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Opting In: Having a Child Without Losing Yourself
For contemporary women, motherhood has become as polarizing a proposition as it is a powerful calling. For some women this tension is manifest in a debate over whether or not to have children. For others it concerns whether to stay at home with their children or stay in the workforce. Still others feel abandoned altogether by the supposedly pro-family and pro-mother social justice movement that is feminism and are at a loss when it comes to reconciling their maternal instincts with their political beliefs. With Opting In , Amy Richards addresses the anxiety over parenting that women face today in a book that mixes memoir, interviews, historical analysis, and feminist insight. In her refreshingly direct and thoughtful approach, Richards covers everything from the truth about our biological clocks and the trends toward extending fertility, to parenting with nature and nurturing in mind, to our relationship with our own mothers, to what feminism’s relationship to motherhood is and always has been. Speaking from the vantage point of someone who is both a parent and one of our leading feminist activists, Richards cuts through the cacophony of voices intent on telling women the “appropriate” way to be a mother and reveals instead how to confidently forge your own path while staying true to yourself and your ideals.
316 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2008
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews
April 23, 2012
well, this book could not possibly have been more disappointing. the subtitle is "having a child without losing yourself," & based on that & the back cover blurb, i guess i was expecting a book about balancing motherhood with one's feminist principles, & trying to create a society that values the contributions of mothers as people as well. amy richards is one of the co-authors of manifesta, a popular third-wave feminist book that i found aggravatingly simplistic, elementary, & watered down. i had hoped that she would get a little more specific in writing about motherhood. i had hoped that she might have learned from some of the critiques of manifesta & succeed in writing a book that speaks to more than just the experiences of her specific cohort: white heterosexually partnered women in their early 30s living in new york city & enjoying the relative financial privileges of making a living in a creative industry. alas, if this does not describe you, you are unlikely to get much out of opting in.
the book was written in response to a piece in the "new york times magazine," called "the opt-out revolution. it was a very widely-debated piece about the phenomenon of a certain type of mother (well-educated, reasonably class-privileged) choosing to eschew career for a life of stay-at-home motherhood. when i say it was "widely-debated," i mean that a lot of people threw around a lot of opinions about it without having actually read the article. i read it. i thought it was very well-written & interesting, & far from being the first cannon fire in the new round of early oughts mommy wars or a screed about women shortchanging their kids by going back to work, or wasting their promise wiping noses all day, it seemed to examine the flawed underpinnings of the mommy wars & conclude that success & satisfaction can be defined by the individual.
add richards to the pile of folks who did not seem to actually read the article. she seems to have skimmed it with a lot of pre-conceived notions about its content & then taken umbrage with the conclusions she assumes the author was making. so, from the start, the book is based on a faulty premise. adding to the shaky foundation is richards' conception of herself as a voice for the modern-day feminist--& she is a classic third-wave "i choose my choice/everything i do is a woman's movement" feminist. she had a baby, so suddenly being a mom is an area of feminist inquiry. i do think that being a mom can be an area of feminist inquiry--it just bothers me when people don't realize that until they themselves are moms. especially when they have made a career out of watering feminism down to become basically just an amusing phase for single freewheeling college girls.
even if the book had been less about how to "be a mother without losing yourself" & more a memoir about richards' own experience balancing motherhood & feminist activism (such as her work is activism--does it still count as activism when it's basically your career?), it would have been better than what we actually got. the book is really just an incredibly boring, tedious rehash of the research on achieving work-life balance. allow me to say that the phrase "work-life balance" is essentially code for "reasonably class-privileged women feel guilty about everything & manifest that guilt as endless judgments against one another & complaining about how difficult it is to be true to yourself in between the latest board meeting & little madison's ballet recital". i've pretty much never heard a poor working mom get all fluttery about work-life balance. it speaks to the privileged bubble that richards lives in that this is where she took her book.
she essentially wrote nothing but an annotated bibliography. the text is a tapestry woven of other writers' research & ideas, & at no point does richards offer anything new & original. she liberally employs barbara ehrenreich's writing about the medicalization of childbirth & misogyny in medicine in the chapter on birth options. she synopsizes judith warner's obnoxious perfect madness when she writes about parenting strategies. it's as if she just camped out in the new york public library like a diligent undergraduate, read her way through a shelf on motherhood, & then regurgitated it all into a manuscript. & because she is a professional feminist, it got published. she includes only the most cursory acknowledgment that there are mothers in the world that are not white &/or class-privileged--clearly hoping to avoid falling into the trap she set for second-wave feminists in exorciating them for snubbing poor women & women of color. but her efforts here are almost painfully tokenizing, & of course, her conception of feminist history is inherently self-serving. richards herself has done rather a lot to help erase the legacy of women of color in second wave feminism by parroting back the viewpoint that they didn't exist or were shunted to the sidelines & it's up to the good white feminists of the third wave to welcome women of color into the movement.
richards also has an obnoxious habit of seeming to celebrate her own ignorance. again & again, she writes about how she didn't realize how serious such & such an issue was until she got pregnant or became a mother. while i appreciate her attempts to not portray herself as an omniscient feminist overlord, some of the shit she never considered until it was directly affecting her is just embarrassing. i personally would be embarrassed to admit that i've been a full-time feminist for fifteen years but had never really thought before about the complications of finding good, affordable child care. i've written before about richards' essay on undergoing a selective reduction when she found herself pregnant with triplets, & how she wrote about being completely unfamiliar with the concept of selective reduction until she needed one herself. really? REALLY? it's like she's admitting to fashioning a completely solipsistic activist career & everyone is applauding her for it!
a quote from the book that kind of sums things up: "i had read susan faludi's backlash & considered myself well-versed in how the media systematically works to undermine women." really? you read one of the most well-known feminist texts in the history of the english language, which is all about how the media works to undermine women, & now you're "well-versed" in the subject? i love how she consumes the research & writing of other women & then spits it back out again, completely unadorned with her own original analysis, & claims that it's knowledge she now possesses. if you want to read 250 pages of this kind of bargain basement "i read a book! now come to my class at the learning annex!" bullshit, this is the book for you. but if you, like me, prefer to spend your time reading books by people who can not just consume & repeat, but can also think, philosophize, & WRITE (seriously, richards is not a great writer--half the time, she employs overwrought sentence structure peppered with words that i don't think mean what she thinks they mean, & the rest of the time, she falls into the jessica valenti camp of hyperbolizing everything until she's not even coherent anymore), give this one a wide berth.
the book was written in response to a piece in the "new york times magazine," called "the opt-out revolution. it was a very widely-debated piece about the phenomenon of a certain type of mother (well-educated, reasonably class-privileged) choosing to eschew career for a life of stay-at-home motherhood. when i say it was "widely-debated," i mean that a lot of people threw around a lot of opinions about it without having actually read the article. i read it. i thought it was very well-written & interesting, & far from being the first cannon fire in the new round of early oughts mommy wars or a screed about women shortchanging their kids by going back to work, or wasting their promise wiping noses all day, it seemed to examine the flawed underpinnings of the mommy wars & conclude that success & satisfaction can be defined by the individual.
add richards to the pile of folks who did not seem to actually read the article. she seems to have skimmed it with a lot of pre-conceived notions about its content & then taken umbrage with the conclusions she assumes the author was making. so, from the start, the book is based on a faulty premise. adding to the shaky foundation is richards' conception of herself as a voice for the modern-day feminist--& she is a classic third-wave "i choose my choice/everything i do is a woman's movement" feminist. she had a baby, so suddenly being a mom is an area of feminist inquiry. i do think that being a mom can be an area of feminist inquiry--it just bothers me when people don't realize that until they themselves are moms. especially when they have made a career out of watering feminism down to become basically just an amusing phase for single freewheeling college girls.
even if the book had been less about how to "be a mother without losing yourself" & more a memoir about richards' own experience balancing motherhood & feminist activism (such as her work is activism--does it still count as activism when it's basically your career?), it would have been better than what we actually got. the book is really just an incredibly boring, tedious rehash of the research on achieving work-life balance. allow me to say that the phrase "work-life balance" is essentially code for "reasonably class-privileged women feel guilty about everything & manifest that guilt as endless judgments against one another & complaining about how difficult it is to be true to yourself in between the latest board meeting & little madison's ballet recital". i've pretty much never heard a poor working mom get all fluttery about work-life balance. it speaks to the privileged bubble that richards lives in that this is where she took her book.
she essentially wrote nothing but an annotated bibliography. the text is a tapestry woven of other writers' research & ideas, & at no point does richards offer anything new & original. she liberally employs barbara ehrenreich's writing about the medicalization of childbirth & misogyny in medicine in the chapter on birth options. she synopsizes judith warner's obnoxious perfect madness when she writes about parenting strategies. it's as if she just camped out in the new york public library like a diligent undergraduate, read her way through a shelf on motherhood, & then regurgitated it all into a manuscript. & because she is a professional feminist, it got published. she includes only the most cursory acknowledgment that there are mothers in the world that are not white &/or class-privileged--clearly hoping to avoid falling into the trap she set for second-wave feminists in exorciating them for snubbing poor women & women of color. but her efforts here are almost painfully tokenizing, & of course, her conception of feminist history is inherently self-serving. richards herself has done rather a lot to help erase the legacy of women of color in second wave feminism by parroting back the viewpoint that they didn't exist or were shunted to the sidelines & it's up to the good white feminists of the third wave to welcome women of color into the movement.
richards also has an obnoxious habit of seeming to celebrate her own ignorance. again & again, she writes about how she didn't realize how serious such & such an issue was until she got pregnant or became a mother. while i appreciate her attempts to not portray herself as an omniscient feminist overlord, some of the shit she never considered until it was directly affecting her is just embarrassing. i personally would be embarrassed to admit that i've been a full-time feminist for fifteen years but had never really thought before about the complications of finding good, affordable child care. i've written before about richards' essay on undergoing a selective reduction when she found herself pregnant with triplets, & how she wrote about being completely unfamiliar with the concept of selective reduction until she needed one herself. really? REALLY? it's like she's admitting to fashioning a completely solipsistic activist career & everyone is applauding her for it!
a quote from the book that kind of sums things up: "i had read susan faludi's backlash & considered myself well-versed in how the media systematically works to undermine women." really? you read one of the most well-known feminist texts in the history of the english language, which is all about how the media works to undermine women, & now you're "well-versed" in the subject? i love how she consumes the research & writing of other women & then spits it back out again, completely unadorned with her own original analysis, & claims that it's knowledge she now possesses. if you want to read 250 pages of this kind of bargain basement "i read a book! now come to my class at the learning annex!" bullshit, this is the book for you. but if you, like me, prefer to spend your time reading books by people who can not just consume & repeat, but can also think, philosophize, & WRITE (seriously, richards is not a great writer--half the time, she employs overwrought sentence structure peppered with words that i don't think mean what she thinks they mean, & the rest of the time, she falls into the jessica valenti camp of hyperbolizing everything until she's not even coherent anymore), give this one a wide berth.
January 5, 2015
Really enjoyed this, though I would say that it's more about feminism than about motherhood/parenting. I particularly appreciated the discussions of our relationships with our mothers, the decision/value of returning to work, and the challenges for couples who choose or embody different gender roles.
August 21, 2008
i expected a lot more from this book, which i found to be full of generalities and banal speculation. in the end i decided that you could save yourself the trouble of reading it and just read the summary on the back cover instead. or you could take a few moments to think about the issues she raises and come to the same conclusions: ultimately you have to trust yourself and find your own path as a parent.
May 15, 2008
When I first started this book I was pissed off and feeling judged. Now that I have finished it. I don't feel judged, but maybe a little inferior. Amy Richards shares details from her own life, and from those it seems like she has it all together. And I don't have it all together. But of course, this is all me projecting.
The book is well-researched and insightful. Basically, Amy Richards highlights some feminist history, shares stories from parents, and explores her own life as woman, daughter and mother. In the end, she asks us to live our values. We must acknowledge that often motherhood is not valued or respected in our society, and we have to make changes in our own lives to demand more (whether that's help with housework, better pay and benefits, a flexible work schedule, etc).
A much different book than many motherhood-related titles. No real whining or scape-goating to be found. I started feeling cornered and finished feeling empowered and challenged.
The book is well-researched and insightful. Basically, Amy Richards highlights some feminist history, shares stories from parents, and explores her own life as woman, daughter and mother. In the end, she asks us to live our values. We must acknowledge that often motherhood is not valued or respected in our society, and we have to make changes in our own lives to demand more (whether that's help with housework, better pay and benefits, a flexible work schedule, etc).
A much different book than many motherhood-related titles. No real whining or scape-goating to be found. I started feeling cornered and finished feeling empowered and challenged.
May 14, 2008
From the review I read of this book, I expected it to be mostly about managing a work-life balance. It certainly addressed that, but overall was more about the history of feminism as it pertains to motherhood, and how to choose motherhood without abandoning feminist beliefs (and, further, raising children to have those feminist beliefs). So while it wasn't exactly what I'd expected, it was thought-provoking and very interesting. I was particularly interested in the chapter on how motherhood changes our female friendships, and the follow-up chapter on relating to (and becoming!) our own mothers.
April 25, 2009
Read in the fall, so my memory is a little foggy - but what sticks with me is being kind of pissed off as I read. She'd have a sentence about how women can do anything they want, work or stay at home, yadda yadda, and then spend the rest of the chapter contradicting that. I felt like she came down pretty hard on women who don't immediately return to work - i.e. women can have anything they want, but hopefully they don't just want to stay home and raise kids. Meanwhile, she has a fairly unique lifestyle - part-time writer, dad who stays at home a fair bit, etc. - that allows her to have her foot in all worlds but agonize about having to choose.
December 15, 2009
Amy Richards, Third Wave feminist extraordinaire, presents a compelling and humorous look at young women, feminism and the choice to become a parent. She engages some interesting issues including the whole "Mommy Wars" media creation, the struggle for equality in housework among heterosexual couples, and the pressure to be the 'perfect feminist mom.' All and all a great book for young women contemplating motherhood, but her lack of attention to adoption and issues or race and class demonstrates that there is so much more work to be done in the area of how women understand mothering and motherhood.
December 12, 2008
Contrary to what some people thought when I added this book to my list - I haven't changed my mind, I'm still not planning to have kids. But, that doesn't mean that a book like this doesn't interest me. As a feminist I try to keep up with issues that affect women and obviously parenting and motherhood are big issues. In Opting In Amy Richards talks about how she feels you can be a feminist AND a mother and how somewhere along the way these two "sides" have been pitted against each other. Richards main point is that feminism's goal was always to broaden women's choices - whether or not to marry, whether or not to have kids, whether to work outside the home or not, etc and as women we shouldn't polarize ourselves so much. "The feminist goal is not just to prove that women can do what men can do and vice versa. It's to broaden the range of what's acceptable, including striving for entirely new models." (p.171) Richards talks about how feminism has affected motherhood in every aspect from whether to work or not, raising children in an egalitarian way, division of labor between parents and how having children affects women's relationships with friends and with their own mothers. Overall, this was a very enlightening book and I would recommend it to any woman - not just mothers.
February 6, 2011
This book wasn't what I expected based on the title and the few reviews I had read before I got it out of the library. I thought it would have more practical information about literally "having a child without losing yourself." Not so much. This to me read more like a book that would be assigned in a college womens studies class--part academic, part memoir, lots of research involving Ms. magazine. That said, it wasn't entirely unhelpful. I especially appreciated the chapters on egalitarian parenting, how having children affects female friendships, our own mothers, and raising kids today. It did help me look at some of the issues surrounding these topics in a fresh or temporarily forgotten way, which was nice. And the last couple pages do try to tie everything together and gave me a somewhat solid take-away from this book (though I didn't really need this book to arrive at this conclusion): figure out what's right for you, then do the best you can at it; don't forget to make time for yourself. meh.
June 9, 2008
Trying to negotiate being a new mom with feeling guilty for missing work. Thought this book would help me figure it out, but didn't connect the idea of feminism with my feelings and Amy Richards has me convinced I am a feminist (which I never denied, but never ever clearly put on my identity chart either) so far.
Now having finished the book, I agree with other reviewers with the book not being exactly what you think it's going to be about. It's basically a history of feminism mixed in with balancing motherhood with your partner, work, friendships and your own mother. I enjoyed the history after I got over that it was going to be central to the book. I also liked the chapter about consciously raising your kid without gender expectations and the idea that being a mother doesn't mean being a martyr. In essence, many of my own feelings were validated and I felt less isolated after reading Richards' own story and the stories of the women she interviewed.
Now having finished the book, I agree with other reviewers with the book not being exactly what you think it's going to be about. It's basically a history of feminism mixed in with balancing motherhood with your partner, work, friendships and your own mother. I enjoyed the history after I got over that it was going to be central to the book. I also liked the chapter about consciously raising your kid without gender expectations and the idea that being a mother doesn't mean being a martyr. In essence, many of my own feelings were validated and I felt less isolated after reading Richards' own story and the stories of the women she interviewed.
October 8, 2008
I thought this book would offer an insightful look at mothering and womanhood from a feminist perspective. In short, it didn't.
It's really more like a dry feminist manifesto, with some stories thrown in for good measure. The author comes across as dull, talking on and on about the history of feminism without delving into the complexities faced by women today. In the right hands, this could be an illuminating book; instead, it simply falls flat.
Most annoying is how she keeps generalizing, without offering any analysis - as one other reader pointed out, this is her sheer speculation, and she seems to only see the surface. I kept reading on waiting for some thoughtful nuggets, but they never came.
A disappointing read.
It's really more like a dry feminist manifesto, with some stories thrown in for good measure. The author comes across as dull, talking on and on about the history of feminism without delving into the complexities faced by women today. In the right hands, this could be an illuminating book; instead, it simply falls flat.
Most annoying is how she keeps generalizing, without offering any analysis - as one other reader pointed out, this is her sheer speculation, and she seems to only see the surface. I kept reading on waiting for some thoughtful nuggets, but they never came.
A disappointing read.
June 9, 2010
I'd give this a 2.5
Like a lot of feminist writing that comes out of an academic context, there are things about this book that bug me...sweeping statements feel very general without a lot of real statistical data to back them up. And she wrote this book as a response to a NYtimes article that is actually quite well written from my perspective.
Nonetheless, I think it's a worthwhile read for people who believe in egalitarian relationships and who want to have kids. It's a good conversation starter. It might also be good for women who don't plan to have kids, who are concerned about the fact that their girlfriends are having kids, because it tackles some larger issues between women...
Like a lot of feminist writing that comes out of an academic context, there are things about this book that bug me...sweeping statements feel very general without a lot of real statistical data to back them up. And she wrote this book as a response to a NYtimes article that is actually quite well written from my perspective.
Nonetheless, I think it's a worthwhile read for people who believe in egalitarian relationships and who want to have kids. It's a good conversation starter. It might also be good for women who don't plan to have kids, who are concerned about the fact that their girlfriends are having kids, because it tackles some larger issues between women...
February 9, 2010
Really interesting topic - the author lost me though about half way through. The subtitle is totally misleading. This book is about the author struggle with her identity as a feminist and a mom - and how to be both. Unless you strongly identify yourself as a feminist - you won't find this book addressing how to hold onto yourself - it's mostly a tangental person rant.
December 6, 2019
2.5
This book just wasn't what I was looking for, as I was mostly interested in practical techniques of "not losing yourself" in motherhood. Shame on me for not doing research on Amy Richards beforehand. Instead of practical advice, Richards focuses on a literature review of feminist texts on motherhood. Her goal appears to be to determine how to remain a feminist while becoming a mother, with specific chapters focusing on friendship, relationship equality, and relationship with our mothers.
Many of these topics just seemed very "precious" to me in their scholarly focus. I am a feminist, but I don't want to or need to wring my wrists about having the most feminist pregnancy or birth (turns out no epidural and questioning your doctor is super feminist). In the end, it seemed that this was more of a project for Richards to show off her feminist chops than to give a regular mother anything to work with. Her overall conclusion is that you need to come to your own answers, which at first sounds innocuous, but is also the same logic that I see mothers use on forums to justify not vaccinating their kids. Overall, think feminist manifesto rather than practical guide - not what I wanted.
This book just wasn't what I was looking for, as I was mostly interested in practical techniques of "not losing yourself" in motherhood. Shame on me for not doing research on Amy Richards beforehand. Instead of practical advice, Richards focuses on a literature review of feminist texts on motherhood. Her goal appears to be to determine how to remain a feminist while becoming a mother, with specific chapters focusing on friendship, relationship equality, and relationship with our mothers.
Many of these topics just seemed very "precious" to me in their scholarly focus. I am a feminist, but I don't want to or need to wring my wrists about having the most feminist pregnancy or birth (turns out no epidural and questioning your doctor is super feminist). In the end, it seemed that this was more of a project for Richards to show off her feminist chops than to give a regular mother anything to work with. Her overall conclusion is that you need to come to your own answers, which at first sounds innocuous, but is also the same logic that I see mothers use on forums to justify not vaccinating their kids. Overall, think feminist manifesto rather than practical guide - not what I wanted.
December 6, 2017
I would actually give this 2.5 stars if I could. It was a very dense read for what I expected, but I learned a lot about feminist theory. I think a lot of the ideas could’ve been presented in a more practical, applicable, and empathetic way instead of sharing someone’s perspective along with broad generalities. My biggest takeaways from this book are: 1. Mothers today should feel free to break from conventions and parent however they see fit but 2. They probably won’t because it’s very difficult to break from convention in our society not because of the patriarchy but because 3. Women will always be there to criticize and tear down each other’s choices. We are our own worst enemy. I guess these bleak ideas will just push me even more to be a critical thinker as a mother — am I making such and such choice because I think it’s best for my kid? Is it best for me not only as a mother but as a woman? And then I’ll follow whatever answer I get, regardless of what the mommy wars might respond with.
February 8, 2019
A good read on what it means to be a feminist and a mom.
Written in a similar manner to Rebecca Traister’s All the Single Ladies (one of my favorite books)- each chapter delves into a different aspect of motherhood. My favorite chapters were on friendship, moms, and shared responsibility (the Diaper Divide).
Written in a similar manner to Rebecca Traister’s All the Single Ladies (one of my favorite books)- each chapter delves into a different aspect of motherhood. My favorite chapters were on friendship, moms, and shared responsibility (the Diaper Divide).
December 11, 2019
Overly general, overly simplistic, often tautological, highly disappointing.
February 21, 2010
Ever since I wrote my master's thesis (English) about the way motherhood is portrayed in the media, the topics of women's studies and motherhood/media have interested me.
I've read books and articles about these topics, and I think this book does a good job of referencing past research and thought leadership on women's studies and motherhood/media. "Opting In" has a fresh feel to it and is an easy, engaging read. However, from a stylistic perspective, I feel that the author, Amy Richards, can ramble a little bit and also, at times, awkwardly inject her first-person perspective into parts of the book that originally had a more scholarly, third-person feel.
Below are passages from the book that struck me/intrigued me.
1) "The FMLA has limitations in not requiring paid leave, and upaid leave is a luxury few can afford. Ironically, those who can afford it are often in workplaces with paid leave." (p. 29-30)
2) "Capitalism's successes usually come at the expense of using a disproportionate number of women as cheap labor, nationally and internationally." (p. 31)
3) "Working or not working is a serious question because it is as much about values and social status as it is about economics." (p. 48)
4) "'Black women's experiences as bloodmothers, othermothers, and community othermothers reveal that the mythical norm of a heterosexual, married couple, nuclear family with a nonworking spouse and a husband earning the 'family wage' is far from being natural, universal and preferred but instead is deeply embedded in specific race and class formations.'" (p. 59)
5) "The numbers of gay couples rushing to get married or at least to make their commitments legal are motivated by more than tax breaks and health care proxies; they want recognition and societal acceptance." (p. 88)
6) "It ['Congratulations':] is an appropriate response to share in someone else's happiness, but I also want to acknowledge that being pregnant is a common condition and something the majority of women do. I don't want to trump up or overinflate its importance, or leave people feeling that it is a primary source of their value." (p. 108)
7) "rewriting our biography even in small ways can make us feel inauthentic" (p. 120)
8) "other women become a source of our feelings of inadequacy ONLY when we are unsure of the choices we ourselves have made" (p. 121)
9) "'Language is not neutral ... It is not merely a vehicle which carries ideas. It is itself a shaper of ideas.'" (p. 174)
10) "When Gloria Steinem famously got married at sixty-six, there was an unexpected perk that came with marriage: people respected her privacy and didn't berate her for taking a vacation and letting the movement down ... We should challenge our assumptions; otherwise we overinflate the importance of conventional moments in a woman's life." (p. 212)
11) When I asked Judith Warner why some women have a hard time respecting other women's choices, she explained it this way: "As women we have a hard time tolerating being out of synch with those we like." (p. 225)
Excellent "Resource Guide," "Notes" and "Bibliography" as appendices to this book.
I've read books and articles about these topics, and I think this book does a good job of referencing past research and thought leadership on women's studies and motherhood/media. "Opting In" has a fresh feel to it and is an easy, engaging read. However, from a stylistic perspective, I feel that the author, Amy Richards, can ramble a little bit and also, at times, awkwardly inject her first-person perspective into parts of the book that originally had a more scholarly, third-person feel.
Below are passages from the book that struck me/intrigued me.
1) "The FMLA has limitations in not requiring paid leave, and upaid leave is a luxury few can afford. Ironically, those who can afford it are often in workplaces with paid leave." (p. 29-30)
2) "Capitalism's successes usually come at the expense of using a disproportionate number of women as cheap labor, nationally and internationally." (p. 31)
3) "Working or not working is a serious question because it is as much about values and social status as it is about economics." (p. 48)
4) "'Black women's experiences as bloodmothers, othermothers, and community othermothers reveal that the mythical norm of a heterosexual, married couple, nuclear family with a nonworking spouse and a husband earning the 'family wage' is far from being natural, universal and preferred but instead is deeply embedded in specific race and class formations.'" (p. 59)
5) "The numbers of gay couples rushing to get married or at least to make their commitments legal are motivated by more than tax breaks and health care proxies; they want recognition and societal acceptance." (p. 88)
6) "It ['Congratulations':] is an appropriate response to share in someone else's happiness, but I also want to acknowledge that being pregnant is a common condition and something the majority of women do. I don't want to trump up or overinflate its importance, or leave people feeling that it is a primary source of their value." (p. 108)
7) "rewriting our biography even in small ways can make us feel inauthentic" (p. 120)
8) "other women become a source of our feelings of inadequacy ONLY when we are unsure of the choices we ourselves have made" (p. 121)
9) "'Language is not neutral ... It is not merely a vehicle which carries ideas. It is itself a shaper of ideas.'" (p. 174)
10) "When Gloria Steinem famously got married at sixty-six, there was an unexpected perk that came with marriage: people respected her privacy and didn't berate her for taking a vacation and letting the movement down ... We should challenge our assumptions; otherwise we overinflate the importance of conventional moments in a woman's life." (p. 212)
11) When I asked Judith Warner why some women have a hard time respecting other women's choices, she explained it this way: "As women we have a hard time tolerating being out of synch with those we like." (p. 225)
Excellent "Resource Guide," "Notes" and "Bibliography" as appendices to this book.
October 16, 2013
I feel guilty giving this book a mediocre review. I highly respect the work of Amy Richards and had great hopes for this book. When it comes down to it, this book is better suited for people who are just beginning to explore feminist thought and haven't had extensive discussions already. For the rest of us, it's just the same old news. And I'm not sure if that speaks to my age and my experience in feminist dialogue OR if it has to do more with the fact that this was published 5 years ago. Although I doubt the later to be true, as we all know feminism seems to move very slowly. What I'm most disappointed in is that my perception of this book, based on the title of "Having a Child Without Losing Yourself", was that this book would involve a deep exploration of work-life-family-parent balance. But it really didn't do that. And now I'm confused why it was titled so. My biggest compliant is the lack of attention to non-hetero/two parent/same skin color/"disability" free families or the experiences of woman from different sociodemographics than her own. What I did value was the historical perspective she wove into this book. Also, the reminder that when thinking about motherhood and the workplace, it is imperative to include issues such as healthcare, fertility, fathers, etc.
Read this book if:
1. You've never heard of the Third Wave Foundation---or even the phrases "first, second, and third wave feminism.
2. You'd like an easy read some feminist perspective of the history of motherhood (in white America)
3. You have a paper to write for school.
4. You want more information about the "it's now or never" lie told to woman
5. You're interested in exploring the nuances of language---such as the term "child free" vs "childless"
6. You would like to begin to challenge yourself around the concepts of fetal anomalies test and how they may or may not impact the disability rights movement. (and if you're really intrigued continue on with Solomon's "Far From the Tree")
7. You have children, or are planning to have children, and have a partner to raise them with and you are interested in exploring what truly is "fair" co-parenting---in terms of time spent.
8. You're worried that your friendships will (or are) suffering from being a parent. (I really liked this addition to the book).
9. You avoid the therapy you need to repair a relationship with your bio mom.
Read this book if:
1. You've never heard of the Third Wave Foundation---or even the phrases "first, second, and third wave feminism.
2. You'd like an easy read some feminist perspective of the history of motherhood (in white America)
3. You have a paper to write for school.
4. You want more information about the "it's now or never" lie told to woman
5. You're interested in exploring the nuances of language---such as the term "child free" vs "childless"
6. You would like to begin to challenge yourself around the concepts of fetal anomalies test and how they may or may not impact the disability rights movement. (and if you're really intrigued continue on with Solomon's "Far From the Tree")
7. You have children, or are planning to have children, and have a partner to raise them with and you are interested in exploring what truly is "fair" co-parenting---in terms of time spent.
8. You're worried that your friendships will (or are) suffering from being a parent. (I really liked this addition to the book).
9. You avoid the therapy you need to repair a relationship with your bio mom.
October 24, 2009
Perhaps one star is a little harsh. But, speaking as a feminist and a mother, here were a couple of my issues with the book (one more substantive, one more stylistic).
1. She believes there's no more need for old-school feminism (much as she pays homage to its relevance in the past), although it's not clear what the "new" feminism is supposed to be. Apparently the patriarchy and systemic male privilege don't exist anymore. Gender oppression either doesn't exist, or it's perpetuated by other women. (Did you know that when men don't do their share of the housework, it's just as much their female partners' fault as their own?)
You mean gender oppression doesn't exist anymore? Great! That makes me feel so much better! I guess I won't ask my MALE boss why my female-majority profession is paid so poorly compared to male-dominated fields. Oh, and by the way, I won't try to challenge all the people who make comments about whether my six-month-old baby daughter is "pretty," "coy," "flirtatious," and/or "ladylike."
2. This book never successfully marries memoir with journalism/ commentary. I would have preferred to read one or the other. Also, it is full of generalizations, especially psychological ones, like "We (women) have trouble getting along with our mothers because we don't want to be the people our mothers were." Do I need to spell out what's wrong with this type of generalization from either a literary or a psychological perspective?
[P.S. to my brother who bought this book for me... don't feel bad, it was still a great present! Based on the cover it seemed like a book I would like. Also, I love reading things I disagree with.:]
1. She believes there's no more need for old-school feminism (much as she pays homage to its relevance in the past), although it's not clear what the "new" feminism is supposed to be. Apparently the patriarchy and systemic male privilege don't exist anymore. Gender oppression either doesn't exist, or it's perpetuated by other women. (Did you know that when men don't do their share of the housework, it's just as much their female partners' fault as their own?)
You mean gender oppression doesn't exist anymore? Great! That makes me feel so much better! I guess I won't ask my MALE boss why my female-majority profession is paid so poorly compared to male-dominated fields. Oh, and by the way, I won't try to challenge all the people who make comments about whether my six-month-old baby daughter is "pretty," "coy," "flirtatious," and/or "ladylike."
2. This book never successfully marries memoir with journalism/ commentary. I would have preferred to read one or the other. Also, it is full of generalizations, especially psychological ones, like "We (women) have trouble getting along with our mothers because we don't want to be the people our mothers were." Do I need to spell out what's wrong with this type of generalization from either a literary or a psychological perspective?
[P.S. to my brother who bought this book for me... don't feel bad, it was still a great present! Based on the cover it seemed like a book I would like. Also, I love reading things I disagree with.:]
August 31, 2008
Thank goodness for this book. I was beginning to despair that there weren't any parenting books written that had anything to say that was worth hearing and talking about. [To be fair, I didn't quite finish the book--it was a new release at the library, which means you can't renew it, so I'll have to check it out again to finish it.] I have been checking out parenting books dutifully for several years and haven't found many that are, in my humble opinion, worthwhile and helpful. This book approaches motherhood from a feminist perspective and asks a lot of important questions coming from this position--questions that approach at the heart of what it means to be a woman, a mother, a partner (or not), a worker, and usually a combination of these things. I felt enormously liberated reading this--I think realizing that we are not alone in our worries and reaches is always freeing. I really recommend this book to people who are already parents, and those that are considering the possibility...
August 15, 2008
I just finished Opting In by Amy Richards (the co-author of Manifesta) and I highly recommend it. I had been searching for a book written from a feminist perspective that addressed issues facing working mothers, and this is the best one I've found. The book was written in response to an article published in the NY Times a few years ago that looked at female Yale Law School graduates who were opting out of working after having children. The book does a good job of articulating a lot of the conflicting feelings I have as a new mother and professional. I recommend it to anyone (male or female as it addresses division of labor issues in relationships after the baby) who feels that continuing to work while mothering a child might actually make them a better parent, feminist, and citizen in the long run.
January 19, 2014
A very good account of what it means to be a feminist mother, and about feminism's relation to motherhood in general. What should the main topics be, when discussing feminism and motherhood? Why was feminist debate always more focused on aborion than parenthood? CHOICE for women should include both. I could in many ways relate to what Richards is pointing out, especially in a matter of choice. There is really no right answer to how feminists should give birth, what is or seems to be "natural"... It should all really be a woman's choice. Feminism should be about choice, and not about making it the "right", the "feminist" way. I also like her questions of what is feminist upbringing like. Is it really about Barbie dolls and plastic guns, or should it be more, and how is it to be achieved? Thank you, Amy Richards!
December 16, 2008
I wanted to give this book two stars because I so little identified with the author and her perspective, but really, it was a better book than that. I'm glad that there are books around feminism and parenting (or mothering, if you prefer), but this one just didn't speak to me. And I was surprised by how little lesbian/bisexual women's perspectives or experiences were discussed.
I think it'd be much more informative to read an anthology of essays from a variety of women on feminism and parenting. Still, I'd recommend that other feminist mothers or feminist mothers-to-be (and any fathers who identify as feminist) read this and see what they think.
I think it'd be much more informative to read an anthology of essays from a variety of women on feminism and parenting. Still, I'd recommend that other feminist mothers or feminist mothers-to-be (and any fathers who identify as feminist) read this and see what they think.
August 3, 2011
Although this book was not always what I hoped it would be, it did get me thinking about some really interesting things. It included a whole chapter on the author's thoughts/beliefs on stay at home parenting vs. working while parenting, which was what I was originally interested in reading. I thought the author often focused on her own personal experiences, rather than discuss the "status quo" or highlight different types of parenting, and her "facts", seemed more like self-confirmed opinions.
Either way - still worth the read. I can't seem to find any other books out there that discuss society and parental choices like this one has, or like I had originally hoped this one would.
Either way - still worth the read. I can't seem to find any other books out there that discuss society and parental choices like this one has, or like I had originally hoped this one would.
August 16, 2008
I think I'm not the right audience for this book; it was a perfectly fine read, well-written, and a nice mix of personal story and cultural analysis. But for me, it didn't shine any new light on issues (work/family balance; shared parenting; mother/daughter relationships, etc) I've been thinking about for a long time. But for a new parent, or someone thinking about becoming a parent, this would make a good addition to the reading list.
September 26, 2009
I grabbed this off the shelf at the library, as it was near other books I was looking at. I had no idea it was mostly about being a working mother, and touting what a cool feminist you are, but thus far some of the sections are useful/interesting. After finishing I liked some of the points about how some women feel judged for going back to work, and others judged for staying home. Made it more balanced.
November 7, 2013
While I appreciated some of the first hand accounts of choosing to be childfree, of feminist mothering (if one can even call what Richards presents this) and of how one can interrogate the institution of motherhood, this was not a fulfilling read. I would recommend Andrea O'Reilly's edited collection _21st Century Motherhood_ as a more challenging, insightful read on questions of third wave parenthood.
July 30, 2008
I guess I would have to say that what I took from this book is that a woman is going to struggle with whatever choice she makes ~ whether to stay home with her kids or work. The important thing is coming to terms with it for yourself and not letting other people make you feel less as a woman and a mother.
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