Date...or Soul Mate? How To Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing In Two Dates Or Less

by Neil Clark Warren

This book will guide you step-by-step toward a more fulfilling and enjoyable dating life.

Genres: Relationships, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Communication, Spirituality, Sociology

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2002

About the author

Neil Clark Warren is an American clinical psychologist, Christian theologian, seminary professor and co-founder of the online relationship sites eHarmony and Compatible Partners.
In 1995, Warren and his son-in-law, Greg Forgatch, created Neil Clark Warren & Associates, a company which offers seminars and teaching tools based on Warren's books. In early 2000, they established eHarmony, an online compatibility matching service which gained two million users in its first three years. After retiring in 2007, Warren came out of retirement in July 2012, returning as the chief executive of eHarmony.

Reviews

[Sheri · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would recommend this book to anyone struggling to find Mr. or Ms. Right as it demystifies dating and helps you learn how to determine if someone is a good match.

Dr. Warren emphasizes the importance of knowing and understanding yourself first in order to determine what you are looking for in a mate. He then has you determine your 10 “must-have” and 10 “can’t-stand” qualities of a potential mate. After that you can evaluate how your date matches up with your “must-have” and “can’t-stand” lists.

Throughout the book, Dr. Warren gives a lot of helpful advice that is often forgotten or overlooked in the excitement of meeting someone new and intriguing. His methodology brings you back to the core purpose of dating – to find someone whose personality, lifestyle, and ambitions mesh with your own.

It all sounds pretty simple, but it’s not so easy to really narrow it down and figure it out more than just generally. This book makes you think and consider and reconsider. But in the end, you’ll become a wiser, more perceptive, and proficient dater that can tell relatively quickly whether a potential partner is worth your time, energy, and caring.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Go ahead and make fun of me now for reading and listing this book.

Okay, now that your mockery is complete, let me be direct.

I wish I had read this book when I was 22, instead of when I was 32. I think EVERY unmarried person should read this book. I am a MUCH wiser and more realistic dater after having read it.

If you know any unmarried people who are searching for their spouses, buy this book for them. They will thank you.

[Erica Klunder · Rating 5 out of 5]

Becca Gordon gave me this book and I devoured it in two days. This was an extremely practical and helpful book. Many of my people know I have been making a tremendous effort in the last 6 months to date and this book gave me a lot to think about and work through. There are practical writing prompts I still need to sit and work through, but I thoroughly enjoyed this book.

[Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've read several dating books, and, after a while, they overlap, appearing too similar. Most of them give pep talks and have their little strategies for making fine impressions on others.
But, what's the point of all the above if you're meeting people who are not personality matches for you? Or, what if you're blinded by outside appearances yet don't really know what suits you best for a long term relationship?

So, while I don't know if Warren's book is a panacea, he sets up some new and refreshing ideas on how to match personalities.
I took the test at eharmony, which was free, and it gave me some insights into my personality, as well as personalities which are best suited for me in dating.

How much is that worth to me? Well, enough to put in some time to buy the book and read it. If it's going to save me some time and help me find the right person, rather than be with someone not so great, I'm willing to put up a little money.

[Connor Whitlock · Rating 4 out of 5]

Book was highly recommended to me by a friend. Kind of funny to have even read it, but it actually gave very helpful perspective and has changed my approach to dating

[Karen Germain · Rating 4 out of 5]

My good friend Fanny recommended the Neil Clark Warren (founder of eharmony) book “Date of Soul Mate.” I’ve never done eharmony and at this point, not planning to, but the book had a few sections that she wanted me to read. The book had been helpful to her, especially the section on creating a list of the top ten must haves/can’t stands in a potential partner. Over the years, I have fallen into the trap of meeting lots of very nice guys, who have not met my needs and it probably was because I had no idea what I even wanted. I also overlooked issues that were fundamental because I liked other qualities in the men that I was dating. This has lead to lots of good times, but nothing that has lasted. I don’t know how helpful this list will ultimately become, but it has helped me realize some trouble spots in previous relationships and hopefully will be a guide in the future. It’s a bit imperfect, probably could use some tweaking, but after a great deal of thought, here is the list, with verbage taken from the book, not my own.



Must Have

1.Communicator – I must have someone who is good at both talking and listening.

2.Sense of Humor- I must have someone who is sharp and who can enjoy the humorous side of life.

3.Verbal Intimacy – I must know that my partner likes sharing his deepest emotional thoughts and desires.

4.Strong Character- I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.

5.Kind – I must have a partner who is gentle and kind.

6.Patient- I must have someone who can handle life’s frustrations or momentary setbacks with a patient, steady demeanor.

7.Conflict Resolver- I must have a partner who will work to resolve rather than win arguments or conflicts in our relationship.

8.Exciting – I must have a partner who isn’t afraid to take a risk and who sees life as an adventure.

9.Emotionally Healthy – I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy and able to share a stable life with someone.

10.Adaptable- I must have a partner who is able to adapt to life’s surprises.



Can’t Stands

1.Cynical- I can’t stand someone who generally sees the world from a cynical perspective

2.Angry- I can’t stand someone who can’t manage their own anger, who yells or bottles it up inside.

3.Denying- I can’t stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault is his own actions.

4.Worrying- I can’t stand someone who easily looses perspective and constantly worries.

5.Hypocrites – I can’t stand someone who holds a double standard for his actions and those of other people.

6.Victim Mentality- I can’t stand someone who continually sees himself as a victim.

7.Childish- I can’t stand someone who is not emotionally mature.

8.Judgmental- I can’t stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.

9.Undependable- I can’t stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.

10.Arrogant- I can’t stand someone who is obnoxiously cocky.



I thought that this little exercise was the most value that the book had to offer, although I think that perhaps making a list is easier than it actually is to find a person who meets these qualities!

The other point that I thought was well made in the book was focusing on finding a person who is generally more similar to you, rather than the whole opposites attract.



I also want to add that I had a lot of bias that I had to set aside going into this book, especially with Warren constantly touting himself as a psychologist. Having him calling himself an “expert” due to being a psychologist made me put my radar up the entire book. I am highly suspicious of psychologists, but that being said, I think that Warren offered some solid advice and portions of this book are worth a read. I’m glad that my friend recommended this book.



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[Jaclyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am trying to take a different approach to dating this time around, and this book really helped me in that regard. I borrowed it from the library, and unfortunately there was someone else who had requested it, so I had to get through it pretty quickly. I wish I could have kept it a little longer so that I could actually refer back to it (maybe I'll give in and go buy a copy). Since I had it only a short time, the main thing I took away from it was the importance of being clear on your Must Haves and Can't Stands. I think it's a great idea for those who are dating but really want to find "the one" to figure out what their's are, and to really be firm about them. This book gives you an idea of some of the more common ones, and helps you think through what matters most to you. I definitely recommend this book. It's a fast read, but more than that it actually has some helpful advice and insights.

[Noah Meyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel like I have a good idea about how to date, what to look for, and what to watch out for. But, Dr. Warren, a clinical psychologist and tenured relationship counselor, almost describes a formula for finding a person you will fit together with well for the rest of your life. I found that this book will keep me in check whether I'm crazy about a girl, or doubtful. Emotions come and go. To get married or not to get married solely based on emotional feelings toward someone can turn into a disaster or a fantastic, but lost opportunity. Marriage is one of the most serious decisions made in life. So, knowing how to get it right should be sought after whole-heartedly and this book gives practical guidelines for finding your soulmate.

Know yourself
Know your Must-Haves and Can't Stands
Know the warning signs of unhealthy people
Know what questions to ask while you date
Know what 'league' you're in
Know which qualities stand the test of time and which fade in a few short years

[Lo · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is highly accessible and well-thought out. I liked the inclusion of specific guidelines backed up by extensive research rather than general ideas and advice. It's refreshing to find a book with relationship advice that does not neglect the importance of spiritual harmony in mates without being written exclusively for one religion. Some reviewers complain about the author plugging in eharmony.com too much, but this is present only in the introduction and appendix. This subject is very important to the author and he comes across as sincerely wanting to help people find their ideal mate.

[Catherine Flynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great bang for my buck! What a wonderful read to start off my year 2020. What I like about this book is, it doesn't criticize, but to give you knowledge. It is informative that focuses more of knowing yourself and also giving some lists and examples to identify yourself knowing what you likes and dislikes, wants and needs, giving ideas to learn and know yourself first before searching for a partner. A marvelous book that is for keeps and also a great book to pass on to a friend or anyone we care who's still in search about themselves and longing to search for their lifetime partners. A must book for every single person guiding them to find right one.

[Marsha · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this book up as a joke for a friend, but after thumbing through it, I decided to read a few chapters. I quickly became engrossed and couldn't put the book down until I head read it in its entirety. I recommend this book to anyone looking for a long-term relationship. This book helps you define what it is that you're actually looking for in a relationship. I wish I had read this book before I got married because after finishing it, I realized I had more in common with my dog than with the man I married.

[Erika · Rating 4 out of 5]

A surprisingly good read for any singles out there. I was impressed by Warren's insight as well as the dignified manner in which he wrote. I am certainly going to be using his suggestions in the future, which I have found to be very helpful. The only thing I felt this book lacked is help in how to meet people. It was great in coaching for how to decide about who to date, just not how to get the date. :)

[Lawrence · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is THE book I would have wrote concerning dating/courting. It basically asks you to examine yourself and narrow down who you are and who you believe you'll be compatible with. It sounds unromantic but if you've spent years leaving your fate to the stars without success, I think this book may identify why that is.

[Katrina Schurter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Informative as a book can get for life. I actually use the 10 can't stand/must haves list for clients in my counseling practice who are struggling in this area. Also tell them about the book and how the author was the co-founder of eharmony.com and how they did decades of research that is used for the site and this book. I used it to find my husband at 30 and am happily married now!!!

[Sayem Yousaf · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simple and really helpful. Neil has laid down the complete flowchart for the reader, to how to get to know yourself first then to find your soul mate and have a beautiful life ahead.
It's a really helpful book for all the people who haven't found their soulmates yet. Or even for the one's who already have, but are facing problems with them.
This book would help you deal very well with them!

[Michele · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay, yes, this is the eHarmony guy and yes, that's a really cheesy subject, BUT this book had the greatest tip ever - write down the 10 things you're looking for and the 10 things you won't accept in a mate and don't settle for less. They should teach a mandatory course on this shit in college.

[Ximena Molina · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book that helps you understand yourself better to be able to recognize the personality traits that would make you happier. Is a must have if you are looking for a stable long-term relationship or just getting to know yourself better on that arena. Really good insight.

[Kirstie · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are single and want to find love of your life effeciently... read this.

[Jacquie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book to help some of my friends who are trying to decide if the guy they are dating is "the one". I found it to be very interesting and I would highly recommend it!

[Nora · Rating 3 out of 5]

Allows you to examine facets about yourself you never might have thought about before

[Parker Robb · Rating 5 out of 5]

The most practical dating book I have ever read by far.

[Rev Ricky · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book fascinating. Neil Clark Warren, the founder of Eharmony, is arguably the world's foremost expert on marriage and what makes relationships work. Essentially, he has two points. First, to be in a good marriage you must have a healthy relationship with yourself, that is you must know yourself and be healing from any emotional trauma. Second, you need to be with someone who is compatible. No couple is perfectly compatible, but some are more compatible than others.

What makes this book important is that he not only says these things, but he actually gives healthy advice on how to achieve them. He gives you 20 questions that you need to go and answer about yourself before you seek a relationship. He gives you the categories of compatibility, that frankly are non-negotiable unless you want to be fighting continually. Finally, he tells you the characteristics that are deal breakers.

I think this book is important, especially for campus ministers and college pastors. You need a book to help you when asked: "are we a good couple?" You need a grid to answer that question with. You need a book to give dating couples before you give them the meaning of marriage. While it certainly looks and at times sounds cheesy, this book is the best I have found.

[missheliophilia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I do buy the author’s view that “a bad marriage is worse than no marriage at all” and thus it is crucial to know what ten qualities your future significant other should own and ten traits that are your big no-no. Just like Dr Warren says in the book, “marriage doesn’t just happen! It takes a solid set of decisions, a huge amount of skills and enormous willpower.” This book does help readers how to list that 10-qualities-list to aid you to determine if the guy you are seeing is worth more than two dates.

The way I see it is that the earlier you read this book, the lesser the chance you kiss the wrong frog. If I were lucky enough to have kids in life, I would get them to read this book after high school graduation.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would recommend this book to anyone, of any age or generation, who is considering dating or marriage. It may sound cheesy, but I think the strategies outlined here of knowing yourself well, knowing what you want in a partner, and how to discover whether someone is a potential fit or not are timeless and beneficial to anyone seeking a life partner.

[Margaux St. Clare · Rating 5 out of 5]

So smart, so practical. I will most definitely be applying Warren's principles for wise dating! Highly recommend to anyone looking for marriage and not wanting to waste time with someone who isn't suitably matched to them.

[Mollie Book · Rating 4 out of 5]

I definitely judged this book by its cover! Tremendously helpful journaling exercises I'd recommend to anyone, single or not.

[Ck Knight · Rating 2 out of 5]

exactly the same questions that eharmony uses

[Ariel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't dislike this book, but I wasn't blown away by it either.Dr. Warren uses basic dating and relationship principles to stress matching with others who are nearly identical to you. He firmly believes our ideal soulmates are basically the same person as ourselves, just the opposite gender.

I don't agree with this. While I feel our soulmates, and mine specifically, do have a lot in common with us/myself, we aren't 100% identical. We have differences. We disagree on things. That's what makes us human, and that's what makes us perfect for each other. We balance out each other's flaws.

I'm not saying this book isn't worth it; it's a great book on finding what you truly want in a partner and how to find that person. But don't expect to agree with everything in this book; we all have our own opinions on relationships.

[Tiffani · Rating 4 out of 5]

So... this book was more targeted for adults, but I like to read books before people consider me "in age" for it. And I have to say, this book didn't really start interesting me until halfway through, but I enjoyed it so much more than the other relationship books in a lot of regards. Unlike books where religion is the only focus (like, don't be interested in a guy or girl who is not a Christian like you or something like that), this book focuses on the more practical everyday things like "does this person make eye contact with me when I'm speaking" or "does this person share my love for shopping." No other book has really taken a deep approach with that! So, not the BEST relationship book out there, but definitely one of the better ones :D!

[Rosemary]

Bought this book for me and a friend when I found 2 copies at a thrift store. NOT bc we are looking for marriage.. Been there done that and have the t-shirt thanks! But bc it was 50 cents. So WTH, and bc a way of weeding out the ones who turn into asses would be helpful.
Skimmed thru it.. Seems interesting so far.. And the "self-questions" and stuff looks interesting, and applicable to more than just dating.. But to life in general.. And to those of us looking to find ourselves.

More important things to worry about than dating at this point... More important than even finding myself at this point. Don't need anything deep to think about.. But will def come back to this after I complete a current project.