Rewind Replay Repeat: A Memoir of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by Bell, Jeff (2007) Paperback

by Jeff Bell

The revealing story of one man's struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and his hard-won recovery.Rewind, Replay, Repeat is the revealing story of Jeff Bell's struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and his hard-won recovery. Nagging It's a part of everyday life. Who hasn't doubled back to check on a door or appliance? But what if one check wasn't enough? Nor two or three? And what if nagging doubt grew so intense that physical senses became all but useless? Such was the case for Bell, a husband, father, and highly successful radio news anchor--and one of the millions of Americans living with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). His fascinating memoir recounts the depths to which this debilitating anxiety disorder reduced him--to driving his car in continuous circles, scouring his hands in scalding water, and endlessly rewinding, replaying, and repeating in his head even the most mundane daily experiences. Readers will learn what OCD feels like from the inside, and how healing from such a devastating condition is possible through therapy, determination, and the support of loved ones.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Memoir, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Biography, Biography Memoir

Paperback

First published December 28, 2006

About the author

Jeff Bell is an author, news anchor, and motivational speaker.

Since the publication of his OCD memoir, “Rewind, Replay, Repeat,” in early 2007, he has traveled extensively, lending his support to numerous mental health organizations, including the OC Foundation, for which he now serves as a National Spokesperson.

He is a 2007 recipient of Mental Health America’s prestigious forWARDS Award, for “moving the cause of mental health forward,” and is co-founder of the YourGreaterGood.com project, aiming to help motivate others with OCD to tackle the rigors of treatment.

Bell is a 20-year veteran of radio and television news and currently anchors afternoons at KCBS Radio, the CBS Network’s San Francisco flagship.

Reviews

[Luna · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a fellow sufferer of OCD, I can definitely feel the anguish Jeff Bell was going through during the severe bouts of anxiety he suffered (and most likely still suffers). This is something that OCs will probably be the ones to understand, or the ones to really appreciate this book, I think. I know I did. Certain passages really grabbed my attention and spoke to me.

One day I boast of being on top of the world, the next I use the most dire language possible to describe the depths of my hell. One day I list three items on my episodes cards; the next day twelve. Up and down, and up and down again. Week after week.

I know what Bell's talking about here- that agony of being right, of being well, for so long, and then to find it crashing down around you. The depression and feeling of failure that sinks in afterwards.

It's a case of managing the illness, of learning strategies, of ways of dealing with it. That way one can combat OCD, to shove it back and learn to live instead of hiding behind the obsessions and compulsions.

[Elaine D · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a sufferer of clinical OCD since childhood, I haven't had the courage to read a book on the subject until now. I once tried to watch a TV special on it and ended up vomiting all night. That being said, I can attest that Jeff Bell's accounts of his OCD is accurate and relatable to anyone with the same disorder. I am a "checker" myself-- both a mental checker AND a physical checker. I'm also a "repeater" and a "reassurance seeker" to a fault. I'm now medicated and I see a therapist every other week to keep my compulsions and rituals under control, but I can tell you that this book was very wonderful to read! It was fantastic reading about Jeff's triumphs over this doubting disease and it gives others hope that things CAN come to a state of normalcy and an occasional slip up is normal (and not life-threatening!) Thanks for writing such a candid and frank memoir and sharing it with the world!

[Kay · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a heart-wrenching look into what it's like to live with severe OCD. And believe me, it seems severe and devastating. The writing is not what's tedious about this book: what really makes you squirm is the repetition that makes little sense to non-OCD brained people. And it's a good kind of squirm, because sometimes it's necessary to know others' pain as part of growing up.

Bell's memoir was a quick read that I could hardly put down. It's easy to get absorbed in, and easier still to just keep reading. Chapters are short and the language is straightforward. If I ever teach a class on mental illness, this is hands-down one of the books I would assign.

[Sandy D. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a lot more readable than the last book on OCD I read a few months ago, probably because the author has worked in communications for years. He's a radio announcer/reporter in CA, who was (and still is!) happily married, successful, etc., when for no particular reason (no trauma in his life), his anxiety and guilt about safety - mostly other people's safety - shot through the roof.

He writes about his attempts to get help in the 90's, different strategies and therapy, coping with OCD, hiding it from his kids, friends and co-workers (he couldn't hide it from his wife for long, or as his kids got older) and the toll that took. It really is fascinating and though his life was less tortured and dysfunctional than Edward Zine's (the author of "Life in Rewind", isn't it interesting how they both use rewind in their titles? it's an OCD thing), it still was bad. And since Bell's life was so mundane, so normal-seeming before OCD, it somehow makes his story more realistic, more approachable and less voyeuristic to read - like this could be you, or your BIL, or your father.

As Bell got a measure of control over "Director Doubt" (his externalization of his OCD, a therapy strategy) through exposure/response prevention and cognitive behavioral therapy and a weird spirituality, he decided he needed to tell his story. It really is funny in parts, and quite illuminating in parts. There is a section of the book where his first grader comes home with head lice that is hilarious and sad and worth the price of the book itself.

Here's his blog for Psychology Today if you want to get a feel for his writing: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/b...

I realized I heard Bell on NPR a few years ago when I was reading the book (a couple of the episodes sounded so familiar), so here's the story from that: http://www.npr.org/templates/transcr....

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Probably the most detailed look into an OC's brain that I've ever read or seen. His OCD makes my childhood (PANDAS) OCD look like a trip to Hawaii---and I had it all: scrupulosity, harm, checking, repeating, washing, illness. even sexual. Jeff's illness, although limited in scope, seemed to consume him from the inside-out. It's amazing that he suffered for so long yet was able to pull himself out of it. What a brave, determined person.

[Alice · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was painful to read - it always makes me really uncomfortable to read about the episodes that other OCDers suffer. However, it also makes me feel less weird and alone about it, and occasionally I find something useful in terms of behavioral ways to combat my compulsions. The author's relatively spiritual methods for living with his OCD will not work well for me, I'm afraid.

[Melissa · Rating 1 out of 5]

I love anything to do with psychology so I figured I'd enjoy this book. The first bit was somewhat interesting, but as it went along I found it a bit boring and hard to focus on - so I stopped after a few chapters. Maybe others would enjoy it though.

[Deanna Mora · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was too long and drawn out. I usually read a book in less than a week and this took me nearly a month because it was difficult to stay involved with.

[Emily Rodríguez · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brutal personal account of severe OCD, as well as the many hangups and difficulties one finds in trying to access treatment. I found this account surprisingly relatable despite my own ‘pure obsessional’ tendencies around sanity and violent harm, and I really appreciated Bell’s emphasis on the invisible but crushing burden of mental rituals and reassurance seeking compulsions on one’s presence, one’s time, and one’s closest social connections. He perfectly captures the feeling of unrelenting, exhausting urgency that accompanies obsession, as well as the shock and grief of finally looking up and realizing how much time has passed (often months or years) and how much has been lost or destroyed in the meantime; how much one has neglected or hurt cherished friends and family members, and how many personal values and passions have been obscured by fear. His ability to find recovery and engage in ERP despite how terrifying it is gives me hope for myself, and I’m so grateful he’s decided to share his journey with the greater OC community.

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love reading memoirs about funky brains - whether about brain disorders, quirky personalities, mental illnesses or really anything that gets to what makes us tick the way we do. And I have a bit of an obsession with OCD and mental health that in recent years people are talking about more and more. So OCD - I am an orderer. For the most part my OCD is obsessive-compulsive personality, but not so much in disorder. But I GET IT. And once you have beaten it, it's really fun to read about it, at least i think so. So this is a memoir about a checker. And he has it bad. Really bad. He suffers from thinking that his actions will cause harm to others, and he gets stuck checking and rechecking that he has not harmed others. So when his boat bumps another boat (doing no damage and the other boat owners, says "no problem, forget about it" -- he can't and instead it turns into a lifelong obsession with stalking the boat and replaying the scene of the accident, and replaying it and replaying it to the point of serious dysfunction. If you don't get it, you'd think that he is nuts. I get it, and yet it still seems kinda nuts. But move my scissors away from their respective "home" and nothing can happen untill they are found "and put in order." Like I said, I get it. And since this is a very different kind of OCD than I have - I learned a lot about being a checker. It is tragic though that only in recent years has this become an understood and easily treated condition. This poor guy had to fight through it the hardway and pave the road so to speak. So yeah, this is a great read, and one that will stay with me as I continue to rewind and replay it in my head...

[Rhonnie Cough · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really liked this book. Makes me realize that I take for granted a life with a (somewhat) normal functioning brain, especially since I sometimes struggle with anxiety and racing/obsessive thoughts. I could relate to a lot of his issues (although not even close to what he suffers). The amount of compassion I feel for him is unending! He inspires me for doing the HARD work it takes to move forward one day at a time, as with an addiction. Also - his wife Samantha is a saint, and I'd love to read a book from her perspective. I can't imagine all that she's gone through - having an absentee husband basically because of this disorder. Does she feel she enabled him some of the time? Or was it necessary? I also can't help but think of "Doubt" as another name for the Devil himself who causes confusion and chaos. Jeff discovered a good amount of spirituality, though in my opinion a lot of it is kinda new agey mumbo jumbo but it helps him overcome so that's good. It's still relying too much on your own ability and I think more healing could come from full surrender to God in Jesus. BUT of course that's not what this book was about and he has his own journey, haha. Anyway---this book was SO interesting. Written really well. I just appreciate the honesty and the bluntness in his storytelling. It's not overly emotional or sentimental which I think makes it all the more powerful.

[Masked · Rating 4 out of 5]

i bought this because i have a sister with ocd and i wanted to be more helpful than just messing up her counting when we walk up stairs at the same time. as i read, i found surprising connections to my own bipolar self and behavior i'd sort of ignored. moving with the author through his days, it is easy to see how a person can rationalize and even encourage their own obsessive thoughts.

this book is a little light on how he learns to manage his mind. that is common with this sort of book. folks with mental illnesses often are so grateful for a return to "normal" life, whatever that may be, that they can't really put a finger on what it is that shifted and got them back to a good place. they just know it happened. but the exploration of bell's obsessive thoughts is incredibly helpful and rather interesting, as well.

[Jd Guinn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Was not all that I was looking for, but then when does an OC think he can find all the answers in one place. Like too many of my life situations I may have been guilty of looking for a cure; rather than a solution. Bell did an excellent job of recounting his experience and reported well one other's. This illness presents with so many manifestations that one cannot, in a memoir, pretend to present them all. Regardless of presenting factors, we mostly like order (however chaotic it may seem to others)! I fell in love with the index card idea and am enlarging the pyramid for my own use. Thank you Jeff! How many times did I reread this? Still i know there are errors in syntax, punctuation, spelling etc...

[Kendra · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fascinating book about an individual with OCD, specifically the checking type. The author does a great job of taking us through his daily struggles and triumphs while battling his OCD and helps us to see how challenging it is for him to get through an average day. It is however, primarily an inspiring story about finding the tools, resources, and strength in yourself to overcome what seem to be insurmountable odds. It is a very touching story and a quick read. The quote on the front of the book from Jeffrey M. Schwartz the author of "Brain Lock" sums it up best: "The best first-person account available on life from the point of view of the OCD sufferer." So far, it's the best first-hand account that I have read and I highly recommend it.

[Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

I remember Jeff Bell as a commentator on KFBK in Sacramento and enjoyed his easy style of reporting. After reading this memoir, I have a new found respect for him. I have a friend who suffers from OCD and another friend's son who suffers from it; this really gave me insight to the turmoil each lives with daily. Good read if you are interested in how people with OCD view the world

[Andi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've been trying to find interesting books about mental health for an upcoming book club. Bell's memoir about his OCD takes you into the daily dialogue that he experiences in his brain. Sometimes reading this book became tedious, but that helped me gain a greater appreciation for the difficulties of those with OCD. If you ever wondered what goes on in a OCD brain, this is it.

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

First person account of the horrors of living with OCD. The author did find help by using the methods listed in the excellent book Brain Lock and through using the tools of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy but had to personalize the tools so that they worked for him. Good resource for anyone who is OCD or knows someone who is.

[Jenn]

I really want to pass this along to an OC friend, but don't know if he'll read a used book or consider it contaminated! I really appreciated this guy's honesty about his struggle, and that he admits it took a combo of therapy, meds, spirituality, connectedness and self-will to make strides. Very inspiring!

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent look inside the mind of an obsessive-compulsive and the struggle/journey Jeff Bell goes through to discover acceptance, release, and spirituality. I laughed, I cried, but most of all, I felt compassion and saw a bit of myself in Jeff's illness. A must-read for those struggling with or struggling to understand OCD or other anxiety-based illness. Five stars.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book. It wasnt that well written but it does what it is intended to do...recount a struggle with OCD. I like books that give hope. We can learn so much from other peoples lives, mistakes and experiences. Which is exactly why I love to read memoirs.

[Alexandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Astonishing first person account of OCD. This man has accomplished a tremendous feat in writing this clear, complex, highly readable and, yes, utterly compelling acount of his years coming to terms with OCD. Fascinating read.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life. I can't recommend it more highly especially with all the OCD talk out there in the media these days - Jeff shares his honest touching inspiring story. Can't wait for his next book being published this fall by New World Library!!

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

Unfortunately this book just dragged on. It is rare that I give up on a book, but I just could not bare to trudge through it any further. Oh well. It was an interesting look into OCD; it just went on a little too long.

[Danica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although the focus of Jeff's OCD is different than mine, his writing is still eerily resonant. I'd recommend this to anyone who wants to understand what it's like to be in the head of someone with OCD.

[Janie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hard for me to handle some of the subject, but definitely a solidly good read, and a quick read too.

[Katherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very well-written, but very painful to read. Because it is so well-written. Read at your own risk.

[Ilona · Rating 3 out of 5]

I learned a lot about OCD from this book - wow! Very enlightening and human

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

Terrific insight into an OCD sufferer's tortured world, and his failures in dealing with those issues, before an ultimately successful result - definitely recommended.

[ami · Rating 1 out of 5]

not quite what i thought it would be.

[Boomie · Rating 3 out of 5]

We've all heard of the most common manifestations of OCD, but Bell reveals and details his startling array of mind-boggling compulsions whose absurdity forces a sad-tinged laughter.