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496 pages, Paperback
First published April 13, 1959
"Never mind your spiritual experiences and your exalted moods. Was it you who pinched George Tupper's hat, suit, socks, shirts, shoes and maroon cravat?"
I make no claim to any particular perspicacity in asking the question. It was pure routine. Whenever suits, shirts, socks, ties and whatnot are found to be missing, the Big Four at Scotland Yard always begin their investigations by spreading a dragnet for S. F. Ukridge.
"Lovely day," he said
"Beautiful," said the girl.
"The sun," said Augustus, pointing it out with his umbrella.
The girl said "Yes she had noticed the sun."
An ardent swain who is left alone in the silent night in the garden of the aunt of the girl he loves does not say to himself"Ho, hum. Well, better call it a day I suppose" and go home to bed. He backs away from the house and stands gazing reverently up at her window. And if, like Augustus, he does not know which her window is, he gazes reverently at all the windows, just taking them in rotation.
In a corner of the bar parlour of the Angler's Rest a rather heated dispute had arisen between a Small Bass and a Light Lager. Their voices rose angrily:
"Old", said the Small Bass.
"Ol", said the Light Lager.
-"You are casting me aside like a...what are those things that people cast aside?
-"'Worn-out glove,' is I presume, the expression for which you are groping."
-"Do you know," said Reginald struck by a thought, "I don't believe I've ever cast aside a worn-out glove. I always gave mine to the Salvation Army."
- "Ho!,", said the sergeant, speaking like a tiger of the jungle deprived of it's prey, if tigers of the jungle in those circumstances do say 'Ho!'?
-" Something the matter my boy?," I asked, concerned.
- "Only doom, disaster, desolation and despair" he said, scowling darkly at a fly which had joined us doing callisthenics on the rim of my glass.
-"Mrs. Botts gave English literature a bad name by turning out those unpleasant whimsical things to which women of her type are so addicted. 'My Chums the Pixies' was one of her titles, 'How to Talk to the Flowers' another, and 'Many of My Best Friends are Field Mice' a third."
'You love her?'
'Madly.'
'And how do you find it affects your game?'
'I've started shanking a bit.'
The Oldest Member nodded.
'I am sorry,' he said, 'but not surprised. Either that or missing short putts is what generally happens on these occasions. I doubt if golfers ought to fall in love. I have known it to cost men ten shots in a medal round. The think of the girl and forget to keep their eyes on the ball.'
Amanda Biffen, the girl he loved, though she admired his looks--for, like all the Mulliners, he was extraordinarily handsome--had never wavered in her view that if men were dominoes, he would have been the double blank.
Only the fact of his having no soul prevented the iron from entering into it.
…
"My whole past life flashed before me."
"Tough luck," said Freddie sympathetically. "That must have been rotten."
In these disturbed days in which we live, it has probably occurred to all thinking men that something drastic ought to be done about aunts.
"The whimsical way she put it was that a woman who married a man my size ran a serious risk of being arrested for bigamy."