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Have the Men Had Enough?
What do men run away from? Not war, not physical hardship, but the day-to-day emotional demands of impossible domestic situations. That's women's work. This is a story of female courage, where black comedy turns to disturbing pathos revolving around the rights of an indomitable woman
256 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1989
24 people are currently reading
477 people want to read
About the author
Margaret Forster
67 books197 followersMargaret Forster was educated at the Carlisle and County High School for Girls. From here she won an Open Scholarship to Somerville College, Oxford where in 1960 she was awarded an honours degree in History.
From 1963 Margaret Forster worked as a novelist, biographer and freelance literary critic, contributing regularly to book programmes on television, to Radio 4 and various newpapers and magazines.
Forster was married to the writer, journalist and broadcaster Hunter Davies. They lived in London. and in the Lake District. They had three children, Caitlin, Jake and Flora.
From 1963 Margaret Forster worked as a novelist, biographer and freelance literary critic, contributing regularly to book programmes on television, to Radio 4 and various newpapers and magazines.
Forster was married to the writer, journalist and broadcaster Hunter Davies. They lived in London. and in the Lake District. They had three children, Caitlin, Jake and Flora.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 67 reviews
December 13, 2017
Margaret Forster's 1989 novel, Have the Men Had Enough?, is an incredibly astute familial saga with an ageing matriarch, Grandma, as its central focus. At the outset of the novel, Grandma is clearly beginning to lose her focus, believing that her father and brothers will be coming home shortly, and that she needs to cook their dinner.
Have the Men Had Enough? is told from two perspectives, those of Grandma's daughter-in-law, Jenny McKay, and her seventeen-year-old daughter, Hannah. Of Grandma's diagnosis, the family are told 'the long-term memory remains after the short-term has gone. Grandma cannot remember what she had for dinner an hour ago but she can remember every detail of what she ate on the train journeys to the Highlands in the 1920s. And it makes her happy. It does not seem to worry her in the least that she cannot remember her husband's first name or the colour of his eyes or what he liked and did not like. He remains in her memory as the subject of a few unflattering anecdotes and, if she had to sum him up, she is content to say he was "a man's man".' Despite these two perspectives, and their sometimes conflicting views, Grandma is always the focus of the narrative; we learn about the other characters largely with regard to their actions toward, and feelings about, her.
It was fascinating, and often saddening, to see such a story unfold from the perspective of a family who have different beliefs as to what would be the best course of action for Grandma's ongoing care. Her daughter Bridget, a nurse, lives next door, and is determined to keep caring for her at home for as long as she can manage. One of her sons, Stuart, keeps away, saying that he does not want the hassle of involvement. Her son Charlie, Jenny's husband, funds Grandma's flat and nursing expenses. Whilst they live nearby, and Jenny does a lot to help from time to time, both find the process exhausting. Jenny expresses her fears about caring for Grandma: 'I want to act now, to protect us all. And yes, I am afraid, afraid of what it will do to us all if we keep Grandma in our midst to the bitter end.' Granddaughter Hannah is incredibly observant, continually questioning what would be best for Grandma; at first, she asks, 'Haven't the women had enough too?', before veering back and forth on the idea of Grandma being cared for in their family home, something which her brother Adrian wants dearly. Hannah is concerned throughout with Grandma's happiness, and treats her with tenderness and understanding at all times.
Certainly poignant, Have the Men Had Enough? raises a wealth of important questions about ageing, and who will care for us when we reach a stage at which we are no longer able to care for ourselves. Each of the characters is forced, at points, to reflect upon their opinions of what would be best for themselves and for Grandma. This thought-provoking reflection makes the novel feel eminently human, and so well balanced; we recognise the discomfort of each of the characters in turn.
Others have written that Have the Men Had Enough? is a difficult book to read, both in terms of prose and content, one which takes time and concentration. Certainly, Forster's writing is intelligent, but from the very beginning, I found it immersive. The story itself was a little draining at times, and one feels terribly for the McKays, in having to make such a difficult decision which will ultimately impact upon and affect them all. There is a wonderful variation to the novel, given the range of characters, opinions, and voices.
Whilst a devoted fan of Forster's biography of Daphne du Maurier, and devouring one of her more recent efforts, The Unknown Bridesmaid, a few years ago, I am baffled as to why it has taken me so long to read more of her work. Forster is an author who has published a wealth of books which appeal to me, and I will certainly try my best to read more of them over the coming months. I shall conclude this review with a wonderful quote by Hilary Mantel, which sums up my thoughts on the novel: 'It is close to life in a way we hardly expect a novel to be, and finally very moving.'
Have the Men Had Enough? is told from two perspectives, those of Grandma's daughter-in-law, Jenny McKay, and her seventeen-year-old daughter, Hannah. Of Grandma's diagnosis, the family are told 'the long-term memory remains after the short-term has gone. Grandma cannot remember what she had for dinner an hour ago but she can remember every detail of what she ate on the train journeys to the Highlands in the 1920s. And it makes her happy. It does not seem to worry her in the least that she cannot remember her husband's first name or the colour of his eyes or what he liked and did not like. He remains in her memory as the subject of a few unflattering anecdotes and, if she had to sum him up, she is content to say he was "a man's man".' Despite these two perspectives, and their sometimes conflicting views, Grandma is always the focus of the narrative; we learn about the other characters largely with regard to their actions toward, and feelings about, her.
It was fascinating, and often saddening, to see such a story unfold from the perspective of a family who have different beliefs as to what would be the best course of action for Grandma's ongoing care. Her daughter Bridget, a nurse, lives next door, and is determined to keep caring for her at home for as long as she can manage. One of her sons, Stuart, keeps away, saying that he does not want the hassle of involvement. Her son Charlie, Jenny's husband, funds Grandma's flat and nursing expenses. Whilst they live nearby, and Jenny does a lot to help from time to time, both find the process exhausting. Jenny expresses her fears about caring for Grandma: 'I want to act now, to protect us all. And yes, I am afraid, afraid of what it will do to us all if we keep Grandma in our midst to the bitter end.' Granddaughter Hannah is incredibly observant, continually questioning what would be best for Grandma; at first, she asks, 'Haven't the women had enough too?', before veering back and forth on the idea of Grandma being cared for in their family home, something which her brother Adrian wants dearly. Hannah is concerned throughout with Grandma's happiness, and treats her with tenderness and understanding at all times.
Certainly poignant, Have the Men Had Enough? raises a wealth of important questions about ageing, and who will care for us when we reach a stage at which we are no longer able to care for ourselves. Each of the characters is forced, at points, to reflect upon their opinions of what would be best for themselves and for Grandma. This thought-provoking reflection makes the novel feel eminently human, and so well balanced; we recognise the discomfort of each of the characters in turn.
Others have written that Have the Men Had Enough? is a difficult book to read, both in terms of prose and content, one which takes time and concentration. Certainly, Forster's writing is intelligent, but from the very beginning, I found it immersive. The story itself was a little draining at times, and one feels terribly for the McKays, in having to make such a difficult decision which will ultimately impact upon and affect them all. There is a wonderful variation to the novel, given the range of characters, opinions, and voices.
Whilst a devoted fan of Forster's biography of Daphne du Maurier, and devouring one of her more recent efforts, The Unknown Bridesmaid, a few years ago, I am baffled as to why it has taken me so long to read more of her work. Forster is an author who has published a wealth of books which appeal to me, and I will certainly try my best to read more of them over the coming months. I shall conclude this review with a wonderful quote by Hilary Mantel, which sums up my thoughts on the novel: 'It is close to life in a way we hardly expect a novel to be, and finally very moving.'
May 16, 2011
It is probably something that most of us think about from time to time, and then very quickly put it away far back in the 'think about it next year' slot in our brains - what will I be like when I am old? How long will I live? Will I be a burden on my family? Will I lose my marbles? This is likely to be an increasing social problem too: with the first of the baby boomers now turning 65, there is going to be a population explosion of senior citizens in the next few decades.
Margaret Forster writes about families, in particular the women in families - mothers, daughters, grandmothers - their conflicts, the pressures, the bonds and the intense love that binds them all. She continues with the theme in this story. The family is headed by Grandma, Mrs McKay. Grandma is old, she still lives independently, her spinster nurse daughter, Bridget lives in the same house but in a separate area. Around the corner is her son Charlie McKay, his wife Jenny, and teenage children Adrian and Hannah. Nearby is her other son Stuart, his younger second wife and two young children.
Grandma is one tough lady, her life has not been easy. As a result she is fiercely independent, outspoken and difficult to please. However she is becoming increasingly senile and unable to look after herself, thus creating enormous difficulties for her family. They all love her dearly and want to do the best by her. But, as we all know, in any situation where the heart can rule the head and emotions are continually running high, trying to marry Grandma's independence with her mental and physical needs is not easy.
The story is narrated in alternate chapters by daughter-in-law Jenny and granddaughter Hannah as they deal with the gradual deterioration of Grandma. As is the norm in family crises such as this it is the women who rise to the fore, who instinctively know what to do, and generally run the show. Unfortunately the men in the family just either do not know what to do, do know but do not want to do it, or are simply in denial about it all. The author has not portrayed the men in this family in a very flattering light, yet so skilful is her writing and characterisation that the reader does feel considerable empathy towards Charlie, Stuart and Adrian. Just what would we do in a similar situation, how would we feel with our parents in their last years. And how would we like to be treated by our own children as we gradually lose touch with reality.
This is an extremely compassionate and loving account of a family in crisis. It doesn't shy away from the difficult decisions, the moral and emotional quandaries that people find themselves in with dealing with those they love. I imagine that it would be a difficult read for someone who had recently seen their elderly parent go through such a decline. Nevertheless it is a worth while read because such writing does make us think about our families, those we love and how best to deal with difficult decisions.
Margaret Forster writes about families, in particular the women in families - mothers, daughters, grandmothers - their conflicts, the pressures, the bonds and the intense love that binds them all. She continues with the theme in this story. The family is headed by Grandma, Mrs McKay. Grandma is old, she still lives independently, her spinster nurse daughter, Bridget lives in the same house but in a separate area. Around the corner is her son Charlie McKay, his wife Jenny, and teenage children Adrian and Hannah. Nearby is her other son Stuart, his younger second wife and two young children.
Grandma is one tough lady, her life has not been easy. As a result she is fiercely independent, outspoken and difficult to please. However she is becoming increasingly senile and unable to look after herself, thus creating enormous difficulties for her family. They all love her dearly and want to do the best by her. But, as we all know, in any situation where the heart can rule the head and emotions are continually running high, trying to marry Grandma's independence with her mental and physical needs is not easy.
The story is narrated in alternate chapters by daughter-in-law Jenny and granddaughter Hannah as they deal with the gradual deterioration of Grandma. As is the norm in family crises such as this it is the women who rise to the fore, who instinctively know what to do, and generally run the show. Unfortunately the men in the family just either do not know what to do, do know but do not want to do it, or are simply in denial about it all. The author has not portrayed the men in this family in a very flattering light, yet so skilful is her writing and characterisation that the reader does feel considerable empathy towards Charlie, Stuart and Adrian. Just what would we do in a similar situation, how would we feel with our parents in their last years. And how would we like to be treated by our own children as we gradually lose touch with reality.
This is an extremely compassionate and loving account of a family in crisis. It doesn't shy away from the difficult decisions, the moral and emotional quandaries that people find themselves in with dealing with those they love. I imagine that it would be a difficult read for someone who had recently seen their elderly parent go through such a decline. Nevertheless it is a worth while read because such writing does make us think about our families, those we love and how best to deal with difficult decisions.
March 24, 2016
This extremely affecting, highly readable novel, set in England in the early 1990s, is the story of the decline and death of Grandma McKay whose senile dementia begins to accelerate in her last six months. The novel is narrated in alternate chapters by Grandma’s granddaughter Hannah and Hannah’s mother, Grandma’s daughter-in-law Jenny. The alternation gives an immediacy to the perspectives of conflicted duty (Jenny) and conflicted love (Hannah), while each also recounts the variety of other viewpoints taken by members of the McKay family.
It is Grandma’s daughter, Denise, the professional nurse who insists on home care, while her two brothers are willing to send her to an NHS or private institutional home. Oldest brother Stuart is particularly hard and angry whenever discussing his grandma, wanting to wash his hands of the matter and always keeping his distance. The younger brother, Charlie, is well off, and his sister and wife (Jenny) compel him to spend money, if not time and compassion, to help Denise maintain Grandma in a nearby house that Charlie rents for Denise.
At the center of the situation is Grandma herself, gradually, then more rapidly declining, losing her memories, losing her joie de vivre, becoming incontinent, growing feeble and less steady, and at the end becoming quietly and unresponsively morose. Jenny and Hannah both do a sympathetic and moving job of describing Grandma McKay as outsiders on her life, and both come to marvel at the variety of forms, emotions, and thoughts Grandma has shown over the years, how sad that her long, dutiful, hard life is not rewarded with more than this enfeebling, ignoble end.
There are some comic moments along the way, particularly in Hannah’s slightly more naïve perspective, and the story—while essentially a sad and inevitably pitiful one—lurches from crisis to crisis with upswings of hope and cheer. The novel puts on display a variety of attitudes and actions families and institutions take toward the elderly, and despite the possible extremes, the McKay family is largely compassionate and humane, if often—and inevitably—ineffectual. It is this “inevitably ineffectual” that ultimately characterizes the care and effort given to Grandma McKay—and to all like her… No matter the good intentions, the money spent, the hours devoted, every family’s Grandma McKay will continue to decline, and the memory will go, and the caretaker will find she (almost always a woman!) is caring for little more than the shell of a former person.
The novel’s title is wonderfully ambiguous, suggesting that in their absence from the scene, they (the men) have fled, the emotional toll too much for them to handle. As it turns out, this reading of the title is perfectly valid, and Forster describes things as they are in England, circa the new millennium: women deal with the emotional care of children and the elderly while men posture, make pronouncements, and stand aside. While this ironically deflating interpretation for the title perfectly serves, the literal sense of the title refers back to Grandma McKay’s own ambivalent relation to men throughout her life, where she alternated between reverence and fear. The particular instances that formed this polarity of emotion are like significant archaeological finds that either Jenny or Hannah stumble across when caring for Grandma, hearing her ramble and inadvertently reveal some previously unknown aspect of her life.
Margaret Forster has done an admirable job of telling an engrossing story, even when its conclusion is no surprise. Hannah speaks of the futility and irresolution as she looks back over the several years she, Mother, and Denise have cared for Grandma McKay, and she makes an emblematic muddle of a conclusion, both affirming and doubting:
“When my time comes I’m not going to allow it.
When my time comes I won’t trust to mystery.
When my time comes I will say I have had enough and go.
That is, if my time comes like Grandma’s time, if it is the same sort of time.
But if it is, I won’t be able to, will I?”
It is Grandma’s daughter, Denise, the professional nurse who insists on home care, while her two brothers are willing to send her to an NHS or private institutional home. Oldest brother Stuart is particularly hard and angry whenever discussing his grandma, wanting to wash his hands of the matter and always keeping his distance. The younger brother, Charlie, is well off, and his sister and wife (Jenny) compel him to spend money, if not time and compassion, to help Denise maintain Grandma in a nearby house that Charlie rents for Denise.
At the center of the situation is Grandma herself, gradually, then more rapidly declining, losing her memories, losing her joie de vivre, becoming incontinent, growing feeble and less steady, and at the end becoming quietly and unresponsively morose. Jenny and Hannah both do a sympathetic and moving job of describing Grandma McKay as outsiders on her life, and both come to marvel at the variety of forms, emotions, and thoughts Grandma has shown over the years, how sad that her long, dutiful, hard life is not rewarded with more than this enfeebling, ignoble end.
There are some comic moments along the way, particularly in Hannah’s slightly more naïve perspective, and the story—while essentially a sad and inevitably pitiful one—lurches from crisis to crisis with upswings of hope and cheer. The novel puts on display a variety of attitudes and actions families and institutions take toward the elderly, and despite the possible extremes, the McKay family is largely compassionate and humane, if often—and inevitably—ineffectual. It is this “inevitably ineffectual” that ultimately characterizes the care and effort given to Grandma McKay—and to all like her… No matter the good intentions, the money spent, the hours devoted, every family’s Grandma McKay will continue to decline, and the memory will go, and the caretaker will find she (almost always a woman!) is caring for little more than the shell of a former person.
The novel’s title is wonderfully ambiguous, suggesting that in their absence from the scene, they (the men) have fled, the emotional toll too much for them to handle. As it turns out, this reading of the title is perfectly valid, and Forster describes things as they are in England, circa the new millennium: women deal with the emotional care of children and the elderly while men posture, make pronouncements, and stand aside. While this ironically deflating interpretation for the title perfectly serves, the literal sense of the title refers back to Grandma McKay’s own ambivalent relation to men throughout her life, where she alternated between reverence and fear. The particular instances that formed this polarity of emotion are like significant archaeological finds that either Jenny or Hannah stumble across when caring for Grandma, hearing her ramble and inadvertently reveal some previously unknown aspect of her life.
Margaret Forster has done an admirable job of telling an engrossing story, even when its conclusion is no surprise. Hannah speaks of the futility and irresolution as she looks back over the several years she, Mother, and Denise have cared for Grandma McKay, and she makes an emblematic muddle of a conclusion, both affirming and doubting:
“When my time comes I’m not going to allow it.
When my time comes I won’t trust to mystery.
When my time comes I will say I have had enough and go.
That is, if my time comes like Grandma’s time, if it is the same sort of time.
But if it is, I won’t be able to, will I?”
July 24, 2015
This was recommended to me by my sister, who has pretty great taste in books. But wow! Talk about a harrowing story about a family dealing with Grandma's dementia. I am now so thankful for my 90-old-mom's health. (I wonder why sis wanted me to read it though? Is she sending me a subliminal message about our mom?) This was definitely a "there but for the grace of god go I" story and I'm not sure I could recommend it to the fainthearted, but I did love the relationship Hannah the granddaughter had with her granny and the clear sighted way Forster portrayed all sides of the 'what will we do with Grandma" dilemma.
September 27, 2009
For an account of the impossibility of dealing with aging family members, go here. Brilliantly done.
April 7, 2020
This was one of the toughest books I have ever read. It took an unbelievably long to finish as I have managed only a few pages at a time. Yes, I took this very personally. My own Grandma died a couple of years ago, suffering for long years from senile dementia. This book was so exact and accurate that I found myself upset after each chunk of reading. At the same time, it was very well written. Almost identical discussions were going on in our family: about what should we do, what is 'right' to do, with everyday planning and scheduling to arrange round-a-clock service, trying simultaneously to solve where to get any help and how to pay all the expenses. Inevitably, it ended with my Mum leaving her job and gradually getting old herself while taking care of Grandma. I identified alternately with Jenny and with Hannah, each of them having her point. I hate to think that it may once happen to my Mum and that it might happen to me. I know that I'm putting my head in the sand but I hate to think of senile dementia at all. It is one of the nastiest things one can ever experience and one can never ever get ready for it.
February 4, 2017
This is a wonderful novel about an extended family taking care of their elderly grandmother who is suffering from senile dementia. It is told in alternating chapters by her teenage granddaughter Hannah and Hannah's mother Jenny. The novel encompasses all the love, frustration, compassion, guilt, horror and boredom that goes along with caring for the elderly. It is remarkably honest as well as bittersweet. Highly recommended.
And yay, I am very excited to find a new-to-me author.
And yay, I am very excited to find a new-to-me author.
April 26, 2016
An uneasy book, a taboo subject, this tells the story of a woman who has dementia through the varying eyes of the women in the family. Realistic, truthful, blunt, funny and warm this is such a compassionate book and yet you sense the author was determined to tell the whole story, to be unflinching and draw you in. Five stars.
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May 2, 20191991 notebook: Good book, angry, sharp and seen from many sides. The Grandmother and Bridget.
February 13, 2017
Based on her own experience, Margaret Forester writes with compassion and understanding about the challenges inherent in dealing with a family member's senile dementia. In this book, Grandma McKay has three children: Bridget, who is devoted to her mother and having difficulty dealing with the emotions engendered by her decline; Stuart, who refuses to be involved; and the pragmatic Charlie and his wife Jenny, whose kind heart and caring are at the core of this book. Their two children, Hannah and Adrian, are also fully impacted by Grandma's gradual descent into dementia. Hannah cares deeply about her grandmother, but is conflicted by the struggles within her family to preserve their lives while doing what is best for grandma. This novel unflinchingly confronts the harsh reality of a devastating disease and its effects on a family, both individually and as a whole.
July 4, 2015
This rings so true, it is hard to remember it is a novel. It portrays a family struggling with a grandmother suffering from dementia; the difficult decisions for the family, and the increasing isolation of the elderly. It is beautifully written with compassion and understanding.
April 22, 2023
I read this book on recommendation. It is about the journey of one family’s mother suffering with dementia. I found it depressing , repetitive & dull. Woman has dementia, woman gets very ill, woman dies.
September 29, 2015
Fabulous caring book, but rather harrowing if you can relate to it. I read it last year as well. Yes it's that good.
January 28, 2022
This was an incredibly difficult read. I think the visceral truth of dealing with a family member who is terminally ill and the toll it takes on the female carers in the family especially is very poignantly conveyed. The 2 story lines - Hannah's and Jenny's - work brilliantly in providing two different perspectives to Grandma's illness.
I read this for a class on the realist novel and can see the impact the life-like PoVs and subject matter have - this is a story that for lack of better words is immensely relatable. The very clever pacing as well is revelatory of the agony, guilt, self-delusion and relief that plagues the family in turns as Grandma's health declines. Additionally, Foster crafts each scene beautifully, forcing the reader to linger, to dwell in their discomfort.
Overall, a poignant if painful read.
I read this for a class on the realist novel and can see the impact the life-like PoVs and subject matter have - this is a story that for lack of better words is immensely relatable. The very clever pacing as well is revelatory of the agony, guilt, self-delusion and relief that plagues the family in turns as Grandma's health declines. Additionally, Foster crafts each scene beautifully, forcing the reader to linger, to dwell in their discomfort.
Overall, a poignant if painful read.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 13, 2021
Well written book. All about how we look after our old relatives with senile dementia. Story told by daughter-in-law and granddaughter. Asks a lot of questions. A difficult subject and a depressing and hard read at times. But well worth reading.
June 29, 2022
Slow burn, not so heavily plot driven but definitely a lovely book. Showcases the compassion of woman and questions the detached nature of men when it comes to familial / emotional matters. A truthful, painful and bemusing at times recounting of a grandma who is beginning to go senile.
April 9, 2020
Margaret Forster's Have the Men Had Enough? starts on a Sunday, at a McKay family lunch. Grandma, in the early stages of dementia, is at the table with her son Charlie, his wife Jenny, and their children Hannah and Adrian. Grandma doesn't live with them tho'. She has her own flat, paid for by Charlie, and is looked after by her daughter Bridget and a team of helpers.
The story is narrated by Jenny and Hannah in alternate chapters. They share their thoughts about how their relatives behave, and their frustrations about caring for Grandma, whom they both love. But love is not enough to help them decide what is in Grandma's best interests as her health deteriorates. Is it better for Bridget to give up her job to look after Grandma full time, or to leave her in a mental hospital. As Hannah says, "is it better to be mad or is it better to be sane and cruel?"
The book's subject matter won't appeal to everyone, although whilst it's quite bleak, there are plenty of moments of black humour. Forster's observations are spot on. Anyone who has had experience, no matter how brief, of caring for someone with even very mild dementia will know that laughing about the absurdities is a great release for the stress. But for some readers it will provide a sounding board, just like Hannah, who at 17 years old determines to consider her own death, thinking, "It can't be meant, intended, that people should die like that, can it?"
It's not just about death and how we care for the elderly tho', it's also about family relationships. Grandma "didn't like men, she saw them as enemies, as nuisances, as tyrants. She saw them as spoiling her life. She only liked women". This attitude had a significant influence on the way in which each of her children showed their love for her at the end of her life.
The story is narrated by Jenny and Hannah in alternate chapters. They share their thoughts about how their relatives behave, and their frustrations about caring for Grandma, whom they both love. But love is not enough to help them decide what is in Grandma's best interests as her health deteriorates. Is it better for Bridget to give up her job to look after Grandma full time, or to leave her in a mental hospital. As Hannah says, "is it better to be mad or is it better to be sane and cruel?"
The book's subject matter won't appeal to everyone, although whilst it's quite bleak, there are plenty of moments of black humour. Forster's observations are spot on. Anyone who has had experience, no matter how brief, of caring for someone with even very mild dementia will know that laughing about the absurdities is a great release for the stress. But for some readers it will provide a sounding board, just like Hannah, who at 17 years old determines to consider her own death, thinking, "It can't be meant, intended, that people should die like that, can it?"
It's not just about death and how we care for the elderly tho', it's also about family relationships. Grandma "didn't like men, she saw them as enemies, as nuisances, as tyrants. She saw them as spoiling her life. She only liked women". This attitude had a significant influence on the way in which each of her children showed their love for her at the end of her life.
March 22, 2018
How would you cope if your mother/grandmother/mother-in-law had dementia? Would you love through it all? Would you put up with the caring but resent it? Would you have nothing to do with her as she no longer recognised you? Would you finance her care? Would you give up large portions of your life to care for her yourself? This interesting book explores how one family deal with these questions. I actually found it rather depressing.
September 26, 2019
Hunter Davies was right. He really was married to the cleverest woman in England.
I can just imagine Margaret Forster sitting writing this marvellous book.
It's an increasingly harrowing account of a family struggling to cope whilst Grandma descends into increasing senility. I know from other books of Margaret Forster her views on end of life. I can't be certain I agree with her and this book gives no clear answers or conclusions but my goodness it's a most excellent read.
I can just imagine Margaret Forster sitting writing this marvellous book.
It's an increasingly harrowing account of a family struggling to cope whilst Grandma descends into increasing senility. I know from other books of Margaret Forster her views on end of life. I can't be certain I agree with her and this book gives no clear answers or conclusions but my goodness it's a most excellent read.
September 14, 2020
This book gets to the heart of so many dilemmas relating to the old and less able in the family and the community. It is heartbreaking, sad, occasionally funny. Although published in 1989, none of the dilemmas seem to have been addressed. It makes me chary of my own approaching age ...
Recommended.
Recommended.
November 3, 2020
An extraordinary book - Forster is such an underrated British writer. She looks at the UK care system and asks all those existential questions we will all one day have to face. It's also a great novel, beautifully written.
August 15, 2025
Auch wenn der deutsche Titel genau wie der englische einer der Sätze ist den die Großmutter immer wieder sagt, hat er mich ein bisschen in die Irre geführt. Denn er klingt nach einer leichten Geschichte und das ist dieses Buch sicher nicht. Geht man aber nur vom deutschen Titel aus, kann man durchaus in die Irre geführt werden.
Ich bewundere die Familie dafür, dass sie sich so lange um die Großmutter kümmert. Die finanzielle und emotional Belastung ist enorm. Auch wenn Bridget diejenige ist die sich am meisten kümmert, leiden auch ihr Bruder und seine Familie darunter. Sie haben nur wenig gemeinsame Zeit, dafür ständig ein schlechtes Gewissen weil sie nicht genug für die Mutter bzw. Schwiegermutter tun. Aber auch, weil sie ihre eigene Familie vernachlässigen.
Vielleicht hat es Bridget in dieser Situation am einfachsten. Sie ist alleinstehend und kann deshalb ihre freie Zeit ganz der Mutter widmen. Sie ist auch die Einzige der drei Geschwister, die ihre Mutter von Herzen liebt. Die Großmutter hat eine Abneigung gegen Männer. Warum, wird in der Geschichte nicht wirklich klar. Sicher ist nur, dass es eine schlimme Sache war und verhindert, dass sie ihre Söhne wirklich lieben kann seit sie erwachsen sind.
Nur eine geht recht locker mit der Großmutter um: ihre Enkelin Hannah. Das heißt nicht, dass sie sich nicht um die alte Dame kümmert. Das tut sie durchaus. Aber sie hat einen gewissen Abstand und gleichzeitig eine sehr klare Meinung: Oma bleibt bei uns und kommt nicht ins Heim. Für sie ist alles sehr einfach, was ich ihre Jugend zuschreibe.
Lange Zeit geht alles gut, aber dann verschlechtert sich der Zustand der Großmutter schlagartig. Gleichzeitig bricht das Gefüge aus Pflegern und familiärer Betreuung zusammen. Die Familie kommt an ihre Grenzen.
Margaret Forster erzählt die Geschichte ohne Partei zu ergreifen. Vielmehr zeigt die deutlich, wie die Situation den Einzelnen belastet und welche Gedanken sie sich machen. Auch wenn die anderen Familienmitglieder das oft nicht sehen: alle leiden gleichermaßen. Ein sehr eindringliches Buch.
Ich bewundere die Familie dafür, dass sie sich so lange um die Großmutter kümmert. Die finanzielle und emotional Belastung ist enorm. Auch wenn Bridget diejenige ist die sich am meisten kümmert, leiden auch ihr Bruder und seine Familie darunter. Sie haben nur wenig gemeinsame Zeit, dafür ständig ein schlechtes Gewissen weil sie nicht genug für die Mutter bzw. Schwiegermutter tun. Aber auch, weil sie ihre eigene Familie vernachlässigen.
Vielleicht hat es Bridget in dieser Situation am einfachsten. Sie ist alleinstehend und kann deshalb ihre freie Zeit ganz der Mutter widmen. Sie ist auch die Einzige der drei Geschwister, die ihre Mutter von Herzen liebt. Die Großmutter hat eine Abneigung gegen Männer. Warum, wird in der Geschichte nicht wirklich klar. Sicher ist nur, dass es eine schlimme Sache war und verhindert, dass sie ihre Söhne wirklich lieben kann seit sie erwachsen sind.
Nur eine geht recht locker mit der Großmutter um: ihre Enkelin Hannah. Das heißt nicht, dass sie sich nicht um die alte Dame kümmert. Das tut sie durchaus. Aber sie hat einen gewissen Abstand und gleichzeitig eine sehr klare Meinung: Oma bleibt bei uns und kommt nicht ins Heim. Für sie ist alles sehr einfach, was ich ihre Jugend zuschreibe.
Lange Zeit geht alles gut, aber dann verschlechtert sich der Zustand der Großmutter schlagartig. Gleichzeitig bricht das Gefüge aus Pflegern und familiärer Betreuung zusammen. Die Familie kommt an ihre Grenzen.
Margaret Forster erzählt die Geschichte ohne Partei zu ergreifen. Vielmehr zeigt die deutlich, wie die Situation den Einzelnen belastet und welche Gedanken sie sich machen. Auch wenn die anderen Familienmitglieder das oft nicht sehen: alle leiden gleichermaßen. Ein sehr eindringliches Buch.
January 1, 2021
A mesmerising read, it reminded me so much of my own mother’s decline and death and similar motions and emotions my sister, brother and I went through. It so such a rollercoaster between rationale, guilt, family dynamics to cover tasks and despair at the unstoppable decline and inevitable, which although also a relief at that point, left a temporary vacuum after a year of non-stop action until we all aligned to new life without the hub of the family being still there.
Also very thought provoking to work out what I would want my family to do if I would suffer from dementia one day, the view of the teenage daughter is so insightful to see it from the grandchildren’s perspective! A great read for anyone with elderly parents or a similar experience.
Also very thought provoking to work out what I would want my family to do if I would suffer from dementia one day, the view of the teenage daughter is so insightful to see it from the grandchildren’s perspective! A great read for anyone with elderly parents or a similar experience.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 19, 2024
Wie mit den alten Eltern umgehen, wenn Demenz und körperliche Einschränkungen die Möglichkeiten des Familiensystems ständig übersteigen? Die schrullige schottische Grandma ist sympathisch und anstrengend. Obwohl die Kinder finanziell nicht überfordert sind, hat ihr Hilfesystem nicht für alle Situationen eine Lösung.
Hier wird ganz nah aus der Perspektive von Schwiegertochter und Enkelin erzählt: liebevoll, ungeschönt, teils drastisch. Und wie immer gilt der Blick den Frauen, die alles ermöglichen wollen und damit auf viel eigene Wünsche verzichten.
Unerwartet kurzes Lesevergnügen, denn ich war in 8 Tagen durch!
Hier wird ganz nah aus der Perspektive von Schwiegertochter und Enkelin erzählt: liebevoll, ungeschönt, teils drastisch. Und wie immer gilt der Blick den Frauen, die alles ermöglichen wollen und damit auf viel eigene Wünsche verzichten.
Unerwartet kurzes Lesevergnügen, denn ich war in 8 Tagen durch!
September 6, 2021
I really did like the topic and the plot of the book. At first it was a bit confusing to understand who is who because you just get thrown into it, not knowing anything and just learn more about the characters from page to page. I did like that there were two narrators who had a different few on things. Even though I was really interested in the story it was still a struggle to read the first half of the book.
It did make me think about getting old and about my own grandmother who was similar, though not quite as bad as the book's Grandma.
It did make me think about getting old and about my own grandmother who was similar, though not quite as bad as the book's Grandma.
October 5, 2022
I found this hard going - I felt that there was not enough distinction between Hannah's voice and Jenny's, and I sometimes had to look back to check whose section I was in. A better written book wouldn't even have needed the headings. Maybe it's because it's over 30 years old, but it felt like there were a lot of words to explore a self evident truth - men leave the caring to women, on the whole. And I didn't get enough of a feeling of what Grandma was like before she got ill, so it was not a rounded picture. I usually like Margaret Forste, so it was a disappointment.
June 17, 2024
I remember seeing this on the shelf at my Nana's house when I was younger than the granddaughter in this book. The copy I just read was hers, given by her sister and brother in law for Christmas 1990. My Nana's mum had dementia. So did another grandma of mine. The book is brilliant. Brutal and brilliant. I particularly enjoyed the way things just were. The views of the family weren't over-explained, nobody is demonised by the narrator, only the frustrations of the characters play out. Complex dynamics, told simply. What a skill. I'll be thinking about this for a long time.
February 26, 2017
This gutted me. If you've ever been close to anyone with Alzheimer's, prepare for a rough ride and a lot of horrible memories bobbing up again. If you haven't, this will show you what you should be awfully glad you've missed.
February 23, 2021
Beautiful writing on a tough theme
This is a thought-provoking but rather joyless novel. Probably best read in more normal times, whereas I read it during lockdown and it was sombre.
This is a thought-provoking but rather joyless novel. Probably best read in more normal times, whereas I read it during lockdown and it was sombre.
December 1, 2023
I enjoyed the insight of this story of the grandmas dementia and how it all affects each of the family members differently , very close to life almost seemed like it was written from a personal perspective. It wasn’t something I would of chosen but I don’t entirely regret reading this
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