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The Truth About Rape
Vulnerable. Fragile. Naked. The email sent to me by one of my readers related how the photo on the cover of my book so profoundly portrayed what she was feeling; but that was only half the story. In her email, she told me how she was ready to end the pain and loneliness of her sexual assault that she'd worked so hard to recover from, the only way she knew how. She just didn't see any other way out ... until she noticed my book cover. On it is the photo of a woman appearing vulnerable, fragile, and naked. But to this young woman, “appearing” was the operative word. This photo suggested more. To her, it represented the possibility of a rebirth, an opportunity to start over. To begin again. This photo represented the possibility that perhaps she didn't have to think about her sexual assault the same way. It was, after all, a moment in time, just as the photo was. Perhaps she could change her perception of the woman in the photo, she thought, and in turn her own assault. She could imagine the woman becoming stronger, rising up, becoming a more confident, more empowered version of herself. She felt for the first time since her assault that she had a choice. One more effort at recovery, she promised herself. One more, and that was it. She wrote to me having finished the book to tell me that she'd gotten what she needed, and more. And finally had a plan for her recovery. She'd followed me through my own therapy for sexual assault as if she was a fly on the wall. She read over and over, and even highlighted, parts of the second section. In it, I address common recovery questions both from a clinical view (I'm a licensed therapist) and also include other victim's perspectives. And she didn't go through with the very graphic details of ending her pain that she related in her email to me. You'll notice there are varying opinions about the photo on my cover below. But know The fact that one woman is alive and on her way to her own recovery means more to me than those who would deny another person's recovery over something as innocuous as a cover photo. To deny a victim of sexual assault an opportunity for recovery is irresponsible at best. Clearly, for this woman, the photo was the difference between life and death and for that I'm grateful.
- GenresNonfictionSelf Help
350 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 21, 2002
5 people are currently reading
42 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
September 3, 2024
Read this for work and for personal healing and I feel so seen. Can’t give it five stars because it’s too heteronormative for me.
May 30, 2017
If you want to judge whether you should read this book or not, then take a long look at the cover and decide if it resonates with you. If you’ve no idea what it means then stay away. (Unless someone who is close to you has been raped and you’re struggling to understand what they’re going through, then this book is also for you). I note that in the US, some of the reviews on Amazon complain about the book cover, but personally I think it speaks volumes though I understand it might have a distressing 'trigger' effect on some women who have gone through trauma.
Be prepared for the fact that the first part of the book is a personal testimony by the author of the horrific trauma that she was put through as a young nineteen year old, with detailed notes from her diary as she goes through counselling many years later. The latter part of the book is a clearly set out question and answer guide dealing with such questions as have I been raped? What constitutes rape? What are the symptoms of PTSD? Who can help me? etc, so I guess you could start there if you feel too fragile to hear about someone else’s pain.
And ‘pain’ is too minor a word for it. The author herself was subjected to a horrific 14 hour ordeal, held captive, and tortured in the most extreme and appallingly sadistic way possible (short of what happens in war), and if she hadn’t managed to escape she certainly would have died. During the three hours it took me to read through it, I could barely breathe. And like most rape victims she put the blame on herself, trying to reason that she must have caused it - by what she was wearing or from some innate badness. Human beings seem to need a certain level of predictability in life – they need to be able to control their environment to feel safe – they need to feel there is a reason for something, because if they can work out the reason for it, they can do something about it – affect the outcome. It is hard for a victim of rape to cope with the fact that they were picked at random from the street just because they happened to be there at the wrong moment. Perverse though it seems, if they can find some reason for being in receipt of the abuse based in their own behaviour then they feel they have more power to stop it ever happening again. But for the author, who had managed to stuff it all down for years, another random event cracked open all her defences. She was violently raped AGAIN. And it was completely random AGAIN. By a complete stranger IN HER OWN HOME while her husband was at work. I remember as a child, the most terrifying thing I ever saw was a vampire movie where the young woman, lying in her own marital bed, tries to shake her young husband awake to save her from the vampire that has just flown in, and the husband is in ‘magical’ sleep engendered by the vampire and won’t wake and the vampire gets her. That’s like how this must feel. How can you ever feel safe again? None of the ‘precautions’ you’ve been taken ever since the rape (like making yourself fat and trying to never to look too attractive, and not going out alone etc) have worked. All those carefully built walls are bust open and as the psyche tries to regain some control over its environment, it resorts to agoraphobia, obsessive compulsive checking, terrible nightmares, flashbacks, and extreme anxiety. PTSD symptoms. That’s when the author, already in the middle of doing a degree in counselling, knew she needed to seek professional help for herself. You probably need to know, before you start this book, that after three years of counselling and a lot of painful emotional work, she now feels completely healed and has dedicated her life to helping other victims of rape and abuse to come into a place of healing. She even promises to reply in person if you email her, so you won’t feel so alone as you read her book. Now that’s a big commitment. That’s someone really dedicated to doing for someone else, what wasn’t done for her earlier in her life. So I reckon you’re safe to try reading through this book if you feel you need to.
Be prepared for the fact that the first part of the book is a personal testimony by the author of the horrific trauma that she was put through as a young nineteen year old, with detailed notes from her diary as she goes through counselling many years later. The latter part of the book is a clearly set out question and answer guide dealing with such questions as have I been raped? What constitutes rape? What are the symptoms of PTSD? Who can help me? etc, so I guess you could start there if you feel too fragile to hear about someone else’s pain.
And ‘pain’ is too minor a word for it. The author herself was subjected to a horrific 14 hour ordeal, held captive, and tortured in the most extreme and appallingly sadistic way possible (short of what happens in war), and if she hadn’t managed to escape she certainly would have died. During the three hours it took me to read through it, I could barely breathe. And like most rape victims she put the blame on herself, trying to reason that she must have caused it - by what she was wearing or from some innate badness. Human beings seem to need a certain level of predictability in life – they need to be able to control their environment to feel safe – they need to feel there is a reason for something, because if they can work out the reason for it, they can do something about it – affect the outcome. It is hard for a victim of rape to cope with the fact that they were picked at random from the street just because they happened to be there at the wrong moment. Perverse though it seems, if they can find some reason for being in receipt of the abuse based in their own behaviour then they feel they have more power to stop it ever happening again. But for the author, who had managed to stuff it all down for years, another random event cracked open all her defences. She was violently raped AGAIN. And it was completely random AGAIN. By a complete stranger IN HER OWN HOME while her husband was at work. I remember as a child, the most terrifying thing I ever saw was a vampire movie where the young woman, lying in her own marital bed, tries to shake her young husband awake to save her from the vampire that has just flown in, and the husband is in ‘magical’ sleep engendered by the vampire and won’t wake and the vampire gets her. That’s like how this must feel. How can you ever feel safe again? None of the ‘precautions’ you’ve been taken ever since the rape (like making yourself fat and trying to never to look too attractive, and not going out alone etc) have worked. All those carefully built walls are bust open and as the psyche tries to regain some control over its environment, it resorts to agoraphobia, obsessive compulsive checking, terrible nightmares, flashbacks, and extreme anxiety. PTSD symptoms. That’s when the author, already in the middle of doing a degree in counselling, knew she needed to seek professional help for herself. You probably need to know, before you start this book, that after three years of counselling and a lot of painful emotional work, she now feels completely healed and has dedicated her life to helping other victims of rape and abuse to come into a place of healing. She even promises to reply in person if you email her, so you won’t feel so alone as you read her book. Now that’s a big commitment. That’s someone really dedicated to doing for someone else, what wasn’t done for her earlier in her life. So I reckon you’re safe to try reading through this book if you feel you need to.
December 24, 2024
I appreciate a lot that the author has to offer & brought amazing advice forward that I will use in the future.
Unfortunately this book does not acknowledge male victims or female rapists; only focusing on the common female victim & male rapist without admitting that men can be taken advantage of or that women could be perpetrators too. As a rape victim (who happens to be a man), this book sometimes gives backhanded comments or sentences that remind me of those arguments that "men cannot be raped" or "women are the only ones who suffer from this, no one else understands this but women". I struggled to read through some of the sections as it felt like I did not count as a victim solely because of who I am and that my experiences are not valid.
Books like these are necessary and I am glad it was made & I have a copy, but inclusive language would have gone a long way.
Unfortunately this book does not acknowledge male victims or female rapists; only focusing on the common female victim & male rapist without admitting that men can be taken advantage of or that women could be perpetrators too. As a rape victim (who happens to be a man), this book sometimes gives backhanded comments or sentences that remind me of those arguments that "men cannot be raped" or "women are the only ones who suffer from this, no one else understands this but women". I struggled to read through some of the sections as it felt like I did not count as a victim solely because of who I am and that my experiences are not valid.
Books like these are necessary and I am glad it was made & I have a copy, but inclusive language would have gone a long way.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews