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9 Things You Simply Must Do To Succeed in Love and Life
Succeed in love and life by observing these 9 basic principles
246 pages, Hardcover
First published August 1, 2004
605 people are currently reading
2572 people want to read
About the author
Henry Cloud
210 books2,168 followersDr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 228 reviews
March 11, 2008
1. Dig it up - recognize & invest in talents & watch grow.
2. Pull the tooth - do not hang onto bad stuff, move past negative. (if fixable, get busy & try to fix!)
3. Play the movie - make decision based on effects, helps prepare for challenges.
4. Do something - work to improve the situation, even if not your responsibility/ fault.
5. Act like an Ant - do small steps. (rather than feeling overwhelmed by big goal)
6. Hate Well - take a stand against toxic issues, resolve conflict while being kind.
7. Don't play fair - give back BETTER than you are given. "As you would have them do unto you"
8. Be Humble - help others who fail, accept your failures, admit mistakes.
9. Upset the right people - do not base decisions on reactions of others, be willing to frustrate controlling, manipulative & irresponsible people.
2. Pull the tooth - do not hang onto bad stuff, move past negative. (if fixable, get busy & try to fix!)
3. Play the movie - make decision based on effects, helps prepare for challenges.
4. Do something - work to improve the situation, even if not your responsibility/ fault.
5. Act like an Ant - do small steps. (rather than feeling overwhelmed by big goal)
6. Hate Well - take a stand against toxic issues, resolve conflict while being kind.
7. Don't play fair - give back BETTER than you are given. "As you would have them do unto you"
8. Be Humble - help others who fail, accept your failures, admit mistakes.
9. Upset the right people - do not base decisions on reactions of others, be willing to frustrate controlling, manipulative & irresponsible people.
February 1, 2011
Like all of the Dr. Henry Cloud books I have read, this one was delightfully packed with anecdotes and very tangible examples. I opted for the audio version so that I could enjoy it while I did housework and thoroughly enjoyed the reading (by the author himself). Dr. Cloud's unpretentious style makes his points very accessible and his own self-reflection gives further credence to his suggestions. So many of the points he makes are things that seem obvious once spoken and yet remarkable in that either I didn't seem to know them or didn't feel that I had permission to employ them. Reading this book in tandem with Boundaries (Cloud and Townsend) and Integrity (Cloud) has given me sound and scriptural justification to function in a way that is healthier and rarely mentioned in "Christian" circles. Prior to reading these books I struggled with feelings of guilt whenever I wanted to make a decision that was good for me or my family but would cause anger or frustration in others that I love or interact with. Caring deeply for others is part and parcel to healthy living, but so too is having a healthy relationship with yourself and healthy boundaries.
October 20, 2011
This book has a lot of common sense with a little spirituality thrown in. The principles of the book (9 things) are all good, but they are very broad. Cloud gives practical examples, but it's hard to apply these to every possible life situation. I found myself thinking, "Should have have behaved differently in XX situation given this principle?". It's hard to know, and maybe that is what the author wants us to question, since we are all in the maturing process and none of us has arrived. I liked the way this book made you process your progress and personal journey.
Some fav quotes from the book:
Humility is not having a need to be more than you are.
Go hard on the issue and soft on the person.
Give back better than you are given. People who succeed in life do not go around settling scores. They do not even keep score.
Remember, if you had it all together, you would already be there. So, just get comfortable with the fact that there are things about yourself and your ways that need correction.
Some fav quotes from the book:
Humility is not having a need to be more than you are.
Go hard on the issue and soft on the person.
Give back better than you are given. People who succeed in life do not go around settling scores. They do not even keep score.
Remember, if you had it all together, you would already be there. So, just get comfortable with the fact that there are things about yourself and your ways that need correction.
February 27, 2022
One of my favorite topics to ponder, discuss with my husband and others, and read about is to love one’s life. Which I also believe God created us to do, and proves that and shows us how in His Word.
My husband enjoyed the practical business aspects of this book, and I enjoy the relational aspects so this book opened many great conversations.
I enjoy this author’s audio books as he reads them himself. And I find it fascinating how his observations of successful life principles are principles God gives us in scripture.
His description of the parable of talents helped me consider and understand this parable in a different way than I ever had before.
Personally, number 9 is a weakness for me! 🙈
My husband enjoyed the practical business aspects of this book, and I enjoy the relational aspects so this book opened many great conversations.
I enjoy this author’s audio books as he reads them himself. And I find it fascinating how his observations of successful life principles are principles God gives us in scripture.
His description of the parable of talents helped me consider and understand this parable in a different way than I ever had before.
Personally, number 9 is a weakness for me! 🙈
December 5, 2015
somewhat common sense, but I can always use a dose of that. The title is emphatic. I am writing down the 9 things in cliff note version here so I can refer to them from time to time despite keeping this book no my real book shelf. Thanks to a friend who gave this to me.
I. Deja Vu people.
a. Who is a Deja vu person? People of success? It is not a person at all, it was a way.
b. People who found what they were looking for in life seemed to do a certain set of things in common.
c. The truth is that no one is excluded. If you were not born with these patterns in place, you can learn them.
II. "Take care to get what you like, or you will be forced to like what you get."
a. Growth is not only about getting healthy but about learning ways of living as well.
b. paths and patterns matter.
c. avoiding these 9 things can lead to disastrous consequences.
d. these principles are often ignored.
1. Dig it Up. "Choice of attention -- to pay attention to this and ignore that -- is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases, a man is responsible for his choice and must accept the consequences, whatever they may be. (w. h. auden)
a. Those who succeed in life cannot ignore their hearts, minds, and souls.
b. avoidance of risk is the greatest risk of all.
c. Become aware of of whatever is in your heart and "dig it up".
d. Weigh it, deal with it, talk it through, process it, integrate it with your values, judge it, and chew on it until you know with wisdom exactly what you are doing.
e. take action.
2. Pull the Tooth.
a. Successful people DO NOT hang on to bad stuff for long. Get rid of negative energy.
b. You can find out if something is fixable only by getting busy and fixing it.
c. New things that actually have hope for the future cannot appear until you get rid of what was taking up the space that the new thing needs.
d. Make the appointment, pull the tooth, deal with whatever is wrong.
3. Play the Movie. Any one thing you do is only a scene in a larger movie. To understand that action, you have to play it out all the way to the end of the movie.
a. wise people play the movie to prevent negative things happening as well as increase positive things in life.
b. big things and small things.
c. plot the movie, a vision of your starring character, your relationships, your spiritual life, your career, your health, your finances. See it, plan it, and then evaluate each scene you write every day in light of where the movie is supposed to end.
4. Do Something. "There are no passengers on spaceship earth, We are all crew." (marshall mcluhan)
a. Deja vu people ask themselves the question: What can I do to make this situation better?
b. Are you driving your life, Or just along for the ride?
c. Take ownership and responsibility.
d. Freedom feels good. "No man is free who is not master of himself."
5. Act like an Ant. "When you have a great and difficult task, something perhaps almost impossible, if you only work a little at a time, every day a little, suddenly the work will finish itself." (isak dinesen)
a. go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores provisions in summer and gathers its at harvest. (proverbs 6:6-8)
b. They achieved their goals by taking tiny steps over time.
c. look for steps that are small, simple, and good.
d. Things grow one little bit at a time, and it all adds up.
e. Thus: Wanting it all keeps you from having any. Wanting it now keeps you from having it.
6. Hate well. "Certain things, if not seen as lovely or detestable, are not being correctly seen at all." (c.s. lewis)
a. Character is in part formed by what we hate, because we move to be different from whatever that is.
b. Hate is part of the immune system of your soul.
c. Successful people move against the problem, and show love and respect to the person at the same time.
d. Subjective vs Objective hate. Subjective hate is like a pool of feelings and attitudes that reside in our soul, waiting to jump out. Not directed at anything specific. It just lives in us like an infection. We want to transform this subjective hatred to the kind of hate that solves problems, protects things that you value, and stands against the things that you do not want in your life.
e. go hard on the issue, but soft on the person.
f. Deja vu people tend to have immune responses to things tat are truly infections, poisons, toxins, and dangers. Deja vu people tend to address the real toxins of life in specific, effective ways that face the issues and respect the persons involved.
g. There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.
h. You get what you tolerate.
7. Don't play fair.
a. only good for good, and bad for bad? I do not like to be in partnerships where the attitude is to give each other just what we deserve. That certainly is fair, but if i enter a relationship with you, i want better than fair from you. I do not want to fail and have you et back at me in some way to even the score. If I fail, that is exactly when I need you to do better, not worse. If i do something wrong, i need for you to rise above it and show me, and be a force to get us on the right track, not to cause the situation to deteriorate int getting even. I want to do the same.
b. Give back better than you are given.
c. get rid of anger. "It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel" (proverbs 20:3)
d. Deja vu people have transcended the need for revenge. What goes around comes around.
e. DO not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice, or the Lord will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from him. (proverbs 24:17-18)
8. Be Humble. "Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right." (ezra taft benson)
a. humility is not having a need to be more than you are.
b. humility identifies with others.
c. Successful people show kindness, understanding, and help to others who fail. They also are not derailed by their own failures; they accept them as a normal part of the process.
d. The roots of the word humility itself tells us something about these people. It comes from the root word humus, meaning "earth", and also from a greek word that means "on the ground".
e. These people do at least 2 things very well that build success, foster good relationships, and encourage learning, growth, and wisdom: They admit it quickly when they are wrong and they accept correction and confrontation from others well.
f. serve the people under you
9. Upset the right people. "I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is try to please everybody." (herbert bayard swope)
a. deja vu people do not make decisions based on the fear of other people's reactions.
b. what you should do, and what someone's response is going to be, are two very different issues. Are you making decisions because you are afraid of hurting feelings?
c. hurt is a normal part of life. harm is when we injure people by doing destructive things to them.
d. making decisions can also generate guilt. when it feels like you are making the decision for yourself because it is the right thing to do, you can feel bad.
e. Don't rescue an angry man. There is a direct correlation with people who are out of control in their lives and their hatred of the word NO.
f. deja vu people go against the odds if the odds are against what is right.
g. convert people who are controlling to being frustrated. Don't give in.
h. to be a successful deja vu person, you may not keep everyone around you happy. In fact, if you are successful in life, you are guaranteed not to!
i. so, do not try to avoid upsetting people; just make sure that you are upsetting the right ones. If the kind, loving, responsible, and honest people are upset with you, then you better look at the choices you re making.
final.
a. do not go it alone. two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. (ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
b. receive wisdom. we have a lot to still learn. do it.
c. receive feedback and correction. humility.
d. find models. people that are good for us.
e. review your patterns. where do you consistently fail?
f. deal with impediments. deal with your fears.
g. add structure. self-help is not realistic. find programs/activities that align your goals.
h. practice, practice, practice, and fail. you are not perfect. be a good loser, move on.
i. change your beliefs. don't be negative. find and stop the unbelief talk in your head.
j. quarantine your weaknesses. respect them. find your triggers and protect against them.
k. put your vision and goals on paper. if you have no plan, you are already there, nowhere. get helper.
l. look upstairs, pray. who is your "captain", that you can gain the spirit of moving forward.
the ways we have discussed in these chapters are available to us all.
I. Deja Vu people.
a. Who is a Deja vu person? People of success? It is not a person at all, it was a way.
b. People who found what they were looking for in life seemed to do a certain set of things in common.
c. The truth is that no one is excluded. If you were not born with these patterns in place, you can learn them.
II. "Take care to get what you like, or you will be forced to like what you get."
a. Growth is not only about getting healthy but about learning ways of living as well.
b. paths and patterns matter.
c. avoiding these 9 things can lead to disastrous consequences.
d. these principles are often ignored.
1. Dig it Up. "Choice of attention -- to pay attention to this and ignore that -- is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases, a man is responsible for his choice and must accept the consequences, whatever they may be. (w. h. auden)
a. Those who succeed in life cannot ignore their hearts, minds, and souls.
b. avoidance of risk is the greatest risk of all.
c. Become aware of of whatever is in your heart and "dig it up".
d. Weigh it, deal with it, talk it through, process it, integrate it with your values, judge it, and chew on it until you know with wisdom exactly what you are doing.
e. take action.
2. Pull the Tooth.
a. Successful people DO NOT hang on to bad stuff for long. Get rid of negative energy.
b. You can find out if something is fixable only by getting busy and fixing it.
c. New things that actually have hope for the future cannot appear until you get rid of what was taking up the space that the new thing needs.
d. Make the appointment, pull the tooth, deal with whatever is wrong.
3. Play the Movie. Any one thing you do is only a scene in a larger movie. To understand that action, you have to play it out all the way to the end of the movie.
a. wise people play the movie to prevent negative things happening as well as increase positive things in life.
b. big things and small things.
c. plot the movie, a vision of your starring character, your relationships, your spiritual life, your career, your health, your finances. See it, plan it, and then evaluate each scene you write every day in light of where the movie is supposed to end.
4. Do Something. "There are no passengers on spaceship earth, We are all crew." (marshall mcluhan)
a. Deja vu people ask themselves the question: What can I do to make this situation better?
b. Are you driving your life, Or just along for the ride?
c. Take ownership and responsibility.
d. Freedom feels good. "No man is free who is not master of himself."
5. Act like an Ant. "When you have a great and difficult task, something perhaps almost impossible, if you only work a little at a time, every day a little, suddenly the work will finish itself." (isak dinesen)
a. go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores provisions in summer and gathers its at harvest. (proverbs 6:6-8)
b. They achieved their goals by taking tiny steps over time.
c. look for steps that are small, simple, and good.
d. Things grow one little bit at a time, and it all adds up.
e. Thus: Wanting it all keeps you from having any. Wanting it now keeps you from having it.
6. Hate well. "Certain things, if not seen as lovely or detestable, are not being correctly seen at all." (c.s. lewis)
a. Character is in part formed by what we hate, because we move to be different from whatever that is.
b. Hate is part of the immune system of your soul.
c. Successful people move against the problem, and show love and respect to the person at the same time.
d. Subjective vs Objective hate. Subjective hate is like a pool of feelings and attitudes that reside in our soul, waiting to jump out. Not directed at anything specific. It just lives in us like an infection. We want to transform this subjective hatred to the kind of hate that solves problems, protects things that you value, and stands against the things that you do not want in your life.
e. go hard on the issue, but soft on the person.
f. Deja vu people tend to have immune responses to things tat are truly infections, poisons, toxins, and dangers. Deja vu people tend to address the real toxins of life in specific, effective ways that face the issues and respect the persons involved.
g. There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.
h. You get what you tolerate.
7. Don't play fair.
a. only good for good, and bad for bad? I do not like to be in partnerships where the attitude is to give each other just what we deserve. That certainly is fair, but if i enter a relationship with you, i want better than fair from you. I do not want to fail and have you et back at me in some way to even the score. If I fail, that is exactly when I need you to do better, not worse. If i do something wrong, i need for you to rise above it and show me, and be a force to get us on the right track, not to cause the situation to deteriorate int getting even. I want to do the same.
b. Give back better than you are given.
c. get rid of anger. "It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel" (proverbs 20:3)
d. Deja vu people have transcended the need for revenge. What goes around comes around.
e. DO not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice, or the Lord will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from him. (proverbs 24:17-18)
8. Be Humble. "Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right." (ezra taft benson)
a. humility is not having a need to be more than you are.
b. humility identifies with others.
c. Successful people show kindness, understanding, and help to others who fail. They also are not derailed by their own failures; they accept them as a normal part of the process.
d. The roots of the word humility itself tells us something about these people. It comes from the root word humus, meaning "earth", and also from a greek word that means "on the ground".
e. These people do at least 2 things very well that build success, foster good relationships, and encourage learning, growth, and wisdom: They admit it quickly when they are wrong and they accept correction and confrontation from others well.
f. serve the people under you
9. Upset the right people. "I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is try to please everybody." (herbert bayard swope)
a. deja vu people do not make decisions based on the fear of other people's reactions.
b. what you should do, and what someone's response is going to be, are two very different issues. Are you making decisions because you are afraid of hurting feelings?
c. hurt is a normal part of life. harm is when we injure people by doing destructive things to them.
d. making decisions can also generate guilt. when it feels like you are making the decision for yourself because it is the right thing to do, you can feel bad.
e. Don't rescue an angry man. There is a direct correlation with people who are out of control in their lives and their hatred of the word NO.
f. deja vu people go against the odds if the odds are against what is right.
g. convert people who are controlling to being frustrated. Don't give in.
h. to be a successful deja vu person, you may not keep everyone around you happy. In fact, if you are successful in life, you are guaranteed not to!
i. so, do not try to avoid upsetting people; just make sure that you are upsetting the right ones. If the kind, loving, responsible, and honest people are upset with you, then you better look at the choices you re making.
final.
a. do not go it alone. two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. (ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
b. receive wisdom. we have a lot to still learn. do it.
c. receive feedback and correction. humility.
d. find models. people that are good for us.
e. review your patterns. where do you consistently fail?
f. deal with impediments. deal with your fears.
g. add structure. self-help is not realistic. find programs/activities that align your goals.
h. practice, practice, practice, and fail. you are not perfect. be a good loser, move on.
i. change your beliefs. don't be negative. find and stop the unbelief talk in your head.
j. quarantine your weaknesses. respect them. find your triggers and protect against them.
k. put your vision and goals on paper. if you have no plan, you are already there, nowhere. get helper.
l. look upstairs, pray. who is your "captain", that you can gain the spirit of moving forward.
the ways we have discussed in these chapters are available to us all.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 21, 2020
Rating: 4 1/2 stars
December 4, 2012
Great book. Very concise straight-forward ideas. I would recommend this to anyone. The main ideas that stand out for me are: Become a deja-vu person: I remember noting successful people who do well in a tough situation. Whether it is criticism, wondering how to handle a problem or dealing with difficult people, Cloud provides realistic examples. He also helped me see how important it is to be 'the more mature person, not be afraid of criticism by doing the right thing and to make the right people mad. If someone is not going to change and yet has heard your concerns and keeps doing the wrong thing, one shouldn't allow their response to your right actions (ending the relationship until things change) to affect you. You can't please everyone and become the person you want to be. Helpful book and I'd highly recommend it.
January 2, 2018
Love the perspective and standpoint Dr. Henry Cloud writes from. Definitely helpful and applicable in many areas of life
July 28, 2019
Excellent! First couple chapters I wasn't sure, but so glad I read the whole book! If you want to get motivated and some sound advice, great book!
September 15, 2013
The title makes it sound like it's going to be a Stephen R. Covey spinoff. But it really isn't that at all. The book 9 Things You Simply MUST DO to Succeed in Love and Life is really more like nine relational/emotional/psychological healthy behaviors that author Dr. Henry Cloud has selected to highlight. His thesis is that everyone really should adopt these 9 behaviors to attain success. Since "success" is such an overused/multi-nuanced word in our culture, I would summarize Henry Cloud's use of it in this book as: functional relationships, productive career, fulfilled dreams and leaving a good legacy behind.
Here are his 9 points. Cloud gives them catchy, somewhat cryptic names, so I'll summarize what they mean as well:
*1. "Dig it up" Be mindful of and face up to your internal life--your dreams, passions, preferences & emotions.
*2. "Pull the tooth" Don't avoid addressing negative things in your life. Put an end to those things that are harmful, unresolvable, and life-sapping.
*3. "Play the movie" Look ahead towards the bigger picture of your life in order to motivate you to take steps now towards future change.
*4. "Do something" Proactively take responsibility for your own life; don't sit around waiting for others to change.
*5. "Act like an ant" Approach large life goals one small step at a time, rather than procrastinating your life away.
*6. "Hate well" Learn to direct hatred towards that which truly is evil, in order to bring redemptive change, rather than allowing life to be defined by a generalized spirit of bitterness that ends up devouring self & loved ones.
*7. "Don't play fair" Be a refreshing source of unexpected grace and mercy towards those around you.
*8. "Be humble" Be in touch with your own weaknesses & maintain a teachable spirit.
*9. "Upset the right people" Place choosing what is good and right above people-pleasing.
I find myself thinking that Cloud's 9 tips are essentially common sense. In fact, there are people I know who seem to almost be born with an innate understanding of these nuggets of wisdom. And, then there are others of us who have to learn the hard way. Why is it, for example, that I struggled in a dysfunctional friendship for years before learning how to properly bring closure to it, while several girlfriends of mine, when offered a chance of relationship with the same type of individual, naturally kept their distance?
I found 9 Things to be one of several books that have helped me to debrief, decode and learn from these past experiences. "What went wrong?" "How could I have handled that better?" Here are a handful of other books that have been therapeutic for me in this way:
*Boundaries
*Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Unleashing the Power of Authentic Life in Christ
*Safe People How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't
*Bold Love
And then, as a parent, I also long to impart these lessons to my own kids. Even though they're only toddlers now, I want to spare them unnecessary pain as they grow into adulthood. But, I imagine it's not going to be as simple as reading books like 9 Things to them as their bedtime story each night. I think so much of it will come down being a living example of healthy principles in action. And praying for them to learn healthy life habits. And using teachable moments to talk through relational struggles, life decisions and traumatic experiences as they occur.
--Jen
Here are his 9 points. Cloud gives them catchy, somewhat cryptic names, so I'll summarize what they mean as well:
*1. "Dig it up" Be mindful of and face up to your internal life--your dreams, passions, preferences & emotions.
*2. "Pull the tooth" Don't avoid addressing negative things in your life. Put an end to those things that are harmful, unresolvable, and life-sapping.
*3. "Play the movie" Look ahead towards the bigger picture of your life in order to motivate you to take steps now towards future change.
*4. "Do something" Proactively take responsibility for your own life; don't sit around waiting for others to change.
*5. "Act like an ant" Approach large life goals one small step at a time, rather than procrastinating your life away.
*6. "Hate well" Learn to direct hatred towards that which truly is evil, in order to bring redemptive change, rather than allowing life to be defined by a generalized spirit of bitterness that ends up devouring self & loved ones.
*7. "Don't play fair" Be a refreshing source of unexpected grace and mercy towards those around you.
*8. "Be humble" Be in touch with your own weaknesses & maintain a teachable spirit.
*9. "Upset the right people" Place choosing what is good and right above people-pleasing.
I find myself thinking that Cloud's 9 tips are essentially common sense. In fact, there are people I know who seem to almost be born with an innate understanding of these nuggets of wisdom. And, then there are others of us who have to learn the hard way. Why is it, for example, that I struggled in a dysfunctional friendship for years before learning how to properly bring closure to it, while several girlfriends of mine, when offered a chance of relationship with the same type of individual, naturally kept their distance?
I found 9 Things to be one of several books that have helped me to debrief, decode and learn from these past experiences. "What went wrong?" "How could I have handled that better?" Here are a handful of other books that have been therapeutic for me in this way:
*Boundaries
*Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Unleashing the Power of Authentic Life in Christ
*Safe People How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't
*Bold Love
And then, as a parent, I also long to impart these lessons to my own kids. Even though they're only toddlers now, I want to spare them unnecessary pain as they grow into adulthood. But, I imagine it's not going to be as simple as reading books like 9 Things to them as their bedtime story each night. I think so much of it will come down being a living example of healthy principles in action. And praying for them to learn healthy life habits. And using teachable moments to talk through relational struggles, life decisions and traumatic experiences as they occur.
--Jen
January 2, 2019
One of the most helpful books I've ever read. I will return to this on a regular basis!
January 19, 2019
I'm a big fan of Dr. Cloud's writings, in part because his straight, simple, "take charge of your own life" principles are so refreshingly at odds with the world I grew up in.
February 15, 2019
The chapter on "hate well" was worth the entire book. Very interesting and practical. I love reading about personal growth from a Christian standpoint.
April 29, 2015
1. Dig it up: uncover your passions, put them to work, invest them, don't bury them.
2. Pull the tooth: get rid of what holds you back, address it head on, don't avoid it, prune negative energy and things that are stagnant or don't hold the most growth potential.
3. Play the movie: look ahead to the consequences of behaviors, don't put short-term feelings ahead of long term impact.
4. Do something: we are responsible for our own life, feelings, behaviors, and choices; no one is going to do anything about these but us.
5. Be like the ant: make progress one little bit at a time, don't want it all now, the longest path is the short cut, lasting change is slow and steady.
6. Hate well: what we hate says as much about us as what we love. Go soft on the person but hard on the issue, be constructive not destructive, hate objectively (specific) not subjectively (global, generalized).
7. Don't play fair: give people better than they deserve; tit for tat destroys relationships; don't stoop to others' level, elevate them to yours.
8. Be humble: humility is not having a need to be more than you are, acknowledge your own human weaknesses and failures, don't be defensive.
9. Upset the right people: don't try to please everybody, "I'm not doing this TO you, I'm doing this FOR me," convert controlling people into frustrated people by not allowing them to control you.
Hints: Do not go it alone; receive wisdom; receive feedback and correction; find models; review your patterns; deal with impediments; add structure; practice, practice, practice, and fail; change your beliefs; quarantine your weaknesses; put your vision and goals on paper; pray, pray, pray.
May 1, 2019
For anyone feeling stuck in life, constantly comparing their lack of momentum to the success of others, this book is a Godsend. Its advice is of the common sense variety that should be obvious, but often goes overlooked in favor of impatient shortcuts. Take your time with this one, and take notes - lots of them. You'll be glad you did. You won't become successful overnight. But give it enough time, and you'll find yourself doing, saying, and believing things you didn't think you were capable of. You'll find yourself making progress, bit by bit. You'll find yourself unstuck.
January 4, 2019
loved this book and the different take on success tips. Really liked how Dr Cloud used stories to make understanding the concepts easier. if you want to be a better person overall, add this to your list.
January 24, 2019
Such good life lessons
The 9 lessons he details are essential to living life well with others, be they spouses, friends, neighbors. I’m going to purchase this as it will be a great addition to my home library.
The 9 lessons he details are essential to living life well with others, be they spouses, friends, neighbors. I’m going to purchase this as it will be a great addition to my home library.
February 23, 2009
Loved this book, had such good advice said very creatively. My favorites: hate well, don't play fair, be humble.
February 4, 2020
Great book that really anchors back to fundamental values! As a manager of multiple staff and attorneys, I used the book to better my work relationships, forms of communication, and team dynamic. This book gives concrete examples of how to tackle many scenarios that present themselves frequently in life where we are forced to say yes or feel pressure to give in to requests when it may be to our detriment- also gave me the tools and strength to set clear boundaries with certain individuals and relationships.
October 20, 2020
Like other books I've read by this author, this one often felt like my own, intense counseling session. It was good, but a lot to process at times. I learned a lot and have much to begin to incorporate.
January 9, 2023
While there is nothing astoundingly new and different about this book, I love reading books like this. They help remind me of all the things I know I should be doing and then I can do a self tune up! Especially with the things I struggle with, like resolving conflict with those I love. Lots of good reminders.
January 24, 2025
If everyone read and followed Cloud's advice, the world would be a much better place. The title is a little funny until you see that truly these are nine imperative rules to live by if you want to rise above your default behaviours and responses. Highly recommended to people of all situations.
January 23, 2025
The book was decent at best. It was pretty good for doing a book study with a friend, but the actual content was questionable. It’s a self help style book that includes Scripture, but at times took Scripture out of context and much of the book bordered on being prosperity Gospel.
January 21, 2025
Helpful
This book was very helpful. I was able to see some areas I need to work on, and I learned how to handle some situations I have been struggling with.
This book was very helpful. I was able to see some areas I need to work on, and I learned how to handle some situations I have been struggling with.
January 22, 2020
Good solid guidance from this audio book listen- I was surprised to find much Bible scripture referenced throughout the book but it helped in supporting the content. Borrowed the book from the library so I could review it again.
January 19, 2020
Highly enjoyable book that succinctly reminds one of the perspective and attitude needed to succeed in life.
February 13, 2020
Best book ever. This is a must read that I recommend to EVERYONE.
August 20, 2019
At first this book did not impress me.
Then it did, when in the latter part of the book instead of providing principles for the activity that highlights the "lesson" instead of the principles involved utilizing the very real, real-life mirrors around us that reflect back to us our condition.
Thus this book is actually less prescriptive than other texts of faith-based self-help.
Arriving backward towards an understanding is actually more effective since principles often create distortions in our experience if literally followed. Thus, things like "don't play fair" and "hate well" work to establish that we must have actual values that we live with and believe in order to be present in life. While we can always change our values, the absence of them actually leads to incredible amounts of entropy in our lived experience so that such waywardness will lead towards incoherency in what we want. If anything we need to stand for ourselves, but not of course, stand for what we identify with that is not us (such as the concept of valor or the concept of Good) but rather to be for something actual and not an idea or feeling. In his chapter "Don't play fair", Cloud writes
As Cloud has said in another book 5 Levels of Leadership: “I try to go hard on the issue and soft on the person.”
And that is essentially what preserving relationships and uplifting people are about.
While I found Cloud's nominalization "deja vui" person really irritating, and he dangles success before us, his implicit understanding is that life success is never a solo game. Success requires authenticity and communication with those around us that is authentic and caring. If we care for the right others (which requires finding out who is right for us via others) so they will for us, and we will have the presence of the right people with the right alignment. This requires the highest order of self reflection; as we change to grow into others and they us... that success is not a solo activity, and wisdom is across people not from individuals... and what is extraordinary are not people, but the connections between them.
Then it did, when in the latter part of the book instead of providing principles for the activity that highlights the "lesson" instead of the principles involved utilizing the very real, real-life mirrors around us that reflect back to us our condition.
Thus this book is actually less prescriptive than other texts of faith-based self-help.
Arriving backward towards an understanding is actually more effective since principles often create distortions in our experience if literally followed. Thus, things like "don't play fair" and "hate well" work to establish that we must have actual values that we live with and believe in order to be present in life. While we can always change our values, the absence of them actually leads to incredible amounts of entropy in our lived experience so that such waywardness will lead towards incoherency in what we want. If anything we need to stand for ourselves, but not of course, stand for what we identify with that is not us (such as the concept of valor or the concept of Good) but rather to be for something actual and not an idea or feeling. In his chapter "Don't play fair", Cloud writes
Not giving others what they deserve is a big part of not playing fair. To give them better than they deserve is what the Bible calls grace. The word means unmerited favor. It describes how God treats us. Sometimes, as we said above, it means that we give someone loving limits and consequences if other things have not worked. But often, limits are not needed; only a little softness is.
As Cloud has said in another book 5 Levels of Leadership: “I try to go hard on the issue and soft on the person.”
And that is essentially what preserving relationships and uplifting people are about.
While I found Cloud's nominalization "deja vui" person really irritating, and he dangles success before us, his implicit understanding is that life success is never a solo game. Success requires authenticity and communication with those around us that is authentic and caring. If we care for the right others (which requires finding out who is right for us via others) so they will for us, and we will have the presence of the right people with the right alignment. This requires the highest order of self reflection; as we change to grow into others and they us... that success is not a solo activity, and wisdom is across people not from individuals... and what is extraordinary are not people, but the connections between them.
December 22, 2019
Practical and sound advice.
July 28, 2010
A wonderful book with lasting relevancy. Dr. Cloud suggests that we dig up our past and invest in our talents, move past the negative, make decisions based on their effects, ALWAYS ask how we can improve a situation (whether it's our responsibility or not), realize our loftiest goals through small steps, protect the good with healthy hatred, practice humility, and make decisions based on values and purposes / principles (not on the reactions of others). He concludes with a series of 12 steps to realizing each of these 'things,' not the least of which is "pray, pray, pray."
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