How Mothers Love: And How Relationships are Born

by Naomi Stadlen

Mothers describe falling in love with their babies and then, more slowly, learning to understand them. Children flourish when their mothers love and understand them.
Naomi Stadlen has listened to hundreds of mothers talking at her weekly discussion groups, and in How Mothers Love she offers unique insights into how mothers and babies learn to communicate intimately with one another.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

350 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 1, 2011

Reviews

[Maire · Rating 3 out of 5]

I loved a lot of this book - the voices from the women were so interesting to read. And I loved the various subjects used to discuss such as parenting a first and then adding on a second etc. But I also found it somewhat judgemental at times. The author favours a particular way of parenting and while I would also lean toward that myself as a doula I offer non judgemental support and so always baulk at judgements or any information that is given with the idea that it’s better than doing it another way. And I really felt there was some judgement here toward the end. I think it’s a great book and would recommend it to other doulas but I would be cautious recommending it to all parents I work with.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

What Mothers Do...Especially When It Looks Like Nothing was a phenomenal book, deceptively skilled. Naomi Stadlen allows mothers to speak for themselves but gently, perhaps even humbly, draws out the themes. How Mothers Love seems perhaps less novel territory after such books as Sue Gerhardt's Why Love Matters, Margot Sunderland's The Science of Parenting/What Every Parent Needs to Know but if anything is an even finer than its predecessor.

There are some wobbly moments - Stadlen is very skilled at demonstrating genuine respect for the variety of mothers' practice and experience without stooping to relativist 'anything goes' attitudes, and not scaremongering but just a few times I thought the raw or otherwise vulnerable parent reader might 'take flight or fight'. She does address head on the complex issues around spending time apart from one's child, in particular for paid work, in a compassionate and realistic way. She looks at fatherhood, siblings and grandparents. This is not a game of Ain't It Awful or Isn't It Heavenly. it describes some intense feelings (how could it not?) but lacks (thank goodness) the intensity, the drivenness of so many books on motherhood by journalist mothers.

It's unfortunate that what is for me the weakest part of the book is at the end when she stops using mothers' own voices so much and writes about styles of parenting in terms of Athenian or Spartan - a topic covered better in Sue Gerhardt's The Selfish Society where similar categories are placed in historical and societal context. It would be disappointing if this section was what stayed in readers' minds.

Stadlen's work is with mothers of young and largely 'normal' children. I found myself wishing there could be similar books about parenting older children and children with disabilities because I wonder if the same themes hold true - in particular I wonder if many parents change parenting *style* However, she does include a moving conversation with Edwina Froelich, a founding mother of La Leche League, then in her 90s and as it turned out a few months from her death about her relationship with her adult sons.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

Observational & descriptive, and best when it stuck to those things. A few too many "maybes" and "mights" made up out of whole cloth to be perfect

[Lizzy · Rating 3 out of 5]

not as good as 'what mothers do' and has got some seriously weird stuff in from freud etc I could have done without, but I suppose it's good to know all the different thoughts on the subject!

[Reka · Rating 2 out of 5]

The quotes describing the experiences of mostly young mothers made an interesting read and provided a good basis to reflect on my own thoughts and feelings on the beautiful and complex experience of motherhood. However, despite setting out to provide a picture of how diverse people's experiences of motherhood can be, I was disappointed by the author's own comments, especially towards the end of the book, clearly favouring one type of parenting with quite a judgemental undertone towards others.