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Out of Focus: My Story of Sexuality, Shame, and Toxic Evangelicalism
When a mass shooter killed five people in an LGBTQ nightclub in Colorado Springs, grieving people graffitied James Dobson’s Focus on the Family headquarters with the words “Their blood is on your hands.” Such an accusation comes as no surprise to Amber Cantorna-Wylde, whose father is a Focus on the Family executive and cast Amber out of her family when she came out in 2012. From severed family ties to malicious murder, such enmity is the fruit of a religious movement that considers it more faithful to reject your child or even to kill than to accept and love LGBTQ+ people. Evangelical organizations like Dobson’s, along with pastors like Jerry Falwell, Franklin Graham, and Robert Jeffress, built an empire out of their conservative Christian beliefs and convinced millions of Americans that sexual purity, patriarchal families, and militaristic nationalism were God’s priority. Cantorna-Wylde shows readers how the political and personal intertwine to cause shame and suffering that Jesus would never desire, including the long-term effects of identity-repression, trauma, and family estrangement. A blend of heart-wrenching memoir and astute cultural analysis, Out of Focus will help heal individuals harmed by evangelicalism’s toxic influence and inspire Christian communities to pursue a path of love and inclusion.
225 pages, Paperback
Published October 24, 2023
9 people are currently reading
2175 people want to read
About the author
Amber Cantorna-Wylde
4 books55 followersAmber Cantorna-Wylde (she/her) is a national speaker, community healer, and the author of three books. Her newest book, Out of Focus: My Story of Sexuality, Shame, and Toxic Evangelicalism releases Oct. 2023. As a gay woman living with the invisible disability of both Lyme disease and rheumatoid arthritis, Amber specializes in bringing messages of diversity, hope, and self-acceptance to those who have been pushed to the margins. She is the host of the Unashamed Love Collective – a safe haven for LGBTQ+ people and allies that fosters supportive community. She also leads Cultivating Community Retreats—small, intimate group gatherings that build lasting relationships with like-minded people.
To partner with Amber in the continuation of her work, visit Patreon.com/AmberCantornaWylde.
Follow her on social media at @AmberCantornaWylde and learn more about her work at AmberCantornaWylde.com.
To partner with Amber in the continuation of her work, visit Patreon.com/AmberCantornaWylde.
Follow her on social media at @AmberCantornaWylde and learn more about her work at AmberCantornaWylde.com.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 58 reviews
December 9, 2023
“One of the things I remember most vividly about the fundamentalist church I belonged to as a child is the way my pastor’s voice sounded whenever he spoke the word “homosexual” from the pulpit . . . he’d pronounce the word as if it tasted bad, like he was grossed out and gagging just uttering the word.”
In the eyes of James Dobson’s Focus on the Family, Amber Cantorna-Wylde is an abomination.
“It’s tragic and it’s lethal, taking something as pure and simple as love and turning it into a weapon of division that religion and politics use to pit conservatives against liberals, parents against children, and theology against basic humanity.”
I am completely in Amber’s corner—the woman is a warrior—but I admit that I don’t totally understand how she, or any religiously persecuted LGBTQ+ individual, can maintain faith when faith is the hammer used to pound decent human beings into molds of conformity. She does write briefly about mistranslations of the bible, specifically the “The Clobber Verses”—six scriptures that fundamentalist Christians say denounce same-sex relationships—to justify her continued faith, but rather than deep diving into the topic she encourages her readers toward further self-investigation.
“Because evangelicals believe in the literal interpretation of the Bible, with little thought for the involvement of human translators, we were taught that the word “homosexual” has been in the Bible for as long as the Bible has been around. But that simply is not true . . . the word “homosexual” has only been in the Bible for seventy-seven years [since 1946].”
[ref: 1946: The Mistranslation That Shifted Culture, documentary, directed by Sharon Roggio, 2023]
And it’s not just the “clobber verses” that Amber takes a swing at. She is also outspoken about the quiver full theology, purity culture, and conversion therapy. It took her years of hard work to try and undo the damage FOTF has inflicted on her person and embrace the truth that says, in spite of her family, she has a right to exist and to pursue life and love on her own terms.
Its optimistic Christian slant not withstanding, I think this is an important book and I hope it sells a million copies. Five Big Stars.
____________________________________
“I was talking to some Christians [who] invited these gay children to come into their home and to come to church, to influence them. And I thought to myself, those parents aren’t going to influence those kids; those kids are going to influence those parents’ children. We have to understand who the enemy is and what he wants to do. He wants to devour our homes. He wants to devour this nation . . . We have to be so careful who we let into the churches . . . You cannot stay gay and call yourself a Christian.” -Franklin Graham
“You know what the ‘B’ [in LGBTQ] stands for? Bisexual. That’s orgies! That’s lots of sex with lots of people.” -James Dobson
“If I want to just go marry a donkey, is that okay?” -Dave Arnold, Amber’s father
In the eyes of James Dobson’s Focus on the Family, Amber Cantorna-Wylde is an abomination.
“It’s tragic and it’s lethal, taking something as pure and simple as love and turning it into a weapon of division that religion and politics use to pit conservatives against liberals, parents against children, and theology against basic humanity.”
I am completely in Amber’s corner—the woman is a warrior—but I admit that I don’t totally understand how she, or any religiously persecuted LGBTQ+ individual, can maintain faith when faith is the hammer used to pound decent human beings into molds of conformity. She does write briefly about mistranslations of the bible, specifically the “The Clobber Verses”—six scriptures that fundamentalist Christians say denounce same-sex relationships—to justify her continued faith, but rather than deep diving into the topic she encourages her readers toward further self-investigation.
“Because evangelicals believe in the literal interpretation of the Bible, with little thought for the involvement of human translators, we were taught that the word “homosexual” has been in the Bible for as long as the Bible has been around. But that simply is not true . . . the word “homosexual” has only been in the Bible for seventy-seven years [since 1946].”
[ref: 1946: The Mistranslation That Shifted Culture, documentary, directed by Sharon Roggio, 2023]
And it’s not just the “clobber verses” that Amber takes a swing at. She is also outspoken about the quiver full theology, purity culture, and conversion therapy. It took her years of hard work to try and undo the damage FOTF has inflicted on her person and embrace the truth that says, in spite of her family, she has a right to exist and to pursue life and love on her own terms.
Its optimistic Christian slant not withstanding, I think this is an important book and I hope it sells a million copies. Five Big Stars.
____________________________________
“I was talking to some Christians [who] invited these gay children to come into their home and to come to church, to influence them. And I thought to myself, those parents aren’t going to influence those kids; those kids are going to influence those parents’ children. We have to understand who the enemy is and what he wants to do. He wants to devour our homes. He wants to devour this nation . . . We have to be so careful who we let into the churches . . . You cannot stay gay and call yourself a Christian.” -Franklin Graham
“You know what the ‘B’ [in LGBTQ] stands for? Bisexual. That’s orgies! That’s lots of sex with lots of people.” -James Dobson
“If I want to just go marry a donkey, is that okay?” -Dave Arnold, Amber’s father
November 8, 2023
Triggered a full-blown panic attack, the shaking, gasping, fetal-position-on-the-bathroom-floor kind, so yeah. It’s relatable to a kid who grew up with the hideously toxic Dobson/Focus on the Family teachings. Especially a queer kid.
The trauma is real. The fear and the scars. It hits every red flag on the how to recognize abuse list.
Oh yeah, fun fact I didn’t know: prior to founding FOTF, Dobson was an assistant of Paul Popenoe, the eugenicist who founded the American Institute of Family Relations, advocated for compulsory sterilization and “social hygiene,” trained pastors and psychologists to follow his patriarchal, white supremacist, homophobic vision, and was directly involved in the eugenics program that influenced the Third Reich. WTAF. I knew the ties were there, I just didn’t know they were so direct.
The trauma is real. The fear and the scars. It hits every red flag on the how to recognize abuse list.
Oh yeah, fun fact I didn’t know: prior to founding FOTF, Dobson was an assistant of Paul Popenoe, the eugenicist who founded the American Institute of Family Relations, advocated for compulsory sterilization and “social hygiene,” trained pastors and psychologists to follow his patriarchal, white supremacist, homophobic vision, and was directly involved in the eugenics program that influenced the Third Reich. WTAF. I knew the ties were there, I just didn’t know they were so direct.
December 12, 2023
What happens when the daughter of a high-status employee of one America’s largest and most powerful right-wing religious lobby groups comes out as gay? The author decidedly did not deserve the pariah status she was given by her formerly loving and involved family. OUT OF FOCUS is a heartrending and thought-provoking memoir.
August 14, 2023
*An ARC was provided by the publisher in exchange for an honest review*
When I read the introduction, and Amber shared that her father was Dave Arnold, the director of Adventures in Odyssey, my entire childhood flashed before my eyes. I'm well into young adulthood and the tumultuous world of my early 20s now, and I almost forgot how Focus on the Family and their self-declarative "family values" had such a chokehold on my world back then.
I was homeschooled under religious exemption to be sheltered from the secular world and the influence of Satan on the American public school system. Shit you not- these are words I heard verbatim as a kid and words I and many of my friends grew up believing. I still know people who believe these words and pray for me to return to myself and God by giving up secular notions like modern dating or building a career as a woman. After all, who needs a career when God will provide you with a husband and household to run if only you believe and pray hard enough?
Amber's story was very similar to my own. Late firsts delayed by crippling religious guilt and shame. Conviction that mental health issues stemmed from a lack of faith in God and not abnormal brain chemistry, let alone PTSD from being told that the world was going to boil and burn on a weekly basis. Amber tackles the toxicity of the brand of Christianity we were raised under and how hard it was to escape when we felt like saving ourselves was simultaneously condemning us to hell.
I wrote at the top of this review that I received this title in exchange for an honest review. It's a bit hard to be objective about something so moving and personal, especially considering how deeply I related to Amber and her journey. Regardless, if you see a little bit of yourself in this review, or in the synopsis of the book, I highly recommend grabbing a copy and a box of tissues. This book healed some wounds I didn't realize I still had.
Thank you, Amber, for being brave enough to share all of this and for creating a space for the rest of us to feel seen.
When I read the introduction, and Amber shared that her father was Dave Arnold, the director of Adventures in Odyssey, my entire childhood flashed before my eyes. I'm well into young adulthood and the tumultuous world of my early 20s now, and I almost forgot how Focus on the Family and their self-declarative "family values" had such a chokehold on my world back then.
I was homeschooled under religious exemption to be sheltered from the secular world and the influence of Satan on the American public school system. Shit you not- these are words I heard verbatim as a kid and words I and many of my friends grew up believing. I still know people who believe these words and pray for me to return to myself and God by giving up secular notions like modern dating or building a career as a woman. After all, who needs a career when God will provide you with a husband and household to run if only you believe and pray hard enough?
Amber's story was very similar to my own. Late firsts delayed by crippling religious guilt and shame. Conviction that mental health issues stemmed from a lack of faith in God and not abnormal brain chemistry, let alone PTSD from being told that the world was going to boil and burn on a weekly basis. Amber tackles the toxicity of the brand of Christianity we were raised under and how hard it was to escape when we felt like saving ourselves was simultaneously condemning us to hell.
I wrote at the top of this review that I received this title in exchange for an honest review. It's a bit hard to be objective about something so moving and personal, especially considering how deeply I related to Amber and her journey. Regardless, if you see a little bit of yourself in this review, or in the synopsis of the book, I highly recommend grabbing a copy and a box of tissues. This book healed some wounds I didn't realize I still had.
Thank you, Amber, for being brave enough to share all of this and for creating a space for the rest of us to feel seen.
July 26, 2024
I'm glad Amber wrote this book. I wish she didn't have to. I wish she, like so many of us, did not have to live through such traumatizing theology and the actions taken out of that. Huge content warning for sexual assault, abuse, self-harm and suicide, and of course horrible homophobia, including "conversion therapy." I might go as far as to say that if you are also queer and have trauma from similar experiences, you might not want to read this book. It was difficult for me to get through at times because of all that resonates with me and all it brings up for me.
The people I want to read this book are the parents, mentors, teachers, and friends of queer people - the ones who are still holding onto theology that is literally killing LGBTQ+ people every day. I need them to read it with an open heart. I need them to understand that their theology, based on bad interpretation of the Bible, is deeply harmful, at best. (Not to mention the mistranslation/insertion of the word "homosexual" that was not even in the Bible! And they didn't even have our same understanding of being gay or queer back then as we do today!) But the good news is, they don't have to hold onto that horrible theology! It is NOT from God! They can let it go!
Oh, another content warning, as another reviewer brought up: Amber's father was a bigshot at Focus on the Family, and founder James Dobson, prior to starting Focus on the Family, was an assistant of Paul Popenoe, the eugenicist who founded the American Institute of Family Relations, advocated for compulsory sterilization and “social hygiene,” trained pastors and psychologists to follow his patriarchal, white supremacist, homophobic vision, and was directly involved in the eugenics program that influenced the Third Reich!!! So horrible! Rotten fruit from rotten theology.
So if you can read this book without being further traumatized, she does offer a raw, courageous account of navigating sexuality, shame, and the deeply harmful impact of Evangelical theology. Through her vulnerability, Amber sheds light on the struggle for acceptance and healing within conservative Christian communities. It’s a powerful memoir that encourages empathy, understanding, and self-acceptance.
The people I want to read this book are the parents, mentors, teachers, and friends of queer people - the ones who are still holding onto theology that is literally killing LGBTQ+ people every day. I need them to read it with an open heart. I need them to understand that their theology, based on bad interpretation of the Bible, is deeply harmful, at best. (Not to mention the mistranslation/insertion of the word "homosexual" that was not even in the Bible! And they didn't even have our same understanding of being gay or queer back then as we do today!) But the good news is, they don't have to hold onto that horrible theology! It is NOT from God! They can let it go!
Oh, another content warning, as another reviewer brought up: Amber's father was a bigshot at Focus on the Family, and founder James Dobson, prior to starting Focus on the Family, was an assistant of Paul Popenoe, the eugenicist who founded the American Institute of Family Relations, advocated for compulsory sterilization and “social hygiene,” trained pastors and psychologists to follow his patriarchal, white supremacist, homophobic vision, and was directly involved in the eugenics program that influenced the Third Reich!!! So horrible! Rotten fruit from rotten theology.
So if you can read this book without being further traumatized, she does offer a raw, courageous account of navigating sexuality, shame, and the deeply harmful impact of Evangelical theology. Through her vulnerability, Amber sheds light on the struggle for acceptance and healing within conservative Christian communities. It’s a powerful memoir that encourages empathy, understanding, and self-acceptance.
Read
July 9, 2024I listened to this book over the course of one afternoon/evening and it was a lot to take in all at once but I couldn’t stop listening. I was filled with rage at various points at how the author’s parents treated her pre and post coming out. It was clear from the beginning that her individual feelings and pain didn’t matter and that their image as a family was most important. After she came out, it was even worse and they would say things like “I love you but” and “we’ll accept you back if” that clearly state how conditional their love was from the beginning. What was surprising to me is that the author says she was surprised at how strong their rejection was because they had been a close family, if on a surface level. To me, their reaction was exactly in line with how they’d treated her her whole life: sweeping abuse under the rug, taking her self harm as a matter of their own embarrassment, etc. For her entire life, their beliefs have made them ignore and mistreat the actual person who is their daughter so that they can maintain a certain status and appearance within focus on the family. I had a very strong reaction to this book! And having been such an avid adventures in odyssey fan growing up, it made it even more impactful (her dad was one of the creators of the show). That’s my unedited, unstructured review!
April 18, 2024
When I grabbed this book from Netgalley as a read now, I didn’t realize the significance of the title. I would have been even more interested as I now live in the Colorado Springs area, so although I don’t and have never prescribed to the teachings of Focus on the Family, it still felt close to home and I can see how the author would easily feel isolated and out of place here. The rest of my review will be posted here after it goes live on my blog.
May 29, 2025
Cantorna-Wylde's growing up experience, in many ways, paralleled my own, with a few, very notable, exceptions. We both grew up in loving families, with happy childhoods that were very influenced by the American evangelical Protestant organization, Focus on the Family. For myself, Focus on the Family produced much of the media that I was influenced by in the form of radio programs (for those of you who don't know, a radio programs is like a curated podcast and music playlist, where you pick the station and they pick the content) and movies; they also put out a lot of parenting resources, political opinions and were very much in line with the church I spent a lot of time in all growing up.
Cantorna-Wylde had everything I had, but her dad was executive producer for Adventures in Odyssey, Focus on the Family's weekly radio drama for kid, which I listened to religiously. Also, while we grew up in very similar cultures, because the culture was paternalostic and very conservative, my experience as a cis male was vastly disparate to hers as a gay female, to the point where she was eventually disowned by her family.
I was shocked, through the course of this book, how much of her growing up experience I connected to, and then I was heart broken by her slow, painful experience of coming out, and being rejected by the family and community that she loved so deeply.
If you happened to grow up in a similar situation, you will be, as I was, transported vividly back to childhood, and if you've never experienced growing up in a Focus on the Family culture, then this book may serve as an insightful look behind the curtain.
I so appreciate the vulnerability and generosity that it took to write and share such a story.
Cantorna-Wylde had everything I had, but her dad was executive producer for Adventures in Odyssey, Focus on the Family's weekly radio drama for kid, which I listened to religiously. Also, while we grew up in very similar cultures, because the culture was paternalostic and very conservative, my experience as a cis male was vastly disparate to hers as a gay female, to the point where she was eventually disowned by her family.
I was shocked, through the course of this book, how much of her growing up experience I connected to, and then I was heart broken by her slow, painful experience of coming out, and being rejected by the family and community that she loved so deeply.
If you happened to grow up in a similar situation, you will be, as I was, transported vividly back to childhood, and if you've never experienced growing up in a Focus on the Family culture, then this book may serve as an insightful look behind the curtain.
I so appreciate the vulnerability and generosity that it took to write and share such a story.
November 27, 2023
*3.25/5
Out of Focus is a memoir that guides the reader through the author’s journey of healing and self-acceptance. Coming from a household headed by a focus on the family employee, Amber Cantorna-Wylde was taught evangelical Christian values that resulted in years of self-harm and suppression of her true self.
This memoir is open and honest. Amber shares her vulnerable story surrounding family, faith, and love.
Stylistically, there’s elements of this that I didn’t enjoy, but that didn’t take away from the story being written.
Out of Focus is a memoir that guides the reader through the author’s journey of healing and self-acceptance. Coming from a household headed by a focus on the family employee, Amber Cantorna-Wylde was taught evangelical Christian values that resulted in years of self-harm and suppression of her true self.
This memoir is open and honest. Amber shares her vulnerable story surrounding family, faith, and love.
Stylistically, there’s elements of this that I didn’t enjoy, but that didn’t take away from the story being written.
June 20, 2024
As a queer person who grew up in the Focus on the Family sphere, I feel so seen by this memoir.
June 18, 2025
credit to the author for being brave enough to write such a vulnerable and honest book
Read
December 19, 2023A very good perspective to hear.
November 18, 2023
Such an interesting and informative book. Following the happenings and events over Amber's life held my interest to a point I could not put the book down. It was sad and frustrating to read about the rejection of her family and Christian friends just due to her being herself. It certainly teaches us to focus on being loving and accepting of all people, especially since we know that God is that way. We are all different, but diversity is a good thing. We all need to be true to the way God made us to be and to allow others to do the same.
July 26, 2023
Title: Out of Focus: My Story of Sexuality, Shame, and Toxic Evangelicalism
Author: Amber Cantorna-Wylde
Genre: Memoir, LGBTQ+, Religion, Coming-of-Age
Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (5/5 stars)
Review:
"Out of Focus: My Story of Sexuality, Shame, and Toxic Evangelicalism" by Amber Cantorna-Wylde is a raw and courageous memoir that chronicles the author's journey of self-discovery, navigating her sexuality, and confronting the harmful impact of evangelical beliefs on her life. This powerful book offers a poignant insight into the intersection of faith, identity, and acceptance.
The memoir delves into Amber Cantorna-Wylde's experiences growing up in a conservative evangelical family and community, where she grappled with the realization of her own LGBTQ+ identity. The author candidly recounts the challenges she faced as she tried to reconcile her faith and sexual orientation, highlighting the internal struggle and external pressure she endured.
Amber's writing is both honest and eloquent, as she shares her most vulnerable moments with authenticity and sincerity. Her story of grappling with shame, fear, and self-acceptance will resonate with readers who have faced similar struggles, providing solace and understanding to those who may still be on their own journeys of self-discovery.
"Out of Focus" also sheds light on the damaging impact of toxic evangelicalism on LGBTQ+ individuals. The memoir reflects on the harmful teachings and exclusionary practices prevalent in some religious communities, exposing the immense toll these beliefs can take on the mental health and well-being of LGBTQ+ individuals.
One of the strengths of this memoir is its message of hope and resilience. As Amber navigates her way out of a toxic environment, she discovers acceptance and love from unexpected places, creating a sense of hope for readers who may be going through similar challenges.
Moreover, the book is not just a personal story of struggle; it also serves as an important testament to the power of authenticity and living one's truth. Amber's journey towards self-acceptance is a testament to the transformative power of embracing one's identity, even in the face of adversity.
In conclusion, "Out of Focus: My Story of Sexuality, Shame, and Toxic Evangelicalism" is a profoundly moving and enlightening memoir that sheds light on the intersection of faith and LGBTQ+ identity. Amber Cantorna-Wylde's courageous storytelling, combined with her resilience and determination, make this book an essential read for anyone interested in understanding the challenges faced by LGBTQ+ individuals in religious settings. Highly recommended for those seeking a powerful and thought-provoking memoir that speaks to themes of faith, identity, and the importance of embracing one's authentic self.
Author: Amber Cantorna-Wylde
Genre: Memoir, LGBTQ+, Religion, Coming-of-Age
Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (5/5 stars)
Review:
"Out of Focus: My Story of Sexuality, Shame, and Toxic Evangelicalism" by Amber Cantorna-Wylde is a raw and courageous memoir that chronicles the author's journey of self-discovery, navigating her sexuality, and confronting the harmful impact of evangelical beliefs on her life. This powerful book offers a poignant insight into the intersection of faith, identity, and acceptance.
The memoir delves into Amber Cantorna-Wylde's experiences growing up in a conservative evangelical family and community, where she grappled with the realization of her own LGBTQ+ identity. The author candidly recounts the challenges she faced as she tried to reconcile her faith and sexual orientation, highlighting the internal struggle and external pressure she endured.
Amber's writing is both honest and eloquent, as she shares her most vulnerable moments with authenticity and sincerity. Her story of grappling with shame, fear, and self-acceptance will resonate with readers who have faced similar struggles, providing solace and understanding to those who may still be on their own journeys of self-discovery.
"Out of Focus" also sheds light on the damaging impact of toxic evangelicalism on LGBTQ+ individuals. The memoir reflects on the harmful teachings and exclusionary practices prevalent in some religious communities, exposing the immense toll these beliefs can take on the mental health and well-being of LGBTQ+ individuals.
One of the strengths of this memoir is its message of hope and resilience. As Amber navigates her way out of a toxic environment, she discovers acceptance and love from unexpected places, creating a sense of hope for readers who may be going through similar challenges.
Moreover, the book is not just a personal story of struggle; it also serves as an important testament to the power of authenticity and living one's truth. Amber's journey towards self-acceptance is a testament to the transformative power of embracing one's identity, even in the face of adversity.
In conclusion, "Out of Focus: My Story of Sexuality, Shame, and Toxic Evangelicalism" is a profoundly moving and enlightening memoir that sheds light on the intersection of faith and LGBTQ+ identity. Amber Cantorna-Wylde's courageous storytelling, combined with her resilience and determination, make this book an essential read for anyone interested in understanding the challenges faced by LGBTQ+ individuals in religious settings. Highly recommended for those seeking a powerful and thought-provoking memoir that speaks to themes of faith, identity, and the importance of embracing one's authentic self.
December 1, 2023
Full review to come (when I can find adequate words to express how important this book is to me, someone in the early stages of their faith de-and-reconstruction).
Thank you to Westminster John Knox Press for my copy of this book, won in a Goodreads giveaway. And most importantly, thank you to Amber Cantorna-Wylde for sharing her story.
Thank you to Westminster John Knox Press for my copy of this book, won in a Goodreads giveaway. And most importantly, thank you to Amber Cantorna-Wylde for sharing her story.
July 31, 2024
Must Read
The relatability in this book came from the strictly enforced gender roles, purity culture (to an extent), tough love (evangelical phrase) and shunning.
I am fascinated that many Conservative Mennonites I know have used the same phrase "tough love" and it's a teaching by James Dobson.
Are conservative Mennonites taking theology lessons from James Dobson and Focus on the Family?
Or is James Dobson taking lessons from conservative Mennonites?
The part I always find difficult to relate to is the evangelical portion. I'm curious, so I read and learn more. For me, I've never belonged to an evangelical group. I've never had that experience and often I wonder if, perhaps despite growing up in an insular high control patriarchal authoritarian group, it might complicate religious trauma even more to add evangelical theology to the mixture.
Thank you Amber for baring your soul and sharing your life experiences with us. Your experiences being shared are a gift and a lesson in one fell swoop.
What makes it ok for parents to disown, shun and mistreat their own children because they happen to be part of the lgbtqia+ community?
The relatability in this book came from the strictly enforced gender roles, purity culture (to an extent), tough love (evangelical phrase) and shunning.
I am fascinated that many Conservative Mennonites I know have used the same phrase "tough love" and it's a teaching by James Dobson.
Are conservative Mennonites taking theology lessons from James Dobson and Focus on the Family?
Or is James Dobson taking lessons from conservative Mennonites?
The part I always find difficult to relate to is the evangelical portion. I'm curious, so I read and learn more. For me, I've never belonged to an evangelical group. I've never had that experience and often I wonder if, perhaps despite growing up in an insular high control patriarchal authoritarian group, it might complicate religious trauma even more to add evangelical theology to the mixture.
Thank you Amber for baring your soul and sharing your life experiences with us. Your experiences being shared are a gift and a lesson in one fell swoop.
What makes it ok for parents to disown, shun and mistreat their own children because they happen to be part of the lgbtqia+ community?
October 11, 2023
I grew up listening to Adventures in Odyssey and Focus on the Family was a large part of my life. But Amber Cantorna-Wylde REALLY lived it. Memoirs that portray living family members in a negative light are always tough to read; that being said, the author walked that line of tenderness quite well. I think this book can be helpful to a number of people who have left or are leaving evangelicalism, regardless of whether or not LGBTQIA+ sexuality is part of their story.
*I received an electronic ARC from the publisher via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.*
*I received an electronic ARC from the publisher via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.*
March 11, 2024
I don’t remember exactly when it was that I learned the truth about Focus on the Family. What I do remember is that it was before I had any idea I was a lesbian, and that very organization is part of the reason it took me so long to come to that conclusion. Still, when I found out exactly what they stood for, I felt betrayed for a reason I couldn’t yet understand.
My parents had received magazines from Focus on the Family for as long as I could remember. When I got old enough, my sister and I received their kids’ magazine, Clubhouse. Inside, among other things, were references to the Adventures in Odyssey radio show, which the author of this book's father worked on. For whatever reason, we never actually listened to it, but the moral of the story is that FotF had a foothold in my life. Saying this now, I am at once making ties between the values the author described and certain interactions with my parents, and now I’m almost certain those ideas must have come directly from FotF.
In my early teens, there were a couple of books about purity that my mom read with my sister and me. One included a journal where we would answer questions related to the reading. They even bought us purity rings. For whatever reason, while I later found my sister’s in her jewelry box, I never got mine, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it was because my sister eventually began dating and I did not. Maybe they knew something I didn’t. I also remember riding home from a music lesson with my father, who usually did not transport me to and from such things. All of a sudden, he started talking about how the highest responsibility a woman could have for Christ was having children because if Christians didn’t have more children, other religions would surpass us in number. It shocked me deeply. And I can’t even bear to type some of the things I was told about gay people.
With time, my parents’ connection to these ideas has lessened. It has been years since a FotF magazine arrived at our house. My father, a lifelong Republican, has turned away from most of the Republican candidates. And when it came time for me to come out, I was only a little afraid I’d lose everything.
But the fear was still there. The damage was still done. I spent 22 years of my life in the closet, most of them in the closet to myself too, because for so long I felt that I wasn’t even allowed to think about homosexuality as a concept, interact with media about it, associate with people who were gay, and most certainly not be gay myself. When my feelings and doubts began to assert themselves, I would beat them down, fearing that if I allowed them to persist, something bad would happen to me, some sort of cosmic retribution. As such, getting to a point where I was really exploring that part of myself and not fearing that an important concert was going to be a failure as a result was huge for me.
Months later, I would come out as an act of love, and at first, it was difficult. While I wasn’t kicked out or yelled at or disowned or necessarily preached at, the response threatened to overshadow a time in my life that should have only been marked by joy. All of that pain began to drain away as soon as I was in my girlfriend’s arms, and experiencing this love has been an integral part of my healing. Still, I resent the ways in which these ideas tried to dull one of the most beautiful things in my life.
So that’s my story, and frankly, as bad as it was at times, it’s nothing compared to the struggle for so many. It can be hard for people raised outside of a religious bubble to understand exactly how soul-crushing it can be, although religious influence certainly poisons those outside of that bubble as members of a society governed by it. For that reason, I’m grateful that the author has chosen to share her own story, as difficult as it is. It is proof of our resilience, proof of the fact that we really can be anyone, anywhere, and a window into the life of those raised under Evangelical influence that many would benefit from peeking into. Thanks to NetGalley for allowing me to access this eARC in exchange for an honest review!
My parents had received magazines from Focus on the Family for as long as I could remember. When I got old enough, my sister and I received their kids’ magazine, Clubhouse. Inside, among other things, were references to the Adventures in Odyssey radio show, which the author of this book's father worked on. For whatever reason, we never actually listened to it, but the moral of the story is that FotF had a foothold in my life. Saying this now, I am at once making ties between the values the author described and certain interactions with my parents, and now I’m almost certain those ideas must have come directly from FotF.
In my early teens, there were a couple of books about purity that my mom read with my sister and me. One included a journal where we would answer questions related to the reading. They even bought us purity rings. For whatever reason, while I later found my sister’s in her jewelry box, I never got mine, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it was because my sister eventually began dating and I did not. Maybe they knew something I didn’t. I also remember riding home from a music lesson with my father, who usually did not transport me to and from such things. All of a sudden, he started talking about how the highest responsibility a woman could have for Christ was having children because if Christians didn’t have more children, other religions would surpass us in number. It shocked me deeply. And I can’t even bear to type some of the things I was told about gay people.
With time, my parents’ connection to these ideas has lessened. It has been years since a FotF magazine arrived at our house. My father, a lifelong Republican, has turned away from most of the Republican candidates. And when it came time for me to come out, I was only a little afraid I’d lose everything.
But the fear was still there. The damage was still done. I spent 22 years of my life in the closet, most of them in the closet to myself too, because for so long I felt that I wasn’t even allowed to think about homosexuality as a concept, interact with media about it, associate with people who were gay, and most certainly not be gay myself. When my feelings and doubts began to assert themselves, I would beat them down, fearing that if I allowed them to persist, something bad would happen to me, some sort of cosmic retribution. As such, getting to a point where I was really exploring that part of myself and not fearing that an important concert was going to be a failure as a result was huge for me.
Months later, I would come out as an act of love, and at first, it was difficult. While I wasn’t kicked out or yelled at or disowned or necessarily preached at, the response threatened to overshadow a time in my life that should have only been marked by joy. All of that pain began to drain away as soon as I was in my girlfriend’s arms, and experiencing this love has been an integral part of my healing. Still, I resent the ways in which these ideas tried to dull one of the most beautiful things in my life.
So that’s my story, and frankly, as bad as it was at times, it’s nothing compared to the struggle for so many. It can be hard for people raised outside of a religious bubble to understand exactly how soul-crushing it can be, although religious influence certainly poisons those outside of that bubble as members of a society governed by it. For that reason, I’m grateful that the author has chosen to share her own story, as difficult as it is. It is proof of our resilience, proof of the fact that we really can be anyone, anywhere, and a window into the life of those raised under Evangelical influence that many would benefit from peeking into. Thanks to NetGalley for allowing me to access this eARC in exchange for an honest review!
August 6, 2024
*Recieved for free from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review*
Thank you to both the author and NetGalley for letting me read a free digital copy of this book. This has not altered my review in any way.
It feels strange to give a star rating to someone's life story, especially one as tumultuous as Cantorna-Wylde's, but some stories are so important and take so much strength to share, and are told so brilliantly that a five star rating is necessary. In Out of Focus, the author's story is both heartbreaking and powerful at the same time, and it was a privilege to get to read about her life in her own words. From the very first page, Cantorna-Wylde gripped me with her clear, straightforward writing style, and she never shied away from exposing harsh truths about American Evangelical culture.
The first thing I want to discuss is the organization of the novel and the writing style. Rather that strictly opting for a chronological play-by-play of her life, Cantorna-Wylde instead breaks up her memior by topic so she covers the most hard-hitting parts of her story. This gives the emotional (and often hard to read) topics the weight they deserve, and it allows the reader to feel what the author felt as she was experiencing those events. I also loved her analytical voice as she picks apart why these experiences meant so much to her, and how they impacted her mental health long term. This was very much a novel about unpacking trauma, and while that narration style might not be for every reader, I think it worked well for the story Cantorna-Wylde was trying to tell. Her descriptions were also rich and detailed, meaning Cantorna-Wylde showed instead of simply told.
The second thing I want to praise is the fact that Cantorna-Wylde unpacked her own mentality and her belief-system. Early on in the novel, Cantorna-Wylde states that the Evangelical church's main mission is to impart its biases on whoever it can, and she does not shy away from how growing up in that enviroment impacts her thinking today. She had to unlearn so much shame surrounding her sexuality, along with unlearn a lot of misconceptions about the world outside the church. This was not always easy for her to do, and she states over and over again that she is still learning and growing as a person, especially when it comes to understanding her white privilege and why "label-blind" inclusion wasn't the affirming religious experience she originally thought it was. She does not make excuses for the people around her even as she tries to understand their behavior, nor does she make excuses for herself. This makes her story feel much richer, and much more real.
The final thing I would like to address is how much I learned about American evangelicalism while I was reading this novel. As a queer person, I had always known the Evangelical Church was homophobic, but I never knew just how deep those prejudices ran since I am a lifelong atheist who has never sat through an Evangelical service. I also never knew how racist and misogynistic the church was, and how hard it is for people who don't fit the mold to simply exist in the church. I also never knew American Evangelicalism had its roots in the same American eugenics movement that inspired the Nazis. Yup, you read that right. My heart goes out to anyone who was raised in that unaffirming, toxic, terrible enviroment along with anyone who has been impacted negatively by the the Evangelical movement.
Out of Focus, by Amber Cantorna-Wylde is a memoir of one woman's quest for acceptance, unlearning, and positive growth as she escapes from the toxic white Evangelical church. Cantorna-Wylde tells her story in an honest, easy to understand style and holds no punches as she skewers American Evangelical culture and the hate that is baked into its very foundation. Readers will be moved by her strength and her openminded attitude.
Thank you to both the author and NetGalley for letting me read a free digital copy of this book. This has not altered my review in any way.
It feels strange to give a star rating to someone's life story, especially one as tumultuous as Cantorna-Wylde's, but some stories are so important and take so much strength to share, and are told so brilliantly that a five star rating is necessary. In Out of Focus, the author's story is both heartbreaking and powerful at the same time, and it was a privilege to get to read about her life in her own words. From the very first page, Cantorna-Wylde gripped me with her clear, straightforward writing style, and she never shied away from exposing harsh truths about American Evangelical culture.
The first thing I want to discuss is the organization of the novel and the writing style. Rather that strictly opting for a chronological play-by-play of her life, Cantorna-Wylde instead breaks up her memior by topic so she covers the most hard-hitting parts of her story. This gives the emotional (and often hard to read) topics the weight they deserve, and it allows the reader to feel what the author felt as she was experiencing those events. I also loved her analytical voice as she picks apart why these experiences meant so much to her, and how they impacted her mental health long term. This was very much a novel about unpacking trauma, and while that narration style might not be for every reader, I think it worked well for the story Cantorna-Wylde was trying to tell. Her descriptions were also rich and detailed, meaning Cantorna-Wylde showed instead of simply told.
The second thing I want to praise is the fact that Cantorna-Wylde unpacked her own mentality and her belief-system. Early on in the novel, Cantorna-Wylde states that the Evangelical church's main mission is to impart its biases on whoever it can, and she does not shy away from how growing up in that enviroment impacts her thinking today. She had to unlearn so much shame surrounding her sexuality, along with unlearn a lot of misconceptions about the world outside the church. This was not always easy for her to do, and she states over and over again that she is still learning and growing as a person, especially when it comes to understanding her white privilege and why "label-blind" inclusion wasn't the affirming religious experience she originally thought it was. She does not make excuses for the people around her even as she tries to understand their behavior, nor does she make excuses for herself. This makes her story feel much richer, and much more real.
The final thing I would like to address is how much I learned about American evangelicalism while I was reading this novel. As a queer person, I had always known the Evangelical Church was homophobic, but I never knew just how deep those prejudices ran since I am a lifelong atheist who has never sat through an Evangelical service. I also never knew how racist and misogynistic the church was, and how hard it is for people who don't fit the mold to simply exist in the church. I also never knew American Evangelicalism had its roots in the same American eugenics movement that inspired the Nazis. Yup, you read that right. My heart goes out to anyone who was raised in that unaffirming, toxic, terrible enviroment along with anyone who has been impacted negatively by the the Evangelical movement.
Out of Focus, by Amber Cantorna-Wylde is a memoir of one woman's quest for acceptance, unlearning, and positive growth as she escapes from the toxic white Evangelical church. Cantorna-Wylde tells her story in an honest, easy to understand style and holds no punches as she skewers American Evangelical culture and the hate that is baked into its very foundation. Readers will be moved by her strength and her openminded attitude.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 3, 2024
Thank you to Netgalley, Westminster John Knox Press, and Amber Cantorna-Wylde for this eARC in exchange for an honest review.
As someone who grew up in remarkably similar circumstances from the other side of the world, the premise of Amber Cantorna-Wylde's book Out of Focus appealed to me. However, while Amber is an exceptional writer who is able to communicate her ideas in a beautiful narrative style, this book missed the mark for me.
Like other reviewers have mentioned, there is a significantly optimistic Christian slant, however, unlike other reviewers, this has impacted my rating of the book. This is not because of an anti-Christian perspective. It is the opposite, actually. I was expecting Amber's criticism of the church to head in a different direction due to this excerpt she wrote in chapter one (pg. 7):
To point this out in chapter one, and then not deconstruct this any further in the narrative beyond occasionally mentioning "straight white cis male Christians" in passing is why I am left craving more from this book. If she did, please let me know and I will alter my review, because it's possible I missed it while reading the heavier chapters. But I cannot recall it being mentioned again, and I did find it challenging to read because of this, as it fails to take into account the importance of intersectionality outside of the author's own personal battle with Christian rejection of sexual diversity (therefore avoiding looking at Christianity with an intersectional feminist lens).
Amber Cantorna-Wylde can write, and it was an easy book to read with a lot to offer to many readers. I wish her luck in her continued journey.
As someone who grew up in remarkably similar circumstances from the other side of the world, the premise of Amber Cantorna-Wylde's book Out of Focus appealed to me. However, while Amber is an exceptional writer who is able to communicate her ideas in a beautiful narrative style, this book missed the mark for me.
Like other reviewers have mentioned, there is a significantly optimistic Christian slant, however, unlike other reviewers, this has impacted my rating of the book. This is not because of an anti-Christian perspective. It is the opposite, actually. I was expecting Amber's criticism of the church to head in a different direction due to this excerpt she wrote in chapter one (pg. 7):
Popenoe's racist, homophobic, patriarchal idea that healthy White people should be the Super Race not only influenced Adolf Hitler and the Third Reich, but it continues to influence millions of evangelicals today due to the global influence that FOTF maintains. The central idea is that in order to avoid "race suicide" and ensure that White Christians stay the dominant race and religion, they should breed as many "culture warriors" as possible.
To point this out in chapter one, and then not deconstruct this any further in the narrative beyond occasionally mentioning "straight white cis male Christians" in passing is why I am left craving more from this book. If she did, please let me know and I will alter my review, because it's possible I missed it while reading the heavier chapters. But I cannot recall it being mentioned again, and I did find it challenging to read because of this, as it fails to take into account the importance of intersectionality outside of the author's own personal battle with Christian rejection of sexual diversity (therefore avoiding looking at Christianity with an intersectional feminist lens).
Amber Cantorna-Wylde can write, and it was an easy book to read with a lot to offer to many readers. I wish her luck in her continued journey.
August 9, 2024
This is a memoir from the daughter of one of the people who created Adventures In Odyssey about her experience in toxic evangelical Christianity focusing mostly on her experiences with purity culture, shame, self-harm, realizing she was gay, coming out and the process thereafter especially with her family as well as her reconstructing Christianity and keeping her faith.
There are many stories to be told from queer people who were raised in the church and this is absolutely an important one. As a family highly influenced and employed by focus on the family the toxic “traditional family values”, Amber was expected to be a lot of things that never fit for her, an experience a lot of people who grew up evangelical in the 80’s, 90’s and 2000’s can relate to. She expresses how hard she tried to force herself into boxes and about how her trauma expressed itself and about the intense amounts of shame she experienced from it. She tried so hard that she was so far in the closet she didn’t even realize she was in it for a long time, an experience I can relate to as a queer exvangelical. Unfortunately her story also follows the pattern of a lot of queer people with evangelical parents who cannot accept their queer child.
While this story will resonate with queer people with similar experiences, it will be most important among those who are struggling with their own sexuality or parents of those who are that remain inside evangelical Christianity.
As a read it was an easy read and was compelling. The subject matter may be triggering and difficult making it harder. While Amber did maintain her belief in Christianity, she reconstructed it. She does talk about this process but not at length and the book was not preachy at all, which I appreciated as someone who has religious trauma and is an agnostic atheist. Overall a good and important read. 4/5 stars
I got this book for free from NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.
There are many stories to be told from queer people who were raised in the church and this is absolutely an important one. As a family highly influenced and employed by focus on the family the toxic “traditional family values”, Amber was expected to be a lot of things that never fit for her, an experience a lot of people who grew up evangelical in the 80’s, 90’s and 2000’s can relate to. She expresses how hard she tried to force herself into boxes and about how her trauma expressed itself and about the intense amounts of shame she experienced from it. She tried so hard that she was so far in the closet she didn’t even realize she was in it for a long time, an experience I can relate to as a queer exvangelical. Unfortunately her story also follows the pattern of a lot of queer people with evangelical parents who cannot accept their queer child.
While this story will resonate with queer people with similar experiences, it will be most important among those who are struggling with their own sexuality or parents of those who are that remain inside evangelical Christianity.
As a read it was an easy read and was compelling. The subject matter may be triggering and difficult making it harder. While Amber did maintain her belief in Christianity, she reconstructed it. She does talk about this process but not at length and the book was not preachy at all, which I appreciated as someone who has religious trauma and is an agnostic atheist. Overall a good and important read. 4/5 stars
I got this book for free from NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.
November 5, 2023
I think that reading this book helped heal part of me. I am so thankful that there are now books written by people who grew up similar enough to the ways that I did, so I can now point friends at the book and say, "Look, this is how I grew up. This is where I come from."
As an Awana kid who grew up on Focus on the Family and Adventures in Odyssey, I recognize the teachings that Cantorna-Wylde writes about. She talks about the conservatism of Colorado Springs, and I can only imagine the pain of growing up queer in that city. Out of Focus is the memoir of the daughter of a Focus on the Family executive, and I think that her journey and her painful leading have contributed to today's more open environment. It's the story of a life - Purity Culture, early crushes and gay experiences, the cracks showing, a break, and a rebuilding. She came out and got through it, and now she is helping other queer Christians (and the people who love them).
For me as a reader, books like this are helpful with labeling my own experiences. As anyone else who grew up evangelical knows, it's terrifying trying to break away and forge your own path. We need writers like Cantorna-Wylde to go before us, name the toxicity, and reassure us that we're not crazy. Confirmation that "yes, Focus on the Family actually does believe this" and "yes, that was wrong of that person to say that" is a sweet for the soul and healing to the bones. I would recommend this book to anyone else who grew up evangelical or who wants to understand more about how their evangelical friends grew up.
CW: There are mentions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts, which the author has thoughtfully asterisked to make it easier for readers to skip unsafe paragraphs. Big thank you to the author and publisher for doing this.
Thank you to Netgalley and Westminster John Knox Press for the e-ARC of this book.
As an Awana kid who grew up on Focus on the Family and Adventures in Odyssey, I recognize the teachings that Cantorna-Wylde writes about. She talks about the conservatism of Colorado Springs, and I can only imagine the pain of growing up queer in that city. Out of Focus is the memoir of the daughter of a Focus on the Family executive, and I think that her journey and her painful leading have contributed to today's more open environment. It's the story of a life - Purity Culture, early crushes and gay experiences, the cracks showing, a break, and a rebuilding. She came out and got through it, and now she is helping other queer Christians (and the people who love them).
For me as a reader, books like this are helpful with labeling my own experiences. As anyone else who grew up evangelical knows, it's terrifying trying to break away and forge your own path. We need writers like Cantorna-Wylde to go before us, name the toxicity, and reassure us that we're not crazy. Confirmation that "yes, Focus on the Family actually does believe this" and "yes, that was wrong of that person to say that" is a sweet for the soul and healing to the bones. I would recommend this book to anyone else who grew up evangelical or who wants to understand more about how their evangelical friends grew up.
CW: There are mentions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts, which the author has thoughtfully asterisked to make it easier for readers to skip unsafe paragraphs. Big thank you to the author and publisher for doing this.
Thank you to Netgalley and Westminster John Knox Press for the e-ARC of this book.
July 2, 2023
Thank you to Netgalley for giving me an ARC of this book in exchange for my honest opinion!
I deeply appreciate the author writing this book. By the time I hit the last part of the book, I had to put it down because I had started to cry. The vulnerability and honesty in this book is heartbreaking yet affirming. I did not grow up in evangelical Christianity, but I was raised very religious, and I heavily related to a lot of what this book discusses (purity culture, misogyny, shame culture, etc.). Also, like the author, I have TTM (Trichotillomania) and hearing from someone else who shares that and knows what the shame is like is so validating. I am currently in a long-term heterosexual relationship, but even so I know I'll never tell my dad I'm biromantic, because I don't want to experience what I know he would say. I'm lucky to be able to hide it, in that sense, but I still deal with shame around purity culture (living with my partner before marriage, for example).
I loved this book and want to send the author all of my best wishes and energy to keep navigating the challenges life has thrown her way. Please know the time and effort (both physical and emotional) in writing this book has made a difference to one person, and I'm sure it will to many more. I know I will be recommending it to others, especially people who grew up in religious households similar to the one the author describes
I deeply appreciate the author writing this book. By the time I hit the last part of the book, I had to put it down because I had started to cry. The vulnerability and honesty in this book is heartbreaking yet affirming. I did not grow up in evangelical Christianity, but I was raised very religious, and I heavily related to a lot of what this book discusses (purity culture, misogyny, shame culture, etc.). Also, like the author, I have TTM (Trichotillomania) and hearing from someone else who shares that and knows what the shame is like is so validating. I am currently in a long-term heterosexual relationship, but even so I know I'll never tell my dad I'm biromantic, because I don't want to experience what I know he would say. I'm lucky to be able to hide it, in that sense, but I still deal with shame around purity culture (living with my partner before marriage, for example).
I loved this book and want to send the author all of my best wishes and energy to keep navigating the challenges life has thrown her way. Please know the time and effort (both physical and emotional) in writing this book has made a difference to one person, and I'm sure it will to many more. I know I will be recommending it to others, especially people who grew up in religious households similar to the one the author describes
July 13, 2023
I received an eARC from the publisher via NetGalley, all opinions are mine.
A deeply sincere and painfully honest memoir about growing up in conservative Christianity - and specifically involvement in Focus on the Family - and then the author's gradual realisation of her own sexuality.
So this is a very different book to what i usually read, and that's simply because this is quite similar to my own story. I was raised as a Pentecostal Christian, and for most of my childhood at least one of my parents was a pastor at our local church as well. I didn't start to untangle the damage, nor realise that I was gay, until my early adulthood. A few years on now I find a lot of comfort in reading about others like me: their struggles, their strengths. We are not alone, not any one of us.
This book was heartbreaking and encouraging all at once. I really admire the author's unflinching honesty in exactly what went down and how, both externally in her community and internally. There's some great commentary on the actual history of FotF that you won't hear so often, and the importance of looking at issues like this from a place of intersectionality. Any relevant trigger warnings are mentioned up front and then clearly marked throughout.
My only critical comment is that some of the phrasing gets a touch repetitive after a while, but apart from that this is a very solid memoir. Highly recommend if you're interested at all in the intersections of queerness and faith!
A deeply sincere and painfully honest memoir about growing up in conservative Christianity - and specifically involvement in Focus on the Family - and then the author's gradual realisation of her own sexuality.
So this is a very different book to what i usually read, and that's simply because this is quite similar to my own story. I was raised as a Pentecostal Christian, and for most of my childhood at least one of my parents was a pastor at our local church as well. I didn't start to untangle the damage, nor realise that I was gay, until my early adulthood. A few years on now I find a lot of comfort in reading about others like me: their struggles, their strengths. We are not alone, not any one of us.
This book was heartbreaking and encouraging all at once. I really admire the author's unflinching honesty in exactly what went down and how, both externally in her community and internally. There's some great commentary on the actual history of FotF that you won't hear so often, and the importance of looking at issues like this from a place of intersectionality. Any relevant trigger warnings are mentioned up front and then clearly marked throughout.
My only critical comment is that some of the phrasing gets a touch repetitive after a while, but apart from that this is a very solid memoir. Highly recommend if you're interested at all in the intersections of queerness and faith!
April 2, 2024
I expected this book to be a rich, but heavy read-- I was not disappointed. Amber Cantorna-Wylde (daughter of the executive producer of "Adventures in Odyssey" at Focus on the Family) shares her experience of discovering her queerness after growing up in a toxic religious conservatism. This book is not only her story, though. Cantorna-Wylde also weaves in unflinching, critical analysis of the culture that raised her. She minces no words to describe the damage that FOTF has done and continues to do.
Cantorna-Wylde artfully captures the pain many LGBTQ+ folks who grew up in conservative religious contexts (like I did). While all LGBTQ+ Christians have shared experiences around religious trauma, she successfully captured her own unique experience and how she came to terms with her own queerness and spirituality before coming out to her family.
She also describes what led to her self-harming behaviors, but thoughtfully includes trigger warnings before each paragraph containing that content and encourages her readers to skip those paragraphs if reading them would cause her reader harm.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn the harm that toxic forms of Christianity can cause. I also recommend it to any LGBTQ+ Christian who feels like no one understands their experience; you are not alone. That said, I'd recommend it with caution to those folks, as it can be triggering to queer folks with religious trauma.
Cantorna-Wylde artfully captures the pain many LGBTQ+ folks who grew up in conservative religious contexts (like I did). While all LGBTQ+ Christians have shared experiences around religious trauma, she successfully captured her own unique experience and how she came to terms with her own queerness and spirituality before coming out to her family.
She also describes what led to her self-harming behaviors, but thoughtfully includes trigger warnings before each paragraph containing that content and encourages her readers to skip those paragraphs if reading them would cause her reader harm.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn the harm that toxic forms of Christianity can cause. I also recommend it to any LGBTQ+ Christian who feels like no one understands their experience; you are not alone. That said, I'd recommend it with caution to those folks, as it can be triggering to queer folks with religious trauma.
December 8, 2023
Important Book on High Control Religion
Amber Cantorna-Wylde has written an important and timely book about the traumatic effects that High Control Religions are imposing upon members of the LGBTQIA+ community.
***Trigger Warning
For the last four decades, the treatment of choice among Evangelical religions and other High Control Religions such as the Mormon Church, the Jehovah's Witnesses and others, has been conversion therapy.
Conversion Therapy sounds mild, but as Amber and other victims can attest to, it can include such things as negative reprogramming, including electric shock to the genitals.
Far beyond when science has proven that aversion or negative therapy does not work to change a person's sexual orientation, these religious organizations are still traumatizing people as young as 10 years old. And the effects of the trauma are having devastating impacts on the LGBTQIA+ community and their families.
I won't detail the suicide rates. Please read this book for the sake of your family and friends, who might be struggling with this situation and be unable or too scared to ask for help. You will find this book to be an important resource.
Amber Cantorna-Wylde has written an important and timely book about the traumatic effects that High Control Religions are imposing upon members of the LGBTQIA+ community.
***Trigger Warning
For the last four decades, the treatment of choice among Evangelical religions and other High Control Religions such as the Mormon Church, the Jehovah's Witnesses and others, has been conversion therapy.
Conversion Therapy sounds mild, but as Amber and other victims can attest to, it can include such things as negative reprogramming, including electric shock to the genitals.
Far beyond when science has proven that aversion or negative therapy does not work to change a person's sexual orientation, these religious organizations are still traumatizing people as young as 10 years old. And the effects of the trauma are having devastating impacts on the LGBTQIA+ community and their families.
I won't detail the suicide rates. Please read this book for the sake of your family and friends, who might be struggling with this situation and be unable or too scared to ask for help. You will find this book to be an important resource.
February 9, 2024
Out of Focus is a very relatable book for those of us in the lgbtq+ community who grew up evangelical.
It's a struggle that many of us who have grown up with in strict religious households. The constant fear and pressure to conform to a certain set of beliefs and behaviors can have a lasting impact on our mental health and self-esteem. It can be difficult to break away from those ingrained beliefs and find our own truth and identity. Amber's story is a reminder that it's okay to question and challenge the beliefs we were raised with and to find our own path, even if it means going against what we were taught. Her courage to speak out and share her experiences can give hope to others who may be struggling with similar challenges. It's important to recognize that we are not alone in our struggles and that there is strength in breaking away from toxic beliefs and finding our own inner peace and understanding. Amber's journey is a testament to the power of resilience and the human spirit, and serves as a reminder that we are capable of overcoming even the most difficult of obstacles.
Please read trigger warnings before reading, as this is a heavy book.
It's a struggle that many of us who have grown up with in strict religious households. The constant fear and pressure to conform to a certain set of beliefs and behaviors can have a lasting impact on our mental health and self-esteem. It can be difficult to break away from those ingrained beliefs and find our own truth and identity. Amber's story is a reminder that it's okay to question and challenge the beliefs we were raised with and to find our own path, even if it means going against what we were taught. Her courage to speak out and share her experiences can give hope to others who may be struggling with similar challenges. It's important to recognize that we are not alone in our struggles and that there is strength in breaking away from toxic beliefs and finding our own inner peace and understanding. Amber's journey is a testament to the power of resilience and the human spirit, and serves as a reminder that we are capable of overcoming even the most difficult of obstacles.
Please read trigger warnings before reading, as this is a heavy book.
October 5, 2023
Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for an advanced copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.
While I did not grow up in an evangelical Christian household, I do enjoy reading about those who have. I found this memoir to be very raw and often upsetting. It somehow amazes me that parents can be so rigid in their belief systems that they are willing to break off a relationship with their child. I hope Amber finds peace and love outside of her immediate family.
This was a well-written memoir. The only thing that annoyed me (and I feel this way when I see it in any book), is the use of ?! or !? instead of ! or ? . I know this is picky, but it just strikes me as something that is more suited for a casual text between friends than a published memoir. I understand it's for emphasis, but it still annoys me.
My only other slight complaint is that at times, I felt the author was repeating herself.
Overall, I enjoyed this memoir, and definitely learned more (sadly) about Focus on the Family and their very anti-LGBTQ belief systems.
While I did not grow up in an evangelical Christian household, I do enjoy reading about those who have. I found this memoir to be very raw and often upsetting. It somehow amazes me that parents can be so rigid in their belief systems that they are willing to break off a relationship with their child. I hope Amber finds peace and love outside of her immediate family.
This was a well-written memoir. The only thing that annoyed me (and I feel this way when I see it in any book), is the use of ?! or !? instead of ! or ? . I know this is picky, but it just strikes me as something that is more suited for a casual text between friends than a published memoir. I understand it's for emphasis, but it still annoys me.
My only other slight complaint is that at times, I felt the author was repeating herself.
Overall, I enjoyed this memoir, and definitely learned more (sadly) about Focus on the Family and their very anti-LGBTQ belief systems.
July 2, 2024
I really enjoyed reading this book, but would not read it a second time. Amber Cantona is an absolutely magical person. She reminds me of Julia butterfly Hill. She is an absolute icon. I loved her first memoir and her second memoir had a more somber quality and was just as good. I could see her being a pagan. Maybe one day she will explore it. Her writing is at its best when she is not giving textbook information and is speaking from her experience and personal emotions. She writes eloquently about estrangement and about coming out in an unfriendly environment. She had to make her own way, and it was very relatable to any of us who came out that way. Very moving. She wrote very little about her divorce and about her chronic illness. I would love to read another memoir by her about either of those experiences. It would also be interesting to read a book about being estranged from a sibling, It is when she deeply explores an experience that her writing reaches astounding levels. I am a fan girl of Amber Cantorna and hope her memoirs continue. Basically she’s the coolest!
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