I had three main issues: the plot, the characters, and the writing. If that seems like I had issues with everything in the book, well, that should give you an idea of why I rated it so low. I will start by saying that I was actually very excited for HTFAMG, as I’ve been following the author on social media since before she got a book deal, so this was a massive letdown.
THE PLOT: The first third of this book was decent— I had some minor issues with the writing and the characters, which I’ll get to later, but the mystery at least was very intriguing, and the vibes were great. The second third was, to put it gently, hard to get through. Pretty much no ground is covered, as Iris spends most of it in an uninteresting internal conflict about how she just can’t bear to let people in. She and her detective agency go in circle after circle, gathering a tiny piece of evidence each time, but being unable to make even the simplest of connections about the evidence’s meaning. It wasn’t interesting to read at all, but if the final third of the book had resolved the mystery in an interesting way, I would have been more gracious about it. The ending, in which the mystery is unraveled and the villain is revealed, is one of the worst endings to any mystery I have ever read. I probably wouldn’t say that if the second third had been anything but slow and boring, but as it is the last two thirds of the novel create the perfect storm of “why did I read this?” I kid you not when I say that Iris does pretty much none of the detective work to actually solve the case. Like the case is completely solved by someone else. And when we get a cartoon villain monologue the likes of which even Scooby Doo would roll his eyes at, I had to resist the urge to throw the book across the room. If I weren’t reading on my phone, I probably would have. Looking back on the twist and the ‘foreshadowing’ (putting foreshadowing in quotes because I don’t think it’s good), I’m left shrugging my shoulders and going “I guess it kind of makes logical sense.” Which is not what you want to be saying when you finish reading a mystery. There were several different routes the author easily could have taken that would have made HTFAMG not only not a complete letdown, but maybe even good. However, this would be hard to do without fixing issue 2: The Characters
THE CHARACTERS
As a lesbian myself, hell, as the leader of my school’s GSA group, I need you to know that I mean it in the most queer-positive way when I say “there is more to a character than what sexuality and gender they identify as and their primary hobby”. I’m serious. Sammy and Imani, the main character’s two best friends, have little personality besides “Sammy is a lesbian and likes hacking” and “Imani is non-binary and likes fashion”. Iris is pansexual and likes being a detective, and Lea is bisexual and likes journalism. And, again, as a lesbian myself, I would rather paint myself red white and blue for the Fourth of July than call my friend group a “sapphic detective agency.” Especially when you’re investigating the real life disappearance of real life human beings! Speaking of real life human beings, the missing girls themselves were shockingly disappointing. Considering that one of them is Iris’ sister and the other is her ex-girlfriend (we’ll get to the ‘ex-girlfriend’ part soon), you’d thing there would be plenty of opportunities for flashback scenes or other memories to let the readers get to know these girls and care if they come home or not. And while we get to know Heather a little bit through her podcast (which adds almost nothing to the story besides providing a few moments of distraction from the monotony of act 2), Stella remains pretty much a big ball of nothing. We don’t feel her absence in Iris’ life- nor do we feel the absence of Iris’ mom, who died in a drunk driving accident a few months after Stella. This is executed so poorly that I never remembered her mom was dead until she brought it up, and the only sign of grief or mourning or even caring about the death we see from her at all is when she’s scared to drive a car. This fear, and the mother’s death, add nothing to the story except more words. HTFAMG’s romance is predictable, but I would have no problem with it if there wasn’t so much pointless conflict between iris and her LI. Like I said, the whole middle of the book was “I can’t let her in, but I want to, but she hurt me, but she’s here for me now” to the point where, when they finally kissed, I felt nothing but annoyance that so much of my time was wasted for such a simple resolution. This issue certainly wasn’t helped by the writing.
THE WRITING
It was fine, for the majority of the book. My problem lies with the fact that while there were moments I thought “oh my god, this is cringe”, there were no moments I thought “oh okay, this is good”. So even if the majority of the writing was okay, the minority of bad parts combined with the lack of good parts created a negative reading experience overall. Many other reviewers have noted this, but the terms “my ex-girlfriend” and “my ex-best friend” are ridiculously overused, even in places where their names would have served perfectly. As a high schooler myself, in the exact age bracket that this book is supposed to represent, all the “gen Z” references and ‘lingo’ were, frankly, annoying. One of the most cringe-worthy (I generally hate the term ‘cringe’, but I genuinely cannot think of anything else to describe this atrocity) moment was when Iris noticed a bisexual flag on Lea’s wall and asked if Lea was “holding on to that for a friend”. Why would she say that??? Why would Lea be holding on to a flag for a friend by HANGING THAT FLAG UP ON HER WALL?? It clearly wasn’t supposed to be a joke, because when Lea responds (obviously) “no it’s mine”, Iris is surprised??? It was a stupid exchange clearly meant just to confirm Lea’s sexuality, because we already know her hobby and that’s the only other thing this book can think to reveal about a character.
OVERALL
I didn’t know this review would be so long until I started writing it, but TLDR this book was not a good book. It was a bad book. There’s even more I could say about how bad of a book this was, but I don’t want to spend any more of my time on it. Why did I give it 2 stars, then? Why not one star? There are two main reasons for this:
1. I was able to read it quickly. It only took me a day to read, and that’s during a full day of classes and play rehearsal (if you’ve been paying attention you know my sexuality and a hobby I have (lesbian and theater), which means I’m a fully developed HTFAMG character!). Being able to read it quick meant I was done with it fast, which is a huge plus. And up until the point when the lackluster ending was revealed, I was actually interested in the mystery. Of course, being interested in a mystery that has a stupid ending is worse than not being interested in a mystery at all, because if you never cared you can’t be disappointed, but my misguided investment allowed me to be done with the book quicker than I would’ve otherwise
2. Since I’ve followed the author on social media for a long time, I had high hopes for this book. And even though it shredded those hopes to tiny little pieces, I can still see in my head what this book could have been if it were better. You might not know this from anything I’ve just written, but I feel kind of bad giving books bad reviews most of the time. There are like, three books that I’ve hated enough to give one star, and frankly, this book hasn’t taken up enough of my life to be one of them.