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The Zen of Listening( Mindful Communications in the Age of Distractions)[ZEN OF LISTENING REV/E 2/E][Paperback]
The Zen of Listening( Mindful Communications in the Age of Distractions) <> Paperback <> RebeccaZ.Shafir <> QuestBooks(IL)
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First published October 1, 2000
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January 22, 2022
Having had "active listening" on my to-learn list for a few years now, I finally settled on a book to read. The choice was pretty random, this book came up as a suggestion and I though that, well, why not? Despite a mediocre Goodreads rating I decided to give it a go.
Well, maybe I should have spent some more time looking for a better read. This book is not worthless, but it's short, meaning that between the "why you should read this book"-chapters in the beginning, and the "why there is still more to learn"-chapters in the end, there's very little space for actual advice. I've been a pretty good student here, I've done most of the exercises and even started meditating as advised, and sure, I have gotten some insights out of this read, but I would have expected/hoped for more.
The text is a bit too fluffy when it comes to the Zen stuff, a bit too condescending when it comes to the actual facts ("when you started reading this book you might not have known how important listening is" - duh, yes I did, that's why I started reading it). The main allegory used, "getting into someone's movie", does not work too well on someone who generally does not enjoy movies. I do not regret reading it, I will take some insights into my daily life, but some other book would probably have been a better choice.
Well, maybe I should have spent some more time looking for a better read. This book is not worthless, but it's short, meaning that between the "why you should read this book"-chapters in the beginning, and the "why there is still more to learn"-chapters in the end, there's very little space for actual advice. I've been a pretty good student here, I've done most of the exercises and even started meditating as advised, and sure, I have gotten some insights out of this read, but I would have expected/hoped for more.
The text is a bit too fluffy when it comes to the Zen stuff, a bit too condescending when it comes to the actual facts ("when you started reading this book you might not have known how important listening is" - duh, yes I did, that's why I started reading it). The main allegory used, "getting into someone's movie", does not work too well on someone who generally does not enjoy movies. I do not regret reading it, I will take some insights into my daily life, but some other book would probably have been a better choice.
January 3, 2015
Good concepts but I found the book belabored the point at times and was difficult to keep reading.
May 25, 2021
Such insightful ideas! Listening can heal, and bless our lives and those around us. Talking and being good communicators tends to be more valued in the American culture, but not in other places. Being a good listener helps us to understand, relate and help ourselves and others. Here are my notes from the book:
When we listen mindfully to others, we help quiet down their internal noise. When they notice that we are totally with them, people feel freer to cut out the layers of pretense to see what’s really on their minds. Mindful listening is a gift not only to yourself but to others. Page 13
A good listener is not only one who processes the spoken word and the meaning behind the words accurately, but one who makes the speaker feel valued by encouraging him to expand on his ideas and feelings. A good listener touches the lives of those to whom he listens.… Listening intently even for a minute is one of the nicest gifts we can give to another human being.
We need to listen to ourselves to be sure we choose words that truly represent our meaning.18
Mindful listening is presented here as a synergy of three factors: relaxation, focus, and a desire to learn or gain another’s perspective.
The Zen Buddhist philosophy gives us ways of dealing with every day challenges. It teaches us how focus, concentration, and compassion keep our every day lives healthy, peaceful, and productive.… Listening with the heart, body, and mind requires a change in our attitude toward how we relate to the speaker. 23
Good listening is a process of showing respect and validating a persons worth… Good listening is the ability to get into the shoes of the speaker in order to see his side of the issue. 33
If we are too selective with the people or the programs we listen to, we run the risk of becoming so judge mental and critical that we become close minded. The goal in listening is to find the balance between focusing our attention and remaining open minded and tolerant of different views. 44
To see into our own nature, to become aware of the barriers we create between ourselves and others, is the first step in creating a mindset conducive to becoming a good listener. Awareness of our actions, noting our programed tendencies to unfairly judge others, is the goal of Zen.… Some barriers are so impenetrable that they may totally restrict certain persons from entering our ear space. If you are fervently religious or totally committed to a cause, you may be unwilling to give any serious attention to the views of someone with different beliefs. Let’s ask ourselves: why shut our ears to this new information? Is a different take on a topic some thing To be feared? Is it unsettling to think that a different viewpoint might force us to change the way we think? Does our ability to say no evaporate if we give someone a few minutes to describe his point of you? 46 and 47
The more productive method of communicating our interest would be to sit back and make an effort to listen. Learn about this person and be alert to commonalities or differences between her plans and your concerns. notice her manner, pace, and style. What are her priorities? Are yours in there somewhere? Make her agenda your agenda. When it is your turn to speak, indicate that you have carefully considered her message by making a connection between her interests and yours. 63
In Stephen Coveys book, the seven habits of highly effective people he calls listening the magical habit. He suggests our goal should be to listen first to understand. 65
A steady stream of internal focusing blocks our ability to listen. It is very easy to nod our heads and act like we are listening when actually we are consumed by our internal jabber. 66
If we listen in the belief that we are all connected, it is easier to be respectful and patient. When we honor our speakers in this way, we also show respect and tolerance for ourselves. Conversely, when we shut out others due to our biases, we also hurt ourselves. 69
Be open to others views and listen to them from the standpoint that there is something to learn from them.
Ask if you open ended questions that begin with why, what, or how to get the other person talking.
*Identify people in your life whom you dislike. Facing your prejudices or strong dislikes, whatever they may be and for whatever reason they exist, is an unpleasant task for most of us. Now, find one thing you like or respect about that person or activity. The next time you interact with him, focus on that one thing. Most likely your negative judgment will also compete for your attention. Acknowledge its presence and refocus your thoughts back to the positive aspect.
*The longer you dwell on negative thoughts, the more deeply they become ingrained. Counteract these negative thoughts with positive ones.
You cannot will yourself to stop judging and criticizing others, but you can stop and analyze it when it occurs. Examine the foundation for not wanting to listen to a particular person or idea. Which barriers are operating?
At least once a day when you’re listening to a coworker relate a story, set aside your evaluative self. Be a witness to his ideas. Notice how your barriers want to kick in and start judging. When this happens, put your mind in neutral and simply observe. 71- 73
Zen means “meditation practice“. I also refer to meditation as breathing practice. It brings us to a level of relaxed awareness, which is the first step in harnessing the destructive tendencies of the barriers to listening. 74
Dwelling on mistakes and past experiences drains your energy and perpetuates low self-esteem.
Zen masters promote meditation as a way of emptying the mind of clutter and unproductive thoughts to make space for personal growth.… After a few weeks of practice you will notice that you were less anxious when hearing ideas that differ from your point of you. Your ability to concentrate is deeper and more enduring, and with anxiety under control, you can better focus your attention on getting and retaining the message.
Calmness, an open mind, and focused attention for the foundation for mindful listening.… I prefer to meditate for 30 to 40 minutes at a time, twice a day. 75
How to meditate pg 76
contemplative meditation allows us to detoxify some of our most powerful negative emotions. 77
“Actions are born from thoughts. Without mastering your thoughts, you cannot master your actions.”
as you become more consistent in meditation practice, this state of balance can be maintained for longer periods, enabling you to focus and listen better. 79
The movie mindset may be most needed with the people we have the hardest time relating to, our children. For example, your teenage daughter comes home after school, mumbles a few choice phrases about the basketball coach, rushes upstairs and slams the door to her room. You have two alternatives: one, you could make matters worse by scolding her, after all, that particular show of disgust is not appropriate for a young lady. Or two, you could offer to share her movie and listen to her tell about her day.… What your teenager really needs is for you to relate to her perspective, her stage of maturity, her needs.… Getting into the movie gives you the chance to identify with her frustration and disappointment. You empathize with your daughter. 83
As speakers, we develop the trust of mindful listeners and look forward to interacting with them again. 92
Speakers rate interrupting as the number one most annoying conversational trait. Wanting to interrupt is a struggle for power in conversation.… The more you practice getting into other peoples movies, the more you will notice how much better people respond to you. We all appreciate and non-judge mental ear. 93
If you are self actualized, you are eager to reach a level of understanding that eventually frees you from focusing on yourself and allows you to focus on others instead.… Accepting themselves and others for what they are. Self actualizers listen as though no one else on earth exists at that moment. 97
Judging and attacking ideas that are contrary to our frame of reference is a form of suffering. It is energy depleting, both internally by making you frustrated and tense, and externally (creates tension between you and the speaker). 104
Mindlessness becomes a habit and begins to creep into tasks that require your full concentration. How often do you look back at the week the month, the year, and wonder where the time went? Many of us can’t remember because most of the time we were in a fog of preoccupation with the past or planning the future.
Mindfulness is keeping your consciousness alive to the present reality. Living the present moment of any activity, paying attention to the process, lend themselves to a quality outcome.… Choose a task you typically rush through, like washing the dishes. There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes…. While drinking a cup of tea, we willonly be thinking of other things, early aware of the cup in our hands.… Do you have escaped the present in order to be in the future. You may be physically present, but mentally you are bouncing back-and-forth between past events and future expectations. 108
During your meditation practice, do not work at avoiding thoughts of past and future, this is impatience creeping in. Simply recognize the presence of those thoughts and let them pass. Gently steer your focus back to the breath, back to the present. Feel and listen to your breath as it moves in and out. 109
One minute of mindfulness makes up for many minutes of mindlessness. 110
We feel happier and more positive when we are not focusing on the self. 112
Begin by noticing how often you act mindlessly; driving through a stoplight, leaving the house without your keys, taking down the wrong phone number. That kind of wasted energy is exhausting and time-consuming. Mindfulness saves time because you think as you act. Slowing down and carrying out the task with mindfulness significantly reduces the chances of error and mishap. 113
Mental noting: thinking you’re speaking aloud as you perform a task in mindfulness, your concentration stays in the present, centered on the activity.
Listening stoppers:
Denial
Interrogation
Advice giving
Psycho analysis, without license 123
listening encouragers:
Silence
Reassurance
Paraphrasing
Advice, unsolicited, sends the message that the receiver is not capable of solving his own problems… Unrequested advice frequently takes on a preachy tone, even if it is good, sound, well meaning advice. 127
As you begin to put mindful listening into action, your perception of silence changes. You start to notice more about the people around you.131
Silence is virtuous in its ability to make your speaker feel good about himself. Silence allows the speakers deeper thoughts to surface, thoughts often contain solutions to problems. When you allow your speaker the time to think out loud in a supportive environment, can you set the stage for her empowerment, and she will want to be in your company more often. 134
Many attempts to reassure someone after a loss of a loved one often backfire. Old standby comments like, “at least she isn’t suffering“ and “you know he’s in a better place“ are subtle ways to avoid a bereaved persons movie. We don’t want to be dragged down into their sorrow, so we say such things to distance the distressed person from his emotions and get back in control. What those best by tragedy need is to talk about their loved ones. Attentive silence and empathy, not sympathy, are most appreciated. 137
Examining your habitual responses to your speakers helps you better understand your attitude toward listening to others. When you converse with others, you and your listeners find out who you really are. For example, advice giving, denial, and interrogation are self-centered response styles, and they send a message of aggressive, ego driven closed mindedness. Conversely, paraphrasing, silence, and reassurance are speaker supportive styles.
142
Notice how much more appropriate your comments are when you are mindful of not only your intent, but the perspective of your listener. You will say less and learn more. 149
Listening to yourself, like listening to others, is an art. It requires mindfulness to match your intent with appropriate words and be sensitive to the way others perceive them. 150
Swearwords or obscenities are a turn off and suggest an inability to express yourself in a more intelligent manner. 151
You may also interrupt the speaker in nonverbal ways. Frequent shifts in your posture or looking away are distracting to a speaker and can be interpreted as wanting to break into the speakers monologue or break away from the speaker. 153
Set aside your agenda and get into the movie of the other in order to understand where he’s coming from. Be able to relax by controlling your breathing. Have a genuine interest in establishing a positive relationship. 173
What makes us think that the only people we can effectively work and live with are people similar to ourselves? We make life more difficult when we avoid those who differ from us. Especially in our culturally and religiously diverse society, making a point to avoid interaction with those from different backgrounds shut us off from seeing different perspectives on a problem and reduces our capacity for creative solutions. 175
Dealing with conflict helps you see better into your own position. Having to articulate your needs in response to another’s needs allows you to question the rationality of your own arguments. 176
We tend to overreact to minor things and blow them out of proportion by endlessly re counting the situation, further feeding the anger and dislike. This is the way we create our own suffering and anxiety.185
your pain is your own personal creation… So although you may not always be able to avoid difficult situations you can modify the extent to which you suffer by how you choose to respond to the situation. 186
It requires a sense of calm in order to rationally deal with the onslaught of verbal conflicts… If you have any prior notice of an impending confrontation, prepare with a few deep, slow breath and continue breathing slowly and Fully as you listen.…Meditation practice helps you attain a sense of deep relaxation that allows you to step back and see situations in a clear light, unobstructed by barriers and noise. This alert, calm state of mindfulness, achieved through regular practice, begins to permeate every interaction. you will begin to notice that situations that once would’ve caused an excessively emotional reaction right now resolved in a coma, more productive manner. 187
Being silently attentive is particularly helpful while listening to angry, upset children. If your child comes home complaining about some thing the teacher said, you may be tempted to try to talk him out of his feelings, as if they’re not to be taken seriously. If you can put your “should“ interrogation, and advice aside and instead remain silently attentive, your child will feel safe about revealing his emotions. If you still feel pressed to give your advice, wait until he has finished all he has to say. Then you might say, “would you like to hear what I might have done if I had been in your shoes?“190
When someone is yelling at you, keep your voice soft and steady, just like your breath.… Agree with what you can… There may be times when it is not appropriate to continue the discussion. You may not be in a good mood, the setting may not be conducive, or time is a factor.… There are certain individuals who, due to lack of emotional and physical control, make it unsafe and unreasonable to get into their movies. With persons who pose a danger to you, emotionally or physically it may be best to leave the room or remain silent. 191
Many historical and contemporary studies of brain activity support the fact that it at least five auditory association areas of the brain participate when we listen to spoken language.… Listening invigorates the brain… There is evidence that we can slow down the inevitable aging process of the brain by simply putting our brains to work more every day rather than less. 202
Writing down and seeing the information in print, even if you discard the notes shortly afterward, means that there will be a better chance of recall at a later date. 205
We love it when someone remembers our name. It Makes us feel good about our uniqueness, the impression we made, or the possibility of a future relationship.… Try this, every time you meet someone new, associate a prominent characteristic with his name.… My favorite method of remembering names is to repeat the name during the handshake and a few times during our conversation… Write down the name and any notes about a new acquaintance. 210
Most of us need at least 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night in order to attend and concentrate efficiently.
Overeating can lead to drowsiness, which impairs our ability to pay attention. On the other hand, being hungry and drinking too much caffeine can make us jumpy and easily distractible. 213
In order to maximize your readiness to listen, get to know the amounts and kinds of foods that best enable your brain to perform at its best. 214
I propose that daily discussions about every day moral dilemmas, vacation planning, household chores, sports, and so on, be the standard topics at the dinner table, on automobile trips, and during bedtime conversation. Children learn best by observing and imitating their parents. Be a good model of listening not only in the home environment, but also in social situations. Show your children how disputes and differences of opinion can be tolerated and, in some cases, even welcomed.… Balance the negative aspects of any experience with positive observations.224
kids learn how to listen by being listened to… As the result of good listening, parents and teachers would receive respect and loyalty, the difficult people in our lives would receive compassion, and the thoughts and perspectives of people from other cultures would be welcomed. 224
Blood pressure drops when were focused on something outside of ourselves(even petting a dog helps). 241
Meditation has been shown to quiet the symptoms of anxiety and depression 244
Our ability to heal can be significantly improved with mindful listening 246
We are all dependent on each other to make our lives happy and peaceful, no matter what our status. 248
When we listen mindfully to others, we help quiet down their internal noise. When they notice that we are totally with them, people feel freer to cut out the layers of pretense to see what’s really on their minds. Mindful listening is a gift not only to yourself but to others. Page 13
A good listener is not only one who processes the spoken word and the meaning behind the words accurately, but one who makes the speaker feel valued by encouraging him to expand on his ideas and feelings. A good listener touches the lives of those to whom he listens.… Listening intently even for a minute is one of the nicest gifts we can give to another human being.
We need to listen to ourselves to be sure we choose words that truly represent our meaning.18
Mindful listening is presented here as a synergy of three factors: relaxation, focus, and a desire to learn or gain another’s perspective.
The Zen Buddhist philosophy gives us ways of dealing with every day challenges. It teaches us how focus, concentration, and compassion keep our every day lives healthy, peaceful, and productive.… Listening with the heart, body, and mind requires a change in our attitude toward how we relate to the speaker. 23
Good listening is a process of showing respect and validating a persons worth… Good listening is the ability to get into the shoes of the speaker in order to see his side of the issue. 33
If we are too selective with the people or the programs we listen to, we run the risk of becoming so judge mental and critical that we become close minded. The goal in listening is to find the balance between focusing our attention and remaining open minded and tolerant of different views. 44
To see into our own nature, to become aware of the barriers we create between ourselves and others, is the first step in creating a mindset conducive to becoming a good listener. Awareness of our actions, noting our programed tendencies to unfairly judge others, is the goal of Zen.… Some barriers are so impenetrable that they may totally restrict certain persons from entering our ear space. If you are fervently religious or totally committed to a cause, you may be unwilling to give any serious attention to the views of someone with different beliefs. Let’s ask ourselves: why shut our ears to this new information? Is a different take on a topic some thing To be feared? Is it unsettling to think that a different viewpoint might force us to change the way we think? Does our ability to say no evaporate if we give someone a few minutes to describe his point of you? 46 and 47
The more productive method of communicating our interest would be to sit back and make an effort to listen. Learn about this person and be alert to commonalities or differences between her plans and your concerns. notice her manner, pace, and style. What are her priorities? Are yours in there somewhere? Make her agenda your agenda. When it is your turn to speak, indicate that you have carefully considered her message by making a connection between her interests and yours. 63
In Stephen Coveys book, the seven habits of highly effective people he calls listening the magical habit. He suggests our goal should be to listen first to understand. 65
A steady stream of internal focusing blocks our ability to listen. It is very easy to nod our heads and act like we are listening when actually we are consumed by our internal jabber. 66
If we listen in the belief that we are all connected, it is easier to be respectful and patient. When we honor our speakers in this way, we also show respect and tolerance for ourselves. Conversely, when we shut out others due to our biases, we also hurt ourselves. 69
Be open to others views and listen to them from the standpoint that there is something to learn from them.
Ask if you open ended questions that begin with why, what, or how to get the other person talking.
*Identify people in your life whom you dislike. Facing your prejudices or strong dislikes, whatever they may be and for whatever reason they exist, is an unpleasant task for most of us. Now, find one thing you like or respect about that person or activity. The next time you interact with him, focus on that one thing. Most likely your negative judgment will also compete for your attention. Acknowledge its presence and refocus your thoughts back to the positive aspect.
*The longer you dwell on negative thoughts, the more deeply they become ingrained. Counteract these negative thoughts with positive ones.
You cannot will yourself to stop judging and criticizing others, but you can stop and analyze it when it occurs. Examine the foundation for not wanting to listen to a particular person or idea. Which barriers are operating?
At least once a day when you’re listening to a coworker relate a story, set aside your evaluative self. Be a witness to his ideas. Notice how your barriers want to kick in and start judging. When this happens, put your mind in neutral and simply observe. 71- 73
Zen means “meditation practice“. I also refer to meditation as breathing practice. It brings us to a level of relaxed awareness, which is the first step in harnessing the destructive tendencies of the barriers to listening. 74
Dwelling on mistakes and past experiences drains your energy and perpetuates low self-esteem.
Zen masters promote meditation as a way of emptying the mind of clutter and unproductive thoughts to make space for personal growth.… After a few weeks of practice you will notice that you were less anxious when hearing ideas that differ from your point of you. Your ability to concentrate is deeper and more enduring, and with anxiety under control, you can better focus your attention on getting and retaining the message.
Calmness, an open mind, and focused attention for the foundation for mindful listening.… I prefer to meditate for 30 to 40 minutes at a time, twice a day. 75
How to meditate pg 76
contemplative meditation allows us to detoxify some of our most powerful negative emotions. 77
“Actions are born from thoughts. Without mastering your thoughts, you cannot master your actions.”
as you become more consistent in meditation practice, this state of balance can be maintained for longer periods, enabling you to focus and listen better. 79
The movie mindset may be most needed with the people we have the hardest time relating to, our children. For example, your teenage daughter comes home after school, mumbles a few choice phrases about the basketball coach, rushes upstairs and slams the door to her room. You have two alternatives: one, you could make matters worse by scolding her, after all, that particular show of disgust is not appropriate for a young lady. Or two, you could offer to share her movie and listen to her tell about her day.… What your teenager really needs is for you to relate to her perspective, her stage of maturity, her needs.… Getting into the movie gives you the chance to identify with her frustration and disappointment. You empathize with your daughter. 83
As speakers, we develop the trust of mindful listeners and look forward to interacting with them again. 92
Speakers rate interrupting as the number one most annoying conversational trait. Wanting to interrupt is a struggle for power in conversation.… The more you practice getting into other peoples movies, the more you will notice how much better people respond to you. We all appreciate and non-judge mental ear. 93
If you are self actualized, you are eager to reach a level of understanding that eventually frees you from focusing on yourself and allows you to focus on others instead.… Accepting themselves and others for what they are. Self actualizers listen as though no one else on earth exists at that moment. 97
Judging and attacking ideas that are contrary to our frame of reference is a form of suffering. It is energy depleting, both internally by making you frustrated and tense, and externally (creates tension between you and the speaker). 104
Mindlessness becomes a habit and begins to creep into tasks that require your full concentration. How often do you look back at the week the month, the year, and wonder where the time went? Many of us can’t remember because most of the time we were in a fog of preoccupation with the past or planning the future.
Mindfulness is keeping your consciousness alive to the present reality. Living the present moment of any activity, paying attention to the process, lend themselves to a quality outcome.… Choose a task you typically rush through, like washing the dishes. There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes…. While drinking a cup of tea, we willonly be thinking of other things, early aware of the cup in our hands.… Do you have escaped the present in order to be in the future. You may be physically present, but mentally you are bouncing back-and-forth between past events and future expectations. 108
During your meditation practice, do not work at avoiding thoughts of past and future, this is impatience creeping in. Simply recognize the presence of those thoughts and let them pass. Gently steer your focus back to the breath, back to the present. Feel and listen to your breath as it moves in and out. 109
One minute of mindfulness makes up for many minutes of mindlessness. 110
We feel happier and more positive when we are not focusing on the self. 112
Begin by noticing how often you act mindlessly; driving through a stoplight, leaving the house without your keys, taking down the wrong phone number. That kind of wasted energy is exhausting and time-consuming. Mindfulness saves time because you think as you act. Slowing down and carrying out the task with mindfulness significantly reduces the chances of error and mishap. 113
Mental noting: thinking you’re speaking aloud as you perform a task in mindfulness, your concentration stays in the present, centered on the activity.
Listening stoppers:
Denial
Interrogation
Advice giving
Psycho analysis, without license 123
listening encouragers:
Silence
Reassurance
Paraphrasing
Advice, unsolicited, sends the message that the receiver is not capable of solving his own problems… Unrequested advice frequently takes on a preachy tone, even if it is good, sound, well meaning advice. 127
As you begin to put mindful listening into action, your perception of silence changes. You start to notice more about the people around you.131
Silence is virtuous in its ability to make your speaker feel good about himself. Silence allows the speakers deeper thoughts to surface, thoughts often contain solutions to problems. When you allow your speaker the time to think out loud in a supportive environment, can you set the stage for her empowerment, and she will want to be in your company more often. 134
Many attempts to reassure someone after a loss of a loved one often backfire. Old standby comments like, “at least she isn’t suffering“ and “you know he’s in a better place“ are subtle ways to avoid a bereaved persons movie. We don’t want to be dragged down into their sorrow, so we say such things to distance the distressed person from his emotions and get back in control. What those best by tragedy need is to talk about their loved ones. Attentive silence and empathy, not sympathy, are most appreciated. 137
Examining your habitual responses to your speakers helps you better understand your attitude toward listening to others. When you converse with others, you and your listeners find out who you really are. For example, advice giving, denial, and interrogation are self-centered response styles, and they send a message of aggressive, ego driven closed mindedness. Conversely, paraphrasing, silence, and reassurance are speaker supportive styles.
142
Notice how much more appropriate your comments are when you are mindful of not only your intent, but the perspective of your listener. You will say less and learn more. 149
Listening to yourself, like listening to others, is an art. It requires mindfulness to match your intent with appropriate words and be sensitive to the way others perceive them. 150
Swearwords or obscenities are a turn off and suggest an inability to express yourself in a more intelligent manner. 151
You may also interrupt the speaker in nonverbal ways. Frequent shifts in your posture or looking away are distracting to a speaker and can be interpreted as wanting to break into the speakers monologue or break away from the speaker. 153
Set aside your agenda and get into the movie of the other in order to understand where he’s coming from. Be able to relax by controlling your breathing. Have a genuine interest in establishing a positive relationship. 173
What makes us think that the only people we can effectively work and live with are people similar to ourselves? We make life more difficult when we avoid those who differ from us. Especially in our culturally and religiously diverse society, making a point to avoid interaction with those from different backgrounds shut us off from seeing different perspectives on a problem and reduces our capacity for creative solutions. 175
Dealing with conflict helps you see better into your own position. Having to articulate your needs in response to another’s needs allows you to question the rationality of your own arguments. 176
We tend to overreact to minor things and blow them out of proportion by endlessly re counting the situation, further feeding the anger and dislike. This is the way we create our own suffering and anxiety.185
your pain is your own personal creation… So although you may not always be able to avoid difficult situations you can modify the extent to which you suffer by how you choose to respond to the situation. 186
It requires a sense of calm in order to rationally deal with the onslaught of verbal conflicts… If you have any prior notice of an impending confrontation, prepare with a few deep, slow breath and continue breathing slowly and Fully as you listen.…Meditation practice helps you attain a sense of deep relaxation that allows you to step back and see situations in a clear light, unobstructed by barriers and noise. This alert, calm state of mindfulness, achieved through regular practice, begins to permeate every interaction. you will begin to notice that situations that once would’ve caused an excessively emotional reaction right now resolved in a coma, more productive manner. 187
Being silently attentive is particularly helpful while listening to angry, upset children. If your child comes home complaining about some thing the teacher said, you may be tempted to try to talk him out of his feelings, as if they’re not to be taken seriously. If you can put your “should“ interrogation, and advice aside and instead remain silently attentive, your child will feel safe about revealing his emotions. If you still feel pressed to give your advice, wait until he has finished all he has to say. Then you might say, “would you like to hear what I might have done if I had been in your shoes?“190
When someone is yelling at you, keep your voice soft and steady, just like your breath.… Agree with what you can… There may be times when it is not appropriate to continue the discussion. You may not be in a good mood, the setting may not be conducive, or time is a factor.… There are certain individuals who, due to lack of emotional and physical control, make it unsafe and unreasonable to get into their movies. With persons who pose a danger to you, emotionally or physically it may be best to leave the room or remain silent. 191
Many historical and contemporary studies of brain activity support the fact that it at least five auditory association areas of the brain participate when we listen to spoken language.… Listening invigorates the brain… There is evidence that we can slow down the inevitable aging process of the brain by simply putting our brains to work more every day rather than less. 202
Writing down and seeing the information in print, even if you discard the notes shortly afterward, means that there will be a better chance of recall at a later date. 205
We love it when someone remembers our name. It Makes us feel good about our uniqueness, the impression we made, or the possibility of a future relationship.… Try this, every time you meet someone new, associate a prominent characteristic with his name.… My favorite method of remembering names is to repeat the name during the handshake and a few times during our conversation… Write down the name and any notes about a new acquaintance. 210
Most of us need at least 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night in order to attend and concentrate efficiently.
Overeating can lead to drowsiness, which impairs our ability to pay attention. On the other hand, being hungry and drinking too much caffeine can make us jumpy and easily distractible. 213
In order to maximize your readiness to listen, get to know the amounts and kinds of foods that best enable your brain to perform at its best. 214
I propose that daily discussions about every day moral dilemmas, vacation planning, household chores, sports, and so on, be the standard topics at the dinner table, on automobile trips, and during bedtime conversation. Children learn best by observing and imitating their parents. Be a good model of listening not only in the home environment, but also in social situations. Show your children how disputes and differences of opinion can be tolerated and, in some cases, even welcomed.… Balance the negative aspects of any experience with positive observations.224
kids learn how to listen by being listened to… As the result of good listening, parents and teachers would receive respect and loyalty, the difficult people in our lives would receive compassion, and the thoughts and perspectives of people from other cultures would be welcomed. 224
Blood pressure drops when were focused on something outside of ourselves(even petting a dog helps). 241
Meditation has been shown to quiet the symptoms of anxiety and depression 244
Our ability to heal can be significantly improved with mindful listening 246
We are all dependent on each other to make our lives happy and peaceful, no matter what our status. 248
June 24, 2025
I struggled with finishing this book. A lot of common sense, not a lot of new ideas.
March 14, 2020
The Zen of Listening is a book introducing a new way to approach listening and speaking to others. Most of us listen with the intent to respond, to insert our own opinions, to ostensibly add to what the other is saying - few people simply listen without agenda. Shafir presents an argument that the best listening, the only real true listening, is listening without pretense or expectation. One truly listens by "getting into the person's movie" and following their story, without interruption or egocentric needs interfering with the narrative. Just as one watches a movie without the thought of helping the actors, giving them advice, interrupting their dialogue, etc. - but simply by watching attentively, so should we approach listening to others in our lives. She recommends daily breathing meditation to help curb the mind's default tendency to insert egocentric behavior in our relationships with others and to give us emotional space when involved in stressful listening experiences.
January 24, 2019
I really appreciated the insights Rebecca had to offer. There were many nuggets of helpful information throughout the book, and I finished this with eager expectations of improving my attentiveness while listening. I also have to add that I was excited to see instant gratification when I put some suggestions into practice when talking with my kids. I am encouraged and looking forward to implementing some of these techniques to improve my ability to listen effectively to others.
July 4, 2016
I didn't learn anything from this book, no zen, no different techniques, nothing about how to deal with difficult conversations particularly, and who the hell is saying 'gosh darn it' to going to offend? But my partner enjoyed it, so a star for that.
August 31, 2023
This book has some helpful information.
April 22, 2019
I have learnt lots of practical tools regarding mindful listening that I have already started to use. First of all, the book starts with a self-awareness test about your listening skills. There are several good techniques which everyone can use to improve listening skills. I especially like “getting into other party’s movie”. The book is not only about mindful listening but also being more open minded and focusing on more other party’s needs, opinions and agenda other than ours. Moreover, linking listening with building trust is very helpful to focus on listening in relationships.
August 8, 2023
This book is a 4.8. It helped me find peace in multiple ways. It relied upon understanding and using Zen to change unproductive behaviors that impede listening. This helped me realize I need to learn/use those techniques for other reasons. It also helped me discover improving my listening skills was a gift to myself while making those I listened to happier. Well worth reading, it opened doors to a journey I am taking but was not the end all, I secretly hoped it would be.
January 27, 2021
Second time reading this book. It is one of my favorite self help books. As someone who talks A LOT, I really like this book using mindfulness as an approach to listening. Becoming more conscious of my listening abilities and actively working to improve them has been beneficial for my relationships with my students and those in my personal life. Strongly recommend!
February 4, 2018
Great tools and book
Highly enjoyed this book. It gives you so many tools and techniques to stay focused on what your hearing and how to respect your audience and who your listening to. Such a great book:)
Highly enjoyed this book. It gives you so many tools and techniques to stay focused on what your hearing and how to respect your audience and who your listening to. Such a great book:)
October 27, 2020
I get the points the book is trying to make, but I personally felt that they were “over-explained” about how people nowadays do not “live in the moment or listen” as much as they should to the point that make it a little boring. Many time, I strongly felt that the points are already made and the author can get to a deep “how to” fix the problem way sooner (if there is any solution at all)
April 1, 2021
This book was assigned for a class and it wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great either. Possibly not a reflection of the book necessarily, but I felt the information I was reading was nothing new, especially when reading this simultaneously with 2 other books on mindfulness.
October 1, 2021
As an Introvert, I have always been a listener and I know personally know the many benefits of being a good listener. This book enhances the topic of listening and how much it is important to have good listening skills which do help in our life.
December 19, 2021
A very informative read
This book is great and that it points out the mistakes who make when communicating. I enjoyed it since it takes the practice of mindfulness and meditation and put it into practical use. Definitely worth to read.
This book is great and that it points out the mistakes who make when communicating. I enjoyed it since it takes the practice of mindfulness and meditation and put it into practical use. Definitely worth to read.
October 4, 2025
Learned a lot about liatemimg
The information presented was useful AND new. I especially liked the second half.of.the book. As a.teacher it provided me.with cues on how to help people learn new ideas
The information presented was useful AND new. I especially liked the second half.of.the book. As a.teacher it provided me.with cues on how to help people learn new ideas
December 30, 2017
This book reminds us of the power of active, engaged listening. Much of the content of the book has the feel of things that we already know, but which we may poorly execute in daily life.
March 8, 2019
This is an excellent book
April 2, 2019
Good purview
This book gave me a good overview of issues related to listening. It is a good place to begin an in-depth study.
This book gave me a good overview of issues related to listening. It is a good place to begin an in-depth study.
April 26, 2020
Everyone should read this book. Invaluable.
This information is priceless if you want to improve every relationship you have. The first duty of love is to listen.
This information is priceless if you want to improve every relationship you have. The first duty of love is to listen.
May 15, 2020
This is a great self-help book to help those who have problems with listening and remembering information. I especially loved the meditation suggestions which have changed my life!
January 9, 2021
Very enlightening advice about developing good listening skills and the benefits from doing so. Will be re-reading certain chapters.
March 15, 2021
Boring. Sorry.
September 21, 2021
A quick but very compelling read.
December 31, 2022
Some essential tips, but could be more concise
May 19, 2023
I feel like this is a more interesting topic than the book allows. Difficult to explain, I just found it somewhat lacking.
December 11, 2024
Ok. A couple GREAT takeaways and analogies for my thorough understanding. I think it could have been shorter and sometimes repetitive but lol maybe I’m a bad listener
February 3, 2010
A constructive and mindful approach to improving your capacity for being fully present with others and connecting with them on a deeper level by listening, to both others and yourself. Listening and paying attention are rightly promoted as some of the most caring and healing acts we can do for others.
I find myself now paying more attention to obstacles preventing me from listening to people, more consciousous of how I'm responding, and looking forward to listening to people I normally don't want to listen to just to have the opportunity to practice.
Integrated throughout the book are examples of how the techniques can be used to improve patient outcomes (the author is a speech therapist), resolve difficult interactions, improve your memory and attention span, and essentially support others by being attentive and aware of what they're trying to communicate.
I appreciated the focus on all aspects of listening to improve communication such as the impact of how we respond to what we're hearing:
"Examining your habitual responses to your speakers help you better understand your attitude toward listening to others. When you converse with others, you and your listeners find out who you really are. For example, advice giving, denial, and interrogation are self-centered response styles, and they send the message of aggressive, ego-driven closed mindedness. Conversely paraphrasing, silence, and reassurance are speaker-supportive styles. If you develop these qualities, your speakers will perceive you as secure with yourself, open to new ideas, and caring."
Also helpful was the focus on being open to dealing with conflict:
"A mindful listener sees all interactions as equal. Pleasant conversations reinforce a positive relationship and hold promise for future interactions. Conflict poses opportunities; the process of working through conflict contributes more to personal growth than the resolution itself. If you look to less desirable relationships or contacts in your life as an opportunity for achieving balance between mind and body, you will not find yourself wanting to hide your head in the sand when conflict arises. This attitude takes the stress out of the discussion. If your purpose is to resolve the issue to the extent where all parties are satisfied - versus winning the argument - you may become less resistant to situations where opinions differ. When there is less emphasis on the outcome and more emphasis on the process of listening, a relationship is established."
Worth reading if you're looking for insight and exercises (included at the end of every chapter) to improve your listening with one star taken off because of some slow spots which are easily skipped.
I find myself now paying more attention to obstacles preventing me from listening to people, more consciousous of how I'm responding, and looking forward to listening to people I normally don't want to listen to just to have the opportunity to practice.
Integrated throughout the book are examples of how the techniques can be used to improve patient outcomes (the author is a speech therapist), resolve difficult interactions, improve your memory and attention span, and essentially support others by being attentive and aware of what they're trying to communicate.
I appreciated the focus on all aspects of listening to improve communication such as the impact of how we respond to what we're hearing:
"Examining your habitual responses to your speakers help you better understand your attitude toward listening to others. When you converse with others, you and your listeners find out who you really are. For example, advice giving, denial, and interrogation are self-centered response styles, and they send the message of aggressive, ego-driven closed mindedness. Conversely paraphrasing, silence, and reassurance are speaker-supportive styles. If you develop these qualities, your speakers will perceive you as secure with yourself, open to new ideas, and caring."
Also helpful was the focus on being open to dealing with conflict:
"A mindful listener sees all interactions as equal. Pleasant conversations reinforce a positive relationship and hold promise for future interactions. Conflict poses opportunities; the process of working through conflict contributes more to personal growth than the resolution itself. If you look to less desirable relationships or contacts in your life as an opportunity for achieving balance between mind and body, you will not find yourself wanting to hide your head in the sand when conflict arises. This attitude takes the stress out of the discussion. If your purpose is to resolve the issue to the extent where all parties are satisfied - versus winning the argument - you may become less resistant to situations where opinions differ. When there is less emphasis on the outcome and more emphasis on the process of listening, a relationship is established."
Worth reading if you're looking for insight and exercises (included at the end of every chapter) to improve your listening with one star taken off because of some slow spots which are easily skipped.
July 1, 2013
I've conducted some trainings related to the so-called "active listening" approach. I bought this book because I liked the non-behavioral approach to listening that this book advocates. I strongly agree with the intuition that you might behave as you were listening and at the very same time being totally mindless about the content of the message. So, the only way to improve your listening skills is "digging deeper" and start changing some convictions, attitudes and... paying mindful attention to the wider world.
The approach relies heavily on mindfulness -the "Zen" word was skipped in the Spanish translation and this might create some misunderstandings- and Zen.
As a meditator I found the book easy to understand & useful. But i am wondering if someone not familiar with mindfulness practice will find it equally attractive. Furthermore, I suspect that the instructions given in the book are not sufficient to learn how to meditate.
So, if you want to apply all the wisdom of this book I highly recommend to complement it with a good book that teach you how to meditate. My preferred one is: Williams & Penmann. Mindfulness. It comes with a CD with guided meditations for beginners.
I have given 4 stars, and not 5, because the books is sometimes too wordy and the stories used to illustrated the point are sometimes quite uninteresting.
But it has tons of good ideas & practical tips to improve your listening skills.
The approach relies heavily on mindfulness -the "Zen" word was skipped in the Spanish translation and this might create some misunderstandings- and Zen.
As a meditator I found the book easy to understand & useful. But i am wondering if someone not familiar with mindfulness practice will find it equally attractive. Furthermore, I suspect that the instructions given in the book are not sufficient to learn how to meditate.
So, if you want to apply all the wisdom of this book I highly recommend to complement it with a good book that teach you how to meditate. My preferred one is: Williams & Penmann. Mindfulness. It comes with a CD with guided meditations for beginners.
I have given 4 stars, and not 5, because the books is sometimes too wordy and the stories used to illustrated the point are sometimes quite uninteresting.
But it has tons of good ideas & practical tips to improve your listening skills.
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