I got this book free from a yard sale early last summer. I only ever got about halfway done with it, and it's sort of amazing I even got that far, because I sort of hated this book and I didn't really like it the whole time I was reading. I know how retarded it seems that I kept going, but it’s partly because it’s like slowing down to look at an interesting car wreck and you want to see how it all might pan out in the end, and partly because it’s sitting on the back of the toilet and I go in to pee and it’s just there so I read another two pages.
So I made very slow progress through this book that I do not like at all, and maybe another part of why I sometimes continue to read a book I don’t like is that I like to be able to figure out why I don’t like it. If you tell someone you didn’t like a restaurant, you should be able to pin it on something. The food was too greasy. Too expensive. The waiter was high and spilled a mai tai down your front. So it seems like the same thing here. And I only had this vague feeling at first about why I did not like the book.
This book is about a woman who is the daughter of a WWII veteran turned potato farmer and his Japanese war bride. Her name is Yumi, but because it’s rural Idaho, everyone pronounces it Yummy. Because of this, there is liberal reference to “Na Na The Yummy Song”. Anyway, so sometime in the 70s when she’s 14 or so, she is seduced by a high school teacher with an Asian fetish and gets pregnant. He takes her into Pocatello for a hush-hush abortion, some terrible stuff goes down when her parents find out, and she runs away. Apparently she lives on the street for a couple of years and then enrolls in college. She does not go back home to Idaho. She has her first child in like 1984 or something with a gay man she knows is gay and winds up marrying and moving to Texas with him. She names this first child Phoenix.
Now, not to completely derail my faithful recounting of this narrative, but this was one of the first major things that gave me kind of that it’s-a-party-in-my-mouth-and-everyone-is-throwing-up feeling was the fact that she named her child after Professor Dumbledore’s pet bird, if Dumbledore’s bird was simply named according to his breed instead of having a real name, which incidentally was Fawkes. You know. Like people who name their dog “Dog”. At least she didn’t name him “Kid”.
Anyway, so like six years later she has a daughter with some other guy and names her “Ocean”. Groan. Then like six years after that, she has another baby, which is male and I can’t remember its real name and they call it Poo. Which I actually prefer to either of the other two children’s names.
So she is living in Hawaii and working part time doing real estate under the DBA “Yummy Acres” and teaching at the college level because she got a doctorate, I think, and then her childhood friend gets in touch with her to let her know that her dad’s colon had to be removed and he’s dying and her mom is basically completely senile. So she comes back to Idaho with her kids on a temporary basis and it pretty much sucks.
Meanwhile. Some traveling hippies pick up a foster kid named Frank somewhere further east of here and go on a pilgrimage to meet the grandparents of Phoenix, Ocean and Poo. Because, I forgot to explain, they run an organic back-to-earth heirloom seed business in addition to the potato farming. Anyway, this foster kid gets one of the hippie chicks pregnant and they all go west to teach everyone about the evils of big agriculture and foods that are genetically engineered to be more resistant to pests and disease.
So with these two things, stupid names and self-righteous hippies, I had a bad taste in my mouth. But there was something else bugging me and I couldn’t put my finger on it yet. And I slowly started to figure out that the problem I had was that the author published this book in 2003 and the book is set in 1998 and it could not be more obvious that she has no clue whatsoever what the internet was like back in 1998. It’s not like the internet has been the same all along and then it just became more popular all of a sudden. There have been some serious technological advances with respect to all that crap.
I had this vague feeling that the book was not all that accurate, even from the beginning. The hippies spend a lot of time on the internet–just exactly where, it’s not entirely clear, although I doubt this is happening at their hoopty recreational vehicle. Wireless was not really available back then. And the book relies heavily on the internet to carry certain aspects of the plot. Characters are constantly looking up each other and various information and companies on the internet. The main character “Yummy” has a website for her real estate business. Blink tag included, I’m sure. I mean, it was 1998, right?
It was bothering me but I didn’t have extremely concrete objections just yet. Back then, most “normal” people did not have much of an internet presence to speak of. Your average layperson just barely knew how to do e-mail and Yahoo search and had never even heard of Google and they called it the “World Wide Web” or just “the web” if they fancied themselves really slick. Google was so new it was like the delicate premature infant of search engines and it was something only internet nerds were buzzing about. I remember the first time I ever saw a TV commercial that had an internet address. It seemed completely crazy and I remember sitting there thinking, “Oh my god, I could look at this commercial and look at this company’s website at the same time, if only the computer and the TV were close to each other!”
Then I read a little further and by the time I gave up, I was thoroughly disgusted with the book. Apparently the pregnant girl planned to give birth at home (in their RV?) and was conducting extensive birthing research online. Part of this research involved watching videos of births in progress. At this point I was through second-guessing my memory of internet circa 1998. I know for sure that, having lived in such a place myself at the time, people in rural BFE America were not watching video on their dial-up internet in 1998. That was difficult enough on a T-1 connection in the college dorms in 2001.
In 1998 I had already been an internet junkie for years. We lived out in the sticks. I didn’t know anybody who had something better than dial-up at their actual home. The only place you could go to have “fast” internet access was a college campus, or if you were really lucky, high school. At our house out in the country, the maximum internet speed was around 2K per second. TWO KILOBYTES. I remember being really impressed that in town my boyfriend (now my husband) was able to get a lightning fast 7K per second. It only took him like ten minutes to download an MP3, which were beginning to gain popularity then. I mean, wow. That was fast. I was seriously really jealous of that. In 1998 the idea of video on the internet seemed like this absurdly unattainable science fiction dream. I didn’t know anybody who could afford the kind of equipment you’d need to put video on the internet. And not even a college T-1 was fast enough to do the kind of live video streams we see now or that the author was describing. And it would take days to download a video file even if you could handle watching it on your slow-ass 300MHz computer. We had a friend who bought a 400MHz computer with MY GOD a CD burner that summer and it was like the most amazing thing I could imagine at the time. Nowadays you would throw up in your mouth just having to look at a computer like that. But back then it was luxurious enough if you simply had a second telephone line so you could get phone calls and be on the internet at the same time. Nobody did video. Nobody.
I guess I shouldn’t get so bent out of shape. Probably most publishers don’t think it’s very important to fact-check fiction. But it still irritates the hell out of me to run into completely inaccurate stuff like this when I’m reading. It just makes it impossible to take the thing seriously and it really takes away from the story. How am I supposed to have any respect for the author’s story if she couldn’t take the trouble to do the basic groundwork to make sure she doesn’t look like a fool behind this crap?
I started this book once where the author referred to a character admiring the shiny “chassey” on her car. I believe after that she may have gotten out a “shemmy cloth”. Folks. If the chassis on your car is exposed to the point that you can see it just walking up, you may have a serious problem and you probably shouldn’t be just standing there admiring the damn thing like an idiot. And forget the chamois cloth. Seeing these ridiculous errors made it impossible to read the rest of the book, which was a terrible piece of detritus aside from that, but seriously. How can you have any regard for a person who is comfortable writing about topics on which they are completely ignorant?
Anyway. I dropped this book off in a work book swap after deciding I had my own permission to stop reading the stupid thing.