UMP: A Dark Comedy

by James Cohen

The central figure of Cohen's darkly comic novel is a Mafia hitman named Frank Brady. Nicknamed "Ump" because of his adherence to his own quirky personal code of ethics. When he gets into trouble with the Golla brothers, he seeks refuge in a small Midwestern town, but when the townspeople discover Ump's profession, they try to enlist his talents in disposing of unwanted "problems" and he soon finds his personal code put to the test.

231 pages, Paperback

First published November 1, 1991

Reviews

[Randy Cieleszko · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have owned the hardcover story, "Ump: A Dark Comedy", for over 15 years as of 2016. I have read it over 30 times and have yet to find another book like it. The purity of the main character, Frank Brady AKA Ump, with regards to his list of nine rules, creates an awe-inspiring every-man without the natural buildup of fears, guilt, or philosophical questions. The simple "zen" he exudes in his daily routine, and the casual conversations he holds with others in his line of work, is both hilarious and comforting; reminiscent of a pleasant monk walking through a foreign port. The interesting aspect of this is the fact his job is to kill for a New York mob boss.
An amusing, if linear story, Ump is made great by the respectful, often optimistic, dialogue of it's characters, even while in the midst of brutal murders.
The only weakness the book has are occasional scenes that drag on without satisfying conclusions, and the superficiality of many, (of the many) characters. These issues are very modest and do not distract the reader from enjoying the story, nor the many dark, (and often, adorable) scenes that make up the rest of the story.
A++

[🐴 🍖]

agh owe this one a full review as well. p fun stuff; like a christopher moltisanti adaptation of yojimbo

[Greg Fournier · Rating 3 out of 5]

Considering that the title, “Ump,” evokes a vaguely grotesque monster out of a children’s book, and also the fact that I read this book more out of a favor to my aunt and uncle, who are friends with the author, than out of any real desire to read it, I was more satisfied with “Ump” than I had any right to expect. The book is not actually about a humanoid monster. It’s about a contract killer named Ump who works for a mob family in New York. Ump is terrifying—large, strong, and nearly impossible to kill. He has a knack for avoiding bullet wounds to vital organs, instead positioning himself to take shots to the flabby parts of his arms and legs. He’s also a simple man, a man who loves his wife and kids and believes the world is ordered by a set of easy-to-remember laws: know your left and right, always stop for red lights, learn how to count—stuff like that. He only kills people who have in some way violated those laws.

At the beginning of the novel, Ump tries to kill the head of a rival gang family, but ends up killing the guy’s two brothers instead; since the main bad guy is still alive—and infuriated at his brothers’ deaths—Ump’s boss decides he’d be better off in a small town called Waylin. It turns out that Waylin is infected with the same sorts of jealousies and rivalries that define New York, albeit on a smaller scale. Ump is told to keep a low profile, which becomes hard for him to do after he successfully thwarts a grocery store robbery. Everyone in Waylin suddenly loves Ump and wants favors from him. He ends up somehow becoming the umpire for the local minor league baseball team, a natural extension of his fictitious career as a professional umpire. All this attention, naturally, reveals his location to his enemies, who soon start to come after him.

The rest of the book details the saga of the assassins who come after Ump, his attempts to evade them, and the inexorable battle between Ump and his ultimate enemy. There’s also a neat ending in which the citizens of Waylin get their just comeuppance, but that’s all I can give away without spoiling the whole book.

On the whole, “Ump” is a decent mob thriller with some dark humor layered on top. Every time someone is about to die, there is a comically detached conversation with Ump that lightens what would otherwise be a fairly dark book. These bits, along with the generally satisfying formula of a thriller, combine to make “Ump” a compelling read throughout.

But it’s also pretty weak. Ump’s character is hardly believable. He takes several bullets that should kill him instantly but don’t. He somehow avoids getting killed when seven men shoot at him while he’s a sitting duck behind home plate. His simplistic rules seem more out of a comic book than serious fiction. And throughout the entire book, there is not one police officer. Are we really supposed to believe that Ump’s antics wouldn’t bring out the whole police force, especially in a small town like Waylin in which nothing ever happens?

Is “Ump” supposed to be serious fiction, or is it supposed to be a standard thriller with some comic elements thrown on top? I’m not entirely sure. It fails utterly as literature, but maybe I’m thinking too hard. As a run-of-the-mill thriller, it’s not bad—not James Patterson-level, but then again, what did you expect from a novel with such a silly title?

In the unlikely event you ever come across this book in a bookstore, you should buy it and read it. It’s fun and silly, and short enough that you can’t really regret it. But don’t expect great things from it. “Ump” is just okay.

[Trike · Rating 3 out of 5]

Even though I read this 33 years ago, I still remember specific scenes (“I’m gonna walk through da front door.”) and the overall vibe of this.

[Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

Found this book on a whim at the library when I was in high school and absolutely loved it. Read it twice. Probably not for everyone, and I'm sure my sensibilities are different now. But I found it compelling and funny.