Low-Demand Parenting: Dropping Demands, Restoring Calm, and Finding Connection with your Uniquely Wired Child

by Amanda Diekman

"Low-demand parenting requires radical acceptance. It says to the kid right in front of you, I see you, just as you are. - You are ok here. I love you right here."

Parent to neurodivergent children and autistic adult, Amanda Diekman, outlines a parenting approach that finally lowers the bar for the whole family, enabling the equilibrium of the home to be restored.

Low-demand parenting allows you to drop the demands and expectations that are making family life impossible and embrace the joyful freedom of living life with low demands. It can be a particularly effective approach for children with high anxiety levels including neurodivergent children. Amanda talks from experience and teaches you how to identify what the big, tiny and invisible demands are for your own child and gives you the step-by-step instructions on how to drop them.

Full of practical resources and scripts that are easy to implement in busy everyday life, this book is your flashlight and your map to parenting your uniquely wired child. It will not tell you where to go, but it will help you find your way so you and your family thrive.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Self Help, Psychology, Family, Education

160 pages, Kindle Edition

Published July 21, 2023

Reviews

[Angela · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to love this book because I’ve heard such great things and I think there is such value in reducing demands on our children. Unfortunately, I feel like this book does what a lot of other parenting books do and vilifies all other ways of parenting that aren’t the one true way the author believes in and uses to parent her own children. Asking your children to have dinner at the table with you? You’re doing it because you want to be seen as a good parent. Deciding that unlimited screen time isn’t right for your family? You’re giving into the shame that society puts on parents around screen time. Choosing to help your child through some limited demands? You’re not authentically connecting with your child and their needs. Making compromises with your spouse around parenting choices? Clearly you’re not being true to your authentic self.

There is such value in lowering demands on children but I wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone unless they are content choosing to parent in the exact way the author does. She unilaterally decided what was best for her children without consulting her partner and in writing this books she’s unilaterally deciding what low demand parenting means without leaving room for the reader to have alternate opinions.

[Rachel · Rating 1 out of 5]

Well…that was incredibly disappointing. Ironically enough, I read about 90% of this while my teen was in the second stage of their autism/ADHD assessment. I immediately felt disconnected from the author’s story and ways of thinking because I have a well-rounded, mostly adaptive teenager who communicates with empathy. I’m a huge advocate for forging your own path, but someday your child(ren) is going to go out in the world where hitting and yelling and being destructive is not okay. As parents it’s part of our responsibility to raise good and kind human beings. There are just so many parts of this book I 100% disagree with that it’s difficult for me to wrap my head around that so many people recommended this book.

[Jennifer Amundsen Gavin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has background that parents can immediately connect with and feel a sense of relief and then it has bulleted easy to follow examples and instructions that anyone can do. I don't follow all of the examples that the author used for her family but I have different things that I used in my family that worked beautifully and everyone is happier. It's really easy to cater to your own needs. Before I even finished reading the instructions I had an overwhelming feeling of what we needed to do for our family and I had the confidence to know that everything would be okay. I am so grateful to the author for bringing these techniques closer to mainstream society. You do you kids and everything will be alright.

[Elle Barrett · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have followed Amanda’s Instagram account and have been impatiently awaiting this book for over a year now and it did not disappoint! It’s very to the point without skipping over anything important. There are a few great books on PDA right now (not that more aren’t needed!) but this is the first one I’ve read specifically about how to actually implement a low-demand lifestyle instead of just suggesting one. The chapter on screen time really gave me permission to take off a lot of the pressure I was putting on myself. I also appreciate how the book didn’t end with “happily ever after” and instead showed a realistic and attainable family life. I’m really happy this book is getting an audiobook format so I can share it with my kiddo’s grandparents!

[Katherine Bishop · Rating 1 out of 5]

This should be read as a memoir. Alternative title: One Parent’s Unilateral Choices That She Claims Work for Her as a Neurodivergent Person.

Unlimited screen time and doing as your child wants in all things (the book’s message) is not the right choice for most families (even if it gives the default parent time to write the book in your hand).

I had heard great things about this book, probably all from the author TBH.

There’s one (1) good point: what’s considered Good Parenting / Being a Good Human isn’t one size fits all, so use your own critical thinking skills to figure out the world rather than being dictated to about pro forma behavior.

[Stacy Egan · Rating 1 out of 5]

Listened to it as an audiobook and did not like the narration.

I also think this book is for entitled, privileged parents. Not everyone can release all demands financially, time wise, or space wise. We don’t all have the privilege of saying yes all the time. Telling a child they have 100% autonomy and can choose not to take a bath for weeks at a time? Or can eat nothing but chicken nuggets? That’s a hard no for me. Your job as a parent is to make healthy choices when they are not able to. I’m all for limited choices and reasonable, safe freedom but this went too far.

[Megan Bevers · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. I was disappointed by this book because I had heard so many good things about it. I agree with the author on her basis of dropping demands in interacting and communicating with your differently-wired kids. There are many demands throughout the day, and it is often overwhelming. Where can we drop demands that are unnecessary or not needed right now? What do we think we have to do that we can change?

However, she really lost me when she proposed no boundaries on screen time in an effort for them to self-regulate. I think screen time can be a great way for a kid to decompress after a long day, but my kid needs some boundaries around it. While the author said that all of her kids respond to these freedoms differently, I think that there needs to be some limits and tighter guidelines regarding screen time.

I was happy to see that she incorporated Declarative Language. I think this is a very helpful and practical piece that many families can easily implement. She also talked about radical self-acceptance which I think is important. Another topic that I appreciated that the author addressed was working through the "why" of a demand. Why is it important to the parent? And asking questions why this demand is necessary.

I can see this being a resource for families, but it would definitely not be the first thing I would recommend. And I would not recommend it without giving some caveats.

[Paige Beaudreault · Rating 1 out of 5]

“Low demand parenting” more like “not parenting.” The whole book is how you can’t tell your kids what to do because it puts too much stress on them. they preach unlimited screen time, no rules, kids being able to throw tantrums and hit people as a way of communication. I agree with some of the points, some kids need patience and less demands but they’re telling you to completely give up on things. Your kid doesn’t want to go to school today? He doesn’t have to. Your kid doesn’t want to go to speech therapy? Okay! Kids start sneaking stuff they shouldn’t have? Just give it to them! Kids need structure. Your whole goal of being a parents is to make a whole, well rounded adult. If you’re letting them eat whatever they want, scream at people as their way of communication, and skip school they will never learn how to actually act. You may be nice when they swear at you but people in the future WONT. Yes it will be harder for you, yes they will resist and fight, but they are kids, they can’t make these choices themselves. Parenting isn’t easy, especially kids on the spectrum, but you are taking the easy way out for yourself, not them. You’re not their friend, you are their parent, stop letting them take control of the house. She also talks about going behind her husbands back because he “wouldn’t support her right now” and how she would basically gentle parent her husband into believing it was okay even though when observing him its obviously killing him inside to see her full on neglecting the children. She would “listen and sympathize with him” but continue what she was doing and he would just watch. “the fastest way to get your partner on board with low demand parenting is for them to experience the freedom of a low demand partnership with you” basically, the best way to get him on board is to show him that not parenting is a ton of fun. Yes, parenting is hard and would be much easier for you if you gave up, but you owe it to your children to be better. She’s putting a name neglecting her kids to make her feel better for being able to do her own stuff instead of being with the kids. Just remember not to trust everything you read, this was written by just some woman, not a doctor, be careful who you trust to give you parenting skills.

[Kaitlyn Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some good takeaways in this book. The best one being releasing the shame associated with trying all the “expert” approaches that haven’t worked for your family. We’re all doing our best to support our differently wired kids and it’s okay to embrace a life that looks different than what you may have envisioned for yourself. We’re a work in progress here….

[Vanessa Wright · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has been incredibly helpful on my journey of parenting a child with PDA. I have been able to drop a few large demands that have helped our household tremendously. My #1 favorite takeaway was that meltdowns are panic attacks. I now recommend it to literally everyone I know, even if they don't have a PDA specific child. This book would be helpful for any neurodivergent family.

[Megan · Rating 1 out of 5]

What was this parenting advice. I’m so exhausted by rich white women nonsense.

[Christine Lepird · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick read that I finished in an afternoon. Overall, the book is well researched and well-written. While I don't think I'll implement the kind of parenting techniques the author uses, I appreciate her sharing them. I took off a star because this book places a heavy emphasis on how to parent when both parent and child are neurodivergent - an excellent resource for those who fall into that category, but I wish the title communicated that information more effectively.

[Sarah Pascual · Rating 2 out of 5]

I felt a bit tricked by this book — I thought it was general parenting guidance/philosophy based on the description but once I started it, I realized the book was specifically written for parents of children with autism who have a specific subtype (PDA). She’s also in the midst of the journey so I’m not quite sure she’s ready to write a book on it — this felt more like a lengthy blogpost rather than a guide. (That said, I’m sure it’s a lifesaver for those who are living this exact experience!)

[Rosanna McCarron · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very useful different perspective on parenting neurodiverse children. It could do with being a bit longer , giving more examples of real scenarios and how to deal with them, although the theory behind it is genius. Very helpful to me and reassuring that I am on the right track for my child and not to worry so much about what other people think.

[Monica · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some ideas resonated with me like stepping back to view what are all the demands asked of a child for even routine tasks. The sections on shame and screen time felt somewhat contradictory as the author details what works for her specific family and yet the tone is somewhat judgmental with assumptions about other families' choices.

[Andi · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful look at parenting without society's expectations or shame leading the way. Brilliant for neurodivergent parents and parents of neurodivergent kids. Highly recommended.

[Aurora Uhlman · Rating 4 out of 5]

She over explains a little but this is a MUST READ for parents of neurodivergent kiddos. I devoured it. Very practical and relatable. I love that she included two chapters on co-parenting.

[Heidi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn’t really learn anything I wasn’t aware of already, but would recommend this book to others in my child’s life to learn about PDA and why we parent the way we do.

[Kristin]

easy, personal, yet insightful read about Pathological Demand Avoidance autism sub-type. Also includes an interesting alternative approach for parents to the dreaded "screen time" problem

[Bethany · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is suuuuper great. I always get sad about parenting techniques I can’t do as a single parent and there are several in here but the overarching message remains the same and is super, super healing.

[Natalie Cichy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Loved the format of this book, the examples and the explanations but would have much rather had the author read as the reader seemed flat and not emotionally connected with the material.

[Taylor Ball · Rating 5 out of 5]

I follow Amanda Diekman on Instagram. I have read through her content, I follow along in her day in the life on Fridays. I had already been following a low demand(ish) lifestyle out of pure necessity and survival. Yet I gained so much value from this book. Amanda has thoughtfully poured her heart into this book, and, with complete transparency and vulnerability, shared how she came into low demand parenting. You will see exactly what that looks like for her family and learn the whys behind it. This book is part personal anecdote and part how-to (don’t worry if the thought of a how-to puts you off, Amanda has a gift for even speaking to her readers in a low demand way). Amanda has forged a path for you to discover how this approach can work for your family (and how it doesn’t have to look exactly like hers). If you are raising a child who doesn’t fit the mold, a square peg as Amanda puts it, please read this book. If you yourself are a square peg, please read this book. If you are tired, so tired, and your instincts are telling you that what you are currently doing isn’t working, it’s not sustainable, and there must be another way, please read this book. If you cannot relate to other parents, and you want to feel seen, finally seen, by someone who gets it, please read this book. I will be reading this again (and again). I cherish it like a dear friend. I hope Amanda continues sharing her writing.

[Little · Rating 1 out of 5]

I took notes, with page numbers, as I read. They are appended below.

16 My kids are doing their best, all the time. I am doing my best, all the time. Hard disagree. Sometimes I am overwhelmed or overstimulated and I act in ways my better self doesn't want. Those times, I am doing my best, despite falling short of my own expectations. Sometimes I know I'm being unreasonable, bitchy, unnecessarily mean, deliberately rude, or intentionally lazy. I make a choice to engage in behaviors that are not "my best." I am not doing my best, on purpose, because I have decided to do something else instead. It is absurd to think anyone is always one thing or the other. Nobody does their best all the time. That's nonsense.

17 radical acceptance. Yes, this is in line with Biblical theology. We don't have to "do our best" to be loved an accepted exactly as we are. We are beloved the way we are created. Radical acceptance of our children is a reflection of Our Father's radical love for them.

21 connection and trust are the core of good parenting. I also agree with this. We teach our children how to be in the world, and how to be the best version of themselves. To do that well, we have to deeply understand who our children are, and they have to believe that we are looking out for their real best interests.

32 healthy, firm boundaries. She keeps saying boundaries and then describing rules. "In control" of what? Of whom? Boundaries are around ourselves and our own behaviors. It's good to have firm boundaries, or else you end up being a punching bag, even if only unintentionally. A "firm rule" is telling another person what they can or cannot do, a "firm boundary" is telling another person what YOU will or will not do. Autonomy for everyone means you ALSO get autonomy, which includes boundaries like, "If you are screaming, I need to go in a different room" and "I will not pay for a Wi-Fi hotspot."

64 Meeting your own needs. Your child doesn't have to do anything differently. This is spectacular advice. To the extent possible, absolutely, figure out how to get your needs met in ways you can control. And you can't control other people.

68 House rules I do a lot of explicitly stating "house rules" so I agree with the concept of making your expectations explicit. A lot of my house rules aren't actually rules, but 4 of her "rules" aren't rules, either. And she's not internally consistent in this section. Her complaint about "we keep each other safe" being a demand makes me roll my eyes. "I won't let you hit another person" is a boundary, and a reasonable one at that. And yes, it contains the expectation that everyone deserves to be physically safe. But that's, again, a very reasonable expectation. And please, "Ask for help if you need it" is a demand, too. So why does she think that's a reasonable thing to say, but it's not reasonable to say "I won't let you hurt me or your siblings"?

82 The orchestra conductor metaphor she deploys stinks. Orchestra members don't choose what songs they play.

90 Not monitoring or controlling your children's screen content is like letting your toddler crawl around on the floor of a machine shop. It's only a matter of time before they "explore" something that will harm them. You can decide that they are allowed to have their screens as many hours a day as they want them, but absolutely what they do on those screens should be monitored and controlled. And all of this discussion of "as much screen time as they want" ignores powerful forces that are working to keep eyeballs attached to content endlessly. I have unintentionally wasted many evenings on digital content rabbit holes when I didn't really "choose" to spend those hours scrolling. I know my behavior was manipulated into that endless consumption cycle. True, shame would be a bad motivator to stop (all the psych research says so), but the endless scroll is not "helping heal" my exhaustion. It's praying on my exhaustion as vulnerability, to keep me searching for another dopamine hit.

99 If the kids throws a tablet and it breaks, and there doesn't have to be a meaningful life lesson. That's a lot of privilege. If my kid throws a tablet and it breaks, we can't afford a new one, so there's a natural consequence even if there doesn't need to be a lesson.

121 Low-demand partnering also looks like it requires a lot of privilege. 2 cars. Pay for the unlimited mobile wi-fi so the kids never have to stop their games. Hired staff to do the stuff you can't. Stay at home parent. You're not asking your spouse to do anything differently! You're just paying for the privilege of doing things the low-demand way you want to.

Ok, that's a lot of details. On a "big picture" level, my problem with Diekman's approach is that her children will never, ever be able to be independent adults. Yes, we should parent towards the liberation values we hold, and we should do what we can to shift the world to be more just and inclusive. However, at the same time, we also have to teach our kids to survive in the real world as it actually exists during this lifetime. We live in a capitalist society, and so adults have to have money. They can hold jobs, where their bosses will demand something. Or they can be entrepreneurs, where their clients will demand something. Or maybe they will be too disabled to do either of those things, in which case they'll have a caseworker who will demand something. There are demands in the real world, and so we can't prepare our kids for adulthood by just never, ever, ever making any demands of them.

There's also the detail that Diekman's oldest child, at the time of publishing this book, is only in early elementary school, and she's only been doing the low-demand approach she espouses in the book for about about a year. I suppose a lot of people are looking for an accessible book that tells them how to successfully and lovingly parent their PDA child. But I feel skeptical about extrapolating "this specific choice worked one year when my PDA child was 8" to "this specific choice is the right one for every single circumstance with a PDA child."

[James R. · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone that is familiar with PDA and low-demand parenting, I went into this book wary that it might be "preaching to the choir" to an extent and I might not gain much. However, I found it a really useful summary of the key aspects of this approach and the author's personal account of her experience was both reassuring and enlightening. Despite having read about this subject elsewhere, I still found plenty of new ideas and different ways of considering low-demand parenting, particularly around the idea of "Fake dropping demands" and how to care for yourself as a parent when using this style of parenting. The section on screen time was useful too as it helps to reassure that removing boundaries in this area isn't giving in and is a valid approach to support children who benefit from a low-demand way of being cared for. I can imagine some people may find some of the ideas contained in the book radical or extreme, particularly if you subscribe to a different approach to parenting but having already tried and experienced success with this method I enjoyed finding out more about someone else's experience.

[Tori · Rating 2 out of 5]

That started off sooo strong and I related so much to the authors situation. But then it devolved into s pretty extreme approach to dropping demands. I think for families with children with severe ASD there is value in this book. But for me, just letting my kid have unlimited time on screens, not having them do skills that make them independent like getting their shoes on etc really just doesn’t feel like parenting anymore. There is a level of nuance that is missing here

[Jenn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I admire the author’s willingness to share her parenting journey and care for her children. I could see how this approach could help a child regulate (by sparing energy) and control their environment, but it did not address how her kids or any kids with neurodivergent traits remain connected to peers (beyond online video games) and do not become isolated. Also, this writing did not address the inherent privilege race and class play in a parent’s ability to lower the demand. Nor did it talk at all about the costs/cons of this approach as a child ages, or the risks of a lot of screen time or poor nutrition. There was a lot missed though the good intention of supporting parents kept going through much of the book.

[Sunita · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book offers excellent support and resources for parents of “uniquely wired” kids. But honestly, I think all parents could benefit from thinking about where and how we place demands on our children (and each other). It could be transformative.

[Stephanie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh, I thought this was going to be low-demand on the parents. It’s low-demand on the kids, which basically means you don’t ask your kids to turn off the tv or put their own shoes on. Not super helpful.

[Maggie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m not a parent, and probably never will be, but low-demand parenting is something that can be applied to and practiced in all types relationships. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

[Kristina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I haven’t decided how I feel about this book. It is so radically different from any other parenting approach I’ve read about or tried. And a lot of it felt really refreshing and relatable, but other parts felt so foreign and the opposite of my entire personality. Which is possibly the point. If my hyper-controlling, over-structured, micro-managing methods aren’t working, maybe I need to try something radically different. But more likely, I need to take what I can from the book and meet somewhere in the middle.

I love the way she explained the “demand-expectation-need” layers that are present in almost every interaction. There are the explicit demands we make of our kids all throughout the day (e.g. get dressed, no your nice clothes, put your shoes on, yes you have to wear socks, no not those socks, grab a jacket, get in the car, hurry up, sit still, be quiet, etc) but beneath every demand there is an underlying expectation, often subconsciously, that goes along with it (e.g. my kids will be nicely dressed, and not late, and not distracting because that’s what “good kids” do and that’s what “good moms” teach). And beneath those expectations are the adult needs driving those expectations and demands, almost always subconsciously. (E.g. I want to feel accepted so I need to do what the ‘other moms’ do, I want validation and praise from others to show that I am worthy, etc)

She gives many examples of going deeper with your why, why does this demand matter to me? Does it actually matter? Why am I pushing this demand? Do I need to? What need am I trying to fulfill right now? Is there another way to get my deeper need met without this exact demand of my child right now? Get creative with alternatives that work for you and your child to have your deeper need met, while not making that specific demand (e.g. that they wear clean, matching socks, pulled from a neatly folded drawer, put on by themselves in exactly the right amount of time, just to run to the store for five minutes.) Her examples of demands/expectations/needs and alternative solutions were so helpful to get me thinking in that mindset. I have a LOT of unnecessary demands that matter only to me because “that’s the way we do it in this family” which only stress me AND the kids out when there are a hundred other ways it can be done. As I was reading, I thought of so many demands I can drop which will help alleviate the demand-fatigue my kids go through.

I also loved her discussion of fake-dropping vs real-dropping demands. Fake-dropping is when you no longer make that explicit demand, but still keep that expectation, which only deepens resentment and division between you and the kids. (E.g. if I no longer ask my kids to wear matching socks, but still EXPECT them to because I still BELIEVE that matching socks is necessary and superior, then I will just be upset when they don’t. And they will see that disappointment/frustration which further divides us.) I fake drop all. the. time!

On the other hand, real-dropping the demand is doing the deep work of if that demand matters, and deciding it doesn’t and LETTING IT GO. For reals. Without holding onto an arbitrary auto-pilot rule you’ve made for your family that came from previous generations or society or your own brain at a previous phase. Once you decide it doesn’t matter, and let it go both you and kid have more freedom and less demand-fatigue.

“Fake-dropping demands is when you drop the immediate demand but do not process the expectation or adult need beneath it. You drop the demand but not the underlying belief that it matters and that your child should be doing it.”

She lost me towards the end when it felt 100% child-led and too permissive for positive outcomes. But I am not the intended audience, I don’t have neurodiverse kids. I just have the regular parent/child power struggles, so I don’t know what it’s like. I do know that a happy loving home is a better alternative to the current power struggle stalemates we often have here, so I can take the principles that work for my family and move on.

Overall I loved reading her story and her path forward, and thought it was a helpful addition to the parenting strategies out there.