Laughing at the Dark

by Barbara Else

From the best-selling and acclaimed author Barbara Else, Laughing at the Dark is a funny, moving memoir about how she rebelled against being a ‘good girl’. By the time she was in her forties, Barbara was married to a globally recognised academic physician and had two beautiful teenage daughters. As her writing career developed, her husband became angry at the prospect of her being anything but a housewife. In a moment of madness — or realisation — she packed her car and took off to live with the man who would become her second husband.With her trademark wit and humour, Barbara poignantly describes her transformation from a shy but stubborn child into a fulfilled and successful adult.‘I laughed and laughed, and I cried and cried. It’s got everything in it except a murder.’ — Lesley Graham, soprano (and totally unbiased sister)

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography

320 pages, Paperback

About the author

Barbara Else is a playwright and fiction writer, and has also worked as a literary agent, editor and fiction consultant. Else won the Victoria University Writer’s Fellowship in 1999, and was made a Member of the New Zealand Order of Merit for services to literature in 2005.

Reviews

[LA George · Rating 5 out of 5]

! omg

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this so very much.

I didn't want it to finish…… however the last 20 or so pages simply had to be devoured for me to find out the outcome of the experimental drug trial Barbara had been on for the last few years of the memoir.

Finishing held relief, sadness and just so much hope. This memoir is stacked with optimism, joy and the simple pleasures of living a meaningful life, it really is something.

Of course we always take things on as they pertain to us and for me there was some healing in her words, she provided me with pieces of a puzzle I have been working on for the last few decades. Barbara is twenty years younger than my mother, her eldest daughter is five years younger than me, she sits right in the space many of my peers mothers are/were. Because of this Barbara’s story provides context for much of the why it took longer for me to develop my personal understanding of feminism and what it means to be a feminist. My Mother was more like Barbara’s mother from a generational perspective and my peers mothers more like Barbara.

Somewhere I read “Else says this is her story about what has been important, her way of tracing the journey from being a good girl to a girl who does good things”. Personally it felt like so much more, she articulates her own autonomous voice from an early age. She introduces us to many of them, Susan her imaginary friend that she required for when she wasn't feeling seen in her preschool years, the brave and courageous student expected to go to university as her mother had before her and then the young, intelligent women ready to meet all her potential. This version intersected with what society and gender norms expected of her and slowly but surely began to erode her sense of self.

However what’s is so lovely and refreshing about this story and her life’s arc is that it isn’t particularly steeped in trauma and the drive to prove ones value to the external world, because fundamentally she knew she had worth. It is here where the book gets really interesting and is what James Hollis refers to as the all important appointment with oneself. Her knowledge as a child that she is worthy of love and belonging collided with the reality of her marriage. The impact of not receiving reciprocal respect and the advent of persistent background feminism meant that eventually she was able to actively choose what it was she both deserved and needed. Allowing the necessary space for her authentic self to flourish and thrive for the betterment of all. Bringing forth all manner of wonderful creativity, fun and humor.

This kind of feminism is what changes things from the inside out by providing herself with the courage to be vulnerable and step away from the conditioned tropes of our patriarchal, misogynistic and in her case hierarchical medical society she gave her daughters a very important gift, one her eldest sister sadly did not receive, and yes it was completely the times and their inability to do any different is discussed with kindness. Thank goodness for the activists among us, the brave souls who wrote the likes of broadsheet. Like Jim her husband my father would not allow such subversiveness in our home. It was both Jim’s and the likes of my father’s refusal to acknowledge women are capable of more than sex on call, housework and bringing up babies that propel us to take stands and need to go the above and beyond to be seen as equal and capable. As is demonstrated in her choice to be part of Go Girls (I'm going to find a copy of this in the library before I decide if I need to own it).

Throughout the book Barbara is careful to never tell us the reader what we should think or feel about what she is writing, she leaves it up to us. I think it is because of this that I can’t stop thinking about it and has really and truly filled in some missing bits. Such a treat to be able to read something that is set in familiar surroundings seen from a different perspective than ones on. I am hopeful she does well in this years book awards, its worthy of a place.

[Keen Reader · Rating 3 out of 5]

REVIEW OF PAPERBACK EDITION...WOULD NEVER EVER READ A KINDLE!

3.5 Stars!

To be honest I've never heard of Else before, but she appears to be another case of "world famous in New Zealand", though after reading this I will need to check out some of her fiction.

Much of this appears to have been written whilst she was enduring months of grueling chemotherapy, so kudos must go to her for managing to pull this off, whilst dealing with such suffering.

There was a lot to enjoy in here and this was nicely written, and all told, this memoir pulls off a good blend of the funny, the bitter, the dark and can be deliciously bitchy at times too.

[Amanda Barusch · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is much to love here. Else always delivers elegant prose and - even apart from its admirable subject matter - this memoir offers fabulous movement through time and space. It has all the intensity and immediacy afforded by first-person, present-tense. It's clearly written by a master story-teller.

The book has parts instead of chapters, with irresistible lower-case titles like "husbandry," "husbandry too," and my all-time favorite "shark goggles."

The first two parts take us from early childhood to marriage with children and a stint in San Diego. Part three opens with a great leap in time: "A week before starting chemotherapy I think, If I'm going to keep on with this memoir . . . I have to read the letters I wrote . . . while Jim and I were in California." For a few paragraphs I watch, breathless, as Else pages through the letters her mother has saved. Then - Just as I'm relishing an intimate look at the writer in action - boom, I'm in a plane that's "dropping lower over the suburbs." Now there's some narrative magic.

Somewhere in the middle, despite the interesting time leaps, I start losing interest. Chemotherapy has limited fascination, besides I know she survived to write the book. (Isn't that all that matters?) She and Jim manage a civilized divorce around the time their children are launched and Barbara moves in with her lover, fellow writer Chris Else. Life begins anew. Her writing flourishes. She travels. Moves from house to house. Makes interesting literary friends. Serves on committees. Encounters rude people. It's a familiar story: success achieved through talent, networking, and hard work.

At the end, the story loops back to linger on a cherished moment; a pandemic-era gathering of literary friends. This move (also found in poet laureate Tracy Smith's memoir, Ordinary Light) is a lovely way to close the narrative. It leaves the reader with a delicious sense of life's promise and fragility.

[Bridget · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's always interesting to read about the life of someone that you know a little bit. Barbara and her husband live in my town, we go to the same book launches, have been on some of the same groups and know lots of the same people. She is lovely! I really enjoyed reading about her journey to becoming the well-known writer she is today. She tells her story in an interesting way, looking into the past and also writing about the present. Her struggle with cancer is winceingly hard to read about at times. I really enjoyed her gossipy look at the writing community and it is always such a treat hearing stories about people that you know well in the pages of a book, quite a few friends pop up.

It's a really good study of how women's lives have changed, at the inside of a marriage, at the challenges of motherhood and wifedom alongside a career. I romped through this quickly and enjoyed the snippet style of it. It was also, as always, cool to get the author's perspective on books that you've loved.

[Mindbait]

Got this out from the library based on first the cover and then the blurb on the back. I've not read any of Barbara Else's novels (though I shall look to rectify that).

Else was married to man who worked his way up the ladder of the medical field but didn't have much time or respect for her having her own career as a writer. She left him and started a new life.

While the book is first and foremost a memoir, it also serves to look at the change in attitudes over the years, from a background that led Else to suffer various indignities and a lack of respect in her marriage in order to be 'a good wife', to a world where she was a leading light in NZ's literary world.

Barbara injects a decent dose of humour and the ridiculousness of humanity that adds some entertainment to even the harder parts of her story.

[Helen Cummings · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this memoir and couldn’t stop reading and enjoying it.

[Helen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Episodic. And fun to spend time with

[Lorie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Book club
3.5 - 4 stars

[Jenny Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

Of all Barbara Else's books, this is the one I admire the most. Her many decades of writing and thinking about how writing works have culminated in this work of amazing succinctness and power. She is also a most congenial companion for the reader. Her life has not been easy and in recent years she has had a devastating encounter with cancer, but step by step she worked through her difficulties and setbacks, completing this treasure of a book and, miraculously, triumphant. It is exciting to see how her indefatigable hard work combined with talent and courage have fused to enable her emergence as a very significant New Zealand writer.

I don't know why the book lists its author as an unknown and if I knew how to change this I would.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this trip through recent New Zealand history and Barbara Else's dawning realization of the impact of patriarchy in her life and her first marriage.