Liberated Love: Release Codependent Patterns and Create the Love You Desire

by Mark Groves, Kylie McBeath

Mark Groves and Kylie McBeath’s Create the Love has introduced a new generation of relationship seekers to the concepts of codependence and attachment theory. Groves and McBeath go thoroughly and deeply into how and why all humans experience one of the three attachment styles―anxious, avoidant, or secure―in all their relationships. The primary need for Liberated Love readers will be for their romantic relationships, but Groves and McBeath show how one’s attachment style carries over to every relationship with other human beings.

In Liberated Love , readers will

―Their original relationship blueprint and discover how it informs their current relationships
―To be aware of defenses, survival strategies and coping mechanisms that keep us disconnected from our true selves and susceptible to inferior, co-dependent relationships
―How to practice somatic exercises that increase the capacity to feel and heal
―How to date like a Boundaries Badass
―How to have conversations about relationships without turning them into “relationship conversations”
―How to start and maintain relationships that allow you to express your true self, and be both safe and truly loved

Groves and McBeath are avatars of the energy of positive philosophy, both individually and as a couple. Their fans are eager to spend time and money on their seminars, workbooks and consultation packages―and will be even more eager to have this guidance between covers.

Genres: Self Help, Relationships, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Psychology, Personal Growth, Mental Health

256 pages, Kindle Edition

Published April 16, 2024

Reviews

[Erica · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has a lot of "woo woo" vibes, and kind of comes off as being a bit like astrology for therapy at times. The book's blurb says this is about finding your attachment style from childhood to help improve and strengthen all relationships. It turned out to be more aimed at romantic relationships than I anticipated, and focuses on "liberated love," which means deciding if the self you are in your relationship is the self you want to be, and either making changes together or moving on.

It was useful and compassionate, occasionally insightful but not quite what I expected

[Rebecca Correll · Rating 2 out of 5]

The authors kept saying, “this may come across as ‘woo-woo’,” and they were right. It came off as immature but I haven’t decided if it was the book as a whole or primarily the writing style.

[Hailey Van Dyk · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little woo woo in places..I felt like I had to listen to it with a discerning ear. That being said, as someone who has both been through a divorce and is now remarried.. I wish I read something like this in the in between. Lots of nuggets here, lots to take it or leave it.. not everything resonated but plenty did!

[Amy Lynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book was like a warm hug for the soul, an invitation to look inward, and do some work.

I have worked with Kylie before, and found this book an awesome supplement to the work we started there. I also enjoyed getting to hear more from Mark and their journey together.

I recommend this book for anyone wanting to repair relationship with self, others, and setting healthy boundaries!

[Bethany · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little TOO relevant to my current situation. I think there was a lot of good in here, but I had to remind myself that I don't have to do exactly what they tell me in order to be successful.

(I listened to the audiobook, which had some extra conversations. The record hasn't been added to goodreads yet. I'll do it later if I feel bothered.)

[Hannah Gaffney · Rating 5 out of 5]

everyone should read this twice !!

[Upeka Herath · Rating 5 out of 5]

amazing - Mark & Kylie get it!! this book was a gamechanger.

[Rachel Domingo · Rating 5 out of 5]

READ.THIS.BOOK.
I’m on my second read through and about to start a book club. LIFE changing if you do the work inside.

[Les Reynolds · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting

[Michael Sasson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mark Groves and Kylie McBeath have a solid enough grounding in things I feel confident about that I'm excited to trust them when they point in directions that I have no way of assessing myself related to becoming a person available for and skilled at giving and receiving romantic love. I found myself rooting for them as they narrate their own journey at the same time as I was rooting for my own possible romantic future. (They have less to say and are less convincing to me when they speak about building broader community support even though I don't disagree with their values/advice in those arenas. I'm just less confident that their expertise/advice here is sufficient to overcome material conditions and cultural expectations -- for two people, sure, for rebuilding an entire communal structure...)

The writing flows -- lots of information and insight but it feels light and not dense. And they have a sense of humor. Thank goodness!

3 This is a book focused on using the container of a relationship to learn the necessary skills to step fully into your individual and relational potential. [...] What's in the way of my ability to give and receive love?
9 It is a journey from codependence to healthy, whole-self independence to interdependence.
11 As we fortify our trust in self and others, we begin to open to new levels of intimacy in the form of sacred sexuality, a well-resourced community, and a remembrance of the other-than-human world around us. This is where we learn to stay in our center and coexist in an ecosystem of reciprocal, interdependent, and nourishing relationships.
19 We want to be loved for who we are, but we aren't willing to show up as we truly are.
22 The relationship they once had ended, to accommodate and create space for two adults with wants and needs.
96 So how do we begin to expand our vision and take responsibility for our lives? How do we break up with normal and step into the wild adventure of realignment? [...] to be centered in oneself is to be free.
101 When you break up with who you've been, you're healing your lineage.
102 The old story that dies as we break up with mediocrity is that we're not worthy of more. That we're not worthy of love. And that our self-worth depends on if people love and approve of us. Instead, ask yourself: Do I love and approve of myself? Do I like my choices? Do I actually like who I'm being? Am I living my life in alignment with my values? Ask yourself these questions daily!
[...] No longer will I allow myself to play small. No longer will I blame others for why I don't get to have the life and love I want.
143-4 As relationship educator Kelsey Grant says, "Boundaries are the high quality information we share with another so they know how to love us best." [...] tune into your body, and practice discernment: What do I want? How do I wish to be spoken to? Loved? Touched? Treated?
147 Underneath every dysfunctional relationship lives a dysfunctional boundary blueprint. And underneath this dysfunctional blueprint is a disconnect from clean, self-protective, and embodied anger.
161 What gets most in the way of deep intimacy and love? Unprocessed pain.
When we consciously meet our grief, we choose to walk a path of love. We choose to let life and loss crack us open instead of letting them close us off further. We choose to be fully in our bodies and in our hearts. Learning to walk with grief is choosing to live with an open heart. This is sacred and courageous work.
162 Judah Halevi: "A holy thing, to love what death can touch."
166 We expected a warm welcome, adequate touch, ceremony, elder support, loving reflection, and a village rooted in the land and myth. Many, if not all of us, barely got a crumb of these things. Weller writes, "Of course, we were disappointed with our parents. We expected forty pairs of eyes greeting us in the morning, and all we got was one or two pairs looking back at us ... We needed to have many hands holding us and offering us the attention that one beleaguered human being could not possibly offer consistently. It is to our deep grief that the village did not appear." Oof, we feel that to the core.
[...] Without the ability to name these losses, we default to thinking the sorrow and emptiness we feel are a personal failure or we blame those closest to us for not being able to meet or understand us in ways we deeply crave. Being able to name the losses that sit at this gate allows us to tend the sorrow, and eventually act in ways that support us in creating the very things our hearts long for.
189 Now here's an interesting truth: often anxious and avoidant people fall in love. Why on earth would we do that to ourselves?! Here's why: we confirm each other's view of the world. For anxious people it's that when people get to know us, they distance, abandon, or reject us. For avoidants it's that when people get close, they get needy. They become a lot. They demand more than we're able or willing to give. This type of connection confirms our story. So, instead of reliving it, let's write a new one, shall we?
191 Now, you might think, It's fine. I'll just keep going how I've been going and things will be fine. F*ck fine. Reach for the stars.
228 As Sigmund Freud wisely said, "How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved."

EXERCISES: 35, 53, 71, 91, 104, 124, 142, 157, 171, 185, 204, 216, and 229.
-------------------------
4 truth's role
16-17 letting the old relationship die
33-4 why masks?
38, 42, 44 codependence defined
45 1st how to: liberated love
65 regulating resources vs survival strategies
68-9 re-parenting --> earned secure attachment
73 what is required for change
98-9 inner and external resource
107, 116-7, 124 becoming <--> ceremony
118 choosing conviction over convenience
127 befriend body
141 safety
149 anger directed inward -> shame
160-1 grief/dark night of soul
162 impermanence
164 grace
165 nature/emptiness
166 grief for missing village
169 culturally orphaned
176-7 integration questions before beginning to date again
178 orientation pre-first date(s)
188-90 suggestions by attachment style
192 dating container
193 relating to triggers
194-5 codependent hooks/unhooking
200 low negativity threshold
206-7 codependency vs sexual desire
208-10 codependent sex
210-12, 215 liberated lovemaking
214 healing sexual wounding in a pause (pledge of temporary celibacy)
218-20 beautiful interdependence -- what I want!
221 lack of trust: my wound or my discernment? my stoic ethics? My recent mantra: people are good, but not (necessarily) reliable
231 Questions re: should I stay or should I go now?

[Hilary · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is hands down one of the best books I have read on relationships, understanding your patterns, foundational beliefs and how you meet love in your life.

I especially appreciate the viewpoint from both an anxious and avoidant perspective and the humility and grace of their own awareness as they navigated this experience.

I can’t recommend it enough. I felt deeply seen and hopeful that I can repair in my own relationships and create a deeper awareness for my future relationships. Thank you both for writing this.

[klokar · Rating 2 out of 5]

occasionally insightful

[Terra Oliveira · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started reading Liberated Love over a year ago, right after the book released. As a long-time listener and fan of the Mark Groves Podcast, I appreciated how I could hear his voice and be introduced to Kylie’s voice in this new codependency book written by two spouses. In some ways they write like they speak: straight-forward in a way that any good friend should call us out, the buddy over shoulder saying don’t fuckin do it man (but with a lot of gentleness). The book was practical, and while it didn’t necessarily introduce many new concepts in healing from codependent dynamics, this book helped motivate me to take an at least one-year withdrawal period from any form of dating during a period I had already been single for a few years. This book definitely wasn’t the only motivating factor or tool that I implemented, but it was one of many nudges I needed to take such a sweeping, detailed, intentional pivot on my recovery journey. I put this book down for a long while during an early stage of grief and unexpected loss, as I didn’t have the mental or emotional space to even think about romantic patterns at the time. I’m glad I took the time to read it and that I finally finished it — I don’t feel like I needed to walk away from this book with any big breakthrough, but it helped remind me of my worth, it reminded me of the importance of walking away from red flags, and it reminded me that dating is not about being chosen, but making choices. While the emphasis of this book was on healing romantic patterns, they rightfully stressed that the heart of healing romantic love is to live more fully and expansively into ourselves, having romantic love being a part of a wide web amongst many support beams holding each other up.

[Cait Herdman]

I really love these educators, and I really hated this book.

The caveat I lend to my review is that I do not struggle with codependence, yet I approached this book as if it would give me some answer I've been looking for. You can liken this to being pissed off that the Big Book of Baby Names failed to help you change a tire. I came in with ridiculous expectations and then was surprised to be let down.

What a lesson in and of itself.

I cannot in good conscience leave a star review because I don't think I received the content of this book the same way someone who needs it would. I also genuinely believe Kylie and Mark have intelligible and impactful notes on communication and vulnerability, so I wouldn't discredit it insofar as it's contributions in general either.

My biggest issue with the book itself (other than my personal relationship to it) was the irony of a book written by two people in one voice. I felt that by taking on the same voice (I am familiar with Mark's work outside of Liberated Love, so it took on his cadence for me), it undercut the main take aways of the book. If I did not see the denotation of who was speaking, I wouldn't have been able to differentiate between the two, which leads to its own issues for me.

At times it swayed too far into the somatic aspect and became somewhat limiting in its definition of "liberation". It was hard to read when I felt the literary devices directly contradicted the lessons they were illustrating.

Not for me, but absolutely for someone.

[Dan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mark Groves and Kylie McBeath’s Create the Love has introduced a new generation of relationship seekers to the concepts of codependence and attachment theory. Groves and McBeath go thoroughly and deeply into how and why all humans experience one of the three attachment styles―anxious, avoidant, or secure―in all their relationships. The primary need for Liberated Love readers will be for their romantic relationships, but Groves and McBeath show how one’s attachment style carries over to every relationship with other human beings.
◇ Thoughts
This book is a great resource for creating a better you, whether you are in a relationship or getting out of one. In fact, I found more valid information and advice for those coming out of a relationship than I had anticipated. This book contains a lot of information. It uses examples and is organized well. This is a good resource although this feels like a workbook and contains questions and quizzes.
“Is this Trauma or is this Truth?”
-Mark Groves & Kylie McBeth

[Jennifer McFarland · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came across this book at a time when I was heartbroken, looking to shift away from insular and codependent relational patterns which were modeled for me growing up, and, as an adult, continuously failing me. This, along with therapy and other reads/videos/podcasts, helped me recognize and let go of old habits, turn inward toward my true values and outward toward my budding community, and find balanced, healthy love, in all my relationships.

Neither this book as a whole, nor everything in it, will resonate with everyone, however, if anything in it does strike a cord it will vibrate to your very core in a vulnerable and life-changing way. If it’s for you, it’s an important read to digest and embody.

[Danijs Boguss · Rating 4 out of 5]

You must be You must find yourself in a particular state of mind to enjoy this book. I was "reading" it via audio book and this was one rare case I couldn't connect to story, message and I'm sure cause of authors were doing voice over and whatever they tried to implement didn't felt truthfull. More fake, commercial, and certainly audio book is not for a person feeling a source of energy from anyone who is dealing with him. I didn't believe their life's story being truthfully pure, more like set for commercial purpose. Message in the book has great value, but mostly for paper version reader. Wish them good luck in whatever they are doing. Hope in years to come time will tell who's who.

[Christina Richards · Rating 4 out of 5]

I won this book on Goodreads. I didn't know what to expect but after reading it I liked it. The stories that Mark and Kyile told were very relatable. There was also a little humor in there. There is some good information not only for those not in a relationship currently but those who are in one now. It is always good to learn something new and from different perspectives.

There were little exercises at the end of the chapters which were nice little checkpoints. I would recommend it to anyone who needs some self-help and wants to dig deeper into yourself.

[Samantha Nowatzke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Have adored Mark Groves podcast for some time and this outing with his partner is really well done. A fair amount of talk about romantic relationships but also a lot of talk about relationships in general.

Codependency surfaces for me in about every relationship I have and it's a constant intention to be okay when those around me aren't and recognizing that I can actually show up better for my people when I'm doing so from an internal locus of control state than trying to solve for everything / win some imanary friendship award to feel connected.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was really interesting. I follow Mark on Instagram, so I had an idea of what liberated love was from there, but they go so much deeper in the book. While I think entirely too much emphasis is placed on childhood trauma (not everybody’s issues come from childhood), there was a lot of good stuff in this book. Every chapter comes with exercises to dig deeper in a way that helps the reader know themselves better and know what they want in relationships.
I received an ARC from NetGalley.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ugh. I wanted this to be so much more for me, but it felt more like it was written for people in the search for love. There are definitely some good take aways for improving relationships, but it felt few and far between to find things that applied to me. I would definitely recommend for people who are looking for love and aren't sure why things are working out so well for them in the relationship sphere.

[Mariana Jimenez · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an invitation to discover the ways in that you can love and be loved more deeply. The information presented in this book, the way it encourages you to dive deep into yourself without judgement, and the tangible steps it provides for healing, self-reflection, and the application of the learning Mark and Kylie provide is golden. My favourite love and relationships book yet - I can’t recommend it enough!

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love relationships are not simple. It is too often easy to forget what love is. The authors have written an excellent book on dealing with all the hidden and not hidden factors of love. I do. Believe that this an excellent book for anyone to read to understand loving relationships.

Disclaime: I received an arc of this book from the author/publisher from Netgalley. I wasn’t obligated to write a favorable review. The opinions expressed are strictly my own.

[Aleecia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book. Some concepts are simple and I have heard before but I enjoyed the way they packaged it up and presented it to me. I really feel that sitting and doing the prompts at the end of the chapters, and reflecting on what comes up for you, new or known things, is quite helpful. I am a fan of the real world patient examples. This book is telling you how to break down your thoughts, patterns and choices, not telling you whats wrong with you and what you must do..

[Kristina]

DNF after 6 chapters. It’s not the book. I’ve been listening to it on audiobook and the authors’ narration and conversations are lively. It’s that I’m in a place currently where I feel like I’m stuck hearing the same things I’ve already learned. It’s probably down to my book choices and podcasts and research - it’s all becoming a bit repetitive to me personally where I’m at right now. For that reason, I don’t feel right rating it.

[Silvia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved this book and their story. I have been married for 33 years and liberated love practices are going to be introduced! While I was reading this book it struck me how many times I walked on eggshells around my family. I started having different conversations, because I no longer desire to walk on eggshells around anyone!

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every so often, a book comes along that moves you and changes the way you aspire to live your life and relate with others. This was one of these books for me. Allowing me to connect more deeply with myself and my core needs while also inspiring me to become more brave and get clear on how to best communicate these needs to others in an honest but kind way.

[Mahsa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must-read for anyone looking to explore the masks we wear and how they affect our relationships. Every page feels like a revelation, filled with insights so valuable that I find myself wanting to highlight nearly every sentence. It's the kind of book that makes you reflect deeply, and I'm already planning to get the audiobook to experience it in another way.

[Shay · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is such a helpful and encouraging book. It's also from a perspective I hadn't expected. If you go into this book open minded and open hearted, I think it could help you, too. I listened to the audio book. I recommend it. The authors read it themselves, it isn't dry, and they have a bonus chat after each chapter. I've been recommending this book to friends.

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is phenomenal. I’ve been engaged in healing work for relational and codependency patterns for years, and Kylie and Mark’s really helped me view things from an entirely different angle. So many moments through out the book that were both mind blowing and game changing. Highly recommend!