"I Ain't an Athlete, Lady...": My Well-Rounded Life and Times

by John Kruk, Paul Hagen (Collaborator)

There's a story, a funny story, about me sitting in a restaurant. I'm eating this big meal and maybe having a couple of beers and smoking a cigarette. A woman comes by the table. She recognizes me and she's shocked because it seems like I should be in training or something. She's getting all over me, saying that a professional athlete should take better care of himself. I lean back and I say to her, "I ain't an athlete, lady. I'm a baseball player."

That pretty much sums it up. In an age when athletes are getting bigger and stronger and more imposing every day, John Kruk of the National League champion Philadelphia Phillies is a hero for the rest of us. He likes his food, he likes his beer, he doesn't see much point in combing his hair and he plays the game of baseball too well for anyone to get away with hassling him about any of it. A three-time all-star, Kruk has maintained a .309 average since coming to the Phillies in 1989 and has had more fun doing it than just about anybody in sports today.

You knew the World Series against Toronto was going to be an offensive series, and [the 15-14 game] sort of epitomized that. It sucked. It was a worthless game. I told Paul Molitor - it seemed like the eighth time he was on base that day - "This ain't a World Series. The World Series is supposed to be the two best teams in the world playing. I mean, you could go to Williamsport and get two little League teams to play better than we are tonight."

"I Ain't an Athlete, Lady ..." is John Kruk's loose, funny view of his life, his world, his game, and his teammates - the wildest and flakiest bunch of players since the Gashouse Gang of the 1930s. ("In our clubhouse, if you called somebody a psychopathic idiot, it was a pretty good compliment.") Kruk shares his stories of growing up in a small town in West Virginia ("People in West Virginia do have cars. We have indoor plumbing. We even use knives and forks"), passes along his diet tips ("The best diet is just to go into a restaurant and say, 'Give me the thing on your menu that tastes the worst.' It'll probably be good for you, because that's what everything else I've eaten that's supposed to be good for me tastes like"), takes us on a tour of the Phillies' locker room ("When Jim Eisenreich first came to the Phillies, I said to some of the guys, 'Look at that guy. He looks like a mass murderer, staring like he wants to kill one of us.

He looks like Jeffrey Dahmer.' So I started calling him Dahmer, and he liked it"), and tells why he was looking forward to a post-World Series visit to the White House ("He may be President, but he's not pardoned from being ragged on. If I can get on Dale Murphy, I can rag Bill Clinton").

. Kruk's take-nothing-too-seriously-and-take-no-prisoners outlook shines through. "I Ain't an Athlete, Lady ..." makes clear why Kruk is rapidly becoming the most popular player in the game today.

Genres: Sports, Baseball, Biography, Memoir, Nonfiction

256 pages, Hardcover

First published May 17, 1994

Reviews

[Steve D · Rating 2 out of 5]

John Kruk was absolutely one of my favorite Phillies growing up, and I loved that 1993 Phils team. I really enjoyed reading all the stories from that season because it brought back so many great memories. During a handful of stories in this book, I actually laughed out loud. The Krukker is an excellent story teller.

Unfortunately, I was surprised by what a first-class complainer Kruk turned out to be. Jesus, you would think being a professional baseball player is the worst occupation in the world after reading this thing. The flights and buses, being on the road, the media, the fans, the scheduling, the taxes, the owners, the umpires, the artificial turf. Nothing is exempt from Krukker's wrath of complaints. Am I supposed to feel bad for him because he's famous and people want his autograph? Tough life! What a grump.

The book is also about 100 pages too long. The last 100 pages, with the exception of the part about the 1993 NLCS against the Braves, just jump all over the place and have absolutely no flow. I realize that Kruk isn't really a writer, but it got a little bit tough to read. It's not a terrible read for people who were kids during that '93 season and fell in love with the team, but I wouldn't strongly recommend it to anyone.

[MCT · Rating 2 out of 5]

Started well with the ‘93 World Series but then went back in time. Interesting that the book was written mid-career because he played like another 10 years and did broadcasting after that. One of the few players to retire mid-game.

[Eudora Linde · Rating 4 out of 5]

“When I first came to Philly, we got booed a lot more than we did a couple years later, even though we were still in last place. And I think the reason is that, by then, even though we weren’t winning as much as we wanted to, we went out and busted our ass every night. Philly fans appreciate that.”
.
“I ain’t an athlete, lady.” The title alone! Watch one game with John Kruk, and you won’t be surprised the major leaguer said it at all. This book is like having a beer with Kruk, and listening to him ramble - without TMac to shut him up. He rambles - truly - and wanders a bit, but it’s Kruk. If you’re here to read this, you’re here to listen to him anyway; you’re familiar with his antics then and now, and want to hear it from the horse’s mouth. And really - if you’ve ever heard him call a game, you’ll hear him reading this whole thing. It’s hilarious, it’s really real in a few spots, and it is absolutely worth your time as a Phillies fan. 🌟🌟🌟🌟/🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

[Adam Roll · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was pressured to read this and I enjoyed it for the most part. Kruk is great when he does the commentary on the Phillies, and it was interesting to hear about his experiences in the league. I wasn't a big fan of baseball during the years he played however, so all of the names were lost on me. His personality comes across in the stories, and he seems like a really nice guy, being a celebrity on that level must be difficult. A good read.

[Heidi Schieber · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you’re a Phillies fan and especially a John Kruk fan, this book is like having a conversation with him. All over the place, repeats himself multiple times, and abruptly ends. So fun—hoping to meet him this week and get it autographed!

[Lane · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting view of baseball by John Kruk. Nice observations on baseball in the 90's and especially the Phillies. Kruk is definitely an interesting character who was a good ballplayer.
Some good ideas on the game from 30 years ago.

[Colin Milon · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the biggest characters the game has seen. Hilarious stories from one of the wildest Phillies teams ever.

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

John Krum played for the Phillies and is now their best announcer.

[Matthew Adrian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Greatest baseball book ever written in my own humble opinion even though I haven’t read all of them maybe there is one out there I haven’t read who Knows?

[Joe · Rating 3 out of 5]

John Kruk is a pretty funny guy, both to read about and to watch (when he played). This is an entertaining look at Mr. Kruk, the Phillies, a professional baseball players life, and other short looks at events that happened in the world in the 80's and 90's.

[Chris · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an old one I finally tracked down, written shortly after the 1993 World Series. Nothing ground breaking here, but as a Phillies fan and a huge John Kruk fan, it was cool to learn a little about his story and get his takes on the relevant baseball topics of the 1990's.

[Stella · Rating 4 out of 5]

i just don't know how anyone doesn't like john kruk. he's badass and i think he puts a great spin on the baseball perspective.

[Deborah Sullivan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fun, funny book by the good old boy of the 1993 Phillies.

[Jess Herman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this when I was in middle school & thought it was hilarious. I recall that Phillies team of misfits who went from dead last place to the world series in a year.