Mean Moms Rule: Why Doing the Hard Stuff Now Creates Good Kids Later

by Denise Schipani

Kids want what they want when they want it. They're too young to understand that they need guidelines in order to develop healthy adult lifestyles. A "mean mom" knows that saying no to an unhealthy snack, enforcing rules, or punishing bad behavior are all necessary aspects of parenting. But a "good mom" may have a hard time dealing with the temper tantrums and tears that inevitably follow rule enforcement. Mean Mom, Good Mom shows you how to master both sides of parenting and prepare your kids for the world. Your kids may hate you (just a little) for setting rules right now, but they'll appreciate and respect you when they're older.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Adult, Family, Self Help

228 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 2012

Reviews

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some of her advice: There is nothing wrong with saying "no." Let your kid fail every day. Don't give your kid too much or do stuff for your kid. And so on.

The book has a bloggy feel, and she has a rather annoying attitude throughout it. Such as, she calls her newborn baby a "blob" and she acts like every lax parent is raising a little monster. I don't think that is true because I know really good adults whose parents were not particularly strict.

[Jennifer Longo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Please, please America - read this book and follow the common sense principals described herein! I've never read a parenting book before, I stick to clinical child development stuff, but this title caught my eye and holy smokes. The audacity of saying "No!" The brand new information of "It's not about YOU, it's about THEM!" Meaning, don't kick the can down the street with placating, bribing and giving in to behaviors that may be easy now, but will turn your kid into a parasitic adult with no life...it is NOT your job to make your kid happy, no one can make another person happy, it is NOT your place to do what you KNOW is ultimately bad for your kid simply because your kid will like you more in the moment, that is selfish and lazy - doing the hard thing is NOT easy, it will not win you any popularity contests, but it WILL help your kid grow in to a kind, self-sufficient person who is going to contribute to society in a productive way and help others do the same, and in this way find TRUE happiness in him or herself. Thank you Denise Schipani, for bringing me out into the light, a proud MEAN MOM.

[Kristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

The basic lesson from this book is that it is within our power to make our kids self-sufficient, motivated by their own achievements (and not external recognition), and ready to take on the world. This comes about as parents make decisions to not be their kids' best friends, to set limits and provide structure, and to stick to their approach and values regardless of what "everyone else" is doing (whether that's other kids or other parents!). As I read it, I kept remembering the advice our pediatrician gave us at one of our early visits. She said that the best thing we could do for our son was prepare him to be independent by the age of 17 -- that meant teaching him everything we knew about running a household so he could do it on his own by then (cooking, cleaning, laundry, fixing the car, gardening, budgeting, etc.) and letting him make mistakes as he learned. This is one of the tenets of our parenting approach and a real focus of Mean Moms Rule. Our pediatrician gave us the confidence to not break every fall or solve every challenge for our son and to have expectations for his behavior even before he turned 1, knowing it would be best for him in the long run. For people who don't have our pediatrician, Denise Schipani provides that same inspiration in Mean Moms Rule.

[Caitlin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Disappointed

The author spent more time explaining the generational differences but not enough time sharing applicable tips and techniques. Most of it was just say no and don’t spoil your kid. I’d rather read the tips and techniques and follow on to that so if my child doesn’t respond straight away I know what to do to still reinforce the techniques.

[Frieda Vizel · Rating 1 out of 5]

"Mean Moms Rule" reads like a book-length rant against Attachment Parenting. It's not a parenting book; it won't tell you how to deal with your child's personality or with behavior challenges. It speaks to some upper class demographic of women whose charmed lifestyle of obsessing over breast feeding and child care seems to be this author's sole problem. It praises the glorious times of yore when parents loved rigidly, right before all mothers supposedly suddenly became over-involved and one-track-minded. If you are not a late-age mom with all the world's time and money on your hands, this book will seem like a aimless rant.

As a busy single-parent mom juggling many responsibilities in order to make ends meet for myself and my child, I was quite surprised to read that most parents apparently are their children's most naggy and suffocating wannabe best friend. They "practically keep spreadsheets of their kids' friends", think that the child "can't possibly get by without me!" and "never did manage a sitter - even (grandma) free! - because the separation anxiety thing was too much". These mothers need to be told to "keep both: yourself as a woman and yourself as a mother" by -- listen to this!-- being told that they should keep up with Dancing with the Stars. If these mothers "think about something other than motherhood, such as sex, your marriage, or your career" they "at least have the decency to be consume with guilt about worrying over these 'side' issues." Yes, you read right; the mothers in our generation, according to this author, feel guilty about using up brain waves for anything but little Prince or Princess! Her advice is "buy yourself stuff you like" (surely, if you're a mother you only bought yourself stuff you don't like -- or maybe you continued to wear maternity all the way into the baby's teen years) and you should "date your husband" (because all mother's have husbands, of course!) and you need to "send your kids to bed. No, really. Do it" (because generally we let them fall asleep at the supper table over a bowl of jelly beans and licorice we lovingly prepared from scratch). Now you know to control treats (she writes: "yes, I said it: I hide ice cream from my kids" Really? That's radical!! I follow my son's school bus with a container of Haagen Daz (only the best), and I sit outside his school all day with the stuff in a cooler just in case he wants some. Don't all moms do that?

You're not allowed to care about what other moms think, but then she spends the entire book responding to moms who don't think her approach is cuddly enough. She needs to get back at an acquaintance who got feathered when another woman sent her child to daycare when she didn't have to, as if anyone cares what the acquaintance said. She did, apparently! It seems that in her world all mothers are part of some Parenting Pack in which you are committed to a socialist type conformity of other in vogue parents. Personally, I don't know any such parents, and Schipani seems entirely unaware that her little socioeconomic bubble does not have the monopoly on motherhood and parenting situations.

I read this book only because I got a copy from a good friend, and since it's mine, I read it. It saddened me that these are the parenting books that sell in today's market. It reads like a blog, a bad blog by a preachy mother with a narrow-minded upper-middle-class perspective on the world, with no real useful parenting ideas. I would not recommend it.

If you're looking for a parenting book, and for god's sake if you're going to give one to a mom as a gift, don't give this book, even if you think the subject of overparenting and not disciplining enough is one that would help the other parent. There are many real parenting books to help achieve the balance between being present and being overinvolved. I recommend "Positive Discipline". I've read many parenting books over the years as challenges arose and I needed guidance, and "Positive Discipline" still remained the most helpful and empathetic one.

[Shirley · Rating 4 out of 5]

The concept of a "mean mom" is someone who stands her ground, knows what she expects from her children, and does not apologize for making her decisions. The title of the book caught my eye, and I thought I'd give the book a try to see if I can learn to get better grip on being a parent to a tantrum-prone 3 year old!

Overall, I thought the book was helpful, with anecdotes and examples of how some parents give in to their children all the time, and the consequences of these actions. At times, I thought the author did sound a bit too idealistic, with examples of how she was able to be in control with her boys and how she wasn't like other parents who let their children take over.

But I did find these tips helpful from the Mean Mom Manifesto:

1. "It's not about you, it's about them": don't be preoccupied with how you are parenting, or how you might look to other people. Do what you think is right for your family.

2. "Hang onto yourself": don't lose yourself after you have children. Remember that you are your own person, too and Not just a parent.

3. "Start as you mean to go on": With newborns, do to them as you would want to continue. Think long-term.

4. "Don't follow the parenting pack": Do what you feel is right for your family and now what everyone else wants or expects you to do.

5. "Take (or take back) control": Nip sassiness or misbehavior in the bud right away and remember that YOU are the parent.

6. "Say NO. Smile. Don't apologize. Repeat as necessary": It's OK to say NO to your children, and teach them that they can't have everything they want all the time.

7. "Teach them life skills": As a parent, you want to teach your children to be independent beings, so that they will be ready to head out into the outside world when it's time.

8. "Slow it down": Don't rush to expose your children to things that can wait, and let them enjoy their childhood for as long as they want to. And it's okay to take it easy and NOT rush out to the countless classes/activities out there.

9. "Fail your child, a little bit, every day": As a parent, you wouldn't want to shelter your children from reality--disappointments, pain, etc. You want them to be prepared for the real world when it's their time to head out there.

10. "Prepare them for the world, not the world for them": Same as above.

[David Gallin-Parisi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Get past the horribly designed cover, and Schipani provides straight to the point advice for parents. I got this to help work with teens at my library branch, though it's aimed specifically at female readers. I wonder when a guy, dad, male-centric version will be out? Any suggestions are welcome. Either way, I'm glad to have read this and glad to have finished it. Her writing tone is slightly too casual for me, but again I'm a guy reading a book specifically written for moms. Once I got past that her approach to kids growing up into people is great. My favorite chapter is Say No, Smile, Don't Apologize, Repeat as Necessary. She even mentions her hatred of vending machines in her public library, which I wholeheartedly endorse. Also a chapter to slowing things down, not rushing people into things they aren't ready for. The ninth chapter, Fail Your Child, a Little Bit, Every Day is probably the most valuable for me - as people are not that into accepting failure nowadays. Get ready because it happens, and Schipani encourages parents to help people grow on their own. Recommended for parents, or in my case, teen services librarians. This book helps me realize why I feel torn between doing the hard thing, or the easier thing. Or the seemingly easier, less complaint generating route. Which if I bindly take, makes me feel crappy later.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Denise Schipani is a proud Mean Mom, but really she's only mean in the fact that she's a bit old-fashioned. She doesn't give her kids every single thing they ask for. She doesn't sign them up for every single activity that exists, and she requires them to do chores and holds them responsible for their actions (didn't finish your homework on time - no she will not make an excuse to your teacher). But she still gives her kids presents; they still participate in activities; she still takes them out for ice cream and on vacation, just maybe not as often or as lavishly as their friends' parents do.

I've been a big fan ever since I stumbled onto her site: http://deniseschipani.com/ shortly after my son was born in 2012, so I'm glad to finally getting around to reading her book. I agreed with her 10 Mean Mom Manifesto's and after reading them all felt much more reassured in my instincts to set boundaries for my kids and encourage them to learn skills for themselves, and, basically, to not hover quite so much.

I'm sure her approach is too strict for some, but like her, I had slightly stricter than average parents, and looking back now I think that was only a good thing.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

My kids saw me reading this book and got worried. "Don't be a mean mom, be a nice mom!" they cried. Certainly Strict Moms Rule isn't as catchy of a title, but it more clearly captures what the author advocates with her Mean Mom strategies.

The book is organized into "manifestos" (i.e., "Take Control" and "Say No. Smile. Don't Apologize. Repeat as Necessary" - my favorite!) that basically promote the idea that preparing kids for the world outside the home-bubble requires letting them have a bit more autonomy and expecting respect from them while also exerting parental authority. Kids can be the most important people in your life, but they do not have to be the laser-beam focus of the family. Most of the principles Schipani advocates are ones my family follows, although it was helpful to be reminded of some (Don't Follow The Parenting Pack; Slow It Down).

The author has a lively and engaging style that makes for easy reading.

[Holly · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love her message ... in that regard this book is more like four stars. The three is for the so-so writing. I found myself cheering and shouting, "Yes!" so many times. Loved the part about sippy cups ... teach them to drink "Out of a cup. At a table. Like a human." I loved the chapter on life skills. My philosophy, "Never do anything for your child that he can do for himself" really fits in with that chapter. The chapter on saying "no" was a refreshing reassurance that we are in charge and we can and should say no. We should save our yeses for when it will really matter. Here are the 10 principles she explores:

1. It's not about you. It's about them.
2. Hang on to yourself.
3. Start as you mean to go on.
4. Don't follow the parenting pack.
5. Take (or take back) control.
6. Say no. Smile. Don't apologize. Repeat as necessary.
7. Teach them life skills.
8. Slow it down.
9. Fail your child, a little bit, every day.
10. Prepare them for the world, not the world for them.

[Gina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was great. I admit to being a bit of a pushover when it comes to being a mom. This book had some wonderful insight on that, and how to get out of the habit. Now, I never gave in and let him have treats when it wasn't the time. I never let him have something he wasn't supposed to have when he was a toddler. I did allow him to play video games that he shouldn't have recently, though. We, as parents, have to stop thinking that we need to be our child's friend, and realize that we are their guides to life, instead. We must not give in, ever. We must be a good example always. We must not hover over our children to the point where they can't make it on their own. No means no. It is our job to teach kids the skills they need to survive in the great big world, and than let them go. That's just some of the things Ms. Schipani drives home in her book. I've learned a lot, and I'll try to be a fun, but mean, mom from now on. Haha!

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

I skimmed this book, picking and choosing the chapters I was interested in learning from. I love how straight forward the author is! No nonsense tips from someone who has lived it is exactly the kind of advice I can get behind. She doesn't disparage mothers who disagree with her ideology, which I respect. Because she is spot-on and the others are wrong!
In all seriousness, the idea that disciplining our children now to turn them into better adults later makes so much sense. Kids need to learn respect, and limits, at a young age. If we teach them now, disregarding how it makes us moms feel "mean", we will reap the benefits, along with society. There is no reason to go overboard in giving to our children. One time turns into two times turns into ten. Children then come to expect us to buckle. As the adult in the relationship, we need to be the heavy. This book can teach you how to do that, do it well, and do it with humor.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is great for people who don't know what kind of parents they want to be (they should be this kind, hands down) or to the parents who think they are being "too hard" on their kids, or that OTHER people are being too hard on their poor little kids. No. They're not. You're not teaching your kids to be productive unselfish world inhabitants. Teach your children how to do housework, so they can do it when they are adults. Teach them how to respect themselves and others, before they become adults and think they can do whatever they want. Don't spoil your kids, it does them no good, and it just makes you feel better for a very short time anyway.

[Diane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although I didn't like her writing style a lot of her points hit home for me. I often feel like what is the 'norm' for what we all do with our kids is totally nuts. I am talking hand held electronics, no responsibility to do anything on their own EVER and too many extra circular activities! I don't want to follow the pack and I want my kids to behave and listen to what I say just because I am the one who said it. This book has made it easier to follow my instinct and do what is right for myself and them. Her book will rub many the wrong way but at the same time someone has to say it! Trying to get my husband to read it too.

[Merri Su · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked the basic premise of the book, which is to take the long view and remember that our goal is to raise responsible, kind, independent adults. I didn't care for the repetitive nature of the book, the lack of data, the judgmental tone, or the overused question mark (though this last one is just a personal pet peeve of mine with reading too many blogs and too much Facebook; e.g., "And? I really hate that." <- my example, not from the book).

[Martine Sansoucy · Rating 1 out of 5]

To be honest, I stopped reading after the moment I found out how old her kids were. I have kids the same age and I don't feel anywhere qualified to start giving parental advice. . . I would start thinking about it after all of them have grown up, turned out great and I know I did something really right. Sorry, I just had no trust in this book!

[Sandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just re-read this book, and it's even better than the first time. Level-headed parenting at its best. Should be given out to every mother-to-be (and every existing parent, frankly).

[Safa A Mehdar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book I have ever read, its words are simple & clear which made it easier for me (since english is my 2ed language) to understand this fablus book, I'm still A collage girl but I think its better to read about parenting before actually becoming A parent to have The knowledge to raise such an independent, good childern.

It is very very very GREAT Book, I think all parents should read it, I'm in love with this book in which I finished it in only 20 days!
I have never read an english book in this short time.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book for new moms to read around 13-16 months. It cured me of my 'helicopter mom' tendencies that were starting to emerge, and reassured me that it is ok to say NO. My son is now 6.5 and I still think back to when I read this book. Highly recommend!

[Allison · Rating 3 out of 5]

Her sentence structure and sarcasm was difficult to read at times but she made some good points that I agree with.

[Cindy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is my kind of mom!

[Nanaz · Rating 2 out of 5]

Common sense information

I like the author

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Meh. Most of this was obvious. I guess I’m a mean mom.

[Ally · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book, clearly. I must point out though, that I had been looking for a book like this in the past only to find, well, the opposite views in the real and virtual stacks labeled "Family and Relationships" or "Parenting". I had actually given up looking and forged my own mean mom method. So when I came across Ms. Schipani's book, I found it a refreshing departure from the others I had given into reading.

Schipani provides an informative and insightful look at a style of parenting and living that isn't always disucussed, but spoken of in hushed tones amongst those of us who chose to use the "no" word and let their kids try things on their own instead of doing them for them from the get-go.

She provides a comprehensive explanation of the "method" with real-life examples and personal stories from her own family and those she has seen around her. Without sounding indoctrinating, she provides her Manifesto's with a seriousness surrounded by a light, humorous commentary that made this book an enjoyable as well as informative read.

The central theme of "Prepare your child for the world, not the world for them," hit home with me, I appreciate the sentiement as well as her reminder that, "...they're the childrean, you're the parent and raising them isn't about you, but about them."

I identified with Ms. Schipani and found that her in-depth explanations gave me the fortitude to continue to stand my ground and be the parent, not the best friend to my daughters.

Not only do I highly recommend Mean Moms Rule, I may be dropping copies into the mailboxes of quite a few friends and family members.

[Tulsa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Indicating "Mean" Mom is a little of a misnomer (IMHO) since this really is more about actually being a parent (rather than friend) and setting boundaries and rules. If that makes me (the other and others) "mean" than so be it.

The author points out that we need to allow for failure...on our own parts (hey, we aren't perfect and should not feel bad for being human), and on our children's (it's ok to make mistakes). We also need to be confident as parents that we are doing what is right and what we feel best for our own children. It is not about doing what another parent is doing or making sure your child has everything a peer has so as not to feel left out.

She is NOT advocating or even advising to neglect or emotionally abuse our children; just to stick to our guns and give our kids the opportunity to figure things out, deal with disappointment, etc. As parents, we need to stick to what we want to accomplish as a parent and the associated decisions (co-sleep, attachment, formula, breastfeeding, daycare, scheduled naps, etc). It's the end game (independent, self-reliant adults) that we need to keep in mind.

I absolutely LOVED this book since it made me feel like I wasn't horrible for making my kids take naps, sending them to daycare, saying "no" to candy, etc. I don't need to coddle them to show them that I love them...and they know this.

[Catherine Gillespie · Rating 3 out of 5]

In Mean Moms Rule, Denise Schipani writes about how parenting has changed between her mother’s generation and her own and how she attempts to do hard things as a parent even when it makes other parents call her mean.

In spite of the title, the book does not take the regrettable tone you sometimes here online or in real life of “I’m such a mean mom!” when the person saying so doesn’t really think any such thing. The title rather refers to the way that Schipani feels like other parents regard her when she raises her children differently.

The ideas Schipani presents aren’t actually that mean. If you think it’s “mean” to say no to your children occasionally, refuse to let them grow up too fast, or to resist the urge to helicopter parent then I suppose the book would seem aptly named to you, but to me the ideas presented in the book were common sense. I think Schipani is right about the changes in parenting culture – the tendency to compare ourselves to others is much easier in the digital age, and it can be difficult to resist the feeling that we need to keep up with what everyone else seems to be doing. Mean Moms Rule is a good reminder that we can be reasonable in our parenting.

{Read the rest of my review on A Spirited Mind}

[Jennifer Heise · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a great book for someone to read before they have kids, especially if they haven't thought much about what their parenting style will be, I think. I started reading it as moral support as in my family I'm the mean mom, and it made me feel like I wasn't alone-- for about the first 75 pages. The tips are good, especially the nod to the idea of the "good enough mother" from psychology. The stories aren't bad. The author tries hard not to be judgmental of other people's parenting styles, but sometimes she does slip.

However. If I read one more time "our mothers didn't have these pressures" or something like it I was going to throw the book across the room. For some things-- like letting kids play outside-- it's true; but for others, like not snacking outside of meals or drinking anything except at the table, it's way off base. Our mothers-- and their mothers-- had lots of people out there trying tell them how to parent. The messages may have been different, but there were relentless messages. The author is my age, and I can see her falling into the 'things were better when I was young' trap that catches us all at our age.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

loved this book... intrigued by the title, and saw in a children's magazine Olivia brought home from preschool...Had a lot of love/logic type themes, and it is hard to be consistent, and want your kids to learn independant values... I love how Denise wants moms to still maintain their "self" and to not get too slushed into mommy land that can take over if you don't maintain your own hobbies/interests/pursuits etc...

I guess I enjoyed getting some advice, pats on the back, and feeling good for saying "no" at the grocery store etc. and not getting the guilt.

Some of my favorite themes/ideas were:
childproofing the world
say no, smile and move on
failing your kids a little every day

also how we all want to be best buddies with our kids vs. teaching role models...If you teach them correctly they become your pals as they mature...but we need to enforce our family rules/values...and teach them. "in our family we ...." language is helpful vs. comparing to other familes.

if you read let me know what you think...

[Cara Ball · Rating 3 out of 5]

Want to grow your kids, not just please them? This is a good book for you! Good for the toddler/preschool set...not so much for the school age parent. By then, you have already made your parenting choices. I was just happy to find a mean moms book--which means I'm really not that alone in the world after all.

As my 8 year old was helping me prep for dinners for the work week she told me that her friend from summer camp didn't even have to clean her room, much less help in the kitchen. My response (to myself) was "that poor kid, she won't know how to do anything when she goes to college" but to my 8 year old, I responded "wow! In our family, we all pitch in to help each other, right?" "right!", she responded proudly as she chopped away at the cucumber (with a chef's knife). I would much rather have her hanging with me in the kitchen! Mean Moms really do rule.

[Robyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought Denise had a light and easy style of writing, she is humorous and well organized.

I am not going to say I agree with every word of this book but it helped me to recognize when I am doing things I say are for my children but they are really for me.

Like why do we give children sweets, soda, soccer lessons... before they can ask for them? I understand why we give toys, because they help develop certain skills that a 1 year old doesn't know to ask for.

The book also made me feel a little better about the times I say 'no' to my children, and the boundaries and structure I ask for at home.

And it has given me a lot to think about in regards to sending my summer birthday boys to school when they should go and if I am going to keep walking them to and from school until they are 12.