a world removed from everyone else, but with seemingly half the Internet determined to lose lockdown weight, a diet spiralled into an eating disorder.

I'm intrigued by this as something of a pandemic memoir. It's not at all the focus, but I've read enough articles talking about the impact of the pandemic on mental health, and on eating disorders more specifically, that this feels like the beginning of what might be a wave of memoirs about that. At one point Bellows' therapist observes that "The timing really is awful ... You have an eating disorder during a global pandemic. Normally, as part of the healing process, you would reconnect with teenage life. But now, with all these restrictions, you're stuck in a tricky situation" (loc. 792*). Isolation exacerbated by isolation, I suppose.

Bellows wrote The Definition of Beautiful while coming out of that eating disorder—and out of the more restrictive pandemic regulations—and while still a teenager. It's not entirely unique for that latter point, but this particular book is a truly impressive feat for a teenager. Writing a good story or essay is one thing, but managing a full-length book is another thing for anyone, let alone a teenager, and Bellows does an excellent job with pacing in particular, and with to-the-point but fully realized scenes. There are some places where I think age might help (more on that in a moment), but on the whole this puts a lot of adult-written memoirs to shame. (One of my primary thoughts while reading was This is clearly someone who reads a lot, which is always a good feeling.)

Two things that didn't work as well for me: First, a fair amount of the book takes place in Bellows' dreams, in a place she calls the Deep, which I'm not particularly keen on. I'm not actually sure if it's all actual (lucid?) dreams she had or more of a literary device to illustrate where one's mind tends to live during an eating disorder, but whether fiction of nonfiction dreams have always felt too intangible to hold my focus when reading. (Personal preference and your mileage may vary.) And second, at times—especially early on in the book—word choices and phrasing tilted a bit far towards angst. The book makes up for it in taking a clear-eyed (and almost numbers-free) look at the experience of illness and recovery, but that's really the one thing where I think time and distance would be a benefit.

Here's hoping that Bellows keeps writing. It'll be interesting to see where she goes with it, either fiction or nonfiction.

Thanks to the author and publisher for providing a review copy through NetGalley.

*I read an ARC, and quotes may not be final.

[ava · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is absolutely amazing! I would highly recommend to everybody who is looking for a thoughtful, insightful piece. I couldn't take my eyes off the page, and I enjoyed every moment. Buy your copies as soon as possible!

[Laila · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an absolutely beautiful and eye opening memoir. Thank you @netgallery for the opportunity to read this beautiful book

[Dora · Rating 5 out of 5]

Charlotte, this was absolutely amazing. Oh my god.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review coming soon!

Thanks to the publisher for my gifted copy.

For more of my book content check out instagram.com/bookalong

[Tracy Hollen · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars