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Your Competent Child: Toward A New Paradigm In Parenting And Education
Readers A Fabulous, Important Book, Jesper Juul provides parents with such an amazing, simple, and absolutely vital approach to raising children that it rings true on every page. Some of what he suggests we as parents do is difficult - as it is against our "knee-jerk" reactions we may have learned from our parents, but all of it is right on about how we can raise confident, healthy, whole humans, right from the start. I was thrilled to have discovered a book that allowed me to see different possibilities with child raising. Anyone with a child will gain immensely from reading this book, seeing themselves (as I did, over and over again) in his numerous examples, and learning how to move on from there. Without reservation, I am grateful for this book and highly recommend it. No Parent Should Be Without It, There are not enough superlatives to describe how helpful this book has been to our family. With tremendous wisdom and a warm, pragmatic eye, Mr. Juul helps us redefine the ways we look at a child's behavior and our relationship to our children and ultimately, each other. This is a book that doesn't offer easy answers or 'tricks' to help in the raising of your child. This is a book that helps you see with a child's eye, hear with a child's ear, and feel with a child's heart in ways that feel so natural and obvious, you will wonder why you haven't thought of them before. But trust me, you haven't. It is a book that offers day-to-day skills along with the thinking that helps generate them, leaving the reader feeling smart and well-satisfied. This groundbreaking book should be on the shelf of all parents everywhere. If you read only one book on raising your child, this is the one. I cannot recommend it highly enough. If you have children - read this book!, This is an amazing book that will surely turn upside down any thoughts you ever had about raising children. Even though you may not agree with all the views
236 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1995
359 people are currently reading
2672 people want to read
About the author
Jesper Juul
142 books202 followersJesper Juul (1948 - 2019) was a Danish family therapist and author and a renowned international authority on the family. In his book Your Competent Child (1995, in English 2001) he argued that today's families are at an exciting crossroads because the destructive values — obedience, physical and emotional violence, and conformity — that governed traditional hierarchical families are being transformed.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 166 reviews
August 3, 2010
Having recently (two years ago) become a first time parent and being an academic and theoretician by birth and unimpeded habit I "read up" on how to parent by reading mostly everything without (much) prejudice.
I would like to recommend parents to avoid this. I would also like to recommend parents to avoid recommendations. Read if you must, but vary the sources of your advice, draw your own and as few conclusions as possible and apply what feels natural in your new parental role toward your typical though very unique child.
My mum told me not to fret: "small children are excellent at teaching adults how to become good parents". Jesper Juul says much the same. In a charming and light manner he preaches that children will tell us how to parent if we relax and listen and observe their utterly innocent brutally honest and to-the-point analysis of their world - us - instead of forcing preconceptions at them, reminding us of some important truths about how children work that adults have forgot and in the process reminding us (or at least me) of how much we ourselves have lost since in that innocent competent age. While we became sophisticated we lost honesty. The child senses with crystal clarity and honesty, but lacks sophistication and guile. Unfortunately, we don't, Juul reminds us, and reminds us that the discrepancy might be confusing.
Read Juul. He will tell you much you will need to recall in being a parent. In the process you may be reminded of some important things you need to review about yourself and your other relationships. Don't make a bible of it or any other parenting books. If you're going to prepare parenting by reading, vary your sources and kill your preconceptions, if not your darlings. But keep Juul in mind, his book is worth it.
I would like to recommend parents to avoid this. I would also like to recommend parents to avoid recommendations. Read if you must, but vary the sources of your advice, draw your own and as few conclusions as possible and apply what feels natural in your new parental role toward your typical though very unique child.
My mum told me not to fret: "small children are excellent at teaching adults how to become good parents". Jesper Juul says much the same. In a charming and light manner he preaches that children will tell us how to parent if we relax and listen and observe their utterly innocent brutally honest and to-the-point analysis of their world - us - instead of forcing preconceptions at them, reminding us of some important truths about how children work that adults have forgot and in the process reminding us (or at least me) of how much we ourselves have lost since in that innocent competent age. While we became sophisticated we lost honesty. The child senses with crystal clarity and honesty, but lacks sophistication and guile. Unfortunately, we don't, Juul reminds us, and reminds us that the discrepancy might be confusing.
Read Juul. He will tell you much you will need to recall in being a parent. In the process you may be reminded of some important things you need to review about yourself and your other relationships. Don't make a bible of it or any other parenting books. If you're going to prepare parenting by reading, vary your sources and kill your preconceptions, if not your darlings. But keep Juul in mind, his book is worth it.
March 24, 2013
Датският психолог Йеспер Юл развива тезите си въз основа на богата практика с деца и родители от всички континенти. Очаквах много от тази книга и го получих - доста храна за размисъл, доста бележки в тефтерчето ми.
Основната теза е: от бебешка възраст децата са личности. Ако и ние сме такива и сме достатъчно съзнателни, ще се отнасяме с тях с нужното уважение и винаги ще ги подкрепяме в пътя им. В крайна сметка те идват при нас, за да им помогнем да се осъществят.
(малко лични бележки)
Той прави разлика между себеуважение (знанието и възприемането за това, което сме; вътрешни устои, вътрешен център) и самоувереност (мярка за способностите ни, по-скоро придобито качество - с какво се справяме и с какво - не) или какъв си vs. какво можеш. "Прекалените похвали раздуват егото на деца и възрастни, което е твърде слаб заместител на положителна оценка за себе си", пише. Много хора и деца се чувстват значими само когато жънат успехи, а не заради това, което са. Похвалите и критиките карат хората да мислят, че щастието, себеоценката са външни - това води до ниско себеуважение, липса на самооценка, прахосване на усилия да бъдат харесвани.
Отношенията с децата са двупосочна улица - важно е не само какво им даваме ние, а какво те чувстват, че ни дават. Колкото повече им позволяваме да дават, толкова по-високо и стабилно е себеуважението им.
В общуването изобщо процесът "как" е по-важен от съдържанието "какво". (Ако си крещите "за добро", просто си давате сметка какво правите.)
Много семейства възпитават децата си да се държат прилично, да учат, да успяват в училище, изобщо - да правят каквото им се казва. Целта е детето да успее да се адаптира и да се съобразява с външни източници на контрол. Това не работи в посока изграждане и утвърждаване на личност. В тази връзка личната отговорност винаги трябва да се насърчава (детето само да става за училище, само да се сеща да си подрежда стаята, само да решава как да се облича и т.н.)
"В днешно време децата много по-рано стават равни на възрастните, отколкото ние на тях", пише.
Авторитарна роля (баща, майка) vs. личен авторитет. Доверието изключва наличието на стереотипни роли на членовете на семейството, а изисква приятелства, при което всеки член има равно достойнство.
Основната теза е: от бебешка възраст децата са личности. Ако и ние сме такива и сме достатъчно съзнателни, ще се отнасяме с тях с нужното уважение и винаги ще ги подкрепяме в пътя им. В крайна сметка те идват при нас, за да им помогнем да се осъществят.
(малко лични бележки)
Той прави разлика между себеуважение (знанието и възприемането за това, което сме; вътрешни устои, вътрешен център) и самоувереност (мярка за способностите ни, по-скоро придобито качество - с какво се справяме и с какво - не) или какъв си vs. какво можеш. "Прекалените похвали раздуват егото на деца и възрастни, което е твърде слаб заместител на положителна оценка за себе си", пише. Много хора и деца се чувстват значими само когато жънат успехи, а не заради това, което са. Похвалите и критиките карат хората да мислят, че щастието, себеоценката са външни - това води до ниско себеуважение, липса на самооценка, прахосване на усилия да бъдат харесвани.
Отношенията с децата са двупосочна улица - важно е не само какво им даваме ние, а какво те чувстват, че ни дават. Колкото повече им позволяваме да дават, толкова по-високо и стабилно е себеуважението им.
В общуването изобщо процесът "как" е по-важен от съдържанието "какво". (Ако си крещите "за добро", просто си давате сметка какво правите.)
Много семейства възпитават децата си да се държат прилично, да учат, да успяват в училище, изобщо - да правят каквото им се казва. Целта е детето да успее да се адаптира и да се съобразява с външни източници на контрол. Това не работи в посока изграждане и утвърждаване на личност. В тази връзка личната отговорност винаги трябва да се насърчава (детето само да става за училище, само да се сеща да си подрежда стаята, само да решава как да се облича и т.н.)
"В днешно време децата много по-рано стават равни на възрастните, отколкото ние на тях", пише.
Авторитарна роля (баща, майка) vs. личен авторитет. Доверието изключва наличието на стереотипни роли на членовете на семейството, а изисква приятелства, при което всеки член има равно достойнство.
January 3, 2021
Αυτό το βιβλίο μόλις μπήκε στην κορυφή της λίστας μου, με τα καλύτερα βιβλία γονεϊκότητας.
Ενα εξαιρετικό βιβλίο που προσεγγίζει τη γονεϊκότητα και τη σχέση με το παιδί στην συνολική του ύπαρξη, ως ίσοτιμο πλάσμα, άξιο σεβασμού και όχι σαν "κάτι" που πρέπει να φτιάξεις.
Κάθε σελίδα μου άνοιγε και μια διαφορετικη οπτικη.
Ενα εξαιρετικό βιβλίο που προσεγγίζει τη γονεϊκότητα και τη σχέση με το παιδί στην συνολική του ύπαρξη, ως ίσοτιμο πλάσμα, άξιο σεβασμού και όχι σαν "κάτι" που πρέπει να φτιάξεις.
Κάθε σελίδα μου άνοιγε και μια διαφορετικη οπτικη.
March 8, 2012
What I love about this book is that is not written as a practical guide, like the most family/parenting books. It doesn’t tell us how to raise our children, but how to see them, get to know them and understand them. It gives us the choice to embrace the great new values and helps the growth of not just the child but the whole family.
February 15, 2021
Εξαιρετικό βιβλίο γονεϊκότητας που -χωρίς πατερναλιστικό ύφος- σε κάνει να αναθεωρείς εκ βάθρων τις παραδοχές της παραδοσιακής οικογένειας. Καλογραμμένο, με παραδείγματα και πειστικό
August 3, 2008
This book is sometimes simplistic or maybe just...foreign...as you struggle a bit to get what the Danish author is saying. But somewhere along the line it grabbed me and drew me into its premise -- seeing the damage wrought by parental control over children, at the expense of good relationship. I found myself really interested in understanding and trying to put into use the better ways Juuls suggests of being in relationship with children. "Children Cooperate" is one of this book's main points, and it's way more scary than it sounds. "Competence" takes on a lot deeper meaning as well once you've read this thoughtful little book. Shelve it near Alice Miller, Alfie Kohn, Thomas Gordon, Haim Ginott, Jon Kabat-Zinn and a few other parenting books that truly may cause you to question and change some of your parenting assumptions.
February 3, 2013
Чудесна книга. Най-вече заради удивително фините разлики, които идентифицира между наглед еднакви понятия и ситуациии (например: самоувереност-себеуважение). Също заради способността й да поддържа гръбнака на теоретичното добре изправен чрез прецизно подбрани емпирични примери.
Не бих й дала всичките звезди единствено защото усещането ми е, че общуването с деца е по-необясним, по-криволичещ и по-непредсказуем процес, отколкото книгата го описва. Донякъде неконтролируем.
И все пак, чудесна книга. Дори само задето ми просветли куп неща за взаимоотношенията ми с мене си:)
Не бих й дала всичките звезди единствено защото усещането ми е, че общуването с деца е по-необясним, по-криволичещ и по-непредсказуем процес, отколкото книгата го описва. Донякъде неконтролируем.
И все пак, чудесна книга. Дори само задето ми просветли куп неща за взаимоотношенията ми с мене си:)
January 21, 2017
I wish this was compulsory reading for any person that are involved with children, but it is really a good read for anyone in an authoritative position. Communicating well and learning to understand and respect other people can only help you become a better person.
July 22, 2020
Această carte pe lângă teoria prietenoasă pe care ne-o oferă, vine și cu o grămadă exemple cu situații concrete din viața multor familii cu care autorul a interacționat de-a lungul carierei sale de terapeut de familie.
Autorul a încercat de-a lungul fiecărui capitol să pună în constrast „stilul vechi” cu „stilul nou” de educare a copiilor și nu pentru a arunca cu pietre în grădina acelor părinți care fac parte din prima categorie, dimpotrivă, el consideră că mulți ne grăbim să identificăm victime și mereu e cineva vinovat de tot ce se poate întâmpla în familia noastră, dar numai nu noi, prin urmare, subiectele abordate vin să arate o altă perspectivă, mai echilibrată și conștientă.
Copiii pot și înțeleg mult mai multe decât tindem noi să credem.
Copiii au dreptul la replică, un copil își poate exprima punctul de vedere fără ca să fie oprimat de un părinte, fără să fie pus la zid, fără să-i nimicim noi integritatea. Ne dorim copii ascultători, dar noi pe ei îi ascultăm vreodată, cu adevărat?
Autorul a încercat de-a lungul fiecărui capitol să pună în constrast „stilul vechi” cu „stilul nou” de educare a copiilor și nu pentru a arunca cu pietre în grădina acelor părinți care fac parte din prima categorie, dimpotrivă, el consideră că mulți ne grăbim să identificăm victime și mereu e cineva vinovat de tot ce se poate întâmpla în familia noastră, dar numai nu noi, prin urmare, subiectele abordate vin să arate o altă perspectivă, mai echilibrată și conștientă.
Copiii pot și înțeleg mult mai multe decât tindem noi să credem.
Copiii au dreptul la replică, un copil își poate exprima punctul de vedere fără ca să fie oprimat de un părinte, fără să fie pus la zid, fără să-i nimicim noi integritatea. Ne dorim copii ascultători, dar noi pe ei îi ascultăm vreodată, cu adevărat?
April 29, 2022
Ovo nije priručnik za roditelje, niti iko treba da traži uputstva u knjigama kako da bude roditelj i kako da se ponaša prema djeci. Ne ide tako. Bit je da VIDIMO svoje dijete, jer djeca nas najbolje uče kako da budemo dobar roditelj.
Ova knjiga je o nečemu drugom, kao napomena na stvari kojih treba da se sjetimo (jer to nosimo u sebi) kako bismo bili dobar roditelj - da prvo moramo da sagledamo sebe i svoje odnose sa svima, ne samo sa djetetom. A djeca od nas traže da ih vidimo, da ih poštujemo, i da ne činimo najveću grešku - da ih posmatramo kao da su "nižeg ranga". Da poštujemo njihov integritet, njihovu prirodu, samostalnost, i najvažnije, da svoje dijete shvatimo kao jednako kompetentno i vrijedno ljudsko biće.
Čitajte Jula. Podsjetiće vas na neke važne stvari, koje su već u vama, i dati jasne razloge zašto da odbacite raniju praksu pristupa djeci.
Ova knjiga je o nečemu drugom, kao napomena na stvari kojih treba da se sjetimo (jer to nosimo u sebi) kako bismo bili dobar roditelj - da prvo moramo da sagledamo sebe i svoje odnose sa svima, ne samo sa djetetom. A djeca od nas traže da ih vidimo, da ih poštujemo, i da ne činimo najveću grešku - da ih posmatramo kao da su "nižeg ranga". Da poštujemo njihov integritet, njihovu prirodu, samostalnost, i najvažnije, da svoje dijete shvatimo kao jednako kompetentno i vrijedno ljudsko biće.
Čitajte Jula. Podsjetiće vas na neke važne stvari, koje su već u vama, i dati jasne razloge zašto da odbacite raniju praksu pristupa djeci.
December 4, 2021
Честно казано, изобщо не обичам деца и ги избягвам, особено по-малките които нямат акъл за две стотинки още. Когато нямам възможност да ги избягвам, не знам как да се държа с тях и общо взето ги третирам като някакви досадни, дребни възрастни. За голямо учудване на околните (да не г��ворим колко голямо мое) тоя подход като че ли работи и децата общо взето ме харесват и се оправям с тях доста лесно, когато се наложи – и Йеспер Юл ми обясни защо…
Скандинавската школа в родителството и отглеждането и възпитанието на деца, чийто представител е Йеспер Юл и книгата му Твоето компетентно дете, е известна отдавна, но твърде рядко практикувана при нас на юг, дето майки орлици бдят над отрочето докато се ожени/омъжи, че и много след това, защото то още е малко и не може да се оправя само. Виждането, че децата са някакви малоумни същества, с които трябва да се отнасяме по специален, „детски“ начин, да им говорим „по детски“ и т.н. или пък са просто някакъв придатък към майките си, е дълбоко залегнало по нашите ширини от Испания, през Италия, Гърция че чак до Русия.
Според Йеспер Юл обаче, децата не са малоумни. Ква нова идея а :P Дори са, както той им вика, доста компетентни – т.е. в зависимост от възрастта си, по свой си начин възприемат ставащото около тях и отношението на родителите им – и съответно реагират на това. Че родителите често не разбират какво означава тази реакция, е съвсем нормално, предвид факта, че повечето изобщо не обръщат внимание на това какво децата искат да им кажат, а се водят единствено по собствените си мисли и идеи. Дали става дума за хранене, за спор за вафла в магазина, за лягане навреме, за учене, за гаджета – и според собствените ми оскъдни наблюдения, и според Твоето компетентно дете родителите мелят като мелница каквото са си наумили че ТРЯБВА да стане и изобщо не ебават какво им казва детето.
Книгата Твоето компетентно дете развива много по-комплексна теория за индивидуалната отговорност, в която детето трябва да се възпитава и която е основата на социалната отговорност – за това как децата трябва да бъдат подкрепяни още от малки да вземат собствени решения за себе си и да носят отговорността за тях, за това как прекаленото обгрижване и вторачване във всяка подробност от живота на детето, без да се обръща внимание на самото дете като личност не води до нищо добро и т.н.
Тъй че именно затова се оправям сравнително добре с децата и те като че ли ме харесват – аз не говоря „детски“ език, нямам никакво желание да ги поучавам и направлявам, поради което се държа с тях като с нормални хора,а те ми отвръщат със същото.
Скандинавската школа в родителството и отглеждането и възпитанието на деца, чийто представител е Йеспер Юл и книгата му Твоето компетентно дете, е известна отдавна, но твърде рядко практикувана при нас на юг, дето майки орлици бдят над отрочето докато се ожени/омъжи, че и много след това, защото то още е малко и не може да се оправя само. Виждането, че децата са някакви малоумни същества, с които трябва да се отнасяме по специален, „детски“ начин, да им говорим „по детски“ и т.н. или пък са просто някакъв придатък към майките си, е дълбоко залегнало по нашите ширини от Испания, през Италия, Гърция че чак до Русия.
Според Йеспер Юл обаче, децата не са малоумни. Ква нова идея а :P Дори са, както той им вика, доста компетентни – т.е. в зависимост от възрастта си, по свой си начин възприемат ставащото около тях и отношението на родителите им – и съответно реагират на това. Че родителите често не разбират какво означава тази реакция, е съвсем нормално, предвид факта, че повечето изобщо не обръщат внимание на това какво децата искат да им кажат, а се водят единствено по собствените си мисли и идеи. Дали става дума за хранене, за спор за вафла в магазина, за лягане навреме, за учене, за гаджета – и според собствените ми оскъдни наблюдения, и според Твоето компетентно дете родителите мелят като мелница каквото са си наумили че ТРЯБВА да стане и изобщо не ебават какво им казва детето.
Книгата Твоето компетентно дете развива много по-комплексна теория за индивидуалната отговорност, в която детето трябва да се възпитава и която е основата на социалната отговорност – за това как децата трябва да бъдат подкрепяни още от малки да вземат собствени решения за себе си и да носят отговорността за тях, за това как прекаленото обгрижване и вторачване във всяка подробност от живота на детето, без да се обръща внимание на самото дете като личност не води до нищо добро и т.н.
Тъй че именно затова се оправям сравнително добре с децата и те като че ли ме харесват – аз не говоря „детски“ език, нямам никакво желание да ги поучавам и направлявам, поради което се държа с тях като с нормални хора,а те ми отвръщат със същото.
January 9, 2021
Εξαιρετικό βιβλίο παιδοψυχολογίας.Πιστεύω σίγουρα πια ότι μία από τις μεγαλύτερες ψυχικές ασθένειες είναι η οικογένεια.Εκεί ό,τι καλλιεργήσεις,αυτό θα σπείρεις.Και δεν υπάρχουν δύσκολα παιδιά αλλά δύσκολοι και απροσάρμοστοι στο ρόλο τους γονείς.
October 15, 2021
Jesper Jul je danski psiholog poznat po svom zalaganju za moderan pristup vaspitanju i odgajanju dece. Glavno obeležje tog pristupa se ogleda u prihvatanju dece kao kompetentnih individua. Umesto da sa njima gradimo hijerarhijski odnos zasnovan na moći, decu treba posmatrati kao sebi ravne i poštovati njihove ličnosti.
U ovoj knjizi Jul obrađuje teme dečije saradnje, odgovornosti dece i roditelja, postavljanja ličnih granica, života sa tinejdžerima, i roditeljstva uopšte. On daje primere iz realnog života koji nam pokazuju kako detalji u komunikaciji mogu napraviti veliku razliku u odnosu roditelja i dece.
Ono što predstavlja najveći problem jeste činjenica da smo mi većinom odgajani u porodicama koje su primenjivale tradicionalne metode vaspitanja, pa sada svi naši postupci vuku korene iz našeg detinjstva, te imaju tu tradicionalnu notu. Stoga je važno da radimo na sebi i da se razvijamo i učimo zajedno sa decom.
Moj zaključak nakon čitanja je da je đavolski teško biti dobar roditelj. Povrh svega, svi smo mi različiti, deca su različita, pa i ne može postojati neki univerzalni priručnik koji bi nas pripremio za ovu ulogu. No Julova filizofija je dobra podloga.
U ovoj knjizi Jul obrađuje teme dečije saradnje, odgovornosti dece i roditelja, postavljanja ličnih granica, života sa tinejdžerima, i roditeljstva uopšte. On daje primere iz realnog života koji nam pokazuju kako detalji u komunikaciji mogu napraviti veliku razliku u odnosu roditelja i dece.
Ono što predstavlja najveći problem jeste činjenica da smo mi većinom odgajani u porodicama koje su primenjivale tradicionalne metode vaspitanja, pa sada svi naši postupci vuku korene iz našeg detinjstva, te imaju tu tradicionalnu notu. Stoga je važno da radimo na sebi i da se razvijamo i učimo zajedno sa decom.
Moj zaključak nakon čitanja je da je đavolski teško biti dobar roditelj. Povrh svega, svi smo mi različiti, deca su različita, pa i ne može postojati neki univerzalni priručnik koji bi nas pripremio za ovu ulogu. No Julova filizofija je dobra podloga.
Read
August 24, 2018Ovo nije samo knjiga o psihologiji odgoja, nego ovdje možemo pronaći i neke razloge zašto smo postali ovakvi kakvi jesmo...
January 30, 2020
Svatko tko bi htio postati roditelj, trebao bi ovu knjigu citati kao preduvjet!
March 14, 2023
Takeaways from reading the book:
What can children do to take responsibility for themselves?
- Page 96: Because children continuously challenge beliefs, boundaries, values and emotions of people, they naturally help everyone around them to learn / grow.
- Page 107: A child is responsible herself / himself for what she or he senses. For example, a child is responsible for what she or he thinks tastes / smells / sounds / looks good or bad.
- Page 107: A child is responsible for emotions, which he or she feels.
- Page 107: When children grow older, they will take responsibility for more and more areas of their life, for example what clothes they want to wear, what they do in their spare time and what they want to study.
- Page 107: A child is responsible for her or his needs. For example, a child is responsible for expressing whether he or she is hungry or not, or whether he or she is tired or not.
- Page 154: It is the responsibility of children, who are older than five years, to wake themselves up in the morning. A mother or a father can offer to help the child get up in the morning.
- Page 158: It is the responsibility of children themselves to do their homework.
What do children need their parents to do?
- Page 44: Children know what they want. However, they do not know what they need. When parents are afraid of being authoritarian, children get too much of what they want and too little of what they need.
- Page 52: Instead of blaming children, adults need to accept responsibility for mistakes adults make themselves.
- Page 68: When a child does something, which is fun and also a little risky, establish eye contact with the child and say "hi". Thereby, the child knows that you have seen the child's experience. This satisfies the child's need to feel loved.
- Page 71: If a child is having problems with her or his homework, ask, for example: Do you need help with your homework? Then the child will feel that she / he has been seen.
- Page 72: To strengthen a child's self-esteem, acknowledge / recognize the child. Example: If a child gives his or her mother or father a drawing, the parent can acknowledge the gift by saying "Thank you Larry, I am happy to have this drawing." Acknowledgement / recognition originates from the German word "Anerkennung."
- Page 75: The more we allow children to give us, the healthier their self esteem becomes.
- Page 118: When a mother and/or a father has / have an important issue to discuss with her / his / their child, she / he / they need to agree on a time and place to have a conversation with the child about that issue.
- Page 160: Children need to feel safe to express their emotions when communicating with their parents.
- Page 168: Parents can define and communicate their personal limits, which they think will make lives of their children better. Examples: "I want you to clean up your room before you go to bed."
- Page 175: When a child asks for permission to stay over at a friend's place tonight, ask back: What do you think? Thereby, children learn to consult themselves instead of focusing all their attention on their parents. Accordingly, their self esteem and self responsibility grow. The same applies to decisions about other social activities of the children.
- Page 178: When children express their emotions, for example when they are upset about something, do not interrupt them. Meet them with sympathetic silence.
- Page 180: To create a family, in which all members thrive and develop in healthy ways, focus on dialogue - not on getting and giving permission.
- Page 183: Children need parents who support the attempts of children to discover who they are.
- Page 193: Parents need to negotiate household chores with their children. For example, a mother or a father can say: Your mother / father and I want you to take responsibility for one or more household chores. What chores do you prefer? What do you think about, for example, taking responsibility for taking out the garbage, when that is needed? Or would you rather do chores related to buying groceries, cooking, cleaning or washing clothes?
- Page 198: During their transformation to adults, some teenagers start to do destructive and self-destructive things. When parents take an active, personal share of the responsibility, teenagers can slowly begin to rebuild their self-esteem. And ultimately, they will treat themselves better.
- Page 203: The more determined parents are to develop aspects of their own personalities, the less self destructive their children will become.
- Page 213: To be as valuable to children as parents want to be, listen to children, recognize them as competent and learn from them.
What are examples of emotions children may feel in different situations?
- Page 23: When children stop cooperating, it is either because they have cooperated too much for too long, or because they feel that their integrity has been harmed. It is never because they are uncooperative.
- Page 29: Before expressing themselves, children watch facial expressions of their parents to learn about emotions they feel. The children then adapt their behavior. Example: If a child sees that his or her mother is nervous about having guests, the child will start to cry or turn his or her face away from the visitors.
- Page 40: When parents disagree and become angry with each other, it makes children afraid and unhappy.
- Page 136: Children feel guilty, when their parents have personal or marital problems or when parents treat them badly.
- Page 142: When children spend the first 5, 10 or 13 years of their lives giving priority to their parents' needs and feelings, children will feel over responsible, as over-responsibility has become a central part of their identity and the only way they have learned how to be of value to other people.
- Page 172: The more parents criticize children, the more children feel they are wrong. The more children feel they are wrong, the more difficult it will be for children to do something right.
Other research from the book:
- Page 4: Some adults behave in unloving ways towards their children, because they have learned to regard unloving acts as loving - and regard loving acts as irresponsible. Example: At a bus stop, a grandmother and her two grandchildren are waiting for the bus. The boy says to the grandmother that he has to go to the toilet. The grandmother responds, "You can't go now. We have got to get home. Look at your big sister how big and sensible she is."
- Page 25: When children have to choose between preserving their integrity and cooperating, they choose cooperating 9 times out of 10.
- Pages 30 - 33: Children copy their parents. Examples: A child, who is cared for, cares about others. A child, who is criticized, criticizes others or himself/herself. Children, who are brought up in non-expressive families, become either silent or talkative.
- Page 100: A generation ago, we needed to "behave" ourselves as precisely as actors delivering monologues. Who we were and what we felt about ourselves were not important. The goal of raising children was to make them conform to an external ideal.
What can children do to take responsibility for themselves?
- Page 96: Because children continuously challenge beliefs, boundaries, values and emotions of people, they naturally help everyone around them to learn / grow.
- Page 107: A child is responsible herself / himself for what she or he senses. For example, a child is responsible for what she or he thinks tastes / smells / sounds / looks good or bad.
- Page 107: A child is responsible for emotions, which he or she feels.
- Page 107: When children grow older, they will take responsibility for more and more areas of their life, for example what clothes they want to wear, what they do in their spare time and what they want to study.
- Page 107: A child is responsible for her or his needs. For example, a child is responsible for expressing whether he or she is hungry or not, or whether he or she is tired or not.
- Page 154: It is the responsibility of children, who are older than five years, to wake themselves up in the morning. A mother or a father can offer to help the child get up in the morning.
- Page 158: It is the responsibility of children themselves to do their homework.
What do children need their parents to do?
- Page 44: Children know what they want. However, they do not know what they need. When parents are afraid of being authoritarian, children get too much of what they want and too little of what they need.
- Page 52: Instead of blaming children, adults need to accept responsibility for mistakes adults make themselves.
- Page 68: When a child does something, which is fun and also a little risky, establish eye contact with the child and say "hi". Thereby, the child knows that you have seen the child's experience. This satisfies the child's need to feel loved.
- Page 71: If a child is having problems with her or his homework, ask, for example: Do you need help with your homework? Then the child will feel that she / he has been seen.
- Page 72: To strengthen a child's self-esteem, acknowledge / recognize the child. Example: If a child gives his or her mother or father a drawing, the parent can acknowledge the gift by saying "Thank you Larry, I am happy to have this drawing." Acknowledgement / recognition originates from the German word "Anerkennung."
- Page 75: The more we allow children to give us, the healthier their self esteem becomes.
- Page 118: When a mother and/or a father has / have an important issue to discuss with her / his / their child, she / he / they need to agree on a time and place to have a conversation with the child about that issue.
- Page 160: Children need to feel safe to express their emotions when communicating with their parents.
- Page 168: Parents can define and communicate their personal limits, which they think will make lives of their children better. Examples: "I want you to clean up your room before you go to bed."
- Page 175: When a child asks for permission to stay over at a friend's place tonight, ask back: What do you think? Thereby, children learn to consult themselves instead of focusing all their attention on their parents. Accordingly, their self esteem and self responsibility grow. The same applies to decisions about other social activities of the children.
- Page 178: When children express their emotions, for example when they are upset about something, do not interrupt them. Meet them with sympathetic silence.
- Page 180: To create a family, in which all members thrive and develop in healthy ways, focus on dialogue - not on getting and giving permission.
- Page 183: Children need parents who support the attempts of children to discover who they are.
- Page 193: Parents need to negotiate household chores with their children. For example, a mother or a father can say: Your mother / father and I want you to take responsibility for one or more household chores. What chores do you prefer? What do you think about, for example, taking responsibility for taking out the garbage, when that is needed? Or would you rather do chores related to buying groceries, cooking, cleaning or washing clothes?
- Page 198: During their transformation to adults, some teenagers start to do destructive and self-destructive things. When parents take an active, personal share of the responsibility, teenagers can slowly begin to rebuild their self-esteem. And ultimately, they will treat themselves better.
- Page 203: The more determined parents are to develop aspects of their own personalities, the less self destructive their children will become.
- Page 213: To be as valuable to children as parents want to be, listen to children, recognize them as competent and learn from them.
What are examples of emotions children may feel in different situations?
- Page 23: When children stop cooperating, it is either because they have cooperated too much for too long, or because they feel that their integrity has been harmed. It is never because they are uncooperative.
- Page 29: Before expressing themselves, children watch facial expressions of their parents to learn about emotions they feel. The children then adapt their behavior. Example: If a child sees that his or her mother is nervous about having guests, the child will start to cry or turn his or her face away from the visitors.
- Page 40: When parents disagree and become angry with each other, it makes children afraid and unhappy.
- Page 136: Children feel guilty, when their parents have personal or marital problems or when parents treat them badly.
- Page 142: When children spend the first 5, 10 or 13 years of their lives giving priority to their parents' needs and feelings, children will feel over responsible, as over-responsibility has become a central part of their identity and the only way they have learned how to be of value to other people.
- Page 172: The more parents criticize children, the more children feel they are wrong. The more children feel they are wrong, the more difficult it will be for children to do something right.
Other research from the book:
- Page 4: Some adults behave in unloving ways towards their children, because they have learned to regard unloving acts as loving - and regard loving acts as irresponsible. Example: At a bus stop, a grandmother and her two grandchildren are waiting for the bus. The boy says to the grandmother that he has to go to the toilet. The grandmother responds, "You can't go now. We have got to get home. Look at your big sister how big and sensible she is."
- Page 25: When children have to choose between preserving their integrity and cooperating, they choose cooperating 9 times out of 10.
- Pages 30 - 33: Children copy their parents. Examples: A child, who is cared for, cares about others. A child, who is criticized, criticizes others or himself/herself. Children, who are brought up in non-expressive families, become either silent or talkative.
- Page 100: A generation ago, we needed to "behave" ourselves as precisely as actors delivering monologues. Who we were and what we felt about ourselves were not important. The goal of raising children was to make them conform to an external ideal.
May 3, 2024
Ador colecția din care face parte cartea, "Educație cu blândețe" însă cu autorul acesta nu mă prea împac... Tot ce am citit de la el m-a făcut mai confuză decât să mă lămurească. Are unele idei bune dar exprimate (din punctul meu de vedere) ciudat.
De data aceasta, cartea de față este plină-plină de teorie și foarte puțin aplicabilă. Ideea centrală ar fi că se poate coopera cu cei mici în modul în care se adaptează ei la cerințele noastre și nu cum am spera noi neapărat să o facă.
De data aceasta, cartea de față este plină-plină de teorie și foarte puțin aplicabilă. Ideea centrală ar fi că se poate coopera cu cei mici în modul în care se adaptează ei la cerințele noastre și nu cum am spera noi neapărat să o facă.
September 10, 2022
The main premise of the book is nice - to treat children more seriously. Some decent examples and ideas. But I didn’t like the book itself, its structure, language, lack of clarity, lack of connection between sections, unclear main messages. Especially in the first half of the book. Some of it could have been the translation though - I read the Polish one.
Also, as usual with these kinds of books, I felt like the parental role on children’s behaviour and outcomes etc. is overblown.
I’m unsure whether I’ll reach for other Juul’s writing at this point.
Also, as usual with these kinds of books, I felt like the parental role on children’s behaviour and outcomes etc. is overblown.
I’m unsure whether I’ll reach for other Juul’s writing at this point.
March 23, 2014
A must for every child and parent. This book explains how we screw up with good intentions. Then the book gives clear advice on how to be a better person to yourself, to your children, to partners and parents. The feelings do not hurt, the words and actions do.
June 26, 2012
Recommend every parent, kindergarden (pre-school)teacher, and teacher in general. This book was an eye opener for me.
January 16, 2020
Bardzo fajna książka pokazująca i omawiająca jak my, rodzice możemy pomoc naszym dzieciom w problemach które one maja a nam się wydaje ze są to ich problemy. Jak punkt widzenia różni się od punktu siedzenia. Jak nasze zachowanie ma wpływa na to jak zachowuje się nasze dziecko - czy aby na pewno chcemy być podenerwowani jak oddajemy dzieci do przedszkola?
Jednak nie to mnie urzekło, a to ze dziecko to człowiek, ma swoją godność i ma swoje prawa. Po pierwsze powinno ono zrozumieć co ono chce i dlaczego a nie co sąsiad pomyśli jak będzie ono skakało po podłodze. To ze dziecko potrzebuje dostrzenia a nie pochwały. Dziecko powinno być traktowane poważnie a nie „bo ty nie rozumiesz, dzieckiem jesteś”.
O dziwo mimo iż książka jest z 95 roku to jest ona dobra i dzisiaj. Warto ja przeczytać i się zastanowić nad punktami, nie ze wszystkim trzeb się zgadzać, jednak jak się zastanowić to jednak prawie wszystko ma ręce i nogi :)
Gorąco polecam :)
Jednak nie to mnie urzekło, a to ze dziecko to człowiek, ma swoją godność i ma swoje prawa. Po pierwsze powinno ono zrozumieć co ono chce i dlaczego a nie co sąsiad pomyśli jak będzie ono skakało po podłodze. To ze dziecko potrzebuje dostrzenia a nie pochwały. Dziecko powinno być traktowane poważnie a nie „bo ty nie rozumiesz, dzieckiem jesteś”.
O dziwo mimo iż książka jest z 95 roku to jest ona dobra i dzisiaj. Warto ja przeczytać i się zastanowić nad punktami, nie ze wszystkim trzeb się zgadzać, jednak jak się zastanowić to jednak prawie wszystko ma ręce i nogi :)
Gorąco polecam :)
March 25, 2024
Wracam do tej książki po dziesięciu latach.
Kiedyś, jak to mówi Juul, w totalitarnym modelu rodziny, wszystko było winą dziecka. Według modelu, który proponuje Juul, wszystko jest winą dorosłego. Czekam na książkę, która po prostu skupi się na budowaniu satysfakcjonującej relacji między rodzicem, a dzieckiem.
W książce jest dużo prawdy i mądrości oraz czarno białych uproszczeń i zafałszowań.
Jeśli dziecko płacze w nocy - może mieć kolki, rosnące zęby, bolący brzuszek - niekoniecznie jest winna wcześniejsza kłótnia rodziców lub brak zdrowo postawionych granic.
Jeśli dziecko nie je - niekoniecznie jest to dlatego, że nie chce jeść tego, co serwują mu rodzice. Możliwe, że jak dostanie, to co chciało i tak tego nie zje.
Według Juula już trzylatek może wziąć odpowiedzialność za swoje żywienie i cykl snu.
Według Juula, gdy dziecko zaniedbuje obowiązki szkolne, ale robi to otwarcie, to powód do świętowania, że dziecko zachowuje swoją integralność.
W przykładach Juula dorośli nigdy nie są zmęczeni, a dzieci zawsze są racjonalne.
Oddanie autonomii dziecku i pozwolenie mu decydować, to nieomal złoty środek, który rozwiązuje wszystkie problemy.
Książka powstała ewidentnie z troski o dzieci. I jakkolwiek nie kwestionuję klinicznego doświadczenia autora, to wątpię, czy książkę tę można traktować jako poradnik dla rodziców.
Kiedyś, jak to mówi Juul, w totalitarnym modelu rodziny, wszystko było winą dziecka. Według modelu, który proponuje Juul, wszystko jest winą dorosłego. Czekam na książkę, która po prostu skupi się na budowaniu satysfakcjonującej relacji między rodzicem, a dzieckiem.
W książce jest dużo prawdy i mądrości oraz czarno białych uproszczeń i zafałszowań.
Jeśli dziecko płacze w nocy - może mieć kolki, rosnące zęby, bolący brzuszek - niekoniecznie jest winna wcześniejsza kłótnia rodziców lub brak zdrowo postawionych granic.
Jeśli dziecko nie je - niekoniecznie jest to dlatego, że nie chce jeść tego, co serwują mu rodzice. Możliwe, że jak dostanie, to co chciało i tak tego nie zje.
Według Juula już trzylatek może wziąć odpowiedzialność za swoje żywienie i cykl snu.
Według Juula, gdy dziecko zaniedbuje obowiązki szkolne, ale robi to otwarcie, to powód do świętowania, że dziecko zachowuje swoją integralność.
W przykładach Juula dorośli nigdy nie są zmęczeni, a dzieci zawsze są racjonalne.
Oddanie autonomii dziecku i pozwolenie mu decydować, to nieomal złoty środek, który rozwiązuje wszystkie problemy.
Książka powstała ewidentnie z troski o dzieci. I jakkolwiek nie kwestionuję klinicznego doświadczenia autora, to wątpię, czy książkę tę można traktować jako poradnik dla rodziców.
June 26, 2016
I'm a bit sceptical of psychology in general and as such this book did nothing to change that. Defining the different kinds of "integrity" and "responsibility" as if our personalities can be so easily dissected does not really convince me. There are numerous example dialogues where we are told that changing a few words will make all the difference between good parenting and bad parenting.
That being said, I did appreciate the overall message of the book, which is that we need to respect the integrity of our children and be careful to nurture it rather than destroy it. I think the kind of upbringing that the reader has had will play a big role in whether this stance seems obvious or radical.
Finally, this edition is littered with spelling and typographical errors. There is literally something wrong on every single page and I found it extremely distracting. It was clearly typeset in a hurry.
That being said, I did appreciate the overall message of the book, which is that we need to respect the integrity of our children and be careful to nurture it rather than destroy it. I think the kind of upbringing that the reader has had will play a big role in whether this stance seems obvious or radical.
Finally, this edition is littered with spelling and typographical errors. There is literally something wrong on every single page and I found it extremely distracting. It was clearly typeset in a hurry.
October 10, 2016
Ich glaube jeder der Kinder hat oder haben will, sollte dieses Buch lesen.
Es ist kein Erziehungsratgeber der Sagt, du muss das so und jenes so machen, sondern Jesper Juul zeigt anschaulich wie unsere Kinder wirklich ticken und warum die althergebrachten Erziehungsmethoden zwar so aussehen als würden sie Funktionieren, aber man im Grund nur einen kurzfristigen Erfolg bringen der langfristig ins Gegenteil umkehren kann. Er zeigt an vielen Beispielen das unsere Kinder uns viele Hinweise geben was wir "falsch" machen, die meisten Eltern diese aber gar nicht war nehmen oder meisten sogar komplett Fehlinterpretieren.
Ein Wermutstropfen bleibt aber die Tatsache das all die Erklärungen zwar sehr informativ und einleuchtend sind. Nachdem Jesper Juul aber vieles was wir kannten und dachten das es uns "hilft" als problematisch herausgearbeitet hat, bleibt man etwas alleingelassen mit der Frage zurück "wie denn dann"?
Es ist kein Erziehungsratgeber der Sagt, du muss das so und jenes so machen, sondern Jesper Juul zeigt anschaulich wie unsere Kinder wirklich ticken und warum die althergebrachten Erziehungsmethoden zwar so aussehen als würden sie Funktionieren, aber man im Grund nur einen kurzfristigen Erfolg bringen der langfristig ins Gegenteil umkehren kann. Er zeigt an vielen Beispielen das unsere Kinder uns viele Hinweise geben was wir "falsch" machen, die meisten Eltern diese aber gar nicht war nehmen oder meisten sogar komplett Fehlinterpretieren.
Ein Wermutstropfen bleibt aber die Tatsache das all die Erklärungen zwar sehr informativ und einleuchtend sind. Nachdem Jesper Juul aber vieles was wir kannten und dachten das es uns "hilft" als problematisch herausgearbeitet hat, bleibt man etwas alleingelassen mit der Frage zurück "wie denn dann"?
August 15, 2015
After only two weeks of using some of the advice from the books, my kids and I work more easily together. Highly recommended for all parents even those have everything under control. You might be surprised and recognize yourself in one of the chapters.
April 29, 2013
If you are a parent, or going to be, or a brother/sister, or a teacher, you should read this.
August 27, 2025
Ich finde, das Buch ist eine grundlegende Einführung in das generelle Konzept der Erziehung bzw. nicht-Erziehung. Es regt sehr viel zum Nachdenken an, und unterlegt viele Situationen mit Beispielen von Dingen, die der Autor so wirklich erlebt bzw. erzählt bekommen hat. Das verbildlicht die vielen Situationen. Auch zeigt er immerwieder Alternativen zwischen Handlungen und Aussagen auf und erklärt, wie sich welche Handlung auswirken kann. Und, was ich auch sehr wichtig finde: er betont, dass trotz des Fehlverhaltens der Eltern an manchen Stellen es immernoch nicht heißt, dass sie ihre Kinder nicht oder weniger lieben würden. Gerade wenn man viele Beispiele aus der eigenen Erziehung oder von Erzählungen her wiedererkennt, fühlt es sich gut an, dass er diese nicht verteufelt sondern stets betont, dass die Menschen hier dennoch nach bestem Wissen und Gewissen und mit viel Liebe und Wohlwollen gehandelt haben - nur dass leider andere wichtige Wissensfundamente noch mit einbezogen werden müssen.
Gesamtinhalt, der mir von dem Buch auf erster Linie hängen geblieben ist: Kinder sind immer bemüht zu kooperieren - die Erwachsenen missinterpretieren ihr Verhalten (bzw. schauen nicht auf die Ursache sondern nur die Symptome des Verhaltens), geben falsche Vorbilder oder reagieren nicht förderlich auf die jeweiligen Situationen. Wenn man mit diesem Grundsatz an das Verhalten von Kindern rangeht, sollte man anscheinend oft den Fehler bzw. die Ursache bei sich selbst finden, und sehen, dass Kinder (und Jugendliche) eigentlich nur das machen, was ihnen vorgelebt bzw. beigebracht wurde.
Ich habe mir beim Lesen auch immer wieder Kerngedanken rausgeschrieben, um diese bewusst wahrgenommen zu haben und ggf. auch nochmal nachlesen zu können. Demnach, andere Grundsätze, die ich von diesem Buch mitnehmen will:
1) wenn man anderen Menschen Grenzen setzen will dann dient das eher dem eigenen Machterhalt statt einer guten Interaktion. Um ordentlich sozial interagieren zu können, muss man sich eher selber Grenzen setzen können, und natürlich auch die Grenzen anderer respektieren.
2) Kinder sind stets gewillt zu kooperieren (hier auch oft mit Kopieren/Nachahmen gleichgesetzt, was dann schlussendlich auf das Zusammen-Arbeiten hinausläuft); das kann direkt (direktes Nachahmen) oder spiegelverkehrt (Tun des Gegenteils des Vorbildes) auftreten; Verhaltensweisen von Kindern liegt oft Kooperation zugrunde, wir erkennen dies nur nicht
3) wenn sich Kinder (selbst-)destruktiv oder asozial verhalten, dann weil sie dieses Verhalten von Erwachsenen aus ihrem näheren Umfeld gelernt haben
4) wir sollen auch oft ich-bezogen (in der "persönlichen Sprache", bspw. "ich möchte (nicht)) mit Kindern sprechen und unsere Grenzen so setzen. So lernen Kinder, wie man eigene Bedürfnisse und Wünsche ausdrückt, ohne dass es direkt eine Aufforderung an andere ist; auch, dass wir unsere eigenen Wünsche nicht als Normen darstellen sondern eben als eigene Wünsche (Beispiel aus dem Buch: "Man geht nicht mit dreckigen Schuhen ins Wohnzimmer." vs. "Ich möchte nicht, dass jemand mit dreckigen Schuhen ins Wohnzimmer geht." So lernen Kinder auch viel deutlicher, wo jetzt die wirklichen Grenzen einer Person liegen und vermischen diese nicht mit pseudo-Gesetzen der sozialen Welt.
5) wenn man auf Aussagen und Empfindungen von Kindern reagiert, muss man aufpassen, dass man deren Erlebnisse nicht entkräftigt - also auf Aussagen wie "Mir ist kalt." nicht mit "Ach quatsch, es ist doch voll warm." reagiert. Sonst lehrt man Kindern so, dass ihre Empfindungen falsch seien.
6) wenn Kinder und Jugendliche "einfach nicht zuhören" dann oftmals, weil es nicht zuhörenswert ist - bezogen auf den Inhalt da man nicht permanent belehrt werden will, oder auf die Art und Weise die einfach nicht respektvoll ist. Sondern dieses permanent Belehrende, bei dem auch die Erwachsenen dann oft abschalten.
Gesamtinhalt, der mir von dem Buch auf erster Linie hängen geblieben ist: Kinder sind immer bemüht zu kooperieren - die Erwachsenen missinterpretieren ihr Verhalten (bzw. schauen nicht auf die Ursache sondern nur die Symptome des Verhaltens), geben falsche Vorbilder oder reagieren nicht förderlich auf die jeweiligen Situationen. Wenn man mit diesem Grundsatz an das Verhalten von Kindern rangeht, sollte man anscheinend oft den Fehler bzw. die Ursache bei sich selbst finden, und sehen, dass Kinder (und Jugendliche) eigentlich nur das machen, was ihnen vorgelebt bzw. beigebracht wurde.
Ich habe mir beim Lesen auch immer wieder Kerngedanken rausgeschrieben, um diese bewusst wahrgenommen zu haben und ggf. auch nochmal nachlesen zu können. Demnach, andere Grundsätze, die ich von diesem Buch mitnehmen will:
1) wenn man anderen Menschen Grenzen setzen will dann dient das eher dem eigenen Machterhalt statt einer guten Interaktion. Um ordentlich sozial interagieren zu können, muss man sich eher selber Grenzen setzen können, und natürlich auch die Grenzen anderer respektieren.
2) Kinder sind stets gewillt zu kooperieren (hier auch oft mit Kopieren/Nachahmen gleichgesetzt, was dann schlussendlich auf das Zusammen-Arbeiten hinausläuft); das kann direkt (direktes Nachahmen) oder spiegelverkehrt (Tun des Gegenteils des Vorbildes) auftreten; Verhaltensweisen von Kindern liegt oft Kooperation zugrunde, wir erkennen dies nur nicht
3) wenn sich Kinder (selbst-)destruktiv oder asozial verhalten, dann weil sie dieses Verhalten von Erwachsenen aus ihrem näheren Umfeld gelernt haben
4) wir sollen auch oft ich-bezogen (in der "persönlichen Sprache", bspw. "ich möchte (nicht)) mit Kindern sprechen und unsere Grenzen so setzen. So lernen Kinder, wie man eigene Bedürfnisse und Wünsche ausdrückt, ohne dass es direkt eine Aufforderung an andere ist; auch, dass wir unsere eigenen Wünsche nicht als Normen darstellen sondern eben als eigene Wünsche (Beispiel aus dem Buch: "Man geht nicht mit dreckigen Schuhen ins Wohnzimmer." vs. "Ich möchte nicht, dass jemand mit dreckigen Schuhen ins Wohnzimmer geht." So lernen Kinder auch viel deutlicher, wo jetzt die wirklichen Grenzen einer Person liegen und vermischen diese nicht mit pseudo-Gesetzen der sozialen Welt.
5) wenn man auf Aussagen und Empfindungen von Kindern reagiert, muss man aufpassen, dass man deren Erlebnisse nicht entkräftigt - also auf Aussagen wie "Mir ist kalt." nicht mit "Ach quatsch, es ist doch voll warm." reagiert. Sonst lehrt man Kindern so, dass ihre Empfindungen falsch seien.
6) wenn Kinder und Jugendliche "einfach nicht zuhören" dann oftmals, weil es nicht zuhörenswert ist - bezogen auf den Inhalt da man nicht permanent belehrt werden will, oder auf die Art und Weise die einfach nicht respektvoll ist. Sondern dieses permanent Belehrende, bei dem auch die Erwachsenen dann oft abschalten.
July 14, 2024
Книга, котру я з радістю додам до своєї підбірки найкращих книг для батьків, незалежно від того, якого віку ваша дитина, як давно ви є батьками. Автор розкручує свої роздуми навколо ідеї про те, що дитина - компетентна соціальна особистість від самого народження. Дитина взаємодіє з нами різними способами та шляхами, сигналізуючи про свої потреби, стани, емоції та відчуття.
"Все починається з дорослого" - запевняє автор. І копіювання дитиною моделей поведінки - це дещо більше, ніж повторення за нами слів та дій. Дитина своєю поведінкою відображає наші внутрішні установки, стани, слабкі місця. Дитина є найкращим джерером для нашого самовдосконалення.
🧡Мої інсайти після прочитання, або чому ж я раджу вам звернути увагу на це видання:🧡
✔️будь-яка поведінка дитини - це її розмова з нами, її звернення до нас, прохання звернути уваги на стосунки.
✔️глибоко, ніжно і трепетно описується те, як дітлахи взаємодіють з знами, і те, як неправильно зчитані сигнали можуть інтерпретуватись батькам як щось погане.
✔️дуже відгукнулись розділи і роздуми про цілісність особистості дитини, про рівність, про сприйняття її серйозно, а не як щось "незріле", "невміле" і "мале".
✔️вас у цій книзі не будуть повчати! Це не практичний гайд, не покрокова інструкція, це цікавезні роздуми, усіяні прикладами з практики автора, моделями поведінки, їхніми розбірами.
Мені здається, таку книгу має прочитати кожен, от правда👌.
Навіть маючи за плечима чимало прочитаних книжок, концепція викладена в цій книзі мені надзвичайно сподобалась! Діти взаємодіють. Кожна фраза, кожна поведінка, кожен плач і слово - це їхня взаємодія з нами.
"Все починається з дорослого" - запевняє автор. І копіювання дитиною моделей поведінки - це дещо більше, ніж повторення за нами слів та дій. Дитина своєю поведінкою відображає наші внутрішні установки, стани, слабкі місця. Дитина є найкращим джерером для нашого самовдосконалення.
🧡Мої інсайти після прочитання, або чому ж я раджу вам звернути увагу на це видання:🧡
✔️будь-яка поведінка дитини - це її розмова з нами, її звернення до нас, прохання звернути уваги на стосунки.
✔️глибоко, ніжно і трепетно описується те, як дітлахи взаємодіють з знами, і те, як неправильно зчитані сигнали можуть інтерпретуватись батькам як щось погане.
✔️дуже відгукнулись розділи і роздуми про цілісність особистості дитини, про рівність, про сприйняття її серйозно, а не як щось "незріле", "невміле" і "мале".
✔️вас у цій книзі не будуть повчати! Це не практичний гайд, не покрокова інструкція, це цікавезні роздуми, усіяні прикладами з практики автора, моделями поведінки, їхніми розбірами.
Мені здається, таку книгу має прочитати кожен, от правда👌.
Навіть маючи за плечима чимало прочитаних книжок, концепція викладена в цій книзі мені надзвичайно сподобалась! Діти взаємодіють. Кожна фраза, кожна поведінка, кожен плач і слово - це їхня взаємодія з нами.
June 17, 2019
"По отношение на децата сме се научили, че трябва да се вслушаме, да признаем, че са компетентни и да се учим от тях, като по този начин ще станем толкова ценни за тях, колкото ни се иска. А случи ли се поведението им да ни кара да се чувстваме всичко друго, но не и ценни, то причината почти винаги е, че не сме в състояние – или по-точно, че преди този конкретен конфликт не сме били в състояние – да превърнем изпълнените с любов чувства в изпълнено с любов поведение и добрите се намерения – в ползотворно взаимодействие."
"Но създадат ли семейство, родителите са длъжни да се издигнат над миналото."
Отлична. Според мен трябва да я прочете всеки, който си има взимане-даване с деца.
"Но създадат ли семейство, родителите са длъжни да се издигнат над миналото."
Отлична. Според мен трябва да я прочете всеки, който си има взимане-даване с деца.
April 17, 2025
Jesper Juuls Bücher sind Klassiker und bieten auch Jahre später auf viele Erziehungsfragen frischen Wind. Das Buch hilft nicht nur Eltern und Erziehenden ihr Verhalten dem Kind gegenüber zu hinterfragen, sondern thematisiert auch Prägungen aus der eigenen Kindheit und wie man damit umgehen kann. Der Schreibstil ist prägnant, lässt sich leicht lesen und bringt das Wichtige auf den Punkt. Das Buch ist sehr hilfreich für einen gemeinsames Leben und voneinander Lernen als Familie, sowohl in der Eltern-Kind wie auch in der Paarbeziehung.
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