Изкуството на общуването: 96 малки хитрини за печелене на симпатии

by Leil Lowndes

Вие сте умни, интелигентни и способни. Как да убедите и другите в това?

Случвало ли ви се е да попаднете в неловка ситуация, когато всички погледи са вперени във вас, а вие изтърсвате нещо напълно неуместно? Разбира се, още докато говорите, осъзнавате гафа си и се сконфузвате още повече. Естествено впоследствие ви хрумват хиляди остроумни реплики, с които сте могли да спасите положението, но вече е късно. Пропуснали сте шанса си да направите добро впечатление. Станали сте жертва на собствената си слабост: неумението да общувате.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Communication, Relationships, Social, Personal Development

336 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2009

About the author

Leil Lowndes is an author and internationally recognized communications expert who specializes in subconscious interactions. She has conducted hundreds of seminars in the US and around the world for major corporations, associations, and the general public, and frequently appears as a guest expert on national television shows and major news networks. She has authored ten bestselling books on communications — most recently, How to Talk to Anyone at Work: 72 Little Tricks for Big Success Communicating on the Job — and is published in over 26 foreign languages. She lives in New York City.

Reviews

[Tharindu Dissanayake · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Do talk about people behind their back-if you're saying nice things about them."

It comes with little surprise that books like these come mainly compiled using solid common sense, presented through slightly different perspectives. Lownde's guide is no exception. But it's always nice to go through an easy read like this every once in a while, especially to remind ourselves how much of that aforementioned common sense we fail to adhere to in day-to-day interactions.

The author, in my opinion, takes a bit of a cheap shot at Dale Carnegie by saying his principles are outdated for present society, which is not very admirable. I think Carnegie's principles are timeless, and only seems outdated when taken out of context. Other than that, this is an okay read overall.

"Sometimes, you should leave your big words in the dictionary."

[EMMA · Rating 5 out of 5]

هرچی بیشتر از این کتابها را میخونم میفهمم هیچی از ارتباط برقرار کردن با آدمها نمیدونم!!!
واقعا چقدر سخته ارتباط برقرار کردن.
اصلا من میرم تو غار تنهایی خودم اینطوریواقعا بهتره.
همش باید مواظب باشیم چی میگیم و چطور رفتار میکنیم.
بنظرم کسایی که بلدن این کارو واقعا آدمهای باهوشی هستند.
البته باهوش هم توصیف درستی نیست چون میشه آموزش ببینند ولی خب در کل فقدان این آموزشها رو احساس میکنم و اینو خوب میدونم تغییر یک شبه رخ نمیده باید کلی تلاش کنم که بتونم در زمینه ارتباط خبره بشم.

[Chris Brady · Rating 1 out of 5]

Awful. One tip was to wave at people that aren't really there to make yourself appear popular at parties. Really?

[Doug · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not normally my kind of book. Not my kind of writing. I got the book for free, as an ebook, and had just gotten my Nook, so there we are.

Improved my life. For real.

It is what you'd think - 96 little tricks, introduced and explained with anecdotes. But the thing is, some of the tricks were brilliant. Not all 96 - but it doesn't have to be 96. If I read a short book and get one or two good ideas that I use, i think it is worth it, and this had many more than one or two. I spent a year NOT putting this on goodreads, because I didn't want other people to know some of my new secrets.

Here are two, so you get the flavor:

When someone gives you their business card, hold it with both hands, and take some actual time to read it, without speaking. If there is anything personal on it like a special logo, comment on it. This makes people feel really good.

It is obvious courtesy to thank someone when they give you a gift or a favor. But a thank you has real weight when it comes much later. So when someone gives you a nice gift or does you a nice favor, thank them however you thank people, and then make a note on your calendar for a couple of months later. And then follow up with, "Hi, I just want you to know I'm STILL loving that coffee maker you got me" or "Hi, I just thought of you because my husband and I were talking about how much we loved that show a couple of months ago you took us to."

Anyway, there are 96 of them, and I think most people will use some of them. Whether or not the writing style resonates with you.

[Ronald Clark · Rating 1 out of 5]

In short, I downloaded this for free and will delete it as soon as I am finished because it isn't even worth the 82.9 megabytes of hard drive spaces it is currently using. Yes, it's really that bad!

Some of the awesome "tricks" mentioned is how you can wave at imaginary friends at parties to make yourself appear more popular to the group. Actually you wave at "the spaces between people" according to Leil Lowndes. She also tells you to get away from "talkers" at parties by pretending you are being summoned away by a friend over the talkers shoulder that really isn't there. Many of the other so called tricks in this book are just devious, conniving ways to manipulate or downright lie to people.

You can tell the author is very pretentious and I would go as far as to call her socially tone deaf. I would have been upset to have paid for this.

[Shiva Nematpour · Rating 4 out of 5]

یه کتاب خوب و کاملا کاربردی و مباحثش درباره مسائل ریز و روزمره ای هستش ک هر روز بارها و بارها باهاش رو به دو میشیم ولی شاید خیلی کم بهش فکر کرده باشیم یا درباره ش صحبت شده باشه.بیشتر از روی تجربه انجامشون میدیم.و بیشتر اوقات اشتباه😊

[Cher · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is one of the funniest books I have ever read; mostly because the author isn't kidding.

[Sander Aavik · Rating 4 out of 5]

It doesn't really tell you how to instantly connect with anyone, but it gives you tips to have more success in relationships. Some of my favourites:
* Look so deeply into their eyes, that you can describe 10 characteristics of their eyes. (color, shape, width, space in between, eyelashes length and color...)
* Make your friends look good and have them do the same for you. (praise)
* Adapt to how they are.
* Instead of "Hi!" greet them with a whole sentence.
* Ask people about their last few hours. Like "How was your flight?", "Where'd you come from?" etc.
* To change the topic, you echo their words and tie it to what you wanted to talk about.
* "What is your typical day like?" can be a great conversation starter.
* When you are accused of something and you're guilty: 1. "I'm glad you brought that up!" 2. You're right, I made a mistake. 3. Pause. 4. Then and only then tell your reasoning or if you have no rationalization, then you tell them what you learned.
* Connect with people you are superior to by laughing at their jokes.
* Avoid fibber phrases.
* Use their name, when you speak or write to them.
* Extend a compliment longer than one sentence. Makes it way more meaningful.

[E · Rating 4 out of 5]

Is it manipulative to speak to others in a way you know will please them? Purists of the to-thine-own-self-be-true school may think so, but the people on the receiving end of your courtesy, deference and regard will not. Communications consultant Leil Lowndes has assembled 96 techniques you can use to make others feel good about you – often by making them feel good about themselves. These techniques work best, of course, when applied with sincerity and not phony zeal. Your purpose is not to flatter people, but to engender their positive regard. Scheming? Calculating? That’s up to you to decide. Although you may not choose to follow Lowndes' sometimes boundary-testing advice to the letter, getAbstract recommends her fun book to anyone who needs a boost in getting along well with others. So unless you are already a bon vivant – or, conversely, a hermit – this book is for you.

[Tuong Van · Rating 4 out of 5]

The impression left behind is not how manipulative "Little Tricks" are, but rather ways being a nicer person to others by treating them kindly. Unlike "a sage telling people to speak Chinese when in China but not giving language lessons", this book provide the practical lessons to speak the language of kindness to others. Whether paying undivided attention to another or avoiding their babbling, one absolutely must look out to preserve others their esteem in a bit more roundabout way. These Little Tricks are very good and the anecdotes are adorable, too. I wish there are 9600, not just 96 Little Tricks in the bags.

[Well of Lost Books · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fresh spin on classic communication wisdom, this book offers 96 bite-sized tricks to help you shine in any social or business setting. Whether you’re dodging awkward small talk or aiming to deepen existing relationships, Leil Lowndes’ tips are practical, diplomatic, and surprisingly fun to apply. I especially appreciated the strategies for gracefully exiting conversations without offending anyone—because who hasn’t wanted an escape hatch at a party?

A solid refresher for anyone wanting to boost their people skills without feeling like they’re reading a textbook. Worth a quick listen or read if you want to upgrade your social game with minimal effort.

[Mihai Rosca · Rating 4 out of 5]

It would have been a 5 star review but let's just say that some of the stuff I found here are too manipulative for my taste.

Why did I like this book so much? Well, let me tell you a little story to properly illustrate my decision.
I happened to go to a venue by myself. It was the kind of social event where you would expect to meet a lot of people and participate in some traditional customs - most of which I am not particularly fond of. Add to this the fact that I am mostly an introvert (though I master the socializing art quite well) and you will get a picture that was not at all to my liking, one that got me out of my comfort zone by a mile.

So what did I do? Well, instead of trying to have an evasive behavior and try to go unnoticed I actually took some advice from this book and put them to the test.


Examples:
#8 Press Their Pulse When Shaking Hands - Still a beginner at this but I must say it worked well.

#15 Let Them Speak First and Match Their Enthusiasm - It worked like a charm. Even more, this led me quickly to find out what the people's passions were

#18 Make Your “Bye” as Big as Your “Hi” - I took my time to say goodbye to everyone in a proper way and it felt better for me and for them

#29 Never Change a Subject Someone Else Finds Special - When someone found some special memory to talk of, well..I just kept encouraging and didn't try to jump in with one of my own. Everyone loved it

#65 Avoid Fibber Phrases - I was completely honest about what I thought of the subjects at hand. Even more, I encouraged honest questions from myself to the speaker. For instance if someone talked about kids I took the conversations towards traveling. This way I could actually be involved truly in what was being said (I love to travel)

Result? Stuff like "man, you're really a great guy" kind of slipped once or twice from some tongues, not to mention being invited to several other private events on the spot. The bad side? I got home tired like I ran a marathon, but I must admit, I really liked it.

[Marit Stokke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Waving at fake people at parties to seem popular is crazyyy

[Tao Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Look at the business card longer than usual. Say someone's name before their title - it sounds more polite - "Meet don, my brother." If you just met someone and is having a hard time with chatting with someone, ask them hot questions that are still in there head. You can even ask someone how was the weather out there, and what was the speed limit. Ask someone about their last few hours. People will be entertained. To make friends, make people smile. Give people a nice nickname. Speak slowly to non english speaker. Use simple words to low educated people. When you bring yourself down to their level, you will be understood and liked. Celebrate your similarities and don't bring up your differences unless you want to alienate people. If someone made a blunder on something that they said, immediately say something very quick and talk about things to get her mind off of that subject so he doesn't feel bad. Transition with the subject you're talking about to another word. echo word and tie it to yours. That's the best way to change a subject. Don't change the subject if it is very important or devastating. If you go early to a party, you will already know everyone that is there and it will turn out that you will have a lot of new friends. Tell the party goers, "I will show you all my friends and you should show me your friends!" Give loners a sincere smile. Your warmth will make them want to meet you. Put a big smile on and wave to imaginary friends. You can wave between spaces of other ppl. If someone won't stop talking, say, excuse me - I really enjoy talking to you! My friend needs my help at the moment! Give loud compliments so other people can hear you.

[Sam · Rating 1 out of 5]

This really is a hideously written book, but I didn't pick this up with any expectations, the book cover and title are targeted to an audience who really believes there is such a thing as "connecting with anyone". So one star for me for reading this, fortunately is was a quick read.

The Good

The author does talk about giving introductions with a name first, "this is Amanda, my wife", vs "meet my wife Amanda". I like the idea of a name and then a title.

Holding a business card with both hands, as if to respect it like an extension of a person. This is true with gifts someone gives you too.

The Bad

Most of the book harps on about being a pretentious and smug person, you're really as awful as an annoying person when you lower yourself to their level. Overkill on a thank you for example will show disingenuousness.


The Ugly

Waving to imaginary friends to get away from someone. Yikes!

Books like this really are awful, avoid!

[William · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a very well written and easy to understand book. Leil points out some great ways to maximize and hone the usage of behaviors that bring us closer and more comfortable with each other. Some of these simple good-hearted acts are spot on, though a quirky few may just come off as weird for most people.

Leil is obviously an optimist and you can tell that she wants the best for everyone. Being exposed to that infectious positivity makes this a good read, just on that alone. There are some great tips as well, of course. My personal favorite parts of this book ask the reader to step outside the box and to look at things more expansively.

Church.

[Brandon Velez · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book quite interesting and helpful in some ways. It shows a perspective many people overlook. A lot of our subconscious behavior and thoughts are taken into account in here, and Leil Lowndes explains and demonstrates how to use them to your benefit through many examples. Doesn't hurt to pick up and look at some of these tips (although some of them are already known.)

[Sotiris Makrygiannis · Rating 1 out of 5]

People tend to score high books and the average is always 3.8 so Im starting now to score based on actual value of book and not sentimental one. Only one tip I can remember from this and thats all

[Carrie Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Ask not what you can do to make them like you. Ask what yo can do to make them like themselves. And then they will love you."
This book was very helpful, although it's really geared towards those trying to climb the ladder of success I'm their career. So much more could be added to this book about non-work relationships.

The basic premise, however, cannot lead anyone wrong: Anchor your interactions with others in pleasure, not pain; essentially, what subconscious impression will you leave someone with so that they will have a positive association with you? How can we do that? By having Emotional Prediction - the ability to perceive what someone is feeling based on what they just experienced, and the ability to have foresight into what they will feel in reaction to your choice of words or actions.

I've always considered myself a very loyal friend, but recently I've had to ditch a few bad relationships, which ironically made me realize how I might have been the type of friend in the past that people would want to ditch. So, I'd say this book is a good practical start for people like me wanting to become better at relationships.

[Mashed Potato · Rating 3 out of 5]

appreciated some tips, but definitely not all 96. this book was published in 2009 so it doesn't really conform to millenials' and gen z's acceptable social norms.

[Elyia · Rating 2 out of 5]

I literally knew all of these :(

[ARenatoMoreira · Rating 3 out of 5]

“How to play it cool or play it hot in business”

How to Instantly Connect with Anyone is a book that includes 96 “little tricks for big success in relationships”, divided into 10 parts with each covering a certain aspect of human relationship. The book has a heavy emphasis on business and professional success, while also providing additional insight on friend and love relationships.

I have to admit that the professional aspect is what actually drew me to the book, and that I somewhat discarded the other aspects. Not for not being what I was looking for, but also for disagreement with most of what’s said on the other two types of relationships. However, on the professional relationship level the book is somewhat helpful.

The first thing to note is the personal approach that the book is written in. It’s entirely written in first person, while the author gives detailed insight (the 96 little tricks) on interpersonal relationships. She describes many situations of her past, from business to friends, and what she has learned and/or implemented in those situations. Because of this, it’s not hard for the reader to connect with the author.

Every one of these situations is concluded with a trick, summarizing the key points of it. Several different aspects are discussed, such as handling invitations, making an impression on you cell and giving your e-mails personality. And that’s the thing about this book: I feel it was too specific most of the time, especially when giving the tips and tricks. Most of the time I ended up trying to generalize the concepts discussed. However, when I didn’t have to do it, the ideas were –really– on spot, which was a plus.

All in all, this book still gives you a feel of the emotional intelligence discussed by many nowadays, without actually mentioning it. It’s not great, but the personal approach is interesting: it’s not common to see an author discussing so many different subjects by giving examples from their lives.

[Jennie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm prone to being or at least feeling socially retarded, so this book caught my eye. The advice was specific, practical, often amusing, and was not the obvious stuff I thought it might be. The minute I finished, I had the urge to immediately read it again to help cement the tricks in my mind. I don't think my days of awkwardness are over, but I think I have a much better chance at more confident interactions after reading this book.

[Dean A · Rating 4 out of 5]

"How to Instantly Connect With Anyone" is exactly what it claims to be, a self help style book with 96 tips and tricks on improving relations with others in both business and social scenarios. Some of the information is common knowledge, whereas a lot of it is fresh niche based advice that is uniquely sourced from experiences of others or personal successes from individuals. It's a good read and guaranteed to offer something fresh or new for everyone.

[Toni · Rating 3 out of 5]

Винаги съм била предубедена към жанра "приложна психология", но все пак я прочетох и не беше толкова зле. Намират се полезни "хитрини" и стига да се сетиш да ги използваш, когато се налага, подозирам, че ще помогнат. Лино аз си признавам, че се сещам и ползвам две от деветдесет и шесте. Може и да е от самовнушение, но мисля, че действат. :D

[هتآن · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened to the audio book, it was great (and hilarious, especially when she got to the part of waving at your imaginary nonexistent friends) .. I'd say alot of the methods are manipulative and that's certainly not how I'd like to mislead people nor is it how I'd like to be treated.. but it's genius putting the dishonestly aside.

[Annika Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was easy to read and I do find some of the tricks useful especially for business & socializing. But I do feel like some of the tricks no longer fits into the current trends. Overall, I'm pretty surprise I finished the book although it did took me longer than fictional books. Particularly love the trick with the business card.

[Ghassan Samaha · Rating 5 out of 5]

A relationship has three main characters to make: L U R. L which is love. Unless you have it it is very challenging to maintain a connection with. U which is understanding strengthens the connection. R is respect

[Groot · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tips and tricks for dealing with people without hurting their feelings and building bridges via empathetic intelligence.

[Steve · Rating 4 out of 5]

"How to Instantly Connect with Anyone: 96 All-New Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships" by Leil Lowndes, narrated by Joyce Bean, is a sequel to Lowndes' widely acclaimed "How to Talk to Anyone." This audiobook, released in 2022, promises to transform listeners into master communicators by offering 96 new strategies aimed at enhancing interpersonal relationships in both professional and personal settings.

Narrative and Style:
Joyce Bean’s narration brings a dynamic and engaging quality to the book. Her voice adds a layer of warmth and accessibility to Lowndes' often humorous and direct writing style, making even the most complex communication tactics feel approachable. Bean’s clear enunciation and expressive delivery ensure that listeners can easily follow along, with each trick being distinct and memorable.

Key Highlights:
- Emotional Prediction (E.P.): One of the central concepts introduced is "Emotional Prediction," where Lowndes explains how anticipating and responding to others' emotional states can significantly improve connections. This technique is particularly useful in navigating both casual and professional interactions with greater empathy and effectiveness.
- First Impressions: The book dives deep into making impactful first impressions. Techniques range from how to present yourself before even meeting someone (like the right way to use social media) to the moment of introduction. These methods are designed to ensure you leave a lasting positive mark.
- Small Talk Mastery: Lowndes provides numerous ways to transform small talk from mundane to engaging, helping listeners to find common ground quickly and deepen conversations. Techniques include how to handle awkward silences, what topics to steer clear of, and how to use body language to convey interest and warmth.
- Party Strategies: For those who dread social gatherings, the audiobook offers practical advice on how to work a room like a seasoned politician. It covers everything from how to join a conversation gracefully to when and how to exit one without seeming rude.
- Digital Communication: Understanding the nuances of communication in the digital age, Lowndes offers tips on email etiquette, texting, and even how to make an impression over the phone or via video call. This section is particularly relevant in today's increasingly remote and virtual interactions.
- Relationship Deepening: The final chapters focus on maintaining and deepening relationships, with advice on follow-ups, showing gratitude, and using feedback loops to ensure mutual growth in relationships.

Critiques:
While the book is packed with actionable advice, some might find the sheer number of tips overwhelming. Additionally, a few techniques might feel a bit manipulative if not applied with sincerity. The storytelling style can sometimes border on anecdotal, which might not suit everyone's taste for a more data-driven approach.

In summary, this audiobook is a treasure trove for anyone looking to refine their interpersonal skills. Whether for business or social settings, Lowndes' strategies, combined with Bean's engaging narration, make this a worthwhile listen for those aiming to connect more effectively with anyone they meet. However, it's best approached with an intent to use its advice authentically, enhancing genuine human connections rather than just achieving personal gain.