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You Don't Really Know Me: Why Mothers and Daughters Fight and How Both Can Win by Apter, Terri(August 17, 2005) Paperback
What do teenage girls really want from their mothers? British Psychologist Terri Apter offers uncommon wisdom about the "tricky equation" between a daughter's identity and that of her mother. Challenging the idea that girls want to reject dear old mom, Apter suggests that most battles between mothers and daughters are fought to transform the relationship rather than trash it. Arguments become a daughter's way of asking two essential "How can I get my mother to see me the way I am or the way I want to be?" and "How can I keep this important relationship up-to-date and useful to me?" By focusing on how daughters can remain attached to their mothers as they grow, each chapter underlines conflict as means for a daughter to define herself. Apter avoids generalities and targets smart specifics with examples, strategies and sample conversations. She offers an anatomy of a mother-daughter meltdown, nails four patterns of teen lying, and offers guidelines for dialogue about rules and risk assessment. She explains how to navigate food fights, discouraging words, harsh hyperbole ("you are ruining my life!") and the "I know that already" sex talk. Battle fatigued mothers--and the daughters who want to love them without leaving them--will welcome Apter's hopeful, insightful approach. --Barbara Mackoff
- GenresNonfiction
Unknown Binding
First published March 1, 2004
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
October 24, 2017
Every mother reads this kind of book in the hopes of getting answers and tips and this book delivers. There are many examples to draw from that come from mother/daughter pairs that work and some that don't. It gives helpful insight into what is going on within the mind and body of a teenager and reminds mothers that we were all there at one point.
Share that you know how confusing this time is for your girls and let them grow up. Don't be afraid to see them as equals and respect their decisions...good or bad.
I feel the book could have been filled out a little more in the short sections where Terri Apter gives tips for how to proceed at the end of each chapter. They are vague and hard to put into context. Other than that, I'd recommend this book to others with growing girls.
Share that you know how confusing this time is for your girls and let them grow up. Don't be afraid to see them as equals and respect their decisions...good or bad.
I feel the book could have been filled out a little more in the short sections where Terri Apter gives tips for how to proceed at the end of each chapter. They are vague and hard to put into context. Other than that, I'd recommend this book to others with growing girls.
January 31, 2013
Spurred by what is probably typically teen-raising angst, I've been investigating a range of parenting/psychology books related primarily to teen girls. Apter gives an interesting, and insightful, look at the mother-daughter relationship through the lens of quarreling and conflict.
She posits, and rightly I think, that common thinking on the stressful relationship between a teen girl and her mother (grounded in the daughter pulling away to "create a new self" that is "detached" or "separate" from the mother) is all wrong. Rather, this conflict is a way that a girl learns to negotiate a bigger world in a safe context, understand and discover herself using her mother as a mirror, or maybe anti-mirror (I'm nothing like you!), and is actually an opportunity to deepen and strengthen the bond between them.
I fight with my daughter quite a bit. Always have, I guess. But much of that fighting has been grounded in a belief that it's not really negative, that it shows that my daughter can be open with me, talk to me, confront me. That she feels she can have a voice in the face of my expectations and authority.
Even with that belief, some fights are worse than others, some fights, less understandable. And as she grows older (almost 15 now), those fights are taking on a new level of profundity and seriousness.
Apter offers significant insight, often in the form of anecdotal self-reports from girls and their mothers on the two sides of one incident, into the meanings behind word choice, body language, types of quarrels, etc.
A cry of "You don't know me!" may be an effort, not to pull away, but a plea for the mother to really SEE and acknowledge (and praise) who her daughter is becoming. A mother's effort to keep her calm in the face of a brewing argument might lead the teen to believe her mother doesn't care enough about her to engage with.
She notes that being shouted at triggers a cascade of primitive responses centered around a fear of physical danger.
She reminds us that sometimes the teen who seems the most even-keeled may be hiding the most - either out of fear, a desire to "protect" a vulnerable parent (i.e., ill, depressed), or a belief that the parent just doesn't care.
Apter offers suggestions and techniques to improve the quality of these mother/daughter conflicts, as contradictory as that sounds, to make them opportunities for growth and connection. Of course, patience and listening top that list. But listening is a lot easier when you know your teen might be trying to tell you something important, and patience is easier when you understand more fully what they might be going through or trying to accomplish.
Parts were repetitive. I skimmed a good bit of it. But there were very few things I outright disagreed with, and overall, I'm glad that I read it.
Next up will be a review of Embracing Persephone, which offers a broader and perhaps more thoughtful look into a young woman's transition to adulthood, and how mothers can honor that journey and continue to connect with their daughters.
She posits, and rightly I think, that common thinking on the stressful relationship between a teen girl and her mother (grounded in the daughter pulling away to "create a new self" that is "detached" or "separate" from the mother) is all wrong. Rather, this conflict is a way that a girl learns to negotiate a bigger world in a safe context, understand and discover herself using her mother as a mirror, or maybe anti-mirror (I'm nothing like you!), and is actually an opportunity to deepen and strengthen the bond between them.
I fight with my daughter quite a bit. Always have, I guess. But much of that fighting has been grounded in a belief that it's not really negative, that it shows that my daughter can be open with me, talk to me, confront me. That she feels she can have a voice in the face of my expectations and authority.
Even with that belief, some fights are worse than others, some fights, less understandable. And as she grows older (almost 15 now), those fights are taking on a new level of profundity and seriousness.
Apter offers significant insight, often in the form of anecdotal self-reports from girls and their mothers on the two sides of one incident, into the meanings behind word choice, body language, types of quarrels, etc.
A cry of "You don't know me!" may be an effort, not to pull away, but a plea for the mother to really SEE and acknowledge (and praise) who her daughter is becoming. A mother's effort to keep her calm in the face of a brewing argument might lead the teen to believe her mother doesn't care enough about her to engage with.
She notes that being shouted at triggers a cascade of primitive responses centered around a fear of physical danger.
She reminds us that sometimes the teen who seems the most even-keeled may be hiding the most - either out of fear, a desire to "protect" a vulnerable parent (i.e., ill, depressed), or a belief that the parent just doesn't care.
Apter offers suggestions and techniques to improve the quality of these mother/daughter conflicts, as contradictory as that sounds, to make them opportunities for growth and connection. Of course, patience and listening top that list. But listening is a lot easier when you know your teen might be trying to tell you something important, and patience is easier when you understand more fully what they might be going through or trying to accomplish.
Parts were repetitive. I skimmed a good bit of it. But there were very few things I outright disagreed with, and overall, I'm glad that I read it.
Next up will be a review of Embracing Persephone, which offers a broader and perhaps more thoughtful look into a young woman's transition to adulthood, and how mothers can honor that journey and continue to connect with their daughters.
April 27, 2012
This is helpful in getting out of the power struggle between mothers and daughters. There comes a time when as a mother you feel like you are speaking a different language than the daughter you once knew. And that is why; when they start to separate there is a need to be seen and understood in a new way, as separate from their mothers, and it can feel alienating. Terri Apter does such a good job in explaining the process of separation, which as a mother takes you back to a time when you, too, felt that way. She describes teenage irritability, and how to improve the choreography of the dance between mothers and daughters. This book gets a big sigh of relief.
August 7, 2016
Although this book wasn't amazing, I learned some interesting information that has been of some help with understanding my sweet teen daughter & how to interact with her better.
It was a pretty fast read and I was able to skim some. Some things I didn't agree with, but again, I took away some helpful information and so I'm still glad I read it.
It was a pretty fast read and I was able to skim some. Some things I didn't agree with, but again, I took away some helpful information and so I'm still glad I read it.
December 16, 2019
Great book
I really appreciated this book. As a mother of 3 daughters, I do worry about their adolescent years and how can we remain close through such a transformative time. I wish the book gave more solutions but what the author did share was interesting. I’m grateful the book exists and appreciated the multiple perspectives.
I really appreciated this book. As a mother of 3 daughters, I do worry about their adolescent years and how can we remain close through such a transformative time. I wish the book gave more solutions but what the author did share was interesting. I’m grateful the book exists and appreciated the multiple perspectives.
finish-later
August 4, 2012read from page 69
Read
August 11, 2018I found some great info in this book
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews