What do you think?
Rate this book
When Homosexuality Hits Home: What to Do When a Loved One Says They're Gay
"There's something I need to tell you...I'm gay." These are hard words to hear from a beloved family member. But as hard as they are to hear, they are also hard for the same-sex-attracted person to utter. No matter the relationship--parent, child, grandparent, spouse, sibling, or other, that admission will likely mark a change in the way you and your loved one understand each other. These can be difficult waters to navigate, but Joe Dallas knows the rough waters firsthand and offers answers to the questions you need answered. From his many years of helping families answer tough questions about homosexuality, Joe Dallas offers you sound, compassionate, and biblically accurate advice as you take a journey you never anticipated. Revised edition.
192 pages, Paperback
First published July 15, 2004
54 people are currently reading
109 people want to read
About the author
Joe Dallas
19 books17 followersI'm a Christian author, husband and father of two, married to my lovely wife Renee since 1987. We fellowship at Newport Mesa Church in Orange County, CA, and I run a ministry in Tustin, CA, called Genesis Counseling. Most of my writing has focused on sexual issues from a conservative Christian perspective, and since 1987, I've been honored to work with men who want to resolve conflicts between their sexual behavior and their relationship with Christ.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews
August 7, 2022
This book caught my eye on a book table at a counseling conference my wife & I attended earlier this year. It wasn't just the topic of homosexuality. It was the topic hitting home. I have talked to more and more families where this has been an issue. And most Christians I know really don't know how to best face the issue. Oh, they know what they believe (as I do) about what the Bible states about homosexuality. But how to go about addressing this topic with those near and dear to us who have been persuaded or have chosen to go down this path is often bewildering & quite painful.
The author, Joe Dallas, writes with keen insight and a pastoral touch. While reading the book, I kept commenting to myself "that was helpful" or "I never would have thought of that." After reading the author's background near the beginning of the book, it made me sit up and take notice a bit more as I read. Why? Because when someone has walked that path, they have a much deeper well to draw from.
Toward the end of the introduction, Dallas grabbed my attention with these poignant words:
"Let's begin, then, to address what to do and say when homosexuality hits home. And as we begin, let's remember one of the most remarkable descriptions of Jesus we find in the gospels:
And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth (John 1:14).
Grace and truth - the enormous challenge to be honest and loving; firm in our convictions and unsparing in our compassion; as clear in our beliefs as we are generous in our love. When someone you love is gay, you become more aware than ever of your inability to face life's challenges apart from the grace of God."
More and more as I face complex situations in life (both personally & ministerially), I realize I need the right combination of God's grace & truth.
The author really helps those of us who have never faced this situation up close & personal. He sets forth different type of scenarios, responses, and emotions that a Christian might feel when a family members tells them they are homosexual.
The first two chapters are excellent in that they provide spiritual & emotional guidance to the one struggling to assimilate this difficult news that a loved one is homosexual. The titles are "Now That You Know" and "How Can This Be?"
The author then writes detailed chapters specific to the situation the reader might be facing. He mentions in the book that some of the information overlaps in each of the specific chapters so for those who don't want to read the entire book won't need to (I did read the entire book and am glad for doing so).
These specific chapters follow:
Chapter 3 - Loving A Gay Son or Daughter
Chapter 4 - When Your Teen Says "I'm Gay"
Chapter 5 - When Homosexuality Hits Your Marriage
Chapter 6 - When Other Family Members Are Gay
What solid, Scriptural, and wise advice given in these chapters! So many things I never would have considered are put forth by Dallas.
He then shares some practical chapters as follows:
Chapter 7 - Negotiating Family Boundaries
Chapter 8 - Same-Sex weddings: "I'll Be There" or "Sorry, Cannot Attend"?
Chapter 9 - The Three Most Common Arguments
Chapter 10 the author shares ten practical additional talking points.
Chapter 11 concludes with an exhortation to face this situation with grace and truth. Dallas pleads for the reader to walk "A Mile In Their Shoes." He gives reasonings I had never considered before. He never contradicts Scripture and yet made me think in a way I had not heretofore. "A Letter To My Loved One" is a letter he encourages you to use in any way you can. I would definitely recommend anyone dealing with a family member in this situation to write a letter in similar manner.
All in all I highly recommend this book to all those dealing with this subject with a family member. In addition, I recommend this to anyone in the pastorate who might counsel people in their churches facing this situation more and more in their congregation.
Here are some excerpts that were some of my favorite:
"Throughout the New Testament, whenever sexual sin is mentioned, it is cited as a problem of the flesh to be dealt with through repentance and discipline." p. 59
"Your influence is limited, even when you're right. The prodigal's father was a good dad who had provided for, loved, and exercised authority over his son for a season. But when the season ended, he said his piece, respected the free will God had given his son, and let go." p. 69
"God has spoken in His Word, which a person may ignore. God will then speak to the conscience, which may also be ignored. He will then speak through circumstances which a persona cannot as easily ignore. All of which means God has hardly exhausted the resources through which He can speak to your prodigal." p. 71
"Instead of assuming, ask. Ask how he or she lives. Tell your loved one plainly what your fears are and ask if he or she can help you by answering your questions honestly." p. 74
"Your belief that homosexuality is wrong will not damage your son, nor will your insistence that he live within the boundaries you set in your home. Of course, if you call him names, humiliate him, tell him his homosexuality makes him worse than other people, disown him, wish death or injury upon him, or otherwise abuse him physically or psychologically, then yes you will definitely be damaging him. But to hold a belief about sex and promote that belief with your minor children is neither a form of rejection nor abuse. Rather, it's a quaint thing called parenting." p. 77
"I honestly don't think we have more gay teenagers today than we did before, though that's a possibility. I'm more inclined to think that kids who previously would never have considered openly affirming their same-sex desires are now doing so, as an inevitable result of societal approval and social change." p. 87
"Some kids really do experience a season of confusion over their sexual makeup." p. 87
"If there were a saying I'd advise parents to repeat to their teens, it would go something like this:
-I cannot tell you what to feel
-I cannot tell you what to think
-I can and will tell you what you may or may not do
Plainly put, you're still in charge, and now more than ever you need to act like it." p. 89
"Don't beat a dead horse by repeating, every time you see your gay family member, what the Bible says and why you disapprove of homo sexuality. That's unnecessary. But make certain you've clarified, once and for all, where you stand." p. 134
"Where the Bible is adamant, be adamant; where the Bible is silent, be open-minded...So when there are not specific verses to guide our decisions, we look to biblical principles." p. 144
"The principle of conscience means this:
I cannot participate in something I don't believe in, nor can I directly or indirectly encourage another person to sin, since that makes me a partaker of his sin.
I draw this principle from four specific Scriptures:
-Matthew 7:1
-Ephesians 5:11
-I Timothy 5:22
Taken together, these Scriptures clarify that, while I cannot judge another person, I can and must judge behavior. And if I judge a behavior to be wrong, I have to make sure I'm not participating or condoning it." p. 145
"The principle of comfort means, in essence,
I have the liberty to say no to something I'm uncomfortable with, even if I don't feel the situation, not the homosexuality, is inherently wrong.
This reminds me that Jesus associated with sinners while by no means condoning their sin. Thus it's permissible to interact with people of all sorts." p. 145
"If you want your conversations about homosexuality to be productive, don't just prepare your arguments - prepare your attitude." p. 164
"Speak the truth, by all means, but don't try to force it on the hearer." p. 166
"Gentleness does not require us to revise the truth. It only requires a careful, caring attitude when we present it." p. 166
"The idea of homosexuality's being an inborn condition is relatively new." p. 168
"Believing homosexuality is wrong is a belief, not a prejudice...so please don't write me off as having a condition just because we disagree. Beliefs, prejudices, and phobias are three completely different things that should never be lumped together." p. 173
"To say a relationship is wrong is not to denigrate the people involved in that relationship." p.175
"You can respect those involved, but you cannot in fairness be asked to revise ancient standards to accommodate people you otherwise respect." p. 176
"I'm fully aware you have a relationship that means very much to you. So I can call it a relationship; I can say there's love in it; I can respect your right to live as you please. But I cannot and will not call it a marriage." p. 178
"So if you're demanding I call your relationship a marriage, I have to refuse. I love you, respect you, and certainly don't want to lose you. But if our relationship forces me to choose between you and the truth, what do you honestly expect me to do?" p. 179
"In Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet, young Romeo, before meeting Juliet, is deeply in love with a woman named Rosalind, who doesn't return his love. The play opens with Romeo pining away for her, and his friend Mercutio teasing him for being so lovesick. Realizing Mercutio knows nothing about being in love, Romeo says of him, "He jests at scars that never felt a wound." His friend, in other words, is observing and commenting on a condition he has no understanding of. And that lack of understanding makes Mercutio, in Romeo's mind, unfit to judge." p. 195
"A better understanding of another's experience strengthens your ability to show grace to that person even as you stand for the truth." p. 196
In the author's "A Letter to My Loved One," the following line resonated with me: "My greatest fear for you, at this point, isn't generated by your homosexuality. It's generated instead by your belief that life is about fulfillment rather than obedience. And I truly believe that is a self-contradictory irony that offers neither fulfillment nor obedience." p. 211
The author, Joe Dallas, writes with keen insight and a pastoral touch. While reading the book, I kept commenting to myself "that was helpful" or "I never would have thought of that." After reading the author's background near the beginning of the book, it made me sit up and take notice a bit more as I read. Why? Because when someone has walked that path, they have a much deeper well to draw from.
Toward the end of the introduction, Dallas grabbed my attention with these poignant words:
"Let's begin, then, to address what to do and say when homosexuality hits home. And as we begin, let's remember one of the most remarkable descriptions of Jesus we find in the gospels:
And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth (John 1:14).
Grace and truth - the enormous challenge to be honest and loving; firm in our convictions and unsparing in our compassion; as clear in our beliefs as we are generous in our love. When someone you love is gay, you become more aware than ever of your inability to face life's challenges apart from the grace of God."
More and more as I face complex situations in life (both personally & ministerially), I realize I need the right combination of God's grace & truth.
The author really helps those of us who have never faced this situation up close & personal. He sets forth different type of scenarios, responses, and emotions that a Christian might feel when a family members tells them they are homosexual.
The first two chapters are excellent in that they provide spiritual & emotional guidance to the one struggling to assimilate this difficult news that a loved one is homosexual. The titles are "Now That You Know" and "How Can This Be?"
The author then writes detailed chapters specific to the situation the reader might be facing. He mentions in the book that some of the information overlaps in each of the specific chapters so for those who don't want to read the entire book won't need to (I did read the entire book and am glad for doing so).
These specific chapters follow:
Chapter 3 - Loving A Gay Son or Daughter
Chapter 4 - When Your Teen Says "I'm Gay"
Chapter 5 - When Homosexuality Hits Your Marriage
Chapter 6 - When Other Family Members Are Gay
What solid, Scriptural, and wise advice given in these chapters! So many things I never would have considered are put forth by Dallas.
He then shares some practical chapters as follows:
Chapter 7 - Negotiating Family Boundaries
Chapter 8 - Same-Sex weddings: "I'll Be There" or "Sorry, Cannot Attend"?
Chapter 9 - The Three Most Common Arguments
Chapter 10 the author shares ten practical additional talking points.
Chapter 11 concludes with an exhortation to face this situation with grace and truth. Dallas pleads for the reader to walk "A Mile In Their Shoes." He gives reasonings I had never considered before. He never contradicts Scripture and yet made me think in a way I had not heretofore. "A Letter To My Loved One" is a letter he encourages you to use in any way you can. I would definitely recommend anyone dealing with a family member in this situation to write a letter in similar manner.
All in all I highly recommend this book to all those dealing with this subject with a family member. In addition, I recommend this to anyone in the pastorate who might counsel people in their churches facing this situation more and more in their congregation.
Here are some excerpts that were some of my favorite:
"Throughout the New Testament, whenever sexual sin is mentioned, it is cited as a problem of the flesh to be dealt with through repentance and discipline." p. 59
"Your influence is limited, even when you're right. The prodigal's father was a good dad who had provided for, loved, and exercised authority over his son for a season. But when the season ended, he said his piece, respected the free will God had given his son, and let go." p. 69
"God has spoken in His Word, which a person may ignore. God will then speak to the conscience, which may also be ignored. He will then speak through circumstances which a persona cannot as easily ignore. All of which means God has hardly exhausted the resources through which He can speak to your prodigal." p. 71
"Instead of assuming, ask. Ask how he or she lives. Tell your loved one plainly what your fears are and ask if he or she can help you by answering your questions honestly." p. 74
"Your belief that homosexuality is wrong will not damage your son, nor will your insistence that he live within the boundaries you set in your home. Of course, if you call him names, humiliate him, tell him his homosexuality makes him worse than other people, disown him, wish death or injury upon him, or otherwise abuse him physically or psychologically, then yes you will definitely be damaging him. But to hold a belief about sex and promote that belief with your minor children is neither a form of rejection nor abuse. Rather, it's a quaint thing called parenting." p. 77
"I honestly don't think we have more gay teenagers today than we did before, though that's a possibility. I'm more inclined to think that kids who previously would never have considered openly affirming their same-sex desires are now doing so, as an inevitable result of societal approval and social change." p. 87
"Some kids really do experience a season of confusion over their sexual makeup." p. 87
"If there were a saying I'd advise parents to repeat to their teens, it would go something like this:
-I cannot tell you what to feel
-I cannot tell you what to think
-I can and will tell you what you may or may not do
Plainly put, you're still in charge, and now more than ever you need to act like it." p. 89
"Don't beat a dead horse by repeating, every time you see your gay family member, what the Bible says and why you disapprove of homo sexuality. That's unnecessary. But make certain you've clarified, once and for all, where you stand." p. 134
"Where the Bible is adamant, be adamant; where the Bible is silent, be open-minded...So when there are not specific verses to guide our decisions, we look to biblical principles." p. 144
"The principle of conscience means this:
I cannot participate in something I don't believe in, nor can I directly or indirectly encourage another person to sin, since that makes me a partaker of his sin.
I draw this principle from four specific Scriptures:
-Matthew 7:1
-Ephesians 5:11
-I Timothy 5:22
Taken together, these Scriptures clarify that, while I cannot judge another person, I can and must judge behavior. And if I judge a behavior to be wrong, I have to make sure I'm not participating or condoning it." p. 145
"The principle of comfort means, in essence,
I have the liberty to say no to something I'm uncomfortable with, even if I don't feel the situation, not the homosexuality, is inherently wrong.
This reminds me that Jesus associated with sinners while by no means condoning their sin. Thus it's permissible to interact with people of all sorts." p. 145
"If you want your conversations about homosexuality to be productive, don't just prepare your arguments - prepare your attitude." p. 164
"Speak the truth, by all means, but don't try to force it on the hearer." p. 166
"Gentleness does not require us to revise the truth. It only requires a careful, caring attitude when we present it." p. 166
"The idea of homosexuality's being an inborn condition is relatively new." p. 168
"Believing homosexuality is wrong is a belief, not a prejudice...so please don't write me off as having a condition just because we disagree. Beliefs, prejudices, and phobias are three completely different things that should never be lumped together." p. 173
"To say a relationship is wrong is not to denigrate the people involved in that relationship." p.175
"You can respect those involved, but you cannot in fairness be asked to revise ancient standards to accommodate people you otherwise respect." p. 176
"I'm fully aware you have a relationship that means very much to you. So I can call it a relationship; I can say there's love in it; I can respect your right to live as you please. But I cannot and will not call it a marriage." p. 178
"So if you're demanding I call your relationship a marriage, I have to refuse. I love you, respect you, and certainly don't want to lose you. But if our relationship forces me to choose between you and the truth, what do you honestly expect me to do?" p. 179
"In Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet, young Romeo, before meeting Juliet, is deeply in love with a woman named Rosalind, who doesn't return his love. The play opens with Romeo pining away for her, and his friend Mercutio teasing him for being so lovesick. Realizing Mercutio knows nothing about being in love, Romeo says of him, "He jests at scars that never felt a wound." His friend, in other words, is observing and commenting on a condition he has no understanding of. And that lack of understanding makes Mercutio, in Romeo's mind, unfit to judge." p. 195
"A better understanding of another's experience strengthens your ability to show grace to that person even as you stand for the truth." p. 196
In the author's "A Letter to My Loved One," the following line resonated with me: "My greatest fear for you, at this point, isn't generated by your homosexuality. It's generated instead by your belief that life is about fulfillment rather than obedience. And I truly believe that is a self-contradictory irony that offers neither fulfillment nor obedience." p. 211
May 22, 2015
I am firmly convinced that the issue of homosexuality is one of the "key" issues facing the church today, as believers struggle with remaining true to God's word while loving their friend or child or parent or co-worker who has revealed that they are gay. Or, perhaps believers themselves are trying to reconcile their orientation with their beliefs. Joe Dallas has done a fantastic job of filling the need for a book that is firmly based on scripture and doesn't hesitate to show the sin of homosexual behaviour, while also calling us to respond in love and gentleness, and never in hate. The book is written in a purposefully practical way, with specific chapters that speak to parents whose child reveals they are gay, or to husbands and wives who find out their spouses have engaged in homosexual acts. He also specifically addresses the common theories behind why people who are gay become gay (are they born gay or is it their environment?), and tackles some difficult arguments people may find themselves facing. For example, he speaks to a common statement someone may make calling you "homophobic" if you say you believe gay behaviour is wrong, and provides points to consider on the subject and a sample response you could make.
But I think my very favourite part of this book is the fact that no one could argue that Joe Dallas has no right to pen this book. Joe starts the book by acknowledging his own past of engaging in homosexuality, pornography, etc. He speaks from the point of view of someone who has struggled with all of these issues, and discovered God's grace in the process. Who better to write this kind of book than that?
By far the most practical and clearly written book on the issue of homosexuality that I've yet read, "When Homosexuality Hits Home" is a must read! 4.5 out of 5 stars.
Book has been provided courtesy of Harvest House Publishers for the purposes of this unbiased review.
But I think my very favourite part of this book is the fact that no one could argue that Joe Dallas has no right to pen this book. Joe starts the book by acknowledging his own past of engaging in homosexuality, pornography, etc. He speaks from the point of view of someone who has struggled with all of these issues, and discovered God's grace in the process. Who better to write this kind of book than that?
By far the most practical and clearly written book on the issue of homosexuality that I've yet read, "When Homosexuality Hits Home" is a must read! 4.5 out of 5 stars.
Book has been provided courtesy of Harvest House Publishers for the purposes of this unbiased review.
February 2, 2021
I was required to read this book for a college class for the major of biblical counseling. I could not even finish this book, there were so many errors in it that angered me. I told my professor that I refused to finish it, and he could dock my grade (since I gave a paper on why I disagreed though, he still gave me a decent grade, in case you were wondering). I highly recommend Rosaria Butterfield's works on homosexuality if you're looking for an experienced and thoroughly biblical approach to homosexuality.
July 10, 2021
Practical. Helpful.
If you are looking for help navigating the news of a loved one “coming out” as lgbtq+, then help will be found here. Not theologically deep, that was not the author’s purpose. As the banner says, the book is both practical and helpful.
If you are looking for help navigating the news of a loved one “coming out” as lgbtq+, then help will be found here. Not theologically deep, that was not the author’s purpose. As the banner says, the book is both practical and helpful.
April 24, 2014
Know someone who's gay and not sure how to deal with your own emotions on the subject? BUY THIS BOOK! Joe Dallas presents a clear and balanced approach to loving/drawing personal boundaries/moving through the stages of shock and so much more. This one is a keeper on my shelf.
December 23, 2016
The author is a bigot and a fundamentalist. But I appreciated his effort to dance around his hate, trying to make some space for the humans next to his imaginary friends.
May 21, 2020
Excellent resource for anyone who has had this experience. There was more detail than I needed for my particular situation because the author's approach was fairly comprehensive. The majority of the information did pertain to my circumstance and was quite informative.
September 29, 2021
Excellent book. Provides easily understandable info and practical steps to help families navigate the journey of walking alongside a gay loved one in a God-honoring way.
June 17, 2022
Great resource for such a controversial topic.
February 6, 2025
Joe Dallas writes from a point of experiential understanding. He has practical, Biblical words to help us understand and empower us to defend God’s view.
October 27, 2021
Practical guidance on how to have conversations about homosexuality and establish healthy boundaries
November 13, 2013
So few Christian books on the subject of homosexuality treat it as a subject to be talked about and group gay people as a whole. This book peaked my interest in that it appeared to deal with not only gay people as individual people but also the Christian family member/friend who is need of guidance.
The one thing this book does amazingly is highlight the importance of showing Christian love while not accepting the sin. This is the strongest point the book gets across.
The book also has an amazing help section for the Christian who is dealing with someone who is gay (other books are recommended for those struggling with being gay which the author points to).
He covers different aspects of who might have come out (brothers, husbands, friends, etc.) and writes individual chapters on them (close family, spouses, acquaintances, etc.). Which can be a helpful reference for those who are picking up the book for a specific person they need help with.
The author offers up his personal story and the stories of others to help make his point which is always very helpful when dealing with a subject that can be so personal.
The use of Scripture is a tad too sparse for me but there are a good enough number to root the author's thoughts in the Word which is the highest authority we have.
The book is laid out very straightforward without going into danger of being impersonal. The message of Christian love reigns supreme throughout the book and does not diminish feelings on either side of the conversation.
If you're looking for a book as a Christian who wants help in what to do with a gay family/friend, I would highly recommend this. Final Grade - A
The one thing this book does amazingly is highlight the importance of showing Christian love while not accepting the sin. This is the strongest point the book gets across.
The book also has an amazing help section for the Christian who is dealing with someone who is gay (other books are recommended for those struggling with being gay which the author points to).
He covers different aspects of who might have come out (brothers, husbands, friends, etc.) and writes individual chapters on them (close family, spouses, acquaintances, etc.). Which can be a helpful reference for those who are picking up the book for a specific person they need help with.
The author offers up his personal story and the stories of others to help make his point which is always very helpful when dealing with a subject that can be so personal.
The use of Scripture is a tad too sparse for me but there are a good enough number to root the author's thoughts in the Word which is the highest authority we have.
The book is laid out very straightforward without going into danger of being impersonal. The message of Christian love reigns supreme throughout the book and does not diminish feelings on either side of the conversation.
If you're looking for a book as a Christian who wants help in what to do with a gay family/friend, I would highly recommend this. Final Grade - A
April 2, 2012
Everyone who is a Christian should read this book. This book is a good to get a biblical perspective before you are confronted with the issues, and in today's society you will be. If you think it can't happen to you or someone you love, think again. Don't be like me and respond in anger. Be pro-active and prepare your heart for what possibly could happen. Knowledge is a key in openly talking to your children about struggles they may incur and preparing their hearts for the battle. No different than talking to your teens about pornography, they need to know they can talk to you about anything. If I could go back in time ...
August 7, 2015
This is an excellent book that is a must read for all Christians in today's society, regardless if one is directly impacted by homosexuality in their own family. Homosexuality is becoming more pervasive in America and this book offers readers Biblically centered advice on how to navigate boundaries with homosexual family members and show compassion without compromising their faith. It gave me a completely new perspective and has strengthened my faith and my ability to be a good witness for Christ. I wish I had read this book 7 years ago!
November 18, 2011
Very helpful resource for talking with loved ones about homosexuality. Joe Dallas is an ex-homosexual himself, and does a good job of dealing honest with the issues.
March 14, 2023
3.5 stars. Very helpful, especially for those at the beginning of this journey. Covers a lot of ground.
Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews