Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way by Susan Perry Ph.D.

by Susan K. Perry

Based upon the concept of Flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's international bestseller, Loving in Flow combines the author's own experiences with studies of dozens of unusually happy long-term and married couples to discuss how compromise and communication, and being "in flow," are the keys to building solid and long-lasting relationships. Perry uses interviews and recent research to discuss every aspect of a relationship, from the initial meeting through childbearing and beyond. With uncommon candor, she tackles often-neglected subjects such o Dealing with crazy-making habitso Communicating about sexo Solving the chore warso Making sense of infidelityo Adjusting to the strain of parenthood Loving in Flow spotlights the most successful couples and offers readers a practical and positive guide to getting more out of their relationships and helping them sustain a joyous love life that truly flows.

Paperback

First published April 1, 2003

About the author

I was born in Brooklyn and was brought to California when I was 9. Some sharp listeners can still hear a hint of an accent.

After high school, I and my family spent nine months in the Middle East and Europe, which was a life-changing period for me. Then I went to UCLA.

Marriage, kids, back to school, writing, divorce, more writing -- all nonfiction articles to that point -- and then new love. And back to school again. (I do love school and have had dreams at night that I'm still there but have forgotten to attend class and am months behind.)

After my Ph.D. was turned into a bestseller (WRITING IN FLOW), I wrote five more books before realizing I had to try my hand at fiction. A decade went by, revising, resubmitting, all that necessary stuff.

My first novel KYLIE'S HEEL was published by Humanist Press. It got some cool kudos, which is certainly gratifying. Selling a small press book to the public is really hard though. (Especially for an introvert.)

I read tons of novels, blog about some of them and their authors on my Creativity blog at PsychologyToday.com. My two kids are grown, and my poet husband died not very long ago.

Reviews

[Lacey Louwagie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book takes a positive psychology approach, which means that it focuses on employing what "works" rather than avoiding what doesn't. This gives the whole book an optimistic tone, which I like. It's essentially the culmination of the author's interviews with dozens of couples who rate their marital satisfaction as very high. The author also lays bare the blessings and short-comings of her own marital relationship. Despite the book's "positive approach," it does not look at relationships or the world through rose-colored glasses. The relationships examined here are far from perfect -- about 20% of them had an affair in their history, and a handful of them also included emotional abuse or other unhealthy patterns. The book doesn't condone any of these behaviors; instead, it looks at how they can be overcome and how a couple can grow through them. The point is that the couples studied were all willing to push to have their needs met and willing to change when their behavior pained their partner and/or threatened to end the relationship. Susan is very non-judgmental as she examines all these issues, never relying on pat responses (i.e.: if this happens in your relationship, your partner doesn't love you.) There is only one point where she tells you to get out of a relationship if X behavior occurs, and that behavior has to do with a partner being totally unwilling to work for the relationship and/or performing certain actions with the intention to hurt you rather than that hurt being a by-product of something else that's going on. While reading through the chapters on infidelity and other crises were painful, their inclusion in the book keeps it grounded. And the main thing I took away from this book: the best relationships are those that are honest, free from resentment, and most of all, non-judgmental. In short, if you have two basically decent people in a relationship, decency in thought and action toward your partner will lead to more of the same, whereas focus on negativity will take the spiral in the opposite direction. And while I've already lost many of the details in the book, that focus on positivity will be what stays with me.

[Also, she opened every chapter/section with quotes. Here are some of my favorites:

"Turning love into marriage is like having the Unicorn Tapestry and using it as a tablecloth."
"But that sounds wonderful. That sounds exactly how a Unicorn Tapestry ought to be used." - Scott Spencer, "Men in Black."

"It is not true that people in long marriages dissolve into each other, becoming one being. I touch Tom's elbow, the sleeve of his tan jacket; he places his long arms around me and his hands cup my breasts in the friendliest possible way. We are two people in a snapshot, but with a little cropping we could each exist on our own. But that's not what we want. Hold the frame still, contain us, the two of us together, that's what we ask for. This is all it takes to keep the world from exploding." - Carol Shields, "Unless."

[JP · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is no breakthrough, but it is a solid review of concepts worth considering. The concept of flow was subtle, reflecting more of the traditional sense rather than Csikszentmihalyi's.