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Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness
According to psychologist Blaine Fowers, the myth of marital happiness-that good communication, emotional gratification, and intimacy result in a healthy relationship-has made marriages more fragile than ever before and we must let it go. Does this mean that we should give up on love, satisfaction, intimacy, emotional support, good communication, and good sex in marriage? That marriage must be continued solely on the basis of grim commitment? That no one should divorce? Not at all. Instead, Dr. Fowers shows how we can re-envision marriage as a wonderful opportunity to practice the virtues of friendship, loyalty, generosity, and justice in the shared pursuit of our deepest ideals.
256 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 2000
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
August 2, 2023
Fowers puts forward an excellent argument against the increasingly overhyped fix-all of "communication" in a marriage, as well as for some of the basic virtues that safeguard human relationships. And though I'm often wary of experts in one field interloping into another in order to sloppily shore up their thesis, Fowers displays a mature and straightforward understanding of religious history and its critical role in the cultivation of our contemporary marital culture.
With that being said, there are several major drawbacks with this book. First, this is a text written for Christians. Though this is not directly stated, the use of fundamental terminology such as "virtues" and the historical emphasis on Catholic-Protestant narratives clearly situate Fowers' argument from a Christian perspective, and perhaps an even exclusively American - or at least western - context.
Second, virtually all of the arguments made in this book can be applied to relationships that are not marital; put differently, Fowers does not clearly specify how his argument differs from friendships, serious relationships, or sexual partnerships. Again, this smacks of a Christian assumption wherein "marriage" is simply assumed to be a man and woman who are in a legally and ecclesiastically recognized sexual union, and the text suffers as a result. This is not to suggest that marriage is an easily definable status, but the lack of nuance doesn't do the book any favors; one can't help but wonder if the 2015 Obergefell vs. Hodges case would make an appearance in a later edition.
Which leads to my third criticism: this text simply does not have enough source material to back it up. Citations for certain chapters are uncomfortably sparse, and the second half especially (when Fowers presents his four selected virtues) feels more like a self-help guide or a well-developed sermon rather than an academic work. This and other critiques could be addressed with improved editions, but in this the text also falls short; the book is only available as a first edition, published in 2000. In light of the listed concerns, this is simply too large of a gap for the reader to truly consider Fowers' argument beyond meriting some personal introspection and a mild paradigm shift in how one conducts a relationship. His declared warfare against the pseudo-neutrality of social scientists and the moral inevitablism of therapeutic practice is not necessarily misguided, but it needs a stronger argument.
With that being said, there are several major drawbacks with this book. First, this is a text written for Christians. Though this is not directly stated, the use of fundamental terminology such as "virtues" and the historical emphasis on Catholic-Protestant narratives clearly situate Fowers' argument from a Christian perspective, and perhaps an even exclusively American - or at least western - context.
Second, virtually all of the arguments made in this book can be applied to relationships that are not marital; put differently, Fowers does not clearly specify how his argument differs from friendships, serious relationships, or sexual partnerships. Again, this smacks of a Christian assumption wherein "marriage" is simply assumed to be a man and woman who are in a legally and ecclesiastically recognized sexual union, and the text suffers as a result. This is not to suggest that marriage is an easily definable status, but the lack of nuance doesn't do the book any favors; one can't help but wonder if the 2015 Obergefell vs. Hodges case would make an appearance in a later edition.
Which leads to my third criticism: this text simply does not have enough source material to back it up. Citations for certain chapters are uncomfortably sparse, and the second half especially (when Fowers presents his four selected virtues) feels more like a self-help guide or a well-developed sermon rather than an academic work. This and other critiques could be addressed with improved editions, but in this the text also falls short; the book is only available as a first edition, published in 2000. In light of the listed concerns, this is simply too large of a gap for the reader to truly consider Fowers' argument beyond meriting some personal introspection and a mild paradigm shift in how one conducts a relationship. His declared warfare against the pseudo-neutrality of social scientists and the moral inevitablism of therapeutic practice is not necessarily misguided, but it needs a stronger argument.
June 2, 2020
One of my favorite books to read. There is more to marriage than communication and problem-solving skills. I love the introduction to VIRTUES in marriage. Virtues are what we all need in order to find joy in marriage and family life. I totally recommend this book. It will challenge and change your view about marriage.
November 3, 2020
Read this for school
January 24, 2025
Good points. But I don’t feel like it needed to be a whole book.
September 18, 2016
Pretty wordy but good message, enjoyed this as a former family and marriage studies major. The Message I got was: there are lots of things that make a good marriage, even if you aren't great communicators or if your marriage doesn't feel happy all the time. If we listen to what romantic movies tell us, marriage is about someone making you feel good/happy/satisfied, and It's about feelings/emotions and self. So then we feel bad when our marriages aren't like the marriage myth portrayed in popular culture. We have put too much pressure on the modern institution of marriage, to expect someone else to make us happy. He says good marriages are formed by having a shared life vision and pursuing projects together, by having the virtues of loyalty, generosity, justice and courage as part of who you both are. I liked the thought that all we expect from
Marriage today is false--it's not about (changeable) feelings and sexual/emotional attraction as much as it is a commitment to your spouse and the life you have built with them. Sharing goals and projects like raising kids etc. The feelings are then a byproduct of these shared experiences and not the end goal. It made me think!
Marriage today is false--it's not about (changeable) feelings and sexual/emotional attraction as much as it is a commitment to your spouse and the life you have built with them. Sharing goals and projects like raising kids etc. The feelings are then a byproduct of these shared experiences and not the end goal. It made me think!
March 17, 2009
The name of the book is actually The Myth of Marital Happiness. I don't know why it is shortened in the GoodReads list.
The premise is that we are so often disappointed by our marriage and our partner's shortcomings because we base our expectations on the myth that marriage as an institution makes people happy. So when we find ourselves unhappy, we say the marriage failed and bail.
I haven't finished reading it yet (I had to return it because I was out of town for almost a month), but I'll get back to you when I'm done.
The premise is that we are so often disappointed by our marriage and our partner's shortcomings because we base our expectations on the myth that marriage as an institution makes people happy. So when we find ourselves unhappy, we say the marriage failed and bail.
I haven't finished reading it yet (I had to return it because I was out of town for almost a month), but I'll get back to you when I'm done.
March 23, 2009
Don't know why this isn't required reading for every couple.
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews