What a Nice Guy

by Phil Torcivia, Melanie Durkee (Illustrator)

Do you know any nice guys? Perhaps you're married to or good friends with one. Well, consider the possibility that this nice guy is so frustrated with his relationship failures that he needs to vent to keep from turning into a bad boy with anger issues. Then, try not to spit hot coffee as you read his sarcastic rants about why men and women don't seem to fit.Excerpt from What a Nice Guy -- Snippity Doo Dah My initial vasectomy consultation is scheduled for today and I can't get this song out of my Snippity doo dah, snippity aye, My, oh my, what a wonderful day! None of my sperm is going to stray. Snippity doo dah, snippity aye. Mister blue balls getting older, No child support It's so practical. Everything's satisfactual! (Everbody now ...) Snippity doo dah, snippity aye, Rubberless feelings coming my way! If you're staring at this page with mouth agape, you're either my mother or a fertile woman. Men, can I have an amen? You betcha. Look, ladies, I turn fifty this year. I need offspring like I need square dancing lessons. If I were to have one of my little guys actually find an egg, that would make me almost seventy by the time Junior went to prom. I'd be riding my daughter down the aisle on my scooter. I've done the math. It costs $800, which is equivalent to twenty morning-after pills, two abortions, or a case of Silver Oak wine. I'll sacrifice the latter for peace of mind. It is also one-hundredth the cost of a college education, one-tenth the cost of a used car (plus repairs), and half the cost of outgrown sneakers. I know, I know. "You still need to wear condoms. What about STDs?" That's true (and it sucks), but it makes the whole process less stressful when breakage or slippage occurs. Actually, I think I've only had a rubber break once in my life. Slippage has happened numerous times. (OK, stop with the tiny penis jokes.) I'm sure we've all had that shocking/embarrassing moment when ole Willy leaves the party without his jacket. Then we have to go a-mining--trying to locate the jacket without pushing it in farther or causing spillage. It's an art, people. When I mentioned my appointment to two female doctors I met this weekend, they both said, "Oh my god! Why would you do that?" Judging by their reactions, you'd think I just toe-fucked a Pomeranian. "Because I don't want to have kids." "What if you end up with a woman who wants to have kids?" "Then she can have kids." "So, you'd get it reversed, right?" "Oh, hell no. I'd send her to the bank." "You're awful." "Thank you." It's a ten-minute procedure. That's one-third of the time it takes me to run to CVS, crack open the capsule, and mix it in her OJ. There is a twinge of anxiety around ball problems. I'm going to have to work through it (with a little help from my sponsor, Johnnie Walker). My friend has been dealing with complications from his snipping. It may have something to do with where he had the procedure at Señor Vaso's in Tijuana. "I had a reaction that makes my one ball think it's cold." "Huh?" "One of my nuts tucks itself high against my body." "So, you're a bit lop-balled, are ya?" "Yup." "That sucks." "Yeah it does.

304 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 7, 2011

About the author

Torcivia is a divorced man who transplanted himself from Pennsylvania into the treacherous dating pool in Southern California. His feline companions, Syd and Symon, share his home in San Diego and an occasional dish of leftover tuna. Torcivia loves nothing better than bellying up to the bar with his favorite social lubrication (wine) and watching the bizarre mating rituals of the locals, which he translates into humorous essays. He has been single long enough to be involved in a few train wrecks of his own, admitting that he's "one relationship disaster away from a third cat."

Reviews

[Terry LaBarba · Rating 5 out of 5]

**Humorous, Yet Loaded with Insight**

I found myself reading this one to quickly escape, knowing the segments were short, easily picking it up and putting it down as I needed to fit it into a hectic and tumultuous time for me. The comedy of it was soothing and lightened my heart, but this book runs deeper than the casual read. There's a lot of self discovery that can happen when you recognize yourself within the accounts.

Torcivia has a way with words. His ability to find another way to say, or call something makes me hand him the prize, like when he described a popular, men's short hairstyle and I really knew what he meant and laughed at the truth in it. Phil, you had me at "duck butt bangs".

This ebook made me laugh out loud many times but once I actually cried, being moved by the sentiments on his Dad. I related to it, felt my heart reach out to his and was glad that he included that particular expression in the first book of his that I tried.

Most of the time I was amazed how knowledgeable Torcivia was on the subject of women. Either he knows them well from experience or he's one talented researcher. Note to all men: pay attention to the insights within. There's a bigger payoff if you can find a way to apply even a small amount of his learning.

He blows the cover on men, too, describing some less desirable behavior. He offers a chapter entitled "Apology on Behalf of Men". Read it women. It may be the only apology you'll get. I couldn't help wondering if this book wouldn't be the perfect advertisement to females for Torcivia himself. Discovering a man who knows women so well and admits his own mistakes is a turn on for the fairer sex. Of course they would have to be open minded to his viewpoints (there are many and they are well defined). It would be a wise woman to allow him his truth. If this is the author's own personal experience instead of fiction, then what an in depth, personal dating profile this read could be.

The book was loaded with more chapters and subjects than I had expected. I thought it could end anytime, feeling enriched already but no, the author gave more and more, turning this book into one of the best bargains I have ever come across. I admire his abundant supply of inspiration and creative focus.

Perhaps one of Torcivia's missions in life is to observe (he's excellent at that) and to teach (I learned a lot) and to make us laugh while he does it (a very effective way to get things across). Whatever his calling, if this entertaining, truth laden compilation of wisdom and opinion is an example of his previous work, I can't wait to read more.

[M.j. Holmes · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quoted Matter:
"When asked what type of woman I'm attracted to and what I'm looking for in a relationship, I hear Nature giggle at each answer." ~from the chapter 'BOTTLED'

Keeping in mind I have yet to read this book's predecessors, and that I'm happily married with children, I found Mr. Torcivia's work an entertaining piece. The fifth of his collections of weblog entries, he writes of love, the sexes, and getting snipped.
If his other works equal this one, then you can be sure you'll not find a more humorous series of ponderings where the cynicism is not only biting, it latches on and gnaws for marrow.
"Nice Guy" is portrayed as a man with moral scruples in a world where those are outdated principles that got pushed aside for a quickie in the loo. However, he does not restrain himself and speaks as openly as your best friend you've bellied up to the bar with.
He bashes men and women, but mostly appeals to women to tell him the punchline to the joke about love and dating while showing them there's worse things in the world to be waking up next to. You'll find pointers for men in his "fiction"; twice the pointers for women in his "truth".
There are short dialogues that cut to the quick of each matter in simple words. Sex-related jokes are clever even in their trashiness, and don't be expecting the delivery to be any cleaner. Torcivia doesn't mind stating he's comfortable with his own ineptitudes, attitudes or platitudes. This is something I can respect in the morning.

Pros & Cons:
As weblog entries go, I advise that this collection should be read in portions or in several sittings so that you don't immediately pick up on similarity of themes between chapters. I did get surprised by tribute piece to his father tucked in where I never expected it; proving there's more important things in life than the basic pleasures requiring notice. The rarer ones sometimes fly under the radar.
Apart from the formatting issues that still plague eBooks between eReader platforms, typos or hanging pages are the least of your worries. It is a humorous piece and has a small following that enjoy it too.

"Nice Guy" strikes me as someone I would gladly share a bucket of wings and a bottle of good whiskey with and learn a few things I didn't already experience myself. Being a denizen of the SDC doesn't hurt either.

"What A Nice Guy" and the previous books of the series can be purchased at $.99 for the Amazon Kindle and Kindle eReader platforms.

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you need a pick me up (if you choose not to indulge in alcohol or recreational drugs), then you should read this book. I don't find many books that could make me laugh out loud, but I definitely was with this book.

It's basically a book composed of the author's thoughts in the world of men, women, sex, dating and other things categorized under miscellaneous. All told with a great sense of humor (at least in my opinion - I know there are people out there who may get offended w/his language and humor which funny enough is a subject he covers in his book). I especially like the little anectdotes included, they were the funniest by far (i.e. "Rosie", the stuttering girl, and the kinky couple in Vegas).

I actually agreed with many of his thoughts regarding the behaviors of men and women and of dating and relationships.I would never have the balls to say some of the things he does, but it's nice to know someone who does. lol I actually found myself seeing how women can be regarded as crazy and bitchy because I would read a certain passage and say "wow what a bitch!"

Anyways if you're looking to make yourself feel better and be preoccupied for a couple of hours get the book. It will make you laugh out loud and maybe even get your brain working about the opposite gender. We can use all the help we can get, right?

[Meghan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I came across this book on the Women’s Literary Cafe website and requested it as one of my January review picks. It wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be, but I ended up enjoying it for what it was.

What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia is a book comprised of various vignettes about life, love, and relationships from the blog that Phil keeps. Many of them are humorous, although there are people who would probably consider some of them crass as well. As a divorced man approaching age 50, Phil has had much experience in both life and love and it certainly shows in these vignettes.

Like I mentioned above, this book was not what I was expecting. When I requested it, I thought it was fiction. I am not usually a humor or non-fiction reader. However, given that I finished it in about five days, I would say that I enjoyed it. At first, I wasn’t sure what this book was even about, as the vignettes are connected only through illustrated headings. Otherwise, they were very diverse, with few connecting threads. The humor was sometimes crass, which some people might find off-putting, but I don’t mind bad language or sexual humor. Overall, the book was funny, and I got some good laughs, but it is not on my list of favorites. I give it three stars out of five.

[Christine Cunningham · Rating 3 out of 5]

I admit reading some of the articles in this book were laughable and that all of them were meant to be taken with a grain of salt. That being said I had a very hard time completing this book. It was like trying to watch Dane Cook perform. Yes, a few laughs at the beginning and then you become distracted by the bizarre prancing, and wild-eyed looks punctuated with angry hand-on-hip stances.

I understand that this brand of humor has its place in society, and I applaud the author for finding a way to vent his frustration legally. It's strange to me that women are entertained by this material. I would have thought that men would have been the bigger audience.

I rated this work three stars because while the writing was crass, it was intelligible, well put together, and I managed to think of an audience who could benefit from reading it.

I would recommend this book for those that are thoroughly disenchanted with dating and above a certain age. It would be a great addition to a divorce gift basket along with crushed candy hearts, cut up pictures, and a note written in a drunken stupor.

[Suzanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

This actually got funnier towards the end. I almost gave up on it halfway through, but I found some quiet time to really get into it, and I'm glad I finished it. The author is funny enough to smile through numerous disgusting admissions, and I could really sense his sincerity. I believe he really is a nice guy.

[Melissa Wagner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super funny easy read

This book is super funny and an easy read. Gives you a comical but serious point of view from a male on women and dating and pretty much in between. At first I wasn't sure about it but it grew on me. I would definitely recommend

[Kerry]

I couldnt finish reading this book I found it hard to get into it. Not the normal thing I would typically read but I gave it a try!

[David · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is a series of newspaper columns by a God-hating, misogynist boozehound who has the morals of an alleycat. Don't bother.