I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids: Reinventing Modern Motherhood

by Trisha Ashworth, Amy Nobile

'I don't know how she does it!' is an oft-heard refrain about mothers today. Funnily enough, most moms agree they have no idea how they get it done, or whether they even want the job. Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile spoke to mothers of every stripe working, stay-at-home, part-time and found a surprisingly similar trend in their interviews. After enthusing about her lucky life for twenty minutes, a mother would then break down and admit that her child's first word was 'Shrek.' As one mom put it, 'Am I happy? The word that describes me best is challenged .' Fresh from the front lines of modern motherhood comes a book that uncovers the guilty secrets of moms today . . . in their own words. I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids diagnoses the craziness and offers real solutions, so that mothers can step out of the madness and learn to love motherhood as much as they love their kids.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Humor, Self Help, Family, Adult, Mental Health

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2007

About the author

Trisha Ashworth lives in Northern California with her husband and three children.

Reviews

[J.R. · Rating 1 out of 5]

You can't judge this book by its cover....

I feel horrible. I love the cover of this book, and am sure that the authors put a lot of time into writing it. Unfortunately, I did not enjoy it at all and cannot give it more than one star.

There were a few funny lines sprinkled throughout - but again, there were few. I felt as though I was listening to a lecture on why mothers across America hate this inescapable role they have assumed, willingly or unwillingly. Further, it was if the lecture was on repeat play: the same thoughts were repeated over and over and over again, the further I got into the book.

I am sure that the authors are wonderful parents. I just wonder if they are truly happy ones.

J.R. Reardon
author, CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATIONS

[Stevie · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book made me grumpy. I wanted to like it, wanted to find some jewel of wisdom, but came away frustrated that I'd bothered. I just have a hard time finding much empathy for the whole 'being an upper middle class mommy is hard' complaint. I'm an upper middleclass mommy, and it can be hard, but c'mon ladies...love your kids, and be thankfull that you don't have to try to figure out how to raise healthy happy kids while working a minimum wage job, going to night school, and protecting them from your estranged husband who sometimes gets drunk and shows up in the middle of the night to try to talk you all into moving back in with him. I don't mind the focus, just the miopic premise that the 'typical' American family spends its time worrying over cupcakes.

[Lisa G · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a great read! The two authors of the book spoke to mothers that work outside of the home, mothers that work inside the home(notice I did not mention stay-at-home mother because if you receive a paycheck or decide to take the job as the nanny...we are all working mothers), and part-time(working outside/inside the home). They share the ups and downs of motherhood from all three perspectives and include steps to make life more simple. Basically as mothers we all have routines and schedules for our loved ones, but this book mentions living in the moment sometimes..relishing the present. I loved this following quote from the book: "Personally, when we're feeling exasperated, we like to think in terms of "the last time"- as in, there will be a last time for everything. When will be the last time I give her a bottle, or the last time I put her to bed in the crib, or the last time i can actually cradle my son in my lap, or the last time he will let me hold his hand in public? It's amazing how quickly this puts things in perspective.-Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile" I think as mothers we are all striving to be the best we can be and this offers simple solutions to help simplify your life.

[Natalie Cardon · Rating 1 out of 5]

If someone had told me that 2 model-looking women, an Ad-exec and a PR exec had written some thoughts about motherhood in a book, dressed it up with cute fonts and formatting, put a picture of a cupcake on the front and had come up with a catchy title, I would have NEVER BOUGHT THE BOOK!

I have read content in amateur Mom Blogs that is just as good, if not better and more uplifting. If you were on a desert island & this was the only book, I would still probably not recommend it because despite its purpose, most of the book just makes you compare yourself with other women and feel a little blah.

Just to say something positive, I did enjoy one paragraph:

Personally, when we're feeling exasperated, we like to think in terms of "the last time"-- as in, there will be a last time for everything. When will be the last time I give her a bottle, or the last time I put her to bed in her crib, or the last time I can actually cradle my son in my lap, or the last time he will let me hold his hand in public? It's amazing how quickly this puts things in perspective. One minute we're thinking we'll have to shoot ourselves if we have to dress her up in a princess costume again, and the next we could cry because soon enough we'll be shopping for prom dresses.

[Belle · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended by another fellow mommy. Funny, anecdotal (sp?) and so on the money with everyday trials and tribulations of being a parent these days. It's an easy and quick read that made me laugh and think,"Gosh I'm not the only one!" And also puts into perspective the whole notion of what I call "SuperMommy Syndrome". What I also like is that at the beginning of every chapter it's got lists of things you can relate to and at the end of every chapter it's got a quick list of things to think about.

I gave it four stars because it starts out really good and then kinda loses it's fire towards the end because it's more of the same. You kinda get the picture mid-way through the book. Overall, a good read and I recommend it to mommies everywhere.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED this book. Reassuring, honest, and real. I thought they had a great approach, great writing style, and it was incredibly encouraging. Plus, the snippets of other mom's confessions had me cracking up--wow, it isn't just me! If you need a refresher about how to love motherhood as much as you love your kids, this is the perfect read for you.

[Chantel Stadler · Rating 4 out of 5]

“We’ve lingered on the steps to talk to our 3 year old about the clouds…or in the grass and looked at the flowers… or sat on the floor either the mini kingdoms set and played knights and princesses like we’ve had all the time in the world. Whatever it was, that constantly revving engine inside us finally slowed down. The pressure subsided, the to-do list disappeared and our children, who are always the most important things in our lives actually came front and center.”
“I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids” was a sigh of relief and slow-your-Saturday pick up book for me, given by a dear friend and fellow “in the trenches” mom. It gives permission, guidance, reality checks, and plenty of laughs plus a tear or two. Feel seen, embrace motherhood, and go along for the ride without the guilt, shame, hazy boundaries or the internalize pressure cooker of expectations. Authors Trisha and Amy let you reckon with feeling like “Moms a little nuts, sorry buddy” with humor and genuine get-it-together all while learning to let it go. A sweet read for any mom in your life!

[JaNel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I chose this book simply because of the great title. I thought it would be an irreverent and rollicking book about motherhood--funny and smart. Well, I was surprised. It was not funny, except in that way when a bunch of moms get in a room and start laughing about 14-hour horror birth stories or cleaning up puke at 3 am, because we all know what it's like and somehow it's funny and better that it's like that for everyone else too. But it is smart.

This was probably the most realistic look at motherhood I've ever read. It's more about absorbing motherhood in general than parenting techniques specifically. Maybe it's too realistic. New mothers, beware. It could be a bit overwhelming to have all the overwhelmingness of motherhood laid out like this.

It's a quick read however, and very engaging.

Some of my favorite quotes and ideas:

p. 23 "only then can we love motherhood as much as we love our children."

p. 30 "like the dinner thing. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it."

p. 37 "When you're a mother, nobody's saying, 'You're doing a really good job; you're so great; what initiative, mopping up that vomit!'"

Chapter 3 on Choices struck so many chords with me. When they asked what the hardest choice of motherhood was I realized it was all of the choices: how many or much of everything i.e. treats, TV, alone time, play time, math, writing, downtime, veggies, sun, extra activities, movies, date nights, babysitters, vitamins, sleepovers, birthdays, presents, should Paul and I go on vacation? How often? For how long? What battles should I give up? dressing, eating, sleeping, hurrying. When should I let my kids make their own mistakes and when should I help them when they ask for help? What consequences should come? For what? How much?
P. 54 "The trouble with all these choices is not that it takes so much time, though it does that as well, but that it uses up so much of our emotional and mental reserves."

I realized somewhere in here, that I spend so much time and effort considering the choices that I feel overscheduled--even if I end up NOT choosing it.

p. 56 "...but crowing about our choices...stems from insecurity and a need for approval." I do this sometimes. I need validation, and I'm not getting it...because who would I get it from? Who knows really what I do all day long except for my kids, and they're in no position to tell me whether I'm doing it right. P. 51 "In 15 years, will it be ok?" I wonder if and which decisions I'm making now will matter in 15 years. Am I choosing the right ones to care about and make a big deal of? So sometimes, I do put my decisions out there, in the hopes that someone will/can validate me.

p. 60 "I worry that I don't have time to help them grow in all the ways I'd like them to grow."
I worry about this even though I DO have the time. This is practically ALL I do, and yet I still worry if, in the end, I will have given them what they need to succeed and be happy..and still have a decent relationship with them, too.

p. 99 "learn to accept that you are going to be responsible for many of your children's tears."

[Jillaire · Rating 2 out of 5]

I first saw this book during what must have been a rough week with my kids, because it really caught my eye and I later bought it. It was not as enlightening as I had hoped, mostly because I'm not dealing with all the issues the authors talk about. (I guess that's a good thing!)

If you already have a good support group of friends/other moms with whom you have realistic conversations about how tough motherhood is, then you probably don't need to read this book. There's a lot of discussion about moms who have angst over their choice to work/not work/work part-time. The authors pass no judgement on the right choice, but if you're okay with your choice, you might just read a lot you don't need to hear. The other main focus of the book is giving yourself realistic expectations about being a "good mom." If you need that, then you might like the book.

There was a chapter on husbands that I found helpful because it helped me understand how we see things differently. The best part of the book were the quotes and anecdotes (and "dirty little secrets") of the real-life moms they interviewed for the book.

[Lennie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is about the challenges mothers face today and is devoted to helping women sort out some of the conflicts that arise while raising children. It was written by two moms who had their share of difficulties and who at times felt like they were having “one of those days.” They realized that nobody talks about how hard motherhood truly is so they decided to interview other mothers who might be feeling as overwhelmed as they were. This book contains their thoughts and feelings and addresses some of the key issues and it is the authors’ hope that if we could all get “real” with one another by being honest and frank then perhaps we would be better at embracing our role as a mother.

I have to admit, I was one of those women who thought motherhood would be a certain way and I didn’t realize the magnitude of being a mom until I became one to two girls. It’s impossible to predict the challenges of being a parent before it actually happens. I think moms who read this book can relate to some of the problems being discussed and hopefully come away with the message that is being delivered which is; we need to drop the idea that we can and should do it all.

[Michele · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an easy read. I doubt anyone will agree with everything written, but I think every mom will find parts of this book that ring all too true. We are our harshest critics and there are so many moms out there who want everyone to think the life of motherhood is all a big bed of roses. It's time we're more honest with everyone else and especially honest with ourselves. No matter how much we want to do it all, we're only human. It's so easy to second guess ourselves. Should I work or stay at home? Should I breastfeed or bottle-feed? Public or private school? How many, if any, activities should each child be enrolled in? How many kids should I have? If more than one, how much space in between them? The emotional energy a mom expends on a daily basis is exhausting; no wonder so many of us are tired!

[D · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was really excited to read this book, but it was a bit disappointing. I thought the title was catchy and clever, but the tone of the book was kind of depressing. Ashworth and Nobile don't really have any credentials that make them experts on motherhood or parenting, and the book seemed to be more venting than helpful. The structure of the book was disconnected. In the middle of a thought or point, there would be a quote from a mom, and then they'd go back to the point they were trying to make. It just wasn't that enjoyable.

[Cooksonmom · Rating 2 out of 5]

OK, I read this in a matter of hours and although parts are witty and some elements of sound advice are given, it wasn't that good. First of all, I can't relate to most of the women in the book simply because I don't worry about the same things they do. Peer pressure never worked that well on me and I think that has seeped into my adult life. These women are too worried about what everyone thinks of them. Of course I want to be liked, but I want to be liked for being me, not for being "them." It's an OK read, but it comes across as a bit whiny for me.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was of the more down to earth, realistic "mom" books I've ever read. It was a breath of fresh air after feeling stifled in a kid-centric, obsessive-mommy community a while back. It is a great laugh and empathetic friend for any mom who's had "those days"...or has them often.

[Lily · Rating 4 out of 5]

The overarching theme of this book is that comparison is the death of peace. When moms judge or compare themselves to other moms, everyone loses. This might sound trite, but I found it to be a zeitgeist-appropriate insight into parenting. Although the solution to this problem was not explicitly laid out in the book, it can be inferred. Knowing ourselves, our desires, and our boundaries can help us combat the endless opportunities for self-doubt that modern-day motherhood presents. I also appreciate the reminder at the end of the book to be mindful (and therefore appreciative) of the many joyful aspects to parenting young children.

That this book was a gift from a dear friend made it especially endearing to read. I'd recommend it to any mom suffering from self-doubt and insecurity. (Which is probably every mom, at some point or another.)

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

I probably shouldn’t be, but I am surprised that so many mothers feel the same way I do! I liked that this book tackled a lot of issues that modern moms experience, like mom-guilt, judgement, and not being able to say no. It was a really easy read, it’s short and kind of formatted like a magazine. I only gave it 4 stars because it does get repetitive. I felt like they could have shared everything important in this book in a blog post.

[Christina Stind · Rating 3 out of 5]

Being a mother has ups and downs - and during one of these downs where I just felt exhausted and that I was a lousy mom, I sat down one evening and read this book. And it made me stop and think about my life and my family's life. Our daughter is still just a baby, 9 months old, but right now we're laying the foundation for her and the way our family is going to be - and we need to learn to prioritise. Learn to live in the moment and enjoy each step - childhood is a journey, not a race, and each step is unique and important.

This book is about learning to see your expectations for what they are - most of them created by society and the other mothers you know or see in the stores - and most of them working together to make you miserable. You have to step back and look at the bigger picture and see what's important for you - and maybe that means your child will not get a home-cooked meal every day and you will not have the perfect home. But maybe, instead, you will have the time and energy to sit down on the floor and play and really listen to what your child says.

It's not easy being a mom - and if you knew what it really takes - then you would think twice before having children. But some of the things you feel guilty about, are just silly. Every mom has insecurities and things they don't know enough about - but every child just need love and care and to know that mom and dad are there and support them, no matter what. And if you're caught up in running from A to B and being the perfect mom who can handle work, housework, bake your own bread, take care of the garden and the pets and your man, you will need this book - or one similar - to sit down and take a deep breath and start to think about what would make your life easier and if this would give you more time to what's truly important, being there for your kids.

This book is so easy to read that I just went through it all in one sitting - and that's maybe it's only major flaw. It's hard to digest the actually rather useful information in it because it's presented so fluffy and easily read. But it made me sit down and think - and talk to my boyfriend - about how life is at the moment and that maybe we need to change things and I will definitely try to work towards getting our lives to work better together and thereby creating a more loving and relaxed nest for our girl to grow up in. So 3 stars because it was too easy a read - but otherwise, it's a 4 star book - and maybe it should get 5 stars because of it's being so accessible - how many mothers have the time to just sit down and read... Anyway, it makes you think about your role as a mother and how that's only a part of who you are, so therefore it's recommended to every mom.

[Jamie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I saw this book on the shelf at the library and laughed at the title. Since my profession (before I had kids) involved caring for other parents children I often found my self saying "When I have kids, they will never act like that." Guess what? My kids do act that. They are kids, of course the act like that. Now, I do admit my children are fairly well behaved (for everyone but me). So, I don't have a lot to complain about, but...there are days I could very well lose my mind. I now stay at home with my 3 kids and it is sometimes very rewarding but many times it is defeating and frustrating. This book was all about those feelings. The feelings that we are scared to tell our friends and husbands because it would make us look like "bad moms". After reading this I hope I will check my judgement of other moms at the door. I hope I will be a better friend to my "mom friends". And mostly I hope that I will have the courage to stand up to the people who are judging other moms. One of my favorite parts of this book are quotes from real life moms. Some of my favorites were "I would trade my husband for a housekeeper and " Sometimes I think about how I gave up nine months of drinking for this." I found the honesty of these moms refreshing because I too have secretly had these very same thoughts. This book will make you laugh, and cry. But mostly it will make you realize that you are not alone, all of us are losing our minds. We are just not telling anyone.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recommended to any moms out there that often feel less than, over stressed or anxious, or who feel like you "love being a mom, but [sometimes] hate doing it." These sentences in the closing paragraphs sum it up;

"Just that one set of exercises--naming, examining, and reconfiguring your expectations--will help you live your life in a much more deliberate fashion."

"Because if each of us [mothers] lets go of the insane expectations, we'll collectively create an environment that feels much better to us all."

I started reading this book this evening and stayed up late to finish it. It didn't have any groundbreaking, or super profound thoughts that I haven't heard before, but I still enjoyed it. It was a fast read that I related to it in many ways being in this season of my life.
It was broken down into chapters with ideas at the end of each chapter on how to improve the area being discussed. Areas included: Align Your Expectations with Reality, Make Peace with Your Choices, Lose the Judgement, Let Go of Guilt, Tell Him What You Need, Honor Your Whole Self, Just Say No, and Live in the Moment. The ideas offered are simple, yet sometimes it's the simplest ideas that aren't so simple to put into action. I hope to really try and implement some of the ideas to help me be a more purposeful mother with realistic expectations for myself and my family.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title of this book caught my eye as I was wandering slowly and kid-less through Target. I picked it up and read the first paragraph and cried. I'd had *that* day as a stay-at-home mom and even a few sentences of understanding were enough to reduce me to tears. Well, that and I was 6 months pregnant.

I loved this book for the refreshing honesty the writers used. As a former career woman turned mom, I felt by reading the words of these two women, I was immediately their friend; I was in the club. I found myself reading each sentence faster and faster, hoping to find an answer hidden in the pages. Sometime after my feet went numb from standing too long in one place, I decided to purchase the book.

I thought then that I would like to bring the same feeling to my readers - root them to the spot as soon as they began reading and only bring them back to reality when nature called.

[Lili · Rating 4 out of 5]

After thinking about it, I decided for 4 stars. I find Goodreads should offer 3.5 stars sometimes :). What this book made me realize was why I get angry at moms telling me how helpful their husbands are. So is mine: he cooks, he takes our daughter to school, he occasionally cleans. But it's the mental work that wears me down sometimes. It's me deciding what school she'll go to, what shoes she need, I go buy them, I think about her school lunch, I decide which books we'll buy for her, etc. I admit I like being in control of all this, but then every now and then I break down from pressure. And from my own expectations. This book was a nice reminder that I can slow down sometimes. And that sometimes not making a perfect strudel doesn't mean I'm a hopeless mother. :) And that instead of making that strudel, I can just play with her for a while and she'll appreciate it very much.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book I have read in a really long time but I *think* part of it is because I am raising a child, battling with the "mom guilt" on occassion and desperately trying to find my own way in society as myself, a wife & a mother. It really touched me and offered me a fresh perspective on so many aspects of my life. I really love the funny "secrets" in each chapter, the quizzes to help you be introspective and how easy the book is to follow. I read the entire book in two days and loved it! I found it to be somewhat of a "self help" book for moms and would highly recommend it to other moms.

LOVED IT!!!

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book that attempts to debunk the myths about what it means to be a "good mom." I love the candid interviews and I love the list of come-backs for those annoying judgers out there (e.g. Comment: You let your toddler watch TV? Comeback: Oh yeah, her favorite movie is The Exorcist -- you should see her impression of the pea-soup scene?) I also love the chapter about sex after baby (one more thing on the To Do List that never ends) -- my favorite mom quote is "A boner in the back is not foreplay" -- ain't it the truth, ladies! Pass this on to any stressed-out, guilt-ridden mom (that's ANY mom you know). A fun, fast read.

[Jaime · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not sure I can find the words for how much I enjoyed this book. Not only did I enjoy reading it, I NEEDED to read this book. I thought it was going to be more of a comedy book but if describe it more of a self-love book. The authors are so real and gentle and firm at the same time and they walk you through your redicious mom expectations and show you how redicious they truly are. I really really appreciate this book.

[Melissa (Semi Hiatus Until After the Holidays) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, mostly because of the season I was in when I read it. Might not translate well as time passes, but I liked it when I read it.

[Bree · Rating 1 out of 5]

I started reading it and got really into it...but then I just sorta lost interest.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that probably never would have ended up on my TBR had it not been for my public library.

I was there, waiting for my kids to finish playing on the computers and picking out their books while perusing the parenting resources shelf. The title was fun and when I pulled it out, my daughter shrieked about the pink cupcake on the cover. When I flipped to the back I snorted and knew I had to take it straight to the check-out.

“You need this book if you consider going to the dentist your special ‘alone time.’”

I had said this to my hygienist not two weeks ago.

Trisha Ashworth and Amy Noble have assembled a wonderfully down to earth self help guide for us moms who have ever felt overwhelmed by the pressures of modern motherhood. It’s a practical guide for making sure that we regain the balance in our lives to make us the most effective people our children and husbands (oh yes, there is a bunch dedicated to their role in this craziness) need for everyone’s overall happiness.

I cried—and laughed—through most of it, because it was all so darn relatable. You’ll realize that no matter what you’re feeling about how you’re doing as a mom, you’re not alone. And for that I am so grateful.

[Wendy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was written back when my children were all elementary school age and I would’ve related to the contents of it better at that time than now. I also felt like due to some of the ways the mothers related to other mothers and to their husbands, it made the book feel dated. The marriages I’m observing now seem much more egalitarian than what is represented here.

The book is an encouragement of sorts for moms of young kids still in the trenches of those challenges. My youngest is 18 and I am parenting adult children and adult stepchildren so my challenges are very different now.

The book made me smile as I remembered those long ago days, but it wasn’t very relatable for me now.

Read this if your kids are currently 10 and under!

[Katie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I needed a book like this right now, that would make me feel better about motherhood. And it did, but it felt like it was lacking so much. There’s no great jewels of wisdom in this book or anything that I took away to make my life a little easier. I took a few months off from reading it cause it wasn’t hitting the spot. Decided to pick it up and finish it and I really just wouldn’t recommend it.

[Tracey White · Rating 2 out of 5]

I kept reading this in the hope that there would be a big reveal at the end but there wasn't. I expected this book to be a tongue in cheek example of motherhood but it wasn't. A little disappointing really. Maybe I would've got more out of it if I was American, it had no relevance for me.